Ebola Roulette posted:

^^^ Honestly I think you'll be a lot happier once you just stop making the effort with your mom. Put in as much effort as she does (which may mean you end up estranged because her effort turns out to be none).

PinheadSlim posted:

Ugh, this part kills me. You were so close to severing her from your life and then some Colonel for reasons only known to high-ranking officers and other similar small brained reptiles forces you to re-establish contact. I genuinely hope you don't have to deal with her anymore.

Devils Affricate posted:

Holy poo poo dude, loving sever. Remove this gremlin from your life. If not for yourself then at least for your children.

meat no potatoes posted:

I've had a couple of lawyers, which I was paying for, tell me that I'll only ever have one mother and that this will blow over or settle down after a while. Older, well travelled types who seemed to have life sorted out.

Some people will just never comprehend it. And that's good in a way: They didn't grow up in a dysfunctional family and don't have to deal with it's effects.

Bruce Boxlicker posted:

She put the two older ones in the loving riptide at the beach despite us both telling them not to ever, ever do that. My mother sent our daughter into the rip to pull the weirdo neighbor girl OUT.

If it was just her and I we'd just walk away but because our kids have always known them it's going to be hard and need to be final.

Bruce Boxlicker posted:

Bruce Boxlicker posted:

My mother and her husband still love to drink in front of us (my wife quit too) as often as possible.

This summer they insisted they take our 3 kids for a few days. Our daughter spent the whole time at the trash neighbors house playing with their borderline mentally disabled daughter. The type of 'disability' that happens from severe neglect. She put the two older ones in the loving riptide at the beach despite us both telling them not to ever, ever do that. My mother sent our daughter into the rip to pull the weirdo neighbor girl OUT.

Our middle son sipped some beer that was left out and they laughed at us when we told them we were not ok with this. Then they left our middle son for a whole day with my mom's only 'friend' out at the beach who's had the cops called on her BY MY MOM for being a loving crazy.

quote:

Life here has been up and down
Some contact with ES- mostly Facetime when he does not talk or interact with us

I posted something on my Facebook page that I feel like life is passing us by- that we have not seen our grandson for 9 months and that it makes us sad – which is very true.
My son’s fiance saw it and wrote that they planned to come to visit for Thanksgiving.
I did not reply- I sat there saying oh my, now what?

Last visit was in December. We tried our very best to make it a good visit. We live in a warm climate state- they live in a cold as can be in the winter- we are 1000 miles away

Last time they visited it was beautiful weather- we went to the community resort pool, asked them to enjoy the pool and spa in our back yard. We took them to a mall to see Santa, took them to see the largest tree in the area, bought them lunch every day and cooked home cooked meals that they approved before they came- fiance’ changed a few of the choices- so I abided by what they wanted and cooked meals that they said would suit them. As the baby was only 9 months at that time he slept most of the day and we hesitated to drag them to restaurants as the wait for service here “in season” which is December can be very long. So, we made home cooked meals. They hurt my husband so much by criticizing a dish he made as lacking enough shrimp. Very rude comment by our son. one day we planned to drive to Olive Garden but knew that we needed to be there by 4 PM to avoid a LONG wait as snowbirds wereback- baby slept past that time so we did not go- cooked in house- they seemed annoyed at us.

Last visit I bought a pack and play, a walker, all sorts of supplies for the baby- he was then about 9 months old

We gave them our car and a gift card to go to lunch and told them stay as long as they wanted. They rushed home saying they were sure we didnot know how to care for a baby???We live in a resort community but to be honest it is not Disney World- it is mostly well off snowbirds who come here to drink, golf, boat and do high end shopping and fine dining. it is not a town for people in their 30s! Not an exciting place at all but we gave them some ideas to where to drive and park and perhaps walk on the 5th Avenue high end shopping area to people watch. They came home without doing that.

On the last day of the visit after they were quite sullen and rude on several occasions my son screamed at me twice and ignored me the rest of the time his fiance said that they had a rotten time. We did not meet their “expectations” She ranted that all they did was stay in our house, look at us and it was just like everyday life. They expected “more.” She added that next time they visit she will send a list of expectations so they will not be disappointed. I was quite hurt and frankly happy when they left.

Fiance’s mother when we spoke said the same thing- they thought we gave them a terrible vacation- they expected more and we did not meet their expectations.

So, now they want to come for Thanksgiving.

Well airfares either sold out or so pricey that it is not worth the effort. Most flights to our closest airport are sold out for that period. Traffic here is the pits.

