Idiots Thread - From the Balls of Montezuma - The Something Awful Forums

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A Bad Poster: Sep 25, 2006; Seriously, shut the fuck up.

Her, Obama, and AOC collectively have caused more brain damage in the last 15 years than lead paint ever did.

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:17

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 04:50

Booger Presley: Aug 6, 2008; Pillbug

I've always wondered if we, as the US, have always been this stupid. Is technology causing stupid or merely exposing it?

# ? Jan 12, 2020 05:35

Midjack: Dec 24, 2007

Booger Presley posted:

I've always wondered if we, as the US, have always been this stupid. Is technology causing stupid or merely exposing it?

Technology lets you do everything bigger and faster, including gently caress up.

# ? Jan 12, 2020 05:40

LtCol J. Krusinski: May 7, 2013

Booger Presley posted:

I've always wondered if we, as the US, have always been this stupid. Is technology causing stupid or merely exposing it?

We have been waaaaaaay dumber historically. I don�t know about relatively, but we�re absolutely smarter than the Americans of 200 years ago.

# ? Jan 12, 2020 05:42

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

It's probably facilitating it more than anything.

1986:
Person: "loving stupid idea"
Their close friends and family: "that's loving stupid"

2017:
Person: "loving stupid idea"
The incredibly small but insanely vocal group of people on the internet who agree with them: "yes that's right and you're good and cool for thinking that"

# ? Jan 12, 2020 05:42

McNally: Sep 13, 2007; Ask me about Proposition 305

Do you like muskets?

Jamestown colony was starving because everybody was growing tobacco and nobody was growing food.

We've always been stupid.

# ? Jan 12, 2020 05:49

Booger Presley: Aug 6, 2008; Pillbug

Memento posted:

It's probably facilitating it more than anything.

1986:
Person: "loving stupid idea"
Their close friends and family: "that's loving stupid"

2017:
Person: "loving stupid idea"
The incredibly small but insanely vocal group of people on the internet who agree with them: "yes that's right and you're good and cool for thinking that"

2019:

Welcome back polio!

# ? Jan 12, 2020 05:51

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

But you know, with a swastika and essential oils.

My dumbass is trying to get leadership to just let him do the rest of his drills for this year now, and then come back and do his ones for next year in October after the FY turns over. I'm more than ok with whatever it takes to get rid of him. I'm just afraid the commander is going to tell him no in some poorly thought last minute attempt to make him into a team player. Today he loudly, he has no inside voice, expounded about how he got mad that his car's OnStar kept emailing him about low washer fluid when it was sloshing around on a race track. So he called them up and screamed at them to turn it off. Then he pulled down the headliner and ripped out the GPS/OnStar antenna.

# ? Jan 12, 2020 05:52

Stupid_Sexy_Flander: Mar 14, 2007; Is a man not entitled to the haw of his maw?; Grimey Drawer

Technology is allowing us to be stupid faster.

It's also letting stupid people find large groups of other stupid people easily.

# ? Jan 12, 2020 06:12

CommieGIR: Aug 22, 2006; The blue glow is a feature, not a bug; Pillbug

Stupid_Sexy_Flander posted:

Technology is allowing us to be stupid faster.

It's also letting stupid people find large groups of other stupid people easily.

Chernobyl.gif.

# ? Jan 12, 2020 06:14

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

Casimir Radon posted:

But you know, with a swastika and essential oils.

My dumbass is trying to get leadership to just let him do the rest of his drills for this year now, and then come back and do his ones for next year in October after the FY turns over. I'm more than ok with whatever it takes to get rid of him. I'm just afraid the commander is going to tell him no in some poorly thought last minute attempt to make him into a team player. Today he loudly, he has no inside voice, expounded about how he got mad that his car's OnStar kept emailing him about low washer fluid when it was sloshing around on a race track. So he called them up and screamed at them to turn it off. Then he pulled down the headliner and ripped out the GPS/OnStar antenna.

Have you considered getting him playdough for christmas

# ? Jan 12, 2020 14:42

PathAsc: Nov 15, 2011; Hail SS-18 Satan may he cleanse us with nuclear fire

PISS TAPE IS REAL

Milo and POTUS posted:

Have you considered getting him c4 for christmas

He's just going to eat it anyway

# ? Jan 12, 2020 16:40

McNally: Sep 13, 2007; Ask me about Proposition 305

Do you like muskets?

