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B H C Rocks are small, bears are huge, we have no bear spray, fine particulate matter to irritate its eyes and nose is our best chance of emulating bear spray.
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Aug 1, 2017 18:56
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 13:25 |
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Getting the bear hosed up on crunk is my second vote.
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Aug 1, 2017 19:03
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Blasphemaster posted:Aw man it isn't motorized? Survival chainsaws are bad rear end. They can rip through 6inch thick trees like nothing and are a bit safer than their motorized brother. You just gotta apply some elbow grease. Could also act like a wicked flail. 
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Aug 1, 2017 20:00
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Arkanomen posted:Survival chainsaws are bad rear end. They can rip through 6inch thick trees like nothing and are a bit safer than their motorized brother. You just gotta apply some elbow grease. Could also act like a wicked flail. "Safe" isn't a word Tad knows. No such thing. "Safe" investments? Psh. "Safe" amounts of blow? Ha! "Safe" sex? Please. Don't make Tad laugh. (It burns a bit...) Voting: A; A&D dual-wield, C. We can celebrate after. Also, if we survive, this is totally selfie-worthy.
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Aug 1, 2017 21:36
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Arkanomen posted:Survival chainsaws are bad rear end. They can rip through 6inch thick trees like nothing and are a bit safer than their motorized brother. You just gotta apply some elbow grease. Could also act like a wicked flail. Have you used one? The majority I see have terrible reviews vis a vis not falling apart at a moments notice. I figure they we'd a few more years to get it right.
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Aug 1, 2017 21:39
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ADB Snort that snow and go chainsaw whip that bear! Nothing about this plan can go wrong!
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Aug 1, 2017 21:43
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I love that the thread has fully embraced The Tadmeister so much so that even I'm marvelling at some of the suggestions people are making
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Aug 1, 2017 22:40
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ACB
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Aug 2, 2017 01:46
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Loel posted:ACB rightvotin' crew 
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Aug 2, 2017 01:50
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1. A 2. C 3. C
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Aug 2, 2017 01:50
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dont be mean to me posted:rightvotin' crew 
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Aug 2, 2017 02:23
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OK how about a 2. b+C combo vote where we aim to Wallrun up the side of the bear, THWAP the chainsaw around its neck, lean back and LET THE COKE BE OUR PILOT.
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Aug 2, 2017 05:58
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Blasphemaster posted:OK how about a 2. b+C combo vote where we aim to Wallrun up the side of the bear, THWAP the chainsaw around its neck, lean back and LET THE COKE BE OUR PILOT. Changing my vote to this doomed to fail idea.
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Aug 2, 2017 06:03
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If we roll well, this will be amazing. If we don't roll well, this will be amazing. Chainsawing the bear is the only right choice.
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Aug 2, 2017 07:11
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The Bear is in the camp, digging through your stash, eating that sweet deer meat and your blow. gently caress NOT THE BLOW! That's it! gently caress these woods, gently caress that bear and gently caress everything. YOU ARE THE GREAT TAD AND THIS IS YOUR LAND. Your eyes glance down at the pile of metal, Earth's bones torn from the ground and melted into man's design. The Chainsaw, not a proper chainsaw powered by burning dinosaurs, but the cutting teeth are there on a wicked chain. You're gonna kill that bear. You're gonna kill the bear with your bare hands. In moment you are off, business formal shoes. The bear is pawing at your pack as you close the distance. Chainsaw in hand you whip that poo poo around the bear's neck. Tad Attack 68 vs Bear 22 - Tad Critical Attack, Bear Critical Fumble  You catch the other end of the loop as the black bear startles in surprise. Your grip tightens and the wicked blades on the chain dig into the bear's flesh, causing it to grunt in pain. Before you can begin to work your saw a massive paw smacks into your side, dull claws poking through your sweater. The force of the impact sends you flying, but your grip holds on the saw and you are swung around the bear. A warm splash covers your eyes as you release the chainsaw and roll to your side. A sickening gurgle precedes a heavy thump followed by some labored grunting. You wipe the blood from your eyes and take in the sight of black bear bleeding to death from a massive throat wound, blood gushing all over the ground. It thrashes for a moment and the gout of blood quickly tapers off and the beast expires with a final low grunt. Holy poo poo, you killed a bear with a chainsaw. You actually did it. This thing has to easily be three hundred pounds and is at least as long as you are tall. And you did it all for the blow and you got there just in time to keep your stash intact. 