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Russia hosts this world cup.   In light of the above, Russia gets to send Russian (including one Brazilian, plus the team could have included up to two Germans) players to play at the Coca Cola(tm) FIFA World Cup Russia 2018 world cup that Russia hosts.  Hmm, this doesn't seem quite right.  Theяе. Who the gently caress are these people? They're bad. Those who could, under an extremely specific set of circumstances, show an occasional flash of being not poo poo, will have their name highlighted in semibold italic. Don't expect it to happen at this world cup, however, for this is the second weakest Russia team to have graced the Earth since the collapse of the USSR, largely due to the manager being phenomenally bad. You Belges think Martinez is bad (he is)? You Italians thought Ventura was bad (he was)? You haven't seen bad. But I digress. Goalkeepers: Igor Akinfeev, CSKA Moscow (Rus) The first choice and the likely captain. He tends to be elite level in unimportant matches and poo poo the bed in highly important matches, which is partially how Capello's Russia failed to get out of the group stage in 2014. Sometimes he won't poo poo the bed in a highly important match. Sometimes he'll have a random game where he'll be able to save figuratively every shot no matter how hard, and the game can be of any level of importance, which is why he is the first choice. Holds the record for conceding goals in the most Champions League games in a row at 50-something games between 2006 and 2017. Andrey Lunev, Zenit St. Petersburg (Rus) It should actually be "Lunyov". As per the decade-long tradition, he, as Zenit's current first keeper, is also the national team's second choice keeper behind Akinfeev. He's more stable and is less likely to poo poo the bed in a highly important match, but he won't have random brilliant matches and he won't be yelling hard enough at the defense, so he's the second choice. Vladimir Gabulov, Brugge (Bel) Last I checked he was slightly above average. Belges can correct me on how he was at Brugge, I don't follow the Belgian league for reasons that I trust require no extensive explanation. He shouldn't start unless something disastrous happens. Defenders: Fedor Kudryashov, Rubin Kazan (Rus) A bad player who, hopefully, won't start. If he does, he will poo poo the bed. Vladimir Granat, Rubin Kazan (Rus) A slightly less bad player who will probably start because he's slightly less bad than the other centrebacks. Still bad.\ Sergey Ignashevich, CSKA Moscow (Rus) So, he's still playing. Yeah. He's 38. He retired from the national team some time back, but a garbageman noname centreback named Ruslan Kambolov got injured so he agreed to join Russia for the world cup in Russia. He knows what he's doing, but he's too slow to keep up with anyone (although at least he knows it, unlike the other garbagemen). Ilya Kutepov, Spartak Moscow (Rus) What the gently caress is this, a Russian defender under the age of 28? Yes. He's also a centreback and I assume he'll be starting with Ignashevich. Andrey Semenov, Akhmat Grozny (The Chechen Emirate) A bad player who, hopefully, won't start. If he does, he will poo poo the bed. Igor Smolnikov, Zenit St. Petersburg (Rus) He used to be an extremely good right-back, but he got severely injured and never fully recovered, so now he's below average. He can't cross for poo poo. Still, he has occasional flashes of his former self. Mario Fernandes, CSKA Moscow (Rus) It finally happened and Russia has a Brazilian. He plays a right-back and is not actually bad most of the time. I'm not sure he speaks Russian, but he's been here for 10 years, so he had to pick up at least some language. Midfielders: Yuri Zhirkov, Zenit St. Petersburg (Rus) So, he's still playing. Yeah. He's 34. He knows what he's doing, but he's no longer able to maintain the pace for an entire game (although at least he knows it, unlike the other garbagemen). Alan Dzagoev, CSKA Moscow (Rus) The guy started playing for the national team when he was 17 and he should've become a big loving deal. Instead, he chose to stay at CSKA, where Certified Good Manager Leonid Slutsky decided to use him as a defensive midfielder (which he is not). Now he's above average, making him one of the best players in