Gridlocked posted:

Engineers aren't bad people

Khazar-khum posted:

Karate Instructor

quote:

This troper's karate instructor had a crowning moment of awesome 34 years ago. When he was a senior in college someone broke into his apartment to get drug money. The guy had a 12 gauge shotgun and bottle with some liquid in it. To make a long story short my instructor disarmed the dude, the bottle broke during this in which contained acid as a result lost his left eye when the acid got on his face and still beat the living poo poo out of the dude. My instructor punched the dude so hard in the face that he busted the guys skull even after the acid got on his face, but the dude had so many drugs and such in his system he didn't feel anything or very little. My instructor only regret in this deal is that he didn't kill the dude when it happened.

Christo posted:

I love that the robber just happened to be carrying a bottle of acid. What was he going to with it, melt into a safe? Where did he even get it in the first place?

Tunicate posted:

Throwing acid on people's faces is distressingly common.

Christo posted:

I'm aware of that, but those are cases where the assailant specifically wants to disfigure and torture someone. Why would you take it with you to robbery, especially when you're already armed with a shotgun? Even if you're worried about getting disarmed, I'd think pocket sand or something would make a better back up weapon.

Darth Windu posted:

Wrong

FuckenPunchOn posted:

Fuuuck I was wondering when one of these would drop in the thread. Talk to any teenage/early 20s martial arts person and they'll gleefully tell you five or six bullshit stories about the time their sensei won a 4 on 1 fight against armed Triad members in a video arcade.

Give them enough time and sooner or later you'll hear that "his reflexes are so highly tuned that he tells his girlfriend not to sneak up on him from behind or he'll snap and kill her with his bare hands before he knows what's going on" or that "he has to register himself with the local police station whenever he moves house because his body qualifies as a deadly weapon" stories.

Postal Parcel posted:

He was planning to dispose of the body but didn't know how much acid it takes to dissolve a human body.

Christo posted:

Christo posted:

hogmartin posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9XtK6R1QAk

hogmartin posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9XtK6R1QAk

quote:

Summary: Morbidly obese, 27-year-old virgin fucks 10 beautiful women and has a threesome.

To start, this post will be useless to most of you. If you are an attractive male, then this isn't for you. If, however, you are sexually marginalized for whatever reason (physical or mental), this story might shed some light on a possible strategy.

Let's get this out of the way- I weigh 300 lbs. I know how you guys feel about that, believe me. If you want to rake me over the coals for being such a fat rear end, I totally understand and I deserve it; I will not attempt to defend or excuse myself. However, the purpose of this place is to discuss "men's identity, sexual strategy, and options in the context of our current global culture for the benefit of men." For me, that meant exercising a sexual strategy that most would consider immoral and well outside the acceptable cultural norms.

I felt helpless and hopeless as a 27 year old virgin. That is a long time to go without female intimacy. I had a lot of self-loathing and disgust with myself, I constantly felt worthless and like a total failure. I tried (and failed) to lose weight many, many times. I always ended up fatter and lonelier than ever.

I'm not here to discuss why I failed to lose weight. You can chalk it up to a lack of discipline, a flaw in my character, binge eating disorder, my failure as a human, or whatever else you like. I won't argue against you- I accept total responsibility for my obesity and as I said I will not defend it. The point is, for whatever the reason, I found myself extremely fat and extremely frustrated.

I had always figured that eventually I would lose the weight, gain some confidence, and get a girlfriend. But as the years went by, and it started looking less and less likely, I became more and more frustrated. Should I expect to never experience sex, since I am obviously unable or unwilling to lose weight? Will I go my entire life without being physically intimate with a woman?

Eventually, about six months ago and at the age of 27, I decided that I wasn't going to "wait" any longer and I was going to do something about it.

