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 What the gently caress?? You just woke up on your bathroom floor with no memory of how you ended up there or how long you've been unconscious. You're covered in poo poo and you have a splitting headache.
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May 6, 2015 00:22
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Nomikos posted:open the cabinet and take all the drugs  You haul your fat rear end into a standing position and cram everything from your medicine cabinet into your craw. As it happens, your medicine cabinet was stocked primarily with candy. The only actual medicine in there was a bottle of analgesic pills which quickly cure your headache. There was actually a whole puzzle and everything where you had to find the pills to cure your headache before you could leave the bathroom but it looks like you sliced right through that Gordian knot.
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May 6, 2015 00:45
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Darf posted:war paint my face in my poo poo gnarlyhotep posted:> try and figure out what happened to my legs and put on my hat GAYS FOR DAYS posted:Pull up pants and smear poo poo all over self Moola posted:> Put hat on to be better at investigating, investigate poo glowing-fish posted:> Search the wastebasket for CLUES.  You pull up your cargo shorts and don your Trusty Fedora. You feel your investigative powers returning as you examine your bathroom for clues. You smear some poo poo on your cheeks to look more tactical as you investigate.
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May 6, 2015 00:58
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glowing-fish posted:> Check cargo shorts for detective supplies. monkey posted:> Search anus for buried treasure. RennZero posted:>Investigate magic space whale shirt  You check your inventory. You're carrying a King Size CHOCO Bar in your right cargo pants pocket. Your other pockets are empty, as is your colon. Your Cash Level is 0. Equipment: Head: Trusty Fedora Shirt: Your hilarious and ironic "I had a whale of a time at Space Camp!" shirt. It's not magic, but you admit that it's the sort of shirt you wouldn't draw in detail every single time if you needed to draw it over and over again for some reason. Pants: poo poo-stained cargo shorts Feet: Socks with sandals (poo poo stained).
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May 6, 2015 01:20
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Four Score posted:>take remaining poop out of Colon  You push with all your might, and manage to shart the last of the poop out of your colon into your cargo pants. Well done!
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May 6, 2015 01:27
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Four Score posted:loving lol 
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May 6, 2015 01:47
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Qvindtar posted:Enter shower, clean off all poo poo I.C. posted:Let's take a shower and then find something to eat.  You do not actually have a shower in your apartment. You consider them a pointless extravagance (an opinion you express passionately and regularly on the Somethingawful dot com Forums). Naturally you sold your shower/bath on Craigslist to pay for your Sweet Gaming/Bitcoin Mining Rig over a year ago. You remember you have some wet naps in the living room, which you use for bathing. Doctor J Off posted:> put the colon in your pocket and leave the bathroom in search of someone to query  Your colon is already a pocket. You exit your bathroom and enter your Living room. Your Living Room is dark. You can't tell what time of day it is because your curtains are drawn against natural light to which you are mildly allergic. On the East side of the room, your Sweet Gaming/Bitcoin Mining Rig purrs softly and glows bluely. Your computer and monitor are exactly as you left them: midway through posting another hilarious thread on the Somethingawful dot com Forums. In the Southwest corner of the room, your Pile of laundry is organized into an efficient heap. Applewhite fucked around with this message at 02:35 on May 6, 2015 |
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May 6, 2015 02:30
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That's it for tonight. The adventure continues tomorrow!
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May 6, 2015 02:36
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SaltyJesus posted:> post on the Somethingawful dot com Forums Dr Cheeto posted:>investigate hilarious thread Hogge Wild posted:> check our username  You sit down at your computer and examine the hilarious thread you were about to post. You laugh out loud at the masterstroke of comedy you have crafted. You also smile at your username "Cuckminster Fuller" because it references an hilarious and popular meme and is also the name of a scientist whose name you heard on The Big Bang Theory (a show you hate; you only watch so you can post mean things about it). A misanthrope posted:>check out Facebook to see what that BITCH who put you in the friendzone is doing  On a whim, you decide to visit the facebook page of Emily Cutemeyer, your longtime crush. She is easily your model of the ideal woman and also a total bitch for ignoring all the favors you've done for her over the years and choosing to date a jerk when she has a nice guy like you in front of her. But you've got her number this time. She recently posted that she was looking for a rare Amiibo figurine that you happen to posses, so you mustered all your cunning and was able to convince her to come by and pick it up from your place. That's when you'll finally make your move...
