lohli posted:

I just think it's more nuanced than only one party being a bad actor

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

I imagine it'd be a really hard situation if you're rightfully afraid your partner is going to hurt themselves, and wants to leave your home to get away from you. That guy chose wrong but it's not like I'd be confident and self-assured that I'm doing the right thing as I watched my self-harming (ex?) partner walk out the door, even if that's what I'd know I had to do. That guy sounds like a total poo poo and the story made me pretty anxious for her safety but, if the other story is really that she has a history of self-harm, I can at least understand his fear.

Taking away her cellphone takes away any semblance of good faith though - I don't think there's any excuse for that.

lohli posted:

I just think it's more nuanced than only one party being a bad actor

54 40 or gently caress posted:

I don't get how people don't see obvious solutions. You get a pumpkin, carve a jack o lantern face in it. Then you take the biggest butcher knife in your kitchen and write a note in your own blood that says "STAY AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND" and stick it to the pumpkin with the knife. Leave on her doorstep.
That's what I'd do anyway.

jack handey posted:

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone,
I do a little trick to calm myself down.
I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone,
but you know what I've left on the porch?
A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side
of its head with a note that says "You."
After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

RNG posted:

Troposphere posted:

he wasn't letting her leave before she threw her "tantrum" dude

quote:

I forgot if I screamed out of frustration. I think I did. Like a roar. I stomp out the bedroom, slam the door, and I make myself a bed on the couch.


The Situation
I can’t fall back asleep. I woke up at 5am and my phone read 1:30pm. I’ve been up 8 ½ hours seething.

lohli posted:

His not letting her out isn't really the start of this, and given his reaction as poo poo unfolds I'm assuming his not letting her out might have been out of a concern for her wellbeing(because I'm assuming she has a history of self-harming tantrums), he might have wanted reassurance that she wasn't going to go jump off a bridge or sit in the garden carving chunks out of herself, and her attitude of "I don’t want to tell him.... you were “too busy” playing your stupid game to come out and apologize to me, then I don’t want to tell you where I’m going. I’m only planning on going downstairs, but the principle, y’know?" was something that probably did nothing to assuage those concerns.

It seems like they both had plenty of opportunities to defuse things and should have talked to eachother like grown-rear end adults who had a problem to resolve.

Jeza posted:

It's easy to take the calm and collected high road once you drive somebody into a frenzy I guess. Maybe he was protecting her from herself in the end, but not before he drove her to that state by creating the situation by playing games at 3am+ in spite of promising not to (for weeks??!), then insisting that they should talk about it by not allowing her to leave the house. And then taking away her phone. I'm really not the person who harps on about this sort of stuff, but it's classic abusive behaviour. Being a complete shithead to such an extent that the partner snaps, then playing the caring, reassuring and calm card and trying to soothe things over by talking it through, despite them having "talked" that situation over many times already, with promises that he would change his behaviour and failing to do so, in order to make the other person seem the unreasonable one.

lohli posted:

His not letting her out isn't really the start of this, and given his reaction as poo poo unfolds I'm assuming his not letting her out might have been out of a concern for her wellbeing(because I'm assuming she has a history of self-harming tantrums), he might have wanted reassurance that she wasn't going to go jump off a bridge or sit in the garden carving chunks out of herself, and her attitude of "I don’t want to tell him.... you were “too busy” playing your stupid game to come out and apologize to me, then I don’t want to tell you where I’m going. I’m only planning on going downstairs, but the principle, y’know?" was something that probably did nothing to assuage those concerns.

It seems like they both had plenty of opportunities to defuse things and should have talked to eachother like grown-rear end adults who had a problem to resolve.

lohli posted:

I just think it's more nuanced than only one party being a bad actor

Helsing posted:

My [31F] husbands [30M] old college fling [32F] moved into our neighbourhood recently.Infidelity
submitted 5 hours ago * by gully6fd,

quote:

Okay. So. I'm going to get the obvious out of the way. I was a bit of a spoiled child, and my parents a lot of the time made me separate meals. I've always been an insanely picky eater, and its gotten better and worse. It fluctuates. It bothers me that I'm such a picky eater, and I want to change.

