CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I thought that subreddit got banned and sent to voat for being awful?

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I thought that subreddit got banned and sent to voat for being awful?

quote:

Hello, my dear gluttonous ones, long term lurker first time poster signing in to share my tales of lardy woe. Boy oh boy, do I have some decadent accounts for your reading pleasure. A quick note that this introduction will be separated into two posts, the background information and then the juicy main course. So, without further delay, grab some nourishing snacks and prepare for your jimmies to be rustled to high heaven.

But first…

The Cast
RunnerBean (me): Inordinate amounts of running and inability to pass driving test has caused skinny frame and puny string bean-like limbs. 22 year old female, 5’5 110ish lbs.

HandsomePlaid: Lovely boyfriend, so named for his love of flannel shirts. Also 22 years old, likes to lift heavy things, 6’0 of lean muscliness.

CutieJupiter: HandsomePlaid’s super cute little sister, teeny tiny 13 year old obsessed with manga, especially Sailor Moon.

Miss Hammibal Leftover: The subject of my nightmares, 19 years old, 5’2 rapidly expanding planet with purple hair. Difficult to estimate an accurate weight without access to scales at the marine biology centre.

MrsClaus: Hammibal Leftover’s mother, super kind lady who looks exactly like her namesake. Smells of apple pie and sugarplums but has sadly fulfilled her daughters every wish all her life.

Background Information
I first met HandsomePlaid at my local gym and was immediately smitten. Every morning of the winter months I slogged away on the same treadmill occasionally stealing glances at him over in the temple of iron. After a “chance” meeting at the water fountain where I very casually suggested I could use some “lifting advice” we began an epic romance. After dating for a few weeks, I began to learn more about him and realised that unlike me he had been through a lot. Both his parents had died when he was 16 in a car accident and he had been left to care of his then 7 year old sister. Not even taking time to grieve he left school and began working on a construction site to support them both as they bounced between distant uninterested relatives.

After a few months of struggling he realised they needed help, his sister was falling deeper and deeper into sadness and he had no plan for their future. Help came soaring in on a magical sleigh (or so I imagined) from the aptly named MrsClaus. She was a close friend of their mothers who they had known and loved like family all their lives. She had secretly been putting wheels into motion and clearing space in her already too small house to take them both in. You see, MrsClaus had been widowed at a very early age and had been left as a single mother. She was determined to give HandsomePlaid all the help she could in raising his grief-stricken sister. Before they knew it they had moved in, CutieJupiter slept in a tiny box room while he slept on the sofa. Life seemed like it was turning around and HandsomePlaid swears he finally saw his little sister smile again.

Enter the problem, the huge problem, the destroyer of happiness… Miss Hammibal Leftover. Now let me begin by saying that this growing mountain of beetus had been steadily expanding in size for as long as HandsomePlaid had known her. However, he tells me that she had never come across as anything other than just annoying and a bit of a brat when they were kids. Although HandsomePlaid’s mother was very close to MrsClaus the two families had grown apart as the children grew up. Until they moved in with MrsClaus the pair had not had much contact with the hambeast other than on facebook. This meant that neither of them where prepared for the horrors to come. Hammibal Leftover had grown into a nightmare tumblrina brimming with entitlement and continuously barking fatlogic to anyone willing to listen. It should also be said that the porky planet developed a significant crush on HandsomePlaid over the time that he lived with her. As soon as HandsomePlaid hit 18 he moved out into his own tiny apartment to give MrsClaus more space. He still visited her house nearly every day, unwilling to leave his sister alone with the monstrosity.

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+1 for lardy woe and mention of marine biology centers.

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>Difficult to estimate an accurate weight without access to scales at the marine biology centre.
CLASSIC

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The Meeting

Flash forward four years, CutieJupiter’s broken heart is mending as she grows, she is doing well in school and being the shy kid that she is, retreats into her fantasy world of manga every evening. For the most part Hammibal Leftover leaves her be (a small blessing). HandsomePlaid and myself have been dating a while and he has told me of his situation. I am eager to meet his bright little sister who he constantly gushes about, his warnings of the ham in the room do nothing to put me off, I am sure he is overexaggerating (oh you fool). So, one lazy Sunday afternoon a nice relaxed barbeque is planned for me to meet everyone. As HandsomePlaid and I are quite the health-conscious pair I decide to bring some nutritious snacks that I’m hoping everyone will like. I decide on making my mom’s flapjacks, a healthy twist on a classic that I’m sure will reel them in. I spent all morning sprinkling flaked almond and mixing hearty oats, finally they were finished and if I do say so myself baked to perfection.

