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Ladies, Gentlemen, the Irish and other lower races. It is my most sincere and genuine honour to welcome you to the finest chemist in all of London; J.B Flumpwhistle & Sons, purveyors of unguents salves and tinctures to Her Majesty Queen Victoria. Our curatives are unmatched anywhere in the empire, may my mutton chops be dashed from my face and my moustache be struck waxless should I tell a lie. Perhaps your little one suffers from factory urchin's lung, for only 5 shillings and sixpence I shall provide you with Dr. Chalrymple's Children's Herocaine tonic. The gentle infusion of Heroin and Cocaine is specially formulated to be gentle on even the most malnourished and polio riddled infant, a quick swig and they'll be back at the armaments works building rifles to destroy godless savages in no time. Maybe you have some manner of perversion, perhaps you have designs on animals, foreigners or, worst of all, other men. Fear not gentle patron, for to the rescue comes Reverend Wankering's disengorgement balm. This miraculous concoction of mercury, lead and the finest and purest radium will render your member both impervious and oblivious to even the most buxom and sultry of Whitechapel's harlots and strumpets. Speaking of which, are you a lady of the night? Perhaps you are concerned that you may be the next to fall victim to old Jack's grizzly workings. Fear not my dear fallen ladies for the solution lies in Professor Smodt's anti murder perfume. It is a little known fact that the degenerate female slayer has an olfactory system quite unlike our own and this difference may be exploited. The formulation of ox musk, tamarind and powdered black rhino horn will flummox even the most determined womb collector while at the same time leaving honest patrons unperturbed. All yours for just 17 shillings, expensive perhaps, but no price is too high to pay for safety. Should you find yourself without the cash on hand at present simply step into the more discrete settings of my phrenology nook where we can discuss other arrangements. All these miracles of modern British medical science, and many others can be yours for prices affordable to even the most destitute opium addled wastrel, not that I would allow such people in my establishment of course. So gentle patrons, come one come all, tell me of your ailments so that I may sell to you your salvation.
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Apr 23, 2018 00:59
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SCROTO TURBOSPERG posted:I'll split some cocaine and malt fizz or me and my nigga cubone Would you prefer Colombian or Peruvian cocaine? The Peruvian is by all accounts markedly less swarthy than his Colombian counterpart? And with skull measurements more closely resembling the civilised races of the earth to boot. For this reason I charge 6 pence more per quarter ounce for the Peruvian, steep perhaps, but is it not worth paying more knowing that your cocaine passed through whiter hands?
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Apr 23, 2018 01:05
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Smashurbanipal posted:Oi guv, got 'ny cock sheathes? don' want no weeper agin. The working class prophylactics are one haypenny, I make a loss on every one I sell but consider it my civic duty to prevent your kind from reproducing. If you would prefer a more permanent solution you may consider waiting before drinking away the next threpenny bit that finds it's way into your possession, for I have the cleanest neutering table in London, and my rates are extremely reasonable.
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Apr 23, 2018 01:09
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VikingSkull posted:do you have anything for the vapors, my wife catches them something fierce My dear sir, may I offer you my sincere condolences that your wife finds herself at present even more weak and useless than the pathetic norm for her sex. May I suggest Cramblethornes amphetamine salts to give her some vim, along with injections of extract of chimpanzee gland to strengthen her constitution. 13 shillings for the salts, due to the rarity of the raw materials the gland extract will be 3 guineas, a high price I know, but a man of obviously impeccable race and breeding such as your self will surely find himself more than able to afford it.
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Apr 23, 2018 01:20
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That Robot posted:give me a glass of the robert heinlein special, op We don't carry any products made by the filthy Hun in this establishment sir, I would kindly ask that you take your custom elsewhere. Nigmaetcetera posted:Perhaps you can help me. Recently my neighbor (a papist) lost his job at the soot factory, and has been daily stealing the pies my wife leaves to cool on our windowsill, presumably to provide sustenance to his accursed, swarthy brood. I require a poison with the appropriate characteristics to rectify the situation. I am most sorry sir, but that damned fool Gladstone and his cursed Liberal party have just outlawed the poisoning of papists. If you contact your local constabulary I'm sure they will be more than happy to send a few strapping young constables to beat him within an inch of his life. *leans in and whispers* come back after I close, I have a compound of such virulence as to cleanse the earth of his entire vile fenian brood.
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Apr 23, 2018 01:26
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Mozi posted:Well I'm feeling OK, but I am running a little low on snake oil... Ah, trouble satisfying your good lady wife is it? Well fear not my dear fellow. This establishment is the very soul of discretion, our clients embarrassing problems never leave these walls. Is the problem one of potency or girth, I generally prescribe venomous snakes for the former and constrictors for the latter. Bloopsy posted:Hemorrhoids. I've got them real bad. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 01:39 on Apr 23, 2018 |
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Apr 23, 2018 01:30
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Maldoror posted:Hi, I'm Doctor Sniffysnuff Smellybottoms. Please, try my product. I am always looking for new products, if you would care to meet me this evening at Sir Geoffrey Molleston's school for lackwit children so as tests may be conducted on some of the inmates. I subject all my suppliers to the highest standards of testing. bvj191jgl7bBsqF5m posted:I'm just here for some phosphate soda Would sir prefer powdered, granulated, solid ingots or the children's beverage? Tetracube posted:I must confess my *ahem*male member*ahem* is quite small, and I often find it quite difficult to engage in intercourse with my wife or any of the several escorts I court. Do you have any concoctions to enlarge my masculinity, good sir? Oil of the amazonian anaconda injected into the base twice a day should provide the gains you seek. However before suggesting such a drastic measure have you considered the possibility that it may be the woman's fault? They may have what we in the medical profession call vaginal gigantism. If you were to bring your wife or one of your escorts to the shop after business hours I could conduct an examination in the privacy of my phrenology nook. Xenocides posted:I purchased some boil salve from you last week and rubbed it on the boils on my arm and the arm rotted off. I must ask for a refund and an unguent that will grow my arm back. Preferably without the demons and boils from the first one. Sir, if you remember our discussion, you asked me what the cheapest way was to get rid of the boils. I postulated that, at a price of 3 shillings and sixpence, Purvess' amputation substitute would fit that description, a harmless joke on my part. To my dismay you pressed the money into my hand, grabbed an ampule from the display and ran out of the store before I could tell you what it actually does. The product behaved exactly as it is supposed to, if you must blame something for your current predicament, blame your own hastiness. I will be happy to sell you an ampule of Purves' arm substitute at a discounted price of 14 shillings as a show of goodwill. gleebster posted:Just a pint of laudanum, please. Hmm, come to think of it, make it a quart; it'll save me a trip. We are all out of laudanum in its raw form at present sir, I should be receiving a delivery on the morrow. In the meantime may I suggest a box of Smethlewink's laudanum fancies, the liquorice really brings out the laudanum. Uncle at Nintendo posted:i cant remember what 7 x 6 is no matter how many times i try, what do you have for me ? Campston's Embrainment cigarillos, the infusion of nicotine belladonna and opium is a powerful mental invigourant. Unfortunately dunderheadedness is at present a chronic malady so unless a cure is found you will need to smoke 2 packs every day for the rest of your natural life. Alternatively I could introduce you to my good friend Sir Geoffrey Molleston, strapping lads such as yourself are just the kind of sort he is looking for to enrol at his school. Maybe he can provide the help you need. Maldoror posted:here, drink this lye Sir, this is a chemist, not one of Mr Barnham's infernal abomination parades, you should know this as you just tried to sell me some of your product, which I am still eager to see demonstrated. If you are desperate to see people drink things may suggest the nearest hostelry, or maybe ample molly 3 doors down, she'll put anything in her mouth. Jon Joe posted:Can you make a mercury-based alchemy potion to extend my lifespan? Alas no, however the good Doctor Bumoll makes an excellent Arsenic and Strychnine based dandelion and burdock that will extend your lifespan. And it just so happens that I have this wonderful product in stock. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 02:53 on Apr 23, 2018 |
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Apr 23, 2018 02:41
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Tom Gorman posted:u got any weed bruh Sir, in this store we speak the Queen's English. Xenocides posted:I name you a cad and a shyster and demand satisfaction..... Sir, you cut me to the quick, I will not see one of my patrons leave unsatisfied. Please go into the back and lie down on the neutering table. I will be with you momentarily, please pay no mind to the claw marks on the restraints.
