H.H posted:

Fonzarelli posted:

don't know why all these sad confessions are here, i just wanna get beefy, bitch

rezatahs posted:

man this thread was clearly taking off before la showed up to shutdown another red hot confession thread

Putty posted:

i don't think a single parent has ever had to do The Talk ever since the invention of the internet

SciFiDownBeat posted:

was your dad a birdwatcher

H.H posted:

CJacobs posted:

that top one didn't happen

CJacobs posted:

Hell yeah I had LOTS of The Sex that night! my penis never stopped being hard ever

Hopper posted:

Here's an idea. I can understand her not wanting to be pregnant on holiday, it makes eating and drinking a bit complicated.
How about next time you use a condom? The sex will be great as you get to act out your primal instinct yet she won't become pregnant. If the condom breaks, well then that's that, but you want a. Child anyway.
And the best thing is you get to do this primal stuff repeatedly until after your vacation.
I'd consider it, might be quite the experience to go all caveman in the bedroom repeatedly.

Hedrigall posted:

"Walla"? You've never seen that word written down, have you?

Hopper posted:

Of course a goon who never had sex would assume this myth about condoms is true.

Jose posted:

if you were really in the NFL you'd be rich as gently caress and could pay doctors to fix all that poo poo

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

I have a confession: I don't understand why people can't just say 'million'; instead they have to insert 'cool' in front of it almost every time. This happens more often than you'd think, and now you might notice it a lot more

Nation posted:

*voila

jfc

beedeebee posted:

Read the pyf life hacks thread

H.H posted:

A friend of mine and I recently had our wildly different schedules align with a week of PTO. I had not seen him in about two years, and we fell out of regular contact about a year before that (he moved, and i started working graveyard shifts). Needless to say it was good to see him, as we were very close friends once upon a time.

The trip went well once I got coaxed out of my usual introverted self. Smoked a few bowls, drank a bit, ate good food, even impulsively took a trip somewhere neither of us had been before. I had genuinely been enjoying myself, for the most part.

Except...

I have a crush on him. Have since we both discovered we were in to guys way back when. It's only gotten worse as time goes on. He's a lot of things I'm not, and there's a part of me that says we could work out, even though we live far apart. He says I can always be honest with him, and he can be honest with me. But I can't work up the courage to tell him. I made a relationship out of a friendship befofe, and everything went up in smoke after a month. Threw me in to depression for half a year and it still lingers in the back of my head to this day. I worry if I pull the trigger, the same thing will happen...even though I know better.

I did work up enough courage to drunk text him and say I thought he was very cute once I was well and on my way home. He thanked me for being honest about my feelings. Haven't talked about it since, though.

The next time we see one another will probably be in the spring...but I don't know if I can wait that long. I want to see him again before the end of the year and just tell him in person. Maybe it would work out. Maybe not. But I won't know until I ask...right?

H.H posted:

I like to go on hunting trips a lot. Just me, my rifle, and the woods. I love it.

I had a favorite place to go, because there was never anyone else up there. I could camp out, hike, and hunt for a week and never see any signs of other humans. It's a rare thing to find a place like that in North America these days, and I really cherished it.

I had taken a week off from work and gone out and set up camp, when for the first time I saw other people in my woods. It was on my second day out there that I found a beer bottle on the ground, and saw a trail left by them, and I followed it. They had set up camp next to a creek, looked to me like a bunch of teenagers. Loud ones, playing bad music and drinking bad beer. Not the kind of person I would willingly allow in my woods.

Needless to say, I resolved to Scooby Doo the poo poo out of them. I read a lot of /k/, and there's a kind of running joke about "skinwalkers", where people make up stories about these things that kind of look like bad imitations of men, and I figured I'd pretend to be one of them. My first inclination was to pretend to be a bigfoot but bigfoots are too well known and not particularly scary anyway so skinwalking was what I settled on.

So I go back to my camp and leave all my poo poo there. I strip down nude(it was summer, thankfully) except for my sheath with my hunting knife in it, and I roll around in the mud and get all kinds of filthy. Then I creep back over to the enemy camp and I observe(and I bring a little surprise for them for later). It's dark by now, and they've put up their tents and poo poo and gotten a half-assed fire pit going. I say half-assed, loving Smokey would have poo poo himself with rage, that thing loving sucked. It only strengthened my resolve to get these fuckos out of my woods before they burnt it down. I spend an hour or so just listening, and memorizing a couple of things they said so I can repeat them when I get down to proper skinwalking. By this time they've gotten sleepy, and a most of them decide to go in for the night.

This is when I start it. I put on the croakiest, weirdest sounding voice I can manage, and start shouting back phrases that they said earlier in the night. The ones that are still up are confused at first, then they get annoyed. At first I think I hosed it up, and they know I'm just some douchebag calling out weird poo poo in the woods, but then I recognize the opportunity. I keep it up, and call more frequently, and eventually the two guys that are still up come plodding into the trees to try and find me.

I avoid them, which isn't too hard because they're a bit drunk and stupid besides, and I deploy my surprise. The head of a wild hog I'd managed to bring down the previous day, dropped right in the middle of their fire pit. Smokey would have been proud, I think, because I can't stress to you how lovely that firepit was. Holy gently caress, they'd put like 2 rocks on either side of it and dug down like an inch. It was surrounded with dry summer grass, too. loving hell.

Anyway, I had honestly expected that I would have had to do more work, and I had some other stuff planned, but as soon as they came back and saw the hog head they pretty much poo poo themselves. They went around yelling and woke everyone up and they had their poo poo packed and out of there that night. To be honest I don't actually know where they went, this place was pretty secluded and there weren't any roads nearby or anything. They didn't strike me as being experienced so they may very well have just bumbled off into the woods and been eaten by bears. I wouldn't feel bad if that were the case because they were liable to have set themselves on fire had I not chased them off. I never saw them again, anyway.