I’m immediately greeted at the house by a warm hug from MrsClaus and a shy wave from CutieJupiter who had her head stuck in a book, I liked them already. I plop myself down, flapjacks in hand while HandsomePlaid scooped up his sister into a bear hug (cue my heart melting at his adorable brotheryness). I settle in for an afternoon of witty banter and amusing anecdotes. Suddenly the blissful scene is interrupted by a bellowing whale call that pierced through my ears and vibrated into my skull.

“HandsomePlaid!” My head whipped round to inspect what had just violated my eardrum. Words escaped me and I’m ashamed to say my jaw probably hit the floor. What stood behind me was not “fat” like my boyfriend had so graciously described, but looked ready to suck poor CutieJupiter into her orbit as she approached. She was dressed in what looked like a giant ace bandage stretched to its limit, I soon came to learn this was in fact one of her many “currrrve enhancing” mini dresses. She hurtled towards HandsomePlaid at extraordinary speed. “Oh, I’ve missed you so much!” she shrieked as she flew into him. He crouched low and spread his feet trying desperately to absorb the impact, but alas it did nothing to soften the force as he was flung backwards into the patio fence.

“Erm, Hi Hammibal, its erm, great to see you again” he mumbled, looking over at me embarrassed, as he peeled himself off the fence and out of her grasp. “You know I did see you a few days ago right” he laughed awkwardly.

“I know! But we’re just so close, it always feels like way longer than that when you’re gone” she mused, staring wistfully up at him then going in for another sticky embrace, he swiftly sidestepped.

“Hammibal, this is my girlfriend RunnerBean, you know the one I’ve been telling you about.” He gestured over to me sitting frozen in a deck chair after just witnessing my boyfriend get engulfed by a mountain of flesh.

“Hi, Ni-ice to meet you” I stuttered, standing up and stretching out my hand, trying to play it cool. But by the look on her face I knew something was wrong.

“Girlfriend! You don’t have a girlfriend!” she shrieked, looking me up and down like I was a pint of ben & jerry's about to be decimated. I immediately dropped my hand, everyone looked at her, shocked by the sudden outburst.

“Oh Hammibal, of course he does, he hasn’t shut up about her for weeks” cooed MrsClaus who winked at me trying to diffuse the tension.

“I thought it was just another one of the girls he has over for a night and then drops!” she shot me a vicious look, “you know nothing serious!” she turned back to him with fury in her eyes. Unbeknownst to Hammibal, HandsomePlaid and I had shared the details of our past dating history. I was fully aware that after his parents died he had a particularly rough few years of heavy drinking, drug use and one-night stands. I knew that my boyfriend was no saint, which may have been partly why I was so attracted to him (amirite ladies?). I myself had had my fair share of hook-ups, so her words did little to wound me, but that didn’t stop them from outraging HandsomePlaid.

“Hammibal seriously, what the hell is wrong with you! I’ve brought RunnerBean round here to meet my family, the least you can do is be welcoming! I really care about her and I want her to know you guys because she’s important to me!” He said sternly, looking over at me.

“Fine” she grumbled “but don’t expect me to be friends with that stick insect when it probably won’t last long anyways.” She grabbed a plate from the table and began loading up with food while scowling over at me. Clearly the fact that the meats had finished cooking during her rampage was enough to quell the beast. CutieJupiter who had remained silent up until that moment suddenly smiled and handed me a beer from the cooler

“Well I hope she stays, I think she’s nice” she said sweetly. I’d barely been there five minutes and already this little darling was defending me… I knew I liked this kid. Hammibal just grumbled and licked barbeque sauce off her hands. A nauseating sight.
The next few hours passed without incident. Hammibal sulked in the corner, sprawled out on an inflatable chair. Her flesh hung off each side as she stuffed morsel after morsel into her mouth, she was engrossed in a trashy looking romance novel. She did occasionally shoot daggers at me whenever HandsomePlaid showed me any affection, but other than that left me alone. I bonded with CutieJupiter teaching her how to draw roses with my sketchpad while MrsClaus fussed around everyone refilling drinks and serving endless food. Now, as a distance runner I pride myself on being able to pack away a significant amount of food, and in my family, I am famous for my sweet tooth. But I must admit I was utterly defeated by the spread set out before me by MrsClaus. Plates piled high with potatoes, bread, four different types of salad, pasta, ribs, chicken, sausages, burgers and endless desserts/sodas where laid out for us. After filling up to my heart’s content and politely refusing yet another plate from our gracious host, I brought out the tin of flapjacks I had brought. Although they paled in comparison to everything else I never could resist my mother’s healthy treats.