With cooking - I'm not very good at it. Nobody ever taught me. So I don't really know how to go about cooking anything in the first place.

The next obvious thing is to order things whenever I'm out eating somewhere (either at a restaurant or at someone elses house). Now - In the past when I've tried things in private - I gagged and made a big face. I'm really scared of doing that in public, or offending someone. Also - when it comes to eating out - It just feels 'safer' to order something I'm familiar with. So I'm not going to be paying a lot for something I may not like.

It is just really embarrassing, and has always gotten in the way of my life. Trust me - if you're annoyed with your picky eater friend/gf/bf - they're 10x more embarrassed than you are. I've denied over night trips with friends, sat there hungry for hours, and avoided events because of food. I cannot go into situations with out assessing the food situation. Food is a VERY social activity, and I hate it.

I've never dated before, and I want to start. But this glaring "FOOD" issue is embarrassing. I also want to lose weight, but its hard when my "safe" foods aren't healthy.

It isn't like the people around me are insane eaters. Nobody around me is trying to get me to eat deer, octopus, or squid. However - right now all Asian (Korean/Chinese/Japanese/etc), Arabic, and Mexican food sounds about as insane to me as someone asking you to eat a human eyeball probably does. It is all reasonable things. I know, at my age, I'll probably never be a "super" eater. I'll probably never try every little thing. I just want to be able to manage to function as an adult. My goal isn't to be a super eater who is willing to try to eat everything, try anything, etc. I want to be able to go to any situation and find SOMETHING to eat with out other people pressuring me, or having to go out of their way to eat somewhere.

I get freaked out when people try to push me to eat new foods. When I was younger - people did try to get me to eat more. However - A lot of people got frustrated and angry with me. So I feel like it slightly "freaked me out" when it comes to food. My mom also embarrassed me a few times by making a big deal out of telling my friends parents and stuff. It was embarrassing (even when I was like 15.) So now a lot of the time I feel very anxious when it comes to unfamiliar food.

(I say that as an explanation - not an excuse. I'm an adult. I should eat like an adult - not a six year old).
Sometimes I want to try what other people are making, but I feel like my family would make a big deal out of it.
I just don't know how to deal with it. It feels like a genuine fear when I'm going to eat new foods. There are specific 'types' of food I'm okay/not okay with.

I'm about to start husband and friend shopping at a SED meeting lol.

tl;dr: I'm a picky eater, and it is getting in the way of me creating a social life.

Charles Get-Out posted:

The guy isn't a medical professional or legal authority and has no business physically restraining her on based his maybe-suspicions, regardless of how unreasonable she's being and especially since he is the direct cause of many of her negative reactions.

Charles Get-Out posted:

I think you have a point, but 1) calling someone a champ for controlling their temper is a little misguided and 2) he didn't really control it considering he physically blocked her into a space and took away her means of communication for a very extended period of time.

The way you're phrasing the situation kind of reads like the natural reaction would be for him to hit her or physically force her more than he did and you're applauding him for doing otherwise.


It's a bit of a cop-out to me cause the dude caused the situation that led to him being "afraid" she was gonna hurt herself. But for his imprisoning her and taking away her means of communication, she would not have seemed like she was trying to hurt herself sorta thing.

loquacius posted:

Lohli please cut your losses and stop derailing so we can move on

quote:

This is really hard to write and I'm currently at a loss. So I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I am closer to him than anything. I care about him a lot and I don't know if this is a dealbreaker considering his past and willingness to get therapy but let me go on to the story.

So I recently moved into my best friend's house and we share a bathroom. Last night she noticed a weird red light coming from a charger looking thing in the corner of her room and on further investigation found out it was a camera. She had seen it in the bathroom a few days previously but didn't think anything of it. My boyfriend has access to the house but at first I didn't suspect him at all. I texted him explaining the situation and how creepy it was and then a few hours later while I was at work he called me crying and confessed. He had put it there only a few days ago and I'm not sure his intention. He said it was just impulsive and stupid. Then he started talking about how much he wanted to die and once he told me that he wanted to jump off the roof I called 911 because I could tell he was at legitimate risk. He is now in the hospital for a minimum of three days. At this point I don't plan on pressing charges.

