Florida man should be some kind of superhero/villain

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Florida man should be some kind of superhero/villain

Grand Prize Winner: Feb 19, 2007

I mean, think about it. He gets up to some crazy poo poo. His superpower is that he can do anything while on meth, but his weakness is that nothing he does while on meth makes sense and if he runs out of meth he'll die.

Florida Man has to go to the DMV to renew his license, but before he does he hits up his dealer. Only his dealer got stabbed yesterday so he's in the hospital. Poor fucker's seriously jonesing now so he hits up the alternate dealer, not so good because he puts bleach on his ice sometimes and tends to overcharge. Florida man rips it down then cut to four hours later and he's managed to attach a pelican to a flagpole and is trying to hoist it up when the cops arrive. He tosses an original Faberg� egg at them, thinking it's a hand grenade.

And sure, he gets arrested, but here's the thing. Florida Man can never be behind bars. Florida Man possesses some other poor dude and that dude is now Florida Man.

gently caress, this was supposed to be a low-effort OP shitpost, sorry folks

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:22

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 26, 2024 13:47

Grand Prize Winner: Feb 19, 2007

you suck

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:22

EVIL NOONER: Oct 8, 2016; by exmarx

i dont think you've ever really won a grand prize tbh

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:26

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

Good OP, OP. I am voting it 2 accordingly.

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:28

EVIL NOONER: Oct 8, 2016; by exmarx

Kuato posted:

Good OP, OP. I am voting it 2 accordingly.

good idea, same

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:28

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

AFTER 1000 YEARS IM FREE
IT IS TIME TO CONQUER FLORIDA

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:35

Grand Prize Winner: Feb 19, 2007

EVIL NOONER posted:

i dont think you've ever really won a grand prize tbh

I won a namechange

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:43

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

Grand Prize Winner posted:

I won a namechange

Who was you before?

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:44

EVIL NOONER: Oct 8, 2016; by exmarx

Grand Prize Winner posted:

I won a namechange

after this thread you should consider another one

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:44

Grand Prize Winner: Feb 19, 2007

Kuato posted:

Who was you before?

lowtax

# ? Oct 25, 2016 08:58

EVIL NOONER: Oct 8, 2016; by exmarx

Grand Prize Winner posted:

lowtax

Omg quick vote this hilarious thread a 5!

Greetings m'lowtax!!!

# ? Oct 25, 2016 09:09

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

EVIL NOONER posted:

Omg quick vote this hilarious thread a 5!

Greetings m'lowtax!!!

I am pushing this up to a 3 now. The score going up or down is predicated on whatever OP does next. This is a very pivotal time in his posting career.

# ? Oct 25, 2016 09:16

Han Solomon: Mar 7, 2015; BOUND
AND
GAGGED

how does florida man breed with no florida woman

# ? Oct 25, 2016 09:19

EVIL NOONER: Oct 8, 2016; by exmarx

Han Solomon posted:

how does florida man breed with no florida woman

i assume it involves manatees or alligators somehow

:stonk:

# ? Oct 25, 2016 09:20

Grand Prize Winner: Feb 19, 2007

Kuato posted:

I am pushing this up to a 3 now. The score going up or down is predicated on whatever OP does next. This is a very pivotal time in his posting career.

gonna rub dog feces all over my chest and then have a wank, tia

# ? Oct 25, 2016 09:44

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

Grand Prize Winner posted:

gonna rub dog feces all over my chest and then have a wank, tia

# ? Oct 25, 2016 10:10

Mega64: May 23, 2008; I took the octopath less travelered,

And it made one-eighth the difference.

This thread is an emotional rollercoaster.

# ? Oct 25, 2016 10:32

scuba school sucks: Aug 30, 2012; The brilliance of my posting illuminates the forums like a jar of shining gold when all around is dark

Han Solomon posted:

how does florida man breed with no florida woman

You know those signs that say "Do Not Molest The Alligators"? Those aren't just hypothetical.

# ? Oct 25, 2016 12:10

Radical and BADical!: Jun 27, 2010; by Lowtax; Fun Shoe

PBSO: Drunk woman tells Hispanic deputies Trump will deport them

CANAL POINT
A 28-year-old woman whose breath smelled like �a fruity alcoholic beverage� and who was covered in dried blood didn�t want any help from two Palm Beach County sheriff�s deputies with Hispanic surnames.

Courtney Cole told them Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump was going to �deport all of us� and that she �needed an American to assist her,� the deputies wrote in the arrest report.

Courtney Cole, who faces charges of disorderly intoxication and resisting an officer without violence, was released from the Palm Beach County jail on $2,000 bail Saturday.

On Friday evening, deputies were dispatched to Canal Point where a woman had called 911 and hung up. The woman, identifed as Cole, was walking along Gator Boulevard at about 9 p.m. when deputies stopped her.

Cole, who had dried blood all over her body, said she had called 911 and waited for hours but then yelled that she didn�t need any help. She told the deputy she had been drinking a few beers and got into an argument with a sister-in-law of the man whose house she was at. She said the man grabbed her, but didn�t go into further details.

