GiP Drunk Thread 2k15: Merry Christmas from the beaniesons!

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Internet VFW > GiP Drunk Thread 2k15: Merry Christmas from the beaniesons!

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Whip Slagcheek: Sep 21, 2008; Finally
The Gasoline And Dynamite
Will Light The Sky
For The Night

They're actually p funny stories. I posted a solid one in the cop lounge.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 05:50

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 01:30

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Goddam do broken ribs loving suck. My arm moves more than a few degrees and it hurts to breathe. Doctor gave me some awesome drugs though

# ? Jul 29, 2015 06:14

Nostalgia4Butts: Jun 1, 2006; WHERE MY HOSE DRINKERS AT

Booblord Zagats posted:

Goddam do broken ribs loving suck. My arm moves more than a few degrees and it hurts to breathe. Doctor gave me some awesome drugs though

yes they goddamn do

i broke 3 of them when i was robbed working at a gas station once, it fuckin sucked

# ? Jul 29, 2015 06:19

Kung Fu Fist Fuck: Aug 9, 2009

Booblord Zagats posted:

Goddam do broken ribs loving suck. My arm moves more than a few degrees and it hurts to breathe. Doctor gave me some awesome drugs though

maybe next time youll think before back sassing your mother

# ? Jul 29, 2015 06:24

bloops: Dec 31, 2010; Thanks Ape Pussy!

Nostalgia4Butts posted:

yes they goddamn do

i broke 3 of them when i was robbed working at a gas station once, it fuckin sucked

What happened?

# ? Jul 29, 2015 07:12

Dead Reckoning: Sep 13, 2011

A dude broke three of his ribs and took the money from the gas station he was working at.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 07:32

US Berder Patrol: Jul 11, 2006; oorah

Dead Reckoning posted:

A dude broke three of his ribs and took the money from the gas station he was working at.

you couldn't possibly know what kind of gender or -kin the robber identified as

# ? Jul 29, 2015 07:45

bloops: Dec 31, 2010; Thanks Ape Pussy!

Well he said I, which is why I was asking if there was more to the story.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 07:46

Naked Bear: Apr 15, 2007; Boners was recorded before a studio audience that was alive!

DownByTheWooter posted:

you couldn't possibly know what kind of gender or -kin the robber identified as

You really think that some idiot with tail buttplug and fuzzy ears can break a grown man's ribs? Come on.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 07:51

US Berder Patrol: Jul 11, 2006; oorah

Spicy Guacamole posted:

You really think that some idiot with tail buttplug and fuzzy ears can break a grown man's ribs? Come on.

there are some yoked as f trannies out there

# ? Jul 29, 2015 07:53

Nostalgia4Butts: Jun 1, 2006; WHERE MY HOSE DRINKERS AT

holocaust bloopers posted:

Well he said I, which is why I was asking if there was more to the story.

yeah, there is

im high af right now but i will try to tell it

right after basic and ait i came home and started up school again (because i was a nasty girl). i needed work, and a girl i worked with at an old job got me a shift at a cumberland farms, which is like a lovely wawa/loaf and jug/711/ whatever place that there's a million of in CT and MA.

i worked 3pm-12am at the only gas station in my lil town of 8000 that was open after 10pm. after 9pm it was dead so i would bring in a tv and my playstation and play tony hawk 2 for the rest of the night, selling cigarettes to the people leaving the bar and going to class during the day

since there was nothing much else to do around town my friends used to come down and hang out while i was working which was p. chill

one night my buddy and his gf were hanging out, smoking a cig in front of the store when a car pulls up, parks in the handicap spot, and the dude and girl are arguing while pointing at the store. they drive off after a minute, while we chuckle at their yelling

we go back in and drink slurpees or whatever cumberland farms had, and i grab the trash bags to toss them in the dumpster in the back since there was like a half hour left of the shift. when i walk out, i see the same pontiac sunfire and the dude and lady being all mad at each other. when they see me, they drive off again. i throw the bags in the dumpster, and walk back in to the store. i call the cops, just askin them to drive by and see if they see a sunfire. Dispatcher said they'd be there in like 10 minutes.

10 min later the three of us walk out front to have another cig and see if they're out there again or if the cops were chilling in the lot- nope. We smoke and head back in the store.

about 30 seconds after we walked in the dude and lady storm in the store. the girl starts screaming at my buddy's girlfriend like she was banging her boyfriend. "ARE YOU loving MY BOYFRIEND?!? ARE YOU loving MY BOYFRIEND?!?" while swinging a tire iron like she was donatello on quaaludes. the dude starts screaming that she's crazy, and that she has a tire iron.