When he was young he was abused by his older brother for many years. He received therapy for this but I've always thought he needed more and I think this proves me correct. I'm glad he is now getting help but I don't know where that leaves us.

I know that he is a genuinely good person but he does have a lot of issues and this is certainly at the top of the list. I want to continue being close with him whether romantically or not because I understand him better than anyone else does and he understands me.

I also need help coping, he was my first hand hold, kiss and eventually sex so I am incredibly attached to him and can't imagine life without him and I intend to do everything possible to help him regain his full potential.

How can I cope with this? Should I press charges? Is it smart to attempt to continue a relationship with him?
TL;DR: Found a camera disguised as a charger in the house this morning and when I told my boyfriend he admitted to putting it there. He almost killed himself so I called 911 and he is now in the hospital.

quote:

Hi everyone!
So, I [22 f] can be a bit clueless with dating and boys and I would really appreciate some advice. Basically, about three months ago,I moved to a foreign country and broke up with my boyfriend (dated about 9 months). Since then, I've kind of wanted to be single and enjoy myself a bit. Recently, I figured I could probably hook up and not get too attached, since I've been enjoying being single so much, so I made a tinder. However, I have very little tinder experience, so I'm not really sure what's considered normal.
So about two weeks ago, I matched with this guy [26 m]. We started texting a lot and seemed to get along really well. He's actually a pro athlete (which is why I'm extra skeptical) and just got traded to be here, he's from my original country too.
So we met a couple days ago and had a fantastic date. Really good chemistry and he turned out to be really cute. Right after the date, he started texting me all this really cute stuff, like I feel like I'm high off of meeting you and when you kissed me goodbye I felt like I saw the world in color. He always sends me good morning and goodnight texts and we've been texting each other until we fall asleep for the past week.
So the thing is, we met on tinder. I don't even have a bio, I thought it was pretty clear what I was on tinder for. It's not like he had to romance me, I was already in. Now I feel like he's adding in emotions when I was trying to keep this emotionless. And now I feel like I could fall for him, but I'm not sure if he's just playing some big game. I guess I don't understand why he would add the emotional stuff unless he meant it, but at the same time, he's an attractive professional athlete, so it's hard to take him at face value.
tl;dr: I met a guy on tinder and don't understand what his end game is.

lohli posted:

Lockback posted:

Nobody has any idea what happened because you got an account from a total stranger posting on reddit for relationship advice.


Is he a player? I don't understand his end game.

RNG posted:

i'm just curious but did you try signing up as "loli" and that was taken

Lockback posted:

Is he a player? I don't understand his end game.

lohli posted:

I agree to an extent, but I can empathise with someone not wanting someone they care about to run off and self-harm, and he certainly goofed at the start.

check out my Youtube posted:

The best way to deal with someone who is potentially a harm to themselves is to relentlessly and childishly antagonize them and make sure you don't call for professional help even when they're hysterically screaming and crying and attacking you. Truly, a champ.

Khorne posted:

He was on the phone with her mom. Besides the cell phone thing, he wasn't antagonizing her. She didn't even wake up, after sleeping for 6 hours, due to him being on the computer. Every single action he made is antagonizing her: not talking to her, talking to her, leaving her alone, being with her, apologizing, not apologizing, going on with his day, not going on with his day, being on the computer, getting off the computer, being quiet, existing.

That post is like a litmus test for identifying whether someone has dealt with a person close to them who has severe cluster b personality disorder traits or not.

quote:

Hi /r/relationships. You all seem to have good insight into the possibilities as to why people sometimes do the things they sometimes do, so I'm hoping you can help me out here.

So the usual. My fiance "Rick" and I were engaged for 2 years, together 3 1/2 all total. Like any couple we had our ups and downs and minor problems here and there, etc etc. Honestly no major issues though, at least none he ever brought up. We managed to work through anything that did come up with communication and compromise. There really was no issue on which we couldn't do that. AFAIK we were on the same page with careers, kids (childfree) and all the important stuff.

I've been through some breakups in my day, and I've been through a few bad breakups, but never in my life would I have imagined anything like this.

