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Y-Hat posted:My Great-Grandfather Started This Business With One Simple Mission That We Abandoned Decades Ago That is great: "I guess the only one of my great-grandfather's philosophies we still abide by is his idea that a business should give back to the community. That's why we started the DKM Group Kids' Foundation. It's for cripples or retards or something, and it's basically just a PR ploy and a way for us to move money around come tax time."
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Sep 3, 2012 15:30
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I just noticed the Stockwatch section.http://www.theonion.com/articles/mccormick-company-mkc,27378/ posted:McCormick & Company (MKC) http://www.theonion.com/articles/venetian-cruise-lines-vcl,27483/ posted:Venetian Cruise Lines (VCL)
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Sep 3, 2012 17:59
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Chiefs Realize Brady Quinn Received 'Frog And Toad Are Friends' Instead Of Playbook I honestly don't follow sports at all, but The Onion's headlines/brief articles on sports are usually so funny, I don't need to know anything about the person they're parodying in order to enjoy what I'm reading.
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Sep 3, 2012 19:08
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Human reproduction is really weird when you think of it that way.
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Sep 3, 2012 20:12
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Sun Myung Moon Funeral To Be All Weird, Sources Report
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Sep 4, 2012 07:41
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Also goddamn this Daily Newsfeed thing: Old Dan From 'Where The Red Fern Grows' Preparing To Die Six Million Deaths Anew As Fourth Graders Return To School 
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Sep 4, 2012 07:53
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Something stupid to counter the http://www.theonion.com/video/should-adults-be-allowed-to-bring-kids-to-rrated-m,20961/ ...And then some http://www.theonion.com/video/braindead-teen-only-capable-of-rolling-eyes-and-te,27225/
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Sep 4, 2012 09:12
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Reading-Is-Fundamentalists Slaughter 52 Illiterates This one is an oldie but very enjoyable, and the unexpected line about the KKK cracked me up.
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Sep 4, 2012 10:31
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AnoMouse posted:...And then some That story sometimes comes up on Literally Unbelievable. The most common science story from The Onion that people fall for is Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday. It comes up every week. Even now people are debating the ethics of it in the YouTube comments. Personally, I love the dark, horrible stories. The idea of scientists using their knowledge to turn a gorilla into a depressed nihilist is hilarious.
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Sep 4, 2012 16:59
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Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Conventionquote:Aides tracking Biden's movements said he had already received a handful of rides, the first of which was provided by two unemployed 26-year-olds on a road trip to Austin, TX who recognized the current vice president and took him up on his offer to make them "the sickest apple pipe they'd ever seen."
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Sep 4, 2012 17:47
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The United States would be a better country if "Diamond" Joe Biden was the real VP.
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Sep 4, 2012 17:53
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This is awesome: Here Are All Of My Opinions
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Sep 4, 2012 18:56
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ultrafilter posted:This is awesome: Here Are All Of My Opinions Either they're good or I'm a generic white male.
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Sep 4, 2012 19:40
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DNC Lacking Same Delusional Magic It Had In 2008 Less like and more like  .
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Sep 4, 2012 22:17
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I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environmentquote:This is unbelievable. A goddamned outrage, actually, is what it is. My daughter Lucy, my own flesh and blood, is bringing home this…this…black man in less than an hour. "Marlon" something or other, she tells me. Marlon! Well, I won't stand for it. As long as I have breath in my body, no daughter of mine will bring a black man into this house until I've cleaned it up a little, maybe picked up a good bottle of wine, and made drat sure I have everything I need to make him feel right at home.
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Sep 5, 2012 00:01
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ultrafilter posted:This is awesome: Here Are All Of My Opinions Somehow, I feel this is a crack at Cracked and the proliferation of list journalism.
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Sep 5, 2012 00:26
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Good Evening, It's An Honor To Be Used As A Political Prop By My Husband's Campaign
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Sep 5, 2012 04:02
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AnoMouse posted:Something stupid to counter the I like the depressing Onion stories when they allow me to laugh at something I was already bummed about, but not when they bring up completely new things for me to be bummed about that I hadn't previously considered. These are all of my opinions, thank you for reading them.
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Sep 5, 2012 04:20
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Senior Woodchuck posted:Good Evening, It's An Honor To Be Used As A Political Prop By My Husband's Campaign
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Sep 5, 2012 04:24
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Yeah Michelle is anything but a prop, she is the most active first lady in decades. Every week she's out doing some fitness/nutrition promotion with kids and by this point she's almost as famous as her husband. It's actually pretty cool that the first couple actually seems like they are real people with real lives, unlike the Romneybot drones for instance.