“I made these flapjacks for you guys, they’re my mom’s recipe and my absolute favourite, would anyone like to try one?” I offered, holding out the tin.

“Ooooo I love flapjacks!” squealed CutieJupiter, a fact I had known long before I had arrived at the barbeque. “Do you,” I smiled slyly over at HandsomePlaid. “Have as many as you want, they’re healthier than normal flapjacks, with less sugar and almond butter substituted in.” I knew full well that one of CutieJupiters favourite snack foods was almonds.

“Yeh sis, RunnerBean makes great healthy snacks, even better than the store-bought ones!” HandsomePlaid chimed in. Mrs Claus and CutieJupiter both took a flapjack and complimented my baking, I swelled with pride. My plan to win them over with baked goods was paying off.

“Would you like one Hammibal Lector?” I said offering the tin to the hambeast.

“Ew no, gross! Healthy food always tastes disgusting, almonds are super bad for you anyway as they’re so high in fat. That’s probably why you’re so anorexic looking RunnerBean! because you eat like no sugars! don’t you know that they are what nourish your body and make you healthy” She flipped her greasy hair over her shoulder, as if she’d just scienced me into oblivion. Now dear readers, you must understand that I come from a very academic and sheltered life, my mother is a doctor and my entire family is very health conscious. I had not really been introduced to fat logic at this point and assumed that most people where as well educated as I was. Hammibal Lector with one breath had completely shattered that illusion. I was stunned, ready to correct her and drop some knowledge, I opened my mouth to respond. HandsomePlaid looked at me and shook his head, giving me a look that said, “don’t bother, it’s not worth it.” I smiled politely and put the lid back on the tin.

The hot weather was causing the flapjacks to soften, I also noticed that mountains of dirty dishes had piled up on the table (many of which had been graciously supplied by the Hammibal). I offered to take some of the dishes inside, and put the flapjacks in the pantry to stop them getting soggy. MrsClaus directed me inside while CutieJupiter expressed her happiness that there was so much flapjack left over for her to take to school the next week. I sashayed away, happy to have won over my boyfriend’s family. A few hours later and not long before we were due to leave I noticed that Hammibal Leftover was no longer present, preoccupied by our conversations we must have missed her slip back inside. I thought nothing of it, as it was a very hot day and I assumed she went to escape the heat. HandsomePlaid and I decided we needed to get going, so we gathered our things and prepared to leave. To get out to the car we had to walk back through the house. CutieJupiter and MrsClaus said they would walk us out to say goodbye. We opened the patio door to find Hannibal Leftover stood frozen in the middle of the kitchen. She had what looked like chocolate all over her face and hands and was holding an empty tin. The look on her face was a picture, like a deer caught in headlights.

“Hammibal, what on earth are you doing” MrsClaus exclaimed, stepping towards her daughter.

“Is that all the flapjack!” CutieJupiter cried, visibly upset.

That’s right folks, while we were all outside, Hammibal Leftover had snuck inside and eaten a tin of flapjack big enough to feed a family of five. Not only that, but judging by the mess of chocolate sauce, mini marshmallows, syrup and candy wrappers in the kitchen she had added her own “toppings” to my healthy creation and concocted an artery clogging, beetus inducing snack that should have been enough to stop her heart.

“I was hunnnnnngry!” she wailed, “I couldn’t eat a normal amount outside with HER judging me!” she sobbed raising a chocolate covered hand to point in my direction. “It’s not my fault! sob, I felt faint gulp, my sugars where low sob, I would have gotten ill” she cried, fat tears rolled down her cheeks. MrsClaus wrapped an arm around her daughter in an attempt to stop her blubbering. The rest of us stood still, stunned at the display. After a few awkward reassuring words, we silently walked to the door. CutieJupiter looked crestfallen while hugging her brother and me goodbye. At that moment, although I barely knew that kid I wanted to whisk her away from the beast and take her home with me. She hugged me goodbye and I promised to be back soon with more flapjack, she smiled weakly. HandsomePlaid and I got into the car while CutieJupiter waved us off from the doorway with a look of sadness in her eyes. We could still hear Hammibal’s whale cries as we drove away.

This was my first meeting with Hammibal Leftover, little did I know the horrors to come. I had barely scratched the surface but,
All good things to those who wait

TL;DR: Pyscho ham in love with my boyfriend scoffs in the face of health food, before sneaking away to devour enough flapjack to feed a small army.

