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BrigadierSensible posted:I see this as a version of "the only moral abortion is my mistresses abortion" thing that Conservative Christian politicians do. Given how many of the parents are having regular brunch meetups with their "estranged" kids or being upset that they don't phone literally every week, I would guess the number is high.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 03:08 |
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# ? Apr 28, 2024 18:34 |
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BrigadierSensible posted:I see this as a version of "the only moral abortion is my mistresses abortion" thing that Conservative Christian politicians do. In Psychology we call that the Fundamental Attribution Error. People have a hard time understanding how situations might affect other people, and tend to assume that anything a person does is only a reflection on their personality and not any other factor.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 03:34 |
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Karen for Others Welcome once again to Karen for Others, the advice column where hard-earned wisdom is served weekly with a side of down home comfort! My pain is your gain! quote:Karen, First, I want to congratulate you on your healthy relationship with your late mother-in-law. My own mother-in-law was a cold woman with little to offer, and my daughter-in-law is far too controlling for us to have that sort of closeness. You had the maturity to recognize the value of your MIL and that's commendable. Regarding your son, I think a "professional" will do more harm than good. You, as his mother, are an expert on his needs and feelings. To bring in an outside party will only complicate that bond and cause you to second guess yourself. No degree can compare to carrying your child within your own body for nine months. Trust yourself! You're his mother! I dealt with a similar problem when my own MIL passed away. I allowed my son time to grieve, but after the funeral, it became clear that he was clinging to his sadness. I think sometimes children like to milk these things to feed their endless need for attention. In short, he's acting like he's missing his grandmother, but what he's actually doing is using her death as a way to demand your attention. That's unfair to you and deeply manipulative. (Side note: I would think hard about who in your child's life is modeling this sort of abusive behavior. It doesn't come from nowhere.) Regardless, there's an easy fix, though it'll take a little prep work. Pick a closet, preferably one that locks from the outside (in a pinch you can always jam the door with a chair). Empty out that closet, and inside place a chair, a flashlight, and a few pictures of your late MIL. I call this a "Room of Rememberance". The next time your son is sad about his Grammy, take him by the arm and guide him to the closet. Say to him, "since you miss your Grammy so much, go spend some time with her." Then sit him in the chair and close and lock the door. If he's actually missing his Grammy, this is an opportunity to meditate on their time together and process his loss. If this is actually a ploy for attention, he'll knock or even pound on the door and ask you to let him out. It's important that you leave him in the Room of Rememberance for at least fifteen minutes. I guarantee that after a few sessions, the crying and moping will end. It's a lot of work but I know that you're up to the challenge. Us mothers will do anything to make sure that our children are happy and healthy. Karen is an artist, writer and entrepreneur who transformed the pain of her abandonment by her own child, alchemy-like, into wisdom. Please mail your questions to sonic_mama@gmail.com
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 05:40 |
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Oh, I hate it.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 05:50 |
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Rockbear your posts are so outlandish and so real
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 05:59 |
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I think dealing with my boomer parents my entire life and reading every single post in this thread has created some psychotic parent tulpa in my head.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 06:06 |
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BrigadierSensible posted:I see this as a version of "the only moral abortion is my mistresses abortion" thing that Conservative Christian politicians do. Honestly I doubt it's very many. People generally don't cut out loved ones unless there's some really serious poo poo there and it's very rare that people let healthy familal relationships just fall away in the manner that these people are complaining about. To them it's not about the loss of face time or a bit of distance, it's about the changing power dynamic and the withdrawal of the unlimited emotional placating and attention they've come to expect and demand. How often they see their kids is probably tertiary, at most. Hell most of these people probably would be fine almost never seeing their kids as long as their kids kept the dysfunctional poo poo going unchallenged. Like a reasonable parent has a kid who is busy with their own life and thinks, 'it would be nice if I'd get to see them more, but I understand they're busy and they just got a dog and their kid is starting school and I'm happy they've got their own life.' These parents in the same situation stew for months about how they're the victim and their kid's SO is stealing them away and they write a thousand words without stopping to realize that every single sentence is about them. Their adult kids are still just instruments to make them feel better, not like independent individuals with their own lives and realities. They don't feel happy when their kids are healthy and independent, if anything explicitly the opposite because the healthier and more independent their kids are, the less they are needed. Herstory Begins Now fucked around with this message at 13:40 on Mar 2, 2020 |