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Apr 23, 2018 02:59
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jazzyhattrick posted:Sir, you cut me to the quick, I will not see one of my patrons leave unsatisfied. Please go into the back and lie down on the neutering table. I will be with you momentarily, please pay no mind to the claw marks on the restraints. Dear patrons, I have a special offer to announce. I have just obtained a large shipment of human bone, sinew, teeth and other sundries. Rest assured that I obtain all my human materials entirely legally and that no white men were harmed in the process of their harvesting.
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Apr 23, 2018 03:03
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Ceciltron posted:I am highly interested in obtaining body parts and...raw human leather. I generally only accept honest British currency, but for a gentleman of aristocratic bearing such as your good self I shall make an exception. Should I be unable to provide such volumes as you require I should be more than happy to introduce you to my good friend, Captain Rinus Van Luijnmelk of the Belgian Congo trading company. He should be more than able to accomodate you. As for the burning pain I can prescribe Fistulolm's scrotal linament, Dr. MacQuemton's chlorine turpentine rub. President Garfielf's patented numbing suppositories and 3 humidors of Admiral Snugsmoothly's cocaine and heroin and cannabis and amphetamine and laudanum and rum and ether and opium cigars. The expense of such items is too great to talk about in polite company, but I am sure a man such as yourself has a bag of emeralds or somesuch on his person to use for payment.
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Apr 23, 2018 03:59
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Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:Listen JB For stress induced fainting I suggest Bracklesham's Patented Re-Invigourating Pep-Salve, applied generously to the breasts and beneath each nostril. As for your groinal protuberance may I suggest Reverend Wankeringham's Disengorgment balm, or perhaps Purvess' Amputation Substitute. Ho ho, if sir will forgive this old man his little jokes. The relative sizes of your genitalia may also be attributable to a condition in the woman called vaginal midgetism. If you were to bring your lady friend to my emporium after hours I could examine her in my phrenology nook. Julius CSAR posted:Oi mate! U got anythin’ to ‘elp rid me head of these wicked voices? Do these voices command you to journey to Africa and slay the heathen, as they did my dear departed brother Obediah? If so I pray you heed them sir, for the commands of The Lord are to be obeyed without question. Otherwise please step into my phrenology nook so I may discern the nature of your affliction. Please pay no mind to the numerous stains on the walls, floor, ceiling and stirruped table, some patients have sneezing fits when they first feel the calipers against their cranium. Hopefully there will be no need to have you committed to Professor Hardcocke's impound for lunatics, nincompoops and frigid women. Frankenstyle posted:I picked up a touch of Consumption on my last visit to the local Molly house. Do you have anything that'll take the edge off? Preferably Mercury free, I tend to react poorly to it. Sir, a consumption tonic without mercury is like a marriage without wife restraints and a beating chamber, an abomination before God. I shall give you Wimplesham's Pure Mercury Consumption tonic, as well as some Palmerslam's Acetone and Asbestos for the mercury sickness. Angela Lansburial posted:My son applied one of your camphorated opium liniments to his balls and now he's a bloody actor! I demand a refund! You won't get me that way sir, any good Christian knows that homosexualism is punishment from The Lord for sins committed by the mother. Maybe a frank discussion with your wife in the beating chamber is in order? Frankenstyle posted:And speaking of Molly houses, might you offer a Radium based member engorgement ointment? Firstly, I don't know what quacks you have been speaking to, but radium is for disengorgement, for engorgement you want snake oil, anthrax or trinitrotolluene. Second, as I have advised others, often problems of this nature are the woman's fault. Bring any and all women in your acquaintance to my phrenology nook, that they may be properly examined. Uncle at Nintendo posted:My farts smell really bad. What elixir would best suit me? No elixir sir, you need Captain Tumescent's Jumbo Sized Uranium Enfragrantment Suppositories. Sir will almost certainly wish to also purchase Dr. Frimming's Rectal Dilatory Tincture. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 13:38 on Apr 23, 2018 |
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Apr 23, 2018 13:31
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Mozi posted:Is there any way you could have one of the venomous snakes bite one of the constrictors, then I use the oil from that one? Alas sir, I have no snakes on the premises, I merely procure their oil from men of science. Maybe you could suggest your idea for a new concoction to Doctor Theobold X Misgivinge, he can be found at 221C Baker Street. Tell him you came on my recommendation. Avoid his neighbour, he is a blaggard and a charlatan. If you have any schemes he delights in foiling them, drat his eyes. gbs but from 2004 posted:listen 2 me u little muggy oval office, *claps hands twice* Pillsbury, Clemshore! This gutter trash appears to be lost, escort him to the back and restrain him to the neutering table. His seed must not be allowed to weaken the British race.
