Jokes that are good but you can't be bothered to develop a thread for

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vanisher

Petting friendly dogs, feeding them treats, and other scams

Just pet this dog, got to feed it a milk bone after asking permission. Its part of my 'long con' to be a nice person.

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Dec 6, 2017 22:54

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 27, 2024 06:47

vanisher

I carry around a tide pen and one of those travel Kleenex packets to be helpful to my friends, all part of my master plan.

# ? Dec 6, 2017 22:58

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Lying on my deathbed surrounded by friends and children, "You dumb idiots."

# ? Dec 7, 2017 00:52

sockingtonsworth

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Lying on my deathbed surrounded by friends and children, "You dumb idiots."

"Come child, get closer, you stupid stupid idiot"

# ? Dec 7, 2017 00:54

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Lying on my deathbed surrounded by friends and children, "You dumb idiots."

this rings a bell, I feel like we had this thread at some point years ago, something about the long con troll or something?

It could be done again, there's definitely a lot there, like:

Look at these imbeciles, handing me a watch for 25 years of faithful service. Stupid idiots never knew that I was conducting this train ironically... pfft

You know, like that, but funny too

# ? Dec 7, 2017 01:33

DragQueenofAngmar: You shall not pass!

vanisher posted:

Petting friendly dogs, feeding them treats, and other scams

Just pet this dog, got to feed it a milk bone after asking permission. Its part of my 'long con' to be a nice person.

# ? Dec 7, 2017 19:14

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

BYOB Tuffguys

DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? Cause this is more of a lark

I will come up there and I will kick your blues away.

# ? Dec 7, 2017 22:15

Koishi Komeiji

I'm the bad boy of byob, the bbbyob if you will. Yep, I just got done empty quoting a joke that wasn't even funny but I did it anyway cause I'm a bad rear end. Later on I think I might pm a mod with a message that just reads "lmbo" and then the body of the message says "lol mods are butts!". It's only a matter of time before a maniac like me gets a 6 hour probie. Thug life.

# ? Dec 7, 2017 23:31

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

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# ? Dec 8, 2017 00:05

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

Nosfereefer posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leL_bsHEZdM

# ? Dec 8, 2017 00:08

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

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# ? Dec 8, 2017 00:40

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

trying to be sexy but also trying to deal with my sick cat, jaspers.

I've got a fire going, a bearskin rug, and a tissue covering that grey pile.

Why don't we cuddle up on the couch tonight, baby. I'd like to spend some quiet time with you, me, a bottle of wine, and my 22 year old cat Jaspers.

I reach into the fridge and pull out chocolate covered strawberries, whipped cream, and a dripper of ear medicine.

# ? Dec 8, 2017 01:52

Farecoal: There he go

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

trying to be sexy but also trying to deal with my sick cat, jaspers.

I've got a fire going, a bearskin rug, and a tissue covering that grey pile.

Why don't we cuddle up on the couch tonight, baby. I'd like to spend some quiet time with you, me, a bottle of wine, and my 22 year old cat Jaspers.

I reach into the fridge and pull out chocolate covered strawberries, whipped cream, and a dripper of ear medicine.

That sounds like a good date :3:

# ? Dec 8, 2017 02:11

DragQueenofAngmar: You shall not pass!

later, u confuse urself and suddenly realize ur murmuring 'yeah open up, take it all bich' as u gently insert the FIV medicine dropper into ur significant others mouth

# ? Dec 8, 2017 03:14

Twenty Four

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Lying on my deathbed surrounded by friends and children, "You dumb idiots."

"Jimmy come closer." *Turns head, coughs, turns back, and whispers in Jimmy's ear* "You were always my least favorite son."

# ? Dec 8, 2017 07:30

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

I remember coming home from school every wednesday, getting a plate of corn snack, and settling in for some amazing cartoons. My mom let us watch whatever we wanted, so I'd get a brain full of Minerva, the Literacy Clam, Celibate Boy Squad, and Fr. Domingo Qwest: CyberJesuit. Man I think I still have my shard of the decalogacon somewhere around here...

