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Picnic Princess posted:What's really funny about it is my mother-in-law isn't like that, and we text and visit with each other way more often because relationships flourish when both parties make effort. I've been way closer to her than my own for 2 decades now, ever since I ran away from home because I wasn't allowed to hang out with her son. Which shocked the gently caress out of her because he's such an amazing wonderful person. Their whole family is. I'm so fortunate I'm one of them now. Who knows what kind of garbage life I would have ended up with if I didn't make that choice. I know what healthy relationships look like and it still makes my heart swell and catch in my throat to this day. It's unbelievable. This sounds like my dad's stories about being adopted into his in-laws' family 
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Feb 18, 2020 19:40
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Devonaut posted:It's bizarre to me to imagine an adult choosing to spend time with their parents at all, much less be friends with them. How would that even work? Doesn't friendship imply a certain amount of equality and mutual respect? It does. I have been fortunate enough to have a healthy relationship with my parents. Our relationship is completely different as adults. If they need something from me, I usually do it because they also do things for me when I need it. If we can't, no big deal. Mom and I have done some professional work together as colleagues, and defer to each other's areas of expertise. We just finished doing a fuse glass class together. I think the key is that we've shifted to a relationship among adults who respect each other and can depend on each other. It's not been without arguments, but they respect my boundaries, so I can speak up if I need to. I can't imagine wanting to spend time with a parent who still expected child-like obedience or acceptance of boundary-stomping as an adult.
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Feb 18, 2020 21:26
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Devonaut posted:It's bizarre to me to imagine an adult choosing to spend time with their parents at all, much less be friends with them. How would that even work? Doesn't friendship imply a certain amount of equality and mutual respect? I'm glad I'm not the only one. I had an ex who talked to her mom drat near every night and I thought it was weird as hell. I didn't mind or anything, in fact I never mentioned it really. That was at least until she started criticizing ME because I was fine only talking to mine every couple of weeks. Hell I'd even prefer less. It became this thing where I was this weird cold monster. Whereas to me, needing to talk to your parents almost daily is, I don't know, sad? Like you can't make almost any decisions without running it by them? It was like her mom was her best friend and I don't know that's just weird to me frankly. But hey, I would have kept my mouth shut.
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Feb 18, 2020 21:31
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Grimdude posted:I'm glad I'm not the only one. Yeah, I call my parents every week or two, and it's loving weird to me that there are people who talk every day. My parents don't do anything, and I don't do anything I want them to know about, so it's pretty brief because there's not a lot to talk about when I do talk. I visit for Christmas, and it's pretty much an lesser circle of hell for me. I've never lived out there, and they don't do anything, so I end up just sitting around watching miserable TV, wishing I was anywhere else. I would love to go out at night but their loving dog would wake everyone up as soon as I came back in. My mom wishes I would visit more, but it's already enough of a hassle to drive 8 hours, and take time off work, rent a car, etc, to just do nothing for several days.
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Feb 18, 2020 21:49
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My friend's boyfriend is inappropriately close with his mother. It's weird. The mom will call him daily, sometimes up to 3 times a day. She's even requested he set up a time where she can meet his girlfriend's friends - one of which being me. Not HIS friends, HER friends. Because she's a nosy busy body with boundary issues who wants to know even the peripheral characters in her son's life.
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Feb 18, 2020 21:55
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Iron Crowned posted:My parents don't do anything, and I don't do anything I want them to know about, so it's pretty brief because there's not a lot to talk about when I do talk. This is my thing too. Like, I'm poor and a pretty big shut-in as far as my spare time goes. I can cover what I did the last few weeks in about ten minutes. So then the rest of the conversation is either gossip or veering towards politics and my folks are in the chud deep end so no thanks.
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Feb 18, 2020 22:54
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I don't find it weird that some people talk to their parents every day. My wife talks to her mom pretty regularly, and they get along well these days. My mom was also really close to her mom and they talked on the phone almost every night. When my grandmother died of cancer it hit my mom pretty hard since they were so close, but she was glad she got to talk to her mom so much before she was gone.
