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alwayslost posted:So goons, I ask ye, am I doing the right thing by letting this go, or should I go alpha male and tell her to get back on that loving horse and get it done? We have 4 children: one was breastfed until 13 months one was breastfed for 4 months then supplemented for a month then just formula until 12 months the other two are foster children taken home from the hospital and never had breastmilk (their moms tested positive for meth at birth, so they obviously couldn't nurse) All are happy, healthy, developmentally similar and there is no way you could tell who was given formula vs breastmilk as an infant. Give the woman some breathing room, don't make her feel guilty her body and/or her baby aren't working "correctly" or something, and go buy some goddamn formula.
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Feb 10, 2018 08:20
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My wife really struggled with feeding our first, but she persevered and fed till 9 months. She’d say she was glad she persevered. It’s hard especially when the baby doesn’t latch, and you’ve in the ward opposite the earth mother who’s baby latches straight away on her udders. But as we later found out, the baby was constantly latching because she actually wasn’t sucking. We supplemented to begin with until she actually latched and we knew she was feeding. It’s really hard, even more so on your wife. Your role is to encourage. You’re doing fine because you’re asking questions. It shows you care.
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Feb 10, 2018 09:03
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Support her with her decisions. Breastfeeding is super hard and while it’s th best thing to do, it’s not if it makes you stressed out and angry and tired and such.
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Feb 10, 2018 14:15
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One surefire way of making breastfeeding a horrible experience for all involved is pressuring her into it or constantly harping on her to eat fenugreek. If you find yourself saying "should I go alpha male and ______", in any situation, the answer is no. Especially with regard to parenting and ESPECIALLY within two weeks of birth. Like Daniel Tiger says "even though breast is best, give the nagging a loving rest"
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Feb 10, 2018 15:40
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Never go “alpha male”. In addition to the term coming from scientific research even the original researcher has repeatedly explained as incorrect and heavily rescinded, it also tends to refer to toxic masculine behavior that ultimately demeans women and drives men to higher rates of suicide and domestic violence. Breastfeeding is between the woman and the baby. Don’t get involved, don’t interfere, don’t do any pressuring bullshit. Just listen, and ask “how can I help?” (and then doing that thing).
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Feb 10, 2018 16:10
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Thanks for the reality check. I apologized to her and told her she was doing an incredible job and I won't be bothering her about it any more. On to better parenting!
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Feb 10, 2018 16:20
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Jesus Christ. Just support your wife in whatever she wants. I'm surprised she hasn't killed you. sheri fucked around with this message at 16:36 on Feb 10, 2018 |
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Feb 10, 2018 16:33
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Yeah, Jesus Christ. If my husband went "alpha male" on me 2 weeks post birth when I was majorly struggling with breast feeding and just trying to do my loving best all while dealing with the lovely post-birth hormone crash and adjustment, I most likely would have taken the baby and left, or possibly killed myself.
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Feb 10, 2018 16:44
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That alpha male comment was horrifying, gently caress you. Fuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuu. You’re welcome for the reality check you obviously so sorely needed.
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Feb 10, 2018 16:53
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What exactly entails going “alpha male” in this situation
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Feb 10, 2018 16:54
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Well you sound like a joy to live with. Fed is best.
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Feb 10, 2018 17:26
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After spending 6 hours in a breastfeeding class yesterday I am definitely startled by y'all's response to that poor guy. It was repeatedly drilled into our heads that advice like "just let her rest!" sounded good but rarely actually helped matters. Breastfeeding is about momentum and finding a pattern that works best for you and baby. Introducing a bottle this early could perhaps be part of the problem if your baby learned that "chewing" on a bottle produces milk whereas that definitely won't work on mom Regardless, let's all take a loving chill pill and recognize that the stresses and sleep deprivation of a 2 week old that's affecting mom is also affecting dad. You ever been a passenger in a car when someone is driving in a dangerous road or situation? You get all the stress of a situation without any of the ability to control or shape its outcome. It sucks.
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Feb 10, 2018 17:51
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Maybe he wouldn't get roasted if he didn't say he needs advice on how to teach his wife how to overcome disappointment. God I'm glad I had kids with an actual partner instead of some of you goons.