I came home from work on Saturday and all of Rick's things were just gone. He must have had a small army help him move, and this came totally out of nowhere. We were completely fine the night before. Went out to dinner, met up with some friends, had fun, had a few drinks, had great sex, talked about Thanksgiving plans with our respective families and went to sleep cuddled up.

And then the next day he's just gone. No explanation, no note, no sign of problems, not even a passive aggressive anything anywhere.

So of course I called him. And of course I was crying. I don't honestly remember what I said exactly, but I know I didn't curse him out or anything, I was far too hurt and confused and just..... like wtf just happened?

And what does he say? "Come on, [my name], you have to get past this. Relationships end every day."

I swear to god it hadn't even been 12 hours since he packed up all his stuff and left, and he's talking like I'm the psycho ex who can't let go and is still calling him 6 months later??? We weren't even having any problems!!!!!

He eventually said "Look, this isn't helping anything." and just hung up.

I texted him today, calmer, and said "Look, if you don't want to be with me, I guess there's nothing I can do about that. But we were planning a future and a life together, I gave you over 3 years of mine in good faith, I would at least like an explanation of what you think went so wrong that you felt you had to leave without telling me or even trying to solve the problem. You are very special to me, and I believed that you felt the same about me. If you're getting cold feet about marriage, there were MUCH better ways to handle it, but maybe for whatever reason you felt you couldn't talk to me about it? If that's it, you can, and while I'm not sure we can fix this, I would at least be willing to listen to what you have to say."

He texted back "Your problem is that you got involved, and here's all this talk of investment that I hoped wouldn't come up. It was your choice to spend 3 years with me. There is nothing to fix, you need to stop focusing on me as your "someone special". I cannot be that."

You guys..... I don't even know what hit me. I mean obviously he's done. But what the actual gently caress happened in my life just now? One minute I'm planning a future with the man I love, and the next he's acting like we were never anything? Am I crazy? Did I just imagine that we've lived together for the last year and a half? Were the family dinners and the save the dates all a big dream and none of it ever happened? If I look at my pictures that I think he's in, am I really in them alone and there never was a Rick?

And how is it my problem/my choice that I got involved with someone who asked me to marry them? Even when I've broken up with someone because they've done something so awfully unforgiveable I couldn't imagine spending another second with them, there's STILL been leftover feelings of the time we spent together and the plans and hopes we had when things were good. I thought that was pretty normal?

How could he have been this checked out and I never noticed? He never mentioned anything was wrong. He never even acted any different. He wasn't distant, home less, there were no weird excuses like drinks with friends or working late, we had the same amount of sex, we laughed just as much, hell, we just adopted a kitten together and he did throw in "And you can keep Tucker, tell him I love him" as afterthought and maybe to twist the knife, he misses the kitten we've had for 4 months more than me?

I mean, I suppose I could have been the side chick this whole time, I've read stories like that on here, and right now I can't rule anything out. I'm flip flopping between absolute confusion, anger, anguish, and some feeling like I just want to chase him down and get in his face and do.... idek what... until he tells me WHY (I mean, I won't, obviously I never knew this man).

Where do I go from here? What the hell just happened? How do I move on from this? How is this even possible?

tl;dr My fiance left with no warning. We had no problems. Over the course of 2 conversations, he was saying things that sounded like this was only ever a casual fling and I'm some overly attached FWB or stalker. What the ever loving gently caress happened? How do I move on? How do I ever trust anyone again?

Khorne posted:

That post is like a litmus test for identifying whether someone has dealt with a person close to them who has severe cluster b personality disorder traits or not. You can see the naive posters who are looking at the post for cause:effect relationships through the lens of their own brains, the posters who acknowledge something is up but know the boyfriend's actions are generally bad and big red flags, and the posters who realize the reality of the situation.

lazorexplosion posted:

3 1/2 years total, 2 years engaged. Is this the biggest ghosting we've ever had? Kinda curious what the highest score is on that front.

quote:

Okay, so the title is pretty self explanatory.

I like to masturbate, doesn't mean I'm not sexually satisfied with my partner. Sometimes a person has just got to give their genitals a little one on one TLC, you know?

My SO is normally very level-headed and sweet. We've been together for 3 years. Really not many issues, just the normal bickering now that we live together. Sometimes I want to throw a glass plate at his head and laugh manically and I'm sure he feels the same sometimes.