# ? Mar 2, 2020 13:35 |
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trickybiscuits posted:This is interesting. Going to guess the emotional priorities that ranks temporary estrangement from sexual molesters as one of the big sacrifices of parenthood, an action which was not worth it ultimately because the adult child doesn't constantly and performatively display gratitude for such deep sacrifice, is at the heart of this estrangement. And this person will never figure that out. I think this is common. Someone survives severe and deep abuse, but remains quite broken and refuses therapy. Then they raise slightly less abused and broken children who are capable of having boundaries. Since the broken mother cannot have boundaries and doesn't really understand them, this explodes until estrangement occurs. It's really sad. They did better than their parents but not well enough to cut the cycle of abuse in one generation.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 13:42 |
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jemand posted:Going to guess the emotional priorities that ranks temporary estrangement from sexual molesters as one of the big sacrifices of parenthood, an action which was not worth it ultimately because the adult child doesn't constantly and performatively display gratitude for such deep sacrifice, is at the heart of this estrangement. This is one of the main reasons I'm happy to remain a biological cul-de-sac. I can't be the mother I didn't have, I know I'm not capable of it, and never will be, even with hours of therapy already behind me and more to come. I'm never going to be capable of ending the abuse cycle while raising a family; I know that some of the worst aspects of my mother will end up coming out of me if I had children, and I'll end up hurting them like she hurt me.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 15:27 |
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With no other way to end the cycle, we end it by not having kids at all. This coastal shelf isn't getting any deeper on my watch.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 16:29 |
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quote:I’ve only just seen this post and wanted to reply. It seems to me that you had very good reasons for distancing yourself from your birth family – not at all like most of the AC we discuss here. I sympathise because for several years I too estranged myself from my parents, in order to protect my son from the risk of the kind of sexual attention from my father that I and my brother received. jemand posted:Going to guess the emotional priorities that ranks temporary estrangement from sexual molesters as one of the big sacrifices of parenthood, an action which was not worth it ultimately because the adult child doesn't constantly and performatively display gratitude for such deep sacrifice, is at the heart of this estrangement. In a thread full of vile poo poo, this one still managed to shock and upset me. It's a stunning lack of self-awareness. It's like sending a sound wave into the earth to map what we can't see; that single comment told me everything I will ever need to know about the writer. Rockbear fucked around with this message at 20:38 on Mar 2, 2020 |
# ? Mar 2, 2020 20:35 |
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trickybiscuits posted:Narcissists (and borderline people) can't deal with their own emotions so they project like crazy. What a great segue into what I wanted to share! Hahaha this one's great. Instead of the simple explanation that the poster THEMSELVES is the narcissist, instead it's literally every other person in their lives. How strange
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 21:00 |
i forgave the pedo who molested me, you should forgive me anything. family is about passing on the enabling.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 21:16 |
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I didn't even get that luxury. My uncle molested both my mom and my aunt and the whole family swept it under the rug and kept him around. Then I showed up. She still keeps in touch with him today and thinks I should go visit him because he's dying of cancer. loving GOOD. Let him ROT. She also thinks I should reconcile with my dad, the man who beat us for 8 years then tried to kill her in front of me. I don't understand any of it. At all. Their concept of family is strictly limited to blood. My concept is that of chosen family, like my in-laws and my closest friends. Being related to someone doesn't make them "family". I fuckin reject that.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 22:45 |
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"family comes first" is the same exact sentiment behind "bros before hos" - the only people who invoke it can't get people to be around them without making up a rule that says people have to be around them
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 22:58 |
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Picnic Princess posted:I didn't even get that luxury. My uncle molested both my mom and my aunt and the whole family swept it under the rug and kept him around. Then I showed up. These attitudes about family are the product of years of grooming and brainwashing. They didn't need to be rational, they just need to be reinforced harshly and consistently enough. The only thing to understand is that your mother believes these things because she is a deeply damaged person. You are fortunate in that you have managed to avoid this kind of programming yourself.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 23:12 |
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purple death ray posted:"family comes first" is the same exact sentiment behind "bros before hos" - the only people who invoke it can't get people to be around them without making up a rule that says people have to be around them Reminds me of a bit from a Lingua Ignota song, "FRAGRANT IS MY MANY FLOWER’D CROWN": quote:What will you say of the bond we had The whole album is like that. It's great, but heavy as gently caress.
