Red Minjo posted:

The comic book version of this hentai ended not that long back, have a spoiler of the funniest page of the last 3 chapters:


http://i.imgur.com/EgYQnN3.jpg

Pins posted:

We did it, guys.

Why did I loving write this posted:

Naruto: An Abridged SHitstory
Chapter 1: A Hentai is Born
So the story begins with exposition about the Hidden Leaf Village, Konoha, or Konohagakure or what the gently caress ever. See, this is a village full of ninjas and ninja people, and their boss ninjas are called Hokages. A giant fox starts ruining everything for the village one night seemingly out of the blue. The latest Hokage, 4th one to be exact, sacrifices his life to seal the giant fox inside a baby. The last episode of the LP explains this event better than I could, but we didn't know most of what happens in it when the series started.
When we cut to 10 or so years later, the baby is now a Naruto, a piece of poo poo who defaces national monuments so he can get attention. This would make sense for a child who has no parents and no one who cares about him I guess, but it turns out nobody likes him for other reasons too. See, the giant gently caress-off fox from the flashback that happens before the story actually starts is kind of a big deal. And by big deal I mean it's a demon and people are afraid of it since it wrecked their poo poo in the recent past. “Hey you see that kid who has the giant demon inside him, who if enraged could probably kill us all? Let's ostracize him so when the killing spree happens he'll have no reason for remorse!” Sure there's probably the mentality that he's responsible for the death of their ninja king and his wife, but you'd think it'd be more divisive than 'everyone but 3 people hate his guts'. But I digress.
Okay I guess I should explain the ninja hierarchy a little so some things make more sense. There are 4 ranks of ninja: Genin (1st), Chuunin (2nd), Jonin (3rd), and Kage (Boss Ninja). I'm just gonna call them by their rank order since no one needs to loving remember this poo poo.
This 2nd rank ninja named Iruka is basically Naruto's dad since his parents both bit the big one during the fox attack. Iruka teaches the babbies who want to be ninjas one day the basics at baby ninja school. Naruto is a tremendous fuckup who actively ignores orders or fails when he doesn't. He's tried getting into Big Boy Ninja School but of course he can't because he turns into a titty girl instead of a log. A ninja turn into he own hentai, a shameful ninja.
Basically, Iruka encourages his bad behavior by buying him ramen every time he fucks up. Then after another goddamn failure, some other ninja with powers comparable to Iruka's shows up and basically says “Hey Naruto if you steal this forbidden ninja scroll for me I'll get you into Big Boy School.” Naruto, being dumb poo poo, agrees and somehow manages to steal a scroll that holds a forbidden technique. My question here is under what condition was the scroll was being held? If it was so dangerous that it had to be forbidden, why can some kid just sneak in and steal it? I'm sure people have brought this up a lot but it's loving dumb so I will too. EDIT: Turns out he turned into a hentai against boss ninja too and that knocked him out, letting him steal the scroll (Thanks Covok)
So Naruto goes out into the woods to meet Sir Not-Reappearing-In-This-Film to give him the scroll, because this guy's totally trustworthy and it makes complete sense for a legitimate ninja teacher to bring a child out into the middle of the woods at night. Hey guess what, it turns out he was a bad guy all along, and wants to use the secret technique to be strong! He tries to kill Naruto, but Iruka jumps in the way to eat poo poo in his place. Naruto gets super mad and then reads the scroll. Said scroll lets him make basically a million of himself, much to the chagrin of the animation studio that picked the series up when it got popular. Naruto's hundreds of clones beat the poo poo out of Villain of the Week #1, and Iruka gets the academy to let Naruto bypass the entrance exam for Big Boy School, despite nearly causing catastrophic damage to the village.
Believe it or not it gets better before it gets worse.
The beginning of the series isn't bad enough to provide the catharsis for writing this that I hoped for.
Next Time: let's meet the worst character in the history of fiction
#NaNoWriMo

Pins posted:

HERE WE GO EVERYONE.

TwoPair posted:

So wait if the one time the seal weakens and people can steal the demon and/or the demon can escape is during childbirth, why did they keep sealing it in women? That seems like an easy fix.