I was thinking of offering to pay for airfare for all 3 in December but I am sitting here thinking about those “expectations” and how hurtful our son was to both of us

My husband is not well- is taking physical therapy for severe shoulder, neck and back pain and actually spends most of his time in bed. We cannot provide any “excitement” and a drive to Disney or Busch Gardens is over 3 hours in different directions. Neither of us is physically able to entertain them.

We both would love to see our grandson BUT we hesitate to have the expectations we cannot meet thrown into our face again.

We both miss our little grandson- he will probably be our only one yet the price of being abused and insulted when they come here is holding us back
Not sure what to do or say. If I say no do not come they will be angry. If I say come they will be disappointed as we did not live up to their expectations.

trickybiscuits posted:

Just start reading this site. And think about what you're going to tell your kids when they figure out that you knowingly left them in the care of people like this.

What do you want to bet the "vacation" consisted of sitting in the house silently watching television nine hours a day?

eta: "took them to see the largest tree in the area"

quote:

I just was talking to a friend of mine who knows the whole story with my son- she calls it a “continuing pattern” over the years. We have been friends since our sons were in kindergarten so a long time.
I mentioned that my grandson’s first birthday was May 9. Before this latest estrangement, we had planned to fly out to see GS and celebrate. As we have not heard from ES or his fiance since they left December 7 as they found the visit to our home “not meeting their expectations” as all they did was “sit in the house and see us which was not what they expected ” all untrue as we took them places and also gave them our car along with gift cards for meals and directions to sites to see. So our plans to fly out have been tabled as they apparently want nothing to do with us-
So, we have not made any contact with ES at all. As he wants nothing to do with us, I planned to nothing for my grandson’s birthday.
My friend has said she would go out and buy my grandson a nice present and mail it to their house even if it is thrown in the trash- the rationale being that I am giving them ammunition to dislike me by not sending a gift. She said they will rant that we are uncaring grandparents who did not even acknowledge GS’s birthday by sending a gift if we do not send something. She said by mailing something, they cannot criticize us. I was sending monthly diapers and formula never a word of thanks- but after the lack of contact stopped. She said her DIL does not speak with her and she still sends her gifts for her birthday and Christmas every year just so that the DIL cannot say she does not send her gifts. The gifts are never acknowledged and she continues to send them which I find a bit crazy. I wonder if her DIL thinks she is mental for continuing to send presents which are not even acknowledged? She did the same with her late MIL who put all the gifts she gave her in a drawer and never used them- but she said no one could say she did not give her gifts. I wonder how will I ever know what they say or think as they do not speak with us anyway? So who cares?
Well, every gift I have ever given them as been criticized, belitted and downgraded even thrown on the floor or outright rejected! Very hurtful! Never a word of thanks but surely a lot of criticism. Nothing we can do is ever good enough. Despite us buying them a home a few years back nothing we ever do is good enough!
So, I plan to do nothing. My friend says I am making a huge mistake. I do not feel I am.
My gut feeling is to let it pass and let it be.
I have already been told a I was such a bad mother I will never be in my son’s life. So, what is the use? I can look at the their Facebook pages- they have not defriended me yet I do not as it hurts me so to see photos of my GS as the night before a major hurricane hit my home my son’s fiance who was then pregnant told me that we will “never be one big happy family as her mother hates me and wants to tell me off when she sees me” reason unknown as I have done nothing to her mother- so these words came to pass- we are not one big happy family and never will be.
Seems their mind is made up and we are not part of their plans.
Any advice?

quote:

After a lot of thought my husband and I decided that our GS is not to blame for ESs attitude. We decided to pick out a gift for GS and have it sent to him. Birthday not for several days but sent it to arrive on time.
Gift delivered yesterday, last night phone rang and ES said he wanted to thank us and FaceTime with GS.
I thought I would be happy but for some strange reason I was not. I realized I do not know the GS I saw on the screen nor do I know my ES. It was like watching strangers on the video. The joy I imagined just was not there .
Conversation was sparse and carefully chosen words used by my husband and I. A sadness cane over me as I felt something was wrong with me for not being thrilled.
The joy I imagined in seeing my GS was not there. I started to wonder if
there was something wrong with me as I was not thrilled over seeing my GS.
We sent the gift for our GS not to hear anything. We did and although happy to know the toys arrived woke up today with a blank slate.
Anyone else ever have such a reaction to what should have been a happy FaceTime?

quote:

I have been trying to reach someone I am friends with for some a few months now. We were friends when we lived in another state- I gave her many things when I was moving as I moved before her and thought we were friends. We have not seen each other since she moved to our state 2 years ago but talked on the phone quite often. She as my facebook friend and suddenly she was gone off so I was worried about her.