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May 7, 2015 02:57
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EngineerSean posted:open curtains to see if horrible sunlight still exists Retail Slave posted:>Clean up as best you can, and light a candle to set a romantic mood.  Opening the curtains lets horrible natural light into the room, or at least what little filters down into the alley outside your apartment. It's enough to reveal the mess and some other details that were hidden by the darkness. You don't have any scented candles because they aggravate your athsma, but you start gathering up armloads of trash in a vain attempt to make your goon nest somewhat presentable.
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May 8, 2015 01:04
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CaptainSarcastic posted:> Use the pizza box and caramel macchiato cups to fashion yourself a sweet set of Samurai armor. Continue ignoring bleeding corpse behind couch. Blurry Gray Thing posted:>Don't look behind the couch at the bleeding corpse, there's no time  It takes you a while, but you are able to fashion an historically accurate set of samurai armor out of a discarded pizza box and several used caramel macchiato cups, thus simultaneously solving your mess problem and ensuring you're dressed to impress Emily when she arrives. While you wait, you decide to check GBS for romantic advice. There's no need to post a new thread, however, as you posted one earlier. You check to see if there are any new comments... 
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May 8, 2015 02:32
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DoctorStrangelove posted:>Post another "hilarious" caramel macchiato thread   You post your latest masterpiece. Applewhite fucked around with this message at 02:47 on May 8, 2015 |
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May 8, 2015 02:44
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Windows 98 posted:Investigate the god drat body please  You're not aware of any "body" in the room (other than your own), so you have no idea where you'd start investigating. Coolie Ghost posted:Fashion cape from blinds  Of course! No set of samurai armor is complete without a badass cape! You climb up on the couch to retrieve the blinds. Your face is now directly over the gap between the couch and the wall...
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May 8, 2015 22:22
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Schwza posted:Don't look down, you suffer from intense vertigo. Great, now looking down is all you can think about...   Intriguing; you've discovered a corpse, and it looks like...  Oop, there goes your vertigo.   The corpse is now covered in vomit.
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May 8, 2015 23:39
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Luvcow posted:>make sure you've gotten it all out Clayren posted:>Keep throwing up  Good idea. You can't risk being distracted by the needs of your flesh body at a time like this.   You're pretty sure that's all of it...
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May 8, 2015 23:55
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Doctor J Off posted:>complete the thought in which you were going to identify the body ...your Wii Fit Trainer Amiibo!
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May 9, 2015 00:33
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Hogge Wild posted:make an e/n thread about this, goons can help  Upon discovering the dead body of your longtime unrequited crush behind your couch. And seeing that she has been stabbed in the chest with a rare Amiibo Figurine which she publicly stated she was on her way to pick up from your place of residence, you spring into action! Crafting a masterful E/N post, you spin a cover story that is sure to garner sympathy and helpful advice without arousing suspicion. You also reapply your war paint, which had gotten rubbed off by the curtains. Jenkem Delivery posted:This and try to find a fall guy from TCC  Now to find the perfect patsy, heh heh...
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May 9, 2015 01:19
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Dave_Indeed posted:Review webcam footage to see who killed Emily Cutemeyer. Eat cold taco bell efficiently purchased earlier. poo poo pants.  You go to review the archived footage of the webcam you leave recording at all times, but are shocked to discover that all your archived video has been suspiciously deleted! Not only that, but your webcam is missing as well! Even more shocking: Your cold Taco Bell meat&cheese quesarito has already been eaten!
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May 9, 2015 23:01
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Dr Cheeto posted:>investigate Wii Fit Trainer Amiibo Coolie Ghost posted:In the meantime, check amiibo for any damage. That thing is rare! Coolie Ghost posted:In the meantime, check amiibo for any damage. That thing is rare!  You hasten back to the couch. It takes your flexibility to the limit, but you are able to retrieve the Rare Amiibo from Emily Cutemeyer's Corpse.  With a keen collector's eye, you examine the Rare Wii Fit Trainer Amiibo. The prognosis isn't good. You might be able to get $10.00 for it if you find a pervert who is into girl blood, but other than that you'll be lucky to flip this thing for a tenth of its retail price. This is terrible news.
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May 10, 2015 00:25
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CaptainSarcastic posted:>Since cold Taco Bell food is missing, order pizza. This is no time to have your senses dulled by hunger. bollig posted:>call mom  You decide the situation is desperate enough: you're ordering from Domino's. You also pull up Skype and initiate a call with Your Mother. Being an atheist, you of course have nothing but scorn for the manufactured corporate travesty that is Mother's Day, but your calculating mind is always working the angles, and if you pretend you're calling her to wish her a happy Mother's day she might not get as upset if you tell her about the corpse in your room...
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May 10, 2015 02:04
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ROFLburger posted:op???????????????? What??????????
