Ben Franklin was a proto-goon and wrote about farts and women

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Ben Franklin was a proto-goon and wrote about farts and women

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Ben Franklin decided to write an academic paper about farting during his stays in Europe because he got mad at how posh Europeans are. He also goes into grand detail of what certain farts smell like and how to influence them and also some ideas on turning farts into lovely perfumes instead of psuedo bioweapons. Also piss.

http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/to-the-royal-academy-of-farting/

quote:

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these Considerations. That we already have some Knowledge of Means capable of Varying that Smell.
He that dines on stale Flesh, especially with much Addition of Onions, shall be able to afford a Stink that no Company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some Time on Vegetables only, shall have that Breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate Noses; and if he can manage so as to avoid the Report, he may any where give Vent to his Griefs, unnoticed.
But as there are many to whom an entire Vegetable Diet would be inconvenient, and as a little Quick-Lime thrown into a Jakes will correct the amazing Quantity of fetid Air arising from the vast Mass of putrid Matter contain�d in such Places, and render it rather pleasing to the Smell, who knows but that a little Powder of Lime (or some other thing equivalent) taken in our Food, or perhaps a Glass of Limewater drank at Dinner, may have the same Effect on the Air produc�d in and issuing from our Bowels?
This is worth the Experiment. Certain it is also that we have the Power of changing by slight Means the Smell of another Discharge, that of our Water.
A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shall give our Urine a disagreable Odour; and a Pill of Turpentine no bigger than a Pea, shall bestow on it the pleasing Smell of Violets. And why should it be thought more impossible in Nature, to find Means of making a Perfume of our Wind than of our Water?

Why stop there? Have Ben Franklin's letter about sex and romance!

quote:

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

i. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding2 only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

It is comforting to know even the founding fathers of the United States shitposted.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:24

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 06:04

SIDS Vicious: Jan 1, 1970

cool

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:27

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

EorayMel posted:

Ben Franklin decided to write an academic paper about farting during his stays in Europe because he got mad at how posh Europeans are. He also goes into grand detail of what certain farts smell like and how to influence them and also some ideas on turning farts into lovely perfumes instead of psuedo bioweapons. Also piss.

http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/to-the-royal-academy-of-farting/

Why stop there? Have Ben Franklin's letter about sex and romance!

It is comforting to know even the founding fathers of the United States shitposted.

hmm

kinda makes u think

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:27

Friginator: May 13, 2014; by zen death robot

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:27

Friginator: May 13, 2014; by zen death robot

No, seriously--James Joyce's letters are loving VILE. This one is my favorite:

James Joyce posted:

To NORA
Dublin 8 December 1909
My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being hosed arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I hosed you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest loving I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, loving in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every gently caress I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger gently caress than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I hosed them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to gently caress a farting woman when every gently caress drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your oval office, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a whore's glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover's fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling's oval office. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your oval office is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.

Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.

JIM

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:31

Rutibex: Sep 9, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

Friginator posted:

No, seriously--James Joyce's letters are loving VILE. This one is my favorite:

fart with lust lol wtf dude

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:35

VendaGoat: Nov 1, 2005

I crushed mad puss on the reg, in far greater quantities than thou. Suckle Upon My Damned Balls.
\

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:41

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

lol joyce owns. i mean like, his books suck, but his letters are pretty cool

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:44

NutritiousSnack: Jul 12, 2011

Ben Franklin had tons and tons of sex, so lmao at him resembling a goon

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:44

Haier: Aug 10, 2007; by Lowtax

I read his autobiography and he was really witty and had a great sense of humor and his life owned. He didn't take too many things seriously but accomplished a ton and his life is pretty amazing. Definitely not a goon, because he would think we were all lazy garbage for posting here for years.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:44

VendaGoat: Nov 1, 2005

Haier posted:

I read his autobiography and he was really witty and had a great sense of humor and his life owned. He didn't take too many things seriously but accomplished a ton and his life is pretty amazing. Definitely not a goon, because he would think we were all lazy garbage for posting here for years.

Dude, even Ben made time to drink....

A lot of time.

A LOOOOOOOOOOOT OF TIME!

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:45

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

dad j, so what
\

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:47

ElectricSheep: Jan 14, 2006; she had tiny Italian boobs.
Well that's my story.

Friginator posted:

No, seriously--James Joyce's letters are loving VILE. This one is my favorite:

"JIM"

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:52

Vargatron: Apr 19, 2008; MRAZZLE DAZZLE

What was with BF capitalizing every noun? Makes it sound like he's saying some heavy poo poo irl.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:54

glowstick party tonight: Oct 4, 2003; by zen death robot

Vargatron posted:

What was with BF capitalizing every noun? Makes it sound like he's saying some heavy poo poo irl.

He was the OG Sovereign Citizen

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:55

Haier: Aug 10, 2007; by Lowtax

Vargatron posted:

What was with BF capitalizing every noun? Makes it sound like he's saying some heavy poo poo irl.

Maybe someone else can answer, but Germans do this as a whole and maybe some English writers thought we should do it too.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 06:35

Deki: May 12, 2008; It's Hammer Time!

Ben Franklin crushed so much french pussy that they lent us soldiers and part of their navy in our war for independence. Not very goony at all.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 06:55

I. M. Gei: Jun 26, 2005; CHIEFS

BITCH

Vargatron posted:

What was with BF capitalizing every noun? Makes it sound like he's saying some heavy poo poo irl.

The German language does this. Maybe Franklin carried it over into English too for some reason.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 07:09

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

franklin bragged about how much french pussy he crushed, but contemporary sources said everyone treated him like a kindly old grandpa. kind of hard to get any goonier than that.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 07:30

Cnut the Great: Mar 30, 2014

Nooner posted:

lol joyce owns. i mean like, his books suck, but his letters are pretty cool

we read james joyce in high school and i told everyone in the class that they should google his love letters to nora and everyone did and then the teacher got really uncomfortable for the whole rest of the unit because everyone kept making veiled jokes about his fart fetish

# ? Aug 3, 2016 07:32

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

B. Franklin: "yo I like to smash that granny puss because most of them geezers is only old in the face, not the waist son" :smuggo:

# ? Aug 3, 2016 07:43

Alan Smithee: Jan 4, 2005; A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms.

Enthusiasms, enthusiasms...

Cnut the Great posted:

we read james joyce in high school and i told everyone in the class that they should google his love letters to nora and everyone did and then the teacher got really uncomfortable for the whole rest of the unit because everyone kept making veiled jokes about his fart fetish

lol lets be high school friends

# ? Aug 3, 2016 07:46

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 06:04

shelley: Nov 8, 2010

when Ben Franklin was in his early twenties he went over to London and worked at a printing press

his coworkers drank so hard they

1, customarily took Mondays off to sleep off their hangovers
2, hazed the hell out of new guys to make them pay up some beer money for the group

said coworkers hazed Franklin so hard that a change of job in the shop didn't stop them, he went to the boss who did nothing, and he eventually gave up and paid the money

oh also he smugged about how they were all weak and hungover from drinking beer constantly, but he was super buff and swole from eating healthy and drinking lots of water

I couldn't make this up, it's in his autobiography :allears:

Edit:

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

The German language does this. Maybe Franklin carried it over into English too for some reason.

it was a whole fad in the 18th century, and afaik it was solely so that it looked fancier when handwritten out

it looks pretty impressive in the nice old-fashioned script, I guess

shelley fucked around with this message at 08:47 on Aug 3, 2016

# ? Aug 3, 2016 08:43

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Ben Franklin was a proto-goon and wrote about farts and women