At the request of the GIP Discord, I present to you the story of the Civil War reenactor who was bitten by a shark at Gettysburg.

quote:

I think this happened at 135th Gettysburg in 1998. This was a big event that took place during the heyday of reenacting, when they could field almost as many reenactors as there were soldiers on the field.

The story takes place on the night of the second day of the reenactment. The Union lines held firm after repulsing a Confederate attack on the flanks. It was a particularly hot and dry July that year, so he and his fellows decided the best way to end the night is with beer and wings someplace air conditioned.

Many beers were consumed, much air condition absorbed, and so most of the reenactors called it a night and returned to their tents. But not our hero. He and a friend, who had also been recently divorced, felt it necessary to explore the popular drinking establishments of fine historic Gettysburg. At one such establishment they encountered some college students and decided to drink with them.

Shots may have been involved.

So at last call, our hero decides to order a final round of shots to cap off the night before he and his compatriot returned to camp. Bracing his hand on an object above the bar, he stood there waiting for his order. Once delivered, he attempted to disentangle his hand from the object above the bar, only to find his hand was caught. Refusing to be deterred by such an entanglement, he yanked his hand down, freeing it, and returned to his new friends and their final shots.

It was about this point he discovered his hand was dripping.

As it happens, the object above the bar was a shark's jaw.

"Hey, you're bleeding," said one of the college students.

"Ayyyyymm finessssssnobideal" replied our hero, wrapping his hand in his handkerchief.

Finishing their shots, our hero and his comrade decided to return to camp.

Only to discover they had no loving idea where they were.

After stumbling around for awhile, they eventually lost consciousness in a field and awoke to find the sun's harsh glare staring down at them, in silent judgement. Now that they could see where they were and where they were going, they returned to the camp. Our hero found his way to his tent, crawled inside, lie down, and closed his eyes.

"FIRST CALL!" Time for Pickett's Charge!

Swearing profusely, he crawled out of his tent, put on his gear and noticed that his hand kinda hurt. Oh, and his handkerchief was tied around it. And it was soaked in blood. Still, not wanting to miss the day's events, he staggered into formation, marched with the regiment to their position, and resumed his nap. I don't remember whether or not he participated in the fight, but I think he did.

Afterwards he found his way to one of the medical tents the event established in the event of things like "heat stroke" and "sprained ankles"

"Hey," he said, "I, uh, snagged my hand on my bayonet." They looked at his hand and decided that he needed to see a doctor.

The doctor looked at his hand and asked what happened.

"I think I snagged it on my bayonet or something, I dunno" said our hero.

The doctor was having none of it.

"I interned in Florida. I know a shark bite when I see one. What the gently caress happened to your hand?"

So our hero reluctantly told the doctor about the jaws above the bar. His hand was cleaned and treated and our hero left in search of some aspirin and water.

This is not the end of the story.

A week or so later, the local paper ran a story about the big reenactment. There was a sidebar item next to the article, talking about the hard work of medical volunteers which had a tallied list of injuries and wounds sustained that weekend:

Heat exhaustion: 128
Sprained ankles: 47
Broken foot: 3
Shark bite: 1

# ? Jan 15, 2020 02:37

pantslesswithwolves: Oct 28, 2008; Ba-dam ba-DUMMMMMM

That needs to be added to the OP.

# ? Jan 15, 2020 04:36

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

loving excellent.

# ? Jan 15, 2020 04:37

LtCol J. Krusinski: May 7, 2013

Was our shark bitten Gettysburg survivor a confederate or was he Union?

# ? Jan 15, 2020 05:11

McNally: Sep 13, 2007; Ask me about Proposition 305

Do you like muskets?

LtCol J. Krusinski posted:

Was our shark bitten Gettysburg survivor a confederate or was he Union?

Union.

# ? Jan 15, 2020 05:15

Syrian Lannister: Aug 25, 2007; Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.; Sugartime Jones

pantslesswithwolves posted:

That needs to be added to the OP.