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Apr 23, 2018 13:52
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Murray Mantoinette posted:What can you do about this stupid accent of mine, my dear chemist? I'm sorry Jock, I cannot fathom a word you are saying. Maybe you should go back to Glasgow where your kind belongs. Were it not for the fact that we serve the same queen I would have you flogged to within an inch of your miserable Scottish life. Uncle at Nintendo posted:I want bigger cums, what have you got in stock for this? Spicjtram's gum arabic and spider venom balsam. It will have you producing ropes long and thick enough to be used to moor the HMS Indefatigable. Murray Mantoinette posted:In your professional medical opinion, which of the following is the least unacceptably swarthy? First it should be noted that I di not include the aristocracy in these opinions, noble blood counteracts the beastly nature of the foreigner. The southern Italian is notoriously swarthy, maybe the most after the various Negroid races, the northern Italian while still a filthy lazy papist is at least white. The Iberian carries the blood of the Arab, swarthy and untrustworthy to boot. Also papists. Pollock is a delicious kind of fish, alas at present impossible to educate, although I hear Count Von Kreigsnarine has had some success in his experiments. A Frenchman educated in Warsaw will be less educated but also reek considerably less of garlic. Not swarthy but still fit only for death unless he is one of the minority of frenchmen who pray to the true protestant god. As for A HAHAHAHAH half Greek HHAHAHAH half Briton. Oh dear, sir is quite droll, I must tell that joke when I am next at the Apothecaries club.
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Apr 23, 2018 14:33
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Mycroft Holmes posted:I believe by Pollock he means a Polish person, as a derogatory term for a Pole is "Polack" Tell your brother he is an opium fiend, a popinjay and a probable homosexualist, I've seen how he looks at that "doctor" of his. He had better keep his nose out of my affairs lest he desires to feel the wrath of Jeddediah Bacchanaleus Flumpwhistle. Also his hat makes him look like some kind of loon. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 15:03 on Apr 23, 2018 |
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Apr 23, 2018 14:58
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Uncle at Nintendo posted:What salves or lozenges are you taking to have such a prodigious vocabulary? I'd suspect the mighty thesaurus, but even thesauruses don't include such delectable English dialect! My eloquence is a product of my marvellous British education. I attended St. Buggering's school in Hertfordshire where my English master was as verbose as he was girthy, I suppose he rubbed off on me somewhat. Mozi posted:Er... this is awkward, but I'm afraid I procured a fresh snake from elsewhere to attempt to press its oil at home, and I'm afraid that in a moment of female-like hysteria I became lightheaded and fainted in just the way so as to lodge said snake in... well, let's just say it doesn't have a great need of sunscreen at the moment. I don't suppose you sell any elixirs that could assist in... dislodging... this erstwhile visitor to my viscera? Sir is in luck, for I provide dislodgements for the reasonable price of 8 shillings and sixpence. *claps hands* Pillsbury, escort the gentleman to the dislodgement bench, and fetch the clamps, forceps, rectum linament and ether. Literally A Person posted:I'm looking for something to make the voices stop. Pyromania can have any number of causes, step through to my phrenology nook. No, wait one moment... CLEMSHORE! Be a chap and wipe down the Phrenology nook would you.
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Apr 23, 2018 15:47
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Literally A Person posted:Finally someone who cares enough to measure my dullard's brow! Thanks J.B. Flumpwhistle and Sons! Such high praise from a fine gentleman such as yourself brings warmth to this old chemist's heart sir. Or maybe that's the laudanum fancies, ho ho. Uncle at Nintendo posted:I want my NES to output an RGB signal. How can you help me? Clemshore! This man is speaking gibberish, have him restrained and send for Doctor Hardcocke, see if there is any space at his impound for lunatics, nincompoops and frigid women. Cerebral Mayhem posted:Oh Doctor, what do you recommend for my hysteria? Dear lady, there are any number of causes for hysteria please step into my phrenology nook so that you may be carefully examined. CLEMSHORE! Fetch a tube of Ahab's whale based lubricant, on second thought 2 tubes. Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please! A delicate matter that requires my undivided attention has just come up. The store will be closed for the next 2 hours. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 16:16 on Apr 23, 2018 |
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Apr 23, 2018 16:10
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Rivethead posted:That Clamshell guys sure does most of the work around here. He's one of Obediah's bastards, a mute and a dullard. He doesn't have the wherewithall to attend St. Buggering's but I wounld't have my own flesh and blood sent to a school for lackwits. In any event, the lad has a good heart and his lack of brains is more than made up for by his prodigious physical strength.
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Apr 23, 2018 18:05
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givepatajob posted:I was recently at the follies and watched a delightful Spanish Fandango. Problem is that I cannot stop touching myself in an inappropriate way as one in the Royal Navy should not after watching such a lustful display. Do you have anything that can remove these impure thoughts? So....many.....ankles......(rubs groin furiously). Reverend Wankering's disengorgement balm my good man! I also have groinal trusses for sale. There's a 25% discount for those in her majesty's forces, 40% if you have documentary proof that you have slayed heathens.
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Apr 23, 2018 18:19
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That Robot posted:I'm p sure he was in the US Navy so he wasn't a hun. A hun that happens to speak english is still a hun. Measure his skull and you will surely find the pronounced brow of the mountebank and the temples of a criminal brute, in short you shall be measuring the skull of a german. One does not change one's race by moving to a different continent. I said good day sir! Uncle at Nintendo posted:My cat doesn't seem to like me. Do you stock product for furry friends? I really only cater to humans but perhaps if you put a few drops of Colonel Spavins' Elysium nectar in its food. The gentle blend of cannabis, opium, barbiturates and badger sex pheromones should ensure that your feline friend likes pretty much everything, your good self included. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 18:48 on Apr 23, 2018 |
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Apr 23, 2018 18:31
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Xenocides posted:The workers in my mine keep dying of various ailments. While easy to replace of course we often do not find the corpses for several days and the stench is slowing the work of the survivors. Have you any way to freshen the air so the lazy dullards will get back to work. Alas, Clemshore is prone to all manner of fits, violent tantrums and rampages, only myself and Pillsbury are able to calm him down. Taking him into a sex dungeon is unthinkable, you would live longer sharing an enclosed space with a Bengal Tiger. As for covering up that pesky corpse smell a crate of Wannock's phosgene and lavender incense should do the trick. Senior Management posted:The neighbors have started keeping goats and their incessant bleating interrupts my daily praising of the Queen. Do you have anything that I could administer to either quiet them or transmute them into a more noble animal? First you want to feed them hay laced with Baverstock's hallucinogenic preparation, once they are in a suggestible state call upon Heiram P Savage, he shall train these goats to bleat patriotic tunes such as Rule Britannia and God Save The Queen. As for the Tsar, he talks a big game but when all's said and done he knows to do what