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This is the story of two insatiably horney sisters, each one born to gently caress. The story appears in the 23rd chapter of Ezekiel Oholibah is queen of party girls and is always down for anything you could imagine. She loves to make a game of finding and loving men of all nationalities. If she learns about a country she's never heard of before her first task is to hunt down a fit and attractive piece of rear end from that culture. It's sort of like Beers Around the World: Dicks Around the Known World. Throughout the chapter she gets some Egyptian action and some Babylonian action, and some Assyrian, too. Oholibah is the Ambassador of Getting Some. Whomever she feels like, whenever she feels like, no guilt, shame or apology. Oholibah is also is in the habit of paying tribute to the foreign deities of these men in the post-coital afterglow, probably just to be polite. She ain't tied down to no man, not even a god man. For Oholibah, life is for whatever the gently caress Oholibah wants it to be, subject to change without notice. Oholibah also has a sister, Oholah, and both ladies enjoy the same interests and hobbies. The siblings party and drink and screw their way across the cradle of civilization and back. It would seem they fully support themselves and this high class Camel Set life on simply being an absolute blast to hang around. So of course Yahweh, cosmic buzzkill that He Was, Is and always Will Be loving HATES these girls. The entire story is basically God complaining to his prophet Zeek about these two chicks. God bitches and bitches and bitches about how these pig-whore sisters should be tortured and raped and torn apart and burned and so on and so on for the sin of being awesome, sexy and fun. In one particular verse God actually pauses his stream-of-omnipresence death fantasy and litany of harlotry to complain about how, right this minute, Oholibah is fantasising about some big-dicked Egyptians she used to know and that she is making plans for a return trip so she can get to know them some more. God then goes right back to describing which body parts an angry violent mob would tear from the ladies if such a mob was handy. Unfortunately Oholah has a run in with some rear end in a top hat Assyrians who are only interested in taking a fetid poo poo on an epic example of a life worthwhile. The Assyrians beat and rob and murder her. They also kidnap and sell into slavery the several bastard children she'd accumulated over the years. This poor sex-positive woman's tragic death tickles God silly. God says to the remaining sister Oholibah "Ah ha! See? I told you this "life style" would end badly and deservedly so! You must change your ways and lead the pure and honorable life of a proper woman that only fucks one guy". God starts to get a little worked up imaging all the horrible punishments He'd love to see and continues, "if you do not learn some morals from your sister's brutal yet righteous death, if you do not take warning from the enslavement of your nieces and nephews, now in bondage because their mom was a dirty whore, and if you choose to continue the pursuit of debauchery and depravity, then you will be cursed to suffer the same filthy, shameful pig-dog's fate as your hooker sister. Maybe there'll be a rape or some torture in there this time. I think I'd like that. Maybe being burned alive. That'd be good. And of course, the rending clutches of my angry mob." True to herself and with an eye towards a mortal existence that doesn't suck, Oholibah ignores God's bullshit threats and goes straight back to fulfilling her own wants and needs. She continues living the life she's always had for the rest of her days. All God can do is keep on bitching and issuing impotent curses just like before but the divine punishments He wishes on Oholibah never arrive. The story ends with Oholibah putting on some jewelry and makeup and going out to a drunken orgy. Oholibah should be presented as a role model to young women and girls as an excellent example of self-empowerment and of healthy attitudes towards growing up and loving an astounding number of guys. Maybe all the guys, even you or I. The lesson the story of Oholibah teaches is clear: tell God to gently caress off and do as you please. He ain't going to do poo poo about it anyway.
