PYF Funny Forum Quotes: If I remember right he was also a pedophile

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF Funny Forum Quotes: If I remember right he was also a pedophile

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Trig Discipline: Jun 3, 2008; Please leave the room if you think this might offend you.; Grimey Drawer

Cicadas! posted:

At least he's learning about it from helpful goons and not from that horrible supernatural tumblr poo poo.

You all really shouldn't be chomping at the bit to explain the mechanisms of dog weiner to someone in the first place, but still.

Chomping at the bit is horsefucking, not dogfucking

Bobby Digital posted:

I vaguely remember hearing a podcast episode where the hosts and their guess discussed a species of fish that did this is also hermaphroditic so either could get pregnant.

As you say that's actually flatworms but I'm going to use this is as a flimsy excuse to talk about fish loving. Fun fact: a whole bunch of reef fish are sequential hermaphrodites, so they're one sex when they're small and another once they get big enough to defend a territory. Which sex comes first varies by group of fish; some are protogynous (female first) while others are protandrous (male first). And that only scratches the surface of how weird fish loving can get, because in some of those species that are protogynous there actually are some individuals that are male first but LOOK like females, and sneak in a little jizz around the edges by pretending to be female but mating with the actual females when the big territorial males aren't looking. And what's even weirder is that some of those species don't even have genetic sex determination; even when they first metamorphose from larvae into juvenile fish they're sorta looking around at the local opportunities and deciding whether they're better off being male or female.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 06:37

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# ? Jun 5, 2024 17:00

Syd Midnight: Sep 23, 2005

Trig Discipline posted:

there actually are some individuals that are male first but LOOK like females, and sneak in a little jizz around the edges by pretending to be female but mating with the actual females when the big territorial males aren't looking.

I used to do that when I was younger and better looking

# ? Apr 1, 2018 07:01

Happy Thread: Jul 10, 2005; by Fluffdaddy; Plaster Town Cop

Slipper limpets mate in the ocean as a big stack of shells. The first one to settle down in the dirt turns female. Others that get attracted climb on and become male. They each reach down to the female with long tendril pensises. If the original female dies, the next one up in the stack takes over and becomes female. Eventually the pile has several females but they're always at the bottom of the stack.

Weird sex poo poo is the norm in the animal kingdom. Conservatives should consider it a miracle that our species is as vanilla as it is.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 07:47

Trig Discipline: Jun 3, 2008; Please leave the room if you think this might offend you.; Grimey Drawer

Sea hares have male genitalia at one end of their bodies and female genitalia at the other, and will gently caress in long chains or rings.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFAdts1xUMc

Ain't no party like a sea hare party.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 07:52

Ichabod Sexbeast: Dec 5, 2011; Giving 'em the old razzle-dazzle

Inescapable Duck posted:

Don't snails do this too?

That's more of a mexican standoff

# ? Apr 1, 2018 08:00

ToxicSlurpee: Nov 5, 2003; -=SEND HELP=-; Pillbug

Then you get into weird things like anglerfish. The male anglerfish practically doesn't exist. He's tiny as hell and can't survive on his own for long. So he attaches to the female anglerfish and becomes a parasite. Over time he gets absorbed until basically only his sex organs remain.

Oh, and a female anglerfish doesn't necessarily only have one male attached.

Then there are seahorses. The males carry the babies. The males have a pouch that the eggs get dumped in that they then inseminate. Then some time later the male has this pouch full of baby seahorses that he just kind of sprays everywhere.

Sexual reproduction is weird.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 09:08

doverhog: May 31, 2013; Defender of democracy and human rights 🇺🇦

With humans it isn't just the actual reproduction part that is weird about sex. Just go take a look at GBS or EN, or hell, all of human history.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 09:13

Trig Discipline: Jun 3, 2008; Please leave the room if you think this might offend you.; Grimey Drawer

doverhog posted:

With humans it isn't just the actual reproduction part that is weird about sex. Just go take a look at GBS or EN, or hell, all of human history.

