At Thomas Kellers, Per Se Slips and Stumbles

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Comfy Fleece Sweater: Apr 2, 2013; You see, but you do not observe.

lol

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/01/13/dining/pete-wells-per-se-review.html?_r=1&referer=

quote:

The lady had dropped her napkin.

More accurately, she had hurled it to the floor in a fit of disillusionment, her small protest against the slow creep of mediocrity and missed cues during a four-hour dinner at Per Se that would cost the four of us close to $3,000. Some time later, a passing server picked up the napkin without pausing to see whose lap it was missing from, neatly embodying the oblivious sleepwalking that had pushed my guest to this point.

Such is Per Se�s mystique that I briefly wondered if the failure to bring her a new napkin could have been intentional. The restaurant�s identity, to the extent that it has one distinct from that of its owner and chef, Thomas Keller, is based on fastidiously minding the tiniest details. This is the place, after all, that brought in a ballet dancer to help servers slip around the tables with poise. So I had to consider the chance that the server was just making a thoughtful accommodation to a diner with a napkin allergy.

But in three meals this fall and winter, enough other things have gone awry in the kitchen and dining room to make that theory seem unlikely. Enough, also, to make the perception of Per Se as one of the country�s great restaurants, which I shared after visits in the past, appear out of date. Enough to suggest that the four-star rating it received from Sam Sifton in 2011, its most recent review in The New York Times, needs a hard look.

With each fresh review, a restaurant has to earn its stars again. In its current form and at its current price, Per Se struggled and failed to do this, ranging from respectably dull at best to disappointingly flat-footed at worst.

Dinner or lunch at this grand, hermetic, self-regarding, ungenerous restaurant brings a protracted march of many dishes. In 2004, the year Per Se opened, the price for nine courses was $150 before tax and tip; last week, it went up to $325, with service included. Eli Kaimeh, the chef de cuisine, changes the menu all the time, but he leaves a few pieces of heirloom furniture in place: the salmon tartare and cr�me fra�che fitted into an ice cream cone the size of a triple-A battery; the �oysters and pearls,� a savory tapioca pudding under caviar and warm oysters; the cinnamon-sugared doughnut holes with a froth-capped cup of cappuccino semifreddo; and when it�s in season, lobster poached in butter.

These dishes, all of which Mr. Keller made famous years ago at the French Laundry in Napa Valley, show his rare combination of American playfulness and rigorous finesse. One could argue that it�s a little lame that Mr. Keller is still trotting them out. The name Per Se, after all, was chosen to suggest that New York would not simply reflect California�s glory; this would be a landmark restaurant in and of itself.

My quarrel with these greatest hits, though, is that they make Per Se�s new material look random and purposeless. The classics would suffer if you changed one element. With the notable exception of some desserts that Elwyn Boyles, Anna Bolz and their pastry team elegantly wove together, I couldn�t say that about many other recent dishes.

The kitchen could improve the bacon-wrapped cylinder of quail simply by not placing it on top of a dismal green pulp of cooked romaine lettuce, crunchy and mushy at once. Draining off the gluey, oily liquid would have helped a mushroom potpie from turning into a swampy mess. I don�t know what could have saved limp, dispiriting yam dumplings, but it definitely wasn�t a lukewarm matsutake mushroom bouillon as murky and appealing as bong water.

It�s a bit of a mystery what pickled carrots, peanuts and a date wrapped in a soft crepe were supposed to do for a slab of Dorset cheese from Consider Bardwell Farm, but a good first step would have been allowing the washed-rind cow�s milk cheese to warm up to a buttery softness; served cold, it was rubbery and flavorless.

Even canonic dishes could be mangled. One time the sabayon in �oysters and pearls� had broken and separated, so fat pooled above the tapioca.