8AM Day Two Achievement Unlocked- Bare handed a Bear Market What's next Tad? Tad Westbrook You are lightly bruised and rested You are feeling loving AMAZING Your clothing is slightly You feeling a little cold. You are not hungry or thirsty Your stomach is unsettled Your addictions are.- -Cocaine - satisfied -Alcohol - you could use a drink...soon Crash Campsite - cooling coals - Circle of Stones - 2 Hours of Firewood -1 human skeleton -22.5 Lbs Grilled Venison (exposed) -- A Goddam Dead Bear (exposed) -Axe head- missing handle -Survival Chainsaw -40,x24" aluminum foil -4 carabiners -4 inch knife blade,serrated - missing handle -10 4"x 12" lengths of aluminum -5 2' x4'x 1/8" sheets aluminum -25lbs of copper slag -Steel odd n ends, 5lbs You are currently wearing- Cotton Crew Tee - okay Lamb Wool Sweater - singed, blood stained Khaki Slacks - singed Wool Socks - okay Leather Loafers - singed Expensive Waterproof Rolex Possessions Large Carry-on backpack Travel Case - 60% full -$15,000 in $20 dollar bills. -7g of Cocaine -50 count of Norco (opiate + generic pain killer) -2 lighters (1.20 full) -Retreat welcome pamphlet -Legal pad -Battery Pack (3/4 bars) -Cellphone (40% charged, off) -Flask of Everclear (5 oz) -Crude Map -Fancy corkscrew/bottle opener -30 mushrooms -0.75 Qt Purified Pond water -Crude Bone Knife -Guide for the following items -1 Heavy Duty, Waterproof, Vinyl Pouch, (3.25"x5") -1 Spark-Lite™ Military fire starter (100%) -2 Tinder-Quik™ waterproof tinder, easily lit with the Spark-Lite™ and burns 2-3 minutes each -1 Rescue-Flash™ signal mirror, made of durable LEXAN® polycarbonate with mil-spec aiming aid for easy one-handed use, visible for over 20 miles -1 Rescue Howler™ Emergency signal whistle (110 decibel pea-less whistle) -1 20mm compass, slightly calibrated -1 Duct Tape 2"x22" -1 Stainless Steel Utility Wire (6 ft) -1 Fresnel Magnifier for reading small print (especially if glasses are lost) and emergency fire starting -50 ft. Heavy Duty Nylon Thread -1 Heavy Duty Sewing Needle with large eye -4 Fish Hooks -2 Sinkers -1 Snap Swivel -3 sq. ft. of Heavy Duty Foil, reflecting heat from a fire or improvising a cooking container -10 ft. Heavy Duty Nylon Cord (150 lb test), shelter building and many other uses -4 Safety Pins -1 Pencil -2 Waterproof Paper Arkanomen fucked around with this message at 08:34 on Aug 2, 2017 |
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Aug 2, 2017 08:31
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Eat its liver. Rich in vitamin A!
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Aug 2, 2017 11:25
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Holy poo poo hahahaha. gently caress you Smokey. Not even you could stop the Tad Train. Choo Chooooo! Take a goddamn selfie because we are a god! Take a celebratory shot That should take the edge off our cravings. There Bias Two fucked around with this message at 12:00 on Aug 2, 2017 |
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Aug 2, 2017 11:57
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DRINK BEAR BLOOD WHILE STILL WARM TAKE SELFIE WHILE COVERED IN BEAR BLOOD STANDING ATOP THE BEAR. Also make a note that we want a triple-scaled bronze statue of this moment placed in front of our home office.
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Aug 2, 2017 14:55
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Take a shot, take a selfie, feed the fire, grab the knife and start cooking some BEAR! After we eat, gather more wood and try to build a lean-to out of metal and wood. Oh, and try to skin the bear for its pelt.
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Aug 2, 2017 15:03
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Aaaahahaha hahaha gently caress you BooBoo!
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Aug 2, 2017 22:37
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I think we have officially completed our Vision Quest guys.
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Aug 2, 2017 22:54
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There Bias Two posted:I think we have officially completed our Vision Quest guys. We've only just begun! mepstein73 posted:Take a shot, take a selfie, feed the fire, grab the knife and start cooking some BEAR! After we eat, gather more wood and try to build a lean-to out of metal and wood. All this.
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Aug 2, 2017 23:18
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 The Gekko Says "Great job kid. That's how you do a bear market, cut their throat and feast on the guts. That kind of mentality will get you far. Your dad doesn't get it, always plays it cautious. You gotta rip and tear. And now that you've done it today, you've gotta build on that success. Tear out the guts, cook em. Nothing gets fire in the belly like the success against a bear. Use the fur as a blanket. Stay warm, stay winning. Rip and tear, kid. Rip and tear."
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Aug 2, 2017 23:22
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Aug 2, 2017 23:33
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Waste no part of the bear. Bear steaks with bear blood, bear-fur coat*, bear-bone throne. It's not about avoiding waste, it's about celebrating the glory of the Tadmeister. *Or blanket or cape or whatever.