Continue for MOAR

rebelmanatee posted:

Those flapjacks sound delicious. Please don't wait too long before posting another story.

Erling2017 posted:

And the recipe!

who loving cares posted:

Moar, but now I would also like recipe for that flapjacks.

gently caress posted:

I havent even read the rest of the story, but I immediately scrolled down to see of the recipe was posted in the comment. RunnerBean, would you mind sharing the recipe, it sounds delicious!!

redditLOLKEKLOOOLLL posted:

Well you've successfully rustled my flapjacks. MOAR!

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Your writing style is completely addictive. I can't wait for more

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I am so hooked! Love the people!

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I cannot wait for more. So excited!!!

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This is loving brilliant, I never expected to see one of these written at the quality you expect to see in a published book. Excellent stuff please continue

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Mah shugahs! MOAR! MOARRRR, says I!!

Thursday Next posted:

First, a little backstory!


Bonus Commentary!

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Now onwards to the next chubby instalment! We last left Hammibal crying in the kitchen after she inhaled all my baked goods, this next story occurs a few weeks later.

But First…

The Cast of this tale

RunnerBean (me): String bean, 22 year old female, 5’5 110ish lbs.

HandsomePlaid: Lovely boyfriend, so named for his love of flannel shirts. Also 22 years old, likes to lift heavy things, 6’0 of lean muscliness.

Miss Hammibal Leftover: The subject of my hammy nightmares, 19 years old, 5’2 rapidly expanding planet with purple hair, self-described as “sexylicious”

As previously mentioned HandsomePlaid and myself are avid gym goers, still attending the same gym where we first met. We make a habit to always try and go together so he can teach me more about lifting and I can push him through punishing cardio sessions. One very normal evening I was at HandsomePlaid’s apartment when he casually mentioned that Hammibal Leftover had messaged him on facebook about some “personal training” sessions. Now HandsomePlaid is in excellent shape (carved out of stone) but he isn’t a personal trainer. He was confused at where she had gotten the idea. I too was puzzled, but also secretly delighted that she might be interested in getting into better shape.

It wasn’t until that night when I was scrolling through my phone, I had a realisation. The day before I had posted a cute picture of myself and HandsomePlaid in the gym together, with a caption along the lines of “Ready to get my butt kicked by my dashing PT 😉”. It struck me that Hammibal Leftover must have seen this and thought HandsomePlaid was suddenly a personal trainer. I promptly told him this and he agreed that that was probably the case. We chatted about how this could be a good thing and how getting Hammibal into the gym and enjoying exercise could change her life for the better. HandsomePlaid messaged Hammibal letting her know that both he and I would be at the gym the next evening and she could use one of our guest passes to work out with us.

It may be useful to know that at this point I had made quite an effort to be nice to Hammibal, I was sure she would warm up to me eventually. All efforts thus far had failed, but I was determined to change that. Maybe she could be my new gym buddy! I excitedly thought to myself. Soon we could be bonding over spinning class and green tea. I was looking forward to our session. The next day rolled around and we anxiously awaited her arrival in the gym lobby.

Twenty-five minutes late she strolled in… Oh god.. what’s that.. Oh dear lord, it can’t be! The planet approached, wearing what she must have thought was a “sexy” outfit. A luminous orange crop top that looked to be many sizes too small barely covered her overflowing chest. Her dimpled thighs oozed out of a pair of pale grey micro shorts, pulled up so high I could see what she had for lunch. Black knee-high socks tried to contain her legs but the fabric strained at the seams. Her huge belly sagged over the waistband and wiggled as she walked. It was quite an ensemble.

Again, I nearly lost a tooth when my jaw hit the floor.

HandsomePlaid looked at me in horror, “Oh Jesus” he whimpered.

“He-eyyyyy” she shrieked, jiggling towards us, clutching a Starbucks cup in one meaty hand. She scowled at me “whats SHE doing here” she hissed at HandsomePlaid.

“Hammibal, I told you we would both be here to help you” he stated matter of factly.

“I don’t need HER help, she doesn’t know ANYTHING about fitness…clearly” she said gesturing to my body. Now, I may not be rippling muscle like my boyfriend, but I do consider myself a competent athlete, having run my first marathon at 19. I was a little insulted by her comment, and the way she so callously referred to my body.

