PYF Jokes: really worked up about potatoes

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF Jokes: really worked up about potatoes

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

trapped mouse posted:

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers. No one knows.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Don't listen to these idiots, it's perfect

# ¿ Feb 15, 2017 03:20

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# ¿ May 3, 2024 20:16

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Al Cu Ad Solte posted:

�Guys, I think I hosed up.�

loving

e: I have now caught up on the last page full of people agreeing it's loving :laffo:

and every time somebody mentions it I start snickering again

LITERALLY A BIRD has a new favorite as of 18:47 on Aug 13, 2017

# ¿ Aug 13, 2017 18:36

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

BrianBoitano posted:

What's Shrek's favorite Bible verse?

Psalm body once told me!

I like it.

Meanwhile, in the Stuff You Can't Believe You Just Figured Out Thread

syscall girl posted:

What kind of meat does a priest eat on Fridays?

Ferrule posted:

nun.

# ¿ Aug 24, 2017 00:53

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Roro posted:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
DOYOUHAVEAMINUTETOTALKABOUTOURLORDANDSAVIORJESUSCHRIST

Dave Syndrome posted:

DOYOUHAVEAMINUTETOTALKABOUTOURLORDANDSAVIORJESUSCHRIST who?

Roro posted:

I... I've never gotten this far before.

I love this thread. I let the posts build up and then I read it on a cruddy day. :3:

Bonus props to

Mr. Bad Guy posted:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Some interrupting Smash Mouth.

Some-

BODY ONCE TOLD ME

# ¿ Sep 4, 2017 05:25

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

oh my god you are all the worst

# ¿ Dec 2, 2017 04:19

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

I did not say that :mad:

# ¿ Dec 2, 2017 05:15

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Outrail posted:

Hah

......

Oh. Oh nice.

# ¿ Aug 4, 2019 21:31

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Target Practice posted:

I love jokes like this, but I feel maybe this works better as something like:

"My wife said that I had to act like a flamingo. I wasn't having it, so I put my foot down."

Maybe lead with something about the wife being into weird stuff and she's suggesting it for sex? I dunno.

what? no.

# ¿ Aug 30, 2019 23:42

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Evilreaver posted:

Spent the last two days in the hospital and burned through the whole thread, as thanks here's the best joke in the thread from [checks the date] three years ago apparently?

I started laughing like two words in because I remembered it instantly and it is indeed 10000% the best joke in the thread

# ¿ Jan 16, 2020 01:52

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

3D Megadoodoo posted:

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a number two pencil.

A little punchier?

# ¿ Jan 12, 2021 21:47

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

number two liner, got it.

# ¿ Jan 12, 2021 23:58

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Joke telling is not really my strong suit, I just wanted to participate :buddy:

# ¿ Jan 13, 2021 02:46

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Phy posted:

I used to torment my wife with puns.

One day we were at the zoo, and at the gift shop I bought this little plastic toy of a blue-tongued lizard. I took it home and glued a couple of magnets to the bottom, and stuck it to the fridge.

I guess she saw what was coming, and she'd had enough, because when I came home from work the next day, she was gone and the house was almost entirely empty except for the appliances. And one lizard fridge magnet.

That's right, she took everything but the kitchen skink.

freeedr posted:

I�m glad you got divorced

also

# ¿ Jun 20, 2021 04:30

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

ikanreed posted:

I see a psychic every week. I normally see her in person, and every week she has me spill black tea leaves to give me a reading with astonishing accuracy about the coming week.

Well I was traveling this week and decided to do my reading by text. I got all the tea I could from the hotel scattered it across my room and sent her a picture.

A few seconds later I got a message back

oolong, didn't read

Don't hold that against her, by the way. Most people learn their tasseography on black tea leaves. Recently some folks are expanding into green and white leaves too, but generally speaking, oolong is still a novel tea.

# ¿ Feb 26, 2024 17:11

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# ¿ May 3, 2024 20:16

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Al Cu Ad Solte posted:

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms �You have finally freed me after all these years, so I�ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.� The first guy immediately blurts out �I want a billion dollars.� POOF, he�s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,000

The second man thinks for a bit, then says �I want to be the richest man alive.� POOF, he�s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says �I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.� POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it�s time for their second wish. First guy says: �I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.� POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says �I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.� POOF, his looks change and the first guy�s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says �I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.� POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says �I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.� POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don�t bother him any more.

Second guy says �I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.� POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says �My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.� POOF, he�s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: �I�ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I�ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.� Second guy smiles and says �Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I�m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven�t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.�

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

�Guys, I think I hosed up.�

I remembered this post yesterday and now you all remember it too

# ¿ May 2, 2024 15:33

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