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BlackIronHeart
Aug 2, 2004

The Oath Breaker's about to hit warphead nine Kaptain!
I've had a pleasantly startling turn of events occur at work today! I did a logo for my last team and had it printed out in poster size and laminated. Apparently, other managers liked it a lot and I'm getting requests to do more logos for other teams. Is time off the phones a fair enough trade? Seems like it to me!

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Loving Life Partner
Apr 17, 2003
Yes, time off the phones to do anything but take calls is fair compensation.

Unfortunately we just had a huge crackdown on manage authorized time, and scheduled time off phones. We used to have all these little bullshit committees that did team building stuff and peer recognition, and potlucks and stuff, all gone :(

BigDave
Jul 14, 2009

Taste the High Country
So, we take phone calls from all 50 states, but some states more then others. And after taking these phone calls for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for six months, you begin to notice patterns. To that effect, here are my totally accurate stereotypes for the following states:

Connecticut: Rich, bitchy snobs with terrible accents who I wish to beat violently with a baseball bat.

Upstate New York: See Connecticut

Michigan: Horrifically angry, violent sociopaths.

North Dakota: Mentally unbalanced, possibly the result from inhaling toxic fumes from oil fields all day.

Arizona: Very angry, often irrational and sometimes violent.

California: Middle of the road, angry but open to compromise.

Illinois: Like to complain about everything, highly demanding.


But even after all of the screaming, swearing, shouting and death threats, I would rather talk to a hundred of the maddest, most rabid customers on the planet then talk to one Geek Squad agent. They don't do anything! All they do is dump phone calls on us because they don't feel like talking to angry people. Seriously, every time I hear the words "Hi, this is Agent so and so from Geek Squad whatever department, I have a customer on the line..." my blood pressure spikes ten points. Grow a loving spine and do your loving jobs! If all you do is transfer calls to our department, why the gently caress do you work for us?

*punches wall*

There, I'm de-stressed until Monday.

CUMGUARD
Nov 22, 2004

Aw, hell no! What's up, dog?
Well, I've finally left the ranks of retail (hopefully) forever as of about 5 weeks ago and am officially working in a call center. I've posted a little about it in the retail thread, but after reading through here, WOW, it is not the typical call center at all. I work for a company that does facilities maintenance for about 40 different major clients. We're a fairly small company; there's another location in the US and then there's two in Europe. The location I work at is headquarters.

Basically, there are about 6 or 7 different "markets." Restaurants, automotive, and retail 1-4. There's no significance to the numbering of the retail markets, each one is made up of about 3-6 clients, and they just group them together into a market based on how similar to one another their SOPs are. Each of us has a primary client within our market, but generally people will take calls for other clients in their market, and of course, overflow.

I got pretty lucky in my assignment, actually. Due to the way my primary client does things, about 90% of work orders their locations place have to be reviewed for lease responsibility. Situation X at Store Y might be my client's responsibility, but Situation X at Store Z might be the landlord's responsibility. So I'm on the team that goes through those work orders, determines responsibility, dispatches to a vendor if it is our responsibility, and coordinates with the landlord if it is their responsibility.

I do almost zero inbound. I might get 5 inbound calls in a day, and even that would be unusual. They don't even have me gated to take maintenance requests for my client, or anyone else. I'm only gated for landlord stuff, so the only inbound calls I get at all are landlords calling in, or else some other random gently caress who might have somehow gotten ahold of the number. The amount of outbound I do heavily depends on whether I'm dispatching orders, or whether I'm doing followup. I'm not sure how many outbound calls would be average for me, probably somewhere between 30-60.

The great thing, though, is the balance of power. When I call stores, they're usually great (although oftentimes not the brightest bulbs in the box) because they know I'm the one trying to help them get their poo poo fixed. And they've used to the old landlord song and dance, so they never really get too lovely about it, which is pretty cool since a landlord work order suddenly has its own rules, and depending on how smart/shady a landlord is, they can drag out a work order for ages. There's work orders I've followed up on that were almost 2 years old and are still open.