She then starts smashing up the candyracks with the iron while screaming she wanted all the money. We had a louisville slugger leaned behind the counter, which was never used because this town was so drat small. I grabbed that poo poo and smashed it against the counter and just yelled at them to get the gently caress out. this seemed to shock everyone since im 6'5" these people were like 5'8 tops (aka the ol' Vasudeus height). I had also wore an Army PT shirt and my dogtags were hanging out because i was a tremendous human being who had left basic like 2 months beforehand and was craving the green cock bad.

So anyways, I smash the counter with the louisville and scream at them to get the gently caress out. everyone jumps, and the girl gets loving PISSED. She starts saying some stupid poo poo while her and the dude start backing out. She throws the sunglasses spinner on the way. I look at my friend and his girl, they're ok.

here's the dumb loving part of the story. My buddy starts running out to see the license plate. I should've stopped him and just waited for them to drive. nope, i was just like "YEAH LETS GET THEIR PLATE NUMBER" and ran out the door behind them

so we stand outside the front door. when you walk out the door there's a sidewalk, and directly to the left is the handicapped spot. the lady's in the car, and the dude sees us as he's going in his car and he starts yelling at us. he then jumps in, start the car and immediately drive at us.

all i remember of it happening is the car being like 5 feet in front of me, then im airborne and im looking through the door and seeing my buddy's girl looking at me horrified and im thinking "Hey, that's Kelly!". then i come to while lying on the ground with my buddy running up from the road screaming out the plate number and dragging his left leg. He was on the right side, so he dived out to the road and only gotten clipped at the knee. i took the force directly in my chest and broke 3 ribs and 2 fingers. to my right was my buddy, to the left was the store, i had nowhere to go but up and over.

i stumble back in and call 911. it's 11:50 pm and of course someone comes to get gas at that point. I'm on the phone calling my boss (who lived like an hour away) that someone tried to rob us and i was hit by a car. im on the phone with her as the gas pump terminal starting dinging, since they were waiting to be authorized. I told the lady over the intercom that we were closed, and my boss was pissed for whatever reason

cops finally come, take our statement and photos and poo poo. my boss finally arrived, and she starts looking at the security tape, and I got to see myself going over the hood. made me sick to my stomach.

they caught them a month later. she was a nurse at a local hospital and he stole cars for a living, and i got to do the police lineup. was pretty fun.

i left the job about 2 months later and started working at pratt and whitney then. wasn't a bad job, just paid poo poo and the robbery wasn't fun.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 08:56

Larry Parrish: Jul 9, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Wasn't a bad job, except for the part where there was an attempted robbery and I got severely injured.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 09:40

Whip Slagcheek: Sep 21, 2008; Finally
The Gasoline And Dynamite
Will Light The Sky
For The Night

Sounds like your buddy hosed u imo

# ? Jul 29, 2015 09:48

ded: Oct 27, 2005; Kooler than Jesus

you went to basic, then ait... then went on leave and took a job at a gas station???

or did you do some reserves poo poo

# ? Jul 29, 2015 10:38

beanieson: Sep 25, 2008; I had the opportunity to change literally anything about the world and I used it to get a new av

Nostalgia4Butts posted:

yeah, there is

im high af right now but i will try to tell it

right after basic and ait i came home and started up school again (because i was a nasty girl). i needed work, and a girl i worked with at an old job got me a shift at a cumberland farms, which is like a lovely wawa/loaf and jug/711/ whatever place that there's a million of in CT and MA.

i worked 3pm-12am at the only gas station in my lil town of 8000 that was open after 10pm. after 9pm it was dead so i would bring in a tv and my playstation and play tony hawk 2 for the rest of the night, selling cigarettes to the people leaving the bar and going to class during the day

since there was nothing much else to do around town my friends used to come down and hang out while i was working which was p. chill

one night my buddy and his gf were hanging out, smoking a cig in front of the store when a car pulls up, parks in the handicap spot, and the dude and girl are arguing while pointing at the store. they drive off after a minute, while we chuckle at their yelling

we go back in and drink slurpees or whatever cumberland farms had, and i grab the trash bags to toss them in the dumpster in the back since there was like a half hour left of the shift. when i walk out, i see the same pontiac sunfire and the dude and lady being all mad at each other. when they see me, they drive off again. i throw the bags in the dumpster, and walk back in to the store. i call the cops, just askin them to drive by and see if they see a sunfire. Dispatcher said they'd be there in like 10 minutes.

10 min later the three of us walk out front to have another cig and see if they're out there again or if the cops were chilling in the lot- nope. We smoke and head back in the store.

about 30 seconds after we walked in the dude and lady storm in the store. the girl starts screaming at my buddy's girlfriend like she was banging her boyfriend. "ARE YOU loving MY BOYFRIEND?!? ARE YOU loving MY BOYFRIEND?!?" while swinging a tire iron like she was donatello on quaaludes. the dude starts screaming that she's crazy, and that she has a tire iron.

