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Heh, reminds me of this classic: Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job
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Feb 13, 2013 22:51
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UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner ...Jesus, this is dark.
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Feb 13, 2013 23:53
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In lighter news, annoyed designer-writer is at it again! Website Humiliating Itself
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Feb 14, 2013 00:43
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Shakadi posted:Hands down my favorite Taylor Swift article: ElectricWizard posted:UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner Hahaha, this has turned into something grand.
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Feb 14, 2013 01:00
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Last French Fry Told To 'Get Your rear end Over Here' Last line kills it once again.
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Feb 14, 2013 01:11
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-navy-creates-cool-new-ping-sound,6018/U.S. Navy Creates Cool New 'Ping' Sound posted:WASHINGTON—The U.S. Navy announced Monday that field tests of a cool new "ping" sound, a $3 billion project in development since the Cold War, have been an overwhelming success. "The Navy will begin retrofitting all destroyers, supercarriers, and nuclear submarines with the new sound immediately," said chief of naval operations Admiral Gary Roughead, who described the sound as "like a metallic-y sonar blip, but kind of loud like a torpedo siren." "We are extremely proud to continue the fine naval tradition of cool, important-sounding noises." Roughead refused to go into detail about the technical specifications of the new noise, saying only that its sound signifies the imminent death of everyone aboard.
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Feb 14, 2013 01:31
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ElectricWizard posted:UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner Leave it to The Onion to riff on a man burning in a cabin. And to do it well.
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Feb 14, 2013 05:15
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Eggbeater Jesus posted:Leave it to The Onion to riff on a man burning in a cabin. And to do it well. Yea it really does take skill to do dark humor well, and Onion writers have it by the bucket load.
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Feb 14, 2013 06:52
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First, look at this image from today. Then read this OP: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3533806&perpage=40&pagenumber=1 The Onion is loving brutal.
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Feb 14, 2013 19:00
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poo poo-Caked, Urine-Soaked Man Determined to Enjoy Carnival Cruise Reminds me very much of this opinion piece: I Refuse to Let Some Beached Whale Ruin Our Family Outing The Onion posted:Okay, okay, everybody just calm down. Joshua! Get back here! It was only the whale's tummy exploding a little. As the whale perishes, its body fills with gas, and then it needs somewhere to escape. It's just like when you drink a little too much soda. That's why we only brought juice on this trip. Look, this sort of thing happens during decomposition. Remember—death is just the final stage of life. Sober heads, now.
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Feb 14, 2013 20:04
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Big Grunty Secret posted:Last French Fry Told To 'Get Your rear end Over Here' This is probably my favorite in a while. The set up is so banal and then it suddenly gets dark as hell. It makes the whole thing hit that much harder.
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Feb 14, 2013 20:08
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Spaseman posted:First, look at this image from today. Well that is now my all time rapid turn around headline from them, beating the previous winner "Update: Nevermind"
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Feb 14, 2013 20:34
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Alaskan Gray Wolf Can't Believe No One Told Him He’s Got Snow On Nose 
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Feb 15, 2013 15:13
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Been giggling about this for a while now. It is just so cute imagining him pawing his face.
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Feb 15, 2013 16:44
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Report: World Now Down To 5 Stories That Are Inspirationalquote:While we could once list literally thousands of inspiring accounts of people overcoming adversity or neighbors helping one another in times of need, our researchers are currently hard-pressed to find any more than a few such stories—five, to be exact—that haven’t at some point been tainted by fraud, avarice, or murder. 
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Feb 15, 2013 18:10
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Los Angeles On High Alert As LAPD Back On Regular Duty
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Feb 15, 2013 20:15
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More Than 1,000 Russians Injured In Freaking Coolest Event Ever
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Feb 15, 2013 21:43
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Meth Actually Not That Bad For You, Report Doctors Dismantling Stereo
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Feb 15, 2013 21:50
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Nation's 24 Middle Class Citizen Glad To Hear Obama Looking Out For Them The Onion is on a roll today.
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Feb 15, 2013 21:59
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Bus Transporting Carnival Cruise Passengers Crashes Into Sewage Treatment Plant
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Feb 15, 2013 22:23
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That's the hardest I've laughed at an onion article for a while.
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Feb 15, 2013 22:32
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quote:“You tell anyone else about it, though, and I’ll kill you,” Dr. Coffey added. “I’ll loving kill you, chief. No joke.” I lost it at this part.
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Feb 16, 2013 00:08
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Study Reveals Conditions In Women's Prisons Deplorably Unsexy The Current Conditions/Proposed Reform picture is incredible.
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Feb 18, 2013 02:09
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One of the news-ticker items: "Pope Announces Harebrained Plan To Lose Virginity Over Spring Break Trip." Maybe that's the reason Popes have never been allowed to resign: Danger! Contents under pressure!
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Feb 18, 2013 03:05
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New Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time
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Feb 18, 2013 16:21
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Grandfather's Advice Pretty Bad For Someone Who's Lived That Long
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Feb 18, 2013 18:49
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Governor Too Embarrassed To Say Which State He Leads
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Feb 18, 2013 20:29
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Brother Jonathan posted:One of the news-ticker items: "Pope Announces Harebrained Plan To Lose Virginity Over Spring Break Trip." Maybe that's the reason Popes have never been allowed to resign: Danger! Contents under pressure!
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Feb 18, 2013 20:35
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Homosexual Tearfully Admits To Being Governor Of New Jersey
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Feb 18, 2013 21:01
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More fun brutality from The Onion. Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life "July 1993: Wins $2,000,000 bet that his father would be murdered at a rest area"
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Feb 18, 2013 21:13
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Person One Season Ahead In TV Show Doling Out Counsel Like Wise Elder Everything in this is perfect, right down to how the guy looks and his stupid knife holder in the back.
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Feb 18, 2013 21:39
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internet celebrity posted:Person One Season Ahead In TV Show Doling Out Counsel Like Wise Elder God drat it, guilty as charged. They even got the Breaking Bad part right
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Feb 18, 2013 22:15
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Chris Brown's Agent Suggests Suicide Could Be Great Career Move
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Feb 18, 2013 22:34
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Oscar Pistorius Swears Bloody Cricket Bat From Different Murder The last line is particularly good/horrifying.
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Feb 18, 2013 22:56
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Area Throat-Clearer To Go See MovieThe Onion posted:After downloading a new "La Cucaracha" ring tone for his cell phone, Pollack went to pick up two of his friends, an 87-year-old woman who doesn't follow plotlines well and a colicky 2-month-old. Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues Rene Magritte's Estate The Onion posted:"I only recently became aware of the painting's existence when an acquaintance slipped a Polaroid of the work between the apple and my face," said Renfro, who suspects that Magritte may have seen him while he was purchasing a bowler hat and topcoat in Brussels in the early 1960s.
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Feb 18, 2013 23:25
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It is similar to this classic: New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive. It still pops up sometimes on Literally Unbelievable.
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Feb 19, 2013 01:16
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Paranoid Syrian Man Thinks Government Out To Get Him And as a bonus, the best Literally Unbelievable entry ever.
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Feb 19, 2013 01:27
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Dell Acquired By Gateway 2000 In Merger Of 2 Biggest Names In Computer Technology Officemates Unwittingly Spend Entire Workday Talking To Each Other On Grindr
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Feb 19, 2013 01:35
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Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are quote:"Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling," said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU's prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. "Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it."
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Feb 19, 2013 05:19
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I'd forgotten this one: Scholars Discover 23 Blank Pages That May As Well Be Lost Samuel Beckett Play
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Feb 19, 2013 05:29
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