TEAYCHES posted:

i sure am tired of all these star wars

Applewhite posted:

More like blow two sheep.

nopantsjack posted:

The Story So Far

The initial drama
Derek Smart is Derek Smart, trolls Star Citizen for a few months.
The Escapist publishes a peice where employees of CIG accuse Chris and Sandy of mismanagement, waste of funds and specifically Sandy of racism and muff-hating.
Chris Roberts posts a big meltdown on the Star Citizen site accusing Escapist of manufacturing sources/beleiving disgruntled employees/being Derek Smart/being Gamergate.
One day later CIG threaten Escapist with a defamation suit against the claims on Sandy (notably no claims to do with the money) unless they apologise and remove the article within 24 hours.
The Escapist says no, and commits to further investigation.

Pre-Citicon:
Derek Smart predicts a ship called the Vindicator will come out and it'll be $175 and a fighter, he does this through Beer who gets banned from the CIG forums for it.
Much shitposting.

Citicon:
After a brief delay and schizophrenic countdown timer, Citicon opens with a tearful speech from Sandy where she appeals to backers to think on the deep social connections they've forged by buying theoretical spaceships together, hypes Star Citizen as the pinnacle of human endeavour. This all sounds like a resignation and she's given going-away flowers, but doesn't leave.
gently caress you, Derek #1: "Anonymous hate campaign" + Look how much Sandy's underlings like her She also drops that she and Chris are married and this has "never been a secret" which is untrue.

Chris waddles on stage and mumbles through his nose and giggles, after showing how many devblog programs they've made the first thing he does is show off how many people he has working for him to disprove allegations of shrinking studio sizes. (gently caress you, Derek #2)
Chris lists the only stuff that is probably coming out soon, and its basically two weapons and buggies and the ability to respawn after you die.

After months of delays Star Marine is quietly scrapped and the development process is reversed and is no longer modular, now they're going to combine all the modules into one alpha to be released at an undisclosed time. gently caress You, Derek #3: "Everyone always yells at me when I give you release dates so I won't anymore."

Chris manages to fail at Powerpoint and can't make the next slide work.
Chris declares the alpha map to be the biggest ever in a game but compares it with Daggerfall and Skyrim rather than Elite, EVE or No Man's Sky which are much larger.

At some point they show off the state of this combined alpha, which is basically the multicrew demo from earlier roughly combined with the Star Marine module, it still looks very choppy and extremely pre-alpha, tellingly in a 4v4 firefight none of the shooting is captured on camera.
From the looks of it its entirely possible to lose whole space systems by not being good enough at FPSes. This is the only "gameplay" shown in the whole presentation, and involves mostly walking and some taking off, travelling and landing in space ships, ostensibly some people shooting assault rifles and then getting back in a ship.

A guy introduces a neat map app thats actually available now in browser and seems to work, making it the most polished game to come out of the kickstarter so far. You can plan your space camping trip routes in a game that won't exist for 2 years maybe never. The guy running the demo nearly dies from stage fright.

Chris talks about a night club called the Million Mile High Club where presumably people will gently caress eachother in space. This will probably also come out in some form, since its just a map people can walk around in, will support up to 25 players lol habbo hotel tech.

Some other guy intros an unpriced super joystick/keyboard/throttle addon that looks like hot dogshit but the guy doing the presentation is the only human that comes on stage for the whole thing. Chris fucks up at the reveal at every opportunity continuing the trend of Chris not being able to do anything.

They intro the Referral program with a video made by the one man who doesn't know how to say referral. The new "refral" program basically encourages faithful Citizens to recruit new players to buy this nonexistant game or buy 25 new accounts to get themselves a gaudy gold ship skin.
Possibly before this they announce a new ship that is totally the Vindicator, but has been renamed the Saber and sliced $5 off the price. (gently caress you, Derek #4)
They also announce a new $2500 military ship pack to go with Squadron42.

Halfway through the event and Chris is now just going to talk about Squadron 42 for the next hour, everyone is super excited to see what they have to show.

They have videos of the motion cap studio they set up themselves and reveal that Gary Oldman is in it and show a trailer showing CG Gary Oldman doing an old man voice with a muppet mouth before bragging about their facial animation in another video. They reveal a bunch of celebrities such as Scully, Luke Skywalker and Gimli are also in it as well as Sandi Gardiner. In brief interviews Gary Oldman looks guarded or despondant and compares Chris to Lucas.

They show us the first Squadron 42 gameplay ever revealed and its one big walking cutscene where they tour the ship and nothing else happens, the voices and perfomances are okay but this... isn't a game and there are bugs everywhere even for this one slice they have made, the first guy you see's hair takes 10 seconds to appear, another guy has a luminous mouth like his soul is trying to escape. All the black characters are carrying luggage or cargo in the background.
The animations range from decent mocap to shockingly rudimentary. Release date is set as 2016 which is laughable for anyone watching.

Chris goes loving mental for like 25 minutes about how many hours of cutscenes the game has and how huge its script is and it becomes chillingly apparent to everyone he's just found a way to reignite his hollywood dreams off the backs of nerds with poor judgement.
He gets an underling to bring him the script and then throws it on the floor to show how huge it is, then turns around and leaves him to pick it up, then realises he's supposed to be pretending to be nice and squawks out an apology and does his weird Hyih Hyih giggle.