Also Narudad says that the Nine Tails has too much chakra to ever be contained, conveniently ignoring the fact that it was just inside of his wife until 20 minutes ago.

Also also why did Narudad warp the fox away where it could move freely and put him and his family in danger rather than leave it underneath massive smokin' toad? Surely that guy could've held down the fox in time for at least enough time for Narudad to warp to his family, warp back, and maybe figure out some non-suicidal way to seal the drat thing back up.


Please answer these questions for me Steak Justice.

The Steak Justice posted:

Hey I'm not funny! Read my wall of text about what is literally just a recap of the first chapter of Naruto!


I'll put pictures in later if you want. You know, to help break up the massive text wall. I'm really looking forward to the parts that I'm fond of, but what I'm REALLY looking forward to is the parts I hate, which is most of it if I recall.

Covok posted:

I'm a nerd enough to remember how a kid managed to steal the scroll. It's explained in the managa, not in the anime, IIRC. Basically, the Boss ninja finds him sneaking in, decides to approach him about (probably 'cause he knows he is a trouble maker and not a real threat), and the kid turns into a sexy chick and, due to ANIME LOGIC, the old man passes out from his erection nose bleed.

gently caress it, might as well just post the page.



Edit: If you think this is dumb, naruto has a running motif (?) that the strongest people are the most vulnerable to sex appeal based attacks. No really, this is a thing in the story. He even distracts the ancient goddess of chakra thing by turning into a collection of hot men and almost succeeds in sealing her away with that distraction.

The Steak Justice posted:

Since this hentai just ended would anyone be opposed to me rambling about all the bullshit that happens while also giving context to the people who don't know what the gently caress is going on? Because I feel like I need as therapy in the wake of me wasting like 10 years of my life on this loving poo poo.
e: okay this post is coming soon then

constantinople posted:

All I know is that Sasuke and Naruto don't get together and this made some people on Tumblr really, really angry.

YOU WIN... REGRET. posted:

Chapter 2: Naruto Goes to School
Having just been rewarded for loving up again, Naruto enters the Ninja Academy where all the kids who aren't complete garbage end up. However, he is attacked by a little poo poo who's even worse at everything than he is: Konohamaru, the grandson of the 3rd Hokage, who is essentially just small Naruto. Konohamaru wants to be the Hokage so people will respect him, so he demands Naruto teach him how to turn into a sexy lady since it has proven effective against the current Hokage, as seen last time. Naruto tells him that it's HIS dream to be Hokage, so they agree that Naruto can be it first on the condition that Konohamaru is next in line. The funny joke is that they're both garbage but you know that Naruto's gonna have to be the Hokage or dead by the end of the series, and it's a shonen named after him so that really leaves just the one option.
Anyway, now Naruto's in school, and he gets assigned to Team 7 (the team numbers don't really mean anything) with 2 other graduates, both of whom have earned my loathing and nothing else. First up is Sakura, the bubbly ninja girl who's actually also loving garbo at everything but at least she can read books and do basic poo poo like turning into a log, which is apparently enough to graduate. Naruto has a big crush on her because she has pink hair or some poo poo, but she rejects him because Naruto's a loving garbage human. But then, then we meet the kid who becomes the second lead of the series, and oh boy is he a doozy. Sasuke Uchiha, child prodigy and sole survivor of the Uchiha Clan (unfortunately you'll have to remember this in about 10 chapters and then for the rest of the series,) is an angsty little poo poo who refuses to let anyone get close to him, so all the girlies are crazy for his spiky-haired rear end. Sasuke loving sucks and you'll see why in the future. Sasuke is really good at everything so Naruto decides that Sasuke is now his rival, despite Sasuke wanting literally nothing to do with him. Naruto becomes that clingy kid who's not really your friend but tries to hang out with you all the time anyway to Sasuke. Some stupid poo poo happens where he drinks spoiled milk and tries to look like Sasuke to kiss Sakura but ends up making GBS threads himself instead, and then he and Sasuke kiss for some reason, which paved the way for fanfiction for a decade plus to come.
After the ninja slice of life bullshit is over, they meet their teacher Kakashi, who is one of the few redeeming qualities of the series. Kakashi is a 3rd rank ninja, and is really good at everything too. He likes to read smut in public and doesn't give a gently caress about anything except the rules. On meeting his students he gives them a challenge that they must complete or he'll kick them out of the academy again; take the silver bells from his belt. There are 2 bells so the kids assume one of them will fail, so they all just try their own thing. Sasuke hides and formulates a plan, Sakura hides and waits for Kakashi to maybe get killed by Sasuke so she can steal a bell from his corpse or something. On the flipside, Naruto runs headlong into Kakashi in an attempt to beat the poo poo out him using regular old fisticuffs, which ends up getting him little more than a finger shoved up his butthole (I feel this loses a little something when you actually know the context). Naruto, dejected, goes and tries to eat everyone's lunch while the others distract his new teacher. Sasuke tries to do the same thing but with strategies. Comparably to Naruto, he also eats poo poo. Sakura basically gives up.
Since they fail to get the bells by noon, Kakashi basically tells them that they're dumb idiots and are getting only one more chance to pass his lesson, but at least they get to each their lunch now or something. Naruto gets tied up to a post so that he can't eat any because he tried to eat it all before, and Kakashi promises expulsion if they feed him. Sasuke doesn't give a poo poo and feels bad that Naruto is so terrible that he gives him some of his lunch anyway. Kakashi comes back super pissed but it turns out he was kidding because feeding Naruto at the risk of his own expulsion means that he passed the test, because it was actually about teamwork and this was the first teamwork they did at all.
Soon, they will go on a mission and everything will get hosed up really fast.
Next Time: Weekend at Zabuza's
#NaNoWriMo

