Post the very best in obsolete and failed technology

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Post the very best in obsolete and failed technology

«‹›914 »

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

Collateral Damage posted:

Wasn't Airwolf just a common civilian heli with some farkles glued on?

No! It was top-secret stealth helicopter that Hawke stole from a sadistic inventor and held as a high-tech hostage from the Firm to make them find his brother (who disappeared mysteriously)!

DON'T RUIN MY CHILDHOOD!

# ? Sep 18, 2015 15:32

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 27, 2024 21:18

AFewBricksShy: Jun 19, 2003; of a full load.

Collateral Damage posted:

Wasn't Airwolf just a common civilian heli with some farkles glued on?

Airwolf was a Bell 222.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell_222

C.M. Kruger posted:

Nah that was some kind of UH-60 stealth conversion.

Apparently a lot of the stealth technology from that helicopter came from the Comanche project.

AFewBricksShy has a new favorite as of 15:45 on Sep 18, 2015

# ? Sep 18, 2015 15:42

Collateral Damage: Jun 13, 2009

And now I made myself sad.

wikipedia posted:

The flying Airwolf was derived from a Bell 222, a twin-turboshaft helicopter produced for the civilian market and typically employed for corporate, emergency medical or utility transport missions, with seating for up to 10, including the pilot.
[...]
After the show was canceled the modifications were removed (now owned by a private collector) from the actual helicopter. It was repainted and eventually sold to the German helicopter charter company, Hubschrauber-Sonder-Dienst
[...]
While operating as an air ambulance the helicopter crashed in fog on June 6, 1992, killing all three of its occupants.

# ? Sep 18, 2015 15:45

Coffee And Pie: Nov 4, 2010; "Blah-sum"?
More like "Blawesome"

Collateral Damage posted:

And now I made myself sad.

My new favorite fun fact.

# ? Sep 18, 2015 15:57

Wasabi the J: Jan 23, 2008; MOM WAS RIGHT

Collateral Damage posted:

Wasn't Airwolf just a common civilian heli with some farkles glued on?

http://www.ernestcline.com/spokenword/airwolf.htm

# ? Sep 18, 2015 15:57

joedevola: Sep 11, 2004; worst song, played on ugliest guitar

Don't act like you don't know that Airwolf is faster than any jet.

# ? Sep 18, 2015 16:08

Dick Trauma: Nov 30, 2007; God damn it, you've got to be kind.

Airwolf can ssssssuck it...

# ? Sep 18, 2015 16:48

JediTalentAgent: Jun 5, 2005; Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: There was an era when action TV/movies from the late 70s/late 80s sort of had these iconic and and cool vehicles featured heavily in them like they were almost supporting characters (in Knight Rider's case, literal co-starring character) and that era has sort of vanished. It's maybe sort of come back a bit with the Fast/Furious films, but even there I don't really get the feeling that anything they're driving is instantly invoking that same custom, unique feel.

# ? Sep 18, 2015 17:24

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Nap Ghost

I always felt that the one thing the TV of my childhood was missing was a show about a crimefighting hovercraft.

# ? Sep 18, 2015 17:47

Binary Badger: Oct 11, 2005; Trolling Link for a decade

spookygonk posted:

Now I have this in my tune head:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDsv-sZbulw

Aw, no, the audio on that is horrible.

Instead, watch this Airwolf fan movie with a modern remix dubbed in:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yr4Xag9-wJE

The theme is a bitching remix, in the video Airwolf cleans the clock of the following (not in order:)

- a fleet of five other helicopters

- jeeps with mounted 50 cal guns and a lightning gun in one case

- a nuclear submarine (!) LOL

- a MiG jet fighter

- a Phantom F4

- Commodore Decker (William Windom)

- various ack ack guns

- a single guy in an overcoat with a machine gun

# ? Sep 18, 2015 18:02

GWBBQ: Jan 2, 2005

Krispy Kareem posted:

I think the U.S. moved to digital transmission as quickly as possible, but Russia was still using the old film canisters for a lot longer than most people would expect. And of course the U.S. had U-2 planes and the SR-71 for quick spy runs.

The US and a handful of other countries still fly the U-2 and from the little bit of unclassified info I've gotten out of friends who served in Afghanistan I can safely say they get much better pictures than spy satellites (not a surprise, so far there's no way around the diffraction limit on resolution) and get them to forces on the ground much faster.