Russia at the moment. I have no loving idea if he will start because Cherchesov is an unpredictable arrogant lunatic when it comes to squad choice. You'd think that someone who's sane in general wouldn't be insane at work... okay, moving on Aleksandr Samedov, Spartak Moscow (Rus) A right winger of Azeri origin who, I believe, has played for every single club in Moscow, including one now-defunct club. He's average and always has been average and by now he will never not be average. He's the only player in the squad who knows what a cross is, but it doesn't help much. Aleksandr Golovin, CSKA Moscow (Rus) The best player in Russia at the moment. Period. Aleksandr Yerokhin, Zenit St. Petersburg (Rus) A bad player who, hopefully, won't start. If he does, he will poo poo the bed. He has the unique ability to make all the right calls and then proceed to fail to make a pass. Denis Cheryshev, Villarreal (Esp) I don't follow Villarreal and this is the first proper tournament where Cheryshev isn't injured, but he is a regular starter in a mid-level Spanish team, so I assume that makes him better than most of the rest of the garbagemen. Roman Zobnin, Spartak Moscow (Rus) A bad player who, hopefully, won't start. If he does, he will poo poo the bed. He used to be promising. He still is promising at 24. Yuri Gazinsky, Krasnodar (Rus) A bad player who, hopefully, won't start. If he does, he will poo poo the bed. Daler Kyzuaev, Zenit St. Petersburg (Rus) A good player who, hopefully, will start. The revelation of the latest season and the best thing to come out of Mancini's year at Zenit. He's a solid all-round player who can play pretty much everywhere in the midfield. Anton Miranchuk, Lokomotiv Moscow (Rus) The less talented of the Miranchuk twins. He won't start. Strikers DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NO loving WAY OF KNOWING WHICH ONE OF THE THREE WILL START Fyodor Smolov, Krasnodar (Rus) He used to be bad and now he's not bad. Right now that Kokorin, who got good through Mancini's weird necromancy, is injured, Smolov is by far the best striker that Russia has. With that said, I have no idea if he will start. Artyom Dzyuba, Arsenal Tula on loan from Zenit St. Petersburg (Rus) Mancini didn't like the big guy. He's been not very good (albeit not completely bad) ever since Andre Villas-Boas left Zenit a couple years ago. I have no idea whether he will be good here, but he knows what to do with the ball, a rare quality. Aleksei Miranchuk, Lokomotiv Moscow (Rus) The more talented of the Miranchuk twins. He might start. The Manager  loving hell, where do I start. Russia has no manager. This man changes 2/3 of the line-up every single match. What the gently caress he's doing I cannot know. He has the lowest win percentage out of all Russia managers ever, with a whopping 19%. He lost to Austria and he lost to Qatar. gently caress everything. How can a former goalkeeper with Spartak Moscow, Dinamo Moscow, and Legia DNA be allowed to manage a loving national team is beyond my comprehension. He is the singular reason why Russia will fail miserably. -------- Whether this team has a chance of qualifying depends on one man, and one man alone. His name is Mohamed Salah. If he plays, Russia will lose to Egypt and fail to qualify with one point after a spectacular draw in a glorious battle with the mighty Saudi Arabia. If Salah stays injured or doesn't recover to play properly, then Russia has a chance against Egypt. Russia won't beat Uruguay. -------- This post has been brought to you by an actual Russian who lives in St. Petersburg and will experience all the minor inconveniences of the tournament up to the third place game with his own rear end. nutri_void fucked around with this message at 15:08 on Jun 3, 2018 |
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Jun 3, 2018 14:53
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I hope Russia is hugely embarrassed and completely destroyed and I hope they dope up hard turbo hard like no amount of doping will prevent them from being genetically predisposed evil dour Russians.
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Jun 3, 2018 15:09
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I hope someone rigged the tournament so that Russia gets to the semis and everyone gets mad.