The woman refused any help and walked into the roadway, causing cars to stop so one of the deputies grabbed her and attempted to put her in handcuffs. She was taken to Lakeside Medical Center in Belle Glade for evaluation before being taken to jail, the arrest report said.

Edit: lol Florida man Suing Orlando After Cops Mistake Doughnut Glaze For Meth

Radical and BADical! fucked around with this message at 12:36 on Oct 25, 2016

# ? Oct 25, 2016 12:28

Rivethead: Feb 22, 2008

Radical and BADical! posted:

PBSO: Drunk woman tells Hispanic deputies Trump will deport them

CANAL POINT
A 28-year-old woman whose breath smelled like �a fruity alcoholic beverage� and who was covered in dried blood didn�t want any help from two Palm Beach County sheriff�s deputies with Hispanic surnames.

Courtney Cole told them Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump was going to �deport all of us� and that she �needed an American to assist her,� the deputies wrote in the arrest report.

Courtney Cole, who faces charges of disorderly intoxication and resisting an officer without violence, was released from the Palm Beach County jail on $2,000 bail Saturday.

On Friday evening, deputies were dispatched to Canal Point where a woman had called 911 and hung up. The woman, identifed as Cole, was walking along Gator Boulevard at about 9 p.m. when deputies stopped her.

Cole, who had dried blood all over her body, said she had called 911 and waited for hours but then yelled that she didn�t need any help. She told the deputy she had been drinking a few beers and got into an argument with a sister-in-law of the man whose house she was at. She said the man grabbed her, but didn�t go into further details.

The woman refused any help and walked into the roadway, causing cars to stop so one of the deputies grabbed her and attempted to put her in handcuffs. She was taken to Lakeside Medical Center in Belle Glade for evaluation before being taken to jail, the arrest report said.

Edit: lol Florida man Suing Orlando After Cops Mistake Doughnut Glaze For Meth

Shiver me Timbers!

# ? Oct 25, 2016 16:16

FedEx Mercury: Jan 7, 2004; Me bad posting? That's unpossible!; Lipstick Apathy

Which Florida man are you referring to? What's his name?

# ? Oct 25, 2016 16:31

nigga crab pollock: Mar 26, 2010; by Lowtax

i'll start the patreon, op

# ? Oct 25, 2016 16:42

a bone to pick: Sep 14, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

Maybe we should try to draw a Florida Man comic panel by panel?

# ? Oct 25, 2016 16:58

Grand Prize Winner: Feb 19, 2007

a bone to pick posted:

Maybe we should try to draw a Florida Man comic panel by panel?

if there was anything Zybourne Clock needed it was more methamphetamines

# ? Oct 25, 2016 18:22

Turpitude: Oct 13, 2004; Love love love

be an organ donor; Soiled Meat

Radical and BADical! posted:

PBSO: Drunk woman tells Hispanic deputies Trump will deport them

CANAL POINT
A 28-year-old woman whose breath smelled like �a fruity alcoholic beverage� and who was covered in dried blood didn�t want any help from two Palm Beach County sheriff�s deputies with Hispanic surnames.

Courtney Cole told them Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump was going to �deport all of us� and that she �needed an American to assist her,� the deputies wrote in the arrest report.

Courtney Cole, who faces charges of disorderly intoxication and resisting an officer without violence, was released from the Palm Beach County jail on $2,000 bail Saturday.

On Friday evening, deputies were dispatched to Canal Point where a woman had called 911 and hung up. The woman, identifed as Cole, was walking along Gator Boulevard at about 9 p.m. when deputies stopped her.

Cole, who had dried blood all over her body, said she had called 911 and waited for hours but then yelled that she didn�t need any help. She told the deputy she had been drinking a few beers and got into an argument with a sister-in-law of the man whose house she was at. She said the man grabbed her, but didn�t go into further details.

The woman refused any help and walked into the roadway, causing cars to stop so one of the deputies grabbed her and attempted to put her in handcuffs. She was taken to Lakeside Medical Center in Belle Glade for evaluation before being taken to jail, the arrest report said.

Edit: lol Florida man Suing Orlando After Cops Mistake Doughnut Glaze For Meth

GATOR BOULEVARD
Where I drive my CHEROKEE MOVIE THEATER

# ? Oct 25, 2016 18:25

Moridin920: Nov 15, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

we should quarantine FL away imo

# ? Oct 25, 2016 21:21

Harold Stassen: Jan 24, 2016

I think of it as an evolutionary thing- Peking Man, Java Man, Cro-Magnon Man, Florida Man.

# ? Oct 26, 2016 01:16

BIG-DICK-BUTT-FUCK: Jan 26, 2016; by Fluffdaddy

Florida is all the good parts of California without the snooty Californians

# ? Oct 26, 2016 01:44

CaptainSarcastic: Jul 6, 2013

BIG-DICK-BUTT-gently caress posted:

Florida is all the good parts of California without the snooty Californians

But with vastly more meth and bath salts.

