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I find some of the culture around ‘needing’ to develop and follow a birth plan to be really counterproductive. A list of preferences can be helpful in educating yourself about what might go on, but since every birth is different, there is a good chance that not every preference can or should be accommodated. The worrisome parts, along with cases of baby/mother safety, come in where some women start to tie interventions (or, usually, the lack of them) as an indicator of caring for their baby or their ability as a mother. It can really turn toxic quickly, and I think a lot of women are stuck with totally unnecessary feelings of guilt or inadequacy after the fact if they ended up with an epidural/c section/induction. How you end up delivering does not reflect how much you love your baby or your worth as a mother or woman, and it’s ridiculous that there are people that push that line (usually with more subtle framing) on women. Parenting is a quick, hard lesson in the amount of control you have over your and other people’s lives, and birth is the start of that.
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Jul 7, 2020 11:25
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"I'm a strong woman. I didn't need an epidural.  "loving die with that toxic behavior.
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Jul 7, 2020 13:03
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I am a weak woman. Gimme the epidural. I don’t know how well it will even work on me. I’m one of those people who needs extra anaesthetic at the dentist and some pain meds just don’t seem to work on me at all. I was given misoprostol for my miscarriage last year, but no pain meds. I was in horrendous pain for roughly 12 hours and it made me want to die. It was miserable.
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Jul 7, 2020 14:41
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Nessa posted:I am a weak woman. Gimme the epidural. I don’t know how well it will even work on me. I’m one of those people who needs extra anaesthetic at the dentist and some pain meds just don’t seem to work on me at all. My wife is the same at the dentist and the epidural worked so well she was having panic attacks during labor because she couldn't feel her legs. 
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Jul 7, 2020 14:51
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Honey Im Homme posted:My wife is the same at the dentist and the epidural worked so well she was having panic attacks during labor because she couldn't feel her legs. Oh good! I’m mildly worried about getting into a situation where it just “doesn’t take.” When I first went to my current dentist, I mentioned needing more shots and the hygienist was just like, “That makes sense, you have red hair.” And they just... believed me and gave me the extra shots right off the bat. My hair isn’t even red red, but more of a dark blonde with coppery undertones. My experience with other dentists have been painful trial and error sessions.
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Jul 7, 2020 15:12
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Nessa posted:Oh good! I’m mildly worried about getting into a situation where it just “doesn’t take.” What?? Red hair makes a difference? Is it for pain in general? I’ve never heard this before.
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Jul 7, 2020 16:14
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Bloody Cat Farm posted:What?? Red hair makes a difference? Is it for pain in general? I’ve never heard this before. It's supposedly a thing, that redheads need more anesthetic. I haven't noticed it with anesthetic for myself, although OTC pain meds don't work well.
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Jul 7, 2020 16:19
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I had a birth plan but it all went out the window when I needed a c section. And you know what? That's okay. Kid was out in 13 minutes from the start of surgery and everyone was fine. I've never experienced labor and I might never experience it. It doesn't take away my *~ birth experience ~* or make me less of a parent. You just need to roll with it and have faith in the fact that everything will (hopefully) be the best decision at the time when you look back a couple years later.
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Jul 7, 2020 16:21
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Emily Spinach posted:It's supposedly a thing, that redheads need more anesthetic. I haven't noticed it with anesthetic for myself, although OTC pain meds don't work well. Red hair is caused by a defect in signaling molecules during the formation of the neural cleft in early fetal development, which causes pigmentation cells to get 'lost'. Red pigmentation cells from the nipples and genitals get distributed across the entire body instead of normal melanin producing cells and certain elements of neurochemistry get changed as well. There's even a red hair gene variant (out of the 35+ different known mutations) that causes obesity due to the body being unable to detect signals from the stomach indicating satiation. It's weird stuff and I really enjoy reading about it, haha
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Jul 7, 2020 16:26
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Emily Spinach posted:It's supposedly a thing, that redheads need more anesthetic. I haven't noticed it with anesthetic for myself, although OTC pain meds don't work well. take me to the beaver posted:Red hair is caused by a defect in signaling molecules during the formation of the neural cleft in early fetal development, which causes pigmentation cells to get 'lost'. Red pigmentation cells from the nipples and genitals get distributed across the entire body instead of normal melanin producing cells and certain elements of neurochemistry get changed as well. There's even a red hair gene variant (out of the 35+ different known mutations) that causes obesity due to the body being unable to detect signals from the stomach indicating satiation. It's weird stuff and I really enjoy reading about it, haha Huh I never knew any of this. I color my hair, but I’m naturally a redhead. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing!