Seconding

# ? Jan 15, 2020 07:16

Wibla: Feb 16, 2011

pantslesswithwolves posted:

That needs to be added to the OP.

Thirding

# ? Jan 15, 2020 08:38

throw to first DAMN IT: Apr 10, 2007; This whole thread has been raging at the people who don't want Saracen invasion to their homes

Perhaps you too should be more accepting of their cultures

canyoneer posted:

Does anyone have that comic about the dude who was operating a minesweeper for a patrol in an area heavy with IEDs

https://medium.com/war-is-boring/always-be-prepared-dd5267ee112a

# ? Jan 15, 2020 09:21

Icon Of Sin: Dec 26, 2008

Since we're on some Civil War stuff, let's have a group of idiots from that timeframe.

The 2nd battle of Fort Fisher was the largest amphibious assault prior to the D-Day invasion of Normandy, and ended with a Confederate loss. The day after fighting stopped is what we're looking at, though.

quote:

On January 16, Union celebrations were dampened when the fort's magazine exploded, killing and wounding 200 Union soldiers and Confederate prisoners who were sleeping on the roof of the magazine chamber or nearby. U.S. Navy Ensign Alfred Stow Leighton died in the explosion while in charge of a squad trying to recover bodies from the fort parapet. Although several Union soldiers initially thought Confederate prisoners were responsible, an investigation opened by Terry concluded that unknown Union soldiers (possibly drunken marines) had entered the magazine with torches and ignited the powder

Abu Hajar exists in every army at all times, no exceptions.

# ? Jan 15, 2020 12:48

PathAsc: Nov 15, 2011; Hail SS-18 Satan may he cleanse us with nuclear fire

PISS TAPE IS REAL

pantslesswithwolves posted:

That needs to be added to the OP.

Definitely

# ? Jan 15, 2020 13:05

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

This is only vaguely military adjacent because the dude is merchant marine but anyway.

There�s this ship engineer I know who�s a bit... unlucky. Engines catch fire around him, power circuits fry themselves, just loving bad luck.

Anyway he�s way into disasters documentaries and stuff because it�s basically his day to day life. So he�s really into the TV show Chernobyl, and for some ungodly reason some guy decided to send him a dosimeter in a secret Santa exchange.

Dude starts messing around with his dosimeter, and realizes it may be out of calibration. Since he lives in New Zealand, a place where they�re not too too down with the atom, there aren�t exactly Geiger counter calibration shops on every blocks so he just calls the national nuclear institute or whatever.

�Hey so I got this Geiger counters and the readings I�m getting are way too high�
�Hold please, I�ll transfer you.�
�National nuclear institute, how can we assist?�
�Yeah my Geiger counter Kees giving me readings that seem high so I was wondering...�
�Alright sir stay calm. Where did you get those readings, and what were they?�
�Well at work...�
�And where do you work?�
�But I mean the meter hasn�t been calibrated in thirty years.�
�Oh thank loving God.�

Turns out the dude had been patched through to the national atomic emergency center or whatever.

And that�s how GIP Secret Santa 2019 caused New Zealand�s first IAEA incident.

# ? Jan 16, 2020 06:37

SavageMessiah: Jan 28, 2009; Emotionally drained and spookified; Toilet Rascal

McNally posted:

At the request of the GIP Discord, I present to you the story of the Civil War reenactor who was bitten by a shark at Gettysburg.

Hmm there's a pretty good chance my dad was doing paramedic stuff at that reenactment, I think he was still running one of the ambulance companies in gettysburg around that time and helped at a lot of those. I know he was on site for a lot of the filming of Gettysburg. I'll have to ask him if he remembers shark bite shenanigans.

# ? Jan 16, 2020 06:48

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

I don't know where I read this, but during the 1800s some Naval Academy cadets stole a railway handcart from a siding and went on a joy ride.

# ? Jan 16, 2020 06:49

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

FrozenVent posted:

This is only vaguely military adjacent because the dude is merchant marine but anyway.

# ? Jan 16, 2020 06:57

Syrian Lannister: Aug 25, 2007; Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.; Sugartime Jones

TF's nuke scare needs to be in the op as well.