Normal LT relationship stuff.

We've never talked much about masturbation, but... I mean, I know he does it and I figured he knew the same. I don't give a poo poo about him looking at porn and furiously masturbating to it as long as it doesn't replace me or become an addiction.

Other than that, fap away, I say!

I look at porn. I'm straight but I get off big time to lesbian porn. Females are just sexy as hell. But I have tried to have sex with women before and it turns out that it's all about the fantasy for me. I can tackle my own vagina with finesse, but someone else's... not so much [me telling you this has relevancy, sorry].

So anyway, about a month ago I was reallyyyy going to town. When I know I have time, I make it a pretty big ordeal. Lots of toys.

My SO wasn't supposed to be home for 2 more hours. I was spread eagle on the bed. Going. To. Town.

I had lesbian porn playing on the TV from my laptop.

My SO, we'll call him Evan, just stood there for a few seconds, shocked. I stopped for a second and then I said something like, "want to join?" and kept... well... banging myself.

I thought he'd think it was hot. If I'd walked in on him and he'd asked me to join, I would have gladly hopped right in, it would have been a turn on to find him like that.

He said I was disgusting and he left. Like just turned around, out of the bedroom, out of the apartment. Gone. For hours without answering his phone.

Wtf??

When he finally got home, he wouldn't talk to me and asked me to leave him alone.

I did.

So the next morning I couldn't shut up any longer and I asked why on Earth he was mad at me. It turned into this huge blowout fight about how he always thought I was satisfied but obviously not and that he'd never seen me enjoy myself that much with him (not true). Then he brought up the lesbian porn. He started asking if I was gay and if this had been something I'd been hiding from him.

I told him he was being ridiculous, that having sex with him is always better and preferred over masturbation [totally true] and that no, I was not gay. I told him that fantasizing about women was just my thing, but that I'd tried it irl [he knew about this] and that I just couldn't handle a vagina that wasn't my own. It wasn't a pleasurable experience for me.

He never apologized and I didn't push the matter, we just sort of stopped talking about it and I thought things were getting better. Except now he is just constantly hitting me with passive comments.

"That girl is hot, are you going to think about her tonight when we have sex?" "So, are you in the mood for me or your dildo tonight?" "Don't have too much fun with yourself today."

It's constant and I keep telling him to knock it off but he won't. It's like it's eating away at him, he's clearly very bothered about it still. How do I approach this with him? I've even suggested mutual masturbation together or for him to use my toys on me to make him feel better.

Where does this insecurity come from and how do I help him get over it? I'm not going to apologize for masturbating or stop, so he can forget that. Sorry, but my body, my fantasies, my right. He's out of luck there.

tl;dr My SO walked in on me masturbating. He can't get over it and is still very upset. This just seems crazy but it's really driving a wedge between us and it actually feels like he might never let this go. Any advice on how to settle this or how to approach this situation differently? I'm at a loss!

quote:

We've been together for 10 years, he's generally a very clean person so this was kind of shocking. I had a suspicion that he might have done it one other time but he denies it. Last night we were getting ready for bed/sex and we took a shower together but I got out before him. I went into the walk-in closet that is across from the shower area. I took a few minutes selecting a sexy nighty to wear and when I came out I could smell poo poo and he had the shower hose in his hand and had it pointed at the drain. I had an immediate flashback to reading about the the disgusting people here on Reddit that claim to poo poo in the shower because they are too drat lazy to get out and use the loving toilet. I couldn't believe my husband was doing this! I called him out and he said it was an accident and that he was embarrassed and sorry. But like I said, I suspect he's done it before. Anyway, we didn't have any sex last night because I couldn't hide my disgust. Our shower has not been draining properly and the idea of it being used as a toilet is too much for me. I put out the bleach for him while he was still in the shower last night and told him he had to clean it. But this morning I went to look and there was still some residue. I have to go get some Draino, and I don't intend on using the shower anymore.

I just don't know what to do now. I am so angry, and disgusted. I love my husband but i don't know if I can look at him the same way anymore.