I get what you're trying to say but on the other hand here's my cat loving a stuffed squid on top of a plate of catnip.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 09:17

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Plus we give birth to offspring about as featured as early access steam releases

Karate Bastard has a new favorite as of 09:39 on Apr 1, 2018

# ? Apr 1, 2018 09:33

Pirate Radar: Apr 18, 2008; You're not my Ruthie!
You're not my Debbie!
You're not my Sherry!

Ichabod Sexbeast posted:

That's more of a mexican standoff

Or as Turbo fluctuosa calls it, a standoff.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 09:35

cock hero flux: Apr 17, 2011

Karate Bastard posted:

Plus we give birth to offspring about as featured as early access steam releases

the human baby has managed to hit the perfect sweet spot where it absolutely cannot fend for itself in any way and is wholly dependent on its parents for survival, but possesses just enough mobility to kill itself the instant it is left unattended

# ? Apr 1, 2018 09:43

doverhog: May 31, 2013; Defender of democracy and human rights 🇺🇦

Trig Discipline posted:

I get what you're trying to say but on the other hand here's my cat loving a stuffed squid on top of a plate of catnip.

He looks like a cat I used to know, now dead RIP. He was a cool beautiful cat, but also kind of a dick.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 09:57

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Trig Discipline posted:

I get what you're trying to say but on the other hand here's my cat loving a stuffed squid on top of a plate of catnip.

Look man it's not like Judd has much of a dating pool to pick from

# ? Apr 1, 2018 10:24

ToxicSlurpee: Nov 5, 2003; -=SEND HELP=-; Pillbug

cock hero flux posted:

the human baby has managed to hit the perfect sweet spot where it absolutely cannot fend for itself in any way and is wholly dependent on its parents for survival, but possesses just enough mobility to kill itself the instant it is left unattended

Not to mention they become curious long before they realize that actions have consequences.

Hey, I wonder what's outside this window! I know, I'll just crawl out of it and find out.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 10:27

AMISH FRIED PIES: Mar 6, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

ToxicSlurpee posted:

Not to mention they become curious long before they realize that actions have consequences.

Hey, I wonder what's outside this window! I know, I'll just crawl out of it and find out.

maybe it was chasing after grammy awards?

# ? Apr 1, 2018 11:02

Gatekeeper: Aug 3, 2003; He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.

Trig Discipline posted:

I get what you're trying to say but on the other hand here's my cat loving a stuffed squid on top of a plate of catnip.

life, uh, finds a way

# ? Apr 1, 2018 11:44

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Gatekeeper posted:

for the past two weeks my mom has been saying "keep easter Sunday free, the family talked it over and decided you're welcome to come and spend time with us and be part of the family again this Easter."

yesterday she called me and asked if I was excited about being able to spend easter with the family this year. "yes," I told her, choking back tears, "god, yes. it means so much to me"

she said "oh do me a favor, look at your calendar real quick. whats the date on easter again?"

I said. "its April 1st. oh wow, haha, its april fool's... easter is on April fool's..."

"show your ugly mug at my house tomorrow and I'm calling the loving cops, you gullible retard. enjoy microwaving off-brand pizza rolls with your dog tomorrow, fuckface. happy Easter." and she hung up.

she got me good, as usual! she's a regular Ashton kutcher, man lol

# ? Apr 1, 2018 13:45

Choco1980: Feb 22, 2013; I fell in love with a Video Nasty

Karate Bastard posted:

Plus we give birth to offspring about as featured as early access steam releases

One of the new parent education videos the hospital made us watch when my son was born posited the idea that, like marsupials, human babies have a "fourth trimester" following physical birth where they're still not ready to do a drat thing but eat and sleep and poop. It checks out if you think about it.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 17:17

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

Ride The Gravitron posted:

Easter story

Hey now, who said you could go around posting funny quotes in the funny quotes thread? :mad:

# ? Apr 1, 2018 17:47

InequalityGodzilla: May 31, 2012

Could I request a link to the EMT/ER room thread where a man caring for his dementia-ridden mother suffered a stroke, fell into his open refrigerator and then uhhh.... other things happened that might be too gruesome for this thread? I want to disgust my newly minted ER nurse aunt.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 21:55

Artemis J Brassnuts: Jan 2, 2009; I regret😢 to inform📢 I am the most sexually🍆 vanilla 🍦straight 📏 dude😰 on the planet🌎

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3469571

I don't have a direct link to the post, but filter by Elise's posts and you should find it soon enough (along with a ton of other hilarious stuff)

# ? Apr 1, 2018 22:29

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

InequalityGodzilla posted:

Could I request a link to the EMT/ER room thread where a man caring for his dementia-ridden mother suffered a stroke, fell into his open refrigerator and then uhhh.... other things happened that might be too gruesome for this thread? I want to disgust my newly minted ER nurse aunt.

Artemis J Brassnuts posted:

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3469571

I don't have a direct link to the post, but filter by Elise's posts and you should find it soon enough (along with a ton of other hilarious stuff)

Definitely worth clicking that link, but since I'm bored and got naught else to do, here's the post you requested. Warning for the squeamish: it is :nms:

elise the great posted:

I've been putting this story off for a while. First off, I promised everybody ~gross pictures~ and this post does not contain gross pictures. Besides, after the poo poo that I'm about to tell you guys, it's hard to get excited about a blurry phone shot of a cholecystectomy with abscess.

Sunday night, late, the ER called up with something unusual. A mother-son duo, found down, she headed for the SCU and he for the ICU. "Sorry," said the ER nurse. "It's pretty bad."

This, coming from an ER nurse, had us all suspecting the worst. We were absolutely not loving prepared in any way.

Our tiniest, sweetest nurse, she of the blonde hair and freckles, took the ICU admit. The guy was in his fifties, with a core temp of 29.5, horrific rhabdomyolysis (muscle breakdown from protracted flaccidity, which clogs up the kidneys and organs with toxins), and "areas of skin breakdown."

He was rotten. There's basically no other way to put it. Sheets and chunks of skin and underlying tissue on his ice-cold arms and legs, and even a pretty good swath on his flank, all rotten and gray and falling to bits. "Uh," said the noc doc, "make sure you don't warm him up too fast. We don't want that poo poo hitting his core too fast."

The frantic search for family began. Fortunately, as his nurse and I worked to clean and salvage and semi-stabilize his rapidly dying body, they found the family pretty quick-- turns out they'd been the ones to make the welfare check call.

As we poured bottles of saline rinse over his wounds and pounded him with huge boluses of insulin/dextrose/bicarbonate to control his soaring potassium, the doctor pieced together the story: the man lived with his aging, profoundly Alzheimers-ridden mother, her sole and dedicated caretaker, and the rest of the family lived out of state and called in every Sunday to make sure everything was all right. Last Sunday everything was fine; this Sunday nobody answered the phone, so they called the neighbors, and when the neighbors reported a cold dark locked house they called the police.

It seemed, from the EMT report and the family's schedule, that he had fallen some time last Sunday or Monday night, possibly from a stroke, and lain in the kitchen floor with his arm still in the open fridge ever since. His muscles began to rot, and fouled up his kidneys.

His mother, confused and demented, apparently managed to feed and water herself for at least a couple more days, judging from her relative condition. She seems to have been up and moving, walking from her bedroom to the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water and having a bite of toast, a few feet of linoleum from her dying immobile son. She likely didn't even recognize that he was a person.

After a few days, though, perhaps Wednesday or Thursday, the smell of his feces and rotting flesh had apparently begun to bother her, and she'd tried to move him. Weak with inadequate food and advanced age, however, she'd slipped, fallen, broken her hip and femur, and lain atop his cold, still-breathing body for days.

Days.

The doctor tried to explain code status to them, and how he would likely not survive CPR. Meanwhile, his nurse and I discovered that he still withdrew slightly to noxious stimulus-- a sternal rub got us a grimace, a hard fingernail-pinch warranted a twitch of the fingers.