he's bloody well told, lest he face the fury of the Empire upon which the sun never sets. sick brunch kills posted:I wish I was taller Each evening take 3 of Dr. Cumblast's calcium and mercury pills for bone strength, then head to your nearest Chinese pleasure emporium and ask for 45 minutes on the rack. You should see results in a matter of weeks. Frankenstyle posted:Ohhhh, I've a plethora of daguerreotypes on this issue! Ah, a fellow photography enthusiast. The Apothecaries club is holding an exhibition next Thursday, Major Threepnoth is showing his collection of erotic lithographs, all extremely tasteful of course. Phy posted:I caught a tropical ague serving in Burma, and to put it plainly, sir, me arse clean fell off. Have ye any re-arsing elixirs or salves, or anything like that? Professor Bottomley's posterior foam may do the trick, although I've never seen it used in cases where the backside was entirely absent before. You have my condolences sir, it is as if Jack the Ripper himself had done his work on you. All London's abuzz with talk of old Jack, although if you compare the number of his victims to the dozens of people that go missing in London every day... Of course most succumb to narcotics or venereal diseases and simply fall in the Thames, but with the wealth of places in the metropolis where a body could simply disappear... Imagine a particularly careful and intelligent murderer, perhaps with some kind of nook somewhere where he can wreak his perversions on the supple young flesh of filthy sinful women, unseen and unheard and then make his victims disappear as if they never existed at all. I would imagine that such an expert slayer, this Caravaggio of murder if you will, if he existed, would view Jack the so called "Ripper" as quite the rank amateur. All just the conjecturing of a foolish old man of course, I see I am boring you, my apologies sir. Vaginal Vagrant posted:Foul lies! Why but recently I have heard you invite the Irish into your filthy shop. When I purchase horse amphetamines from a vetinerian he does me the courtesy of selling me such products in a building fit for an Englishman, not in the sty he keeps for housing beasts. Sir, the only Irishman who has ever set foot in this establishment is a God fearing protestant and respected academic by the name of Moriarty, I must admit I did not detect the whiff of bog upon him but perhaps you think differently. Maybe I should relay your opinions about him, I am sure he would be quite interested to hear them. Uncle at Nintendo posted:My anus itches at levels that are seemingly unhuman. Do you have a slurry that will cure what ails me? Sir you have more maladies than any man I have ever met, and I have visited near every corner of the Empire. Write a list of your every affliction so that I may solve your worries at one fell stroke, rather than piecemeal like you have been going at it so far. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 21:41 on Apr 23, 2018 |
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Apr 23, 2018 21:26
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Xenocides posted:In that case I will pay triple. No, a different Pillsbury. We were mercenaries together in Rhodesia, he was afflicted by the dreaded Jungle Fever, my treatment saved his life and he has been loyal to me ever since. He has no schooling, numbers are a mystery to him, he knows only enough reading to obey simple written instructions from myself, I doubt he could tell you who the Prime Minister is. What he does have is a visceral animal cunning and an almost preternatural instinct for violence, while he may be an ignoramus in most spheres he is one of the world's foremost experts in all matters relating to the destruction of his fellow man. He has the blackest heart of anybody I have ever met, he is the most dangerous man in London. I am sorry to say sir that I doubt you could afford him.
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Apr 23, 2018 22:05
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Xenocides posted:Sounds like he might actually be a tiger. Have you performed tests to check for this possibility? A Tiger kills to eat, for Pillsbury killing is its own reward.
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Apr 23, 2018 22:19
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Skutter posted:Do you have anything for my extremely deranged uterus kind sir? It's telling me that I should vote and wear pants. CLEMSHORE! LUBRICANT! Madam, if you would step into my phrenology nook I will be with you momentarily. That Robot posted:But he did write Starship Troopers and Stranger in a Strange Land. Sir this is nineteenth century London, any man who talks of "starships" is a lackbrain, a dipsomaniac or some combination of the two. And yes I include Jules so called Verne in those categories. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 22:30 on Apr 23, 2018 |
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Apr 23, 2018 22:27
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Xenocides posted:Can you sic him on Prince Albert, clearly a Hun infiltrator of our glorious empire? The Prince is dead sir, god rest him. His vile foreign barbarism was more than compensated for by his noble lineage and his luxuriant waxy moustache. You will withdraw those vile slurs sir, or by god Clemshore shall administer the most patriotic buggering seen within these four walls for at least a fortnight. Deki posted:I see no so-called Sons in this establishment. That is because the older boys; Obediah, Trevor, Thomas, Ephraim, Clement, the twins Victor and Albert (named for the royal couple), Heironymous, Gladby, Douglas and Phrenologius are all overseas, serving Queen and Country. Hector, Frederick, Melvin, Simeon and Eugenicus are attending Perv's college, Oxford. And the little ones, Clive, Maxwell, Gengulfus, Lemuel, Marvin, Wheem, Williard, Babshaw, Smethwick and Lakynn are all at St Buggering's school in Hertfordshire. You will not see any sons here during term time sir. That Robot posted:If it's nineteenth century London just like give me a few hundred bottles of your finest authentic absinthe. I have a shitload of pound sterling that some museums let me borrow. We don't sell dishonest and slovenly french beverages in this establishment sir, you will have gin and you will like it. Uncle at Nintendo posted:Do you have anything for siamese twins? Asking for two friends Do you mean twins who are Siamese by race, or you are you using the colloquial term for twins whom God has seen fit to physically bond to one another? For the answer is the same in either case, Rumbleflapp's patented euthanasia oil. Julius CSAR posted:Lord! I 'avent been ta church in ages! No wonder I missed interpreted this. I'm off ta the darkest heart o' the jungle to fell those poor savage Zulus, mate! Praise be to The Lord, another soldier for Christ and Empire. my dog died im sad posted:My son has Vestigial Tail and Web Foot. Can anything be done about those? Dismal's malformation reversal linament. I would also enrol him at Sir Geoffrey Molleston's school for lackwit children, just to be on the safe side. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 10:09 on Apr 25, 2018 |
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Apr 25, 2018 10:01
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Better use a whole bottle of euthanasia oil then. I find it pays in the long run to always err on the side of caution, don't you agree sir?
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Apr 25, 2018 12:07
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Uncle at Nintendo posted:I do agree! If sir is desirous of a pair of clogs, he should find one of this city's malodorous population of cobblers, there are a number of hovels on jermyn street that play home to such individuals. Or else comb the dockland bordellos and opium dens until you happen upon a dutchman. This is an emporium of healants and restoratives sir, not some filthy east end garment shed. Clochette posted:I'm heading for a trip down the Oregon Trail to settle some new lands with a wagon train. I know not why somebody would wish to visit that land of vile traitors sir, especially when a full third of the earth's surface finds itself in the priviliged position of existing within Her Majesty's domain. But to each his own I suppose, may I also suggest a goodly quantity of General Appleshaw's native repellant, and perhaps a few tubs of Clungeborough's dysentry-begone?
