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Who's winning this loving thing? This poll is closed. |
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| (W1) Seattle Sounders |
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31 | 22.63% |
| (W2) Los Angeles Galaxy |
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13 | 9.49% |
| (W3) Real Salt Lake |
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1 | 0.73% |
| (W4) FC Dallas |
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4 | 2.92% |
| (W5) Vancouver Whitecaps |
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4 | 2.92% |
| (E1) DC United |
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16 | 11.68% |
| (E2) New England Revolution |
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27 | 19.71% |
| (E3) Columbus Crew |
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11 | 8.03% |
| (E4) Red Bull New York |
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5 | 3.65% |
| (E5) Sporting Kansas City |
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0 | 0% |
| (C1) Calvinball |
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25 | 18.25% |
| Total: | 137 votes | ||
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You ship a bunch of Pilgrims off, and they'll get all sorts of ideas you don't like. Like thermonuclear weaponry and free markets and MLS. All aboard, assholes, because it's PLAYOFF TIME. We live in America, and America is unbalanced. We don't believe in double round robin. We don't believe in stealing European principles, only European names. We believe in playing 34 games and then sending less than half the league home for the year. We believe in MLS Cup. What the gently caress is this bullshit. It's fairly simple. The end-of-season awards have been given out – Seattle won both the Supporters Shield and the US Open Cup, much to the chagrin of the entire civilized universe. They get to come play in the CONCACAF Champions League, which we only care about when Mexico wins or America loses. LA, DC and Vancouver will also get to play next summer, by finishing second, winning the East and beating the other three teams in Canada, respectively. And they're all in the playoffs! Hooray! So here's your bracket.  Look at this loving bracket. It's not complicated. First round and the Final are both one-off winner-take-all. The semifinals and finals, however, are two-legged series. This year, Don Garber went into Settings and clicked Away Goals as ON, so the high seed getting the second leg actually carries an advantage. Will this mean anything this November? Does anything mean anything? Does your dick mean something? Only you can answer that. Let's start with the KNOCKOUT ROUND. WEDNESDAY, 29 OCTOBER, 2100 EDT:  vs  THE STORY OF DALLAS: Well, they used to be the Burn, then they were the Hoops, then they ditched all that and lost Brek Shea. This year they've done rather well for themselves, making it into the playoffs on the back of eight straight wins at home – that is, until what would have been the ninth win against Portland turned into a 2-0 defeat, causing them to drop from the 3 seed and a date against LA into a fight for their lives and the right to get brutally massacred by Seattle probably. For this, I wish them nothing but enmity. You could've been heroes. Led by Blas Perez (11 goals), they score for fun. Their defense, however, leaves a bit to be desired. That won't get you anywhere in the playoffs. THE STORY OF VANCOUVER: The third wheel in Cascadia, the third wheel in Canada, and go figure – they've done the best of all. Won the Cascadia Cup, won the Canadian Championship, got the highest point total by a Canadian team in MLS history. Never mind that their competition in the latter two are the shambling shitshow that is Toronto and the Italians-in-French-Canada avant garde piece that is Montreal, or the fact that Edmonton exists in NASL for reasons known only to God. They may be the hottest team going right now, having gone nine matches unbeaten coming into Wednesday, an excellent keeper in David Ousted (13 clean sheets, gently caress) and a chance to ruin everything. They're already blazing a trail for themselves, and when you've got a brickwall in the net, that should probably worry everyone. Dallas, Seattle, everyone. PREDICTION: 1-0 Vancouver with a bunch of saves by Ousted and Blas Perez making anguished faces. THURSDAY, 30 OCTOBER, 2000 EDT:  vs  THE STORY OF KANSAS CITY: Defending champions, now just trying to defend their honor at this point. After a hot start to the year, SKC has been in a tailspin since about July or so, giving up soft goals and watching as newly-paid Graham Zusi and Matt Besler have failed to carry a team that has to deal with Aurelien Collin at center back. What's worse, because of that tailspin, they've gone from a sure semifinalist who still had their destiny in their hands at home...and now they have to face the very team that beat them less than a week ago, giving up the MLS single season scoring title to a middling Premiership player's kid brother. They're gonna die. It shouldn't have been like