Covok posted:

Edit: If you think this is dumb, naruto has a running motif (?) that the strongest people are the most vulnerable to sex appeal based attacks. No really, this is a thing in the story. He even distracts the ancient goddess of chakra thing by turning into a collection of hot men and almost succeeds in sealing her away with that distraction.

Level Slide posted:

Naruto lives on in Masashi Kishimoto's next manga.

Pins posted:

I am enjoying the write up as it's written from the perspective of someone who perceivable hates it.

Schubalts posted:

I think that time was more of a "What the gently caress?" reaction.

Kuvo posted:

yo pins if you (or anyone else) figures out how to export the models for this game in a way that the manga comic maker thing on steam can read i will make some NARUTO X LP SLASHFIC comics

Sydin posted:

I feel so bad for the modelers who had to render this hour of bullshit.

Also when I was in HS and an ultra-nerd, I read this poo poo and toilet mask man was retarded. As in he was literally mentally handicapped. He was a gag character and his team mates constantly made jokes about how retarded he was. I guess that was just a ruse or some poo poo and he's actually the ultimate evil?

Kuvo posted:

yo pins if you (or anyone else) figures out how to export the models for this game in a way that the manga comic maker thing on steam can read i will make some NARUTO X LP SLASHFIC comics

Kuvo posted:

yo pins if you (or anyone else) figures out how to export the models for this game in a way that the manga comic maker thing on steam can read i will make some NARUTO X LP SLASHFIC comics

A NINJA LEGEND posted:

Chapter 3: Weekend at Zabuza's
So now the trio of ninja kids are Genins, 1st rank ninjas who basically get to do babby poo poo like get cats out of trees or buy groceries for old ladies. You know, ninja stuff. Naruto is a huge fuckup, but wants to go on an exciting mission instead the grunt work that, you know, even competent ninjas of his rank have to go on. Grandpa Hokage is like “Well okay you little poo poo, if you're gonna be such an ingrate, enjoy your escort mission!” So Team 7 (the main characters), go and meet this bridge builder, Tazuna, who can tell right off the bat that Naruto is a piece of poo poo. I like Tazuna.
The mission is to safely escort Tazuna to the Land of Waves, named such because of all the water what's surrounding it. On the way there a couple of throwaway villains jump them, seemingly kill Kakashi (spoiler: he turns into a log), and stab Naruto in the hand because he acts a chicken poo poo during the whole encounter. Sasuke beats the baddies up and Sakura is like “omg sasuke you're so kawaii” and Naruto gets pissy and stabs his stab wound to get poison out of it. He tries to make up some bullshit about the wound in his hand representing his refusal to run away from then on or something, but it really doesn't matter because I don't even think it's referenced past this arc.
Tazuna basically explains that some corporate fat cat named Gato (you see gato is spanish for cat and he's round in stature and) basically owns the Land of Waves through sheer money, which becomes very unusual given that in the future of the series there's nearly no one with any clout that's not a ninja. Essentially, the plan is to build this bridge that lets the people trade with the mainland and cuts off Gato's shipping routes. Gato's loving pissed and is trying to kill the bridge builder because greed. So basically the mission is more dangerous than they were lead to believe and poo poo's generally hosed for Team 7.
Meanwhile at Gato's swanky opium den, Gato hears that his assassins failed to kill Tazuna and he's hopping mad. There's a dude with a face-mask named Zabuza who is apparently really expensive to hire, and keeps threatening Gato's life because Gato's a shrimpy little fucker and Zabuza considers himself a big dick G. He then heads out. His goal: Tazuna's head.
Team 7 is just walking around for a bit. Naruto almost kills a bunny like a dumb poo poo, and then a giant fuckoff sword flies out from nowhere and almost ends the story early but hits a tree instead. Zabuza tries to be a cool guy by landing on the handle, but his parachute pants and camo armbands fail him. Kakashi decides to show off his cool eye transplant. You see, some ninjas have special eyes that need the right brand of eyeglasses, and Kakashi has one from Sasuke's dead clan, which leaves the little angsty rear end in a top hat notably hosed in the head. Kakashi explains that he's not an Uchiha, but just got the eye at some point that will be revealed when it's convenient for the story. Basically, the eye, called the Sharingan, is full of loving bullshit, but the thing it does at this point in the story is make it really easy to copy movements, so Kakashi basically copies every magic tidal wave and dog made out of water that Zabuza tries to throw at him (this kind of poo poo is actually tame for what's to come). Zabuza tries to end the series early again by jumping between the kids and Tazuna, but Kakashi stabs him only for him to be made of water! Turns out Zabuza has Naruto powers but his clones are made of Water instead of Ninja Magic Bullshit Material. Zabuza traps Kakashi in a ball of water which somehow immobilizes him but doesn't make him drown. The kids do some bullshit where Naruto disguises as a giant shuriken and gets thrown behind Zabuza, throwing a kunai from that angle, which breaks Zabuza's concentration. Kakashi goes in to finish the fight but gets KS'd by some kid in a mask named Haku. Haku says he was sent to kill Zabuza, and Kakashi decides he seems legit. Haku takes the body and fucks off.
They get to Tazuna's house, Kakashi passes out what from all the chakra he used up (we'll get to that) and the kids all eat a bunch of food because it's an anime.
Next Time: Metal Gear Zabuza: Revengeance

I think he stops saying Believe It around the end of this one posted:

Chapter 4: zabuza didn't die turns out
Kakashi puts together the pieces of Zabuza's assassination pretty quickly, in that tiny needles usually don't kill people and that hunter ninjas like Haku usually just get rid of the body instead of taking it away. Kakashi basically realizes he hosed up but is also really weak from overexerting himself so when Zabuza comes back they're pretty hosed. So he decides to teach the kids how to climb trees. With ninja magic of course. Basically we learn that you can focus chakra, which is basically the magic energy inside of ninjas, to points in your body to allow you to do poo poo like walk on water or walk up trees. Mostly things involving walking is the point I'm trying to get across. So basically Sakura is the only one who's good at hanging upside down from a tree branch so Naruto and Sasuke have to keep training, leaving the otherwise garbage Sakura in charge of defending Tazuna. During guard duty, Sakura discovers some lovely brat, who happens to be Tazuna's grandson, being all sad about a picture of his dead dad.
Alright, so it's pretty obvious that Gato, the rich businessman with lovely hair and a den of assassins, isn't a very good guy. Nah, Naruto says, we've gotta drive this point home! So the little kid's dad basically was a local hero, but when Gato came to town he decided to make an example of him for no other reason than to establish that Gato, the guy who is trying to kill people for cutting into his profit margin, is a bad person. Tl;dr version of the story is the kid's dad gets crucified in a public square and everyone feels lovely forever in their town.
Naruto sneaks out to get some R&R from his tree climbing training and meets this bishonen (to those who are lucky enough to not know what this means, it's basically a dude that looks like a hot chick) and they talk for a bit and fuckboy talks about wanting to protect the person most important to him. This probably wouldn't matter except then you find out that IT WAS HAKU ALL ALONG. This also sets the stage for a common thematic element in Naruto: Obvious Foreshadowing. Foreshadowing is one thing but Naruto will beat you over the head with it until you realize “oh hey this guy's going to be the villain” or “oh this character's going to die.” Sometime after that the kid comes out and calls Naruto a lovely dork but Naruto's like “Hey, gently caress you I'm gonna be the Hokage so learn to stand up for yourself!” and it works. loving hell. Then Naruto saves his mom from thugs or something. Really lovely thugs mind you since Naruto beat them.
But then, the place where the bridge is being built is under attack! Holy poo poo it's Zabuza no way. Haku's there too and it turns out he's also the last of his kind, and the only ninja on earth who can use Ice magic because the rest of them are dead. Sasuke gives chase and starts loving with Haku's poo poo. But oh snap, Haku makes a bunch of mirrors out of ice and makes a giant igloo of mirrors around Sasuke and starts throwing a bunch of needles at him. Sasuke seems pretty hosed but then Naruto jumps into the middle of the igloo and gets trapped too. Naruto proves once again to be the master of unlocking in this instance. At some point Sasuke gets the Sharingan too. This eyeball related event plants the seed that grows into the series' eventual shittening.
Meanwhile, Kakashi is fighting Zabuza because Zabuza would otherwise tear through his students like tissue paper. Zabuza uses the brilliant strategy of closing his eyes so that Kakashi's whirly eye can't hypnotize him. Kakashi gets pretty hosed up in the process and takes a body blow for Tazuna.
Back at Ice Station Zebra, Haku is about to kill Naruto but then Sasuke jumps in the way! He's finally come to learn friendship or something! Then he goes on rambling about wanting to get revenge on a certain nonspecific person that for plot reasons he won't just say is his brother. Naruto gets pissed that Sasuke ate poo poo hard and the fox inside him gets out a little. He proceeds to beat the everloving gently caress out of Haku before he vanishes. You see, during this time, Kakashi did a thing where a bunch of ninja dogs came out of the ground and held Zabuza in place so Kakashi could charge up his super move. Kakashi collects a ball of lightning in his hand and charges at the immobilized Zabuza. RULES OF NATURE- oh wait Haku jumps in front of the attack instead, dying in the process. YOU SEE HE WANTED TO PROTECT SOMEONE SPECIAL AND
Zabuza tries to cut Kakashi in half through Haku. It turns out he didn't care about him at all! OR DID HE? Kakashi fucks up both of Zabuza's arms because suddenly he's king dick again and Zabuza is putty in his hands. Then Gato shows up and is like 'Hey dipshit you're taking too long so I'm gonna kill you' and basically like a million grunts try to kill Zabuza, who in his final moments face turns and kills as many of them as he can with a single dagger in his mouth, eventually getting to Gato and stabbing him the gently caress to death before he himself fell to the ground next to Haku's corpse. He has a sentimental moment where HE REALLY DID CARE ALL ALONG! Tazuna then does the dumbest poo poo and names the bridge after Naruto because he's an inspiration to his grandson or some bullshit. Also Sasuke lives. gently caress the ending of this arc. Next arc is better, and the best part of it is literally about taking a written test.
Next Time: Chunin Exams! Setting the high water mark that will never be touched again.

Herr Tog posted:

That was nice. You can stop now.

toddy. posted:

Holy poo poo Great Joe stop posting.

Pins posted: