PYF The Onion story

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Krinkle: Feb 9, 2003; Ah do believe Ah've got the vapors...
Ah mean the farts

I just cannot survive this zombie apocalypse the best way. Where do you learn why the sun is mad at us? The church said it was because of solar power but the daughter of war didn't like that answer.

I mean I tried that answer, and then went and learned it later, and i'm too lazy to go see if they really tracked whether I knew that I knew it when I said it.

# ? Dec 11, 2015 19:12

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 15:22

Golden Bee: Dec 24, 2009; I came here to chew bubblegum and quote 'They Live', and I'm... at an impasse.

The Koch jokes seem dated with the field superdominated by a non-Koch guy.

# ? Dec 11, 2015 19:18

Robert Denby: Sep 9, 2007; Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, huh? Nah, get fucked mate.

They've been able to do so much damage to states like North Carolina and Wisconsin that I think they'll continue to be relevant for the decades it takes to undo what they've done.

# ? Dec 11, 2015 19:31

SpiderHyphenMan: Apr 1, 2010; by Fluffdaddy

Overworked Prosecutor Thinking Of Taking Police Brutality Case As A Little Vacation

gently caress me that's some good poo poo.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 04:20

Olanphonia: Jul 27, 2006; I'm open to suggestions~

Krinkle posted:

I just cannot survive this zombie apocalypse the best way. Where do you learn why the sun is mad at us? The church said it was because of solar power but the daughter of war didn't like that answer.

I mean I tried that answer, and then went and learned it later, and i'm too lazy to go see if they really tracked whether I knew that I knew it when I said it.

The sun is mad because of solar power.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 04:48

Krinkle: Feb 9, 2003; Ah do believe Ah've got the vapors...
Ah mean the farts

I said that but she said that wasn't the right answer, because I was just guessing and didn't "know"?

# ? Dec 12, 2015 04:49

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

You must've told her that the sun is mad for no reason.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 05:07

Krinkle: Feb 9, 2003; Ah do believe Ah've got the vapors...
Ah mean the farts

I duplicated the tab and told her both and got the same answer twice.
Or I did that and misclicked.

Krinkle has a new favorite as of 05:37 on Dec 12, 2015

# ? Dec 12, 2015 05:32

Electric Phantasm: Apr 7, 2011; YOSPOS

John Roberts Delivers Finishing Blow To Stephen Breyer To Defend Title Of Chief Justice

The drawing included with the article is incredible:

# ? Dec 12, 2015 20:39

HackensackBackpack: Aug 20, 2007; Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that all you get for your money?

Evil Mastermind posted:

Nation�s Oppressed Christians Huddle Underground To Light Single Shriveled Christmas Shrub

I liked this one, but what would have really put it over the top is if they had made no mention of Jesus or God being celebrated whatsoever.

# ? Dec 13, 2015 18:04

Austrian mook: Feb 24, 2013; by Shine

Leofish posted:

I liked this one, but what would have really put it over the top is if they had made no mention of Jesus or God being celebrated whatsoever.

Why?

# ? Dec 14, 2015 05:21

clockworx: Oct 15, 2005; The Internet Whore made me buy this account

I will never tire of The Onion taking on the American workplace

HR Director Reminds Employees That Any Crying Done At Office Must Be Work-Related

HR Sends Out Reminder Email About Not Scrawling �Revenge� In Blood In Conference Room

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can�t Be Good

Fed-Up Employee Just About 14 Years Away From Walking Out Door

More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks

Majority Of Office�s Supplies Used To Apply For Different Job

# ? Dec 16, 2015 18:31

Robert Denby: Sep 9, 2007; Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, huh? Nah, get fucked mate.

Here's a classic workplace one from 1999. This one has one of the darkest bits of humor I've ever read.
U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day

The Onion posted:

Today is Wednesday," said Waltham, MA, resident Gregory Pafko, 50, an actuary for a screen-door manufacturing company in nearby Plovis. "Wednesday is 'Hump Day.' If I can get through Hump Day, I'll have made it halfway through the week."

"Then again," Pafko added, "every day is Hump Day, really." Later, as he does every day, Pafko headed to the company bathroom and sat for 20 minutes with a loaded gun in his mouth. Once the shakes subsided, he removed the bullets from the gun and returned to his desk.

# ? Dec 16, 2015 19:10

fits: Jan 1, 2008; Love Always,
The Captain

clockworx posted:

I will never tire of The Onion taking on the American workplace

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

# ? Dec 16, 2015 20:39

clockworx: Oct 15, 2005; The Internet Whore made me buy this account

How can I forget

Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back

# ? Dec 17, 2015 01:31

Zweihander01: May 4, 2009

Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance

# ? Dec 17, 2015 07:03

DaveWoo: Aug 14, 2004; Fun Shoe

This House�s Amazing Christmas Lights Display Is Set To The �Coffee Is For Closers� Speech from �Glengarry Glen Ross�

# ? Dec 17, 2015 17:46

MariusLecter: Sep 5, 2009; NI MUERTE NI MIEDO

Lawyer for Martin Shkreli Hikes Fees Five Thousand Per Cent

# ? Dec 17, 2015 18:31

67 and still making love: Oct 7, 2005; Peek
a
BLARGH

Scientists Hail Breakthrough With New Bulletproof Children

# ? Dec 18, 2015 01:45

Dr. Arbitrary: Mar 15, 2006; Bleak Gremlin

6 Celebrities Who Have Suffered Head Trauma That Support Donald Trump

Starwipe is starting to figure itself out.

# ? Dec 21, 2015 18:10

Whiz Palace: Dec 8, 2013

I thought the first result for this search was the first result for every search, but it was sadly just a coincidence.

# ? Dec 22, 2015 00:29

Talorat: Sep 18, 2007; Hahaha! Aw come on, I can't tell you everything right away! That would make for a boring story, don't you think?

I think it actually was for awhile. Not sure why it isn't anymore.

# ? Dec 24, 2015 21:53

AKA Pseudonym: May 16, 2004; A dashing and sophisticated young man; Doctor Rope

Heartwarming: American And ISIS Forces Came Together To Celebrate Christmas

# ? Dec 25, 2015 19:04

Dr. Arbitrary: Mar 15, 2006; Bleak Gremlin

Dr. Arbitrary has a new favorite as of 19:50 on Dec 25, 2015

# ? Dec 25, 2015 19:47

Golden Bee: Dec 24, 2009; I came here to chew bubblegum and quote 'They Live', and I'm... at an impasse.

AKA Pseudonym posted:

Heartwarming: American And ISIS Forces Came Together To Celebrate Christmas

Love all the fb comments that are like "Yeah, they're both funded by the same place!!"

# ? Dec 26, 2015 05:24

HackensackBackpack: Aug 20, 2007; Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that all you get for your money?

Austrian mook posted:

Why?

Sorry for not replying to this earlier.

In my opinion, the fact that so much of the religious significance of Christmas has been overshadowed by the ever-increasing commercialism of the season would have been put into focus in the article if the underground celebrants were celebrating only the commercial Santa Christmas and not the religious Jesus Christmas.

Christmas gets bigger every year, commercially, because so many retailers practically rely on it to balance their books for the year. People in the U.S. have to work on Thanksgiving, a different holiday, because the pre-Christmas sales start that day, and not the day after like they used to. Radio stations sometimes flip to 100% Christmas music in mid-November. People are having discussions about whether it's right for anyone to decorate or mention or sell anything related to Christmas before Veteran's Day (or Remembrance Day in Canada).

Christmas is huge. It's not just a single holiday, it's a season.

So having a piece about this so-called "War on Christmas" taking the war to its logical conclusion in the fevered minds of the people who actually believe in it would have been funnier, to me, if the thing they were so desperate to protect was an empty, commercialized shell of religious observance.

# ? Dec 27, 2015 10:27

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

How Do We Get Young Women Interested In Computer Scientists?

# ? Jan 5, 2016 14:22

Evil Mastermind: Apr 28, 2008

He came back just in time...

# ? Jan 11, 2016 20:40

Hyrax Attack!: Jan 13, 2009; We demand to be taken seriously

Did anyone else notice over the last year or so, the final sentence of every other Onion article begins with "At press time..."? It's bugging me, like they can't think of another way to write an ending. Still loving Kelly's cartoons and Clickhole.

# ? Jan 12, 2016 03:36

Austrian mook: Feb 24, 2013; by Shine

Mojo Threepwood posted:

Did anyone else notice over the last year or so, the final sentence of every other Onion article begins with "At press time..."? It's bugging me, like they can't think of another way to write an ending. Still loving Kelly's cartoons and Clickhole.

I only read the headlines

# ? Jan 12, 2016 03:39