Since May, she was off facebook and never picking up her phone. Last time before today we spoke she was going into the hospital for tests and I have been worried about her. Her not picking up the phone made me feel she may be really ill. I sent messages to both her daughters on facebook and got no response. I was thinking perhaps she has passed away? I really was concerned.

In any case I called her again today and she picked up. I asked how she was doing. Her reply was well I blocked you on Facebook and have not answered your calls as you are a two face. I said what? She said I read what you wrote about your son’s fiance calling her beautiful and it made me sick as you told me you had problems with her and did not like her much. She said you cannot have it both ways- you either like her or you do not and you should not call her beautiful. I I said yes, that is true we do not have a perfect relationship but she is attractive.

The posting in question was in May when it was my grandson’s first birthday I posted a picture of my son’s fiance and grandson. I said here is my handsome grandson and his beautiful mom.

In the past I had told this “friend” about problems I had with my son’s fiance- I have had a rough road dealing with her but truth be told she is my son’s choice and if I needed to be in touch with my son right now I would have a much better chance of contacting her and having her answer than my son who never picks up if we call. I have made an effort to take the high road and be nice to his fiance with the idea that being nice to his fiance and trying to foster that relationship will help mend things with my son or at least keep some semblance of normallty going. His fiance is the one who initiates our Facetime which has been a nice thing for us as we live so far away.

This “friend” told me that cannot have it both ways- I cannot disslike someone and then call them beautiful- she was offended by one word on my facebook page. Truth is his fiance is beautiful better looking than I am and much better looking than his ex wife. When she is made up she is very attractive and she looked beautiful in the picture with my grandson.

I was taken aback and did not reply other than to say- well nice talking to you have a good day and I hung up. I sat and cried after the call thinking that maybe I was a two face.

This woman has a good relationship with her 2 daughters. They live near her, she sees her grandkids all the time and posts photos of the happy times. She does not need to try and be nice to anyone to see her grandkids- I do. I thought we were good friends- apparently my saying my son’s fiance was beautiful broke the friendship. I wish I had the good relationship with my son and grandson that she has with her family and I am desperate to do anything to make that happen.

I made an effort to do something nice every day. I call an elderly widow every day to cheer her up. I try and give a good word to whoever I come in contact with- that is me. Not sure if that is wrong- but this person thinks my using the word beautiful was a major crime.

I guess I lost a friend trying to be nice to my son’s fiance.

What do you think?

meat no potatoes posted:

Since it's often the small, seemingly insignificant posts that others relate to:

Anyone else get made fun of for being too skinny, when what you ate was mostly controlled by your parents? I was called a "biafran" for many years and never heard the term outside of my house. Thanks to Wikipedia I learned that Biafra was a place in Africa for about 3 years, 13-16 years before I was born. 2 million civilians died from starvation there. To me it was just a unique teasing word.

trickybiscuits posted:

Just start reading this site. And think about what you're going to tell your kids when they figure out that you knowingly left them in the care of people like this.

What do you want to bet the "vacation" consisted of sitting in the house silently watching television nine hours a day?

eta: "took them to see the largest tree in the area"

LadyPictureShow posted:

I heard an ad that today is 'National Grandparents Day'. I'm curious if there's going to be an influx of incoherent rants that these posters' demonic daughter-in-law maliciously withheld a visit with their grandchildren on such an important day!

quote:

Yes it is really a day ,I saw it on my calendar!!! guess I was the only one! Well I got permission to spend the day with my 7 yr old gd..my es started texting me at 7 am” when are you gonna pick her up”, I walked into his house and said Thank-you for letting me spend Grandparents Day with Gd, Es said huh I didnt know and dil shot me a look . So gd and I spent a nice day mostly in the pool at my condo..I called es to say she fell asleep he texted be right there. In my crazy head I thought maybe he will bring me a card??? Flowers??? Ok just acknowledge the day…Well no surprise he walked in woke gd told her to say thank-you He mumbled thanks gotta get going . I stood there thinking to myself let it go,where is my gratitude , I know but he at one time never forgot the day !! no matter how far I think i have come I still think Who the Heck is this person ? Where did My Son go and will he ever return . I know if i shared this thought with him he would say ” there you go being Toxic again! I had to share right now so I dont text him to say You just needed a babysitter I am your mother

trickybiscuits posted:

What do you want to bet the "vacation" consisted of sitting in the house silently watching television nine hours a day?

Cerebral Mayhem posted:

I got the opposite -- My mom was always harping after my sister and I about our weight, even though we weren't overweight at all. Looking back at photos growing up, I was actually a pretty skinny kid, but I didn't realize it. The slightest thigh jiggle, and I would be subject to anger and criticism. She said it was because her own mom was fat and she was ashamed of her. (Looking at photos of her mom, she might have been overweight by 1940's standards but wouldn't warrant a glance at Walmart today.) She would criticize, and then go sit on the couch after dinner munching on jellybeans and potato chips. She even encouraged our older brother to tease my sister and I.