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Aug 3, 2017 02:20
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dont be mean to me posted:Waste no part of the bear. Bear steaks with bear blood, bear-fur coat*, bear-bone throne. It's not about avoiding waste, it's about celebrating the glory of the Tadmeister. +1 to this and selfies.
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Aug 3, 2017 02:25
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gently caress YOU BEAR THAT'S MY SKIN NOW! +(Trickle down gently caress you DEAD BEARonimics) whatever that is really
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Aug 3, 2017 04:06
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uhh bear is not great for humans, just saying. we can od on fat soluble nutrients depending on what we nom
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Aug 3, 2017 06:17
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Grognan posted:uhh bear is not great for humans, just saying. we can od on fat soluble nutrients depending on what we nom Bearvenge. The tastiest and coolest way to die in the wilderness. Try it today and impress your friends!
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Aug 3, 2017 06:21
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Grognan posted:uhh bear is not great for humans, just saying. we can od on fat soluble nutrients depending on what we nom Then we'll just have to do a hostile takeover of Hell.
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Aug 3, 2017 06:42
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I suggested Tad vs the Underworld to Ark earlier too, we can but hope
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Aug 3, 2017 06:49
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I'm picturing a knockoff Ash vs Evil Dead scenario here. Maybe our hero actually did coke off the skull of a former First Nations Member.
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Aug 3, 2017 06:56
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Grognan posted:uhh bear is not great for humans, just saying. we can od on fat soluble nutrients depending on what we nom It's a statement to ourselves, and a message to those who come before us. Wear its skull as a hat, and prance around the fire in our warm new cape.
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Aug 3, 2017 06:59
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Outrail posted:It's a statement to ourselves, and a message to those who come before us.  Cant you just picture this face at the next board meeting, when we fire 50,000 people?
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Aug 3, 2017 07:08
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Loel posted:
Yessssss. Tad crouches on the roof of his 78 story investment bank, staring away into the night from the fire that burns behind him, naked save for the shaggy pelt and skull of some fearsome beast. "Michael!", he yells, and the sullen intern looks up from the fire. "Yeah? Wot?". "Tonight we burn out the cravens from our ranks". The intern sighed. "Oh, yeah. Sure Tad".
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Aug 3, 2017 07:26
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I'm making some changes to the Inventory, nothing big, just streamlining it a bit. You are Tad. God of the Woods, Slayer of Bears and the great Gecko commands you to partake of your kill. When did such a baller executive become your spirit animal. You were going north to get ripped on strange native drugs but gently caress man, between the coke and the bear murder this poo poo is tripping you out. If only your hands and your gut would settle. Must be the adrenaline. You figure two birds one stone. You take some duct-tape and make a quick wrap for the knife using some sticks and leaves to fill the grip with some strips around the cross guard to hold the thing together. Your hands aren't shaking too bad as you cut into the bear. Dressing the Bear DC 30 vs Tad 42 - Pass, 110 lbs of bear meat, 1 bear skeleton, -2 hours Preserving the Pelt DC 65 vs Tad 42 - Minor Failure, Partial Bearskin  The guts aren't too bad. You remember a few shows with the pee-guy talking about how you gotta avoid cutting the poop-chute or you get lovely meat. Well, you know where that stuff is and the knife is very sharp and makes easy work of the tough hide. You do your best and the guts just slop out, steaming in the morning air. The tough part is removing them all completely. There's stringy bits, and lumpy bits and they are all glued all over. loving bullshit nature making everything hard. This is what money is for, making loser dipshits do this hard work. You don't do a good job getting things out and eventually you have to cut parts of the pelt up to free things like bones and you think a liver. Its liver shaped. The voices are conflicted over if you should eat it or not. Liver is loving gross man. Its a gut. A gut ain't meat. Its slow going but eventually you have a plie of meaty bones, a pile of bear meat, and what's left of the pelt. It's not large but you got the head, arms and back free.  You try to scrape away all the nasty meat bits but there's not much you can do. Its also not like leather at all. Its warm and slimy but gently caress it, you are a king and you can always wash in the pond. You don the pelt, after removing your clothes because rituals are more badass when you are naked. College taught you that. You find the heart you set aside and smear your face with blood and measure out a shot from your flask in its little cap/cup. You hold aloft the two offerings and make you dominion sacrosanct with a challenge to the gods. "YO, gently caress THIS GREEN BULLSHIT FOREST OF FUCKSHIT. gently caress YOU NATURE, SUCK MY BEAR DICK! I AM THE TAD!". Your cry echos around the little clearing and you slam the shot of everclear with a chaser of bear blood. Magic Nonsense DC666 vs Tad Magic Isn't Real - Pass?  