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May 10, 2015 03:29
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ROFLburger posted:did mom pick up the phone? We'll prob have to find out tomorrow. Posting from my mobile rn.
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May 10, 2015 03:33
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Fusilli Jerry posted:put the amiibo up your butthole for safe keeping.. but only after you use it to give youreself a prostate massage almightyerin posted:Click on dick ad. Order some dick stuff.  You place the Rare Wii Fit Trainer Amiibo in your Colon for safekeeping.  The penis enlargement ad catches your eye and you click on it. The resulting pop-up prompts you to enter your credit card number and you eagerly oblige. The product is endorsed by an accredited man of science, so you're optimistic about its efficacy. In the background, the Skype call to your mother connects. Your Mom: "Brandon? Brandon is that you? I'm not getting any video. Are you alright? Do you need more money?"
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May 11, 2015 01:52
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Retail Slave posted:>Say "MOOOOMMMMM, I asked you not to call me Brandon anymore! My name is Zoltar the Dark Lord!!" Blurry Gray Thing posted:>Say this. But yes Zoltar needs more money.  You: MOOOOMMMMM, I asked you not to call me Brandon anymore! My name is Zoltar the Dark Lord!! Your Mom: I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't realize you were "role gaming." I don't really have time to play along though, honey. Your Brother and sisters are here for mother's day and we're about to cut the cake. You: Zoltar requires an increase in your monthly tithe. Possibly an advance as well. Your Mom: Whatever you need, sweetie I... Are you in a car right now? Are you finally getting your license??
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May 11, 2015 02:22
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Might be a delay in the adventure today and tomorrow. I'll try and post something today but if there's nothing up tonight don't expect anything until after 9pm EST tomorrow.
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May 11, 2015 19:58
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fivethree posted:where is the rest of this story, this is the only thing keeping me to coming to this shithole of a forum Regular updates resume tomorrow. I had to work late today.
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May 13, 2015 03:40
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Drunkboxer posted:Tell mom "no, but I have a doll up my rear end" Dave_Indeed posted:End skype transmission as all objectives have been accomplished. CaptainSarcastic posted:> Tell your mom that you are dealing with "serious business." Barely remember to mumble happy Mother's Day to her, then hang up and call Dominos to find out the status of your pizza delivery before you starve.  You: No, but I have a doll up my rear end. Your Mom: ... I didn't quite catch that, sweetie. But uhh... have you given any thought to maybe joining a local church? I know you say you're an atheist but there are a lot of good people there who can help you with some of the difficulties you've been having with your life... Incensed by your mother's outrageous suggestion, you decide to terminate the call. You: I'm dealing with some serious business right now. I must away.... Happymother'sday. Your Mom: I love y- Call Terminated You hang up and switch over to the Domino's window to check their handy pizza progress bar feature. It's honestly the only reason you ever order from Domino's because it spares you the anxiety of talking to a stranger on the phone when you want to check on the status of your pizza.  According to the "Pizza Progress Bar(tm)" your pizza has entered the "ingredientation(tm)" phase. It's moving a bit slowly for your tastes, but such is to be expected.At least progress is steady. Fojar38 posted:browse gbs some more while on the phone  You switch over to GBS by way of E/N (You've discovered you can travel between the pages more efficiently by pressing the "back" button). Ugh, it looks like some sadbrains freak has hijacked your thread to whine about his own problems. You obviously can't count on E/N for any help. You continue back to your Caramel Macchiato thread and vote it a "5."
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May 13, 2015 13:38
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DaveSplitter posted:>Loot Emily Cutemeyer's corpse. Retail Slave posted:>cop a feel on Emily Cutemeyer's corpse. You've never touched an actual boob before, and it's not rape if she's dead!  You can't loot Emily Cutemeyer's Corpse while she's behind the couch because the gap between the couch and the wall is too small for you to fit through. However you are able to reach her boobs from where you are and give them a squeeze.  Your gropefest is interrupted by a knock at the front door! You look south to see your front door.
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May 13, 2015 15:55
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Kavak posted:> Very quietly look through the peephole and see who it is. bollig posted:> put on sweet trenchcoat, retrieve nunchucks from in between couch cushions  Your trenchcoat is lost somewhere in your pile of laundry and you don't own any knives or rolling pins (or any silverware), but you retrieve your sweet nunchucks from between the couch cushions and equip them before going to check the peephole.  From the look of things, it's one of the TCC goons responding to your offer of weed. TCC Goon: Anybody home? I'm here for the weed. Fusilli Jerry posted:prop Emily's corpse up, give her some shades, & let's Bernie this poo poo  You hurriedly drag Emily's corpse out from behind the couch. The effort of moving the 120 lb female leaves you thoroughly exhausted and sweating like a fat, fat pig. poo poo, you don't own any sunglasses because you never go outside. If the TCC goon sees that her eyes are little "X"s he'll know she's dead!