The landlords are a mixed bag. A lot of time we just communicate via voicemail and fax. The ones I do talk to are sometimes nice, sometimes dicks. The thing is, though, they can be as pissed as they want at me, I've got the full might of corporate on my side, and corporate won't waste too much time loving around with them usually.

Overall, though, it's very low stress. My call center does have metrics, but they're not too crazy about them, and for people on the landlord team, they know that our jobs are very different from other peoples so we get tracked differently. With us, they just want us to be able to work on at least 7 work orders an hour. Which is really no big deal.

Coworkers are hilarious, supervisors are chill, the building is nice, it's in a decent area, good commute (like 13 minute drive one way typically). There's a lot of room for advancement, not just in the call center itself. People keep the kitchen clean. My biggest complaint when I started was the lovely archaic obsolete computers they made us use. Some of them were fast, but those were few and far between and they always got ganked immediately. So it could literally take upwards of 7 minutes from the time you click the icon to load the phone system before it actually loads. Fortunately, management is well aware how much the computers blow, and if you get there at a reasonable time, they'll sign a deviation sheet for you that will keep you from getting in trouble.

As of 2 weeks ago, though, they are replacing all the computers. The first wave just got deployed, so now all our computers are decent. The new ones are i3s with 4gb ram, windows 7, and dual monitors. That phone system software? Loads in about 2 seconds now, literally.

The pay sucks compared to what you guys mostly seem to be making, but due to the increased hours from what I had been getting, I'm making a few hundred bucks more a month than I was, we get paid every week, they give out overtime freely but it's almost never mandatory, after 60 days you get between $0.50-$1.00 raise based on performance, if you get perfect attendance for any given week (meaning to the minute, all breaks, lunches, and shift beginnings and ends, tracked via phone system, so no loving around) then you get a $0.50/hour bonus for the week.

It's funny, everyone told me how much I was going to hate this place before I started here, and knowing what I know about call centers from other people who have worked in them and from reading previous incarnations of this thread, I was pretty much dreading it myself. Now, I've gotta say it's one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Obviously I'm still brand new, but I could see myself staying here for a good while, especially if advancement is as easy as it seems to be.

Sorry for the wall of text, just wanted to throw out a very atypical call center experience for you guys.

BlackIronHeart
Aug 2, 2004

The Oath Breaker's about to hit warphead nine Kaptain!

BigDave posted:

Michigan: Horrifically angry, violent sociopaths.

Hahaha, YUUUP.

My center is in Michigan and our current director came here from Alabama. He literally said 'I've never encountered such angry customers before I came here.' in his introductory meeting with my team.

sbaldrick
Jul 19, 2006
Driven by Hate

CUMGUARD posted:

Sorry for the wall of text, just wanted to throw out a very atypical call center experience for you guys.

This isn't really a call centre, even through it's been run like one. This is generally work done by non-inside sales reps. that have a inside sales rep. title. So good job on getting a real corporate job.

CUMGUARD
Nov 22, 2004

Aw, hell no! What's up, dog?

sbaldrick posted:

This isn't really a call centre, even through it's been run like one. This is generally work done by non-inside sales reps. that have a inside sales rep. title. So good job on getting a real corporate job.

I definitely see what you're saying, and the last thing I'm gonna do is get into an argument about what is and isn't a call center, obviously even in the shittiest role at my company, you're still in much better shape than most of the places being posted about here, despite the pay being significantly shittier. For the most part though, it really is a straight-up call center. My client is the only client I know of among the 40+ my company handles that actually has a separate "landlord" team; if I'd been assigned to any other market, and barring that, any other client within my current market, my job would be completely different, and all I'd be doing would be taking calls all day, and doing outbound to vendors during the downtime. The general expectation for call center staff at my work is at least 10 calls an hour, and an average call time of around 3 minutes. So nothing too horrible, even at its worst.

I definitely don't anticipate myself having to rant my face off like most of you guys in this thread, and I promise not to do a bunch of "first world bitching," but I will definitely continue to follow this thread because it's really interesting. There was a post in here from awhile back that said something about a stretch of time where every time they would go to work, the queue would be 100 deep from the time they clocked in to the time they clocked out. I can't even imagine what that's like. I will say, though, there are some people in this thread of whose jobs I am a little jealous, not most of you though!