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Jul 7, 2020 16:52
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Nessa posted:Oh good! I’m mildly worried about getting into a situation where it just “doesn’t take.” I used to work in a dentist office assisting root canals. Whenever I had a red in my chair I always set out more for reloads. I have weird copperish color hair, I know the feeling.
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Jul 7, 2020 17:43
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My mother never had a good experience with epidurals--with my older brother, she got an epidural and it only worked from the knees down, so she got to experience all the pain without being able to get up and move around. With my younger sister, the epidural didn't work at all. She also had crazy-fast labors, I'm talking only 5 hours for her first child fast. So it'll be interesting to see how things go with my own labor and delivery experience! I'm prioritizing learning pain management and comfort techniques in the event I choose not to go for medical pain management/if I just don't have the time.
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Jul 7, 2020 19:32
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Carotid posted:My mother never had a good experience with epidurals--with my older brother, she got an epidural and it only worked from the knees down, so she got to experience all the pain without being able to get up and move around. With my younger sister, the epidural didn't work at all. She also had crazy-fast labors, I'm talking only 5 hours for her first child fast. So it'll be interesting to see how things go with my own labor and delivery experience! I'm prioritizing learning pain management and comfort techniques in the event I choose not to go for medical pain management/if I just don't have the time. Unless she's had them recently, A LOT has changed in medicine over the years when it comes to pain management during labor.
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Jul 7, 2020 19:36
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The nurses were very mindful of making sure my epidural was working correctly and continued working. I was induced and had it early since I couldn't walk around anyway because of preeclampsia drugs. It was probably in 12 hrs or so all told? I was flip flopped from side to side to make sure everything was distributed properly. With an epidural in place I could feel enough to know when it was time to push vs rest but if you can't they hook up a sensor and the nurse/midwife/whatever coaches you. Leading up to pushing I started to be able to feel my contractions but they felt more like really really bad diarrhea crampy pain. Like really uncomfortable but no sharp pains. When it was time to push it just felt like I was bearing down on a very constipated giant poop. A lot of pressure. They still were mindful enough to do some pinch tests to see if I had skin feeling when they were going in to repair my tearing after birth, and since they had stopped the medicine going into the epidural after baby came out I COULD FEEL IT so they did a local anaesthetic thank God. I'm thankful that the pain management at my hospital was very well handled. They were also very heavy handed with the numbing cream, witch hazel, and ice pack pads that were available for postpartum.
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Jul 7, 2020 20:53
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BadSamaritan posted:I find some of the culture around ‘needing’ to develop and follow a birth plan to be really counterproductive. A list of preferences can be helpful in educating yourself about what might go on, but since every birth is different, there is a good chance that not every preference can or should be accommodated. Absolutely agree with this. I have had two births without pain relief except gas and air when they helped me expel the placenta (first birth) and when they manipulated baby’s head and my uterus into position to break my waters. Then later when they had to manually go into my cervix to remove blood clots after birth (both for second birth). Both births I had intended on going as low intervention as possible and had done prenatal yoga, labour meditation, swimming, all the supplements and teas. Both times things happened that took control completely out of my hands and meant I needed intervention. First time was episiotomy, ventouse and forceps after spontaneous labour at 41+3 that wasn’t progressing leading to maternal exhaustion and fetal distress. Second time was induction at 42 weeks after manual movement of baby into position (head not engaged). Neither were what I had expected, but the team of midwives and obstetricians were both assertive of the need to intervene while being supportive of my preferences. I avoided surgery and major pain relief and succeeded in delivering two healthy babies, but if a c section had been necessary for my health or baby’s, I know that they would have gone that route. I’m of the opinion that we’re in a sweet spot of medical progress and understanding of physiological processes of ‘natural’ labour where if things go wrong, people don’t die. If I had had either of my labours say 70 years, I would have died. Very thankful to have been under the care of skilled professionals both times.
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Jul 7, 2020 22:50
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Alterian posted:Unless she's had them recently, A LOT has changed in medicine over the years when it comes to pain management during labor. Oh believe me, I am aware! My sister had an epidural a few years back, and while it took, she didn't like how hard it made her ability to push. I am incorporating all of this information + my doctor + my doula + my own additional research while making decisions on how I want to manage pain. Edit: I think you may have interpreted my post as being anti-epidural, so I want to clarify that I think epidurals are great and very helpful for most people, just sharing my family's experience with it, which I thought was more "funny" than anything. Not trying to dissuade anyone from going for the epidural if they want it! Carotid fucked around with this message at 00:11 on Jul 8, 2020 |
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Jul 7, 2020 23:59
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I didn’t want an epidural because my mother had a bad complication from hers (in the 2000ss, with my brother) and because we heal somewhat similarly I didn’t want to run the risk. So I practiced pain management techniques and had a doula - and because I have super super fast labors, it was fine. I think I would have changed my tune if I needed an induction, or had a labor to more than a handful of hours. As someone else said, the benefit in the plan is in thinking through your preferences so you know your own mind. The whole thing can go out the window in a nanosecond. When I was working with my doula, she always emphasized the first thing in any plan should be ‘healthy mom, healthy baby’.