He was, somehow, faintly awake.

The family agreed quickly to a status change, and the doctor began gently suggesting a withdrawal of life support, to shift from life-saving to comfort care. As he broached the topic, our patient started to drop into little spurts of V-tach, showing that our life-saving efforts were far too little, far too late.

So we dosed him with fentanyl and versed and switched our focus to postmortem care, wrapping wounds and washing the body. Death might be inevitable, but there are other duties to the dead.

On closer inspection, we found worse things. The wounds on his legs were not intact, not merely rotted. Several colors of short hairs were embedded in the flesh, and weird ragged marks were scored into the skin around the wound. Yes, our mother-son duo kept cats, and after a few days without food, the cats had turned to the closest source of protein.

They had been eating him. For days, probably. Chunks of his legs were simply missing. There was a pretty good section gnawed on his flank around the rotten patch there, which (upon closer inspection) sloughed off like wet pastry from a gooey filling, revealing the yellow bubbles of internal fat... with fang-marks.

The family understood. Mourning, they chose to let him go, and we raised his dose of fentanyl and versed and pulled the breathing tube out.

Next door, his mother lay in her bed, awaiting surgical repair of her injuries, convinced she was in a hotel and asking everyone for snacks. She is, to the best of my knowledge, still alive. She's a sweetheart, but so degraded by Alzheimers that she can't remember what a pillow does. It's for the best, probably. Better for her, and for her family, that the events of the previous week be absorbed into the vacant fog of dementia.

Because, as we dressed her son's body for the morgue, as we poured peppermint spirits into our masks and poured the stuff into the trash cans and smeared the stuff on every lintel and doorpost of the ICU like an echo of the first Passover, a guard against the stench of someone's dying firstborn-- as we gagged our way through rotten gnawed carrion and filled in missing places with wadded gauze, we realized that the marks on his legs were sharp gouges like tiny serrated knives, and the marks on his arms were half-moons.

One can only imagine what went through her mind, lying for days on her own house's floor, while her dehydrated and slowly dissolving mind robbed her of words like "kitchen" and "refrigerator" and "son." One can only imagine what connections she made, as the animals that lived in her house discovered the cold meal laid for them, and her stomach growled in response.

We wrote nothing of this on the chart, of course. No sense in burdening the family, with no decisions to be made from any of these suspicions. We rounded out the gnawed parts with bandages, bagged him up, and carried him away in silence.

(His nurse went home.)

Edit: Spoilered because I like Fleta McGurn. Sorry, Fleta.

Zamboni Rodeo has a new favorite as of 12:45 on Apr 2, 2018

# ? Apr 1, 2018 22:43

Mr.Tophat: Apr 7, 2007; You clearly don't understand joke development

That final detail seems a little too much...but then Alzheimers is truly devastating to the mind :smith:

# ? Apr 1, 2018 23:33

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

One time we got this elderly lady in to ER and she had blown right the gently caress up. Her kidneys were swinging off of the fixtures and there was mucus dripping off the rhesus charts. Somehow her relatives had gotten wrapped up in her entrails and were rapidly choking to death as the nurse on call was attempting CPR and administering epinephrine. It was all we could do to get it all bandaged and ready for prep.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 23:39

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

Karate Bastard posted:

One time we got this elderly lady in to ER and she had blown right the gently caress up. Her kidneys were swinging off of the fixtures and there was mucus dripping off the rhesus charts. Somehow her relatives had gotten wrapped up in her entrails and were rapidly choking to death as the nurse on call was attempting CPR and administering epinephrine. It was all we could do to get it all bandaged and ready for prep.

Nah, too realistic

# ? Apr 1, 2018 23:47

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

I kind of wish the gross medical stuff was linked or something, instead of posted in full...

# ? Apr 1, 2018 23:53

mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

What did you read 100+ words on accident?