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Feb 19, 2020 00:15
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My wife talks to her mother almost every day and I really loving wish she wouldn't. The other night I heard her on the phone answering a load of intrusive questions about her lunch plans with her friends. When she hung up I was going to give her another version of The Speech about how just because that ridiculous old woman asks you a load of questions, doesn't mean you have to answer them; but she looked so exhausted I didn't bother. But lo and behold, there she was at the restaurant the next day when my wife walked in, making a spectacle of herself in front of my wife's friends, with an absurd excuse for being there. She has this infuriating habit of doing something totally unreasonable and then coming up with a completely ridiculous explanation for it, delivered with a glint in her eye daring you to cause a scene by challenging her on it.
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Feb 19, 2020 00:49
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I talk to my mom on the phone about once a week, more if there's some news I need to share. My brothers go to her house for breakfast and to go to the farmer's market once a week, as well since they live in the same area, while I live about three hours away. I talk to my dad less, but that's just because his work schedule is so screwy, I never know when to call. I spent a week at my mom's house this past summer, and while I mostly enjoyed it, I just wanted to be home by the end of that week.
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Feb 19, 2020 01:08
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SENTIENT HOUSEMEAT posted:My wife talks to her mother almost every day and I really loving wish she wouldn't. The other night I heard her on the phone answering a load of intrusive questions about her lunch plans with her friends. When she hung up I was going to give her another version of The Speech about how just because that ridiculous old woman asks you a load of questions, doesn't mean you have to answer them; but she looked so exhausted I didn't bother. That is amazing. If my mother did this I would blow a gasket. We aren't estranged or anything but I could see my mother being this intrusive, if I hadn't drawn a line in the sand years ago that I refuse to let her cross.
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Feb 19, 2020 01:09
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Texting has been a boon for me, because I hate talking on the phone (11 months of 4x10 night shifts in a call center turned mild antipathy into full blown hatred), so this way my dad can asynchronously ping me once in a while about his cats or what Mom's working on or whatever, and it doesn't have to be something I respond to right away. He does insist on me sharing my GPS location when I go on road trips, but that's residual paranoia from a friend of ours who died and getting word to her family ended up being a big fuckshow, so I let it slide. We also have agreed that if I do something my parents hate, like go on small craft flights with friends who have pilot licenses, that I don't tell them ahead of time. They told me they can't worry if they don't know  I nearly hid my Ukraine tour from them, but I knew too many mutual contacts follow me on social media, and they'd find out anyway and be extra pissed that I didn't let them know. Even though they still tell me, "I hope you never do that again." Yeah, because visiting cities in a first world country is sooooo scary...
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Feb 19, 2020 01:18
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I tried to do the weekly call thing. We both just sat there in silence trying to think of things to talk about. "Yeah, went to school. Went to work. Same as last time. Nothing new or exciting. What about you?" "Went to work." "Ah cool. Welp. Guess that's all. Good talk."
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Feb 19, 2020 01:25
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When my mom was alive she and I would talk about twice a week and we considered ourselves pretty close. Now my dad and I talk about once a week or once every two weeks, and sometimes he checks Facebook to see what I'm up to. But my dad (and my mom when she was around) does things- volunteer stuff, friends, travel, news, books. And, like Bonster, my relationship with my parents changed as I got older, because I changed. My brother and my dad talk less often but still get along well. We're outliers on my dad's side of the family; most of his family lives near each other and see what each other often, while my dad got a job a few hours away so I grew up not seeing them so often. His family is pretty psychologically healthy, just close (and loud).
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Feb 19, 2020 02:36
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I talk to my dad on birthdays and Christmas, sometimes just an email. It is bliss. Anything more is horrible. I’m close to my aunty (mum’s sister) and speak to her every couple of weeks. Mum died 14 years ago, so it’s nice to still have a connection to that part of the family.
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Feb 19, 2020 02:44
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cinnamon rollout posted:That is amazing. If my mother did this I would blow a gasket. We aren't estranged or anything but I could see my mother being this intrusive, if I hadn't drawn a line in the sand years ago that I refuse to let her cross. Yeah I'd lose my poo poo if a family member tried that on me, but then again I'd never answer the questions that enable it. I reckon that's one of the MANY reasons the woman hates me, to be honest. Whenever she tries to grill me I just pretend not to understand the question or to have forgotten the answer so she never learns anything. Pretty sure she thinks I'm a dribbling simpleton by this point, but she also knows nothing about my personal life so I'd call that a win.