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Feb 10, 2018 18:04
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People can be really weird about breastfeeding, and I'm not even talking about the prudes who make a big deal about breastfeeding in public. In contrast, it seems like the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction in some communities, where there is so much pressure to breastfeed that all the potential benefits it might have get eclipsed by all the stress, pain, and aggrivation trying to make it work when it might just not be feasible. And while people always go on about all the practical benefits of breastfeeding, its like talking about the advantages of formula bottle feeding gets dismissed as neglectful or lazy in contrast. Women's bodies go through a lot in childbirth and no birth is alike. Some women are doing crossfit six hours after giving birth, some don't leave the hospital for a month after their child is born. If mom already has a lot on her plate, why stress her out even more? Its her body, after all.
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Feb 10, 2018 18:11
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WarpDogs posted:After spending 6 hours in a breastfeeding class yesterday I am definitely startled by y'all's response to that poor guy. It was repeatedly drilled into our heads that advice like "just let her rest!" sounded good but rarely actually helped matters. Breastfeeding is about momentum and finding a pattern that works best for you and baby. Introducing a bottle this early could perhaps be part of the problem if your baby learned that "chewing" on a bottle produces milk whereas that definitely won't work on mom Ah yes six hours in a class makes you an expert. Come on. I've nursed a baby for more than a year. The people responding in ways you find surprising are probably all women how have actually birthed and fed babies and know how hard and exhausting the first few months are and if we had partners trying to "alpha male" us into using our bodies to do things we aren't interested or able to do...well, mine would have been kicked out. Your partner who just grew and birthed a human needs support, not pressure. It's fair game to ask her what support she needs but don't assume you know best. And once you control for SES and wealth the benefits of breastfeeding are non-existent.
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Feb 10, 2018 18:16
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Y'all's reaction to that alpha male comment is how I feel when someone talks about how co-sleeping is great.
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Feb 10, 2018 18:17
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hepscat posted:God I'm glad I had kids with an actual partner instead of some of you goons. I married a goon and had babies with her.  Goonbabies even.
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Feb 10, 2018 18:24
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Wow you guys are intense. The guy apologized and recognizes what he did was lovely. He probably learned something that will help his relationship and general parenting ability. Parenting is rough and learning how to work as a team is hard for some people. Some people end up believing that not breastfeeding is going to ruin their baby which makes matter worst because you feel like you NEED to do it or else... If he didn't get how dumb he was I'd get it, but he asked for advice and used the advice to change his behaviour. We should encourage that
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Feb 10, 2018 18:25
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alwayslost posted:Thanks for the reality check. I apologized to her and told her she was doing an incredible job and I won't be bothering her about it any more. Okay, so everybody has already (rightly) taken you to task for this but I just want to take a minute to say: It sounds like you are on track to gently caress This Up (TM). Your job is to support your wife and her decisions as best as possible - not to drag her into doing what you think is "best" or "optimal." A baby is not a PC that you need to overclock, or a character that you are trying to min/max. If the baby is fed, gets sleep, and is loved, they will be Fine. If your wife is feeling like she wants to breastfeed because it's important to HER, then you can support that. NOT by forcing fenugreek down her throat or mansplaining how to breastfeed. Maybe, look up a regarded lactation consultant in your area and set up an appointment? If YOU think it's important for the baby to be breastfed, tough poo poo. First off, it's fine, and second off, it's not your call. The fact that you were even considering trying to "alpha male" her into "sucking it up" and breastfeeding, coupled with the fact that you are monitoring her pumping and behaviors is a red flag about all the other areas of support that you should be providing. Are you really putting your wife and her preferences and needs first? You should probably spend some time investigating that. I totally get that this is a fraught time, and that everything is scary and confusing and there is a LOT of societal pressure to do things like breastfeed. But you really need to focus on your wife and her feelings. A fed baby is what matters, whether by breast, expressed milk, or formula. Your wife is dealing with the exhaustion of physically having a baby, the lack of sleep that comes with a new baby, insane hormone poo poo that we as men are never going to fully comprehend, and all of the gross social pressure that is put one women in our society that makes them feel like poo poo if things don't go exactly the way that they are "supposed" to. It's not your job to try and get her to do anything other than take care of herself. It's really good that you apologized - people gently caress up during this time. I hosed up during this time too! It will get easier for both of you. But the best way forward is going to be to make sure that you're actively hearing and respecting your wife's preferences at this time. It sucks to get called a shithead by a bunch of people on the internet (and I'm sure you are exhausted and didn't express yourself the way you meant to) but this is a good opportunity to re-examine your priorities and take a breath, and re-focus on what's actually important.
