I have never had the sex.

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > I have never had the sex.

Dr. Dogballs Jr.: Jun 9, 2014; the angriest sex machine

Fun if actual foreplay happens, then most overrated 8 seconds of my life followed by restraining myself from punching the human meatsack still laying on top of me right in his suddenly stupid loving eye, throwing my clothes on in silent rage, spitting a scathing remark about his failure of a job/lack of college degree/deplorable bed etiquette/performance over my shoulder and slamming the door in his pathetic dumb face

Wait, what

# ? Aug 11, 2015 13:40

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 06:06

Archer666: Dec 27, 2008

You pound/get pounded for a few minutes, then you feel immense self loathing for several days.

# ? Aug 11, 2015 13:42

sunken fleet: Apr 25, 2010; dreams of an unchanging future,
a today like yesterday,
a tomorrow like today.; Fallen Rib

its kind of ok when your doing it but then afterwards you have to deal with the fucker you were loving and all in all it's not worth it take it from me op

# ? Aug 11, 2015 13:55

Nefarious: Sep 26, 2000; by XyloJW

its a lot of fun but not worth cleaning up all the turds afterwards

# ? Aug 11, 2015 13:57

the worst thing is: Oct 3, 2013; by FactsAreUseless

Some of the waifu pillows are a lot harder to rinse out, take it from me

# ? Aug 11, 2015 14:04

Ahundredbux: Oct 25, 2007; The right to bear arms

why not, op?

# ? Aug 11, 2015 15:45

Rhizoids: Jul 4, 2009; by Ralp

good opul u should try it

# ? Aug 11, 2015 16:20

Vin BioEthanol: Jan 18, 2002; by Ralp

op you should look into the videos, manifesto and actions of elliot rodger

# ? Aug 11, 2015 16:43

Vin BioEthanol: Jan 18, 2002; by Ralp

particularly his last action

# ? Aug 11, 2015 16:43

Gatekeeper: Aug 3, 2003; He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.

honestly just listen to the album appetite for destruction and you'll pretty much know what it feels like to get sexed the good and the bad

# ? Aug 11, 2015 16:56

Mozi: Apr 4, 2004; Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die; Nap Ghost

having sex is like not having sex, except the opposite

# ? Aug 11, 2015 16:58

thewireguy: Jul 2, 2013

if you have to ask, you don't need to know.

# ? Aug 11, 2015 17:45

Weener Beater: May 4, 2010

Sex is awesome. It helps me forget the pain of my pathetic existence for at least 30 minutes

# ? Aug 11, 2015 17:47

vug: Jan 23, 2015; by Cowcaster

it's like kissing and masturbation mixed together, and not as good as either one
you get to play with boobs though, thats a plus.

# ? Aug 11, 2015 18:40

EnabledAssman: Dec 29, 2008

It sucks and ruined my loving life

# ? Aug 11, 2015 18:45

JiveHonky: May 12, 2001; by zen death robot; Grimey Drawer

EnabledAssman posted:

It sucks and ruined my loving life

same

# ? Aug 11, 2015 18:46

Burt Sexual: Jan 26, 2006; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Switchblade Switcharoo

its v dirty and unhygenic OP, you should abstain for your health

# ? Aug 11, 2015 18:49

a dog from hell: Oct 18, 2009; by zen death robot

It's overrated... seems very exciting when you're just getting into it then youre like bleeehhhhggrhg and your junk hurts

# ? Aug 11, 2015 18:51

No. 6: Jun 30, 2002

EnabledAssman posted:

It sucks and ruined my loving life

JiveHonky posted:

same

Looks at these dads.

# ? Aug 11, 2015 19:06

Percelus: Sep 9, 2012; My command, your wish is

OP is spending sept 5-12 on a cruise ship. lets encourage OP to try having some sex and give him good advice

# ? Aug 11, 2015 19:07

Percelus: Sep 9, 2012; My command, your wish is

let me start. OP you will never stumble into some pussy while avoiding interaction with women, try actually putting yourself out there :thumbsup:

# ? Aug 11, 2015 19:09

BottledBodhisvata: Jul 26, 2013; by Lowtax

My favorite part about sex is laying around naked after, and then staying naked for awhile and watching my girlfriend walk around with no clothes on. Feel sgood.

My least favorite part about sex is eating a pussy when that poo poo isn't so fresh.