# ? Jan 16, 2020 08:00

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

A gift from PYF:

https://twitter.com/UncleChaps/status/1217259888272990213

# ? Jan 16, 2020 12:52

piL: Sep 20, 2007; (__|\\\\); Taco Defender

FrozenVent posted:

“Alright sir stay calm. Where did you get those readings, and what were they?”

I love how the phrase "Alright sir stay calm" is anything but calming.

# ? Jan 16, 2020 13:24

Internet Wizard: Aug 9, 2009; BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES

Ghost Leviathan posted:

A gift from PYF:

https://twitter.com/UncleChaps/status/1217259888272990213

I see that cadet is a big fan of this season of 90 Day Fiance

# ? Jan 16, 2020 16:37

PathAsc: Nov 15, 2011; Hail SS-18 Satan may he cleanse us with nuclear fire

PISS TAPE IS REAL

I mean, it is west point, what do you expect aside from being capitalist consumer whores?

# ? Jan 16, 2020 16:55

Icon Of Sin: Dec 26, 2008

There was no subordinate for them to get killed needlessly, and no OER bullet on the line. Not even sure why he tried, tbh

# ? Jan 16, 2020 17:50

Guest2553: Aug 3, 2012

Icon Of Sin posted:

Not even sure why he tried, tbh

Padding his resume for a future presidential bid.

# ? Jan 16, 2020 18:27

Flikken: Oct 23, 2009; 10,363 snaps and not a playoff win to show for it

FrozenVent posted:

This is only vaguely military adjacent because the dude is merchant marine but anyway.

There’s this ship engineer I know who’s a bit... unlucky. Engines catch fire around him, power circuits fry themselves, just loving bad luck.

Anyway he’s way into disasters documentaries and stuff because it’s basically his day to day life. So he’s really into the TV show Chernobyl, and for some ungodly reason some guy decided to send him a dosimeter in a secret Santa exchange.

Dude starts messing around with his dosimeter, and realizes it may be out of calibration. Since he lives in New Zealand, a place where they’re not too too down with the atom, there aren’t exactly Geiger counter calibration shops on every blocks so he just calls the national nuclear institute or whatever.

“Hey so I got this Geiger counters and the readings I’m getting are way too high”
“Hold please, I’ll transfer you.”
“National nuclear institute, how can we assist?”
“Yeah my Geiger counter Kees giving me readings that seem high so I was wondering...”
“Alright sir stay calm. Where did you get those readings, and what were they?”
“Well at work...”
“And where do you work?”
“But I mean the meter hasn’t been calibrated in thirty years.”
“Oh thank loving God.”

Turns out the dude had been patched through to the national atomic emergency center or whatever.

And that’s how GIP Secret Santa 2019 caused New Zealand’s first IAEA incident.

Epic.

# ? Jan 16, 2020 18:44

Comrade Blyatlov: Aug 4, 2007; should have picked four fingers

FrozenVent posted:

This is only vaguely military adjacent because the dude is merchant marine but anyway.

There’s this ship engineer I know who’s a bit... unlucky. Engines catch fire around him, power circuits fry themselves, just loving bad luck.

Anyway he’s way into disasters documentaries and stuff because it’s basically his day to day life. So he’s really into the TV show Chernobyl, and for some ungodly reason some guy decided to send him a dosimeter in a secret Santa exchange.

Dude starts messing around with his dosimeter, and realizes it may be out of calibration. Since he lives in New Zealand, a place where they’re not too too down with the atom, there aren’t exactly Geiger counter calibration shops on every blocks so he just calls the national nuclear institute or whatever.

“Hey so I got this Geiger counters and the readings I’m getting are way too high”
“Hold please, I’ll transfer you.”
“National nuclear institute, how can we assist?”
“Yeah my Geiger counter Kees giving me readings that seem high so I was wondering...”
“Alright sir stay calm. Where did you get those readings, and what were they?”
“Well at work...”
“And where do you work?”
“But I mean the meter hasn’t been calibrated in thirty years.”
“Oh thank loving God.”

Turns out the dude had been patched through to the national atomic emergency center or whatever.

And that’s how GIP Secret Santa 2019 caused New Zealand’s first IAEA incident.