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Feb 10, 2018 18:31
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WarpDogs posted:After spending 6 hours in a breastfeeding class yesterday I am definitely startled by y'all's response to that poor guy. It was repeatedly drilled into our heads that advice like "just let her rest!" sounded good but rarely actually helped matters. Breastfeeding is about momentum and finding a pattern that works best for you and baby. Introducing a bottle this early could perhaps be part of the problem if your baby learned that "chewing" on a bottle produces milk whereas that definitely won't work on mom Thank you professor for mansplaining breastfeeding after your six hour class (  ) to several breastfeeding women.People are bent out of shape because the whole notion of “going alpha male” is loving scary to read. And oh boo boo, all the stress without the ability to shape the outcome? A woman’s hormones after birth take away that ability, there is no describing how wildly difficult it is to navigate those first few weeks when your body is in such disarray, so you as well can kindly gently caress off.
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Feb 10, 2018 19:44
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So, is there a list to sign up to beat this dead horse or should I just jump in?
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Feb 10, 2018 19:54
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54 40 or gently caress posted:A woman’s hormones after birth take away that ability, there is no describing how wildly difficult it is to navigate those first few weeks when your body is in such disarray For me this was the biggest thing I wasn't prepared for. I feel like this is under-emphasized to women. You get the impression you're either in post-birth bliss and everything is flowers now that you have your baby or you go crazy and drown your kids in a bathtub.
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Feb 10, 2018 19:56
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Alterian posted:For me this was the biggest thing I wasn't prepared for. I feel like this is under-emphasized to women. You get the impression you're either in post-birth bliss and everything is flowers now that you have your baby or you go crazy and drown your kids in a bathtub. loving this. Those first weeks are crazy. I had it much worse with my first than my second, thankfully. I will never forget being in bed while my husband had our ~10 day old and being unable to sleep because I was too busy sobbing about not being pregnant anymore. Nevermind that I had hyperemesis and didn't even enjoy being pregnant, that I had a birth that went pretty much as expected, and a wonderful little girl and a supportive husband and breastfeeding seemed to work. Sobbing. Those hormones are beyond anything.
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Feb 10, 2018 20:30
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Alterian posted:For me this was the biggest thing I wasn't prepared for. I feel like this is under-emphasized to women. You get the impression you're either in post-birth bliss and everything is flowers now that you have your baby or you go crazy and drown your kids in a bathtub. This is so very true. I had an abnormally easy transition from being pregnant to ahhh there's a baby how does it eat, and I would not dream to tell anyone how they should handle their first few postnatal weeks because literally no one has a similar experience. I can get guideposts and general ideas from The Internet but there is no way that it substitutes for finding the right rhythm with my spouse and my medical providers. If someone had tried to alpha male me in that phase, I would have loaded up on the painkillers for my torn jaaj and two hours later, when I could walk without being in pain, would have stabbed a bitch in the face with anything at hand.
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Feb 10, 2018 20:32
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DangerZoneDelux posted:Y'all's reaction to that alpha male comment is how I feel when someone talks about how co-sleeping is great. Co-sleeping was pretty great for us.
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Feb 10, 2018 20:34
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There is one thing I regret not outright forcing my wife to do after our kid was born, something that would have been very hard during a very hard time and she probably would have hated me for a while. But i wish I had absolutely forced her, to the fullest extent I was able, to keep seeing therapists until she found one she liked and otherwise committed to getting treatment for her post partum and post surgical depression. Its no loving joke and unlike breastfeeding would have made a collosal positive difference in the lives of all three of us. Ceding to her expressed desires and wishes and simply supporting what she wanted in this area was a collosal mistake because was not in a state where she could reliably work in her own best interests. Feel free to slam me for that or whatever if you want but I wish to hell I had forced the issue.
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Feb 10, 2018 23:06
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DangerZoneDelux posted:Y'all's reaction to that alpha male comment is how I feel when someone talks about how co-sleeping is great. Co-sleeping saved my sanity & made it possible for me to be a functioning member of society. When I went back to work my son reverse cycled & nursed all night long. He did this until he was a year old & even then would still nurse a couple times at night.