H.H posted:

me again!! i don't owe a payday loan service anymore; i'm just 3 months overdue on rent!! hahahahaha

i thought i lost my keys last night and cried till some nice girl let me into my apt complex

a homeless former crack addict wants to gently caress me but he won't

tomorrow some Big Dick Chad that all my friends call the "italian stallion" is going to bang me sober and it'll be great. i'm about to take on a job as some guy's exec assistant/bang maid. y'all pussies are whining about yr resumes while i bulk mine up getting hosed by someone more ~alpha~ than you and i'm crying

H.H posted:

I'm the goon from the last thread that was feeling suicidal because I didn't expose my cousin after he raped me and he went on to predate my baby brother.

I got the therapy the thread suggested and have had a frank talk with little brother and we are cool.

However, I also told my wife and ever since she doesn't trust me with our girls. It is subtle but it all came to a head tonight when some babysitting plans fell through and there was going to be an hour where our girls and one other was going to be alone with me and she wanted to cancel and we argued and she said 'no mother could ever trust you with her kids'

At which point I smacked the poo poo out of her with my spatula (I was in the middle of cooking dinner)

So, she's packing up the kids and heading to her mom's house and is completely denying saying that.

I assume my life is over and all that is left is to take down that loving cousin with me, even if he is a loving cop.

H.H posted:

I checked the original confession. If you read this one carefully, you'll also understand it: he knew his cousin was doing the same to his little brother but didn't report it. That's why his wife doesn't trust him around their kids.
I'm not excusing her or taking sides in the matter, just my understanding of the facts.

-S- posted:

you look at the toilet paper you dumb poo poo. you dont wipe through between your legs, you go in from the side. goddamn you're an idiot how did you fuckers never learn how to wipe???

loquacius posted:

Bad job reference goon, are you sabotaging this guy on purpose or is this an "aw shucks I'm just telling them the truth" kind of thing, because if it's the latter you should probably give him the "list someone else as a reference" pointer at some point

KomodoWagon posted:

Job reference dude is a legit terrible person who should probably kill himself.

loquacius posted:

I have never cared about 9/11 or the Twin Towers.

I only vaguely remember when it happened because I was sitting in class and the teacher brought out a radio and I was surprised we interrupted class to listen to a radio of all things. I had never heard of the towers before and, for many days, I thought the whole thing was just some minor incident.

While I don't care much about the event, I do care a lot that some terrorists get the honor of "defining an era" or something stupid like that, and we get all these new "security" things and a bunch of new wars.

And why do we "never forget" Pearl Harbor and 9/11, but tragedies like say Katrina or the March of Tears is presumably fine to? What am I supposed to do with this or that memory, but not the others?

I typed out some more stuff, but then it became less of a confession and more of an opinion piece or something.

I probably just got added to some list somewhere...

loquacius posted:

I'm stalking my ex-girlfriend. We broke up 2 years ago and I'm slowly integrating myself back into her life, hopefully leading to rekindling our relationship.

It started innocently enough - we both go to the same gym. I bumped into her one day, we started talking. Very casual conversation, just some catching up.

But I made sure to note the time. I've made it a habit to go to the gym at that same time every few days, hoping to run into her. More often than not, I do.

We started talking more about how our lives have gone since breaking up. She shared with me that she was single, had been since we broke up, and that she had a new apartment.

One day I waited in the parking lot of the gym until she left. I followed behind her (leaving a few car lengths) to find her apartment. I very carefully watched to see what room she lived in - it was easy, I just watched the window that a light came on in, then went into the building and counted over to find it. Apartment 2F, which is basically fate because my apartment is 3L.

I work for a cable installation company, and oh boy, is it easy to get into an apartment when nobody is there. One day I'll let her know I still love her, but for now, just loving her from afar and talking with her at the gym is fine.

Vogler posted:

How can you barely have enough for a warm meal if you work as a prostitute

the prices I've been quoted were all super-high

Profondo Rosso posted:

how the gently caress u get 100 in pure profit for 15 minutes of dick suckin and struggle to afford 5 dollar pizza. poo poo dont add up

bradzilla posted:

Crack, meth and heroin aren't free.

H.H posted:

quote:

I failed a drug test at work. We get random unannounced drug screenings, they called me in as I was about to clock out, and I failed. Presumably it was the weed I routinely smoked, but it may have been from the massive amount of uppers I took that past weekend.

My boss told me I was a good employee and he'd let the failure slide if I let him have sex with me. I was a virgin at that point but was so scared of losing my job and becoming homeless that I let him do it.

I lost my virginity to my much older boss in exchange for a job that just pays above minimum wage. A guy asked me out at the bar this weekend and I flashed back to the sex and freaked out, then told him I was gay and wasn't interested.

I still think I did what I had to do, though.

H.H posted:

quote:

When I first started looking at porn in middle school I would be weirdly focused on looking at the guy's penis. Sorta like when you see someone without a leg or whatever you just can't look away. Anyway I started to worry I was gay so one day I looked up some gay porn just to check. It took me about .2 seconds of utter repulsion to figure out I wasn't gay and that was that.

H.H posted:

I have been a member of SA since 2006 and have never made one post.

H.H posted:

Daughter of Pissbitch here again. I decidedt o take the halfway decent advice from this thread and tried talking to my fiance about my recent fantasies. I decided to leave the piss part out though, and just told him that part of the reason i had been so withdrawn lately is because I had suddenly found myself being attracterd to another woman. He did not take this well, I think that I offended his masculintiy or something like that. He stormed out of the apartment and hasn't come back yet, it's been a few hours.

Thanks thread.

wyntyr posted:

Thread delivers

H.H posted:

pissbitch