I live in California, so I decided that my best bet would be to head down to Tijuana. Some research indicated that the Hong Kong strip club would be a good place to meet some lovely women and lose my virginity. I am pretty anxious by nature and averse to risk, so it sounded sketchy at first. My best friend of many years agreed to be my wingman. Eventually, we mustered the courage and drove down to the border, parked the car in a lot, and crossed by foot into Mexico. We got into a taxi and had the driver take us straight to Hong Kong.

Hong Kong stripclub: http://www.hktijuana.com/

We checked into our room, which was a penthouse suite in the hotel that sits on top of the stripclub.

Hotel Cascadas Penthouse Suite: http://hotelcascadas.com/rooms/penthouse-suite-room-2

When I had reserved the room, I had emailed them and negotiated a discount ($300/ night for Penthouse 1). Mind you this was for Friday and Saturday, which are a little more expensive. When we checked in, they gave us a free upgrade to the Penthouse Suite 2 since they had double booked the other Penthouse. So it cost us $150 each per night and we each got our own room.

The way this place normally works is, you don’t need to be staying at the hotel. You usually go down to the stripclub (which was amazing by the way) and if a girl catches your eye, you negotiate prices with her (standard rate is $80/ 30 min, and usually only includes one nut). Then you take her upstairs, and rent a small room for the 30 min. (not sure how much this costs, I think it’s pretty cheap).

However, I didn’t want to do it this way. First of all, I was very worried that I would come quickly (which I did) and I wanted a longer session where I would get to nut twice. Secondly, I wanted to have the comfort of being in my own room. I didn’t want some guy to come knocking on the door telling me time is up, and I was hoping to shower with her first.

Anyways, we get there and it is awesome. Awesome room, very clean and comfortable. Awesome club, TONS of women. Beautiful women, especially if you like latinas with a nice rear end. Right off the bat, there is a tall blonde, all natural, with big nipples dancing on the stage. My buddy and I walk around the club, and return to find that the girl is gone to some other corner. We get some drinks and start scoping out who looks hot. I want the blonde, but can’t see her. Several women approach us, and we turn them away. Eventually my buddy gets up to look for the one that had caught my eye, and he finds her and brings her over. Her English isn’t great, but I ask her for a lapdance. I think I paid $20 for two songs, and she had her top off and I was sucking on her big nipples. Song ends, but I am ready to go. I ask her for 1 hour, and she quotes me $140. I agree, and we go up to my room.

Now, I am a bit of a germ freak. I’m still worried about STD’s and I don’t want to risk anything. I am also completely inexperienced. I never kissed any of these women on the mouth. When we get to my room, she is impressed that I have my own room and I don’t think she’d ever seen the Penthouse Suite. I ask if she wants to shower with me, and she is happy to. We shower and then she gives me a blowjob with condom on. It was my first blowjob, and it was delightful. I looked down and couldn’t believe that such an attractive woman (extremely hot body) was sucking my dick. I came in about 40 seconds. Lucky for me, I had plenty of time on the clock and lots of condoms. So I put on a new one, still rock hard, and she blew me some more, and then we hosed. Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, missionary. I found it to be kind of difficult, actually, because of how fat I am. A lot of positions were awkward because of my fat, but she was great about positioning herself for the best possible result. I was too much in my head, but I would stop and just be amazed that this was actually happening. We hosed for about 40 minutes, and then she sucked me to completion. We showered and I gave her a big tip and walked her downstairs back to the club where my friend was waiting. First experience: 10/10

Over the course of the next two days, I hosed a total of 5 women. Some of them were unenthusiastic and just trying to get me to come as fast as possible so they could get on their way. Some were great, and I enjoyed loving one in the shower, the bed, and the bubble bath I prepared in the hot tub. I had put some beers in the mini fridge, so we drank beers in the hot tub while I recovered my strength, and then started all over again. Sunday morning we packed our poo poo, took a taxi to the border, and returned to our car. I was in a twilight zone. Three days ago, I had never been naked with a woman. Now I had hosed five women, each one hotter than I ever imagined I would be with. By some miracle of life, I had been able to watch a beautiful young woman twerking on my dick. A woman who I would have been scared to even talk to, let alone hook up with. I felt like I had discovered cheat codes for life!