Mr. Keller wrote in �The French Laundry Cookbook� that poaching lobster in butter �cooks it so slowly and gently that the flesh remains exquisitely tender � so tender some people think it�s not completely cooked.� There was little danger of anyone�s making that mistake on two occasions when the lobster was intransigently chewy: gristle of the sea. The first time, it was served with a sugary Meyer lemon marmalade and a grainy chestnut pur�e that tasted like peanut butter to which something terrible had been done. Subsequently, it was paired with a slick of cold oatmeal.

Along this gravel road, there were some smooth stretches. Lubina, the European sea bass, was sheathed in handsome golden scales of potato and bewitchingly sauced with a reduction of red wine and port swirled with butter. Bulging agnolotti filled with butternut squash and mascarpone were fat envelopes of pure pleasure. The flavors and colors of roasted sunchokes, vinegared beets, peeled Concord grapes and pur�ed pistachios came together in vivid harmony.

The type of daring � where did that come from? � thrill that you hope to get at a restaurant like Per Se appears rarely, but it was there in a majestic pile of osetra caviar over deeply savory bonito jelly and cured fluke that had been pressed between sheets of kelp, a flavor-enhancing trick known in Japan as kobu-jime.

More familiar, but just as transporting, was the risotto, supersaturated with brown butter and creamy Castelmagno cheese. A server appeared with a wooden box and a shaver, and the plate momentarily disappeared under a rain of white truffles. A few minutes later, even more truffles poured down.

Both dishes, though, came at an extra charge: $75 more for the caviar and $175 for the risotto. The supplements at Per Se can cause indignation, among other emotions. When my server asked, �Would you like the foie gras�� $40 more � �or the salad?,� the question had an air of menace. When the salad turned out to be a pale, uncrisp fried eggplant raviolo next to droopy strips of red pepper and carrot, it felt like extortion.

Some of those prices came down slightly when the baseline cost went up. With or without supplemental charges, though, Per Se is among the worst food deals in New York.

Mr. Keller was a leader in the service-included model of pricing, although he muddies the waters by leaving a line for an optional gratuity on the check. Just what kind of service is included?

The people who work in Per Se�s dining room can be warm and gracious. They can also be oddly unaccommodating. When one of my guests didn�t like a sample of a red being offered by the glass, the sommelier decided to argue, defending his choice instead of pouring something new. When I asked to see the truffle being shaved over somebody else�s plate, it was whisked under my eyes for a nanosecond, as if the server were afraid I was going to sneeze. I know what truffles look like; what I wanted was to smell it.

Wine glasses sat empty through entire courses. Once, the table was set for dessert so haphazardly that my spoon ended up next to my water glass instead of my plate. Sitting down after a trip to the restroom, one of my guests had his chair pushed back into place with a hard shove. Has the dance teacher been replaced by a rugby coach?

Servers sometimes give you the feeling that you work for them, and your job is to feel lucky to receive whatever you get. As you leave, you�re handed a gift bag. It�s small, but still too big for its contents, two chocolate sandwich cookies for each person and an illustrated booklet called �Per Se Purveyors.� No doubt this will make useful reading some sleepless night, but it feels like the swag that�s given out after a free press lunch. Except Per Se isn�t free.

It�s possible to pass an entire meal in this no-fun house without a single unpleasant incident apart from the presentation of the check. The gas flames in the glass-walled hearth are a cheerful sight, and the view of Central Park�s tree line past Columbus�s marble head is an unbeatable urban panorama. But are they enough? Is Per Se worth the time and money?

In and of itself, no.

email: petewells@nytimes.com. And follow Pete Wells on Twitter: @pete_wells.

I am a poofy idiot who overpays for food, yummy

# ? Jan 14, 2016 23:28

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# ? Apr 27, 2024 02:02

BigBoss: Jan 26, 2012; by Lowtax

Does this place have salt and pepper on the table? Any place that doesn't is a place to avoid.

# ? Jan 14, 2016 23:31

Hell Yeah: Dec 25, 2012

ohhhh this restaurant isn't as good as it once was. *faints*

# ? Jan 14, 2016 23:31

a shiny rock: Nov 13, 2009

canceling my reservation now

# ? Jan 14, 2016 23:33

criscodisco: Feb 18, 2004; do it

For some reason, this stupid review has been all over the information superhighway for the last couple of days, and I can't figure out why anyone give a poo poo. Restaurants go downhill all the time, so just eat at Denny's where nothing changes.