I made a short post on early spy satellites a while back in this thread, I'll quote it since it came up again

GWBBQ posted:

While we're on the subject of the Cold War, let's talk first-generation spy satellites. The Corona Program ran from June 1959 to May 1972, with a rapid increase in pace after Francis Gary Powers' U2 spyplane was shot down over the Soviet Union in 1960. The program was hugely successful in reducing the need to violate our adversaries' airspace with manned flights, and even more so in disproving the existence of the "bomber gap," slowing the arms race, and calming public fears surrounding Soviet first strike capability.

The program launched 39 satellites, 35 of which carried a total of 148 camera systems, which returned images 161 times. The project achieved several milestones in human spaceflight, including

Discoverer 1, the first man-made object placed in a polar orbit
Discoverer 2, the first three-axis-stabilized satellite
Discoverer 3, the test capsule from which was the first
Discoverer 13, the first successful aerial capture of an object returned from orbit
Discoverer 14 was launched on August 18, 1960, and returned the first usable images taken from a reconnaissance satellite.
And A whole lot of mission failures

The Corona Program included 8 generations of satellites designated Key Hole 1 - 4, 4A, 4B, 5, and 6. The 4B looked like this.

Part of the reason it took so long to return a usable image was that this was the era of film, and it came back in a container that looked like this ...

... and was recovered like this. This is a photo of the recovery of Discoverer 14's film capsule, which contained the first film recovered from space

Simply put, the Corona Program spent 13 years and almost $800,000,000 (adjusted for inflation to 2013) to develop, build, and launch really big disposable cameras into space.

# ? Sep 19, 2015 01:39

moller: Jan 10, 2007; Swan stole my music and framed me!

Binary Badger posted:

Aw, no, the audio on that is horrible.

Instead, watch this Airwolf fan movie with a modern remix dubbed in:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yr4Xag9-wJE

The theme is a bitching remix, in the video Airwolf cleans the clock of the following (not in order:)

- a fleet of five other helicopters

- jeeps with mounted 50 cal guns and a lightning gun in one case

- a nuclear submarine (!) LOL

- a MiG jet fighter

- a Phantom F4

- Commodore Decker (William Windom)

- various ack ack guns

- a single guy in an overcoat with a machine gun

How do you know he's single?

# ? Sep 19, 2015 07:01

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Nap Ghost

Collateral Damage posted:

While operating as an air ambulance the helicopter crashed in fog on June 6, 1992, killing all three of its occupants.

It's also great how the wording of this makes it sound like Airwolf took three people with it while committing suicide.

Apart from how three people died and stuff

# ? Sep 19, 2015 07:19

Humboldt Squid: Jan 21, 2006

davidspackage posted:

I always felt that the one thing the TV of my childhood was missing was a show about a crimefighting hovercraft.

Hulk hogan had a crimefighting speedboat for one season in 1993 if it helps.

# ? Sep 19, 2015 08:47

C.M. Kruger: Oct 28, 2013

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-8ebBdPBhA

# ? Sep 19, 2015 08:50

JediTalentAgent: Jun 5, 2005; Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!

I'm surprised a TV series based on the Dodge Viper ran 4 seasons in the mid/late-90s while Team Knight Rider only got a single season around the same time.

# ? Sep 19, 2015 09:05

Humphreys: Jan 26, 2013; We conceived a way to use my mother as a porn mule

And to round it off motorbikes with guns too!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1NpZxn860M

# ? Sep 19, 2015 10:10

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

JediTalentAgent posted:

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: There was an era when action TV/movies from the late 70s/late 80s sort of had these iconic and and cool vehicles featured heavily in them like they were almost supporting characters (in Knight Rider's case, literal co-starring character) and that era has sort of vanished. It's maybe sort of come back a bit with the Fast/Furious films, but even there I don't really get the feeling that anything they're driving is instantly invoking that same custom, unique feel.

Not only did the "Super-vehicles" era vanish, every single attempt to do it since has failed. Perhaps it's the increasing computerisation of vehicles to blame - now that self-driving vehicles with GPS that talks to you are real, KITT seems a lot less amazing. I suppose you could say that futuristic technology has been obsoleted by being developed.

# ? Sep 19, 2015 11:29

Double Punctuation: Dec 30, 2009; Ships were made for sinking;
Whiskey made for drinking;
If we were made of cellophane
We'd all get stinking drunk much faster!

I'd say that the instant you try that, car companies will start throwing money at you to advertise their vehicles in the show. But you'd have to make them realistic enough that people might actually think the cars have those capabilities in real life, or else you wouldn't get sales. You'd need a sponsor to raise enough money to make that kind of show in the modern era; otherwise, it's straight to a niche audience on Netflix for you.