After losing my virginity, I was pretty happy. I went about six months before the desire to go back down there became too strong to ignore. However, my friend had a girlfriend and would not be joining me. That means that I would need the courage to make the trip solo. Last week, that is exactly what I did. This time, I reserved a Master Suite for two nights.

Right off the bat, I found a gorgeous young woman who agreed to 1 hour for $110 (it was Monday, so prices were lower). She blew me and we went to the hot tub. After a while, we went to the bed for sex. This time around, I was MUCH more relaxed. I also lasted alot longer, and I was able to get out of my head and really enjoy the experience. She had started licking my shaft without a condom and I stopped her to put one on (I probably shouldn’t have, but I’m still scared of STD’s and I don’t want to become accustomed to no-condom blowjobs, since I already enjoy covered blowjobs just fine and most of them won’t do it without a condom). Anyways, after loving her she invited me to take off the condom and come all over her tits, which I happily did.

So, things had gotten off to a great start. I didn’t think things could get any better, but they did. Later that night, I took a gorgeous blonde with an amazing body (named Barbie) up to my room for an hour ($140). She took her time and gave me great head, and we sat in the hot tub drinking beers. She starts talking to me about how important it is to be positive and encouraging me not to let my weight hold me back. What is this Dr. Phil? We are so relaxed, almost the whole hour has passed. When we get to the bed, she starts massaging me. And this is a legit massage- she does my arms and legs and feet and hands. It was such a surreal experience, having this gorgeous woman naked in my bed, massaging me. We have sex, and it is the best sex I’ve ever had. I prefer just laying back and having the woman ride me, and that’s exactly what she did, in several different positions. I just propped up my head with some pillows and let her go at it. She definitely knew what she was doing, and it was a beautiful experience. By the time we shower, it has been well over two hours. And she never once mentioned the time or money. That is exactly the type of relaxed session I enjoy, so I gave her a very big tip.

The next day, I had sex with two more women. Then, late that night, I hit the club for the last time. I run into Barbie, and sit with her and a beer. She starts massaging my scalp while I rub her rear end and breasts. A lot of beautiful women all around. One in particular stands out- a tall, beautiful brunette with an rear end that is literally as nice as any other I’ve seen. I wave her over and get her a drink. She only slightly knows Barbie, but they get along fine, and she is very sweet. I invite her up for an hour and she agrees. I walk out of the club with my arms each wrapped around a beautiful babe, as I’m leaving a nearby table of guys give me a cheer and applause haha.

I take the girls up and have the greatest experience of my life. I cannot describe the feeling of fulfilling a fantasy with such attractive women. I am the biggest loser that I know, and yet I would not trade positions with ANY of my friends who have girlfriends. There is something about having two bombshells taking turns riding me that has permanently altered my mindset. And the ladies were super cool and friendly, just dedicated to making it a great memory for me. First threesome: 10/10
The next day I returned to the border, balls and wallet both utterly drained. That was a week ago, but I cannot for the life of me stop smiling. I have this stupid silly grin on my face. I can’t get over how blessed I am, and how happy I am to be a man alive today. It is a beautiful life.
Lessons Learned:

You do not have to be attractive to have sex with beautiful women. If you are very fat or disfigured, there is still hope for you!
Yes, I know 100% that I need to keep lifting and stop overeating and lose the weight (for MANY more reasons than just pussy). In the meantime, I implemented a sexual strategy and it gave me a wonderful experience.
Spending cash on pussy is expensive, but I paid a lot less than Leonardo DiCaprio did haha!

chitoryu12 posted:

To start, this post will be useless to most of you. If you are an attractive male, then this isn't for you.

chitoryu12 posted:

My Experience With Prostitution (Obese Virgin)

chitoryu12 posted:

My Experience With Prostitution (Obese Virgin)

moosecow333 posted:

I'm confused, is this guy actually proud of the fact that he paid well over a thousand dollars for sex?