Cake Time! CIG make a final bid to fill time and distract people from the fact the game doesn't exist and they showed 10 minutes of gameplay and they just told everyone none of the stuff they've been waiting for is coming out and they're going to have to indefinitly wait for an alpha that currently doesn't exist in any releaseable way.
They have brought a big birthday cake and they try and figure out a way to get the cake on a table from where it is 4 feet to the right to centre stage, which takes an army of techies and employees much hemming and hawing.
A put-upon looking stage assistant lights the candles as Chris giggles and introduces his all male, all white staff. "Happy Birthday, Star Citizen" they sing. The cake has 3 candles on it because its 3 years since the dream of Star Citizen and Star Citizen is just a dream.
Chris tries to blow out the candles and sprays spit all over them with a big ol' raspberry.
Chris makes two tentative cuts to the cake, asking the whole time how you cut cake and apologising like a man who has never seen a cake nor indeed a knife before.
Chris gives up immediately, nobody is getting any cake because he just can't figure this out, he tells the techies to cut the cake but then decides against it and announces the show is over.

I now know why I was put here on this earth, it was to make the longest post about Star Citizen nobody will ever want to read.

quote:

- Flowers for Sandi
- Millions of kilometers of space
- Immersive
- Mostly rehashed Crusader v0 gameplay demo
- Immersive star map where Alpha Centauri is not the closest star to Sol
- "Private" "lounge" for your friends to hang out and drink immersive alcoholic beverages (and fishtanks)
- Saitek getting on the money train with custom branded joysticks
- Trapezoidal marketing referral bonus program (get 5 referrals and get a bigger fish tank, get 10 and get a gold skin for a ship!)
- Actually not bad looking fighter (SabrePotato)
- Immersive
- Squadron 42, wwwhaaat???
- Independence day and/or 9/11 style speech intro cutscene by Gary Oldman set in a Space Parliament
- Gary Oldman still talking
- Gary Oldman barely blinking
- Gary Oldman still talking raspily
- A-List Hollywood actor list
- And Sandi
- Amazing facial feature technology including blood flow, wrinkle maps, pupil dilation and other subtle features needed for a space sim
- Immersive
- Tactical combat everywhere! Even on the ground!
- Ships on SALE!!!!
- 90 million page script (Still not as long as BP aaaaayyyyy)
- 120 hours of mo cap recorded, 10 hours kept for the game
- Actors being paid to praise the mo cap
- 66 day shooting schedule
- Immersive
- Huge 250m Frigate
- Starlancer opening recreation with an amazing array of UK accents
- Corridor walking simulator
- Sitting in a briefing room and hearing the history of your ship simulator
- The number 2016 was seen, may indicate years until release(?????)
- Immersive birthday cake for SC brought out, happy birthday is cringly sung
- Chris Roberts can't cut a cake
- Immersion

Flesh Forge posted:

a goon wrote this




a non goon wrote this

Flesh Forge posted:

Dr. Derek Smart Esquire surely you've hard of him

Muttonchips posted:

Where exists a summary of this saga?

Lowtax posted:

Hehe I'm finally aligned with Derek Smart.

Dapper Dan posted:

there was a washed up has-been, named croberts. he made one good series but let it go to his head. in the early 2000s, he had been kicked off his own game and left the industry to make a movies. he made one movie so awful, it doesn't even fall into the so funny its bad category. he then went on to produce movies for the next several years. but then, croberts broke a contract in hollywood. the dumbest loving thing you can do. he was blacklisted from hollywood.

the only place he could turn to was his former gaming haven. so he made a modest little project, a modern re-creation of wing commander for a mere 500k. but then it got big. really, really big. his ego swelling to massive proportions like testicles with elephantiasis, he determined he would make an fps, space sim, mmo, trading, pirating, dog fighting, farmer, mining, crafting shipping simulator that gaming had never seen before. people bought into this, paying for his dreams with jpegs. with each new jpeg, the coffers swelled. and the features expanded. 'croberts will save us! croberts is our hero!' and thus, the citizens were placated. years pass, with no appreciable progress. then the reality sets in.

they cannot make a cross hair stick to the center of the screen
switching weapons crashes the fps portion
there are no gameplay modules of the space portion

no one questions it, croberts releases more jpegs and they are bought. the citizens ignore everything, worshiping croberts. savings are drained, marriages are ruined, debt piles up. no one cares. it is pre-alpha they say. it will be good. croberts will save us. it has been three years. now, there is star con. to show what they have been working on. 'it is coming soon, there are no dates' the crowd cheers. 'we have a referral system now, get your friends jpegs and you will be rewarded with golden ships' the crowd cheers. all the gameplay shown is walking, some flying. barely anything else. the crowd devours it. croberts picks up the script for the single player portion of the game. it contains ten hours of cutscenes, longer than any metal gear solid game ever made. the crowd cheers. 'would you like to see motion captures?' the crowd waits in anticipation:



someone, somewhere, whispers, 'derek smart was right'

Dapper Dan posted:

Mumpy Puffinz posted:

gently caress you. that's why

Dapper Dan posted:

serious norman posted:

Why is this model so ugly and poorly crafted?