UPDATE: My husband and I have been talking. I'm not going to throw away almost 10 years of what has been a very happy and fulfilling marriage over a very odd lapse in judgement on his part. He obviously was not thinking straight when he "sharted" accidentally (I'll take his word) in the shower. This is very unlike him, he is well-to-do professional, no mental illness or anything like that. He's Asian but he grew up in a big city on the East coast of USA. Maybe it's the medication, he's only used it one other time many years ago before being put on it again recently for 7 days. I don't know.

He tells me he is so ashamed he can't even look at me, so I am going to take the high road on this one and let it go, as some of you have suggested. And also because I love him. He promises to be careful in the future. He also took care of the drain and scrubbed the bath while I was out. For now I think this has been resolved.

Thanks for the advice not to freak out. I get it, it's embarrassing for him.

I know that to some of you this is an over-reaction, I've been on Reddit long enough to know that to some of you making GBS threads in the shower is no big deal, there's even an affectionate term for it, Waffle Stomping. For me, this kind of behavior is unacceptable and it is not normal. It's extremely disturbing to me that some Redditors think doing that is ok, though not surprising.

UPDATE #2: WE ARE NOT DIVORCING OVER THIS!! I was completely shocked that he did what he did but I am not leaving him. We have talked and things are going to be fine. Secondly, I did NOT say he does this regularly, I said I SUSPECTED he's done it one other time, but I have no proof. So please stop telling me to join him or whatever. Thirdly, the only reason I mentioned he was Asian is because he is of Japanese heritage. Japanese people are very meticulous about their bathrooms, especially the bathing area, so this was something I never expected him to do. I'm not Asian and I'm not White, my race is irrelevant because I don't poo poo in the shower.

quote:

I'm on mobile so sorry for the format. I am so distraught. my boyfriend well call him Shane sold my black lotus beta card. now for those of you that don't know, this card is worth $20,000 right now. I was never planning to sell it. I got it from my mom for a birthday present when i first started playing magic. My mom has passed now and that is one of the things I treasure from her. I don't know what to do, I'm very upset and he won't tell me where he sold it so I could get it back. Please give me some advice, thank you

tdlr: my boyfriend sold my mtg beta black lotus magic card. I don't know what to do now.

Edit: the price. forgot the dollar sign, sorry I was a little distraught when I typed this.

I went to the police station last night, computer in hand and told them that my card was stolen. They had a hard time believing that my card cost so much so I showed them. They said they would look into it. Then i called my renters insurance and they said i would get my money back. I finally found out where he sold the card to and i called the shop and told them it was stolen, there was so much arguing to get the card back and I had to go down there. I got my card back after telling them I was going to call the police and had them arrested for having stolen property. They cooperated and gave it back. As for the bf, he is an ex now. I packed up all his poo poo and left it outside and changed the locks. As far as i know, his mother came to get his stuff. So thank you for the advice Reddit, you helped me out tons!

Shame Wagon posted:

Yeah, I did pick up on a lot of language in there that to me suggests very serious omissions or underestimations of how extreme her own behaviour was. It is all just very reminiscent of how people with bpd or bipolar disorder recall incidents where they have actually been very aggressive or in hysterical distress that prompts others to intervene. From their perspective they were behaving perfectly reasonably and were doing nothing to prompt intervention, and everyone else's behaviour is distorted to be far more negative and hostile, or they outright make things up.

At the same time there isn't anyway to know for sure from the post alone, so I don't begrudge anyone's interpretation. Basically, everyone should stop being so judgy about each other's interpretation because dealing with reactive mental illnesses is very hard and even professionals often take actions that are only ambiguously justifiable. Also this derail is bad.

Demon Of The Fall posted:

So did the ex get to keep the 20k? That's a good trade imo

Demon Of The Fall posted:

So did the ex get to keep the 20k? That's a good trade imo

Demon Of The Fall posted:

So did the ex get to keep the 20k? That's a good trade imo

Smirking_Serpent posted:

I [25 M] have a hard time finding girls to date because I want them to like The Legend of Zelda

Smirking_Serpent posted:

I [25 M] have a hard time finding girls to date because I want them to like The Legend of Zelda

Zahgaegun posted:

Imagine someone breaking up with you because you didn't like The Legend of Zelda