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May 13, 2015 20:30
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Brony Hunter posted:This, but cover her with the Diablo 3 poster instead  You cover Emily Cutemeyer's corpse with the Diablo III Poster because you don't own any blankets. kid sinister posted:> kill TCC goon with sweet nunchucks Avernus posted:Jesus Christ it's like you guys have never covered up a murder before, what the hell? Dirt McGuirk posted:> and then kill him via nunchuks, make it look like a murder/suicide  You open the door and ready yourself. TCC Goon: Hello?  You strike the TCC Goon as hard as you can with your sweet nunchucks. TCC Goon takes 0 damage.
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May 14, 2015 01:20
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Retail Slave posted:Or lie and tell him you're tripping balls right now and you think you're a Ninja Turtle.  You: Heheh uhh... sorry about that. I'm tripping balls right now and I think I'm a Ninja Turtle... heh... The TCC Goon seems unperturbed. He walks over and examines your shelves. TCC Goon: This is quite a collection of Amiibos you have here... quite a collection...
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May 14, 2015 02:12
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EngineerSean posted:mystery oven and fridge appear out of loving nowhere, i'm beginning to wonder if this is as photorealistic as I once thought they were cut off by the fourth wall in earlier shots.
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May 14, 2015 04:16
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PotatoManJack posted:>Tell him the girl on the couch wanted him to touch her all over with his greasy oily gloveless fingers  You begin to offer Emily Cutemeyer's corpse to the TCC Goon for sex, but he interrupts, apparently oblivious. TCC Goon: Amiibos. You know... ever since they came out I've been fascinated by them... Obsessed really. Amiibos. Many people are. And why wouldn't they be? After all Amiibos represent perfection... a perfection unattainable by our flawed human bodies. Amiibos are... complete... You understand what I'm talking about though, don't you? You're a completionist... like me. I can tell. Emily didn't understand. I tried to show her... tried to...complete her... The TCC Goon trails off, enraptured by the Mega Man Amiibo he's taken off your shelf without asking permission.
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May 14, 2015 04:31
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Kitchner posted:Say you are going to fetch that weed you promised him but actually fetch your hanzo steel and attack him, he will obviously have his own hanzo steel so you end up in what should be a sweet katana duel but you both have no upper body strength or stamina so it's lame as poo poo Helmholz posted:>Fucker stoner, taste my blade porkchop_express posted:kill tcc goon and place body in hot car Uranium 235 posted:kill tcc goon and place body in hot carl  You can't let this weirdo manhandle your precious collectibles for another second. Time to unleash your Hanzo Steel! You: That's great... Let me just... reach back here behind the counter to get the weed I promised...Right... Here? Your Hanzo Steel is missing!  TCC Goon: If you're looking for your katana, I borrowed it along with your webcam. I was going to film myself doing some sweet ninja moves later. I hope you weren't thinking of... hurting me with it... Perhaps I was mistaken... perhaps you aren't like me... Perhaps you aren't... complete?
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May 15, 2015 02:01
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CaptainSarcastic posted:>"Complete? Oh, I don't think you understand who you are talking to..." Drop trou and with a dramatic flourish retrieve Amiibo from anus. Display it like a trophy to assert dominance over TCC goon. Forget to pull up your shorts. Nomikos posted:I like the first part of this, but instead of pulling it out with your hand just use your incredibly toned anal sphincter muscles to shoot the Amiibo at him like a missile.  You drop your cargo shorts and bend over. You: Complete? Oh, I don't think you understand who you are talking to...  Pushing with all your might, you empty your bowels at the Tcc Goon. The rare Wii Fit Trainer Amiibo explodes out of your anus, propelled by the full force of the candy which has finally made it through your digestive system.  The TCC Goon lets out a bloodcurdling scream as the rare Wii Fit Trainer Amiibo stabs him in the shoulder! He is also splattered with diarrhea.
