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remember when david saw a hot babe and totally killed her husband to bang her like some game of thrones poo poo and god was hella mad p rad
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May 31, 2014 22:49
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| # ? Apr 29, 2024 01:00 |
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christards. am i right folks?
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May 31, 2014 22:50
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Nowadays I'd be the woman getting killed so he can get the husband you know what im saying?
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May 31, 2014 22:50
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butplug accident posted:christards. am i right folks? stop it right now, this thread was not made for an atheist goon circlejerk young man
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May 31, 2014 22:51
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st. bartholomew got flayed then crucified upside down
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May 31, 2014 22:52
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One time there was this really strong dude, and then he tore a lion in half.
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May 31, 2014 22:52
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The Father, The Son, And The Holy Spirit are homosexuals.
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May 31, 2014 22:52
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quote:Ehud then approached him while he was sitting alone in the upper room of his palace and said, “I have a message from God for you.” As the king rose from his seat, Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king’s belly. Even the handle sank in after the blade, and his bowels discharged. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it. Then Ehud went out to the porch; he shut the doors of the upper room behind him and locked them. Judges is some hardcore poo poo.
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May 31, 2014 22:53
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nvm BEATEN
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May 31, 2014 22:54
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One time there were a lot of women in the bible, an' they got raped.  innocence.
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May 31, 2014 22:55
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lmao if you seriously believe in the bible instead of the quran
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May 31, 2014 22:56
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quote:In the same way, I became disgusted with Oholibah and rejected her, just as I had rejected her sister, because she flaunted herself before them and gave herself to satisfy their lusts. 19Yet she turned to even greater prostitution, remembering her youth when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20She lusted after lovers with genitals as large as a donkey’s and emissions like those of a horse. 21And so, Oholibah, you relived your former days as a young girl in Egypt, when you first allowed your breasts to be fondled.
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May 31, 2014 22:56
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Lot's daughters got him drunk so he'd gently caress them after God demolished soddom and gomorrah. This was after lot offered them up to a gang of rapists so they wouldn't buttfuck his new bros.
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May 31, 2014 22:57
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Something something sickin bears on bullies something something.
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May 31, 2014 22:58
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mazzi Chart Czar posted:One time there were a lot of women in the bible, an' they got raped. whenever I see that emote it looks like a guy in a powdered wig holding a glass of wine
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May 31, 2014 23:02
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Reset Button posted:remember when david saw a hot babe and totally killed her husband to bang her like some game of thrones poo poo and god was hella mad Never would have happened if he had spilled his seed elsewhere.
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May 31, 2014 23:12
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Reset Button posted:remember when david saw a hot babe and totally killed her husband to bang her like some game of thrones poo poo and god was hella mad woah thats pretty hot, which part from bible is this
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May 31, 2014 23:15
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frajaq posted:woah thats pretty hot, which part from bible is this i dont remember honest 2 god (hee hee) we learned abt it in sunday school and it's one of the few stories i can remember bc of how metal it was i also remember there was a veggie tales of it and the hot babe was replaced with a ducky or smth
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May 31, 2014 23:21
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the whole world building thing would've been a drag so it was condensed into a big swirly weeklong event jam-packed with your favorite bands of the 90s
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May 31, 2014 23:21
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Eve said, "Wanna come up and gently caress?" "Why not?", said Adam. The first one off with her clothes was Eve. Her perky tits said hello to Adam like they were friendly next door neighbors, and her pussy dripped with anticipation of what Adam had concealed in his tight blue jeans. She got on her knees and unzipped him. Yep, she was right again. It was a big hard cock. Eve then looked up at Adam giving him her doe-like gently caress me eyes. "I guess this is for me." Adam still staring into her eyes licked his lips almost as if he was preparing to do to himself what Eve was about to do to him. "Yeah, that's for you baby. Merry Christmas." Eve smiled her luscious lips mere milliseconds away from wrapping around his veiny schlong. "Happy Hanukkah," she quickly giggled and then proceeded to get down to business. Eve sucked Adam's cock ferociously like it contained all the unknown secrets of the universe. Adam's face clinched in ecstasy. "God, she's good," he thought. "Nobody gives a BJ like Eve." Eight full minutes went by. Eve would have kept going too but Adam had to stop her. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Nothing's wrong baby. It's just if you keep sucking me like this I'm definitely going to cum, and I don't wanna do that yet." "Oh yeah? What do you wanna do instead?" Eve asked with a sweaty grin. Adam mirrored her grin. "Oh just a little something I like to call 'bobbin' for pussy pubes'" Eve liked the sound of that. "Bob away you dirty gently caress pig!" Adam picked Eve up and threw her on the bed. He then spread her pink legs and immediately shoved his face into something even pinker. He then proceeded to let his tongue dance on Eve's clit like Baryshnikov, swirling and twirling with the greatest of ease. He painted her fence with not one, not two, but 47 saliva coats. Just then Eve slapped him across the face and without warning took Adam's rock hard beef love and shoved it into her hot hairy oven. At first Adam just teased her, just dipping in the tip of his head. And then after a couple of tip tests of the old twat water, plunged his whole hard beef thermometer into her tight lower mouth. Eve screamed in ecstasy. "That's right, gently caress me good! gently caress me good, Bozo! Put your balls in my bucket and get 50 points you goddamn perverted clown! Yeah Bozo, gently caress me right!" Adam grunted in between thrusts. "Why do you keep calling me Bozo?" "Because you're a clown! You're a cock clown! Now go over to my dresser and put on your clown make up and cock me some more you sick molesty fucker." Adam looked at Eve's dresser and sure enough there was clown make up on top of it. He got up off her bed and walked over to the dresser and quickly did what his master had commanded him to do. He spread the white and red paint on his face in a way it looked like he had been crying for two hours. "How is this?" he asked. "Perfect you loving clown. Now come over her and funny gently caress me." Adam walked over to the bed, but this time Eve threw him down on the bed. "You might be a clown, but I'm a cowgirl." Eve slid on top of Adam backwards, and slid her slit down his pole. She then proceeded to bounce. "Bucking bronco! Bucking bronco! Take your ride on the Bozo loving bronco!" Adam was starting to lose control. He knew he was going to shoot his load at any second. Her hot fat rear end bouncing on his dick like that, it was enough to make the Pope want to gently caress. Eve was about to climax too. Her moans and groans transformed into screams. There was no doubt about it. She was on a one way trip to orgasm town. "I have a surprise for you," she said as she yelped with pleasure. "What's that?" Adam said, trying to last for a couple more minutes. "I'm a squirter." Just then Eve stood up off Adam's cock and proceeded to spray him with gallons and gallons of her sweet savory cunny juice all over his six pack. It was too much for Adam. He matched her vagina squirts with a boatload of hot vanilla jizz. It was so thick it looked like he had a Crest toothpaste factory in his ball sack. Then, when their fruits were fully juiced. They collapsed right beside each other. Grant DaNasty fucked around with this message at 00:12 on Jun 1, 2014 |
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Jun 1, 2014 00:10
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Reset Button posted:i dont remember honest 2 god (hee hee) he sent her husband to the front lines of some war to die and then married her p hot for sure
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Jun 1, 2014 00:24
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http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/bathsheba/a/021511-CW-Bathsheba_2.htm here ya go got her pregnant first whoa baby
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Jun 1, 2014 00:26
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reading the actual bible will improve you, whereas this thread will leave you saying 'oh right they're changing the tone of bible stuff and sometimes getting it wrong. hm v funny'
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Jun 1, 2014 00:28
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I read the thread title as "ted rall stories from the bible itt" I think I need to spend less time in the political cartoon thread. fake edit: bible sucks, op is a faggy christian or maybe a jew
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Jun 1, 2014 00:28
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Red Suit posted:whenever I see that emote it looks like a guy in a powdered wig holding a glass of wine Well you ruined that emote for me.
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Jun 1, 2014 00:30
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god knocks on abrahams door and is like "hey, i want dinner, let me in." and abraham is like "uhhh ok" and then they're having his dinner and abrahams loving wife stars crying about how she cant have kids, and god is like "dont worry, youll have kids" and she sasses him all like "nuh uh i wont i already tried" and god goes "what was that? excuse me bitch?" and she goes "nothing... nothing i didnt say anything" and god is all up on her like "listen the gently caress up, i'm yahweh and if i say you're going to have kids, you're gonna have some mother loving kids. they will be like the grains of sand on the beach which i also made you dumb gently caress". and then she has many god drat kids
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Jun 1, 2014 00:33
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I like when this dude rapes and kills his wife, and when two strangers come along and are all like "wtf happened here?" he says "uhhh my brother did it" and then they all go and kill dude's brother. I also liked it when these guys stole the ark of the covenant and got genital warts, but when the jews got the ark back and some dude was so excited that he opened it up, god killed 50,000 jews.
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Jun 1, 2014 00:36
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pontius pilate wrote "THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS" on the head of jesus's cross and when people complained he told them to gently caress off
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Jun 1, 2014 00:42
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Proverbs 23:27-28 "For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit. She also lieth in wait as for a prey, and increaseth the transgressors among men." could go for a lil trangressing myself...
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Jun 1, 2014 00:50
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Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet. Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? Didn’t it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn’t the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied just to human beings but to God." When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died. And great fear seized all who heard what had happened. Then some young men came forward, wrapped up his body, and carried him out and buried him. About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. Peter asked her, "Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?" "Yes," she said, "that is the price." Peter said to her, "How could you conspire to test the Spirit of the Lord? Listen! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also." At that moment she fell down at his feet and died. Then the young men came in and, finding her dead, carried her out and buried her beside her husband. Great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events.
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Jun 1, 2014 00:53
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the moral of the story is give everything you own to the community
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Jun 1, 2014 00:54
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early catholicism was literally a communist terror state
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Jun 1, 2014 00:55
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there's a hill somewhere in the Holy Land that's made entirely of Israelite foreskins (Jos 5:3)
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Jun 1, 2014 00:57
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God let the devil kill all Job's children on a bet, but it was all good because after God won the bet, he made sure that job got even more kids.
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Jun 1, 2014 00:58
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The Dregs posted:God let the devil kill all Job's children on a bet, but it was all good because after God won the bet, he made sure that job got even more kids. just to prove a point to Satan, who in the end I think won
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Jun 1, 2014 01:04
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i like the part where god comes to earth as a man and redeems humankind
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Jun 1, 2014 01:20
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the Prince of Egypt was a good movie
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Jun 1, 2014 01:21
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Luigi Thirty posted:the moral of the story is give everything you own to the community don't cheat on your tithes by making living expenses tax-deductible.
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Jun 1, 2014 01:22
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The Feldman Felcher posted:Proverbs 23:27-28 Lord, please drag this ox from a strange woman on this sabbath day...
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Jun 1, 2014 01:26
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My fave was when god ruined that one dudes life over a bet with the devil and afterwards acted all  and didn't give him back any I his poo poo.I was like "drat god, you're kind of a dick!"
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Jun 1, 2014 01:27
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