Gothmog1065
May 14, 2009
Well, I might be taking a step sideways, but up from what I'm at. Just got a job interview with a restaurant (Why can I never spell that word and the spell checker never find it?) chain. Smaller customer base, no forced sales for technical support and I will actually know my customers. 58 stores. Probably much more free time. On call every 2nd weekend. It can't be any worse than the goddamn retards I talk to right now.

Oh, and plus travel. I get out of the office to go fix things on site.

Boomer The Cannon
Oct 27, 2011

Gotta see it live!


miryei posted:

I've been getting a lot of this lately, too:

1. Customer sends an email. Emails take about 3 business days to respond to.
2. Customer calls an hour later. "Did you get my email? Okay, just checking."
3. Customer calls later that afternoon. "Did you get my email? How long will it take you to respond? Okay, thanks."
4. Next morning, customer send another email asking how long it takes emails to be responded to. Please note that it will also take us about 3 days to get to this second email.
5. A few hours later, customer calls in again, "Did you get my second email?"

I would be able to respond to these a lot faster if they'd stop interrupting by calling to ask whether we're responding.
We get the same thing. I know our client is slow at getting back to people (laying off thousands of people within the last 12 months does that), but poo poo that involves checking credit and such is not done instantaneously. If you're looking at a house at 5 PM, 4:45 is a loving wonderful time to try and get pre-approval, and then call in a day later bitching why you didn't get it.

Dead Cow
Nov 4, 2009

Passion makes the world go round.
Love just makes it a safer place.
Read the glassdoor on my company. Looks like two of the reviews were CSRs who said if you keep your head down and don't expect to move up in the company, it's great for the benefits. (Which is true, but I moved up from CSR, so I wonder who wrote them. Probably someone who got passed over for a claims position and is bitter.)

The other three reviews look like they came from 2 software developers and the QA girl (I called her Frumpy, and disliked her immensely). One of the developers left because he found something better. The other two people were fired when developer 1's mailbox was put on his manager's outlook; per policy when people leave. Manager finds out that they were talking poo poo about the company, coworkers, and the boss ON THEIR WORK EMAILS. You know, the one's that are stored? That HR can authorize access to if need be?

Edwhirl
Jul 27, 2007

Cats are the best.
Things that make working at a call centre bearable: Being able to indirectly call people liars, and they can't dispute it.

Loving Life Partner
Apr 17, 2003

Dr. Not A Doctor posted:

Things that make working at a call centre bearable: Being able to indirectly call people liars, and they can't dispute it.

Yeah, I've amassed a nice collection of call types that I relish.

1, someone saying we're to blame for overdrafting their bank account because their withdrawal date is X and it didn't actually withdraw until Y a few days later, and they spent the money in between. I had someone telling me that we had to reimburse them for like $300 in fees because of this. HAH

2, court clerk calling to get the exact time their policy started, because they got cited for driving without insurance, then went and bought a policy with us a few hours later. Bussssssssted.

3, someone claiming again, that we're on the hook for bank fees because of X policy premium increase that they were never told about, and then having my assist line play back the portion of the phone call where they ARE told that and acknowledge it.

CUMGUARD
Nov 22, 2004

Aw, hell no! What's up, dog?
When we enter work orders at my job, you have to select a request type, and then a subcategory. A request type might be "Parking lot" and then subcategory might be "Restriping." Depending on which request type you select, when you hit submit, it will pop up a window with scripting questions relevant to that particular situation. A coworker was processing a work order the other day for a roof leak. One of the scripting questions is "Is the issue gutter or downspout related?" The answer the CSR put? "Lol."

And I didn't see this one, but apparently yesterday there was another roof leak work order that came in and another one of the questions is "Is the roof flat or sloped?" The answer? "Probably."

Hahaha, the same guy who wrote "probably" in the latter example also likes to do things like, when it asks him the location of a roof leak, he'll say "the roof." Gotta love people!

hyper from Pixie Sticks
Sep 28, 2004

The perils of scripts in callcentres: A guy in a different department of my work was telling me once about how someone was making a change to their account, and the message popped up on screen "Is this a risky change?". Y'know, for the staff to pause, think if anything's suspicious, and act accordingly.