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Apr 25, 2018 14:56
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Uncle at Nintendo posted:Serious question, how do you have this kind of hilarious knowledge of old timey terminology? Read a bunch of Terry Pratchett as a kid? Or is there some sort of website you're plugging normal sentences into and it's producing this? It's loving hilarious PILLSBURY! The patrons are babbling again, check the ether tanks for leaks. And when you're done see if Fry and Laurie are playing at the hippodrome this evening. I don't usually care for music hall acts but their witty repartee does make me chortle and, dare I say it, even guffaw on occasion. Xenocides posted:My son has recently returned from Paris and is flouting the rule of the Queen with the vile slanderous language of the French Revolution. Do you have any products that can cure the French disease of the mind? A King James bible and a stout beating stick sir, with perhaps a little Dr. Beck's mesmeric serum, to grease the gears as it were. Should that fail may I suggest a Webley and a shallow grave? 420 SWAGLORD posted:Don't u dare ask J.B. Flumpwhistle to break character he is a treasure. Professor Rohypnulm's obliviousness cocoa. A delicious milky chocolatey beverage packed full of opium, cannabis and barbiturates. I remember my good friend Sir Geoffrey Molleston used to buy mountains of the stuff, that was until he founded his school for lackwit children. Clearly philanthropy has filled the yearning chasm in his soul that delicious chocolatey drugs could not.
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Apr 25, 2018 21:10
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Johny-on-the-Spot posted:Good sir, I require a some manner of curative for my rear end. He's been loafing in the fields for the last several weeks and the fleas have decimated his hide. I fear he might be on his last legs but cannot afford a new beast of burden until next year. I am no veterinarian Sir, but I do know a great many things about the world. Here are my ideas if you want a second opinion from some cat fondler that is your right as a free born Englishman. Firstly the problem of the fleas, Quelpenham's radium and sulphuric acid sterilizing solution, if it will kill a hospital ward full of idiot halfwits (and their patients) a few fleas should present no obstacle. Second the matter of how to bring strength and vigour back to the unfortunate animal. Now you will hear some lily livered pantywaists claim that the donkey is a herbivorous creature that should on no account be allowed to ingest meat. To this I say pish, popycock, fiddle faddle and humbug Sir, if meat is good enough to put muscle on the frame of the God fearing Englishman it is more than good enough for the horse's racially inferior cousin. I'm sure an amicable arrangement can be reached with my dear friend Captain Rinus Van Luijnmelk of the Belgian Congo trading company for an abundance of animal grade meat, you will be astonished at the generosity of his prices. As for some extra vim, Mr Nandrilholm's performance enhancement mixture (patent pending) injected thrice daily into the testicles should do the trick. Follow my advice and this sorry beast will be doing thrice the work of one of Mr Brunel's infernal contraptions. The extra profits accrued from its increased efficiency, properly set aside, will be more than enough to buy a new animal when the current one's heart explodes. S.D. posted:Sir! Good sir! I require some sort of elixir or tincture for my goodly wife, to help tame the fire she has for the more swarthy (or dare I say, negroid) type of foreigner, and thus put said energy back into cooking my dinners post-haste. Sir, are the numerous signs both outside and within this establishment not enough for you? The one above this very counter for instance? Very well, maybe the written word is not your strong suit, I shall say this extremely slowly in case you are in possession of even more feeble a brain than you have so far demonstrated. Bring. All. Your. Women. To. This. Establishment. During. The. Hours. Of. Darkness. So. That. I. May. Examine. Them. In. My. Phrenology. Nook. Also bring some reading material as you will be waiting a goodly period of time, one cannot rush these things. And some manner of assistive walking apparatus for the journey home, a walking cane or possibly an invalid carriage. Phrenology is far more physically taxing than one would at first imagine, especially for the soft and pliable frame of the feebler sex. Oh and one more thing. If in a few months after the examination you should be blessed with a child with a prominent quintessentially English forehead, piercing dark grey eyes that seldom blink, subtle yet masculine chin, high cheekbones and thick bountiful eye brows and mutton chops, in short facial features that closely resemble my own, do not be alarmed. This is quite common, for such is my force of personality and mental prowess that women subjected to phrenological examination by myself while in the early stages of pregnancy are so impressed by the experience that their wombs involuntarily form their children to more closely resemble my good self. This is one of the advantages of an examination by J.B. Flumpwhistle and is given to you free, gratis and at no extra cost. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 00:28 on Apr 26, 2018 |
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Apr 26, 2018 00:12
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Skypie posted:Ah, the good sir Flumpwhistle, I am indeed glad to see your apothecary shop fares well. Perchance you recall me, I was an apprentice with the guild some years ago. I was quite astounded by not only your expertise with tinctures but your adept mastery of phrenology. Do forgive me, I have a habit of rambling a touch, sir. Let me arrive at my point. Ah yes I remember you Barmfold isn't it? I'm glad to see that time and Almondthorpe's pimple removal paste have been kind to you. What was it the other boys called you? Spotty spoddy oiky arse face, or some such nonsense, ah the wit of youth. Well well well, Barmbrough as I live and breathe. Thank you for your kind enquiries as to how I am keeping. These days, dear Balkchester, I find that I am better able to help a larger number of people by recognising the fine qualities in the produce of others and applying those fine qualities to the specific problems of my patrons. Alas the life of the merchant chemist keeps me away from the hunt for discoveries of my own. But enough self indulgence, let us turn to your problem. It seems to me that if you want success in your farming endeavour you should look to the example of The Empire. Why does the Englishman bestride India like a colossus? The caste system my dear fellow, raise the standard of living for one and he will keep his fellows in line for you. Put men from the Borders at the top of the hierarchy as they are nearly English anyway, then Edinburghers, Aberdonians et cetera all the way down to Glaswegians at the bottom, with your few Russians and any Catholics below them to fill the role of the untouchables. This system should run itself perfectly adequately even without any pharmaceutical encouragement, but we can go further still. There is a new tonic on the market, Worker's Joy by Hablerfold and Smink. It is quite extraordinary, the alertness of amphetamines and cocaine with the amenability of opium and cannabis, but the various mineral ingredients modify the effects. A man enjoying Worker's Joy has neither the slow wittedness of the opium fiend nor the irritability of the cocaine addict, and it is more habit forming that all of these drugs put together. A man will be completely dependent on Worker's Joy after as few as three doses, you will be able to pay your men with nothing more than a little food and some Worker's Joy. They will want to do nothing but work and indulge in the fine elixir you provide them with, if that isn't the "working class utopia" that Marx fellow has been blathering on about then I don't know what is. So my dear Barmforth, have I been of help?
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Apr 26, 2018 01:15
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Xenocides posted:Sir, I find myself in dire need of help. My wife’s sister and her heathen husband died many years ago and out of charity we took in their mentally ill and dangerously criminal son. We have taken to securing him in a locked room below the stairs. Mentally Ill and dangerously criminal you say? I'm sure I could take him off your hands, for a small administrative fee of course, I fancy myself somewhat of a philanthropist and like to help society's dregs better themselves through gainful employment. How is he with a knife? Ah, it matters not. Pillsbury will take him under his wing, if sir will pardon the pun, for a man who can barely read he is a surprisingly capable teacher. What is the boy's name?