this. THE STORY OF RED BULL PREDICTION: Absolutely none of this will matter, because Kansas City are absolute trash at the moment and could lose 3-0 without so much as a whimper. ----  SATURDAY, 01 NOVEMBER, 1800 MDT / SUNDAY, 09 NOVEMBER, 1630 PST  vs  THE STORY OF LOS ANGELES: Now officially the Only Game in Town (no, the Orange County Blues do not count), the Galaxy get to go back to the big nasty loud trumpet that nobody wants to hear: the end of Landon Donovan's career. Look, man. He's a giant dork. His favorite band is Boyz II Men. He caught loving swine flu. He disappeared for half a season to find his smile. His wife left him for Adam Corolla's replacement on LoveLine. His most glorious moments were scoring against Algeria and being useful at Everton for two months. And yeah, he should've loving gone to the World Cup. But you know what? He lived to troll Mexico in their native language. He stayed home and played well in his home country. He's the greatest American who ever played, which doesn't mean much to anyone who isn't American, but his retirement is worth acknowledging. I hope he learns to make Alexi Lalas feel stupid at every turn on television. And his team is absolutely terrifying. Robbie Keane is terrifying. Zardes is terrifying. This is a team that's been in the mix for the title every year since Beckham arrived, and Bruce Arena's coaching only makes it worse. Seattle may have won the Shield, but this is the team that could've taken it until the last fifteen minutes of the last game. If they defeat RSL, cancel all your dates and be a loser and sit in front of the television yelling at the foot between Seattle and LA. It'll be really really good. I hate both those teams and I don't even loving care. It'll be a great couple of games. THE STORY OF REAL SALT LAKE: The worst name, the most beautiful view in MLS, and a defense built to shut down the West. If any team can play spoiler in the West, RSL can. Why? Nick loving Rimando. He destroyed all of North America in the Gold Cup; he stops penalties better than anyone in the league; he bosses a defense around better than anyone on the continent. Oh, and RSL are the Galaxy killers – they stopped Beckham in 2009 on the way to their lone Cup and knocked them out of the playoffs last year. Oh! Not only that, they took out the Sounders in 2011, only to lose to the Galaxy 3-1 in the Western final. Also, Joao Plata. Motherfucker is Five Foot loving Two. He's the Spud Webb of soccer. He's scoring like mad because what do you do? You try and defend against him and you can't even find him. It's like playing against the Atom. poo poo ain't fair. It's like playing as Oddjob in Goldeneye. gently caress that and gently caress you for picking him, you cheap poo poo. Now you have to play as Jaws next round as penalty. Peter Crouch is getting signed for allocation money. gently caress you. PREDICTION: LA has the firepower, but I'll always pick defense. 2-1 at the RioT, then the biggest bus parking you've ever seen in Carson. SUNDAY, 02 NOVEMBER, 1800 PST / MONDAY, 10 NOVEMBER, 1930 PST  vs  THE STORY OF SEATTLE: Blah blah invented everything. The team that made a whole city spontaneously like soccer, even while the Seahawks were good. The team that I'm still not entirely sure invented a rule just to score Clint Dempsey, reinforcing the old Calvinball joke that is MLS player deals. Started as a good team, and have been building their way to great on their mountain of allocation money and the huge fanbase that annoys every single one of us who don't live there. This might be their year. Dempsey and Obafemi Martins have torn the league apart, Toronto refugee Stefan Frei has had a fantastic year with a team around him that feels no need to be a clown car, and they have probably five or six scoring options. They made Chad Barrett useful, and loving nobody is alright with this. PREDICTION: If it's Vancouver, they'll only win respectably. If it's Dallas, I've always wondered what watching grown men drink blood on live TV looked like. I mean, Hostel Part 2 might be close to what Seattle – Dallas would look like. -----  SATURDAY, 01 NOVEMBER, 1600 EDT / SUNDAY, 09 NOVEMBER, 1700 EST  vs  THE STORY OF NEW ENGLAND: Oh my god those loving assholes. First they can't be bothered to win any of those four MLS Cup finals they made in the 2000's. Then they sign Charlie Davies, noted shitheel and unrepentant drunk driver who should be dead and now plays dead at any opportunity. But then along came Lee Nguyen, and everyone watched as he revitalized a team that'd been floundering for the last couple of years. Then came Jermaine Goddamned Jones. Seriously, this league makes me furious sometimes. Allocation draft? Not real. Over a certain cash threshold? Not real. Just yelling really loving loudly going I WANT HIM is apparently all it takes to trigger the Super Rare Event: GARBER PLINKO. And what's worse is that they're still gonna play in Gilette Stadium and feel stupid all the while. Hoover deserves better than this. This whole team can gently caress off. THE STORY OF COLUMBUS: Now, on the other hand, you have