jazzyhattrick posted:

Ladies, Gentlemen, the Irish and other lower races. It is my most sincere and genuine honour to welcome you to the finest chemist in all of London; J.B Flumpwhistle & Sons, purveyors of unguents salves and tinctures to Her Majesty Queen Victoria. Our curatives are unmatched anywhere in the empire, may my mutton chops be dashed from my face and my moustache be struck waxless should I tell a lie.

Perhaps your little one suffers from factory urchin's lung, for only 5 shillings and sixpence I shall provide you with Dr. Chalrymple's Children's Herocaine tonic. The gentle infusion of Heroin and Cocaine is specially formulated to be gentle on even the most malnourished and polio riddled infant, a quick swig and they'll be back at the armaments works building rifles to destroy godless savages in no time.

Maybe you have some manner of perversion, perhaps you have designs on animals, foreigners or, worst of all, other men. Fear not gentle patron, for to the rescue comes Reverend Wankering's disengorgement balm. This miraculous concoction of mercury, lead and the finest and purest radium will render your member both impervious and oblivious to even the most buxom and sultry of Whitechapel's harlots and strumpets.

Speaking of which, are you a lady of the night? Perhaps you are concerned that you may be the next to fall victim to old Jack's grizzly workings. Fear not my dear fallen ladies for the solution lies in Professor Smodt's anti murder perfume. It is a little known fact that the degenerate female slayer has an olfactory system quite unlike our own and this difference may be exploited. The formulation of ox musk, tamarind and powdered black rhino horn will flummox even the most determined womb collector while at the same time leaving honest patrons unperturbed. All yours for just 17 shillings, expensive perhaps, but no price is too high to pay for safety. Should you find yourself without the cash on hand at present simply step into the more discrete settings of my phrenology nook where we can discuss other arrangements.

All these miracles of modern British medical science, and many others can be yours for prices affordable to even the most destitute opium addled wastrel, not that I would allow such people in my establishment of course. So gentle patrons, come one come all, tell me of your ailments so that I may sell to you your salvation.