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Apr 26, 2018 01:22
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BigBadSteve posted:Dear Professor Pumpwhistle, I indulge in acts of self pollution multiple times per day. I find my left hand drawn unavoidably to the stereoopticon, quickly followed by the right hand being drawn to my engorged member like magnetite to iron. Is there any hope for a foul wretch like me? Please advise. Egads it appears there is an epidemic of self abuse wreaking havoc in our sceptred isle. You are in luck my dear fellow, for this is our very last bottle of Reverend Wankering's disengorgement balm. I shall need to place a larger order next time. And it is Flumpwhistle sir, the Pumpwhistles are a notorious band of wastrels, apostates and miscegenators. free hubcaps posted:THIS MAN IS A CHARLATAN, DO NOT PURCHASE HIS WARES Sir, if I were you I should tread carefully. It will not serve you well to invite the ire of Jeddediah Bacchanaleus Flumpwhistle. Johny-on-the-Spot posted:I strongly disagree, and insist you stop this attack on J. B. Flumpwhistle's character. I admit I had my doubts, but assured myself this educated man could save my farm, and how! It does this old man's heart good to hear such fine praise sir. Alas I cannot be a party to the abomination you propose, an rear end running the derby? It is a beast of burden sir, that is its lot in life and to allow it to mix with its social betters would be unseemly in the eyes of The Lord, most unseemly. That God has rendered barren the abominable offspring of the horse and the rear end should tell you all you need to know. Would sir allow a Negro to become an olympian, or allow a Jew to practice theoretical physics? Perhaps sir wishes for a world where England plays a test match against an Indian cricket team at Lord's. For god's sake man, it's bad enough that we let the those convicts from the antipodes play. I fervently hope that I have helped Sir see the error of his ways. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 09:30 on Apr 26, 2018 |
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Apr 26, 2018 09:16
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Skypie posted:Oh indeed, sir, indeed. I had not considered the idea of a caste, but once again you prove yourself a learned scholar and all around gentleman. I shall try both this caste system and a few bottles of Worker's Joy. Ah, I always thought that Almondthorpe seemed a rum fellow, Blithers told me that he doesn't even beat his wife, it stands to reason that such slipshod slumliness would extend to his work. But my dear Bofflebrush, your neighbour girl, a Frenchman... It beggars belief. Perhaps I may be of assistance in examining this wanton hussy? Perhaps you could bring her to the metropolis where we could take turns examining her in my phrenology nook or maybe, dare I say it, indulge in a joint examination. Or if the city air disagrees with her I could always leave Pillsbury in charge for a few days and journey forth to the no doubt charming Bimbleforth estate. I trust you have some manner of nook or oubliette where we can conduct a thorough examination. Is there any good shooting to be had in your little corner of the empire? What say you Blavelshavel? Might I be allowed to assist you? Johny-on-the-Spot posted:It's all well that you won't be able to assist me with my derby aspirations, as it appear my rear end has gotten loose and is making messes all over town. I'm afraid I must make my departure, least anyone asks for reperations for the destruction my rear end has wrought. I only require your most potent hair tonic so that I can seek cover as a wolf-man in a circus sideshow. You need not take any measures so drastic as to go on the run. Firstly, if your rear end is in the rampage phase a pulmonary detonation is imminent. As to your neigbours, have you ever heard of Dibblethrid's foot marvel? It is a harmless topical corn relief lotion, harmless when applied to the skin that is. When ingested it causes the most harrowing seizures, waking nightmares of the most profound vividness and intensity. Simply pour a gallon into the local water supply and your neighbours will dismiss your crimson hell donkey as a figment of their besieged conciousness, once they regain their faculties of course. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 11:21 on Apr 26, 2018 |
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Apr 26, 2018 10:58
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Skypie posted:Oh, you honour me as always, dear Flumpwhistle. Indeed, my apothecary workshop is quite a secluded spot on the property. It is nestled in the woods where I shan't be bothered by some manner of nincompoop while I conduct my experiments. It also serves as a getaway from the ever-present stench of peat that seems to foul the air whenever an Irishman be near, and there are several Irish hands toiling away on the estate. Capital my dear Brisgristle. I shall prepare my phrenology bag. I am pleased to hear that we shall not be wanting for delicious fowl. Although if we are shooting for sport it seems a shame to pursue noble birds when there is an abundance of game of the red-headed papist variety, how amenable is your local constable to such diversions?
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Apr 26, 2018 11:28
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Skypie posted:I must confess, and I do expect you shall find this as abhorrent and treacherous as I do, that the local constable is married to an Irishwoman. In fact, there is a rumor he means to bring his mixed son into the police force when the abomination has reached adulthood. You poor fellow, the man you rely on for protection from the working classes and the foreigner is a scoundrel and a jackanape. I normally would not deign to be in the same vicinity of such a miscegenator, but the welfare of your neighbour girl is of the utmost importance. I shall make for your abode post haste, my dear Brombrumple. Xenocides posted:Recently a new neighbor moved in. I met Mr. Cunterblast and he seemed a fine fellow. I invited to dine with me last Friday and we had a fine meal but he appeared to abstain from eating meat as he covertly hid his meat under the other food on his plate. Alas, the catholic has such a gift for duplicity that no chemical test yet devised can discern him from the righteous protestant. I hesitate to suggest this, as their kind is the lowest of the low, but you might consider hiring a private detective to follow this Mr Cunterblast. Whatever you do, do not hire that Bounder Holmes, the man is a fiend, a nancy, a foul and venal worm of the worst kind. Of course a second thought occurs to me. This could all be, as things often are, the fault of a woman. Perhaps Mr Cunterblast found your wife's cooking unpalatable, maybe the meat in particular was so inedible that he was forced to commit subterfuge to preserve social decorum. Maybe invite him over again some time during the week, have your wife prepare the same meal, if he hides the meat again you will know that he is innocent, and that your wife is a terrible cook. If this is the case bring her to this Emporium after I close so that I might examine her for the source of her spitefulness in providing you with such an inadequate repast. Uncle at Nintendo posted:Master Flumpwhistle, I must inquire about something. How did you come to meet Sir Geoffrey Molleston? This is of utmost importance. Ah, dear Sir Geoffrey, we met at St. Buggering's school in Hertfordshire. Our friendship was forged on the cricket fields, he was the finest batsman on the team, I the best bowler. We were inseparable, I remember at that time Arbuthnall's Cigarettes came with cards depicting members of the Royal Family, we used to trade them with one another to try and complete our collections, although he only really seemed to be interested in the royal children, even then he was an eccentric. I remember one time, when we were prefects in the 5th form, I was about to throw one of the younger boys off the roof for expressing sympathy for the Irish (the glorious potato famine was in full swing at that time), Sir Geoffrey found me and used passages from scripture to convince me to let him take the boy to the storage room so as to convince him of the error of his ways. He always did have a way with words. He was also, even at such a young age, a budding philanthropist. He used to take the younger boys for long walks, deep in the woods, often naked so as better to commune with nature. I regret to say I was too busy sneaking off the grounds to canoodle with the village girls to join him. He would always take one boy under his wing, giving him presents, massaging him when he got a cramp, he would even let the young lad sleep in his bed with him so he wouldn't be so scared at night. When he felt that he had taught the boy all he could he would move on to another one. I would estimate that somewhere between thirty and fifty fine British men owe their positions in no small part to the mentorship they received from Sir Geoffrey while at St. Buggering's. We remained together after leaving school, we studied at Perv's college, Oxford together. He studied divinity, I studied Chemistry, in his spare time he ministered to children of the lower classes, I spent all my spare time impregnating my first wife and conducting phrenological examinations on local fallen women. After graduating we lost touch, he became a missionary, I joined the army to take revenge on the savages for the death of my beloved brother Obediah. Our paths crossed again in Rhodesia, he was endeavouring to bring the native children to Jesus, myself and Pillsbury were introducing their relatives to Jesus, or St. Peter at the very least. We met again years later in London at Doctor Hardcocke's impound for nincompoops, lunatics and frigid women. I was committing my fourth wife, he had brought a batch of 13 year olds who had reached the age where they could no longer attend his school for lackwit children. Although we had a professional relationship for several years prior to this meeting, I was one of the main drug suppliers for his school, due to our schedules business had never been conducted in person. We rekindled our relationship that day and have remained inseparable ever since.