Columbus. They actually set an attendance record this year, and with good reason too: they're a fun team to watch. Jairo Arrieta and Federico Higuain are lovely to watch up close. Their defense is good. I got to watch the most hilarious penalty save in history as Steve Clark stood still, knowing the shooter would go right up the middle. And he did. So the ball just landed in his statuesque hands and everyone went “...” and it was hilarious except it was my team so I was mad as hell! They have their own stadium. They were the first team to do so in Major League Soccer. The scoreboard caught fire recently. They just got rechristened as...Columbus Crew, actually, only now they have a German-rear end looking logo and it's not as cool as the tough-looking dudes in hard hats. I hope they do well, honestly. I love when non-top-ten media markets kick rear end. PREDICTION: It won't loving matter, because New England will activate a new clause that allows the Patriots 21-gun salute guys to fire live rounds at Arrieta and anyone who wears a flak jacket underneath their shirt will be given a yellow card. SUNDAY, 02 NOVEMBER, 1600 EST / SATURDAY, 08 NOVEMBER, 1430 EST  vs THE STORY OF DC: Never, ever, ever poo poo on the US Open Cup. The allocation money provided, combined with a bunch of #1 picks in all twenty-seven drafts due to finishing the worst in MLS history in just about any significant category you can think of, turned a horrible joke of a team into an incredibly deep squad. You can't kill these assholes. You just can't. Jeff Parke goes down with a concussion, and Steve Birnbaum puts in a Rookie of the Year season. Chris Korb goes down, and Taylor Kemp becomes the new hotness. Eddie Johnson gets a concussion, and the Silva/Espindola partnership becomes lethal. This isn't the flashiest roster by any stretch, but all eleven players are in a place where they know their roles and execute them flawlessly. Oh, and BILL HAMID FOR AMERICA. PREDICTION: Trouble is, Silva is out until the conference finals, most likely. His creativity is sorely missed, as United's draw against listless Montreal showed. But with Davy Arnaud back as a box-to-box midfielder having a year nobody thought he still had in him, they could still sneak past NY. Oh, who am I kidding. They will. It's RBNY. They choke. Quote the gently caress out of this post when I'm wrong, which you won't, because I'm right. RBNY lost to Columbus in the Cup Final, for god's sake. gently caress New York. DC to the final. And then Garber introduces the TERRORDOME. Stop reading this poo poo and post about the teams you like and whatever facts I got wrong or whatever I forgot to mention about Dallas and Vancouver because I don't follow them very much. Watch the football. Your Boy Fancy fucked around with this message at 06:32 on Oct 29, 2014 |
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Oct 29, 2014 06:19
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The Order of Teams You Should Root For, in order of increasing "gently caress Them" (this is an unbiased list): 1. Vancouver 2. Dallas 3. New England 4. New York 5. Salt Lake 6. Columbus 7. Kansas City 8. Seattle 9. Los Angeles 10. D.C. United
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Oct 29, 2014 06:29
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DC United for America Perry kitchen will kick your loving legs off.
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Oct 29, 2014 06:39
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The SBNation playoff preview nailed it. If we win, we will have invented the MLS Cup. We'll be more insufferable than we already are. I can't wait. It is true, though, that if we win it we'll have invented winning the US treble, and I'd call that an actual tangible accomplishment.
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Oct 29, 2014 06:41
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The singularity of smug shall consume all if Seattle is the first MLS team to get a treble.
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Oct 29, 2014 06:53
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As always, the fanciest of OPs, bravo. Montreal actually won the Canadian Championship this year, though (for all the good it did them): Vancouver's going to next year's CCL because we got the best MLS record among the Canadian teams (as discussed, not terribly difficult).foobardog posted:The singularity of smug shall consume all if Seattle is the first MLS team to get a treble. Not gonna lie, if we can't win I kind of want to see this happen. On the other hand, Dallas are looking vulnerable and we won the season series against Seattle so who knows, we might just
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Oct 29, 2014 07:36
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CaptainYesterday posted:The Order of Teams You Should Root For, in order of increasing "gently caress Them" (this is an unbiased list): If Columbus isn't #2 on your list you are a bad person. And New York should be last, even after Seattle. Watching them lose in the playoffs yet again will be wonderful.
