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Inspired by Sam Sperglord, Autistic Private Detective: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3636034 The Chase The girl ran, ripping her sleeve out of my hand as she launched away from me. She would have gotten away I'm not in very good shape but she made a mistake when she turned into the alley. Dead end. "Stop running," I growled. Actually kind of wheezed. I grabbed the lip of a slimy dumpster to support myself, ruining a fingerless glove. "Your-" *wheeeeze* "Oh God, give me a second." I flapped my trench coat in an attempt to get some air circulating. No way was I going to take it off and show this female how fat I really am. "Your outfit is sexy as hell," I finally managed to hiss between breaths. "Shoes don't really match, though." loving negged.  Capture "...and three sides of bacon," I told the waitress, finishing my order. It should have taken her a while to scribble it all out I'm a big boy and I order big but she just made a few scratches as she stared at me. A bead of sweat rolled down from her hairline. I realized she was nervous. In a convulsive movement I flipped the table over, clapped my fedora tight to my head and lumbered to my feet. Tried to, anyway. It takes a while for me to get up. Too late, the "waitress" pulled a gun from somewhere and stuck it in my face as uniformed men burst into the diner. "I'm with the RIAA," she said. "You've been pirating anime for a decade and we've finally caught you, you son of a bitch."  The plant I was standing outside her hotel door at exactly 8 p.m. the pre-arranged hour. Girls appreciate a guy who's on time. I had flowers, my dressy fedora and what I hoped was an attractive smile. This was technically a professional call, but why couldn't it turn into something more? The most beautiful dame I've ever seen opened the door. "Hi," she said. My smile fell. Something was wrong. The code phrase she was supposed to greet me with was "Why isn't my boyfriend as nice to me as you are?" The girl is a plant! My real contact is likely dead. My expression must have given me away because she pulled her gun quicker than I could close the space between us. Two shots and then darkness. The last thing I remember thinking was "nice guys really do finish last." I wrote these all a few days ago as responses in threads that have since been gassed. I don't know why but it seemed like a good idea. Now I want to read your stuff. a misanthrope fucked around with this message at 16:53 on Mar 16, 2015 |
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Mar 16, 2015 11:49
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Sam Sperglord logged into his favorite internet forum. "Looks like... I'm gay" he said in a sardonic manner.
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Mar 16, 2015 12:10
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Nanomashoes posted:Sam Sperglord logged into his favorite internet forum. "Looks like... I'm gay" he said in a sardonic manner.
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Mar 16, 2015 12:12
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Nanomashoes posted:Sam Sperglord logged into his favorite internet forum. "Looks like... I'm gay" he said in a sardonic manner. "Cucked again," he whispered to himself before downing his gummy bear-flavored vodka. "Cucked again."
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Mar 16, 2015 12:15
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Melvin bumps the thread. "If this goes gold, maybe she'll notice!" He reloads the page again and again. Soon he will put the gun in his mouth. 
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Mar 16, 2015 15:03
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The dame came into my office all a tizzy. "I'm desperate" she said, her eyes dripping tears "I need a printer right away, but have no idea where to find one." "You came to the right place," I answer, tipping my fedora. "Printers are my specialty."
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Mar 16, 2015 15:07
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Applewhite posted:The dame came into my office all a tizzy. lol
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Mar 16, 2015 15:21
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"I kicked her right in the cooch, then scrammed. Later, I drank."
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Mar 16, 2015 15:23
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I was having my usual, a foamy latte, at my favorite coffee dive. It was a usual day, with all the usuals were there, drinking their usual cup of banality, sucking up bandwidth on the "free" wifi. Free they call it. Like this cup of coffee and milk is worth a fiver. The girl next to me, I've never seen her before. Tall, cute, maybe too young for me but who is to say when it's all in your head anyway. At least for the moment. She's doing a find-a-word puzzle and I can't help but lean closer. Just meant to look at the puzzle but I can smell her perfume mingled with the scent of the sweet coffee she's taking her time with. Then, I catch something out of my peripheral vision. Something in the find-a-word that I can't ignore. In the chaos of all those letters a single word stands out - cuck. I move back to my own coffee before she notices me. God speaks to those that listen and even if I hadn't thought I'd seen a sign, who was I kidding anyway? This coffee's bitter. Needs more sugar.