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# ? Mar 2, 2020 23:14 |
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quote:This weekend ED called saying she would be up to see grandma at nursing home. I had told ES about grandma and he did not respond at all and so I let it go. Like ya said No response is a response. Well ES did show up after I left him alone.
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# ? Mar 5, 2020 23:43 |
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These children do not sound very estranged...
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# ? Mar 6, 2020 00:16 |
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My family is just no *fun* anymore now that they won't put up with any of my poo poo. I feel bad for all the bingo ladies about to be stuck with her on a bus for hours.
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# ? Mar 6, 2020 00:26 |
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AuntBuck posted:I feel bad for all the bingo ladies about to be stuck with her on a bus for hours. I feel bad for the two fuckbuckets that were stupid/lonely/horny enough to marry her.
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# ? Mar 6, 2020 00:35 |
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States how ridiculous and not true it is that her mum is friends with her ex husband's new wife. Two sentences later, so my mum is good friends with my ex husband's new wife.
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# ? Mar 6, 2020 01:25 |
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I freaking hate my abusive parents, I continue the cycle foisted upon me in my constant lust to beat things with hammers
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# ? Mar 6, 2020 08:41 |
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She types like Grampa Simpson telling a story
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# ? Mar 6, 2020 08:54 |
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Splicer posted:She types like Grampa Simpson telling a story "I constantly called my daughter fat and belittled her every accomplishment, which was the style at the time."
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# ? Mar 6, 2020 17:57 |
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Clitch posted:"I constantly called my daughter fat and belittled her every accomplishment, which was the style at the time." Mods is this too long for the title
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# ? Mar 6, 2020 18:06 |
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Clitch posted:"I constantly called my daughter fat and belittled her every accomplishment, which was the style at the time." ABBAB: Always Be Berating and Belittling
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# ? Mar 6, 2020 18:17 |
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ACAB: All Children Are Berated.
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# ? Mar 7, 2020 01:36 |
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quote:I got to the house and after she was dressed getting boots on and began to cry like she didnt want to come with me…. I felt myself choking up and was getting ready to say to dil and son look what you have done we we close …es walked us to my car and told her if she wanted to be picked up just call him…she got into the car pouting i felt like i was the divorced parent taking unwilling kid for a visit..man did that feel like hell!! I talked to her and she only wanted to come to my house for xmas gifts..so she opened the gifts what do you buy a kid that has everything well she said the things i got her would replace thing s that broke ..we played with the dolls that i have in a room just for her ,got lunch played with slime and a board game ..the weird thing is she doesnt want to go anywhere but es came to pick her up said thanks ..she didnt say anything but good bye … This is a seven-year-old kid who she last saw less than six months ago. Poster who recently wrote about ending her life ("Ready to take that pill!"): quote:Today the husband said, I was not fit for a conversation.
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# ? Mar 8, 2020 05:29 |
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My ex-wife was a loving nightmare and I still wouldn’t have referred to her as “the wife”
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# ? Mar 8, 2020 07:38 |
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Pope Corky the IX posted:My ex-wife was a loving nightmare and I still wouldn’t have referred to her as “the wife” What is this responding to?
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# ? Mar 9, 2020 13:52 |
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The post above mine where she refers to her spouse as "the husband" it's so loving weird.
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# ? Mar 9, 2020 14:16 |
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this thread is so nice to have around. i'm estranged from my parents and went full no contact (or tried to anyway) about a year ago and whenever my mom pulls some crazy poo poo like calling my property manager to try and get my current address from them or calls the police to do a "wellness check" on me it helps to be able to come read all these stories about how there's so many others just like her and so many others just like me! what a world
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# ? Mar 9, 2020 20:58 |
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meat glitter posted:this thread is so nice to have around. i'm estranged from my parents and went full no contact (or tried to anyway) about a year ago and whenever my mom pulls some crazy poo poo like calling my property manager to try and get my current address from them or calls the police to do a "wellness check" on me it helps to be able to come read all these stories about how there's so many others just like her and so many others just like me! what a world Is there any way to prevent the police from doing those? It's like a tamer version of being SWATed, but people still get killed.