# ? Jan 14, 2016 23:35

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

If I was paying 3 grand for a dinner, I'd want it to be impeccable as well. Oh no.

# ? Jan 14, 2016 23:38

Tonsured: Jan 14, 2005; I came across mention of a Gnostic codex called The Unreal God and the Aspects of His Nonexistent Universe, an idea which reduced me to helpless laughter. What kind of person would write about something that he knows doesn't exist, and how can something that doesn't exist have aspects?

Reading this article has made my nipples intransigently hard

# ? Jan 14, 2016 23:43

Thirsty Girl: Dec 5, 2015

can you take your dick out and wave it aroundp

# ? Jan 15, 2016 00:05

chefvinny: Apr 5, 2009

Eat the rich.

# ? Jan 15, 2016 00:09

Thirsty Girl: Dec 5, 2015

i wanted to smell it

# ? Jan 15, 2016 00:11

Klyith: Aug 3, 2007; GBS Pledge Week

chefvinny posted:

Eat the rich.

poached in butter, with shaved truffle and creme fraiche, complemented by a rich sauce reduction of colt 45 and bottom shelf whiskey

human foie gras $45 extra

# ? Jan 15, 2016 00:24

Bro Dad: Mar 26, 2010

quote:

The lady had dropped her napkin.

More accurately, she had hurled it to the floor in a fit of disillusionment, her small protest against the slow creep of mediocrity and missed cues during a four-hour dinner at Per Se that would cost the four of us close to $3,000. Some time later, a passing server picked up the napkin without pausing to see whose lap it was missing from, neatly embodying the oblivious sleepwalking that had pushed my guest to this point.

lol

# ? Jan 15, 2016 00:28

penus penus penus: Nov 9, 2014; by piss__donald

wow id piss in this person's face

# ? Jan 15, 2016 00:30

ANIME IS BLOOD: Sep 4, 2008; by zen death robot

Klyith posted:

poached in butter, with shaved truffle and creme fraiche, complemented by a rich sauce reduction of colt 45 and bottom shelf whiskey

human foie gras $45 extra

# ? Jan 15, 2016 00:31

OXBALLS DOT COM: Sep 11, 2005; by FactsAreUseless; Young Orc

Don Tacorleone posted:

lol

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/01/13/dining/pete-wells-per-se-review.html?_r=1&referer=
Eli Kaimeh, the chef de cuisine

I am a poofy idiot who overpays for food, yummy

Syrians ruining european things again, I see

# ? Jan 15, 2016 00:35

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

THE DOG HOUSE posted:

wow id piss in this person's face

he would give your restaurant a scathing review even if you dont have a restaurant. unless he is into that, then it would be the opposite.

# ? Jan 15, 2016 00:35

The Walrus: Jul 9, 2002; by Fluffdaddy

only super really fancy place I've ever been was le bernadin. was really excellent would recommend any day.

# ? Jan 15, 2016 01:10

Tumble: Jun 24, 2003; I'm not thinking of anything!

This review is certainly overdramatic and a bit pretentious, but man I love spending a fuckload of money on a baller dinner out.

Ladyfriend and I are hitting up a dope spot in Stowe this Saturday. Apparently they do a wonderful venison. I don't even really eat venison but people said it's great so I'll try it.

Non-bitch goons who enjoy themselves, tell me about some great, imaginative dishes you've eaten recently! Maybe we can start an unironic thread about eating out at nice places soon!

I had a lovely octopus salad the other day - they used the ink to make a neat pitch-black but tasty sauce to go with it.

# ? Jan 15, 2016 01:32

Thirsty Girl: Dec 5, 2015

Tumble posted:

This review is certainly overdramatic and a bit pretentious, but man I love spending a fuckload of money on a baller dinner out.