She then starts smashing up the candyracks with the iron while screaming she wanted all the money. We had a louisville slugger leaned behind the counter, which was never used because this town was so drat small. I grabbed that poo poo and smashed it against the counter and just yelled at them to get the gently caress out. this seemed to shock everyone since im 6'5" these people were like 5'8 tops (aka the ol' Vasudeus height). I had also wore an Army PT shirt and my dogtags were hanging out because i was a tremendous human being who had left basic like 2 months beforehand and was craving the green cock bad.

So anyways, I smash the counter with the louisville and scream at them to get the gently caress out. everyone jumps, and the girl gets loving PISSED. She starts saying some stupid poo poo while her and the dude start backing out. She throws the sunglasses spinner on the way. I look at my friend and his girl, they're ok.

here's the dumb loving part of the story. My buddy starts running out to see the license plate. I should've stopped him and just waited for them to drive. nope, i was just like "YEAH LETS GET THEIR PLATE NUMBER" and ran out the door behind them

so we stand outside the front door. when you walk out the door there's a sidewalk, and directly to the left is the handicapped spot. the lady's in the car, and the dude sees us as he's going in his car and he starts yelling at us. he then jumps in, start the car and immediately drive at us.

all i remember of it happening is the car being like 5 feet in front of me, then im airborne and im looking through the door and seeing my buddy's girl looking at me horrified and im thinking "Hey, that's Kelly!". then i come to while lying on the ground with my buddy running up from the road screaming out the plate number and dragging his left leg. He was on the right side, so he dived out to the road and only gotten clipped at the knee. i took the force directly in my chest and broke 3 ribs and 2 fingers. to my right was my buddy, to the left was the store, i had nowhere to go but up and over.

i stumble back in and call 911. it's 11:50 pm and of course someone comes to get gas at that point. I'm on the phone calling my boss (who lived like an hour away) that someone tried to rob us and i was hit by a car. im on the phone with her as the gas pump terminal starting dinging, since they were waiting to be authorized. I told the lady over the intercom that we were closed, and my boss was pissed for whatever reason

cops finally come, take our statement and photos and poo poo. my boss finally arrived, and she starts looking at the security tape, and I got to see myself going over the hood. made me sick to my stomach.

they caught them a month later. she was a nurse at a local hospital and he stole cars for a living, and i got to do the police lineup. was pretty fun.

i left the job about 2 months later and started working at pratt and whitney then. wasn't a bad job, just paid poo poo and the robbery wasn't fun.

This is the best r/legaladvise yet imho

# ? Jul 29, 2015 12:30

Nostalgia4Butts: Jun 1, 2006; WHERE MY HOSE DRINKERS AT

ded posted:

you went to basic, then ait... then went on leave and took a job at a gas station???

or did you do some reserves poo poo

i was national guard so yeah

# ? Jul 29, 2015 18:53

Zeris: Apr 15, 2003; Quality posting direct from my brain to your face holes.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 18:59

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

There was a lot more to that story than I anticipated. :stare:

# ? Jul 29, 2015 18:59

Nostalgia4Dogges: Jun 18, 2004; Only emojis can express my pure, simple stupidity.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 19:24

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Nostalgia4Dicks posted:

Honest to God that looks fun as gently caress

# ? Jul 29, 2015 19:28

Nostalgia4Dogges: Jun 18, 2004; Only emojis can express my pure, simple stupidity.

I had to watch it a couple times because I didn't believe it was real. At least the first guys that go flying holy poo poo

Not sure what would be harder. Driving and throttling the bitch or controlling the weight balance by jumping and leaning back and forth on the bike

One day I'm going to rent a track/bikes and have a drunk race day with friends and family doing this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OCNx8iuMrY

Nostalgia4Dogges fucked around with this message at 19:33 on Jul 29, 2015

# ? Jul 29, 2015 19:30

Mad Dragon: Feb 29, 2004

PINING 4 PORKINS posted:

I'm not entirely sure if it was nerves or maybe a bad breakfast or a virus or what but after waiting about hours for my time in court for a civil case, I vomited on the floor of the court room. It all happened so fast that I didn't have time to ask to be excused or anything.
They gave me a few minutes to get myself together while someone was called to clean up. I was asked if I could continue but I couldn't stop gagging. I also wet myself a little (which I am not sure they could tell or not).
I told them I wasn't feeling great and played it off as if I might have had a virus or something. It might have been nerves but I am not going to tell them I was so nervous that I vomited and then wet myself.
The case was rescheduled for a few weeks from now.
I am just worried that I am going to be taken less seriously now. I've a good case for why I don't owe that debt (they didn't even attempt to charge my insurance).
This is my first time in a court setting ever and I dressed nicely and had my case all planned out.
I am assuming judgement isn't really effected by this sort of thing but is this judge going to take anything I say seriously at all now?
Has this ever happened to anyone before? I'm even more nervous about appearing in front of everyone again.

check out r/legaladvice and r/personalfinance on reddit, they always keep me laughing at work

Traffic court is a bitch.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 19:58

Nostalgia4Dogges: Jun 18, 2004; Only emojis can express my pure, simple stupidity.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 22:11

ded: Oct 27, 2005; Kooler than Jesus

Nostalgia4Dicks posted:

ghetto.gif

# ? Jul 29, 2015 22:13

Nostalgia4Dogges: Jun 18, 2004; Only emojis can express my pure, simple stupidity.

always worth a repost

# ? Jul 29, 2015 22:18

Untagged: Mar 29, 2004; Hey, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshiping us?