Holy poo poo somehow I didn't develop an eating disorder. After I became an adult and moved a state away, every phone call she would ask, "How's your weight?"

She ended up losing a bunch of weight in her 60's, and ended up developing anorexia herself.

BrigadierSensible posted:

It's because these parents/grandparents don't actually want to spend time with their children/grandchildren. The physical acts of spending time with, and/or enjoying their company is not what they are after.

They are after either 1) the IDEA of having a wonderful time as a family together. And the IDEA of a smiling cute grandchild saying "I wuv you nanna", as everybody smiles warmly.
which leads to 2) or they want to bask in the unconditional love and adoration, and respect they feel they deserve for existing as grandparents. So they can say to themselves and others. "look at how good a grandmother I am".

Which is why the lady who got a , (pretty thoughtful if you ask me), facetime and a "thank yuo for the gift", from her son and grandkid felt so flat. She got actual human emotion and interaction, as opposed to the idealized golden radiance she expected. And why the lady who spent Grandparents day with her granddaughter was angry that nobody made a fuss about her.

Bruce Boxlicker posted:

Well. I did it. My wife and I cut ties with my mother and her husband. Thank you for the support. It's pretty weird coming out of the FOG in real time. I weirdly feel a lot better after that decision and not worse. Starting to see the exact same rage and confused depression in our children after each visit with her was getting way too familiar. Reading in to the matter all day today has made me realize I really need to get her away and start taking better care of myself and our family.

Weird tangential question: Did anyone else's narcissistic parent's abusively and publicly call them "spoiled" all the time? Mine did. I still get twitchy thinking about it.

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

This is the mother that is going to become a psychologist right?

Bruce Boxlicker posted:

Well. I did it. My wife and I cut ties with my mother and her husband. Thank you for the support. It's pretty weird coming out of the FOG in real time. I weirdly feel a lot better after that decision and not worse. Starting to see the exact same rage and confused depression in our children after each visit with her was getting way too familiar. Reading in to the matter all day today has made me realize I really need to get her away and start taking better care of myself and our family.

Weird tangential question: Did anyone else's narcissistic parent's abusively and publicly call them "spoiled" all the time? Mine did. I still get twitchy thinking about it.

Bruce Boxlicker posted:

That's my wife. My mother has taught 7th grade literature arts for 20 years.

Bruce Boxlicker posted:

Well. I did it. My wife and I cut ties with my mother and her husband. Thank you for the support. It's pretty weird coming out of the FOG in real time. I weirdly feel a lot better after that decision and not worse. Starting to see the exact same rage and confused depression in our children after each visit with her was getting way too familiar. Reading in to the matter all day today has made me realize I really need to get her away and start taking better care of myself and our family.

TheKennedys posted:

Disclaimer: long, e/n, may have posted the short version already

Took us 20 years but my mother finally realized in May how incredibly wrong and abusive and gaslighting my stepdad was, after my 19-year-old son punched him in the teeth

It took her until August to use the word "abusive", and until last week to finally crack and rewrite her statement to the court (because of course the cops blamed my kid and not his abuser, because rear end in a top hat is over 65) to include the times he hit her and talk about his abuse.

She still thinks my son should apologize so rear end in a top hat will "make it go away". is more important than standing your ground against abuse.

Not a loving chance. Even after he's lost his marriage and his "grandson" - who refuses to use his name now, and has PTSD symptoms and panic attacks, thanks fuckbag, 19-year-old me is so grateful you were there to "help" my mother raise him when I had a massive breakdown, all I wanted was for y'all not to gently caress him up worse than my crazy rear end would have - he still thinks he deserves an apology for being an abusive fash that got what he deserved.

Boy, luckily, flat out refuses to do any such thing and both of us are on the "if I see his face again he's not leaving under his own power" train. I love my mother and she's amazingly supportive and helpful and really genuinely cares about people, and that's the problem, she believes everyone has good intentions. rear end in a top hat may have had good intentions but until they lead him into hell where he belongs he's getting bashed like the loving fash he is

on the bright side Boy went from echoing "haha TRUMP" in 2015 to surprisingly full-fledged comrade courtesy of Fash Granddad so as usual, the kids are in fact alright

I just wish I'd had the balls to punch that fuckhead 20 years ago, but even I didn't know how deep the roots of this poo poo were until the fight brought everything bubbling to the surface. I always kept the faith by assuming, and being told, that Boy had such a good life there with them in their big house with the dogs and the yard, and that's what I saw when I was with them, because like most career assholes, rear end in a top hat is very good at appearing charismatic and personable to people who don't have to live with him. I saw through him on some level at 17 and bailed, but y'know, inherently I'm a coward I guess and I always thought the way he treated me was personal dislike for being a mouthy teenager when he married my mom. Been doubting a lot about myself lately after all this came out though. How do you reconcile being loving gaslit and lied to for years with the knowledge that you allowed it based on the premise that it was obviously better than you could do as a single broke teenager. How do you come to terms with feeling responsible for it?