# ? Apr 2, 2018 00:16

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I kind of wish the gross medical stuff was linked or something, instead of posted in full...

just dont read it idiot

# ? Apr 2, 2018 00:21

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I've got a lot of friends in medicine and every single one of them is full of poo poo when it comes to stories. Hospitals are basically third grade in that a story gets repeated more and more extravagantly over and over again by different people and it always happened to them. I've heard the same story from three different people about the same guy that had a heart attack and drowned in his running shower and each one claimed it happened "on their shift."

Maybe heart attack shower drownings are super common, but I doubt it. They're good gross stories, but just like prison stories you have to take them with a grain of salt and understand that it probably didn't happen to who is telling it and has morphed over time like an urban legend.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 00:48

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I kind of wish the gross medical stuff was linked or something, instead of posted in full...

FWIW there's no way that it's real

# ? Apr 2, 2018 00:57

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

Solice Kirsk posted:

Maybe heart attack shower drownings are super common, but I doubt it. They're good gross stories, but just like prison stories you have to take them with a grain of salt and understand that it probably didn't happen to who is telling it and has morphed over time like an urban legend.

As my dad likes to say, "Any story worth telling is worth improving on."

# ? Apr 2, 2018 00:58

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Never let the truth ruin a good story.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 01:02

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Solice Kirsk posted:

I've got a lot of friends in medicine and every single one of them is full of poo poo when it comes to stories. Hospitals are basically third grade in that a story gets repeated more and more extravagantly over and over again by different people and it always happened to them. I've heard the same story from three different people about the same guy that had a heart attack and drowned in his running shower and each one claimed it happened "on their shift."

Maybe heart attack shower drownings are super common, but I doubt it. They're good gross stories, but just like prison stories you have to take them with a grain of salt and understand that it probably didn't happen to who is telling it and has morphed over time like an urban legend.

Don't forget the old racist one that all the labor and delivery nurses tell about the mom who named her kids Lemonjello and Oranjello

# ? Apr 2, 2018 01:02

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

Solice Kirsk posted:

Never let the truth ruin a good story.

Never pretend a good story is true

# ? Apr 2, 2018 01:03

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012; ERM... Actually I have stellar scores on the surveys, and every year students tell me that my classes are the best ones they’ve ever taken.

canyoneer posted:

Don't forget the old racist one that all the labor and delivery nurses tell about the mom who named her kids Lemonjello and Oranjello

wait you mean my aunt didn't actually deliver a baby named Urethra????

# ? Apr 2, 2018 01:07

elise the great: May 1, 2012; You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

I mean I don�t like that story either but it�s not even the grossest or worst thing I�ve seen, and I�m a relatively young nurse with a narrow band of experience, having worked ICU only, and only for seven years or so. You see worse poo poo than that in the ED, I�m sure.

Also I don�t know if it makes the story any less gruesome, but it�s not like his mom took huge chunks out of his arm, just bit him up pretty good. The upper half of him, which was apparently closest to/lying in the fridge, was the colder and better-preserved part; the legs were the really rotten bits. She�d have needed very strong teeth to get more than a few scrapes and smears. The cats got a lot more.

Anyway if you read that thread filtered just to my posts you�re gonna miss a lot of the good poo poo. People like my verbal diarrhea, but that thread houses medical professionals of all walks, all of whom have Seen Some poo poo and have stories to tell, all of whom are pretty good at keeping each other honest.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 01:20

elise the great: May 1, 2012; You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Btw nobody named their kid La-a either which is a pity because I think Ladashia would be a lovely neologistic name

# ? Apr 2, 2018 01:22

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

i no-poo poo once knew a woman named Caramelatte and no one has ever believed me

# ? Apr 2, 2018 01:41

elise the great: May 1, 2012; You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

I knew a Maleta once and I asked her if she liked to travel and she didn�t get it :smith:

# ? Apr 2, 2018 01:56

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# ? Jun 5, 2024 17:00

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

i dont get it either

# ? Apr 2, 2018 01:57

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF Funny Forum Quotes: If I remember right he was also a pedophile

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