# ? Aug 11, 2015 19:17

vug: Jan 23, 2015; by Cowcaster

its weird how you wouldnt lick a slug, but

# ? Aug 11, 2015 19:55

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

it's like this great swelling sadness inside you and you feel this immense sorrow and you just sink under its oppression and then you realize that life is going to be over soon and that everything, including you, is temporary and means nothing and your heart starts to feel like ice and it's like all that is warm in the world goes cold and silent and all that is left is unwavering immutable oblivion

at least thats what its like for me

# ? Aug 11, 2015 20:04

the worst thing is: Oct 3, 2013; by FactsAreUseless

Zzulu posted:

it's like this great swelling sadness inside you and you feel this immense sorrow and you just sink under its oppression and then you realize that life is going to be over soon and that everything, including you, is temporary and means nothing and your heart starts to feel like ice and it's like all that is warm in the world goes cold and silent and all that is left is unwavering immutable oblivion

at least thats what its like for me

I expected a little more from Windows 10 as well.

# ? Aug 11, 2015 20:14

not an endorsement: Mar 14, 2008; Personally, I think it's problematic that a sitting Senator has a racial slur for a last name.

Percelus posted:

let me start. OP you will never stumble into some pussy while avoiding interaction with women, try actually putting yourself out there

cool advice romeo

# ? Aug 11, 2015 20:26

gottabefrank: Sep 19, 2014

Percelus posted:

try actually putting yourself out there

This phrase means nothing and only makes the person giving the advice feel good

# ? Aug 11, 2015 20:48

tie-dye my titties: Jun 14, 2014; by WE B Boo-ourgeois

Weener Beater posted:

Sex is awesome. It helps me forget the pain of my pathetic existence for at least 30 seconds

# ? Aug 11, 2015 20:57

Deep Water: Aug 11, 2015; by Ralp

E Equals MC Hammer posted:

What's it like?

Women Hate inexperience, they wont say it like that, but they HATE lack of experience.

NOW, when you are like i was at age 21, and women in the USA would rater dive into broken glass than gently caress you.

You are stuck at a very interesting fork in the road. There's 2 roads that are in front of you:

1. ROAD ONE: Society has you Pegged, and wants you to stay exactly as you are, be a Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice Guy, Be sweet, be a doormat, listen to cunts tell you Oh dont worry, you're 21 and never been kissed, there is a woman just waiting to marry you. And, then you wake up one day and you are a 45 year old virgin.

2. Road Two: You realize you have been dealt a hand full of bullshit cards. Society has poo poo in your mouth and is expecting you to swallow. But, rather than do that. You tell your cunty friends to get fist hosed in all their holes, and spit the poo poo out into their face on their way out the door.

You realize playing by the rules sure hasnt gotten you any loving success, so i might as well start trying to break a few.

I remember the day i lost my virginity to a hooker. I was sitting there, age 21, thinking about all the cunts telling me some girl was out there waiting to be married to me. And, how they acted repulsed if i brought up going out on a date with me.

I THOUGHT WHAT THE gently caress IS THIS, society is forcing me into some role i have no interest in playing,

well gently caress this poo poo. I had been told OH NO man only crazy people you see on the show Cops gently caress hookers, and the hookers are crazy druggies.

And, i decided well i guess im going to be one of those bad guys on Cops then. So i called up a hooker waiting for strung out crack head.

And, then i had some beautiful blond haired blue eyed 25 year old standing naked in my bedroom telling me how she couldnt wait to gently caress me.

After that experience i realized, I had been lied to.

I had been lied to by my parents, by my family, by my peers, by my teachers, by society.

I was once a really good guy, who believed all the lies, and only i seemed to have fallen for them, and then i had to simultaneously go and chuck all of them.

So thats what i did, i hosed hookers, hung out in strip clubs, had all kinds of wild experiences, granted i didnt get them how someone would normally get them but i still had them,

well a funny thing happened after a lot of these experiences,

I became a man women actually liked and wanted to gently caress,

now im not saying i have a line of models or anything, but i have average women who want to get married to me, and gently caress me.

I could of very easily stayed on road one.

It's up to you though, are you going to live the Life that has been Shoved on you, or the Life you want for yourself

# ? Aug 11, 2015 21:04

SirEvelynTremble: Dec 25, 2013; FUCK YOU HITLER
STALINGRAD
ROFLMFAO

Deep Water posted:

Women Hate inexperience, they wont say it like that, but they HATE lack of experience.

NOW, when you are like i was at age 21, and women in the USA would rater dive into broken glass than gently caress you.