You all know before reaching this line what happened, but here it is anyway: he read it out to the caller.

Zaekkor
May 12, 2010

Oh, let's break it down!

The call center I work at has departments taking a poo poo ton of calls per day with tons sitting in que waiting to be answered.

My department is the only department that doesn't have a poo poo ton of volume. I've been working here for almost a year and a half now and on average take between 5-15 calls a day. We have chat days too! Chat days I'm lucky to even get one chat.

The best part? There is no sign of our department being shut down..in fact..they're taking on new projects because we're looked at as one of the best teams! (Protip: it's because we take so little calls that our mental stability is still intact compared to everyone else)

I seriously browse SA all day at work (until I'm caught and yelled at)

We've dealt with a lot of entitled pricks, but the nice part is..there's more friendly people than anything who call in.

I get paid 11.50/hr to browse SA.

Gothmog1065
May 14, 2009
I am now sitting about 20 feets from an impromptu concert. They're singing. I cannot hear my customers. WHY ARE THEY SINGING. So loving loud.

sbaldrick
Jul 19, 2006
Driven by Hate

Obscurity posted:

The call center I work at has departments taking a poo poo ton of calls per day with tons sitting in que waiting to be answered.

My department is the only department that doesn't have a poo poo ton of volume. I've been working here for almost a year and a half now and on average take between 5-15 calls a day. We have chat days too! Chat days I'm lucky to even get one chat.

The best part? There is no sign of our department being shut down..in fact..they're taking on new projects because we're looked at as one of the best teams! (Protip: it's because we take so little calls that our mental stability is still intact compared to everyone else)

I seriously browse SA all day at work (until I'm caught and yelled at)

We've dealt with a lot of entitled pricks, but the nice part is..there's more friendly people than anything who call in.

I get paid 11.50/hr to browse SA.

I'm going to make you feel bad, as I get my sweet government wage at the moment to browse SA due to them breaking our date base for the new year. Of course that means a poo poo ton of work once we can use our date base once it's fixed

CatStacking
Jan 9, 2010

~A Purely Preposterous Pussy~
So, we were warned going into training that it was intense. It's 16 days of training, scaled back from the original 32 days of training. We cover at least 3 - 5 topics a day and every 2 - 3 days we have a test.

The pass point for the test is 80%. Which is equivalent to 27.5 points on the test. I got 25.5.

Two below the ridiculously high pass point. So we had a retest where the instructor paced around, told us to find things in one program or another, and watched us do it. There were 2 or 3 questions I know I got wrong out of 10 or so. Each question is worth .5 points.

I wonder if they let us go from the job, if we fail the pass point for the re-test? I'm honestly really worried. Also, not even university has a passpoint THAT high.

Is training as ridiculous like this for other call centres?

Ugh, I have to worry about it all night, because we don't find out how we did until tomorrow.

Lord Windy
Mar 26, 2010

cuntvalet posted:

So, we were warned going into training that it was intense. It's 16 days of training, scaled back from the original 32 days of training. We cover at least 3 - 5 topics a day and every 2 - 3 days we have a test.

The pass point for the test is 80%. Which is equivalent to 27.5 points on the test. I got 25.5.

Two below the ridiculously high pass point. So we had a retest where the instructor paced around, told us to find things in one program or another, and watched us do it. There were 2 or 3 questions I know I got wrong out of 10 or so. Each question is worth .5 points.

I wonder if they let us go from the job, if we fail the pass point for the re-test? I'm honestly really worried. Also, not even university has a passpoint THAT high.

Is training as ridiculous like this for other call centres?

Ugh, I have to worry about it all night, because we don't find out how we did until tomorrow.

At my call centre all the tests have a pass rate of between 80-100%. I honestly had no trouble meeting that because the subject matter was so easy (not for others, but they tended to be better overall). I think one girl from my wave kept failing and she really panicked, but they just gave her extra mentoring. She's ended up getting a quality coach position because she is so awesome at her job.