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May 15, 2015 15:20
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EngineerSean posted:Pick up your Halo doll and yell "You killed my Cortana, now I must release The Flood on you, just like my hero John Masterchief." Release the flood... of poop.  The TCC Goon flails around in agony, getting poop everywhere and knocking several more Priceless Amiibos off your shelf as he claws frantically at the rare Wii Fit Trainer Amiibo embedded in his shoulder. His poop slick fingers can't get a grip on the tiny figurine. With your cargo shorts still around your ankles, you shuffle across the room and pick up your Commemorative Premium Format Platinum Pre-Order Bonus 1:5 scale Resin Masterchief Statue. The exquisitely detailed statue is one of only 15,000 in the world, and was an exclusive bonus with pre-order of the Ultimate Platinum Edition of Halo 4, available only at San Diego Comic Con on a first come, first served basis. You had to stand in line for eighteen hours and it cost nine hundred dollars, but it was worth every penny. The sturdy statue is almost too heavy for you to lift, but you manage.  You:You killed my Cortana, now I must release The Flood on you, just like my hero John Masterchief.  You release the flood... of poop.
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May 15, 2015 20:50
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Dr Cheeto posted:>brain TCC goon with the statue of John Masterchef CaptainSarcastic posted:>Trusting in the traction provided by your utilitarian flip-flops, you raise the Masterchief figurine over your head to deliver an epic 2001-A Space Odyssey monkey-style killing blow. You struggle to get it over your head, and then your pitiful strength gives out and you topple over backwards, falling like a doughy cut tree in a puddle of poop. While you lie there, panting and pantsless, there is a knock at the door.  Your raise the Commemorative Premium Format Platinum Pre-Order Bonus 1:5 scale Resin Masterchief Statue over your head to deliver the killing blow. The solid resin statue is extremely heavy, and your willowy arms nearly snap like twigs with the effort of raising it over your head You: It's time to end this...  Before you can deliver the coup de grace, your arms give out and you are pulled over backwards. You try to steady yourself, but your recent flood of diarrhea has left the floor slick and you are unable to regain your footing.  You fall over like a doughy cut tree into your puddle of poop.  Seeing you vulnerable, the TCC Goon flies into an animalistic rage, bellowing with primal fury, he snatches up your Rozalinda Amiibo and leaps at you!  The fragile doll cannot penetrate your historically accurate samurai armor and shatters against the cardboard.  Heedless, the TCC Goon stabs you again and again, unleashing a hurricane of savage blows threaten to overwhelm even your sturdy armor! Through the inchoate screams of the TCC Goon, you hear another voice shouting, but you can't make out what it's saying.  Suddenly, the TCC Goon is clobbered by an Extra Large Meat Lover's Pizza. The searing hot grease burns the TCC Goon's skin and the Triple thick crust with flavor chambers is too heavy for him to escape on his own.  Domino's Pizza Guy: Are you okay, buddy? Hang on, I'm calling the cops.  Your vision fades as you begin to pass out from hunger. If only you'd eaten the Choco Bar you might have stayed conscious long enough to get the *Best Ending*. Why oh why didn't you eat the Choco Bar?? Domino's Pizza Guy: You hear me, buddy? Stay with me... Stay w The End EPILOGUE:  STATS Candy Eaten: 95% (Sliver Medal) Pizzas Enjoyed: 0 Real killers discovered: 1 Real killers caught: 0 Homicides Comitted: 0 Shits taken: 2 Corpses Desecrated: 1 Boobs Felt: 1.5 Amiibos Remaining: 9/10 (Silver Medal) Missing items recovered: 0/5 Applewhite fucked around with this message at 23:17 on May 16, 2015 |
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May 16, 2015 22:44
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SaltyJesus posted:> Load Autosave Loading Autosave... Domino's Pizza Guy: Are you okay, buddy? Hang on, I'm calling the cops. Your vision fades as you begin to pass out from hunger. If only you'd eaten the Choco Bar you might have stayed conscious long enough to get the *Best Ending*. Why oh why didn't you eat the Choco Bar?? You didn't even think to, did you? Domino's Pizza Guy: You hear me, buddy? Stay with me... Stay w The End EPILOGUE: STATS Candy Eaten: 95% (Sliver Medal) Pizzas Enjoyed: 0 Real killers discovered: 1 Real killers caught: 0 Homicides Comitted: 0 Shits taken: 2 Corpses Desecrated: 1 Boobs Felt: 1.5 Amiibos Remaining: 9/10 (Silver Medal) Missing items recovered: 0/5
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May 16, 2015 23:55
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Regalingualius posted:>New Game+ this poo poo, retaining all of your knowledge of what happened The new game + would throw you some curveballs so your retained knowledge would be useless.
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May 17, 2015 00:22
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Vanilla Mint Ice posted:so the delivery guy took the pizza out of the box with his hands, and managed to throw it with its shape completely intact? despite it being hot? despite it being cut up? He opened the top of the box and catapulted it out. The cheese was viscous enough to hold the slices together... yeah.
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May 17, 2015 01:17
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