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Jul 8, 2020 16:45
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I didn’t want an epidural, but after 35 hours of active labor and four hours on a super high dose of pitocin with contractions starting again before they stopped, I got an epidural. It failed, and the initial block wore off pretty quick, but it was enough time to get a little break and eat some food. Ended up tearing, and the midwife started stitching without any anesthetic because she wasn’t aware that my epidural had failed. Totally missed my golden hour because of the stitches situation. Wanted all natural, ended up with pit, an epidural, artificial torture of membranes for times, an intrauterine pressure monitor, and lots of drugs when I hemorrhaged after the birth, so yeah.... definitely plan on your birth plan going out the window. If you can successfully follow your birth plan, it will be a special surprise!
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Jul 10, 2020 04:39
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Oh god that sounds terrible! I had originally planned to go to the local birth center, but then I learned that it is intended for all natural births. I don’t think I can commit to saying no drugs so I’ll be delivering at the hospital instead.
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Jul 10, 2020 05:52
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IUG posted:Yeah, my wife is 12 weeks right now. I had to watch the ultrasound over facetime while I sat in the parking lot. At least I could go into the waiting room that time, but it sucked that the first time I saw our first kid it's that way. Our next appointment will be a 3D ultrasound at a bigger hospital, and I can't even enter the building for that one. Yeah, that sucked. It sucked even worse when they found some indications of Not Good and now there's more tests and risk and we're both freaking out and miserable. At least we have eachother and some close family that knows, so we have some folks to talk to but man I was not hoping for this to be the start of our summer. I really hope it turns out okay. I have against advice been trying to look for resources that can help us learn more about risks and options, because I'm betting the docs are gonna go "well life is a risk, what can you do, so rolling those dice or...?" cause they don't want to force a decision and I don't want to be in that room unprepared. So if anyone has a good tip for a solid resource to learn more about early trisomy risks and tests and such I would be much obliged.
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Jul 10, 2020 11:03
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Nice piece of fish posted:I have against advice been trying to look for resources that can help us learn more about risks and options, because I'm betting the docs are gonna go "well life is a risk, what can you do, so rolling those dice or...?" cause they don't want to force a decision and I don't want to be in that room unprepared. So if anyone has a good tip for a solid resource to learn more about early trisomy risks and tests and such I would be much obliged. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope things work out well for you. Is your doctor able to refer you to a genetic counselor? In my experience, they are really skilled at actually talking about risks, potential outcomes, and the decisions surrounding testing and the pregnancy. Also, not sure where you are in your pregnancy, but is NIPT an option for you?
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Jul 10, 2020 11:37
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BadSamaritan posted:I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope things work out well for you. Is your doctor able to refer you to a genetic counselor? In my experience, they are really skilled at actually talking about risks, potential outcomes, and the decisions surrounding testing and the pregnancy. Also, not sure where you are in your pregnancy, but is NIPT an option for you? Thank you very much, I really appreciate it. We are in the early stages yet so we're probably going to be doing a battery of tests, but I'll make sure to ask for a consult with a genetic counselor which I'm sure the hospital has. Standard practice today appears to be NIPT after initial screening, and our hospital does them, so we will definitely ask.
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Jul 10, 2020 11:54
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So my bra ripped while I was putting it on this morning, which I’m taking as a sign that it’s time to get a bigger size. I’m not due for another 15 weeks. Do you gals think I should go for a maternity bra with an underwire so it’s more or less like a normal bra (with the caveat that it might end up being too small after I give birth), or just size up in a normal bra?
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Jul 10, 2020 13:14
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Silent Linguist posted:So my bra ripped while I was putting it on this morning, which I’m taking as a sign that it’s time to get a bigger size. I’m not due for another 15 weeks. Do you gals think I should go for a maternity bra with an underwire so it’s more or less like a normal bra (with the caveat that it might end up being too small after I give birth), or just size up in a normal bra? I don’t recommend anything with underwire. I’ve been getting discomfort under my breasts that feels like wearing a too tight underwire bra, even when I’m not wearing any bra. It makes it really hard to get comfortable. I imagine an underwire bra would make it way worse. I recommend getting a maternity/nursing bralette. That’s what I’ve been wearing for my pregnancy, but mine are finally too small now, so I’ve had to order a larger size online. They are quite comfy and will give you more room to grow if need be.