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Feb 11, 2018 00:30
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There's a big difference between a PPD/PPA plan that involves frog marching to the doctor if you're not recognising you fit the bill and forcing breastfeeding when there have been issues with breastfeeding and also the kid is 2 weeks old. You're not a dried up old maid. There's time to settle, see a LC, rebuild supply in a healthy and positive way. But enough about the dead horse. I did a lot of crazy Perfect Baby poo poo in those early days, also about pumping, which I loving hated and refuse to do now as a result. It was originally due to late milk, then oversupply, then once we were exclusively bf I copped pressure from Dad to let him help with feeding with pumped milk or formula (because you can't win when it comes to the perfect parenting!) Just relax a bit and enjoy your baby.
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Feb 11, 2018 00:35
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alwayslost posted:So goons, I ask ye, am I doing the right thing by letting this go, or should I go alpha male and tell her to get back on that loving horse and get it done? My baby is three months old, his mom struggled with the latching issue. So we resorted to pumping- but she was only able to make pump 2-3oz at a time and he was eating 5oz per feeding. Wife was tired, destroyed, and not doing well because she felt like a terrible mother. I pushed her onto formula against her wants because I couldn’t stand her breaking down crying in a mixture of fatigue and frustration. She sleeps now. And he is happy. Ain’t worth the pain and heartbreak imo if it’s not working out naturally.
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Feb 12, 2018 21:40
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Hi goons, how's paren.... 
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Feb 12, 2018 22:15
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There are few things as joyful as knowing you're done with having kids, so as your youngest keeps passing milestones, you can finally find someone else about to have a kid and start getting rid of all that baby poo poo you've been keeping around since you got it from someone else doing the same thing while you were expecting your first child... We finally got rid of that loving swing. 
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Feb 12, 2018 23:51
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my daughter wants to know if the rainbow king is a wish please revert with this important data
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Feb 13, 2018 01:07
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Axiem posted:We finally got rid of that loving swing. loving amen, x2. Granted we borrowed one from some friends but still, two goddamn swings takes up a lot of space. No more jumparoo or any crap like that, it’s almost like we have our living room back! Hahaha who am I kidding there’s still baby toys everywhere.
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Feb 13, 2018 01:45
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I just got rid of my giant exersaucer so I feel that relief
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Feb 13, 2018 02:29
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lol pregnant with the fourth. May the fourth be with us, etc
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Feb 13, 2018 07:47
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About a year and a half ago we went from a 2000 sqft house to a 1500sqft apartment so I got rid of a lot of baby stuff. I kept a few essentials just in case but I was starting to come to terms with the fact we probably wouldn't be having another one. Now I'm 14 weeks pregnant. Woops! Thankfully there's a really good second hand baby store in town. The only expensive thing I plan to buy new is a car seat. I did keep our Arms Reach crib, but I got rid of a lot of things like our swing (that our first kid refused to use anyway), playpen, exersaucer, etc.
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Feb 13, 2018 11:44
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If anyone else has a small baby with insatiable curiosity, you need to get one of these: http://happygreylucky.com/ikea-hack-toddler-learning-tower-stool/ We had the components on hand and my husband built the thing on the weekend. Now everything is so much better because my 9 month old doesn't get left AN ETERNITY AWAY ON THE PLAYMAT whenever I need to go do something in the kitchen. The downside is I now have to babyproof the kitchen significantly earlier than planned. But I'd much rather deal with the inconvenience of rearranging everything compared with the heartrending cries of a betrayed baby who is only just starting to crawl/pull up/cruise and has been "left behind".
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Feb 13, 2018 12:02
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that older kid in the article is going to flip right over backwards and smash her head on the ground
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Feb 13, 2018 22:04
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I love our combination stool/table/chair/highchair recombinable thing but it all snaps together in a very sturdy way when you reconfigure it. My son would have hated these because there's no way he can carry them around.
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Feb 13, 2018 22:37
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Levitate posted:that older kid in the article is going to flip right over backwards and smash her head on the ground She looks like she's old enough not to fall backward on a stool. I've been wanting to make one of these for a while but the closest Ikea is a bit far.
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Feb 13, 2018 23:12
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