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My newest guilty pleasure is vintage smut novels. I have the privilege of living by a store that occasionally sells them. Here are a few (please note the tasteful buttocks in the lower right):  Today I decided to read "The Three Tongues of Sex":  The premise of this book is that the author is an "investigative reporter" who is "trying to search out why young, attractive, well-educated woman gravitate towards older men." To conduct proper research, he pays the maid of some rich old man (named Acerton) to wire-tap his bedroom so that the reporter can make transcripts of the sex the old man has with his young, sexually-insatiable wife. There are two other sex stories intertwined with this main story, making three stories overall. I will only be touching on two of them. Mr. Acerton is quite old, but has a very large eggplant in his pants. His wife, Nala, is 22 ("measurements...36-21-35", as listed in the book) and has a "pronounced addiction to EROTOLALIA" -- so basically she talks dirty a lot. Here are some delightful example of their erotolalia that was recorded by the maid:   There were moments when the erotolalia got a little uncomfortable, clunky, and not-very-PC (check out that last sentence):  Also, due to the nature of this story being in transcript format, the sound effects really stuck out:  Basically, Nala keeps having sex with her rich, old husband (against doctor's orders). It was uncomfortable to read, like someone was abusing a grandpa by yelling at his dick a lot. There is another story in here about this very obese man, also with a humongous dick, who constantly wheezes -- so much so that girls literally ask him, "Must you wheeze so?" He makes all of them orgasm, of course, but instead of using his muscles for sex, he basically just drops his weight into them. It's also noteworthy that he is hideous. The author isn't particularly kind about the phrasing either, describing how girls "liked to prod and poke him like he was some horrid lobster or some other monstrously ugly denizen of the deep that they had caught in their net." He usually makes love with the lights off. It gets a little graphic, so I'll keep it short. He has encounters a woman who is very small, but HE MUST HAVE SEX WITH, despite his elephant walrus appearance. His description of how small she is uses this disturbing phrase:  Oh, and his character keeps a jar of grease around as lube. At first I thought it was food grease, like bacon grease or something, but I think it ended up being some sort of petroleum jelly substance. This obese man, despite a weak body, has a firm mind full of vocabulary that he uses while getting intimate with the ladies:  He's also into "poopy-hole" stuff:  Everyone had sex. The end. The added bonus is at the end, where they advertise other books in the series: 
AWarmBody fucked around with this message at 22:48 on Jan 18, 2016 |
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Jan 18, 2016 22:40
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 04:34 |
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Is this like that guy that found a big box of vintage porn VHS's and magazines?
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Jan 18, 2016 22:44
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There is no phrase in the English language more erotic than "poop-poopee hole."
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Jan 18, 2016 22:46
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NINJA EDIT: Nevermind you changed it.
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Jan 18, 2016 22:48
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Impossible Trial Balloon
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Jan 18, 2016 22:55
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I'm Raoul Hardon irl.
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Jan 18, 2016 23:02
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Have you ever read "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)"? He wrote a sequel called, like, "Every Woman Can" which was about the revolutionary idea women can actually have orgasms, except my takeaway from it was, yes, you can have an orgasm as a woman, but it must be vaginal to count, and if you can't get that to happen via a dude porking you chances are you are fundamentally broken sorta useless as a woman. I could be confusing this with another book, but I don't think I am. Ostensibly they are medical advice books, and I think that guy was actually a doctor maybe, but they share a similar quasi-erotic but actually kinda gross approach to things. The first one had a story about a spinster who stuck bobby pins up her urethra to masturbate because she didn't know which hole was which (as she was a useless virgin). It was very unpleasant to read because I think it hurt her to do it but she didn't know any better. Anyway, read those too!
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Jan 18, 2016 23:05
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Bill Barber posted:I'm Raoul Hardon irl. Thank you for defending my right to do it.
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Jan 18, 2016 23:06
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I've shouted "you've got a nice vagina!" At at least 6 different women in my life and it was well received every time.
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Jan 18, 2016 23:08
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I.C. posted:The first one had a story about a spinster who stuck bobby pins up her urethra to masturbate because she didn't know which hole was which (as she was a useless virgin). It was very unpleasant to read because I think it hurt her to do it but she didn't know any better. Anyway, read those too! Please tell me this other Reuben book you're talking about was also made into a movie starring Woody Allen and Gene Wilder.
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Jan 18, 2016 23:12
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It reads like a Stephen King novel, Slim loving slim jims! because thats chow! because thats chow! because thats chow dee dow.
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Jan 18, 2016 23:52
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Has Gilbert Gottfried read any smut audiobooks?
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Jan 31, 2016 14:56
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amityville anus posted:Has Gilbert Gottfried read any smut audiobooks? i thought he did some 50 shades of gray before, it was pretty drat good
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Jan 31, 2016 15:28
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You're thinking of his Aristocrats joke I want a full length book of smut narrated by him
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Jan 31, 2016 15:30
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Sure, when it is in book form you guys are all about it. Make a thread about your Nazi porn movies and no one cares!
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Jan 31, 2016 15:35
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sex is gross
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Jan 31, 2016 16:33
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 04:34 |
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we know grandma
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Jan 31, 2016 16:51
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