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Feb 20, 2020 08:04
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Oh poo poo. I just realized because my kid is now in college I'm on the other end of this equation. I talk to her maybe once every 2 weeks and text a few times in between. I'll check out her TikTok to make sure she's doing okay. She talks to my wife every other day. It comes back to the fact that I'm not friends with my kids. We love and respect one another and I'm responsible for their well being, but there's still a degree of separation. My wife IS friends with our kids and I think that creates more drama than it's worth. I never ever talk to anyone in my extended family now that my parents are gone. We'll host a family Christmas party or Thanksgiving once a year, but that's it. Even then my wife does all the organizing. They're not bad people, but I was always the odd man out with them and every single one is a Chud. Like statistically out of 40+ people there should be a few that don't think Trump is the bees' knees, but no. Chud, chud, chud, chud chud. 75 year old? Chud. 5 year old? Chud.
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Feb 20, 2020 14:11
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Krispy Wafer posted:5 year old? Chud. I don't think you can blame a 5 year old for liking a brightly colored, loud, and buffoonish cartoon man.
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Feb 20, 2020 14:53
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From Sam Vakninquote:To preserve his egocentric cosmology, the narcissist is compelled to attribute fitting motives and psychological dynamics to others. Such motives and dynamics have little to do with reality. They are PROJECTED by the narcissist UNTO others so as to maintain his personal mythology.
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Feb 21, 2020 13:51
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Krispy Wafer posted:It comes back to the fact that I'm not friends with my kids. We love and respect one another and I'm responsible for their well being, but there's still a degree of separation. My wife IS friends with our kids and I think that creates more drama than it's worth.
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Feb 21, 2020 17:14
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No shade, I'm happy for you, but the combination of a home stuck avatar with the phrase "adult children" just made me feel like the oldest possible human being
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Feb 21, 2020 17:21
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purple death ray posted:No shade, I'm happy for you, but the combination of a home stuck avatar with the phrase "adult children" just made me feel like the oldest possible human being Nah. My kids turned me on to Homestuck, not the other way around.
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Feb 21, 2020 17:35
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Arsenic Lupin posted:Nah. My kids turned me on to Homestuck, not the other way around. The rare case of the children holding malicious intent for the parent..
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Feb 21, 2020 18:13
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The Little Death posted:The rare case of the children holding malicious intent for the parent.. They had to pay me back for the month watching Highlander together somehow.
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Feb 21, 2020 18:15
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Homestuck is legitimately fun and good up until around when the second set of trolls gets introduced it eventually turns into a clusterfuck of incomprehensible bullshit because Hussie got bored and couldn't end it early without a shitstorm, but the stuff prior to that is a fun read
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Feb 21, 2020 18:17
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It wasn't until recently that I realized Homestuck and Homestar Runner are not the same thing.
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Feb 21, 2020 18:23
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LORD OF BOOTY posted:Homestuck is legitimately fun and good up until around when the second set of trolls gets introduced That's honestly about where I fell off, yeah. I used to be a big defender since Problem Sleuth is amazing and the early parts of homestuck are tons of fun and I was really sure he'd pull it together
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Feb 21, 2020 18:40
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Arsenic Lupin posted:They had to pay me back for the month watching Highlander together somehow. Even The Quickening???!?!???
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Feb 21, 2020 18:55
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Oh, no, just the TV shows. Methos, man.
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Feb 21, 2020 19:07
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Pope Corky the IX posted:The "Why aren't we friends?" schtick is loving maddening. My father tried to pull that on my when I was in my mid-20s during my first marriage and we had our own place, etc, so I wasn't around that much. I actually stared at him like a fish gasping for air because I couldn't loving believe he could actually ask that question. He was the type that started rejecting me and making fun of me as soon as he realized I wasn't going to be a little clone of him. I actually do look at my parents as good friends. A part of that is probably how absent they always were, I've been getting up to my own devices since I was a tiny little lad so we ended up having more of a roommate type relationship even when I lived with them and was in high school. Once I could drive I didn't even have to come home at night, the only rule was that if I did come home late I should try not to wake them up. I've been independent so long that we didn't really have a disciplinary type of relationship when most people do. Plus they're cool, good people who don't match any of the stereotypes thrown around in this or the boomer thread. They're caring, liberal folks who dedicated their lives to helping others in a way I can't even do. They joined the peace corps twice (Ethiopia, St. Lucia) after retiring and have traveled across Europe, Asia and North America in a van around age 70 #notallboomers Grimdude posted:I'm glad I'm not the only one. When I say my parents and I are "best friends", I'm certainly not talking about this kind of thing. Although I do ask their advice on occasion, no loving way would I call them every day, and there are many things I would never share with them, just like in any other relationship.