“Hammibal, HandsomePlaid can start you off with some resistance training and then I can help you with cardio. That way you can-“

“Great! Lets go!” she interrupted me, grabbing my boyfriend with her chubby hands and pushing him through the turnstile. I sighed, so we wouldn’t be bonding over green tea anytime soon then.

I started up my run at an easy pace and watched the nightmare unfold in front of me. Many juiceheads in the weights section stopped and gaped as a wobbly mountain of flesh bounced over to them. Entranced by the beautiful muscled bodies around her, Hammibal ignored everything HandsomePlaid was trying to teach her. Instead she began a bizarre mating ritual to try and entice her newfound prey. At this point, all the admiration I had for her in coming to thy gym by herself and the delusions I had about her wanting to get fit melted away. I saw her true intentions, right there, from the comfort of my treadmill. She pranced and frolicked around, interrupting men’s workouts to “flirt” and giggle. She pushed up her boobs and posed “sexily” in front of the mirrors. All the while I’m trying not to let the laughter ruin my training session completely. At one point, I look over and she is stood on a box in front of the mirror, completely stationary, holding a 4lb dumbbell with her bum stuck in the air. Now, with the outfit she was wearing every meathead in the weights section could see all she had to offer. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

HandsomePlaid finally gave up and began his own workout before coming to join me on the treadmills. After a while I zoned out and forgot about Hammibal completely, that was until she walked directly in front of us. A loud slurping interrupted my thoughts.
She was holding an XL McBeetus soda cup and a king size snickers. “Hammibal! How did you get that in here!” I panted.

“I hid them in my sports bag, obviously” she guffawed. “That’s why you bring a bag to the gym. You need sugars! All this working out saps your energy and you need to replenish it, to feed your muscles! God, no wonder you’re so anorexic RunnerBean” she guzzled. I rolled my eyes, too many miles into my workout to care about anything she said. I was concentrating on trying to make sure my lungs didn’t explode.

HandsomePlaid is new to running, but as he runs for comparatively shorter distance than me he really pushes himself to keep pace when we do cardio together. He constantly looks over at me to copy my changing speeds. After noticing HandsomePlaid watching me, Hammibal clearly decides that this running thing can’t be that hard. She sets down her now empty cup and hops onto the treadmill; next to me. At this moment, I am entering my fastest leg and bounce my speed up to 9mph for the remaining mile. HandsomePlaid gives me weary look and does the same. Hammibal eyes my speed and immediately sets the machine to quickstart 9mph. I glance over and manage to gasp out to her that this is my fastest pace and that she should start slow. She scoffs and says something along the lines of her having “much muscles” so she will be fine. The belt speeds up and she impressively clings on, the machine thuds and she begins gasping for air. One flab bouncing minute later and she hits the emergency stop button, tumbling off the machine and into a heap.

I immediately jump off to check she’s okay. I approach the trembling pile of lard as she wobbles to her feet. “I’m gasp fine gasp just gasp -“ before she even finishes her sentence a fountain of brown sugary goop rockets out of her mouth and all over the cardio equipment. “Eurgh” she groans, I try to support her but she falls to her knees and vomits again. This time, all over herself. I can see and smell the hotdogs she must have had for lunch, I gag. HandsomePlaid jumps off the treadmill and helps me haul her to her feet. One of the gym employees is over in an instant. We apologise profusely, he holds up a mop with a thousand-yard stare. Hammibal says nothing as we practically drag her to the car, vomiting all the way.

She is silent as we drive her home. I ask her if she’s okay as we pull up to her house, “I knew it wasn’t healthy to exert yourself like that! I really hope I’ve not done any long-term damage” she bawled “I’m never doing that again!” and with that final word, she stomped towards the house in a tantrum. I was completely stunned watching her wobble away in that hideous soiled outfit.

HandsomePlaid turned to me and cracked a toothy smile,

“So, will I tell her same time tomorrow then?”

TL;DR Ham enacts bizarre mating ritual in sacred temple of fitness, attempts cardio valiantly before vomiting her sneaky McBeetus all over herself.

Zelder posted:

This lady has a lot of hate in her heart

Furia posted:

I appreciate your efforts but think you might need to take a little break

Aleph Null posted:

How much of the hatred in those reddit posts to you think is self-hatred? It makes me sad to read them.

ReidRansom posted:

They all sound like they're written by ex-fats. Or still kinda fats but not super duper fats like those gross fats.

Dejawesp posted:

I'm not sure what the greater idea behind this post is. Trying to split the feminist movement into smaller pieces and stir conflict between them and the trans community?