# ? Sep 19, 2015 11:42

Manky: Mar 20, 2007; Fun Shoe

Not TV, but I think Batman and Bond have somewhat kept that alive in the movies. Ok, not so much the recent Craig ones. But I still want this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meY1R43fJIQ

# ? Sep 19, 2015 11:59

Humphreys: Jan 26, 2013; We conceived a way to use my mother as a porn mule

Jedit posted:

Not only did the "Super-vehicles" era vanish, every single attempt to do it since has failed. Perhaps it's the increasing computerisation of vehicles to blame - now that self-driving vehicles with GPS that talks to you are real, KITT seems a lot less amazing. I suppose you could say that futuristic technology has been obsoleted by being developed.

As always, Science Fiction inspires Science Fact.

# ? Sep 19, 2015 12:08

JediTalentAgent: Jun 5, 2005; Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!

It's sort of interesting to see really neat sort of one-off version of vehicles that were sort of too strange or niche to make it into any sort of mass production, but could get some movie screentime. Stuff like the ghost car from the Wraith being based around a Dodge (I think) concept car, the Landmaster from Damnation Alley.

I don't know if anyone is trying to perfect the rotating 3-tire wheel, or if is a good or effective design.

# ? Sep 19, 2015 17:05

Wasabi the J: Jan 23, 2008; MOM WAS RIGHT

dpbjinc posted:

I'd say that the instant you try that, car companies will start throwing money at you to advertise their vehicles in the show. But you'd have to make them realistic enough that people might actually think the cars have those capabilities in real life, or else you wouldn't get sales. You'd need a sponsor to raise enough money to make that kind of show in the modern era; otherwise, it's straight to a niche audience on Netflix for you.

https://vimeo.com/48102506

# ? Sep 19, 2015 17:08

Light Gun Man: Oct 17, 2009; toEjaM iS oN
vaCatioN; Lipstick Apathy

Landmaster is so fuckin cool. There really should be a TV series of Damnation Alley....or SMT: Strange Journey.

# ? Sep 19, 2015 17:10

Lazlo Nibble: Jan 9, 2004; It was Weasleby, by God! At last I had the miserable blighter precisely where I wanted him!

Humphreys posted:

As always, Science Fiction inspires Science Fact.

Hurry up, science, I want my nuclear-powered superbus.

# ? Sep 20, 2015 07:11

Humbug Scoolbus: Apr 25, 2008; The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers, stern and wild ones, and they had made her strong, but taught her much amiss.; Clapping Larry

Cyclops!

# ? Sep 20, 2015 08:00

Tricky Ed: Aug 18, 2010; It is important to avoid confusion. This is the one that's okay to lick.

Why real products aren't featured in TV shows any more: A play in 1 act:

"Hey, you want to use our new sports car in your show? Perfect! We'll gladly provide you with samples and all the expertise you need. We'll even help you build versions with camera rigs and everything. Just... our lawyers want to make sure our car is shown in the best light possible, you understand, so could you make sure all the following is true? The car will not be shown being used to break laws, including traffic laws. If the car gets damaged it needs to be shown getting repaired by the end of the episode. You need to show at least one feature of the car in every episode: Navigation, infotainment, optional floormats -- you pick! The car can not be shown to break down or otherwise be mechanically at fault under normal circumstances. The car can not be shown to be safe performing dangerous acts such as jumps or flips (we don't want copycat cases). Any other cars in your show should also be our cars, unless they are driven by villains, in which case they need to be modified to be unrecognizable as any particular brand. The same restriction extends to our stereo and electronics partner, so please make sure you consult with them on whatever other electronics you want to feature in the show. We think the car looks best in full sun, so please try to keep night shots to a minimum. Could you try to feature our best angle on the vehicle and minimize shots that show the rear quarter-panels from the back? Oh, and finally, when we do our mid-cycle refresh in a few years we're going to need you to feature that as a benefit and then stop showing episodes that show the current version of the car so we don't confuse anyone. So just sign here, and... where are you going?"

fin.

So I guess the unholy union of marketing and contract law has made cool shows about cool cars obsolete.

# ? Sep 20, 2015 10:45

Humphreys: Jan 26, 2013; We conceived a way to use my mother as a porn mule

It's finally happened, I didn't believe it would happen for at least another 20 years or so....

I asked the teenage work experience kid if he could grab me the Yellow Pages and look up a contractors number for me.

The reply was "The what?"

# ? Sep 20, 2015 11:51

BogDew: Jun 14, 2006; E:\FILES>quickfli clown.fli

That film does get somewhat amusing to watch as the years go on and the 80's become just as antiquated to us as it does the characters.