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Apr 27, 2018 14:52
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fruit on the bottom posted:Do you recognize my face, monsieur? Expecting a true born Englishman to keep track of the number of Frenchmen who die by his hand is like expecting my dear departed Obediah to keep track of his illegitimate children. I may well have killed your father sir, but not if it involves setting foot in that rancid open sewer that passes for a capital city in your worthless country. Now remove your filth from this establishment at once sir, before I have you sealed in a crate and shipped to St. Helena. Xenocides posted:Did you close the store in honor of Whacking Day? I only close this establishment on the sabbath and during the various Protestant holidays Sir. Although I have had to leave the shop in the capable hands of Clemshore and Pillsbury for the last week or so. I have been in the country visiting with my an acquaintance of mine by the name of Bramvole, one of his neighbour girls recently allowed herself to be deflowered by a Frenchman. We had to examine her night and day in order to determine the source of her hysterical female afflictions. There was also some excellent shooting to be had on the Grimpen mire, which is not far from his ancestral home, I even managed to kill the legendary hell hound that used to stalk the area, although that miserable fiend Holmes somehow managed to claim the credit. No doubt that blasted doctor of his will be writing one of his nauseating hagiographies for The Strand magazine as we speak.
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May 3, 2018 22:38
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Mycroft Holmes posted:I find it interesting you seem to loathe my brother so, yet he has never mentioned you. A one sided rivalry, perhaps? I would be surprised if he could rouse himself from his opium addled stupor long enough to mention anything at all. I have no rivals Sir, only victims, which your brother shall find out to his cost should he ever again meddle in my affairs. Now why don't you waddle back to the Diogenes Club, you slothful, corpulent old gastropod.
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May 3, 2018 23:17
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Mycroft Holmes posted:Yes, I suppose I should retire to the exclusive club I founded that hosts numerous gentlemen of high society; wherein I regularly meet with members of Her Majestys government. Yes Sir, go and shovel plate after plate, piled high with every exotic dish known to man, with such rapidity that the flavours become indistinguishable from one another, into your slavering insatiable maw. All while bounders like Gladstone and Disraeli glance in your general direction with a mixture of pity and disgust. I much prefer the simple pleasures of the phrenology nook, where venal and libidinous women may be studied, their very souls laid bare before the unflinching eye of science.
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May 3, 2018 23:41
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Arrhythmia posted:So you gently caress them in the phrenology nook, right? Sir, and I use the term "Sir" advisedly, I will not be slandered in such a manner! These scurrilous rumours of any impropriety whatsoever taking place in the civilised and rarefied environs of my phrenology nook have not even the merest shred of a scintilla of a basis in reality. It is one of the most fundamental tenets of phrenology that an examination must take place with both parties nude as God intended, the suggestion that there is anything untoward in this arrangement is would be laughable were it not so mortifyingly libellous. You may expect a communication from my solicitors; Crumpkin, Vadgemore & Surpluss in your very immediate future. PILLSBURY! Show this guttersnipe into the street where he belongs, flag down a constable and explain that this creature has breached the rude and impertinent utterances act, more specifically that he has used the germanic term for fornication. I am most sorry that your ears have been assaulted with such excrement ladies and gentlemen, if any of the gentle womenfolk present feel themselves likely to faint they should please feel free to retire to my phrenology nook where I shall attend to them presently, free of charge of course. Xenocides posted:I am having trouble respecting the queen due to her inferior gender. Is there some way to resolve this contradiction? I see that Sir did not attend public school. Let me relay to Sir something that is common knowledge among the upper echelons of society. As the British sovereign, Her Majesty is Christ's foremost representative on earth. The circumstances of gender, while of great import in the lives of mere mortals such as we, are of infinitesimal significance if the face of such grandeur. Conch Shell Corp posted:do you have any tinctures for itchy scrot? also, do you have a horse that specializes in kicking retards in the head? Uncle Jim hasn't been the same since the stable accident years ago, and maybe if ankther horse kicks him in the head it'll all get knocked back into place! thank you and God bless For Sir's indelicate area may I suggest Vermbrard's Estrogen and Nicotine rub, now with added mercury. It is guaranteed to ease even the most trying of testicular discomforts. Alas when it comes to your unfortunate uncle, I fear to tell Sir that the principle of the hair of the dog that bit you (or shoe of the horse that kicked you in this case) is little more than an old wive's tale, an ignorant superstition of the peasantry. Fortunately salvation is at hand in the form of Campston's Embrainment cigarillos, between one and 3 packs per day depending on his level of retardation. If his affliction has progressed to reading the Manchester Guardian and voicing support for the sufferagettes he is beyond help, in such cases a trip to Dr. Hardcocke's Impound for Lunatics, Nincompoops and Frigid Women is probably the best thing for all concerned. Nessus posted:Mme Coote wishes to know if you'll be coming to the floggery for the bacchanal the Pokinghams are putting on. Also if you've got the supply order for the girls' school sorted yet. I've told you a thousand times before Spavins, you dolt, such things are to be discussed in my office, not in front of customers. You are fortunate that there is nobody in earshot or I would suggest to Mme Coote that you be placed on lick-up duty for tonight's festivities. Everything is in order with the supplies, please relay to your mistress that I shall be bringing 3 extra tubs of Ahab's whale based lubricant, things got awfully dry towards the end last time. Nigmaetcetera posted:In the years I've been using your cocainated-heroin rectal suppositories (and haschisch-infused lubricant), my life has changed for the better in more ways than I can count , but that won't stop me from trying: my Gypsy-Knee has cleared up almost completely, my Negro's-Slouch is significantly improved, and best of all I've stopped falling asleep during church and have stopped reading newspapers sympathetic towards trade unionists entirely. However, I find that if the dosage is not semi-regularly increased, the benefits begin to wane, which brings me to my current conundrum: my rectum is of insufficient size for the dozens upon dozens of suppositories I must use daily, regardless of how many tubes of lubricant I use. There must exist exercises to increase the organ's volume, devices to