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Mar 16, 2015 15:30
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When you're a private eye, you notice little things when you talk to people. Subtleties of expression, word choice, body language. What's left unsaid is just as important as what they say out loud. That's how I knew she'd be mine one day. Because she never said "I love you."
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Mar 16, 2015 15:36
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ZombieParts posted:I was having my usual, a foamy latte, at my favorite coffee dive. It was a usual day, with all the usuals were there, drinking their usual cup of banality, sucking up bandwidth on the "free" wifi. Free they call it. Like this cup of coffee and milk is worth a fiver. Alternate Ending! Now I'm not a godly man. I've been known to haunt r/atheism and I can Facebook argue with the best of my guildmate's relatives. But a sign like that, well, it's just enough to make a Euphoric man such as myself turn a jaded eye to the sky and doff his fedora to the Head Honcho upstairs. I lean to her, stopping with my mouth just inches from her ear, until I can smell her shampoo. "cuck" my voice cracks. "Excuse me?" She leans away and I can see her face crinkle up for an almost imperceptible moment when she sees my face. drat, knew I shouldn't have skipped my chinstrap touchup this morning "cuck" I repeat, my voice finding ground. I excitedly point to my Miracle, our Miracle. "I found cuck." "Oh..." she smiles politely and suddenly becomes intently interested in her phone. Moments later she overpays for her small coffee and leaves. Poor dame got confused in her tizzy and accidentally left $2.00 instead of $1.89 which was the asking price for a Small in this joint. I've laid the groundwork. At this rate she'll be my waifu in 3 years, 4 tops. Me and the Big Guy, we might just get along after all.
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Mar 16, 2015 15:48
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I took a long pull of my vape as I turned to look at the girl. "You've got to help me" she pleads, " I need money, bad. I can't say what it's for but I need it nonetheless" I twirl my vape around in my fingers while I mull it over and let out a quiet "What's in it for me?" Her gaze hits the floor and she starts dancing, rhythmically, erotically, and suddenly I'm lusting after this dame I've never met. I know nothing about her but thousands of scenarios of us living happily forever run through my head. The only thing I know that I need this girl more than I ever needed anything else before. I hit accept, and 500 gold richer, she suddenly turns and logs out. I never did see her again. Deki fucked around with this message at 15:56 on Mar 16, 2015 |
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Mar 16, 2015 15:53
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I really wish sam sperglord was a full length novel
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Mar 16, 2015 16:04
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hehehehe I want to read this kind of stuff forever  1gnoirents posted:I really wish sam sperglord was a full length novel It was one of the best threads I've ever read here 
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Mar 16, 2015 16:14
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This joint was going to be hopping with all the sorts of riff raff you don't see by the light of day. Jocks, bros, party sluts - all of them half in the bag and looking for trouble. I looked myself over in the mirror before heading out, straightening my fedora and making sure my trench coat draped over my cargo shorts just so. "I'm Francis," I said to my reflection, making sure my posture and my voice were brimming with confidence, "and I'm straightedge."
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Mar 16, 2015 16:41
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My first stop was to gather some intel from the local theater crowd. There was a dame there I knew well, the sort of woman who likes dropping little nonverbal hints that she wants you, needs you, yearns for you. But I had other things to do tonight, a very important case. I thanked her for her help and assured her I'd be back to see her later.
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Mar 16, 2015 16:54
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In my business, you gotta learn to play the long game. Sooner or later, that dame would get sick of all the johns who treated her like dirt. When she did, I'd be there to show her what it's like to date a real gentleman.
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Mar 16, 2015 17:05
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Applewhite killin it itt. Yall are killin it itt. I love you all. let's move in together.
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Mar 16, 2015 17:24
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I loved her so much, but I never got the chance to tell her so. She was high class but an idealist, she didn't think anything of irritating the scum of the earth, and in the end that's what got her. In a flash some real vicious bastards were suddenly on her, and for all my pride and skill I was unable to save her. I sat defeated, ashamed, looking at the sight no man should see. THIS TUMBLR HAS BEEN DELETED I won't let this happen to anyone else again.
