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A bartender walks into a bar and changes a lightbulb. |
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May 21, 2018 14:44
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| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 18:49 |
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A Democrat, a Republican and an Independant die and go to heaven and St. Peter says "do any of you know how to change a lightbulb?" |
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May 21, 2018 14:46
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"Knock-knock" "Who's there?" "Very funny, you asked me to change your drat lightbulb now open up!" |
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May 21, 2018 14:47
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A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby and the bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Insulted, she walks toward the back and takes a seat. The person sitting next to her says "you're not going to let the bus driver get away with that, are you? Go on and tell him off, I'll hold that big ugly light bulb for you!" |
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May 21, 2018 14:53
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Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to lightbulb a lightbulb? A: Orange you glad the Sun is still out! https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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May 21, 2018 18:08
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Me holding an old-fashioned telephone in my one hand screaming knock-knock jokes at the receiver in my other hand |
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May 22, 2018 18:35
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One of my top ten favorite things about airline food is... |
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May 22, 2018 18:36
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A blonde professor is giving a dissertation when one of her students interrupts her by waving his hand wildly in the air. Annoyed, she calls upon the disruptive student. "Aren't you suposed to be like, not smart because you're blonde?" the student asked. The professor looked at the source of the question, and in a flash a light of recognition dawned in her eyes. "You're that 'Bad Johnny' kid, aren't you? You better watch your mouth in MY class, kid- i'll fail you in a heartbeat!" Bad Johnny sat down, chagrined. Life was better when it was all fun and games. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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May 29, 2018 14:46
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Manifisto posted:a guy named Nate had just launched into an extended joke involving a talking snake. suddenly a bystander, who had heard this joke before, grabbed a nearby lever and beat Nate unconscious with it. horrified, the others asked why the bystander had committed this brutal act of violence. "because Nate is a fascist," the bystander said. "also his so-called joke is intentionally overly long and quite unfunny to boot." https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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May 29, 2018 18:03
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This guy fell asleep in a canoe, right? And he was dreaming about Venus, you heard this one before? I think he was from Nantucket, too. Or Peru, I forgot which. So yeah... he flipped on a switch and off he shot like a rocket! Have a good night, everyone!
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Jun 1, 2018 00:38
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...so the guy rubs the genie lamp and the genie says "you get three wishes" and the guy says "ok, beat me half to death!" And the genie tells him about how he wasn't paid up on his health care and it wasn't a wise decision on his part and the genie told him the answer to life wasn't projecting your inner hate upon your fellow man, it was about controlling your selfish desires to harmoniously coexist with everyone else so the guy has a deep, introspective look inside himself and realised he was a mean, petty selfish man who was a a bigot and a racist, but it was never too late to change. "I want all those people to come back, happy and rich; and I want to live a long life, so that I can repay society for every day I spent as selfish and mean with an entire month of humble gratitude. I want to end my days helping my fellow man, no matter the race, color or creed- and I vow to make a difference in my world!" The genie, pleased with the changes in this once small and petty human being gave him all he had wished for, and more- and the world was indeed a happy place, devoid of racism and bigotry and everyone dwelled in harmony until as one, they reached Enlightenment and vanished as they ventured forth to ignite the stars... |
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Jun 4, 2018 21:16
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...the woman orders another drink but when the bartender and the other male patrons at the bar saw what was happening they huddled together and quickly realized this stranger had a substance abuse problem so they unanimously agreed to call her a cab and made sure she got home safely. The bartender slipped a business card with the contact info for where a local AA group could be reached was inside her coat pocket where it could be found easily. The woman never frequented the bar scene again, she found the business card in her pocket, called the number listed, joined AA and has been clean and sober for 6 years. Along the way she met a nice woman who had a similar background of substance abuse and they became romantically involved. One thing lead to another and the two of them got married and started a counselling clinic for women seeking to rehabilitate themselves, where they have successfully helped over 50 women get their lives back. Pot Smoke Phoenix fucked around with this message at 18:44 on Jun 5, 2018 |
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Jun 5, 2018 18:33
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"Yeah, yeah, yeah- the water's cold, the water's deep BUT I CANNOT FIND A PAIR OF PANTS THAT FIT!" |
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Jun 5, 2018 18:37
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The next day the travelling salesman tells the farmer he's not shoving any fruit up his rear end or getting a shotgun wedding or anything crazy like that because his ding dong had got shot off in the war so it didn't happen, he didn't sleep with her, his daughter just has a healthy sexual appetite and he should just get over it and let her get out more and date after a visit with Planned Parenthood for the proper education and birth control and the prevention for the spread of STDs. Then the salesman then figures out what was wrong with his car, starts it and then drives off. I don't think he sold anything to the farmer either, although he did pass a drunk guy on the side of the road with a handful of poo poo, which was presented to the passing salesman at the end of his outstretched arm as he yelled out, "HEY! LOOK WHAT I ALMOST STEPPED IN!" |
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Jun 17, 2018 03:59
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| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 18:49 |
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Your Momma so Your momma so nice everyone hangs out at YOUR house and you have the coolest friends Your momma so svelte and in such great shape other kid's mommas seek her out for health & fitness tips, which is also why yo momma so nice and you also have so many friends Yo momma so good at raising kids you're one of the best people I've ever met and I'm glad I know you and you're my friend Yo momma so pretty I have to avert my gaze (because she's so nice, you're my friend, and my own mother wouldn't want to lose your momma as a friend because I looked at her inappropriately so in the end she makes me be a better person) Yo momma so smart she gets nominated for the Nobel out of habit (but since she's so humble she'd never accept it and is grateful for the nomination) Yo momma always gets the biggest piece of chicken https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Jun 28, 2018 17:25
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