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Oct 29, 2014 07:41
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Dallan Invictus posted:As always, the fanciest of OPs, bravo. Montreal actually won the Canadian Championship this year, though (for all the good it did them): Vancouver's going to next year's CCL because we got the best MLS record among the Canadian teams (as discussed, not terribly difficult). This year's Vancouver team is like Seattle's kryptonite. Our team can handle just about everything except counter attacks at pace, and Jesus H Christ does Vancouver have speed. If they make it through I'll actually be legit worried about that series.
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Oct 29, 2014 10:58
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The description of New England is extremely biased against them and yet completely true thanks for a laugh! 
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Oct 29, 2014 14:10
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EVERYONE WHO CALLS IT TREBLE INSTEAD OF TRIPLE AND ISN'T BRITISH CAN EAT WHATEVER GENITALS THEY DON'T WANT Fancy, you are a treasure
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Oct 29, 2014 14:12
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Hoover Dam posted:EVERYONE WHO CALLS IT TREBLE INSTEAD OF TRIPLE AND ISN'T BRITISH CAN EAT WHATEVER GENITALS THEY DON'T WANT What happens if they like all genitals, what then??
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Oct 29, 2014 14:16
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foobardog posted:The singularity of smug shall consume all if Seattle is the first MLS team to get a treble. 
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Oct 29, 2014 14:35
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silvergoose posted:What happens if they like all genitals, what then?? Clearly they get none of the genitals, which is the worst. And I'm okay with "Treble" as long as we all agree to never pronounce Derby like "darr-by" for Red Bulls vs NYCFC.
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Oct 29, 2014 14:39
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CaptainYesterday posted:The Order of Teams You Should Root For, in order of increasing "gently caress Them" (this is an unbiased list): Also, since the normal thread is closed, we non-playoff teams are gonna have to poo poo up this thread with news about our poo poo teams. Hello Towel fucked around with this message at 15:13 on Oct 29, 2014 |
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Oct 29, 2014 15:11
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I'll be a New England fan for the next few weeks. Gonna rep that crayola logo, Lee Nguyen, and the Krafts.
Diplomat fucked around with this message at 15:27 on Oct 29, 2014 |
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Oct 29, 2014 15:17
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Hello Towel posted:Also, since the normal thread is closed, we non-playoff teams are gonna have to poo poo up this thread with news about our poo poo teams. Save it for the offseason thread!
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Oct 29, 2014 15:24
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If you guys who are fans of garbage teams want to make an offseason thread, feel free. I just don't want to split up posting about the playoffs in two separate threads.
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Oct 29, 2014 15:25
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Garbage thread for garbage teams here: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3677091
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Oct 29, 2014 16:04
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Dallan Invictus posted:As always, the fanciest of OPs, bravo. Montreal actually won the Canadian Championship this year, though (for all the good it did them): Vancouver's going to next year's CCL because we got the best MLS record among the Canadian teams (as discussed, not terribly difficult). This, they're restructuring the Voyageurs Cup a bit so the CCL spot next year was to be awarded to the MLS team with the most points but they are not considered champions, and they never will be
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Oct 29, 2014 17:09
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In my very humble opinion, the beautiful game should never have any form of tourney for hardware that involves rounds or group stages where each winning team (either by aggregate points or other similar means) advances to a next stage/round. Seems to distract from the long haul that the lads put out for months or even years on end for true glory. Mayhaps one day MLS will realize the error in their ways, but until then I say any tournament that spans around a month isn't worth watching imvho.
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Oct 29, 2014 17:49
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goddamnit this is AMERICA and enough of us have been insufferable enough to adopt oodles of British terminology but this will not stand. down with treble. if Seattle wins it though, they'll absolutely have earned it. they've been rad this season. so good I can't even be cranky.
