You are being offered a selection of Two-Fisted Fantasy books. Do you choose:

The Forge of the Cocksmith (#8)

Set on one of the Demonic Planes, in this adventure you are a journeyman Cocksmith, servant to a demonic Phalloknight. Your master has received an order for a complete suit of armour for his phallic lord and its steed, but suddenly dies in mysterious circumstances. Now you are in line to get all the wealth and glory and be granted the title of Master Cocksmith - but only if you can beat the other aspiring cocksmiths in gathering the plans, tools and special equipment at the forge. Play as an ancestral spirit (temporarily) inhabitating a goblin, an evil old crone, an immortal skeleton or a gang of four ruthless pixies - but beware because the characters you don't pick will be racing against you and trying to sabotage your efforts.

The Treasure of Skytrap Temple (#10)

A drunk in Bilgeton's Hoary Boar spills the beans about a great treasure hidden in the distant Skytrap Temple. Far in the mountainous North it has never been plundered, but that's about to change. Set out with your band of adventurers, find the Temple, evade its dangers and seize the riches for yourself. You can choose to command a customisable party of humans and dwarfs from Bilgeton, a skeleton workcrew, a band of goblins and batfolk or a pack of wolfmen and barbarians. TIme is of the essence though because this drunk has told everyone, and the groups you don't pick will also be on the trail.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at 01:48 on Aug 28, 2015

Hogge Wild fucked around with this message at 01:36 on Aug 23, 2015

• The United States of Humanity was formed early in the 21st century in response to America's overwhelming social, cultural, economic and military dominance. Rather than struggle the people of Earth adopted US language, customs and freedoms and pledged allegiance to President John Ellis Bush. Human spacefarers are rugged individualists but collectively are extremely paranoid and prone to space madness of all kinds. Combined with their constitutional requirement to open carry, life on a human space vessel can be pretty dangerous.
  
  
• The Robotic Disco Alliance is made up a collection of self-replicating machines from a planet where calculators evolved before organic life. The only thing that they share is a deep love of synth and electronic dance music. Many light-years from home and running low on spares and skilled mechanics, malfunctions and breakdowns are common among the crew, many of which are heavily armed or of vital importance to the functioning of the ship. The Robots have an advantage over the meatier races in that they don't need to go into suspended animation for trips between star systems, which means they're less likely to wake up dead after decades in the deep freeze.
  
  
• The Cayman Republic is a planetary hereditary oligarchy made up of grotesque, inbred crocodiles. Inheriting terrible genetics along with their wealth the Caymans are prone to abhorrently greedy, stupid and short-sighted behaviour. However, their technology is the best money can buy, even if the crocs left all the best engineers back on the home world to be destroyed along with the rest of the planet.
  
  
• Finally, the Catte Empire is a military caste system of intelligent predatory species held together by little more than threats of violence. At the top of the system are the terrifying Cattes. They preside over a surly crew of Badgers, Owls and Foxes. Carrying out the majority of the low-status manual work of engineering, cleaning and being eaten are the lowly Rats and Mice. The Catte Empire lasted for hundreds of years on the homeworld but can the balance be maintained in space?
  

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at 00:39 on Aug 24, 2015

• Humans: A party of humans and dwarves (as well as halflings, pixies and some other garbage as options) from Bilgeton. They have the best equipment available at the start. The humans are armoured footmen and knights and the dwarves are skilled thieves and traders.
  
  
• Skeletons: Some of Aggie's skeletal workers. They're effectively immortal (can't be killed in combat or in most other ways) and don't need to eat or sleep but move a bit slower than other groups, especially when damaged.
  
  
• Goblins: A motley collection of Goblins, Bat-folk, Dark Elves and other subterranean scum. Weak but very tricky they start with an extra party member and each of them has a special ability.
  
  
• Wolf Tribe: Sacred werewolves, acolytes and timber wolves from a forest-dwelling human tribe. Very good at combat but not very balanced in skills. Can eat raw meat safely which means finding food is easy for them.