Ladyfriend and I are hitting up a dope spot in Stowe this Saturday. Apparently they do a wonderful venison. I don't even really eat venison but people said it's great so I'll try it.

Non-bitch goons who enjoy themselves, tell me about some great, imaginative dishes you've eaten recently! Maybe we can start an unironic thread about eating out at nice places soon!

I had a lovely octopus salad the other day - they used the ink to make a neat pitch-black but tasty sauce to go with it.

a oyster

# ? Jan 15, 2016 01:34

Thirsty Girl: Dec 5, 2015

today i had a egg

# ? Jan 15, 2016 01:35

Real hurthling!: Sep 11, 2001

This is probably the second most hostile review i have seen in the nyt ever, only behind the hilarious guy fieri times square restaurant which i think the same person wrote.

the restaurant deserves it for charging like 600 dollars per person and serving bad dishes. the author is a boss for somehow getting the dying print industry to send him and 3 friends to the most expensive restaurant in ny like 4 times in a year so his hatchet job could be well researched.

here's the fieri article: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/14/dining/reviews/restaurant-review-guys-american-kitchen-bar-in-times-square.html?_r=0

Real hurthling! fucked around with this message at 01:42 on Jan 15, 2016

# ? Jan 15, 2016 01:37

OXBALLS DOT COM: Sep 11, 2005; by FactsAreUseless; Young Orc

Real hurthling! posted:

This is probably the second most hostile review i have seen in the nyt ever, only behind the hilarious guy fieri times square restaurant which i think the same person wrote.

the restaurant deserves it for charging like 600 dollars per person and serving bad dishes. the author is a boss for somehow getting the dying print industry to send him and 3 friends to the most expensive restaurant in ny like 4 times in a year so his hatchet job could be well researched.

here's the fieri article: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/14/dining/reviews/restaurant-review-guys-american-kitchen-bar-in-times-square.html?_r=0

Read a review on the computer this mornin' when I was hidin' in the john from the landlord again. Some New York fella named Peener Wells wrote 'bout my main man Guy Fieri's NYC 'rant in the paper. Man, he seems like a real load. Maybe even bigger than Doug Carlson? Who knows. Anyway, I bet the Bold Bad Boy's too busy with important crap to respond to all the questions this assclown can't seem to figure out the answers to, so I figured I'd give him the info on behalf of Guy. I might be helpin' Guy out with the restaurant anyway, so I figure I should be responsible.

GUY FIERI, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square? Have you pulled up one of the 500 seats at Guy's American Kitchen & Bar and ordered a meal? Did you eat the food?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Probably not. Bet Guy's too busy with babes to just sit around eatin' grub all day. Also, he's gotta be workin' hard in the kitchen, like a real macho man. You wouldn't know about that though. Some folks don't get to go out to eat for a living, corncob.

Did it live up to your expectations?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: See the last answer. But I'm sure Guy would say it's on point.

Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: What the crap does that even mean? No one likes a showoff tryin' to be smart with fancy words and playin' mind games, you guys.

When you saw the burger described as "Guy's Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche," did your mind touch the void for a minute?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Bet it did. 'Cause that hamburg sounds off the chain with bold flavors and primo satisfaction. Guy probably went bonkers.

Did you notice that the menu was an unreliable predictor of what actually came to the table? Were the "bourbon butter crunch chips" missing from your Almond Joy cocktail, too? Was your deep-fried "boulder" of ice cream the size of a standard scoop?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Guy could probably tell you weren't all man and couldn't handle the full strength versions or the generous portions, so you got the "jr." servings. You should thank him for the kindness of not makin' you look like a wuss in front of your pals when you couldn't finish your serving.

What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy's Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy's, in any meaningful sense?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: (d) See the last answer, young man. Maybe if you learn to pull up your britches and walk in with mad swag, Guy won't hesitate to sling you an official "Big Bite" style Caes'.

Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are? If you hadn't come up with the recipe yourself, would you ever guess that the shiny tissue of breading that exudes grease onto the plate contains either pretzels or smoked almonds? Did you discern any buttermilk or brine in the white meat, or did you think it tasted like chewy air?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Oh, so sorry it wasn't up to your pretty princess standards. Bet your palate ain't used to eatin' nothin' that don't come served with a side of pink panties. And is "chewy air" a term you learned in reviewer school? Jeez. you're bein' such a stupid load. "Chewy air" isn't a taste, and don't make any sense at all. You need to do more thinkin' with your brain.

Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret -- a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers -- called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Emily Dickinson? Whoa, look at Mr. Writer of the Year tryin' to showboat to the ladies with some sensitive seduction. No one's impressed. No one cares.

When you have a second, Mr. Fieri, would you see what happened to the black bean and roasted squash soup we ordered?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Why don't you check on it yourself, nosey? So lazy. Guy's too busy comin' up with a thousand ideas you wish you could think of in a million years to worry 'bout some soup you probably don't want anyway.

Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Sounds like you can't handle a REAL drink, bad boy style. Just stick to diet root beer and go sit at the kids' table if you're gonna complain, young man. All the grown ups are just fine with the Dubmelon 'Rita, thank you very much.

At your five Johnny Garlic's restaurants in California, if servers arrive with main courses and find that the appetizers haven't been cleared yet, do they try to find space for the new plates next to the dirty ones? Or does that just happen in Times Square, where people are used to crowding?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Nothin' wrong with some piled up dirty dishes. Lets everyone know how much you took down in the eats department. Babes dig a man who can really put it away, you guys.

If a customer shows up with a reservation at one of your two Tex Wasabi's outlets, and the rest of the party has already been seated, does the host say, "Why don't you have a look around and see if you can find them?" and point in the general direction of about 200 seats?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Yeah, like Guy would know. He doesn't work by the door like some hostess gal. Guy's the head chef and CEO. Idiot. He's in the back, runnin' the show. Don't you know how business works?

What is going on at this new restaurant of yours, really?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Bold flavors?!!! Man, you didn't do any research on Guy's 'rant at all? Good luck in the review biz, nutsack.

Has anyone ever told you that your high-wattage passion for no-collar American food makes you television's answer to Calvin Trillin if Mr. Trillin bleached his hair, drove a Camaro and drank Boozy Creamsicles? When you cruise around the country for your show "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives," rasping out slangy odes to the unfancy places where Americans like to get down and greasy, do you really mean it?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Man, you're just makin' word crap outta your backdoor again. And you should watch your mouth when you're talkin' 'bout "Americans." This is the USA, kimosabe. You don't wanna run into somebody like Stone Cold Steve Austin or myself and get your face crushed in behind the scenes. These colors don't run. And who's Calvin Trillin? Some made up guy you use to sound like you have friends? No one's buyin' your imaginary pals, crybaby.

Or is it all an act? Is that why the kind of cooking you celebrate on television is treated with so little respect at Guy's American Kitchen & Bar?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Somebody's sure talkin' a lot of trash for somebody who thinks they're Dr. Expert on "respect."

How, for example, did Rhode Island's supremely unhealthy and awesomely good fried calamari -- dressed with garlic butter and pickled hot peppers -- end up in your restaurant as a plate of pale, unsalted squid rings next to a dish of sweet mayonnaise with a distant rumor of spice?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Nobody asked YOU how to make it, amigo. Guy's doin' things, his own way. When YOU open up a 5 star 'rant in NYC, then YOU can make your fancy Rhode Island grub any way YOU like it, bigshot.

How did Louisiana's blackened, Cajun-spiced treatment turn into the ghostly nubs of unblackened, unspiced white meat in your Cajun Chicken Alfredo?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Alfredo sauce is white. White sauce covers up the black parts. It's pretty much Cookin' 101. You should take some lessons from Guy about how food works before you start tryin' to open your corncob trap about it. Jeez.