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Feb 21, 2020 19:12
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Oh, I do believe that parents can be friends with their children when they're all adults. But the "Why aren't we friends?" or "Why aren't we as close as we used to be?" tend to come from abusive narcissistic parents that swear everything was great and they were really close with their kids when they were growing up.
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Feb 21, 2020 19:33
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Pope Corky the IX posted:Oh, I do believe that parents can be friends with their children when they're all adults. But the "Why aren't we friends?" or "Why aren't we as close as we used to be?" tend to come from abusive narcissistic parents that swear everything was great and they were really close with their kids when they were growing up. Exactly, it's something that can only happen under certain conditions and being an insane tyrant who constantly tears their children down is NOT the way that happens, unsurprisingly
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Feb 21, 2020 19:49
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Pope Corky the IX posted:Oh, I do believe that parents can be friends with their children when they're all adults. But the "Why aren't we friends?" or "Why aren't we as close as we used to be?" tend to come from abusive narcissistic parents that swear everything was great and they were really close with their kids when they were growing up. I'm not friends with my parents because we're just really different people. I haven't lived with my parents for 15* years, I haven't lived in the same state as them for 14, and I've grown and changed since then. * 8 years ago I lived with them for a month when I was between jobs and my unemployment ran out, and it wasn't very fun.
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Feb 21, 2020 19:55
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I know my mom was always fearful that we'd end up having the same relationship that my dad and his siblings did with their mom, because she'd tell us how they'd go out to dinner, talk with each other, but have nothing to say to their own mother. Problem is that whenever I talk to my mom, she has nothing to say. She doesn't really watch movies, really all that many books, or keep up with any real hobbies. All she ever does is work (and work and work), or gossip with her friends. She won't really agree to trying something new unless her hand is held the entire way, and even then she never really has much to say about it unless it's really awful and she gets to be hyper-critical. And the few times she does have an actual opinion, there's no room to move, "That's it, this is the way it is, end of discussion." Gee, ma, I wonder why I'm not filling you in on all the details of my life right now.
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Feb 21, 2020 20:41
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I was reading a decade old article about John Hughes written after his death and he was a cool Boomer: This mind-set was, as contradictory as it may sound, consistent with the one that led Hughes to become the sympathetic voice of teendom in the 1980s. One of his major hobbyhorses—“a constant topic,” in James’s words—was the attention-hogging egotism of his own generation, the baby-boomers. In his view, the boomers did not know when to step aside and cede the stage. “He was kind of upset not to see more people of his generation passing the baton,” John III said. “He wanted to give youth a voice.” https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2010/03/john-hughes-201003 Just ignore the probably perfectly innocent, but still slightly unnerving parts with Molly Ringwald. Arsenic Lupin posted:Huh. I am friends with my adult kids, and there's no drama involved. Maybe it's about boundaries? There's stuff I don't talk to my kids about, there's stuff they don't talk to me about, and none of us pries. When I'm in mom mode, we do talk about emotional stuff, but it's generally "I'm feeling awful about this" "Wow, that does sound awful, I'm sorry." Sure, it's exactly what you're saying. I guess I am friends with my kids, but at the same time I keep a clear parent/child demarcation. My wife doesn't and gets upset when her best friend daughter doesn't tell her stuff that you would never ever tell your parents. And being best friends with your kid means you're probably friends with her friends and teenage girls will emotionally carpet bomb each other without notice. I'll help with the reconstruction, but I don't want to be part of the battle.