Nostalgia4Dicks posted:

the best part is the last bit where that truck crashes down the street

# ? Jul 29, 2015 22:40

Kung Fu Fist Fuck: Aug 9, 2009

Nostalgia4Dicks posted:

#blecklifematters

# ? Jul 29, 2015 23:14

Nostalgia4Butts: Jun 1, 2006; WHERE MY HOSE DRINKERS AT

Larry Parrish posted:

Wasn't a bad job, except for the part where there was an attempted robbery and I got severely injured.

honestly it wasn't. my boss before the lady at cumberland farms was a gay dude from south carolina who would always wear those super detailed nature t-shirts like this

so im pretty sure he was a furry or something. he left to go to "camp" for a week once and we were convinced he was going to a furry gathering in the woods somewhere. he was probably the most passive-aggressive person i've ever met, since he would always be super cheerful to everyone face to face but would leave the angriest notes possible telling me to stop playing playstation at work with like 17 exclamation points (i never did stop). he was fine since i ignored all his notes.

the customers honestly werent bad either since they were all buzzed and usually just wanted smokes, and the place was like 2 minutes away from where i lived so i could be home by 12:05 each night if i timed it right. except for the whole robbery thing it was a p. decent job for being 19.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 23:39

bloops: Dec 31, 2010; Thanks Ape Pussy!

My only job before the military was working at a Blockbuster. They cut my hours to poo poo after I skipped work because I got skybox tickets to a Blackhawks game, so I quit shortly after. Worth it.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 23:48

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

holocaust bloopers posted:

My only job before the military was working at a Blockbuster. They cut my hours to poo poo after I skipped work because I got skybox tickets to a Blackhawks game, so I quit shortly after. Worth it.

It's Blockbuster, the ultimate joke is on them for not evolving to a non-failing business model.

# ? Jul 29, 2015 23:59

bloops: Dec 31, 2010; Thanks Ape Pussy!

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

It's Blockbuster, the ultimate joke is on them for not evolving to a non-failing business model.

This was 2001-2002. Netflix was barely a few years old.

# ? Jul 30, 2015 00:06

Nostalgia4Butts: Jun 1, 2006; WHERE MY HOSE DRINKERS AT

i worked at movie gallery the for about 9 months before i went off to basic. when i started it was all VHS with like 2 shelves of DVDs. When I left in January it was the opposite.

i was a shift leader and everyone liked working we me because i did everything i could for us to be locking up the store 5 minutes after we closed.

# ? Jul 30, 2015 00:13

beanieson: Sep 25, 2008; I had the opportunity to change literally anything about the world and I used it to get a new av

Managing blockbuster was the worst job I'd ever had. I was there during the whole "no more late fees" campaign and boy were people pissed to find out that yes, there isn't a late fee, but you now own the movie you never returned and are charged like $18 on your account. Returned it late? We'll credit it back minus a 2.50 ~~late~~ restocking fee lol.

I left there to work in a high security men's prison and I was much happier there than I was dealing with pissed off customers.

# ? Jul 30, 2015 01:24

Kung Fu Fist Fuck: Aug 9, 2009

i worked at a hollywood video as a punkass teen. i stole a shitload of movies and food from that dump

# ? Jul 30, 2015 01:29

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

The last blockbuster around here only closed about two years ago.

# ? Jul 30, 2015 01:36

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

I delivered pizza and fried chicken. The Pizza Hut was next to a KFC and both delivered, the owners of both just split delivery driver costs and had us delivering for either one. It was great because it was the only job at either place that never had to clean bathrooms, wash dishes or answer phones. We just drove lovely food to lovely drunk people and sometimes made good money in tips. After work we'd head over to the Sonic across town that was 80% cute girls and trade them pizza/chicken left over at the end of our shift for ice cream and chili cheese tots.

# ? Jul 30, 2015 01:38

Mike-o: Dec 25, 2004; Now I'm in your room
And I'm in your bed; Grimey Drawer

I worked at a restaurant which was one of the oldest non-Spanish buildings on the west coast. Washed dishes which I hated, but the waitresses were loving hot and would get drunk after closing and I'd peep some boobs and butts like the horny 15 year old I was.

# ? Jul 30, 2015 01:43