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Sep 5, 2012 04:41
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They're definitely not letting the Dems off the hook
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Sep 5, 2012 05:24
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Shimrra Jamaane posted:Yeah Michelle is anything but a prop, she is the most active first lady in decades. Every week she's out doing some fitness/nutrition promotion with kids and by this point she's almost as famous as her husband. It's actually pretty cool that the first couple actually seems like they are real people with real lives, unlike the Romneybot drones for instance. I laugh every time someone gets serious about an onion article, whether I agree with them or not.
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Sep 5, 2012 05:55
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Why are they just reversing their republican jokes? There's plenty of dumb democrat jokes to be made, like how the general vibe for the first day was 'really shoddy and poorly done', that totally fits the jokes about democrats. I remember when my fictional news magazines had standards, drat it. 
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Sep 5, 2012 05:57
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This one is great because it was clearly written after a visit to the actual https://www.americannaziparty.com . http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-white-nation-will-never-resume-its-rightful-pl,20303/ quote:Imagine you're a young Aryan-American barely eking out a living, and suddenly you lose your job because someone with darker skin was willing to do the same thing for less money. You're angry. Rightfully so. You want to fight for what's yours. So you visit the American Nazi Party website to educate yourself about the Great Cause of White Separatism, and what do you see? Streaming updates on our local rallies? Inspiring footage of Hitler addressing the Reichstag? Nope. Eight rotating animated skulls and a pathetic MIDI rendition of "Flight of the Valkyries" that loops until you want to blow your brains out. ultrafilter posted:This is awesome: Here Are All Of My Opinions 28. Big bridges, like the Golden Gate Bridge, are interesting. Proper Hoodidge has a new favorite as of 08:22 on Sep 5, 2012 |
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Sep 5, 2012 08:09
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23. Delta Air Lines is the worst. I thought these were opinions and not facts?
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Sep 5, 2012 10:37
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Farmdizzle posted:23. Delta Air Lines is the worst. Well I could make the argument that United ekes out the win for factually worst.
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Sep 5, 2012 16:02
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http://www.theonion.com/video/what-is-your-amateur-porn-telling-employers-about,29438/ No no, you need to show the eyes! That's where the innocence is!
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Sep 5, 2012 16:50
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ultrafilter posted:The Onion definitely leans left a bit, but this the week of the Republican convention. Expect some Democrat-satirizing when the other convention is happening. Right you are, they seem to be balancing things up now!
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Sep 5, 2012 19:23
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Just lost it at work reading this... Clint Eastwood To Publish New Autobiography: ‘I…Where You’re Alive And They—You Write A Book About You’ http://www.theonion.com/articles/cl...ote:cta-content
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Sep 5, 2012 19:37
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Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody Probably the the first time The Onion ever left my jaw hanging.
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Sep 5, 2012 22:27
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epenthesis posted:Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody In that same spirit, Child On First Day At Refugee Camp Misses Dead Parents.
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Sep 5, 2012 23:33
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Boondock Saint posted:Just lost it at work reading this... This is awesome. The Onion posted:"When you write ... it's just that so, these people are all in our lives, all of us, and he's--but you know about--I remember 50 years ago," reads an excerpt from a chapter titled "You See The Past And It Doesn't Hurt, I Don't Know." "They were saying, but I thought--people in your own life were something to be thought about--and they were saying that back then, and even now, and I just thought, this is great."
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Sep 6, 2012 00:30
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I really hope that I didn't get this from this thread, but it's worth risking a repost: Onion Weather Center: Chief Meteorologist Mike Matthias Gives The Nightly Forecast For His Ex-Wife Sara
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Sep 6, 2012 03:11
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Holy poo poo, Onion... BREAKING: Bill Clinton Finally Just Shows America His Penis  quote:CHARLOTTE, NC—During his speech Wednesday evening at the Democratic National Convention in downtown Charlotte, former U.S. president Bill Clinton finally just unzipped his fly and showed the entire country his penis.
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Sep 6, 2012 03:55
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There are no words to describe this. Sex House Episode 9
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Sep 6, 2012 23:33
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Sex house was such a satisfying show.
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Sep 7, 2012 00:01
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Obama's 19-Year-Old Son Makes Rare Appearance At DNC The Onion is engineering content for Literally Unbelievable now. I love it.
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Sep 7, 2012 00:05
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Lysidas posted:There are no words to describe this. This is the end of an era. I can't believe they produced over an hour of Sex House.
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Sep 7, 2012 00:26
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Segmentation Fault posted:Obama's 19-Year-Old Son Makes Rare Appearance At DNC So this is, for lack of better term, a troll? Just a fake but entirely believable/mundane piece presented as real? I dunno, seems kinda low effort. But I guess they gotta do stuff like that when they have to compete against reality. Have I gotten real good stopping the page before it fully loads or has The Onion removed the 5 articles per month for international readers restriction?
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Sep 7, 2012 00:43
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Calaveron posted:Have I gotten real good stopping the page before it fully loads or has The Onion removed the 5 articles per month for international readers restriction? It was definitely still there for me when I was catching up on this thread yesterday.
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