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Mar 16, 2015 17:39
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Applewhite posted:In my business, you gotta learn to play the long game. *supreme gentleman
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Mar 16, 2015 17:39
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Deki posted:I loved her so much, but I never got the chance to tell her so. 
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Mar 16, 2015 17:41
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The broad had cleavage for days, but unlike other men I wasn't going to lower myself to peeking. There would be plenty of time for that on our wedding night...
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Mar 16, 2015 17:45
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i could tell she was angrt becauss of the way she said "im angry" while pointing to the frowny face on my expressions chart
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Mar 16, 2015 17:47
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She walked in while I was midway through a quest, but with legs like that the dame demanded a pause.
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Mar 16, 2015 17:51
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The rain came down on the black streets of the city like the recent value of bitcoin. I knew it was going to be a slow night when I cracked open my Hot Pocket to find it cold on the inside. "Heh, just like me" I mused, intellectually. Just then a dame crashed into my bedr office "MOM" I exclaimed with panache and subtle wit "You're totally ruining the mood of my monologue. She gave me the dark smoky look that I knew could only mean one thing "Goddammit Steve you're 28 get a real job" or maybe "Your Grandfather wore a fedora and he looked like a sex offender how do you think you look?" "Come on Steve time to take the trip to see my sister" she said in a manner that made me highly suspicious of suspect goings on. So there I was taking The Long Ride with no way out, and this time it went right to the top. Scryerman fucked around with this message at 00:37 on Mar 17, 2015 |
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Mar 16, 2015 18:33
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So here I am sitting at my desk wondering how I'm going to make rent for the month when who else walks in, but my old highschool crush. I hadn't seen her in ten years , but I'd been keeping close tabs on her. I knew she married a sleazeball by the name of Thomas Royce, a real piece of poo poo. Jennifer somehow fell for him, despite his lack of intellectual pursuits and the fact that he only played second string collegiate football. I'm sitting here wondering how I could have missed my chance when recognition dawns on her face. "Sam? Is that really you?" she gasped, "This is great, I need a private detective since Tom's having problems with theft at the job site and we-". I interrupted her, knowing that whatever she was about to say was completely unimportant. I lower my voice to a more seductive pitch and say "I know the real reason you're here. You're upset that you made a big mistake and you've come here to right it" "What?" She says, " We just thought we'd hire you to go watch the construction site for a night or two, what are you talking about?" "You've been beating yourself up every night over the fact that you didn't date me" I crooned, "But I'm still available" "What the gently caress are you talking about? I haven't seen you in years! We have kids!" she yells. I'm getting a bit hot under the collar, I like how frisky she's being. "gently caress this" she yells as she reopens the door to leave, and she lets out a "And gently caress you too" as she's walking down the hallway. I know she's playing hard to get, but she just needs a few days to sort out her feelings and to realize that we need to be together. I'll allow her that time, as what is a few days when I've been thinking of her constantly for ten years? --- Mom came down to my basement office today, which angered me since I pay good rent and shouldn't have to be constantly interrupted, I am a professional and should be treated as such. She told me that my middle school girlfriend of a week Sarah got married, but in a hushed tone noted that it was to a colored man. Well I obviously knew that before due to my knowledge of social media, but it got me thinking. Did Sarah marry him because his skin matched her blackened cruel heart? Deki fucked around with this message at 19:02 on Mar 16, 2015 |
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Mar 16, 2015 18:56
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Deki posted:So here I am sitting at my desk wondering how I'm going to make rent for the month when who else walks in, but my old highschool crush. I hadn't seen her in ten years , but I'd been keeping close tabs on her. I knew she married a sleazeball by the name of Thomas Royce, a real piece of poo poo. Jennifer somehow fell for him, despite his lack of intellectual pursuits and the fact that he only played second string collegiate football. I'm sitting here wondering how I could have missed my chance when recognition dawns on her face. 5
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Mar 16, 2015 18:58