Even if this story is made up, why lie about the fact you had to pay someone for sex?

quote:

loving good for you man, it's your birthright. Nobody gives a poo poo how fat or ugly you are, especially women - if you can afford them. And you ALWAYS pay for pussy, in some form, some way. No exceptions.

Now you just gotta be a little careful and watch for the resurgence of that blue pill brainwashing, which may start making you think you met "the love of your life" and you're going to marry the stripper ho, and give her a good life with you.

Ein cooler Typ posted:

I wish I could fart this good

chitoryu12 posted:

My Experience With Prostitution (Obese Virgin)

chitoryu12 posted:

It's from Redpill, the guys who think women are just cum dumpsters looking to abuse and manipulate men to satisfy their petty emotions. Like look at the first comment after:


They literally think that sex is their right as men and it's better to pay for it than risk getting involved with a "whore".

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

"Sensei" has to register when he moves, but it's not for that reason

chitoryu12 posted:

My Experience With Prostitution (Obese Virgin)

quote:

My dad is in the computer business, and is probably the most badass normal computer worker there, he has one of the people who developed the Texas instrument calculator's chips as his underling (but he's a good boss). Anyway... The people who run his servers (didn't have room for it at his house.) didn't update properly and accidentally let a hacker mess with the site's index page. First thing he does is call the server guys. They BS him and he calls it. He tracks down the hacker to BRAZIL (over the internet, of course) convinces the hacker to tell him how to do it and then informs the FBI while making sure that the method used by the hacker can never be used on one of his computers again.

quote:

This Troper's father had one of these at work. He's a milkman, so naturally, he delivers milk to stores, schools, and the like. On his old route, he had to deliver to a private school in Manhattan. He parked his truck, unloaded the milk, and delivered it, only to come back to see Mario Batali, in his limo, screaming about how the truck was blocking him and he had to drop his kids off at school. He began to scream at my father, ranting about how he was inconvenienced, dragging the principal into it on his side. Keep in mind, Mario Batali was about a foot shorter than my father. When he screamed up to him, "Do you know who I am?" my father replied "You're no Emeril." He proceeded to get in the truck and drive away, leaving behind an incredulous short chef and principal.

quote:

This is second hand information, but heard from this troper's sword maestro, who shouldn't have any reason to lie on the subject: two of his former students had walked from a SCA gathering late at night wearing their gear, including chain mail shirts under their coats, since it's easiest to carry that way. Passing a dark alley, near the railway station, one of them was stabbed in the back. The flimsy knife shattered on his mail, and while they ran away as fast as they could without looking back, you can believe that somewhere there is a very confused assailant. It's only a pity that they never saw his face.

quote:

This troper is extremely quiet, and was made fun of for his large size. He hated PE. He was forced to play in a game of the PE teacher's devising which was like Rugby but with no rules and a lot of tackling. His CMoA came when he (For the first time that year) caught a ball passed to him. The aim was to run to the other end of the field without being brought down. In doing so, he gave another player a concussion accidentally when they tried to tackle him, another a black and purple bruise across their chest the same way, and carried another player hanging off his waist trying to bring him down the entire length. After reaching the end of the field, he threw the ball down and shouted "YEAH! YEAH!" and burst into manic laughter. This was impressive enough to start a short lived Memetic Badass status (Introduced to new students as "This is John, who runs down freight trains" and variations thereon).

fliptophead posted:

Every time I cmoa I read it as choose my own adventure and picture this troper with fingers in the pages picking the most bestest outcome for the tale of poo poo that never happened

Khazar-khum posted:

hacker

fliptophead posted:

Every time I cmoa I read it as choose my own adventure and picture this troper with fingers in the pages picking the most bestest outcome for the tale of poo poo that never happened

quote:

with an rear end that is literally as nice as any other I’ve seen.