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# ? Mar 9, 2020 22:09 |
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Beachcomber posted:Is there any way to prevent the police from doing those? It's like a tamer version of being SWATed, but people still get killed. if there is, i havent found it yet. they wont just NOT do a wellness check - because what if there might actually be a problem? best case scenario is the officer who responds is chill about it, checks my id and leaves after explaining im fine and my mom is a crazy person...repeat again in a few months. im lucky that im a normal looking white woman; would probably be a whole different nightmare if i werent. and of course in true estranged parent fashion "its my own fault she had to resort to this - i stopped responding to texts and calls so naturally she only thought the worst!!!!"
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# ? Mar 10, 2020 12:58 |
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meat glitter posted:if there is, i havent found it yet. they wont just NOT do a wellness check - because what if there might actually be a problem? best case scenario is the officer who responds is chill about it, checks my id and leaves after explaining im fine and my mom is a crazy person...repeat again in a few months. im lucky that im a normal looking white woman; would probably be a whole different nightmare if i werent. Could you get a no contact order and then at least the mother in question would have to suffer whatever consequences come with harassment at that point? Seems like a lot of work for something that is only partially effective and doesn't stop the police from doing a needless wellness check, but what else is there besides doing nothing?
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# ? Mar 10, 2020 13:11 |
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cinnamon rollout posted:Could you get a no contact order and then at least the mother in question would have to suffer whatever consequences come with harassment at that point? Seems like a lot of work for something that is only partially effective and doesn't stop the police from doing a needless wellness check, but what else is there besides doing nothing? this is getting more into e/n territory then "ahaha estranged parents so quirky" so ill leave it here with this but ive been advised (by a friend who is an attorney, off hand, for whatever that is worth) that if i can prove they are crossing over into harassment territory i would be able to get some kind of court order, and to prove harassment it will be helpful to have a paper trail. i started with a text and email saying do not contact me and blocked their numbers then when they sent letters i sent THEM a letter saying "hey i mean it do not contact me" and if they keep escalating my next step is to pay a lawyer to send a more official letter with letterhead and poo poo saying HEY STOP IT. i really do not want to go through any more hassle than i already have though if i can avoid it (i moved halfway across the country, changed my phone number, got off of all social media like come on), i just want them to leave me alone. i also dont really want them to end up in legal trouble/pursue any kind of action against them. a huge ask, i know, to deprive my mother of HER RIGHTS AS MY LIFEGIVER!! free reign to continue making me miserable until the end of her life or mine. all that aside it's probably moot anyway because anybody can call in for a welfare check anonymously so like you said, im not sure the problem would actually be solved. i guess i just kind of hope eventually "doing nothing" will work and they will go away because i dont want to give up any more of my time/life/attention to them than i have already. this thread is proof that that rarely works though - but maybe MY estranged parents will be different! they will be the chosen ones, the ones that finally take the hint and move on with their lives you know?
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# ? Mar 10, 2020 14:26 |
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meat glitter posted:this is getting more into e/n territory then "ahaha estranged parents so quirky" so ill leave it here with this but ive been advised (by a friend who is an attorney, off hand, for whatever that is worth) that if i can prove they are crossing over into harassment territory i would be able to get some kind of court order, and to prove harassment it will be helpful to have a paper trail. i started with a text and email saying do not contact me and blocked their numbers then when they sent letters i sent THEM a letter saying "hey i mean it do not contact me" and if they keep escalating my next step is to pay a lawyer to send a more official letter with letterhead and poo poo saying HEY STOP IT. i really do not want to go through any more hassle than i already have though if i can avoid it (i moved halfway across the country, changed my phone number, got off of all social media like come on), i just want them to leave me alone. i also dont really want them to end up in legal trouble/pursue any kind of action against them. a huge ask, i know, to deprive my mother of HER RIGHTS AS MY LIFEGIVER!! free reign to continue making me miserable until the end of her life or mine. This type of talk I’m cool with, this is kind of a GBS-E/N joint.
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# ? Mar 10, 2020 15:03 |
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Dad's dead and mom moved states. My wife's dad is still alive and living in the general area but her mom was the major abuser in her family and she died like 5 years ago so we're pretty secure where we are now. We won, fuckers! It's been 20 years, yall are dead and we're still together! This is are town!!
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# ? Mar 10, 2020 15:13 |
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# ? Apr 28, 2024 18:34 |
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purple death ray posted:Dad's dead and mom moved states. My wife's dad is still alive and living in the general area but her mom was the major abuser in her family and she died like 5 years ago so we're pretty secure where we are now. Hell yeah Get in the urn
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# ? Mar 10, 2020 15:17 |