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I boarded the subway, that familiar scent of stale piss and sweat assaulting my nostrils. Another reminder of the seedy underbelly of the big apple. It was another scorcher, 70 degrees and sunny. I could feel the sweat running down my moobs as I squeezed into the seat, lungs burning from the walk to the station. Maybe it was time to give up vaping? I entertained the thought for a second before pulling a long drag from my robotic tobacco dildo. Chocolate-Mint, the ecig temporarily over powers the subway's smell of decay. I was about to flip open my 3DS when she caught my eye. The kind of broad you'd die for. 5'3", Asian (hopefully Japanese), wearing glasses and a summer dress. My heart is skipping all over the place. The seats are all taken, she barely makes it on the train as the doors slam shut. This dame was trouble and she notices me immediately, her eyes fixed on the half of a seat my rear end had spilled over to. I'm a nice guy. You have to be when you work the beat fixing printers and moving furniture. This wasn't my first dance either. But as soon as I saw those open toed sandals I was back in college helping my first crush fix her printer. I've always been a foot guy and this broad had the goods. As she approaches my throat goes dry and almost imperceptibly I mutter "... seat?", doffing my fedora and rolling my girth to the other side. She falls for it like a moth to the flame. As she sits her arm brushes my trench coat. Now was my chance, momma didn't raise me to turn away from something this certain, I couldn't wait to tell her all about it when I got home. I pull out my manga about dick girl dragon high school and nonchalantly flip through the pages. Asians can't resist a man that knows there culture better than them, especially a white man. 3 or 4 stops go by and nothing happens. I knew this dame was trouble. My rear end is raw and tender from trying to fit in one seat. I can feel that familiar anger rising up. I did her a favor and she hasn't even acknowledged it. How can she be so selfish? I remind myself that's just how women are and decide my only hope is a compliment and an insult put together. I had served in the war. The war for ethics in game journalism. I saw things no white man should see. Most of us nice guy gumshoes served. I took the red pill and now I had to use that knowledge or go back to masturbating to sonic the hedgehog. I can see it's her stop, she prepares her things. Only one shot now. Lips dry, brain stricken dumb, I mutter "nice feet" as she gets up. With a perplexed look she rapidly exits the train. Another feminist bitch. I should have known that her pure Asian sensibilities head already been corrupted against nice guys like me. But thems the breaks in this corrupt matriarchy. Guys like me, we're out before the race even starts.
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Mar 16, 2015 19:11
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So here I am, soaking wet due to the rain, about to knock on the perp's door and get some questions out of him. Now technically I wasn't hired on to do this case, but a trained detective like me can smell a crime coming a mile away. My old college classmate Stephanie posted on facebook that her fiancee was getting a bit frustrated due to being unemployed, but I knew that all the signs of violent domestic dispute were there. I just had to find them, and she would be free from his rear end in a top hat clutches to date a non-rear end in a top hat. Now I'm not saying she has to date me, but I am doing her a great service here. I knock twice, and a large brute of a man opens the door. "Hello?" he says, eyeing me up and down, "Oh yeah, I know you, you were at Stephanie's graduation, She didn't say she was expecting you, but she should be home within an hour, come inside" I take off my trenchcoat and trilby and case the joint. Obviously he wouldn't be letting me in if the signs of his criminality were too obvious, he might be a bit more clever than I took him for. But sometimes a slightly clever man makes a mistake a fool would not. This will almost certainly be his downfall. "Uh, I was just watching some TV, if you want a beer or something, we've got a lot of Miller left over that nobody really drinks, you're free to it" he says, an obvious ploy to dupe me. I decline the brain poison and try to figure out his angle. Does he not know that his downfall is imminent, or have I already overpowered his criminal mind? Pretending to watch the filth coming out of the television, I try to figure out where I can investigate without causing too much alarm. In a flash I realize the easiest location, and make my move. "Uh, can I go to the bathroom?" I mumble, only for him to respond "Uh.. sure, 2nd door on the left". My plan has worked! Making sure he doesn't follow me, I close the door to the bathroom and look for signs of a struggle. Sure enough, there is a small cotton cylinder coated with fresh blood sitting in the trash. I piece together all the clues and realize that he must have broken her nose recently, and she used this to stop up the bleeding. I put the evidence in a ziploc bag and go back to the living room to wait for Stephanie to arrive from work. I can't wait to see what happens when i confront them with this evidence.