In short, unless you dicked around in class I wouldn't worry.

bulbous nub
Jul 29, 2007

It's ok; I'm taking it back.
Lipstick Apathy

cuntvalet posted:

So, we were warned going into training that it was intense. It's 16 days of training, scaled back from the original 32 days of training. We cover at least 3 - 5 topics a day and every 2 - 3 days we have a test.

The pass point for the test is 80%. Which is equivalent to 27.5 points on the test. I got 25.5.

Two below the ridiculously high pass point. So we had a retest where the instructor paced around, told us to find things in one program or another, and watched us do it. There were 2 or 3 questions I know I got wrong out of 10 or so. Each question is worth .5 points.

I wonder if they let us go from the job, if we fail the pass point for the re-test? I'm honestly really worried. Also, not even university has a passpoint THAT high.

Is training as ridiculous like this for other call centres?

Ugh, I have to worry about it all night, because we don't find out how we did until tomorrow.

Training at my last job was 5 weeks of in class work and 1 week of training bay and was broken down in to 2 weeks of Voice support training, 2 weeks of Data support training, and 1 week of Video support training (which is what 65% of our calls were about, no joke.)

Tests were at the end of that section on Thursday, retests on Friday, past point was 85%. As a trainer, I had no say in actually grading them, they were all done online and ran through an automated system on VZ's end and we got an email back that night (if we were lucky) or the next morning. You get below 85% on the retest and you're terminated immediately, which sucked all around.

skipdogg
Nov 29, 2004
Resident SRT-4 Expert

At our call center we have a 90% minimum on the daily post tests, but our training is setup in such a way that if you can't hack the tests, you won't hack working here.

Boomer The Cannon
Oct 27, 2011

Gotta see it live!


Semprini posted:

The perils of scripts in callcentres: A guy in a different department of my work was telling me once about how someone was making a change to their account, and the message popped up on screen "Is this a risky change?". Y'know, for the staff to pause, think if anything's suspicious, and act accordingly.

You all know before reaching this line what happened, but here it is anyway: he read it out to the caller.

It takes all kinds to make the world go around. Do you have the 40 year old women who have no loving clue how a computer works as well?

Literally Lewis Hamilton
Feb 22, 2005



cuntvalet posted:

So, we were warned going into training that it was intense. It's 16 days of training, scaled back from the original 32 days of training. We cover at least 3 - 5 topics a day and every 2 - 3 days we have a test.

The pass point for the test is 80%. Which is equivalent to 27.5 points on the test. I got 25.5.

Two below the ridiculously high pass point. So we had a retest where the instructor paced around, told us to find things in one program or another, and watched us do it. There were 2 or 3 questions I know I got wrong out of 10 or so. Each question is worth .5 points.

I wonder if they let us go from the job, if we fail the pass point for the re-test? I'm honestly really worried. Also, not even university has a passpoint THAT high.

Is training as ridiculous like this for other call centres?

Ugh, I have to worry about it all night, because we don't find out how we did until tomorrow.

I've seen people let go if they can't get licensed or can't pass training.

CUMGUARD
Nov 22, 2004

Aw, hell no! What's up, dog?

cuntvalet posted:

So, we were warned going into training that it was intense. It's 16 days of training, scaled back from the original 32 days of training. We cover at least 3 - 5 topics a day and every 2 - 3 days we have a test.

The pass point for the test is 80%. Which is equivalent to 27.5 points on the test. I got 25.5.

Two below the ridiculously high pass point. So we had a retest where the instructor paced around, told us to find things in one program or another, and watched us do it. There were 2 or 3 questions I know I got wrong out of 10 or so. Each question is worth .5 points.

I wonder if they let us go from the job, if we fail the pass point for the re-test? I'm honestly really worried. Also, not even university has a passpoint THAT high.

Is training as ridiculous like this for other call centres?

Ugh, I have to worry about it all night, because we don't find out how we did until tomorrow.

At my call center, the training is two weeks, and there is only one test that matters. There's quizzes once or twice a day most days during training, but those scores don't count for anything. There is a final exam,though, and you have to get 80% on it to pass. It was easy as gently caress, though. And if you fail it, you get to retake it the next day. The trainer had been the trainer for almost two years at the time I took the class, and he said he has trained probably close to 200 people, and he only ever had 5 people fail, and 3 of those 5 passed on the re-take. The other 2 were immediately terminated though.