forcibly expand it, or even a surgery that would accomplish either of these goals. Additionally, a Fellow from The Royal Society I met playing snooker suggested that suppositories might be developed with a greater concentration of their active constituents. I assumed this gentleman to be a typical Royal Society oocephalus, his bald, bespectacled head constantly floating amongst the clouds of possibility, ignoring the solid ground of actuality. Still, I felt it best to broach all possibilities. I am interested in whatever you feel would be the best solution to my problem. A more concentrated suppository, oh my my what a hoot, these so called academics really are the most frightful dullards. The solution lies not in a higher concentration but in a larger suppository, Felchingham's Super-Jumbo-Enormo Suppositories, or "the rugger balls" to use Pillsbury's rather amusing colloquialism. Of course sir could not be expected to accommodate such a monolithic item without help, and such help comes in the form of Viscount Goatsley's rectal enloosenment balm, a stout pair of Felchingham's patented anal separation calipers and Professor Popperton's intestinal dilation smelling salts. Three suppositories taken five times a day should be sufficient for at least the next couple of years until Sir finds he needs to up the dosage. Jose posted:i fancy spending my 3 day weekend in a pleasant haze If Sir fancies a novelty might I suggest Barksdale's smokable cocaine, it's a riotously enjoyable new spin on the more conventional intravenous cocaine, and not the least bit habit forming! Waffle House posted:Alum, alum, alum, I need a refill on Alum. Clemshore! Alum! If Sir would please follow my capable assistant. I let him deal with anything to do with alum, he's completely fascinated by the stuff for some reason, and it does so brighten the place so see that dull witted grin of his. Somfin posted:My daughter reads novels. How can I fix this problem? Before taking drastic measures Sir should take steps to reassure himself that she is not simply looking at the pictures or using novels as makeshift fans on hot days, Sir might also consider that the Bible may resemble one of the larger novels when viewed from a distance. If she is dabbling in literature Sir should take the following steps, first give her Reverend Wankering's Counter-Lesbianism syrup three times a day, if she indulges in one activity reserved for men she may well be interested in others. Second, during her monthly unpleasantness Sir should provide her with Maxiflap's disenlightenment sanitary napkins, they contain a powerful personality modifier that is absorbed through the skin, she will be doing embroidery and looking for a husband in no time. Third and by far the most important, bring her to this very establishment during the hours of darkness so that I may examine her thoroughly in my phrenology nook. Nooner posted:an A+ thread (: Crandlesham's brandy substitute, it contains methanol, a chemically similar but non addictive alternative to alcoholic beverages, start by drinking it in the same quantities as you usually indulge in, and then slowly reduce the dose. You should have completely weaned yourself off of the demon drink within about 6 months. S.D. posted:Spirits as in The Devil's Drink, or spirits as in the supernatural? Because I need something for the latter - specifically the ghosts of the dead chimney sweeps rattling in the walls of my domicile. Sir the only spirit I believe in is the holy spirit. The chimney sweeps you speak of are still alive and are by now completely beyond saving, have a man climb on to your roof and flush out your chimneys from above with Greamley's Corrodolmax, it's more commonly used as an industrial drain de-clogging agent but should serve you quite well for this particular eventuality. You should put down some corrosion proofed canvas around your fireplaces in preparation for the violently acidic ichor that will spew forth.
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May 5, 2018 00:33
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Somfin posted:Thank you, J. B. Flumpwhistle. A steady diet of beef and porridge is a good start, and upon this firm basis we shall build our colossus. Amphetamines, extract of chimpanzee gland and lashings of cocaine. And for the love of god take the boy hunting! Have him shoot to maim, the kill itself has to be made bare handed, he needs to stare into the eyes as the life is extinguished. If that lad can learn the heady thrill of exterminating one of god's creatures you'll make a man of him in no time. As for this dalliance with the gypsy girl, an afternoon with one of Whitechapel's buxom strumpets should make him forget all about it. Honky Dong Country posted:Dear Old Timey Chemist, There are no shenanigans in snake oil sir, although you should not administer it to your sinuses unless you wish your nose to grow as thick, rigid and veiny as a longshoreman's forearm. If sir will excuse this old man his little jokes, ho ho. For sinus complaints I always prescribe Bloffam's Parafinated radium and bromine oil, passed back and forth from nostril to nostril via the sinuses using Doctor Smallbottom's patented two syringe technique. As for these "ghosts" in your blood, brain and heart, while there is no such thing as ghosts I fear you may have some kind of blood enfeeblement, it just so happens that I have just taken delivery of a brand new Professor Gulpuent blood filtration device, which you may have the use of for just nineteen guineas. Your blood is passed from your right jugular vein, through the immaculate lead pipework to the revolutionary asbestos filter where it is thoroughly scrubbed of all pollutants and impurities, before being returned to the body through the left femural artery. We shall have you good as new in no time Sir, Huzzah for the wonders of British science!
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May 5, 2018 02:56
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a gay lion named Tangiers posted:My good Mr Flumpwhistle, I am in desperate need of your services. Some recent experiments in the chemical and even alchemical sciences have borne fruit and I have brought Life to what was once dead. Unfortunately I had to make the Creature overly large due to inadequate tools, and it appears that human flesh retains a ghastly colour even after Reinvigoration. You shall have no help from me sir, we do not gladly suffer abominations before The Lord in this establishment. alpaca diseases posted:Mr Flumpwhistle, Mr Flumpwhistle! Of course I have daughters you lumpen oaf. The Lord afflicts us with daughters in order to build strength of character. I don't mention them because they are all either married or in Dr. Hardcocke's impound, in either case they are no longer any concern of mine. A few of the younger ones are currently attending Miss Busybodice's Academy for excellence in the fields of embroidery and dress wearing. For an extra fee they very kindly keep the girls during the holidays, an exemplary arrangement for all concerned. Also the date on this document reads 1737, and the father's name reads J.P. Flumpfwessel, dear oh dear the record keepers were certainly prone to spelling mistakes in those days weren't they. This is my Great Aunt's birth certificate you pox addled ignoramus. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 17:10 on May 6, 2018 |
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May 6, 2018 17:02
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