|
Dateline: LONDON, JUNE 2021 As Euro 2020 approaches, we learned to our horror that only 75% of the reporters could devote their time to the England team, things the England team may have eaten, things the wives of England players tweeted, and the fact that Gareth Southgate likes to wear a waistcoat while managing. We, of course, protested, pointing out that Good Morning Britain would almost certainly be devoting a full 90% of their coverage for the duration of the tournament to things the England team has eaten, things their wives tweeted, and Gareth Southgate’s exciting decision not to wear a puffer jacket to manage a football team in the year 2021, not to mention providing a range of exciting vox-pops from Kevin in Hartlepool, who doesn’t normally watch football but who does understand in his heart that players who sing extremely loudly will outshine players who rely on petty trivialities such as technical skill and tactical nous. Ultimately, though, we were informed that there was a physical limit on the number of football reporters who could be present in a room at the same time to ask Southgate cutting questions about what colour shoes he intends to wear for the next game and whether he thinks that winning a trophy is better than not winning a trophy. As such, we drew straws, and I was told that I’d have to research England’s Group D opponents Scotland. I was initially filled with horror, imagining literal hours of doing the kind of basic journalistic research that you’d expect from a grown adult, perhaps that they would also do while being a comic book superhero, instead of just writing articles about which hashtags are trending right now on Twitter or running articles from La Gazzetta dello Sport through Google Translate. Luckily, I was able to discover a big box full of unused Alba Party press releases, as well as Scots Wikipedia, which while initially just resembling the emails my dad would send me after his stroke (save any explicit reference to “the blacks” and which parts of town I should avoid), actually turns out to be an exciting ongoing project maintained by four Swiss linguistics students, as part of their 'It’s No Just A Dialect, Mam, It’s No!' scheme. 1. What Is A Scotland? Scotland, meaning ‘Land Of The Scots’, is a crown dependency situated between England and Norway, famous for TV detective Jim Taggart, shortbread, poverty tourism, and the 2014 visit of former Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg in response to local unrest. While of course your average hardworking man-on-the-street may quite reasonably think of Scotland and imagine rows of sporran-wearing pipers shouting incomprehensible abuse at a loch while in the throws of opiate withdrawal, this is in many cases now considered somewhat stereotypical and outdated, with a significant number of Scots having now switched to high-strength benzodiazepines.  always test your bars first 2. Why Is This Happening The Scottish Fitba/Fitbaa/Fitbaw Team (Scots Wikipedia uses all three interchangeably, sometimes on the same page, because it is definitely a real language) last appeared at a major tournament back in 1998, when I enjoyed this sport unironically, even scoring against Brazil after someone yelled “John Collins!” and Garrincha thought that meant that it was half-time already, but have struggled somewhat in the loving-hell-it's-been-23-years since, brightened up by a few world-class performances and good results where they bravely fought from 2-0 down to draw with the Faroe Islands, and were only narrowly beaten by Georgia The Country. However, times have changed for Scottish Fitbax, thanks to UEFA’s Charlie Bucket scheme, allowing four unloved teams with a single defining character flaw to be placed into the tournament, primarily for the amusement of spiteful dwarves. Enter stage left: Hungary, Slovakia, Scotland, and North Macedonia. Reasons for this include “for bants” and “if they were in CONCACAF they’d still qualify every loving year”. 3. Will This Mean They’ll Move Emmerdale? Scotland are scheduled to beat England 1-0 in the literal worst game of football you’ve ever seen, scoring from a corner that Jordan Pickford inexplicably runs 30 yards for and deflects in off someone’s knee, set in between defeats to the Czech Republic and Croatia, bravely going out on goals scored in a mini-table.  4. Is Colin Hendry Still Playing? Goalkeepers: Craig Gordon (Heart of Midlothian), David Marshall (Derby County), Jon McLaughlin (Rangers) Defenders: Liam Cooper (Leeds United), Declan Gallagher (Motherwell), Grant Hanley (Norwich City), Jack Hendry (KV Oostende), Scott McKenna (Nottingham Forrest), Stephen O'Donnell (Motherwell), Nathan Patterson (Rangers), Andy Robertson (Liverpool), Greg Taylor (Celtic), Kieran Tierney (Arsenal) Midfielders: Stuart Armstrong (Southampton), Ryan Christie (Celtic), John Fleck (Sheffield United), Billy Gilmour (Chelsea), John McGinn (Aston Villa), Callum McGregor (Celtic), Scott McTominay (Manchester United), David Turnbull (Celtic) Forwards: Ché Adams (Southampton), Lyndon Dykes (Queen's Park Rangers), James Forrest (Celtic), Ryan Fraser (Newcastle United), Kevin Nisbet (Hibernian) Premier League fans will recognise Anfield left-back Andy Robertson and United midfielder Scott McTominay, but Southgate’s scouts will otherwise have their work cut out figuring out former Chelsea assistant Steve Clarke’s experimental side. They’ll undoubtedly be relying heavily on their most experienced and prolific striker, James Forrest, who has appeared in 35 games for the Tartans, scoring in two of them, and as recently as 2018. 5. Can Harry Kane’s Brave Boys Get It Done lol no he's pish
|
#
?
May 27, 2021 22:23
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 29, 2024 10:08 |
|
|
if any actual scottish people would like to post actual tactical analysis here and not insist on ruining the tournament for everyone else I guess that's fine too sweepstakes will be taken on how long I can manage to ironically cheer for scotland out of pure spite for kevin in hartlepool against the crushing weight of actually watching the scottish football team play football
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2021 22:27
|
|
|
Scotland gave us this so therefore I will cheer for Scotland to do well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUlj48Rvp1c
|
|
#
?
May 28, 2021 00:20
|
|
|
Scots Wikipedia wasn’t four linguist students; it was one very busy teenager in North Carolina https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/aug/26/shock-an-aw-us-teenager-wrote-huge-slice-of-scots-wikipedia Clarke is going to suffer because his favourite tactic of being dull as gently caress and sneaking a win won’t cut it, and the second policy of ‘string all the better players in a back 6’ has noticeable drawbacks. Mainly relying on Tierney to play 3 games in a fortnight, but others too. He may play Gilmour in the last ten minutes of a dead rubber though, which is progress.
|
|
#
?
May 28, 2021 10:40
|
|
|
Liam cooper is a good Yorkshire lad from Hull, which is Scotland now apparently. Hope he has a good tournament but is let down by his defensive partner when England beat them. Who are the players most representative of the Scottish style, by which I mean 'have the face and body shape of Alan Brazil despite being 23'
|
|
#
?
May 28, 2021 11:26
|
|
|
If I had to guess what our first line up would be... Marshall McTominay Gallagher/Cooper Tierney Forrest/O'Donnell Christie McGinn McGregor Robertson Dykes/Adams (Clarke might actually play McTominay as a defensive mid it just occurred to me, in which case Christie drops out and both Gallagher and Cooper play) I'm not actually that fussed about getting out of the group, it's our first appearance at a major finals in nearly a quarter of a decade so I'm just going to enjoy it 
Her Dryer fucked around with this message at 15:37 on May 28, 2021 |
|
#
?
May 28, 2021 15:32
|
|
|
really don't care about anything else as long as we beat England
|
|
#
?
May 28, 2021 20:59
|
|
|
I hope Scotland win .
|
|
#
?
May 29, 2021 22:21
|
|
|
John fleck got covid at the training base and sent home. Kick the team out of the tournament for safety imo
|
|
#
?
Jun 1, 2021 13:10
|
|
|
I'm sure Brian McClair has nowhere better to be this month, round him up
|
|
#
?
Jun 1, 2021 14:25
|
|
|
FullLeatherJacket posted:I'm sure Brian McClair has nowhere better to be this month, round him up He drinks in the pub I work in. Really sound bloke.
|
|
#
?
Jun 1, 2021 18:29
|
|
|
Her Dryer posted:If I had to guess what our first line up would be...
|
|
#
?
Jun 1, 2021 18:34
|
|
|
5-5-0 is the number of goals Scotland will concede in their group games
|
|
#
?
Jun 1, 2021 18:51
|
|
|
scotland scored two goals against holland, they're definitely winning the euros
|
|
#
?
Jun 2, 2021 21:47
|
|
|
We should've won. That freekick at the end was soft as shite. I'm glad that Callum Paterson isn't going, always groaned when he came on to concede a few fouls during the qualifying campaigns and nations league. It's nice to see a few former or soon-to-be Dons in the side. Shame big Andy isn't going as well, but maybe someone will get covid and he'll get a chance. Thought Gauld was hard done by as well, he would've offered something a bit different.
|
|
#
?
Jun 5, 2021 15:03
|
|
|
Total Meatlove posted:Clarke is going to suffer because his favourite tactic of being dull as gently caress and sneaking a win won’t cut it It worked for greece
|
|
#
?
Jun 6, 2021 17:30
|
|
|
Expecting us to be dogshit and lose every game tbh.
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 12:35
|
|
|
Not a good start.
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 15:53
|
|
|
FullLeatherJacket posted:Scotland are scheduled to beat England 1-0 in the literal worst game of football you’ve ever seen, scoring from a corner that Jordan Pickford inexplicably runs 30 yards for and deflects in off someone’s knee, set in between defeats to the Czech Republic and Croatia, bravely going out on goals scored in a mini-table. stick to the plan, lads stick to the plan
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 16:03
|
|
|
Collateral posted:It worked for greece Told you
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 17:00
|
|
|
Pish
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 17:08
|
|
|
Och!
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 17:13
|
|
|
If you told me what our strongest area was before this match I would have said the midfield, but they were literally all rubbish today. Get Gilmour in there.
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 17:23
|
|
|
I heard 'bitterly disappointed' uttered a few times and it reminded me of Andy Roxburgh
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 17:31
|
|
|
This was hard to watch. I was cheerin' for the Scots but the opposition keeper played a blinder. Sorry gents.
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 19:57
|
|
|
 
|
|
#
?
Jun 14, 2021 21:18
|
|
|
Scotland actually had way better chances but apparently can't finish for poo poo
|
|
#
?
Jun 15, 2021 17:03
|
|
|
I watched the match and the Czech team seemed decently competent so they vastly outmatched Scotland and make me worried about it coming home
|
|
#
?
Jun 17, 2021 21:39
|
|
|
We'll probably need to score an actual goal against Croatia.
|
|
#
?
Jun 18, 2021 21:50
|
|
|
If Scotland had a striker of even average quality we might be in a good spot, but all of our forwards are just entirely out of their depth at this level.
|
|
#
?
Jun 18, 2021 22:25
|
|
|
well, I was close
|
|
#
?
Jun 18, 2021 23:15
|
|
|
At least we scored a goal.
|
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2021 21:54
|
|
|
Well now I can enjoy the tournament in a more familiar style.
|
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2021 22:27
|
|
|
lol
|
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2021 22:29
|
|
|
and with that, the scots had banished the awful tournament forever, because it was haunted
|
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2021 22:31
|
|
|
Want me to edit the title orrr?
|
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2021 23:20
|
|
|
Bundy posted:Want me to edit the title orrr? are you going to change the title to "it's coming home"? because it's nae there's a poll
|
|
#
?
Jun 23, 2021 09:56
|
|
|
Disappointed with Scotland fans. They booed the introduction of the away team and made some noise in the beginning but fell silent as soon they were a goal behind. I mean if it's a long awaited historic chance, a decisive game on Hampden Park, etc, maybe make an effort and support your team with all you've got for the full 90 minutes.
|
|
#
?
Jun 23, 2021 12:28
|
|
Doctor Malaver posted:Disappointed with Scotland fans. They booed the introduction of the away team and made some noise in the beginning but fell silent as soon they were a goal behind. I mean if it's a long awaited historic chance, a decisive game on Hampden Park, etc, maybe make an effort and support your team with all you've got for the full 90 minutes. Is this your first time watching football?
|
|
|
#
?
Jun 23, 2021 14:00
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 29, 2024 10:08 |
|
|
I was worried for a while that I wouldn't be able to post this everyone who voted nae gets to invent a new word for scots wikipedia
|
|
#
?
Jul 11, 2021 23:12
|
|