# ? Sep 20, 2015 13:39

Croccers: Jun 15, 2012

Tricky Ed posted:

Why real products aren't featured in TV shows any more: A play in 1 act:

"Hey, you want to use our new sports car in your show? Perfect! We'll gladly provide you with samples and all the expertise you need. We'll even help you build versions with camera rigs and everything. Just... our lawyers want to make sure our car is shown in the best light possible, you understand, so could you make sure all the following is true? The car will not be shown being used to break laws, including traffic laws. If the car gets damaged it needs to be shown getting repaired by the end of the episode. You need to show at least one feature of the car in every episode: Navigation, infotainment, optional floormats -- you pick! The car can not be shown to break down or otherwise be mechanically at fault under normal circumstances. The car can not be shown to be safe performing dangerous acts such as jumps or flips (we don't want copycat cases). Any other cars in your show should also be our cars, unless they are driven by villains, in which case they need to be modified to be unrecognizable as any particular brand. The same restriction extends to our stereo and electronics partner, so please make sure you consult with them on whatever other electronics you want to feature in the show. We think the car looks best in full sun, so please try to keep night shots to a minimum. Could you try to feature our best angle on the vehicle and minimize shots that show the rear quarter-panels from the back? Oh, and finally, when we do our mid-cycle refresh in a few years we're going to need you to feature that as a benefit and then stop showing episodes that show the current version of the car so we don't confuse anyone. So just sign here, and... where are you going?"

fin.

So I guess the unholy union of marketing and contract law has made cool shows about cool cars obsolete.

This is just car manufacturers in general. The director of the Forza games had this to say:

quote:

Some clarification points:

� There is a myth in the gaming press that a licensed *production car* game cannot do damage. The Midtown Madness, Project Gotham Racing and Forza Motorsport franchises have all featured damage and licensed production cars. RalliSport Challenge also featured damage, but it would be considered a licensed race car game. There is a big difference between race cars and production cars from a licensing perspective. It is much easier to do extensive damage on race cars - including roll-overs.

� There are limitations that different car manufacturers place on the extent of damage that can be inflicted on their production cars. The restrictions usually involve the appearance of driver safety and car quality. It�s not in the best interest of their brands to appear unsafe or poorly made.

� Getting the manufacturers to accept damage isn�t about money; it�s about respecting the brand and forming a strong partnership. The car manufacturers have too much to lose if a game hurts their brand image. Cash advances and royalty checks from a video game can�t even come close the loss of revenue caused by a tarnished brand image. We have worked very hard over the years to develop strong partnerships with our manufactures.

� Different manufacturers hold the bar at different heights. For legal reasons we treat all of the manufacturers the same. This means we have to go with the lowest common denominator for all manufacturers. At the same time, we work with the outliers to raise their bar.

Unfortunately, different manufacturers have radically different hang-ups. Also, the hang-ups are not proportional to the real-world prestige of the brand or its importance to the Forza franchise. I'm not going to name names, but I will rant a little bit.

One American manufacturer will allow damage all day, but is adamant about cars not rolling over. We have several other manufacturers that will only allow roll-overs if all of the others agree first � hellofa Catch 22. One of our European marks can't be used in PR materials as solo, winning or losing. It must always be pictured with other cars and dead even with them. Another European brand will allow painting and decals, but we can�t allow players to put "thunder" on the side of the car. I�m not even sure what that means. I assumed it meant lightning, but when I asked that specific question, the representative was very insistent: "no thunder".

We have brands that charge ridiculous fees and make pretty "meh" cars. We got very popular brands that make awesome cars and charge next to nothing. Some brands are dead set against DLC. Other brands are willing to sponsor DLC.

There is a huge difference in how thorough each brand is when approving the car renders. On version 1, we accidentally submitted a car render from one Japanese manufacturer to its rival as one of their own cars� and they actually approved it as their car.

As you�d expect, these licenses are usually a lawyer to lawyer affair, but sometimes I get involved so we can escalate the matter higher up in the company. Some brands control other brands. Some brands hire outside licensing companies. Other brands have a licensing division within their legal or marketing departments. Sometimes different regions of a brand control the licensing, but usually it�s at a corporate level.

We have one European manufacturer that allows damage and rolling over, but is fairly unreasonable about upgrades and painting - core features to Forza. Truth is, I've spent 80% of my licensing time with just this brand. All that, and we still only got the licenses signed for half of the cars that we built from that brand. And yes, that means we spent months building cars that will never make see the light of day. I had to do back flips just to keep the small group of their cars that I felt were critical � we even got Peter Moore involved with this brand to help us pitch a higher level of partnership.