You are stuck at a very interesting fork in the road. There's 2 roads that are in front of you:

1. ROAD ONE: Society has you Pegged, and wants you to stay exactly as you are, be a Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice Guy, Be sweet, be a doormat, listen to cunts tell you Oh dont worry, you're 21 and never been kissed, there is a woman just waiting to marry you. And, then you wake up one day and you are a 45 year old virgin.

2. Road Two: You realize you have been dealt a hand full of bullshit cards. Society has poo poo in your mouth and is expecting you to swallow. But, rather than do that. You tell your cunty friends to get fist hosed in all their holes, and spit the poo poo out into their face on their way out the door.

You realize playing by the rules sure hasnt gotten you any loving success, so i might as well start trying to break a few.

I remember the day i lost my virginity to a hooker. I was sitting there, age 21, thinking about all the cunts telling me some girl was out there waiting to be married to me. And, how they acted repulsed if i brought up going out on a date with me.

I THOUGHT WHAT THE gently caress IS THIS, society is forcing me into some role i have no interest in playing,

well gently caress this poo poo. I had been told OH NO man only crazy people you see on the show Cops gently caress hookers, and the hookers are crazy druggies.

And, i decided well i guess im going to be one of those bad guys on Cops then. So i called up a hooker waiting for strung out crack head.

And, then i had some beautiful blond haired blue eyed 25 year old standing naked in my bedroom telling me how she couldnt wait to gently caress me.

After that experience i realized, I had been lied to.

I had been lied to by my parents, by my family, by my peers, by my teachers, by society.

I was once a really good guy, who believed all the lies, and only i seemed to have fallen for them, and then i had to simultaneously go and chuck all of them.

So thats what i did, i hosed hookers, hung out in strip clubs, had all kinds of wild experiences, granted i didnt get them how someone would normally get them but i still had them,

well a funny thing happened after a lot of these experiences,

I became a man women actually liked and wanted to gently caress,

now im not saying i have a line of models or anything, but i have average women who want to get married to me, and gently caress me.

I could of very easily stayed on road one.

It's up to you though, are you going to live the Life that has been Shoved on you, or the Life you want for yourself

That's the most sound advice so far

# ? Aug 11, 2015 21:09

GORDON: Jan 1, 2006; by Fluffdaddy

Windows 98 posted:

I was supposed to have sex tonight with ~MY GIRLFRIEND~ but she just got home from a long flight and is tired so she isn't coming by tonight.

I know exactly what you're saying. She's going to be spit roasted by the pilot and lead flight attendant tonight.

Let us know how tomorrow goes though.

# ? Aug 11, 2015 21:44

Percelus: Sep 9, 2012; My command, your wish is

gottabefrank posted:

This phrase means nothing and only makes the person giving the advice feel good

i always thought it meant trying to flirt with cute people in appropriate settings when possible, approaching people at bars/clubs/parties and generally just making an effort to meet women :shobon:

# ? Aug 11, 2015 21:51

a dog from hell: Oct 18, 2009; by zen death robot

Percelus posted:

i always thought it meant trying to flirt with cute people in appropriate settings when possible, approaching people at bars/clubs/parties and generally just making an effort to meet women

You might be able to stumble into the life of some lonely person but it's not very functional advice. Aggressiveness isn't usually the missing piece. You have to think about how many aggressive men there are in a day in the life of a pretty girl. Depends on how high you're shooting for I guess.

If you don't have the midas touch, better pay up or stop caring.

# ? Aug 11, 2015 21:56

Percelus: Sep 9, 2012; My command, your wish is

a dog from hell posted:

You might be able to stumble into the life of some lonely person but it's not very functional advice. Aggressiveness isn't usually the missing piece. You have to think about how many aggressive men there are in a day in the life of a pretty girl. Depends on how high you're shooting for I guess.

If you don't have the midas touch, better pay up or stop caring.

the first step to getting laid is meeting people, and in what world is striking up conversation aggressive. do only jock douche alphas approach women in your autistic little world?

# ? Aug 11, 2015 22:06

a dog from hell: Oct 18, 2009; by zen death robot

Percelus posted:

the first step to getting laid is meeting people, and in what world is striking up conversation aggressive. do only jock douche alphas approach women in your autistic little world?

No. I just watch guys try to do this all day and it's wearing. Most of you are very bad at it and the dog butt-sniffing behavior is just something I'm tired of.

# ? Aug 11, 2015 22:08