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Jul 10, 2020 13:40
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Silent Linguist posted:So my bra ripped while I was putting it on this morning, which I’m taking as a sign that it’s time to get a bigger size. I’m not due for another 15 weeks. Do you gals think I should go for a maternity bra with an underwire so it’s more or less like a normal bra (with the caveat that it might end up being too small after I give birth), or just size up in a normal bra? I wore the bravado essentials bras that don’t have underwire for literally years. It’s not like the most flattering silhouette ever but it’s fine and supportive enough and reasonably comfortable. Also cheap! Those suckers are like $30 which ain’t so bad. They’ve got some stretch in them so you will probably be fine post-partum.
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Jul 10, 2020 20:12
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Thanks guys, guess I’ll have to bite the bullet and go wireless.
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Jul 10, 2020 22:08
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Silent Linguist posted:Thanks guys, guess I’ll have to bite the bullet and go wireless. Embrace the maternity bras imo. I stupidly listened to a bra shop girl and just sized up in a normal bra and god drat it ended up being so painful and uncomfortable, totally useless post-partum and completely not the right size for me when I stopped breastfeeding. I got all my maternity bras here and they freaking rocked (they deliver to the US as well) and I was gutted to go back to normal bras.
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Jul 11, 2020 07:21
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Tamarillo posted:Embrace the maternity bras imo. This. My breasts changed so much during the last few months of pregnancy and even more so postpartum. 14 months post birth, I’m still not wearing my ‘old’ bras. imo anything but a maternity bra at this point will be a very temporary item and a bit of a waste of money. There are some maternity bras that provide cup sizing and some shaping while being wireless, if that is important to you- Kindred Bravely had some that I was comfortable wearing to work.
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Jul 11, 2020 11:30
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I make one comment on Facebook about how it kinda sucks to be pregnant during a pandemic and my cousin had a long response about how I should just see the positive and focus on my miracle because it’ll be over before I know it. I mean, I’m just saying it’s kinda depressing that all my baby apps are suggesting things I can’t do. Meet moms at prenatal classes, go swimming, have fun trying on maternity clothes, make sure you build a strong support network to help you out when the baby is born... Like, I’d love to do those things, but I can’t and that kinda sucks. My husband cant’t even come with me to doctor appointments. It’s a weird time to be pregnant. I haven’t seen my best friend in 4 months! My cousin asked if I had other friends who are pregnant or have young kids. Just my former coworker who I’d never hung out with outside of work. And there’s my other cousin who had a baby last year, but I haven’t seen or spoken to her since her baby shower. I’ve never even met her kid yet. I’m not going to try to suddenly force a bond that was never there. I’m not going to go chasing people and feel like I’m bothering them. I’ve done that song and dance before. My cousin mentioned my mom moving closer and she’ll be my support network, but her moving closer could potentially be years away. I love my mom, but I can’t and shouldn’t rely on her for everything. She’s working on cleaning out and selling her hoarder house. Also, 1 person does not a “solid support network” make. Hitting the third trimester has just made me sad about what I’ve missed out on and what I’ll never have. Overall, I’m doing okay, but it feels good to vent sometimes.
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Jul 15, 2020 01:52
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My wife just got in an at-home ultrasound microphone (or really just got the gel you need for it to work), so I got to really hear our daughter's heart beat for the first time that wasn't over facetime in the parking lot!
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Jul 15, 2020 03:27
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Nessa, that person was so insensitive. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. It is difficult enough to be pregnant and have a newborn when you aren't carrying the stress of a global pandemic on your shoulders, aside from all the restrictions and changes around pre/post natal care and delivery.
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Jul 15, 2020 03:51
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IUG posted:My wife just got in an at-home ultrasound microphone (or really just got the gel you need for it to work), so I got to really hear our daughter's heart beat for the first time that wasn't over facetime in the parking lot! Congrats! That must be so special for you!
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Jul 15, 2020 03:59
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marchantia posted:Nessa, that person was so insensitive. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. It is difficult enough to be pregnant and have a newborn when you aren't carrying the stress of a global pandemic on your shoulders, aside from all the restrictions and changes around pre/post natal care and delivery. Thanks, I know she meant well and is just trying to cheer me up. But sometimes you don’t want someone to force you to think about the positives and just be like, yeah, that sucks, man.