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Feb 21, 2020 20:42
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Krispy Wafer posted:Sure, it's exactly what you're saying. I guess I am friends with my kids, but at the same time I keep a clear parent/child demarcation. My wife doesn't and gets upset when her best friend daughter doesn't tell her stuff that you would never ever tell your parents. It's become a meme with my kids, a thing I always say: "I do not set my emotional state by a teenager's watch." It's something I remind them of when they try to get mean during an argument, or they make fun of my boring clothes and my ancient music. But it's also what I said when my oldest forgot my birthday last month and ran off with his friends after school, then was genuinely anxious that he'd hurt my feelings. It's a gentle warning and a stock comeback, but it's also a promise to them: I'm the adult, I will be mature and emotionally stable even when you're not. I will maintain a healthy perspective even when you don't. Which is my long winded way of saying: right on. several people posted:I can't imagine talking to my parents that much... I think (absent obvious control issues) it's really just luck as to whether or not your personalities and interests match, same as any other relationship. I don't know that I've ever had a conversation with my dad that lasted more than 20 minutes. My kids and I regularly talk for hours at a time. a ton of people posted:Horrifying tales of financial abuse Financial abuse is almost always a load-bearing structure for emotional abuse. I'm glad there's increasing awareness of that dynamic. (It's also a way that late stage capitalism has super-charged the power of boomer abusers.) Still, even in hell dimension, sending your kid an invoice for their childhood is some next level poo poo.  About a year after we took guardianship of (and then adopted) the boys, I was catching up with a friend of mine over coffee in the kitchen and mentioned that we were in "catch up mode" financially because we'd spent about $25k that first year. (Clothes, furniture, modifications to the house, lawyer fees, etc.) A few days later, the oldest told me that he was gonna get a good job when he grows up and pay us back for all the money we spent. He'd overheard the conversation and felt bad. The insanely obvious response was, "you don't owe us a thing, neither financially nor emotionally, I don't regret spending a penny of it, and you're gonna inherit all our stuff anyway so who cares." I can't imagine being so soulless that my response was "drat right! My accountant will send you an itemized statement!"
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Feb 22, 2020 05:26
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nvm, I misread. I'll be honest, my kids are my friends, but if either of us thought of the relationship as best friends, I'd be creeped the hell out. Like, you're an adult! I raised you to go out and live your life! Find people that suit your personality.
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Feb 22, 2020 18:54
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To me a friend is someone that you like to hang out with occasionally and share common interests with. But even though I do like to hang out with my dad and we share tons of common interests it would feel weird to describe him as my friend because the type of bond we have is completely different from the bond I have with my friends. I also don't call my spouse my best friend because I love her in a completely different manner than I do my friends. A lot of people at work give me poo poo about that, but I think it's because they don't have any adult friends.
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Feb 22, 2020 19:09
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Peeps who get along with their parents but don't know what to talk about on the phone: the answer is in the good old fw:fw:fw. Go to the funny pictures thread, the cute thread, the OSHA thread or whatever and find some pictures your mom or dad will like. Send a few to her on facebook, or if you and your mom are both smartphone savvy you can send them to her during the phone call. Now you can talk about the cute, funny, or dumb thing in the pictures. Here's a few I sent my mom this week to get you started.  Haha, that's just like [our dog]!  What a dumbass!  Does your dad like dad jokes?  This one opens up a whole conversation tree about that story they saw about rescue dogs. Everyone has seen a story about rescue dogs.  If your mom is real boring and doesn't share your sense of humor maybe she will like something pretty from the bird pictures thread. And then you talk about it and have a laugh and everybody ends the call feeling like it was a good call even though you talked about nothing.  Note: this probably won't work if your parents are narcissistic assholes or whatever because they would just look for hidden meanings or something. But if they are okay normal people who are just boring or you have nothing in common with, then funny/cute pictures can give you something safe to talk about for a few minutes.
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Feb 23, 2020 11:45
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My mother told me she refused to like or comment on any of my facebook stuff because she doesn't want that kind of relationship with her child. All while she was liking literally everything my sister posted. Not jealous or anything, just annoyed at the hypocrisy and how blatant the whole golden child/scapegoat thing really is. My mother in law interacts with my posts though
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Feb 23, 2020 14:29
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Who What Now posted:I also don't call my spouse my best friend because I love her in a completely different manner than I do my friends. A lot of people at work give me poo poo about that, but I think it's because they don't have any adult friends.
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Feb 23, 2020 17:16
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