How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil? Why not bury those chips under a properly hot and filling layer of melted cheese and jalape�os instead of dribbling them with thin needles of pepperoni and cold gray clots of ground turkey?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: What'd I already say 'bout usin' the word, "American," friend? Gettin' pretty steamed over here.

By the way, would you let our server know that when we asked for chai, he brought us a cup of hot water?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Who orders whatever "chai" is? What a showoff. No one knows what that is anyway. Might only be "hot water?" No one knows for sure. Next time, just order a cold one like a grown man, not some Southern pretty boy livin' the "good life" with his backyard boy pals in hipster trash Ann Arbor. So stupid.

When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Listen buddy, you're the only one around here playin' women's mind games. Sign means what it says. Maybe you should read it again.

Does this make it sound as if everything at Guy's American Kitchen & Bar is inedible? I didn't say that, did I?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: See, women's mind games. Answerin' your own questions with questions? That's some crap my ex-wife Ann would pull all the time. We're not together anymore. Things just didn't work out. She was always bringin' me down. Plus, she was real cold in the carnal passions department. Not by any fault of my own. When it comes to romantic pleasures, I'm built to satisfy, 365, 24/7. Open on Sundays.

Tell me, though, why does your kitchen sabotage even its more appealing main courses with ruinous sides and sauces? Why stifle a pretty good bison meatloaf in a sugary brown glaze with no undertow of acid or spice? Why send a serviceable herb-stuffed rotisserie chicken to the table in the company of your insipid Rice-a-Roni variant?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Look, King Friday, I don't have time to look up whatever you're talkin' about in a thesaurus every five seconds when you decide to act better than everyone with your Shakespeare talk. Sorry the meatloaf and chicken ain't up to the royal standards, your highness.

Why undermine a big fist of slow-roasted pork shank, which might fly in many downtown restaurants if the General Tso's-style sauce were a notch less sweet, with randomly shaped scraps of carrot that combine a tough, nearly raw crunch with the deadened, overcooked taste of school cafeteria vegetables?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: "Doust thou not like the pig flavors from the northeast when melded with the sour sweet natural blessings of veggies from blah, blah, blah." That's you. So stupid. So boring, you guys. So. Boring. What a piece of garbage.

Is this how you roll in Flavor Town?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: This just sounds like some more smart mouth talk. No need for that, young man.

Somewhere within the yawning, three-level interior of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar, is there a long refrigerated tunnel that servers have to pass through to make sure that the French fries, already limp and oil-sogged, are also served cold?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Man, so stupid. Somebody needs to learn how restaurants work. There ain't nosuch thing as "fridge tunnels" in 'rants.

What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you've published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Think you just answered your own question. 'Cause both are equally off the chain, you guys.

And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Is this some sorta joke about donkey peeners? Sorry, Guy's all about class. Keep your weirdo animal desires to yourself, kimosabe.

Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don't eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Whoa. You ok?

Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: You thought a marshmallow tasted like fish? Did you take some hard drugs a few minutes ago? Kinda concerning.

Did you finish that blue drink?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Of course. Anyone down with Guy and the Triple D crew ALWAYS finishes their drink. It's part of a sacred code of honor, you guys. Probably pound 6 or 7 more. Or maybe just have a few Crown & Diets. Who knows?

Oh, and we never got our Vegas fries; would you mind telling the kitchen that we don't need them?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Then why'd you order 'em then?! "Bring my soup, don't bring the fries, do this, do that, wipe my bottom, I'm better than you." Corncob.

Thanks.

A: NO thanks, you piece of trash.

Sincerely, Captain Karl Welzein, President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA

P.S.- I'm kinda lookin' for a job and have extensive skills in the grub biz. If you got any openings, I might be up for movin' to NYC. Hit me up, P-Dubs.

# ? Jan 15, 2016 01:54

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# ? Apr 27, 2024 02:02

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

that's a lot of words that aren't funny.

# ? Jan 15, 2016 01:57

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > At Thomas Kellers, Per Se Slips and Stumbles