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Oct 29, 2014 17:59
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Jermaine Dildoe posted:they are not considered champions, and they never will be reminder this is explicitly canon everyone, because it may come up in the future if the caps ever get fans
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Oct 29, 2014 18:06
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Jermaine Dildoe posted:This, they're restructuring the Voyageurs Cup a bit so the CCL spot next year was to be awarded to the MLS team with the most points but they are not considered champions, and they never will be So what happens when you win the Voyageurs Cup then? Does Canandia get 2 spots?
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Oct 29, 2014 18:09
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Hoover Dam posted:EVERYONE WHO CALLS IT TREBLE INSTEAD OF TRIPLE AND ISN'T BRITISH CAN EAT WHATEVER GENITALS THEY DON'T WANT I'd be fine with that, but who the gently caress calls it a Triple? This is literally the first time I've ever heard it called that.
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Oct 29, 2014 18:10
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B.B. Rodriguez posted:So what happens when you win the Voyageurs Cup then? Does Canandia get 2 spots? One spot. They're shifting the Canadian CCL spot to be like the US spots where they qualify for the next year instead of the same year.
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Oct 29, 2014 18:14
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Reasons why Federico Higuain is an ok dude and has a good taste in music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkLXY6WBrQ8
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Oct 29, 2014 18:14
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B.B. Rodriguez posted:So what happens when you win the Voyageurs Cup then? Does Canandia get 2 spots? Ha, no: starting with next year's Voyageur's Cup (winner will go to the CCL in 2016), the spot is back to being awarded to the Voyageur's winner, just on an even more absurdly long delay than it is for the MLS spots. edit: yeah, what Shuttered said.
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Oct 29, 2014 18:16
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You just know Seattle will call it a treble. Let's call it a triad. Who's down for a triad?
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Oct 29, 2014 19:33
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Cool double posts. I'm looking forward to tonight's match. Vancouver has been fun - they made a 1-0 slog against Colorado interesting to watch. And the possibility of former Sounders beating the best Sounders squad in history (more than the NASL days?) would make me giddy and put us one step closer to RFK Cup Final, which would be the best ad for Dear God Give Us A New Stadium. Your Boy Fancy fucked around with this message at 19:42 on Oct 29, 2014 |
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Oct 29, 2014 19:37
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Gigi Galli posted:If you guys who are fans of garbage teams want to make an offseason thread, feel free. I just don't want to split up posting about the playoffs in two separate threads. Should have just left open a single MLS thread to handle all the garbage, boss
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Oct 29, 2014 19:46
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the escape goat posted:down with treble. up with bass Your Boy Fancy posted:Who's down for a triad? Not me, moved outta the Triad 20 years ago
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Oct 29, 2014 19:47
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Earthy Ape Unit posted:Should have just left open a single MLS thread to handle all the garbage, boss We dont need a thread just for you.
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Oct 29, 2014 19:49
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Hoover Dam posted:up with bass gently caress all clefs that are not C clef. Alto clef. Viola clef. Whatever.
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Oct 29, 2014 19:52
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Your Boy Fancy posted:RFK Cup Final, which would be the best ad for Dear God Give Us A New Stadium. I hope Alexi Lalas gets killed and eaten by raccoons live on national television.
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Oct 29, 2014 19:54
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silvergoose posted:gently caress all clefs that are not C clef. Alto clef. Viola clef. Whatever. lee van clef?
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Oct 29, 2014 20:04
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dex_sda posted:lee van clef? You're thinking of Edwin VanClef.
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Oct 29, 2014 20:09
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silvergoose posted:gently caress all clefs that are not C clef. Alto clef. Viola clef. Whatever. Wyclef?
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Oct 29, 2014 20:18
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silvergoose posted:You're thinking of Edwin VanClef. You're thinking of Lee Van Cleef Also, bad news, Chicago.
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Oct 29, 2014 20:22
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Hungryjack posted:You're thinking of Lee Van Cleef ...yes, that was the joke. Edwin VanCleef was the WoW defias boss guy which was a joke on his name and why am I explaining multiple levels of a lovely joke, anyway, alto clef hype.
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Oct 29, 2014 20:49
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silvergoose posted:...yes, that was the joke. Edwin VanCleef was the WoW defias boss guy which was a joke on his name and why am I explaining multiple levels of a lovely joke, anyway, alto clef hype. Lol, what
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Oct 29, 2014 21:22
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