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Jun 3, 2018 16:03
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POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tin
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Jun 3, 2018 16:44
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How dare you insult the best Legia manager in modern times. By the strength of his sheer willpower alone and by yelling "kurwa!" a lot, Saint Stanislav saved a losing season and coached those lazy fuckers to their first CL qualification in 20 years. You fuckers paid him a shitload of money to leave us, everyone here wanted him to stay. He's done more for Polish-Russian reconciliation than anyone else since World War II. I hope you lose every game and Stan comes back to lead Legia to the promised land.
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Jun 3, 2018 18:20
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He's won 5 games out of 19 and has been given a target to reach the semi-finals of the World Cup. lmao how the gently caress has this guy not been polonoium'ed yet in this era of outright russian poisonings and manager sackings for losing a single game even though you win 3 consuective champions league titles Does Russia seriously have no better options? God drat.
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Jun 3, 2018 18:30
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Russia should just have paid Guus Hiddink whatever he wanted to come back to them.
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Jun 3, 2018 18:31
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go russia my third best team
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Jun 3, 2018 18:41
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I haven't heard of most of the players in the op. Most of them sound old and fail?
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Jun 3, 2018 19:54
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shut up blegum posted:I haven't heard of most of the players in the op. Most of them sound old and fail? It's just fail for the most part, the old generation, apart from Ignashevich and Zhirkov (who are both competent enough to know their limits), is finally gone mackintosh posted:How dare you insult the best Legia manager in modern times. By the strength of his sheer willpower alone and by yelling "kurwa!" a lot, Saint Stanislav saved a losing season and coached those lazy fuckers to their first CL qualification in 20 years. You fuckers paid him a shitload of money to leave us, everyone here wanted him to stay. He's done more for Polish-Russian reconciliation than anyone else since World War II. Funny, everybody here also wants him to come back to Legia
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Jun 3, 2018 21:09
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Should've fired him couple of weeks ago then, we had an opening. Seriously though, the golden generation is done. I'm surprised he took the post to begin with. Job description had scapegoat written all over it. I do appreciate the allure and honour of managing Sborna, a once in a lifetime opportunity and so on, but you can only get so much traction out of that team. I doubt anyone else would do any better. Then again, maybe his success with Legia (and make no mistake, he achieved the impossible all things considered) sent his ego into overdrive.
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Jun 3, 2018 21:25
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I'd be surprised if he wasn't literally scared for his life knowing that all Russians are murderous drunken thugs with zero compassion for human life.
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Jun 3, 2018 21:31
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I'm still bitter about Russia playing their best game in the history of Russian football vs us (Holland)
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Jun 3, 2018 21:33
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I like Russia and St. Petersburg is an amazing city but lol the Russian team is so bad
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Jun 3, 2018 22:43
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Lukashenko's looking rough these days OP, what's the over/under on the racisms that the Russian team will commit during the World Cup
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Jun 3, 2018 22:56
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good op op looking forward to smolov missing some epic sitters and ignashevich attempting to shoot from 35 yards out
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Jun 4, 2018 14:40
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curried lamb of God posted:Lukashenko's looking rough these days The Russian team is extremely unlikely to commit any racisms. Russian everyone else, on the other hand...
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Jun 4, 2018 17:11
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Russia will definitely get bribed to at least the quarter finals
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Jun 4, 2018 17:19
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vyelkin posted:I like Russia and St. Petersburg is an amazing city but lol the Russian team is so bad What is amazing about it
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Jun 4, 2018 21:32
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poty posted:What is amazing about it I was about to say "women" but then I caught myself realizing that all of mine were from somewhere else, so The exquisite way it manages to still be Eastern European brownish gray despite all the conscious effort that was put into ensuring that it had some color
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Jun 4, 2018 21:49
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poty posted:What is amazing about it Nice architecture, good museums, cool sights to see, pedestrian-friendly, cheap as hell if you get paid in a proper currency
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Jun 4, 2018 22:57
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Mario Fernandes used to play for the team I support back in Brazil. He was pretty good. He even got a shot at playing for Brazil but then he had a freakout and asked to leave before the game. He also ran away when he was 18 after getting called up to Grmio's professional team. A weird dude. Hopefully he gets to play instead of having a panic attack or whatever.
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Jun 5, 2018 17:41
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I just arrived home at half time of the Turkey game Let's see how bad it is E: the commentator just said that today's goal was the first shot on goal in two games (I didn't see the match against Austria either) wtf
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Jun 5, 2018 18:05
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lmao smolov
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Jun 5, 2018 18:33
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vyelkin posted:Nice architecture, good museums, cool sights to see, pedestrian-friendly, cheap as hell if you get paid in a proper currency Is it safe? Years of watching videos of dashcam car accidents and mafia movies have left their mark on me
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Jun 5, 2018 18:45
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Well that was dreadful. I'm no longer confident we can even beat Saudi Arabia.poty posted:Is it safe? Years of watching videos of dashcam car accidents and mafia movies have left their mark on me It's safer than most other places. Unless you're visibly gay, in which case it's very much unsafe
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Jun 5, 2018 18:57
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That was slightly better than expected
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Jun 14, 2018 18:12
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i am now proper HYPE and ready for a big letdown against Egypt ironic that permacrocked but talented dzagoev gave way to a similar permacrocked but talented cheryshev, who was great on the flank smolov needs to play simpler, way too many easy turnovers just trying for too much on a simple hold up or throughballs zobnin was deceptively not great, quite a few cheap give aways in mid, gazinksy was great and Ol Men Zhirkov and Ignashevich still got game also, golovin's transfer price just went up a cool 10mil vivisectvnv fucked around with this message at 03:26 on Jun 15, 2018 |
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Jun 14, 2018 18:19
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If Russia get out of the groups then Golovin is going to be the next big signing in Europe that totally fails to live up to expectations. He looked really on today though.
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Jun 14, 2018 18:34
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Gigi Galli posted:If Russia get out of the groups then Golovin is going to be the next big signing in Europe that totally fails to live up to expectations. golovin has a chance to be something special and he isnt a total nutter like arshavin, so isnt going to mind ridding the bench before properly breaking in at a proper club juve supposedly had a 20mil almost done before yesterday
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Jun 14, 2018 18:49
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I like how outdoorsy Russians are and the places along the embankment and krestovsky ostrov and marschrutki and playing pool at pik on sadovaya and goldeneye and club ob'ekt and Dom byta and the tube is excellent and cheap. big Russia fan here op. plus they are always playing footy and getting their kit off and drinking beer in the banya and the girls don't wear bras if they're under a c cup and the metro is buried so deep you can get to third base on the escalator if the guy likes you
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Jun 14, 2018 23:57
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that was the greatest opening game I've ever seen. the best bit was goal two. I also think it was a penALty
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Jun 14, 2018 23:59
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Jun 15, 2018 03:23
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dzagoev out for the group stages blessing in disguise really, golovin looks so much better centrally/behind the striker and there was no way cherchesov was going to put him there if dzagoev was available
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Jun 18, 2018 17:54
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I take everything back about Saint Stanislav Mackintosh you were right
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Jun 19, 2018 20:21
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Oh ye of little faith. Best manager we've had in 20 years. I love him and miss him dearly.
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Jun 19, 2018 20:53
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dzyuba in peak 15-16 Zenit form jesus christ zobnin was either fantastic or giving up possession idiotically, gazinsky was very solid again gotta give it to the back 4 once again, especially zhrikov and fernandes
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Jun 19, 2018 21:28
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russia good??????
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Jun 19, 2018 22:59
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Lmao the oligarchs bought the results huh.
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Jun 20, 2018 13:07
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Plutonis posted:Lmao the oligarchs bought the results huh. cool edgy joke dude so funny
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Jun 20, 2018 14:58
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