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Mar 16, 2015 19:28
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Applewhite posted:In my business, you gotta learn to play the long game. Those of us who've chosen to live on the shady side of the city call it Esquestria Girls. And someone's taken Fluttershy off the roster.
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Mar 16, 2015 19:33
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Pinely posted:I had served in the war. The war for ethics in game journalism. i laughed pretty hard at this. i'm still laughing
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Mar 16, 2015 19:34
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For sale: pack of trojans, never scored.
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Mar 16, 2015 22:21
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lady, the only drat mystery here is why all women date jocks
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Mar 16, 2015 22:23
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the big mook walks over to me and starts talking a riot. i sit there and smiled at him. not the kind of smile to make friends with... The kind of smile that someone gets when they dont know how to deal with a situation like this and migh get a little red in the face
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Mar 16, 2015 22:27
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Nice trigger discipline asswipe
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Mar 16, 2015 22:41
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It had been another tough night on the job. Posting was never easy. It took grit, an analytical mind and a desire to get your point across no matter what the cost. So far I had gotten it done, like I always do, but sometimes it can cost you. I cracked open an RC Cola. As the cool condensation dripped down the sides of the aluminum I couldn't help but laugh. Here I was, well into my early thirties, busting my rear end hard for each post I made in that TV subforum, and yet I still drank RC Cola like some kinda ten year old. "That's so me," I muttered as I took a swig, and got back to work. I pulled up a new tab in Opera and jumped right back onto the forums. Only this time I had something waiting for me. Like I said, sometimes it can cost you. Through the blinding light of my CRT I saw something attached to my username. My posts had nothing but sound logic. "Everyday truth bomb," I liked to call em, yet clearly someone had taken offense to one. Glaring through the mellow grays and whites of the message board I saw in jarring red text: "I POST STUPID STUFF ABOUT DOCTOR WHO." It was silent text, yet its declaration rang my ears louder than a Halo 1 pistol at max volume. I licked my lips and looked around my basement nervously. Tonight was going to be a long night. I cracked my knuckles and got back to work.
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Mar 16, 2015 22:48
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oh poo poo
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Mar 16, 2015 22:54
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A dark room framed the glowing screen in front of me. I watched as the angelic aberration before me worked her usual Saturday night gig. I was there to police the scum, to enforce the rules, and to keep watch. There was always a tough crowd in the Internets red light district. Some of the worst characters the net had to offer would wandered in, and out of her room. "RESPECT THE LADY!" I typed gruffly at some joker who thought it'd be funny to make wise about lube, and ballbats. "LOOK AT THE PROFILE!" Some rear end in a top hat inquiring about breast size. She never asked for my help, but I knew she appreciated having me there. I was a constant protector watching her back, and keeping the pervs at bay. "LOL!" I quickly inserted my favorite smiley emoticon after every joke she made. Women appreciate a guy they know is listening, a man with both hands on the keyboard. Suddenly the familiar sound of a tip coming in broke our good humor. This was a big one, it meant a free show in the public chat. As she prepared for the show I let her know that I'd be back when she was done. "I don't feel right watching your show unless I pay you sweetie." With that I got up from my keyboard and went to make some coffee. It was going to be a long night, and I needed my senses to keep order in her world of chaos.
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Mar 16, 2015 22:55
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six bullets. gently caress. i quickly reloaded the page
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Mar 16, 2015 22:57
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"Going Galt, Bill?" Bill stops and turns. I think I see a smile in the shadow of his hat's brim. "Ahh, James. It took you a while. I suspected you would be the one they sent. Always the beta bloodhound, never the alpha top dog." Fists clench. Jaw snaps. He is right though, I would never hit him with these paws. I don't have the guts. Also I'm really worry about damaging my hands, I need them to detail my Warhammer figures. "Go home James. I'm not going back," "I know, I didn't took the job for you, Bill. I'm here for the dame." A laugh. "James the dame is gone. I already sent her on a one way trip to the Fran Zone." My heart drops. He approaches me. His hand is on my shoulder now, but it isn't to comfort me. He is smiling his big toothy smile. "Don't worry buddy, I'll look after her. Those Bitcoins I stole will last us for life." He turns back and walks away. And like that Bill, and the Dame, are out of my life forever.
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