Bruce Boxlicker posted:

Well. I did it. My wife and I cut ties with my mother and her husband.

Bruce Boxlicker posted:

Weird tangential question: Did anyone else's narcissistic parent's abusively and publicly call them "spoiled" all the time? Mine did. I still get twitchy thinking about it.

TheKennedys posted:

How do you reconcile being loving gaslit and lied to for years with the knowledge that you allowed it based on the premise that it was obviously better than you could do as a single broke teenager. How do you come to terms with feeling responsible for it?

Beachcomber posted:

This all sounds good, but I'm having trouble following the events.

You had your mom raise your son, and at 19 he punched your stepdad in the face because he's a Nazi? What was the argument?

Then there's some court stuff with too many pronouns which I can't decipher who does what.

If it's just me, that's ok too.

TheKennedys posted:

I'm not good at writing all of it out yet, I'm sorry. It's all really fresh still. Boy lived with my mom for most of his life for reasons mostly related to me being a crazy person, and then because I got convinced I was basically useless by my stepdad so he could minimize my "bad influence". I live close by, less than five miles, and have for more than half of that time. Once Boy wasn't a minor anymore, he started standing up to my stepdad and finally punched him, which led to the court case (for elder abuse). Ultimately it came out that rear end in a top hat had been every form of abusive that whole time, and now my kid has PTSD and panic attacks even though we're in the process of memory holing rear end in a top hat (and lots of therapy). My mother is more concerned with decorum and keeping everyone happy than taking Boy's cracking mental state seriously

Idk, I wasn't going to post because I'm a coward and it's a clear "already NC obviously" situation, but someone mentioned abused kids having memories bubbling up like they're happening right now, because the kid never processed them, and it's happening to Boy. This thread has been a safe place for a lot of people and idk, I just wanted to get it out there out loud I guess

someone posted:

one day we planned to drive to Olive Garden but knew that we needed to be there by 4 PM to avoid a LONG wait as snowbirds wereback- baby slept past that time so we did not go- cooked in house- they seemed annoyed at us.

TheKennedys posted:

I'm not good at writing all of it out yet, I'm sorry. It's all really fresh still. Boy lived with my mom for most of his life for reasons mostly related to me being a crazy person, and then because I got convinced I was basically useless by my stepdad so he could minimize my "bad influence". I live close by, less than five miles, and have for more than half of that time. Once Boy wasn't a minor anymore, he started standing up to my stepdad and finally punched him, which led to the court case (for elder abuse). Ultimately it came out that rear end in a top hat had been every form of abusive that whole time, and now my kid has PTSD and panic attacks even though we're in the process of memory holing rear end in a top hat (and lots of therapy). My mother is more concerned with decorum and keeping everyone happy than taking Boy's cracking mental state seriously

Idk, I wasn't going to post because I'm a coward and it's a clear "already NC obviously" situation, but someone mentioned abused kids having memories bubbling up like they're happening right now, because the kid never processed them, and it's happening to Boy. This thread has been a safe place for a lot of people and idk, I just wanted to get it out there out loud I guess

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

Babies just don't appreciate Olive Garden i guess.

Tiggum posted:

This is one of those rare cases where there's actually enough information to figure out what actually happened. The children want to go out for dinner. The parent won't go anywhere but Olive Garden. Kids reluctantly agree. Parent says "Oh, but we have to be there by 4pm to beat the crowds." Kids, entirely understandably, don't want to have dinner at 4pm, especially not if their young child is sleeping at that time. Parent still refuses to consider any other restaurant. Parent, who has clearly lost all touch with normal human society, can't figure out why they wouldn't just wake the baby up to go have dinner at a crappy chain restaurant in the middle of the afternoon, especially when they were the ones who wanted to go out so badly!

A perfect example of "OK, we'll do the thing you want to do, but only if we compromise by doing it in a way you'll hate so that no one's happy."

Dirt Road Junglist posted:

It's good that you're finding this out and getting him help as soon as you can. I hope you and Boy can start healing soon.