Nothing happens but you feel like a total badass. A naked badass covered in bear blood and skin slime. Oh gently caress, blood tastes rank. Like hot water on a hot day, except sticky. Speaking of hot, its time to get the fire cooking and to roast this meat. You realize that cooking this meat isn't going to work, its gonna just rot. You need to smoke that meat, and that's easy as starting a fire. You have your knife and a hand axe. Not going to be too hard to rig up some skewers and big low fire. You also get rid of the nasty bear cape and prop it up to let the smoke cure the hide. You think it will work but you aren't sure. Smoking all the meat DC55 vs Tad 83- Pass. -6 hours, +1 Day of Firewood, +100 lbs of Jerky, 1 Bear Trophy You fall into a rhythm, slicing meat, shaving sticks, running into the woods to cut wood by hand, take some sick selfies with the bear hat (#KillingIt #FYAD_YOGI #IAMKINGOFTHEFOREST #WINNING) and the bear and your growing campsite and building fires. You're getting pretty good at making fires now. And you know that green wood makes smoke and smoke makes jerky. The smell is ridiculously good and your stomach grumbles, but you focus on the task. It takes ages and you think you've cooked and dried the meat. It tastes...like cooked meat with a mild smoky taste. You sample some of the bear and deer and surprisingly the deer tastes a little better. The Bear pelt didn't do too well. It isn't ruined, but it's very stiff and dry. Its not going to be a cape but you could mount this on your wall as a sick trophy.  The last thing you need to get done is some shelter. The Tad can't sleep under a blanket of leaves this time, you're better than that. You could rig something with the scraps of metal and the logs and more needles laying around, more so now with your tools. You set to work cutting some thicker logs with the chainsaw and gathering some thatch for roofing. Crude Shelter DC35 vs Tad 44- Pass- +Crude shelter, -2 hours  It isn't difficult to get everything together. Some bits from the aircraft propping up some logs and heavy pine needles making up the roof. Its quaint in a way that you aren't too comfortable with. It's not your mega-yacht but it will do. The opening faces your two fire pits, one busy smoking away the last batch of meat. You chew a stick of jerky, admiring your recent kill and reveling in what a badass you are. This whole wilderness thing is easy as poo poo. You can't wait until you come back and turn this whole bullshit in to a parking lot. 4PM, Day Two What's next Tad? Tad Westbrook You are a little tired. Your stomach is unsettled Your addictions are satisfied You are currently wearing- Cotton Crew Tee - okay Lamb Wool Sweater - singed, blood stained Khaki Slacks - singed Wool Socks - okay Leather Loafers - singed Expensive Waterproof Rolex Crash Campsite -Stone Lined Campfire -Large smoke-fire pit - 1 day of Firewood - Sturdy Lean-to Resources - 51 Days of Food -0.75 days clean water - 3 Skeletons (Deer,Bear, Man) - 40 Feet of Foil - 35 Lbs of Metal (Sheets,Rods,Fasteners, Slag,Wire) - 1 Black Bear Trophy Tools - Axe head- missing handle - Survival Chainsaw - 4 inch knife blade,serrated - crude handle - 4 carabiners - Fancy corkscrew/bottle opener - Crude Bone Knife - 1 Firestarter stick - 4 Fishing Kits - 1 Sewing Kit - 50 ft Thread - 20" Duct tape Possessions on your Person Large Carry-on backpack Travel Case - 60% full -$13,000 in $20 dollar bills. -7g of Cocaine -50 count of Norco (opiate + generic pain killer) -2 lighters (1 full) -100 sheets scrap paper -Battery Pack (3/4 charges) -Cellphone (25% charged, off) -Flask of Everclear (5 oz) -Crude Map -2 Tinder-Plugs -1 signal mirror -1 Emergency signal whistle -1 compass - 1 Fresnel Magnifier -4 Safety Pins - 1 Pencil
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Aug 3, 2017 10:55
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We're...we're actually surviving out here. I figured we'd be dead like 3 updates ago, so I didn't plan this far ahead. Our next biggest challenge will be surviving the withdrawal. Do we have any experience weaning off alcohol and coke? Maybe one before the other would work best if possible.
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Aug 3, 2017 12:47
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We're gonna need to make a backpack or something, since leaving soon will be necessary unless we really do want to live here for a few years. Then we come back Bruce Wayne style and take poo poo over.
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Aug 3, 2017 14:34
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Blasphemaster posted:We're gonna need to make a backpack or something, since leaving soon will be necessary unless we really do want to live here for a few years. The best way to stay alive when you're lost somewhere is usually to stay exactly where you are. We have food, water, and shelter for the time being, so there isn't much of a pressing reason to travel.
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Aug 3, 2017 14:36
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 13:25 |
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Eat the bear offal.Grognan posted:uhh bear is not great for humans, just saying. we can od on fat soluble nutrients depending on what we nom especially the liver.
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Aug 3, 2017 15:07
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