# ? Oct 26, 2016 02:01

Moridin920: Nov 15, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

BIG-DICK-BUTT-gently caress posted:

Florida is all the good parts of California without the snooty Californians

lmao nice one

:ca:

:fl:

not even a smiley

# ? Oct 26, 2016 22:07

FedEx Mercury: Jan 7, 2004; Me bad posting? That's unpossible!; Lipstick Apathy

Moridin920 posted:

we should quarantine FL away imo

How about you just stay out

# ? Oct 27, 2016 02:57

let it mellow: Jun 1, 2000; Dinosaur Gum

I wanna move to south Florida

# ? Oct 27, 2016 02:57

King of Bees: Dec 28, 2012; Gravy Boat 2k

In the spirit of Florida, Florida Man should be a roadside attraction.

# ? Oct 27, 2016 03:01

extra stout: Feb 24, 2005; ISILDUR's ERR

"in the future, everyone will get 15 minutes as florida man"

-famously bad artist guy

# ? Oct 27, 2016 03:12

EL BROMANCE: Jun 10, 2006; COWABUNGA DUDES!
🥷🐢😬

I was talking with friends about the Florida rep tonight, and we've come to the conclusion that it's pretty much paradise here in the south of the state for 23 hours of each day, but god forbid if you're out when all hell breaks loose for that one hour.

# ? Oct 27, 2016 06:51

Isaac: Aug 3, 2006; Fun Shoe

Good idea OP

# ? Oct 27, 2016 07:01

DONKEY SALAMI: Jun 28, 2008; donkey? donkey?

If I was having mostly congenial sex with Florida man I'd say chomp like a gator swamp boy

Chompa

# ? Oct 27, 2016 07:26

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

This is the greatest Florida Man moment ever. Meth is a Hell of a drug.

http://www.bostonleader.com/florida-man-high-meth-cuts-off-genitals-feeds-alligator/

quote:

A 52-year old man from Tavares in Florida�s Lake County is tonight in intensive care after he was seriously injured during what has been described by investigators as a �five-day binge on methamphetamine�. According to reports by local media, the victim, Mr Frank Canfield, was found by neighbors �writing on the ground in pain� outside his property.

As his neighbors approached Mr Canfield, they could see he was �clutching his groin region�, which seemed to be soaked in blood. �I asked him what he�d done,� commented one of Mr Canfield�s neighbors, who was not named in the article. �He told me he�d hurt himself badly and asked me to call for help�.

Paramedics were soon on the scene and Mr Canfield was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he remains in a critical condition as a result of severe blood loss. Investigators, unable to interview Mr Canfield due to his injuries, turned their attention to a 28-year old woman who had been living at his property and is believed to be his girlfriend.

According to the woman�s account, the pair had spent the past few days leading up to the accident �smoking crystal meth� at Mr Canfield�s residence. The woman stated that on the day of the incident, Mr Canfield �smoked up the couple�s remaining supply of meth� and began to �act really weird�. Investigators believe that Mr Canfield�s over-consumption of the drug had caused him to experience a psychotic event.

As the woman explained, Mr Canfield became violent and threatened her with a knife, before running into the backyard of the property. She followed him outside and saw he had removed his clothes. �I was puzzled about what he was going to do next,� she told investigators. �I had no idea that he would cut off his privates.� The woman reports trying multiple times to intervene, but Mr Canfield allegedly threatened her with the knife on each occasion.

�Remarkably, he seemed quite calm as he began cutting,� she said. �I was the one screaming and begging him to stop.� However, her pleas fell on deaf ears, and Mr Canfield finished his gory task. �As soon as he finished cutting he jumped over the back fence and ran away,� she said, explaining that she decided to flee the property in case Mr Canfield returned and attacked her.

Investigators now knew the cause of Mr Canfield�s gruesome injuries, but did not know what had happened to his severed genitals. A team of searchers combed the area and CCTV footage from a number of properties was collected, which ultimately revealed a shocking twist. �In the footage, we can see Mr Canfield alongside the canal that runs behind his property,� said an investigator to a local journalist. �In his hand he�s holding his genitals, we believe. At this point, he spots an alligator on the opposite side of the canal, and he flings his genitals in that direction.�

In the video, which investigators have refused to release to the media, the gator is alleged to �quickly pounce on Mr Canfield�s genitals and consume them�. �There�s no chance whatsoever of recovering them,� stated an investigator. Mr Canfield, in addition to a long recovery ahead, also faces drugs-related charges. �Given what has happened in this case, we believe there�s a slim chance of him abusing meth in future,� commented one investigator.

# ? Oct 27, 2016 10:20

Radical and BADical!: Jun 27, 2010; by Lowtax; Fun Shoe

http://www.wesh.com/article/caught-on-video-man-allegedly-high-on-meth-surfs-on-strangers-car-in-south-florida/3868629

# ? Nov 6, 2016 19:03

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 26, 2024 13:47

Jim Barris: Aug 13, 2009

The other night I was trying to coax a man high on pcp into his home for a nice lay down but he was too distracted by the light pole to even hear my voice. Anyway, as I sat on the trunk of my car watching him tear strips of wood off the pole with his bare hands it occurred to me that this was the kind of thing Florida Man might get up too.

# ? Nov 6, 2016 19:12

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Florida man should be some kind of superhero/villain

«‹›2 »