# ? Dec 9, 2017 01:10

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Celibate Boy Squad was part of the original wave of Sinomation imports so all the dubs were terrible.

# ? Dec 9, 2017 01:15

Koishi Komeiji

Celibate Boy Squad sounds like a gang tag. Wanna join that gang.

# ? Dec 9, 2017 01:27

TheButtMAaster

when I was a kid I remember being told that fast food was bad for you and broccoli was good for you but i never understood what the speed of the food had to do with nutrition i mean what if u serve fast broccoli is that good for you or not

# ? Dec 10, 2017 07:07

DavidAlltheTime: All David...all the TIME!

The Broccoli Hut: home of 'The Stalker' $2.99 combo meal! Just ask Broccoli Brandon, and he'll tell you 'It's brocco-tastic!' Don't forget, the Broc-rib is back!

# ? Dec 10, 2017 10:20

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

Shake that brassica, baby

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Dec 10, 2017 10:27

Twenty Four

depends on how fast the broccoli is, probably bad for you if it is fast enough and you get hit with it

# ? Dec 10, 2017 12:37

alnilam

NEW Super FAST broccoli, guaranteed to be fully digested and outta there in under 5 minutes or your money back

# ? Dec 10, 2017 14:13

sockingtonsworth

Drake: American Sniper

# ? Dec 12, 2017 15:33

Macnult

sockingtonsworth posted:

Drake: American Sniper

you used to come to me for evac
thirteenhundred juuuuust ten klicks
calling you for evac
the enemy they seeee red mist

# ? Dec 13, 2017 05:16

blaise rascal: "Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Pearl...."

Considering the current trendiness and enormous versatility of cauliflower, I think a cleverly-implemented cauliflower-themed fast food restaurant could be successful

e: For reference: http://time.com/4845148/cauliflower-rice-menu/

ty vanisher, ty khanstant

# ? Dec 13, 2017 05:36

sockingtonsworth

Macnult posted:

you used to come to me for evac
thirteenhundred juuuuust ten klicks
calling you for evac
the enemy they seeee red mist

i am fuckin dead

# ? Dec 13, 2017 05:44

RazzleDazzleHour

Pokemon in Real Life, Except the Parts That Would Be Not Fun

Pokemon OSHA
"Alright, so you're looking to make a four-story dragon statue rise from beneath the gym floor, shoot flames everywhere, and then you want to have the Pokemon fight each other up there? I mean, sure, it's possible, but my major concern right now is wheelchair accessibility."

Going to Gym Battles
It's Wednesday night, and you and your co-workers have gotten tickets to the Gym Battle tonight, where some young upstart is gonna challenge the local gym leader. You've got your beer and your hotdogs, and you've got pretty good seats considering it's a full house. The challenger goes against the first gym trainer, and shows that he's got a Dark type, perfect for his eventual battle against Sabrina. He wins the first battle pretty easily, and then goes into the first teleporter and defeats the trainer behind that door, and the crowd's excitement builds. Then, he goes into another teleporter and gets sent back to the beginning. He retraces his steps, this time taking the second teleporter in the room, but gets sent to another room with another trainer battle. He goes back into the teleporter he just went into, thinking it will take him back, but he gets sent to an entirely different room, and looks around in a panic. He enters one of the four teleporters and gets sent back to the entrance again. Everyone in the crowd is booing and yelling directions, all conflicting with each other. The challenger teleports back and forth between room as everyone gets progressively more and more upset. Two hours have gone by and he still can't figure out the teleporter maze. Anyone who hasn't left is now drunkenly screaming at the arena.