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Apr 10, 2016 10:20
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"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." -Ezekiel 23:20
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Apr 10, 2016 10:23
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I'm thumping a bibble aagai,st my punic mound rn, vibing over our hoeism or whatever
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Apr 10, 2016 10:27
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And the pitiful pair, having made love, then proceed to hold up their blasphemy to heaven, the woman and the man taking the secretion from the male into their own hands and standing looking up to heaven. They hold the impurity in their hands and pray . . and say "We offer you this gift, the body of Christ." And then they consume it, partaking of their shamefulness, and they say: "This is the body of Christ and this is the Pasch for which our bodies suffer." . . When they fall into a frenzy among themselves, they soil their hands with the shame of their secretion, and rising, with defiled hands pray stark naked, as if through such an action they were able to find a hearing with God. [Epiphanius, Panarion, 26.4-5]
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Apr 10, 2016 11:19
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poo poo, that aint even the most freaky chapter of Ezekiel. check this out: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel+1&version=KJV it's a prophecy on  , pro click
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Apr 10, 2016 11:59
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Rando posted:This is the story of two insatiably horney sisters, each one born to gently caress. The story appears in the 23rd chapter of Ezekiel "cuck" - Me
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Apr 10, 2016 12:27
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as a kid this stuff used to confuse me at sunday school
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Apr 10, 2016 12:32
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Judges 4: 18 Jael went out to meet Sisera and said to him, “Come, my lord, come right in. Don’t be afraid.” So he entered her tent, and she covered him with a blanket. 19 “I’m thirsty,” he said. “Please give me some water.” She opened a skin of milk, gave him a drink, and covered him up. 20 “Stand in the doorway of the tent,” he told her. “If someone comes by and asks you, ‘Is anyone in there?’ say ‘No.’” 21 But Jael, Heber’s wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted. She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died. The Residents made a song about it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SQVmyO2-9JA
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Apr 10, 2016 12:44
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ijust kicked ur rear end -Austin 3:16
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Apr 10, 2016 12:51
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There's also the story of two young women forced to flee from their home town. They went and lived with their father in a cave and, finding no nearby men, wanted to gently caress their dad. Deciding there was no time like the present, they got him poo poo faced drunk two nights in a row and took turns sexing him up. The Holiest of Books posted:Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to give us children—as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.” https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+19:30-36 Please note how the man is not aware of anything, so it's not like he can be blamed.
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Apr 10, 2016 12:53
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brylcreem posted:
That was his story and he stuck to it.
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Apr 10, 2016 13:12
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If this was the kind of stuff people would bring up about the Bible I'd probably be a Christian right now.
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Apr 10, 2016 13:19
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H.H posted:poo poo, that aint even the most freaky chapter of Ezekiel. check this out: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel+1&version=KJV  so did that already come to pass or shall it?
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Apr 10, 2016 13:34
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Mega64 posted:If this was the kind of stuff people would bring up about the Bible I'd probably be a Christian right now. commie flanders had posted before about eccleiastes
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Apr 10, 2016 13:37
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I bet before the Internet and photography you could pull off some crazy poo poo and really gently caress with people if you wore the right costumes. Like you know the people had only seen a small portion of the world, you could really gently caress with their heads real easy like.
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Apr 10, 2016 13:42
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Keep Autism Wired posted:
depends on your definition of "come to pass", I guess. interpretations of this passage greatly vary, but some consider it a vision of the divine entity, which probably exists outside time, I guess. anyone can immediately see the problem with this, since it anthropomorphizes that which should remain completely abstract, at least as far as the old testament canonisers were concerned. in fact, a jewish law says that it cannot be studied in groups, only individually - to avoid situations where people not versed enough in other biblical texts come to the wrong conclusions about it. a whole literary genre sprang up around it that has some really freaky poo poo, stuff that would make a modern fantasy writer blush.
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Apr 10, 2016 13:51
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H.H posted:poo poo, that aint even the most freaky chapter of Ezekiel. check this out: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel+1&version=KJV My favourite part is when he makes Zeke cook his food using poo poo.
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Apr 10, 2016 13:58
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Religion of peace
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Apr 10, 2016 14:43
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got any pics?
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Apr 10, 2016 15:31
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Growing up Catholic was weird I guess but around 9 or 10 both of my parents were like lol this poo poo is dumb, because it was and is
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Apr 10, 2016 19:42
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Rando posted:Oholibah should be presented as a role model to young women and girls as an excellent example of self-empowerment and of healthy attitudes towards growing up and loving an astounding number of guys. Maybe all the guys, even you or I. 
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Apr 10, 2016 20:03
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I CANNOT EJACULATE WITHOUT SEEING NATIVE AMERICANS BRUTALISED!
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SLICK GOKU BABY posted:I bet before the Internet and photography you could pull off some crazy poo poo and really gently caress with people if you wore the right costumes. Like you know the people had only seen a small portion of the world, you could really gently caress with their heads real easy like. yeah people were fuckin stupid back then
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Apr 10, 2016 20:14
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fun fact There is a pun in these names in the Hebrew. Oholah means "her tent", and Oholibah means "my tent is in her"
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Apr 10, 2016 20:14
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brylcreem posted:There's also the story of two young women forced to flee from their home town. They went and lived with their father in a cave and, finding no nearby men, wanted to gently caress their dad. please do not blame the victims of incestuous rape.