In the end, it�s all about building a partnership � which takes time. The key is to show them that we have passion for their brand and will defend it. It helps that we make a simulator � they know our goal is to achieve reality and celebrate their brand in a franchise, not use their brand to sell a quick product.

Dan Greenawalt
Game Director
Turn 10

No thunder :colbert:

This post was back during the Forza 1 and 2 days.

# ? Sep 20, 2015 15:03

Dick Trauma: Nov 30, 2007; God damn it, you've got to be kind.

Lazlo Nibble posted:

Hurry up, science, I want my nuclear-powered superbus.

Damnation Alley and Big Bus posts... makes me so proud of you all... :911:

I saw Damnation Alley at the theater when it came out and although in retrospect most of the effects were really bad that cockroach scene scared the crap out of me. In the 1980s you could see the Landmaster parked in a little lot along Cahuenga, next to the 101.

EDIT:

Wow! I have no memory of that TV show. Sounds like William Conrad doing the voiceover on that intro, and poor Jimmy Smits trapped in that piece of poo poo.

Dick Trauma has a new favorite as of 17:22 on Sep 20, 2015

# ? Sep 20, 2015 16:58

CroatianAlzheimers: Jun 15, 2009; I can't remember why I'm mad at you...

All this talk of (super loving rad) super vehicle shows and no mention of The Highwayman? For Shame.

Show Intro
S01E0
Ladies and gentlemen, the 80s

# ? Sep 20, 2015 17:15

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_87i7FhkIs

# ? Sep 20, 2015 17:36

Wasabi the J: Jan 23, 2008; MOM WAS RIGHT

Croccers posted:

This is just car manufacturers in general. The director of the Forza games had this to say:

No thunder
This post was back during the Forza 1 and 2 days.

Dude that explains why all the cars in FM2 wouldn't roll or flip even if it was a head on collision at 230 mph.

# ? Sep 20, 2015 18:25

CroatianAlzheimers: Jun 15, 2009; I can't remember why I'm mad at you...

flosofl posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_87i7FhkIs

I take exception to the use of the word "tacky" in this video description.

# ? Sep 20, 2015 18:27

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

I miss the focus on mythology and clumsy science fiction those 80s shows had. All we'll have to look back on in 30 years is a bunch of almost identical police procedural intros. At least Lucifer might turn some heads then.

e: and aliens. Everyone's too cynical for aliens and inaccurate sci fi these days, unless it's ironic.

My Lovely Horse has a new favorite as of 20:09 on Sep 20, 2015

# ? Sep 20, 2015 20:07

JediTalentAgent: Jun 5, 2005; Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!

I sort of figured another big reason the shift from doing even custom vehicle stuff came as a cost issue, too. When you have a cool car or something in a show, you want to feature it doing some stuff. But that involves permits, insurance, sets, locations, stuntmen, spares, weather problems, damages, accidents, theft, etc.

Wasn't the rights to some of the elements in the Adam West Batman series sort of in a strange limbo for a while because the design of the Batmobile in that show actually belonged to the designer of the car and not DC/WB/ABC/whoever?

I don't know how accurate the current status of this is, but the Ecto-1A from Ghostbusters 2 was apparently just left to rot by Sony for the last 20 some years.
http://news.moviefone.com/2013/10/15/ghostbusters-car-photo/

JediTalentAgent has a new favorite as of 20:27 on Sep 20, 2015

# ? Sep 20, 2015 20:24

George RR Fartin: Apr 16, 2003

Croccers posted:

This is just car manufacturers in general. The director of the Forza games had this to say:

No thunder
This post was back during the Forza 1 and 2 days.

I have to assume it's a German manufacturer trying to avoid blitzkrieg connotations. It's the only thing my brain will let me believe.

I also assume Ford didn't want the rollovers, what with the old Explorer issues they had back in the day.

# ? Sep 20, 2015 20:30

Just Winging It: Jan 19, 2012; The buck stops at my ass

Put two lightning bolts right next to each other and you got yourself some lovely SS runes. Which is a bit of a no-no, so maybe it's just that.

# ? Sep 20, 2015 22:46

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 27, 2024 21:18

KozmoNaut: Apr 23, 2008; Happiness is a warm
Turbo Plasma Rifle

But then it wouldn't be specifically "no thunder". What about lightning? Blitz? Donner?

# ? Sep 20, 2015 23:22

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Post the very best in obsolete and failed technology

«‹›914 »