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Jul 15, 2020 04:05
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Nessa, have you heard of toxic positivity? That’s that person. Regardless of their good intentions. You have every right to be sad about the things you’re missing out on and to grieve the pregnancy experiences you should’ve been able to have. There’s nothing normal about these times and it’s all incredibly upsetting. I’m getting really sad because even though my baby was born in January in the beforetimes, most of my family didn’t get to meet him yet and now I have no idea when they will. It sucks.
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Jul 15, 2020 07:42
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I empathize with you so much Nessa, it was sad and disappointing not having my partner at the first ultrasound and midwife appointments. I feel fortunate to be in New Zealand where everything's mostly back to normal, but it's looking unlikely that my parents or in-laws (who live in the US/UK) will be allowed to visit anytime soon, a fact that has reduced me to tears on multiple occasions. We'll get through it, of course, but things just suck right now and no one should make you feel bad for pointing that out.
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Jul 15, 2020 09:06
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Oh yeah, toxic positivity. That’s what it is for sure. She also just told me that she understands that the world isn’t great right now, but the baby feels what I feel, so I need to try to be happy. Like, what? I feel for anyone whose family can’t visit either. I’m sure one of the joys of having a baby is being able to show them off as an adorable infant. I remember being so glad to meet my cousin’s newborn when he was only 4 weeks old. Getting to meet baby for the first time is a big deal! I’m fortunate that things aren’t so bad here that I can’t have small gatherings and am able to plan a small backyard baby shower for August. But I know my Oma, who is 93, has been unwell in the last year and isolating at home. I worry she might never be able to meet her great granddaughter before she passes away. I ended up breaking down last night after weeks of built up stress. My husband wanted baby’s middle name to honour someone, so he wanted to honour his longtime female friend. However, due to a falling out that was all my fault, she hates me and hasn’t spoken to me for a year and a half. She was going to try to mend bridges in September, but she cancelled last minute and we haven’t heard from her since. I really thought I was okay with the name, but hitting the third trimester made me think about how she still isn’t part of our lives again and will likely never meet this child. And thinking that I am going to name my child after someone who hates my guts and always will... that hurts. My husband said we still have time to change the name if it really bothers me and asked if I had anyone I’d like to honour. I don’t. :/
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Jul 15, 2020 15:41
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Nessa posted:Oh yeah, toxic positivity. That’s what it is for sure. She also just told me that she understands that the world isn’t great right now, but the baby feels what I feel, so I need to try to be happy. Like, what? Yeah the naming thing sounds like a recipe for disaster. I’d go neutral on the name and save the potential for drama. My first daughter is named after my deceased mother, but my newborn is not named after anyone. Don’t feel pressured, both the kid and you have to live with the name and attached baggage.
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Jul 15, 2020 15:48
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I agree, that middle name situation wouldn’t sit right with me either. I’m seeing the middle name as an opportunity to get weird with it. Middle names hardly ever come up anyway, may as well pick something fun!
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Jul 15, 2020 15:57
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Choose whatever you want for a middle name! They don’t have to be in honor of anyone. Naming a child after someone who is still alive will always carry a risk that the relationship will somehow change. Like someone else said, they never come up so if you want to do something unusual you can. Our daughter’s middle name is a folklore goddess. Or you could go traditional with a common middle name. It sounds like no matter what it needs to change.
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Jul 15, 2020 16:19
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Nessa posted:I make one comment on Facebook about how it kinda sucks to be pregnant during a pandemic and my cousin had a long response about how I should just see the positive and focus on my miracle because it’ll be over before I know it. I mean, I’m just saying it’s kinda depressing that all my baby apps are suggesting things I can’t do. Meet moms at prenatal classes, go swimming, have fun trying on maternity clothes, make sure you build a strong support network to help you out when the baby is born... Like, I’d love to do those things, but I can’t and that kinda sucks. My husband cant’t even come with me to doctor appointments. You have been through so much with the issues you've stated earlier on in the thread. You've had expectations for a long time about being pregnant and all these hopes... and this pandemic has crushed them. You can be positive and focus on your miracle and mourn the loss of your pregnancy expectations at the same time. Your friend might mean well but is being a jerk - humans are capable of having lots of emotions at one time. Personally, I'm not a social being. I barely got through the baby shower without wanting to curl up in a closet and disappear. But I can see how many women love the social aspect of being pregnant and being with others and sharing experiences and knowledge. And after the baby came, there were times when I wished I wanted my mother around, because I was tired. But I hate having people other than husband in my "space". We went at it completely alone with no outside support. It's doable! But it's hard. But that was my choice. You don't have a choice, and that makes it even tougher. But you're strong, and you'll get through it. IIRC, you're in Canada. You guys are a lot better off than we are down here, so at least you have that going for you. This pandemic will end a lot sooner for you guys.
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Jul 15, 2020 16:26
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