Powaqoatse posted:

man i hosed it up

mods: can i get the Q changed to a G?

also no caps pls

funmanguy posted:

No dont, it's perfect.

Theophany posted:

When I was growing up in High School I met my High School sweetheart. Unlike a Bruce Springsteen song, she was called Sue, not Mary. Sue and I were going steady for months and one night I took her down to the creek in my 396 Chevy and we knew that night we were gonna go all the way. We parked up, made some small talk and were both nervous. I had the World Series on the radio and goddamn it, it was a close game. It was the bottom of the ninth and we thought that they'd never win. As they played through the tenth innings, the squeeze play paid off and for the life of me I can't remember which darn team won that night. What I remember is Sue's body glistening through the moon roof on that darn Chevy as I climaxed inside her sinewy body.

Eight months later, I flunked High School. Sue was pregnant and for my birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat. My dreams of being a high falutin' Wall Street trader doing coke off the exquisite tits of hookers were dead and buried. Her parents had made me promise to marry her to make sure that there was no bastard child and I lived up to the responsibilities that I had saddled myself with.

When it came to Sue giving birth, the child came out of that once sweet cooch dead. Our child was a stillbirth, a dumpster baby to be thrown out because our darn 1950s medicine couldn't prevent it or find any medical use for the organs that had just been spat out.

To this day, I still get PTSD flashbacks every time I open a can of Sweet Sue's Whole Canned Chicken, which is pretty much what I live off these days. The fleeting moment of hope that a live chicken will slide out of that opening, only to be greeted by the horrific reality. A dead animal sliding out in fluids.







Anybody else got any Springsteen/Meat Loaf/Officer and a Gentleman inspired tales of teenage woe they'd like to get off their chests?

Powaqoatse posted:

man i hosed it up

mods: can i get the Q changed to a G?

also no caps pls

Solice Kirsk posted:

I feel like I'm missing out on something.

Powaqoatse posted:

man i hosed it up

mods: can i get the Q changed to a G?

also no caps pls

Solice Kirsk posted:

I feel like I'm missing out on something.

v2vian man posted:

during his speech hillary clinton replaced obama's chair with a chair of snakes!! oh no barack

v2vian man posted:

whats that noise! oh!! dick cheney has secreted a handsaw in his wheelchair and is hacking steadily at the supports of the capitol! devious indeed

v2vian man posted:

don't sign the paper!! the fine print says you give up rights to be president and agree to "never be president, not ever"

v2vian man posted:

the helicopter! obama is kidnapped inside. now, off to canada where he can never be president (they really hate blacks)

Koyaanisgoatse posted:

Powaqoatse posted:

thx

to be honest its growing on me, warts & all

now to get rid of that 10 year old custom title

Venom Snake posted:

Apologies. A few of of you died as babies because I forgot dwarf babies can't drink alcohol and all our water froze

Karate Bastard posted:

In case you're wondering Venom Snake is running a dwarf fortress game in the c-spam trump thread. It's pretty great.

du -hast posted:

Does anyone have the quote about love? It's something involving a thermostat, and every day she puts a lamp under it and breaks it, and it ends with something like YOU REPLACE THE FUKING COIL BECAUSE THATS WHAT LOVE IS

quote:

gently caress all the pop song puppy love bullshit. Your heart skipping a beat isn't love, it's cardiac arrhythmia. It's not about shortness of breath, either, or how turned on you get or whether you tell yourself you'd throw yourself in front of a bus for her or whatever. You can convince yourself of a lot about how you feel and what you would do in exchange for regular oral sex.

Love is when she drives you insane sometimes. And I don't mean merely "aggravating" or "annoying," I mean flat-out loving in. Sane. And in a way nobody else can do it in a million years. She'll drive you to the point where you'd gouge out your own eyeball with a melon baller or smack your scrotum a half-dozen times with a ball peen hammer if it means you can be done with this conversation. She'll make you want to chew your own arm off to get out of talking about this. And I don't care how many loving times you've had this conversation, each time, you know you'll have it again:

Her: I thought you turned the heat on.
You: I did.
Her: Well, I'm still cold. Are you sure you did it right?
You: Yes, I'm pretty sure I know how to turn on a thermostat.
Her: 'Cause you know you have to flip the switch to "heat" and....
You: Honey! I know! How to turn on! A thermostat! I went to college for it and everything.
Her: Well, I don't feel any heat blowing in here.
You: I know. I think you broke the thermostat again.
Her: I didn't break it.
You: Yes, you did, you put that halogen lamp right next to it again.
Her: That doesn't do anything.
You: Yes, it does.
Her: I thought you fixed it?
You: I did fix it, and you broke it again.
Her: Are you sure you fixed it right?
You: Yes, goddammit, I fixed it right.
Her: How do you know you fixed it?
You: 'Cause it worked when I fixed it!
Her: Well, it's not working now.
You: 'Cause you broke it again!
Her: How'd I break it?
You: You put the goddamn, loving lamp next to it!
Her: I don't see why a lamp would break a thermostat.
You: OK. I'm going to explain this. One more time. Slowly. Thermostats have a coil inside them that expands and contracts based on the temperature. This is how they know when it is hotter than the setting of the A/C, so it can cool the room off, or colder than the setting of the heating, so it can heat the room up. Halogen lamps generate heat. Halogen lamps generate a lot of heat. That's why you burn your fingers when you touch the bulbs after they've been on for a while. So when you put a halogen lamp next to a thermostat, it causes the coil to keep expanding and expanding and expanding past the point it's intended to expand. This makes the thermostat think it's really, really hot all the time, and it makes the coil less sensitive in the future, and it'll eventually break the coil so I'll have to replace the thermostat.
Her: That doesn't sound right.
You: Trust me. It's right.
Her: How do you know?
You: BECAUSE I TOOK SIXTH GRADE loving PHYSICS, OK?!
Her: Well, I don't think they should make thermostats that can be broken by something little like a lamp.
You: Fine. Don't think that. Write a letter to the manufacturers. Write a letter to universities and tell them to build a better thermostat. I don't loving care. But that's how they make them. That's why I keep moving the lamp, that's why I keep telling you not to put it back to the right of the bookcase, that's why I've had to fix the thermostat four loving times now. Stop! Putting! The lamp! Right! Next! To the thermostat!
Her: But on the other side of the bookcase, the front of the hallway is dark, and I can't see inside my gift closet.
You: Well, you can turn on the hall light to go through your gift closet, or you can sit here and be cold! Your choice, honey!
Her:
You:
Her:
You:
Her: I don't think you fixed the thermostat right.
You: GOD-MOTHERFUCKING-DAMMIT, I'M GOING TO FIX THAT MOTHERFUCKING THERMOSTAT TOMORROW, AND I SWEAR TO MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST IF YOU PUT THE LAMP NEAR THE THERMOSTAT AGAIN, I WILL SMASH IT TO A MILLION loving PIECES AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR GODDAMN THROAT!!! MOTHERFUCK ME, JESUS!!!!!!

And if the seventh time you have that conversation, knowing full well there will be an eighth time, you'd still rather have that conversation again than imagine a world she's not in, you're in love.

Especially if you do fix that thermostat... again... the next day, and not just so she'll shut up about it, but because you really don't want her to be cold anymore.

Alaois posted:

too bad C-SPAM is about to get nuked for threatening to kill donald trump

Kavak posted:

Here we go again. Link?

Kavak posted:

Here we go again. Link?

Crane Fist posted:

I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore

Sam Faust posted:

This veritable Vitruvian victory becomes very understandable when one takes note of detestable David's dinky dong.

davidspackage posted:

The Sezza posted:

Outrail posted:

I know it's fake but every time I read that I don't know if I'm angry at her be being so loving stupid or him for staying with someone so loving stupid. Or just change the bulb or smash the loving lamp. Ahhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhh!

Outrail posted:

I know it's fake but every time I read that I don't know if I'm angry at her be being so loving stupid or him for staying with someone so loving stupid. Or just change the bulb or smash the loving lamp. Ahhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhh!

Powaqoatse posted:

shes not stupid, she just doesnt give a gently caress, you idiot.

Outrail posted:

The quote specifically states that she doesn't quite get it. And if she's doesn't give a gently caress that it's driving him up the wall and can't be asked finding an alternative that's pretty toxic.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Dessert Island would be a good name for a tropical themed dessert buffet. I'm sure it exists.

A HUNGRY MOUTH posted:

You can't cut back on gift closet lighting! YOU WILL REGRET THIS!!

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

point of story: missed

RyokoTK posted:

do you mean this isn't an E/N story about a psycho wife gaslighting this guy about a thermostat?