Odd Age Discrepancies
Iris is the Gym Leader of the Dragon gym and she's twelve years old and works with ten-feet-tall earthquake-causing monsters and she rides on their backs as they fly in the air but I can't buy rubber cement from the local Costco without needing to show them my ID? It's bullshit, I'm telling you

# ? Dec 14, 2017 11:55

cda: by Hand Knit

Italian bread

# ? Dec 14, 2017 13:35

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

cda posted:

Italian bread

maybe too risqué

# ? Dec 14, 2017 13:51

alnilam

RazzleDazzleHour posted:

Pokemon in Real Life, Except the Parts That Would Be Not Fun

Pokemon OSHA
"Alright, so you're looking to make a four-story dragon statue rise from beneath the gym floor, shoot flames everywhere, and then you want to have the Pokemon fight each other up there? I mean, sure, it's possible, but my major concern right now is wheelchair accessibility."

Going to Gym Battles
It's Wednesday night, and you and your co-workers have gotten tickets to the Gym Battle tonight, where some young upstart is gonna challenge the local gym leader. You've got your beer and your hotdogs, and you've got pretty good seats considering it's a full house. The challenger goes against the first gym trainer, and shows that he's got a Dark type, perfect for his eventual battle against Sabrina. He wins the first battle pretty easily, and then goes into the first teleporter and defeats the trainer behind that door, and the crowd's excitement builds. Then, he goes into another teleporter and gets sent back to the beginning. He retraces his steps, this time taking the second teleporter in the room, but gets sent to another room with another trainer battle. He goes back into the teleporter he just went into, thinking it will take him back, but he gets sent to an entirely different room, and looks around in a panic. He enters one of the four teleporters and gets sent back to the entrance again. Everyone in the crowd is booing and yelling directions, all conflicting with each other. The challenger teleports back and forth between room as everyone gets progressively more and more upset. Two hours have gone by and he still can't figure out the teleporter maze. Anyone who hasn't left is now drunkenly screaming at the arena.

Odd Age Discrepancies
Iris is the Gym Leader of the Dragon gym and she's twelve years old and works with ten-feet-tall earthquake-causing monsters and she rides on their backs as they fly in the air but I can't buy rubber cement from the local Costco without needing to show them my ID? It's bullshit, I'm telling you

these are good

# ? Dec 14, 2017 14:08

wearing a lampshade

alnilam posted:

these are good

Yeah. Make that thread.

# ? Dec 14, 2017 16:57

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

cda posted:

Italian bread

eyy, I'm bakin' here

# ? Dec 14, 2017 18:03

alnilam

cda posted:

Italian bread

ironically enough, american "italian bread" looks and tastes more like it was made by an Entirely Non-Ethnic Character With No Identity of Any Kind and Nondescript Job

_{ty manifisto}

# ? Dec 14, 2017 18:26

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

alnilam posted:

ironically enough, american "italian bread" looks and tastes more like it was made by an Entirely Non-Ethnic Character With No Identity of Any Kind and Nondescript Job

i think this goes for a lot of "american style" food. maybe its because the english will just put salt on and deep fry anything and becasue of imperialism and cultural hegemony we associate this as "neutral" food?

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# ? Dec 14, 2017 19:09

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

"food" for thought

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# ? Dec 14, 2017 19:09

Manifisto

alnilam posted:

ironically enough, american "italian bread" looks and tastes more like it was made by an Entirely Non-Ethnic Character With No Identity of Any Kind and Nondescript Job

have you ever had tuscan bread? there is a style there made without salt. it is almost literally tasteless, just a textured thing to put in your mouth to deliver whatever toppings/sauces it accompanies.

it is weird.

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Dec 14, 2017 20:44

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

A loaf of prime matter. Mere being, no properties.

# ? Dec 14, 2017 21:15

Robot Made of Meat

Manifisto posted:

have you ever had tuscan bread? there is a style there made without salt. it is almost literally tasteless, just a textured thing to put in your mouth to deliver whatever toppings/sauces it accompanies.

it is weird.