RedFish
Aug 6, 2006
..blue fish, one fish, two fish: blue fish need not apply.
Edit: :tinfoil:

Original post: something that could get me in trouble.

legsarerequired
Dec 31, 2007
College Slice
The training at my call center was two months. Our initial pre-hire interview process had a basic math/typing/grammar test, but we never had to take anything like a test in the training. We did have to take calls while in training, and I suppose people who just fail miserably at taking calls are asked to leave before they go to the floor.

Dr Jankenstein
Aug 6, 2009

Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.
Nothing like the new changes to the ACD crashing and burning!

So, since some of our clients were complaining that every time they'd call they'd get a different person, management decided to split the CSR's into teams, and each team would get their own queue, and each queue would have it's own direct-dial number. Well...they decided to test the system today. Anyone who dials the direct line to the team gets hung up on as soon as the CSR picks up the phone.

...oops. So glad I do sales and am completely outbound calling.

sbaldrick
Jul 19, 2006
Driven by Hate

AA is for Quitters posted:

Nothing like the new changes to the ACD crashing and burning!

So, since some of our clients were complaining that every time they'd call they'd get a different person, management decided to split the CSR's into teams, and each team would get their own queue, and each queue would have it's own direct-dial number. Well...they decided to test the system today. Anyone who dials the direct line to the team gets hung up on as soon as the CSR picks up the phone.

...oops. So glad I do sales and am completely outbound calling.

I would change to inbound in a heartbeat. Beside call idea ever.

g0lbez
Dec 25, 2004

and then you'll beg

AA is for Quitters posted:

...oops. So glad I do sales and am completely outbound calling.

Wait are you being sarcastic or do you actually like doing outbound sales? Because that actually sounds pretty lovely :confused:

RICHUNCLEPENNYBAGS
Dec 21, 2010
Outbound calling is the pits. I haven't worked in a call center for like half a year and I still get a feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about outbound calls. Thumbs-down to outbound.

Dr Jankenstein
Aug 6, 2009

Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.

g0lbez posted:

Wait are you being sarcastic or do you actually like doing outbound sales? Because that actually sounds pretty lovely :confused:

I actually really enjoy it, but I'm a completely different niche than most call centers. I sell lawyers to people who need lawyers, and who fill out forms online saying they need lawyers. I rarely get yelled at, and most of the time I do it's from people who can't read that they're asking for a free case evaluation and not applying for Worker's Comp, Injury, Social Security, etc.

I get to talk to all sorts of awesomly crazy people every day. anytime you ask "so when did things start for you" and the response is "well, the first time the CIA kidnapped me was in the 80's...." you know your day is going to go well.

\/\/ they did, somemwhat. And we're actually busy (read: understaffed) enough that there's not that much downtime, plus downtime gets spent doing paperwork. The problem is we really cant hire more, since we *just* expanded less than a year ago...and since we work on contingency there's a huge wait between when we make the sale, and when we get the $$, which makes it hard to hire since all the clients we signed in the last three months are going to be like, another year before we see money.

Dr Jankenstein fucked around with this message at 08:56 on May 7, 2012

Fil5000
Jun 23, 2003

HOLD ON GUYS I'M POSTING ABOUT INTERNET ROBOTS

AA is for Quitters posted:

Nothing like the new changes to the ACD crashing and burning!

So, since some of our clients were complaining that every time they'd call they'd get a different person, management decided to split the CSR's into teams, and each team would get their own queue, and each queue would have it's own direct-dial number. Well...they decided to test the system today. Anyone who dials the direct line to the team gets hung up on as soon as the CSR picks up the phone.

...oops. So glad I do sales and am completely outbound calling.

Be sure to congratulate your management team on making a change that will decrease occupancy and leave your agents sat waiting for calls for significantly longer than before! Bet they didn't get a capacity planning type to do any analysis before they implemented either.

mark.yaml
Nov 9, 2009

lo siento, no hablo anglais
I've been doing tech for a UK ISP for about 7 months, and just started a month long stint on nights.