Dejawesp posted:

I'm not sure what the greater idea behind this post is. Trying to split the feminist movement into smaller pieces and stir conflict between them and the trans community?

Thursday Next posted:

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

TERFs are bad and exist, I'm afraid.

Dejawesp posted:

I know they do exist but I heard their prominence was greatly exaggerated by third parties.

Thursday Next posted:

Not a single god damned word - not one word of this story happened in any way approaching reality. How loving empty does your life have to be that you fantasize about defending your boyfriend's honor with flapjacks? And I love the little throwaway bit about how these flapjacks are healthy (because almond flour?), so you can eat as much as you like. That's... that's "fat logic".

That's textbook fat logic; the idea that something is "healthy", so you can gorge yourself on it. The whole sub is designed around mocking that attitude, supposedly. These paragons of health never give in to fat logic themselves, they exist to seek it out and drag it into the light wherever it crouches. Fat people are fat because of fat logic. And yet, our intrepid heroine is herself espousing the very thing the subreddit claims to hate.

DigitalRaven posted:

Problem is, what a lot of (older) people think of as "prominent feminists", like Janice Raymond, Sheila Jeffreys, and Germaine Greer, are all TERFs so they have more media exposure than their views deserve.

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

Basically. A lot of feminists known by name as loud angry feminist types are TERFs because, heck, that's what was in vogue at the time.

Some people use TWEF instead for trans women exclusionary feminist, because 1) not all radical feminists are TERFs and not all "TERFs" are radical feminists and 2) they kind of "accept" trans men. In kind of the same way Rapture fundies "accept" Jewish people, in that they need them to be around being Jewish to fulfill their prophecy, but wouldn't it be nice if they could be good Christians, what a shame we don't live in an ideal world like that Similarly some TERFs accept the existence of trans men because they see it as getting women into men's places and roles and, basically, they don't see trans men as men. But a lot of trans men have faced rejection and ostracism from friends and family so the "acceptance" of a TERF may be just enough to get by

Comptroll The Forums posted:

No its healthy, she made it with like oats and almonds. Didn't you read?

ReidRansom posted:

They all sound like they're written by ex-fats. Or still kinda fats but not super duper fats like those gross fats.

YA BOY ETHAN COUCH posted:

Looks like we got ourselves a TERF war

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

2) they kind of "accept" trans men. In kind of the same way Rapture fundies "accept" Jewish people, in that they need them to be around being Jewish to fulfill their prophecy, but wouldn't it be nice if they could be good Christians, what a shame we don't live in an ideal world like that Similarly some TERFs accept the existence of trans men because they see it as getting women into men's places and roles and, basically, they don't see trans men as men. But a lot of trans men have faced rejection and ostracism from friends and family so the "acceptance" of a TERF may be just enough to get by

tyblazitar posted:

One of my best friends is a trans man with a mom who at least at the time of his coming out was a full-out TERF, and this was definitely not true for her at least. She told him that trans men were "traitors abandoning their fellow women to get male privilege", which I guess fits with some of what you said, but "accepting" is not the term I'd use. In my experience, most TERFs don't believe in any way that being transgender is a legit thing, but something that people just do for whatever nefarious or disturbed reasons which should definitely not be encouraged.

quote:

One time I was fursuiting at Aquatifur when I overheard one of the non-furry normies at the hotel say to her friend: "Wow, look at those furry freaks! They're such weirdos!" They both giggled, mocking us.
At that moment, I knew what I had to do. With a confident stride, I approached the tiny-brained critic and took off my fursuit head.
"Just so you know, I watch Rick and Morty."
Everyone around me went silent. The girl and her friend instantly fell over from the shock of hearing those words. When she finally found her voice, my critic was stammering. "W-what?! H-how do you watch that?!? T-the depth of nihilist philosophy and quantum physics in that show are too hard to understand for even the most br-brilliant scientists of our time! H-how are you so brilliant?!?!?"
I wasn't sure how cruel I wanted to be to them at first, they had obviously been punished enough at that point, but these two had insulted the honor of furries and their entire fandom. There was no way I could show them mercy after that...
A sly grin formed on my face as I hollered, "WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!" and waved my arms around.
Both girls instantly had seizures from the sheer intensity of my brilliance and superior humor. As I walked away triumphant, the crowd that had gathered parted around me as they showered me with their applause. Then a single fursuiter stepped out of the crowd and told me how much he respects me for my unparalleled brilliance. I asked him who he was, and he took off his fursuit head...
It was none other than Albert Einstein.

moerketid posted:

A friend forwarded this to me. Thought of you, thread.