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Apr 10, 2016 20:20
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wtf is your problem god why not just make everyone awesome obladiah or whatever instead of most of the world suffering in pig poo poo and looking on enviously this is loving horrible
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Apr 10, 2016 20:26
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God is kind of a dick in the bible.
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Apr 10, 2016 20:36
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rio posted:God is kind of a dick in the bible. As if any omnipotent and omnipresent being wouldn't be. God (heh) forbid any human being has god powers because we'd be hosed.
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Apr 10, 2016 20:43
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Keep Autism Wired posted:
Prophets in the Hebrew Bible mostly talk about things that would, or could, happen in the immediate future -- things that had already happened from the perspective of the people telling and writing the stories. Absolute Lithops fucked around with this message at 21:21 on Apr 10, 2016 |
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Apr 10, 2016 20:43
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rio posted:God is kind of a dick in the bible. God used to be a huge dick. The devil got tired of it and cut out God's tongue, then cut off his arms and legs. Now god lays on the floor in heaven able to watch and listen to us live better lives but can't do anything to gently caress it up.
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Apr 10, 2016 20:43
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These stories are all from the Old Testament and are allegories that present the moral challenges people faced surviving in the mad max hellscape life mostly was back then while still attempting to somewhat be good people, and it is presented completely honestly with lots of "this situation seems wrong yet I feel conflicted and irrationally angry and maybe don't know what I'm doing even" which is like, admirable Once Jesus shows up in the New Testament the right/wrong good/bad gets much more clearly separated and understandable, one of the reasons Christianity took off so successfully
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Apr 10, 2016 20:45
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Actually for most stories in the Hebrew Bible we don't know which ones were supposed to be taken as allegory, as literally true history, or what. Probably the way a lot of stories were "meant" to be viewed changed over time. e: In any event, the Hebrew Bible is about fallible people who don't set perfect examples. Plus, the stories developed over the course of 1000+ years and reflect shifting (and competing) ethics, mores, and theologies. One part says that Hebrews shouldn't marry Moabites. In another, Ruth the Moabite marries a Hebrew and King David is among her descendants. It's all over the place and, as you might guess, the newer parts make more sense to us than the older parts do. IMO it's fascinating that all these different points of view were preserved and canonized. Absolute Lithops fucked around with this message at 21:04 on Apr 10, 2016 |
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Apr 10, 2016 20:52
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Stories in the old testament are like dry art house films in black and white with no obvious good or bad guy and the sense of frustration and intellectual rigor are their main goal you're supposed to go sip coffee and think about it The new Testament are like big budget reboots with a better looking big name cast and a cgi explosions and Jesus is in HD®©
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Apr 10, 2016 20:54
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H.H posted:depends on your definition of "come to pass", I guess. interpretations of this passage greatly vary, but some consider it a vision of the divine entity, which probably exists outside time, I guess. this is realtalk interesting thank you
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Apr 10, 2016 21:17
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i did a youtube search and found this guy who sounds chill and knows what he's talking about going through the old testament https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nxNejt0uB8 pretty heavy stuff if you're into that
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Apr 10, 2016 21:19
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Rando posted:This is the story of two insatiably horney sisters, each one born to gently caress. The story appears in the 23rd chapter of Ezekiel same
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Apr 10, 2016 21:48
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God is a weak rear end bitch, and can't even win a wrestling match with a regular guy without using his power to cheat. Goku would mop the floor with this guy https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2032:24-30 God posted:
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Apr 10, 2016 23:51
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Yo I got the new Bible Bangers 7 on VHS last week
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Apr 11, 2016 00:01
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Mr. Unlucky posted:wtf is your problem god why not just make everyone awesome obladiah or whatever instead of most of the world suffering in pig poo poo and looking on enviously this is loving horrible It is our responsibility, as humans, to make the world awesome. Hth
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Apr 11, 2016 00:26
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anyone ever just go to the library and move books of the bible to the "fantasy" section? lol
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Apr 11, 2016 01:40
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AugmentedVision posted:anyone ever just go to the library and move books of the bible to the "fantasy" section? lol Erotica.
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Apr 11, 2016 01:55
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