I've been lucky so far in getting made perm fairly quickly (took a shitload of stress away), and getting to do some secondments away from the phones when on the verge of burning out.

Our support remit is pretty loose and we're a dumping ground for most other departments. It's pretty good as it can help keep things interesting as you've got to know more than the average first line (there's no second line unless you count faults), and learn other departments processes.

One of my calls this morning:

Me: Good morning this is Wiltershaw in support how can I help you?
Him: My internet still doesn't work.
Me: Okay... from reading the notes left by a colleague this looks like an internal issue, and we've already given you what support we can as your ISP. I'm sorry but this is beyond what I can help you with or what we can support as your ISP, I'm afraid you're going to have to seek other support.
Him: But my internet doesn't work!
Me: You router is connected to us and showing a stable session, your internet is working.
Him: But I can't get on the internet.
Me: Look, my colleague has tried to manually configure your machine to two different sets of DNS servers and it still won't work. I've no idea what's wrong with it.
Him: Put on someone who can!
(It's 4:30am, and we don't have a 2nd line department, sorry mate you're stuck with me).

We go around like this for 10 minutes, I cave and get him to go through a couple traces...

Him: But I've done this!
Me: Not with me, just do them please.

Traces fine to IPs, explain DNS issue again and that solution we can offer didn't work.

Me: Again I'm very sorry but this is beyond us, you'll have to find support elsewhere I'm afraid.
Him: ... I'm going to cancel and go with another provider then, what use is the internet if I can't use it!
Me: Okay. You're more than welcome to cancel but it's not going to fix your issue.
Him: ... Well where should I start searching the internet to fix this problem?
Me: I thought you couldn't use the internet?
Him: My other computer works fine! :downs:
Me: (Mutes to vent as he's wasted 30mins on this idiocy) ... Why would you think this is an issue with us when your other computer can access fine?
Him: Because I can't get on the internet!

My favorite though is always a short one:

Them: I'VE HAD A FAULT I WANT COMPENSATION FOR MY DOWN TIME THIS IS AN OUTRAGE RARARARA!
Me: Okay let's take a look here... your paying £3.24 a month for broadband... divided by 30... your fault lasted 4 days... okay that's a 25p discount I've added to next months bill.
Them: Oh.. than- WAIT WHAT!? I WANT A REFUND FOR MY DOWNTIME!!!
Me: And that's what I've given you. Exactly. Is there anything else I can help you with?

If you hadn't come on the call screaming you'd have probably got the month. So gently caress you.

Sometimes I love my job, I can be
deliciously evil and totally in the right.




Edit: Sorry for the half post, in bed and fat fingers + phone = derp.

mark.yaml fucked around with this message at 12:39 on May 7, 2012

Robzor McFabulous
Jan 31, 2011

Wiltershaw posted:

Me: Okay let's take a look here... your paying £3.24 a month for broadband... divided by 30... your fault lasted 4 days... okay that's a 25p discount I've added to next months bill.

Whoa, where can I get me some broadband for £3.24 a month? :D

Also what happened with the other guy in the end, do you know? Did he actually cancel his account despite the problem being completely out of your hands?

Cast_No_Shadow
Jun 8, 2010

The Republic of Luna Equestria is a huge, socially progressive nation, notable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate, cynical population of 714m are ruled with an iron fist by the dictatorship government, which ensures that no-one outside the party gets too rich.

Probably not, most people that say that don't cancel.

I used to work in a job where people would threaten that all the time. When the business is unprofitable for us, it always gave me great pleasure to respond with "no problem, is that from today?" and watch them backtrack.

sbaldrick
Jul 19, 2006
Driven by Hate
Does anyone work in a Call Centre in Ontario where they have no legislated being nice to service workers? I"m sure it makes the job more enjoyable.

Robzor McFabulous
Jan 31, 2011

sbaldrick posted:

Does anyone work in a Call Centre in Ontario where they have no legislated being nice to service workers? I"m sure it makes the job more enjoyable.

Do you have a link to any information about this? Tried Googling but didn't find anything that sounded relevant. Sounds really interesting though!

mark.yaml
Nov 9, 2009

lo siento, no hablo anglais

Robzor McFabulous posted:

Whoa, where can I get me some broadband for £3.24 a month? :D

The package has a really low data cap, and traffic managed out the arse. A load of ISP's are having a bit of a price war, which means the dregs of humanity can strip the last vestiges of my own humaity away while paying 'good money'. There's also vast caravans of refugee users that just seem to cycle round a few ISPs, forever unhappy.

Usage caps are their own billing nightmare:

-Transfer in from CS-
*boop*
:saddowns: This is Wiltershaw in Tech, my colleague has informed me you have a usage query I can help with?
:byodame: Why is my bill £60! It's only supposed to be £20~ per month!
:saddowns: I'm sorry miss, but £40 of that is for using 40Gb above your limit.
:byodame: But I was TOLD [package] would be enough! I can't of used that much anyway! We only use Facebook! I thought [package] was a lot! I wouldn't of signed up otherwise!
:saddowns: You have my apologies, but I'm afraid the bill still stands. I can't see any discrepancies; this came from your connection only. You might be better suited to [larger package] which I can move you onto instantly; you'll get the usage bump gratis, and only start paying for it on your next bill date. I'll even throw in the monetary value of your current special offer.
:byodame: gently caress you, you loving gently caress! I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD BE ENOUGH, I'M NOT PAYING MORE. I'M ON THE DOLE! I HAVE CHILDREN! I CAN'T AFFORD THIS! I'VE BEEN MISS SOLD I DEMAND TO TALK TO A MANAGER!!!
:saddowns: I can arrange that, but a mangers call back is 4 ho-
:byodame: I WANT TO CANCEL! I CAN'T BELIEVE I CHANGED [X company] WAS BETTER THAN YOU!
:saddowns: I'll transfer you to retentions.

or

:butt: When I signed up I thought it was Unlimited!
:saddowns: Sir, we haven't offered an Unlimited package for many years. Our sales agent should have gone through this with you.
:butt: I signed up on-line! It was on the page in front of me.
:saddowns: Are you illiterate? (I forgot myself and did say this out loud once, the paranoia of complaint / QAed call drove me to the brink. I fessed up to my TL who promptly pissed herself laughing).

or

:nyd: What's it all been used on?
:saddowns: Hmm, it shows 90% Streaming.
:nyd: That little poo poo! That son of mine's been on the porn again! Can you see that?
:saddowns: I can only see it as streaming I'm afrai-
:nyd: I'm going to loving kill him!!!
*click*

Sorry dude.



Robzor McFabulous posted:

Also what happened with the other guy in the end, do you know? Did he actually cancel his account despite the problem being completely out of your hands?

Didn't think to follow it up, if I can dig his details out of my account history I'll take a look. If he did, though, retentions probably validated his idiocy by giving him a discount to stay.

I'm enjoying work on nights; the responsibility of making sure it all doesn't go tits up, the work is mainly tickets, and the extra bonus per shift. But drat, I don't know what planet I'm on half the time and only a week in.

Have to say this thread is incredibly cathartic. :unsmith:

sbaldrick
Jul 19, 2006
Driven by Hate

Robzor McFabulous posted:

Do you have a link to any information about this? Tried Googling but didn't find anything that sounded relevant. Sounds really interesting though!

It basically came out of a Human Rights Commission lose by a company that got cute and thought they could win (no company every wins a HRC, which is why they always settle). However, if you have noticed in stores now they have signs that say "Our employees are people and have to be treated like humans" that's the reason.

It would have to wait till the weekend to find the direct ruling for you, but it does exist and you can use it to your advantage.

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Loving Life Partner
Apr 17, 2003
You know, as much as the normal calls are rote, and the angry calls are insulting and annoying, the great calls can be pretty awesome.

I had a young married couple call and consolidate their auto insurance the other day. These calls are always great, because of married rating factors and multi vehicle discounts and whatnot.

This guy was over the moon at getting the policies combined and basically saving $800 a year.

It's nice when you can really help someone out :unsmith:

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