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Hey klapman, I read what you wrote, and I'm glad you were able to feel something out of writing it. Just wanted to acknowledge what happened to you and offer support if you need it.
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Sep 4, 2020 01:44
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PooInAnAlleyway posted:I think they meant to write ‘cut out to help’, that’s how it looks to me anyway. That was meant to be the joke 
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Sep 4, 2020 02:05
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StrixNebulosa posted:I'm not 100% on if this one goes in this thread but boy howdy is it an estrangement: This woman should estrange her head from her body
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Sep 4, 2020 02:19
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StrixNebulosa posted:I'm not 100% on if this one goes in this thread but boy howdy is it an estrangement: quote:people who take on an LGBTQ identity to be trendy. they are trans aren't they gently caress
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Sep 4, 2020 02:46
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Ooh, being trans could tie into the "change your name" thing, too (although these kind of people usually a name change as a deadly insult).
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Sep 4, 2020 02:53
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no the namechange thing feels more like they are being excommunicated. the thing about leaving your hometown and cutting all ties to your friends and family used to be incredibly common, and when hrt became available, basically required to get treatment. its not now but queer kids getting thrown onto the street by their parents isn't exactly uncommon. transtrender is a super common insult thrown at young afab people, supported by the rhetoric of people like JK Rowling going on about Our Lost Girls like my reading of this is coloured by the fact im trans but it sets off alarms, especially that trender part. The part about the son keeping toxic secrets too, it reads like the other child is trans and didn't want mummy dearest to know but they told their brother and then mum found out somehow.
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Sep 4, 2020 02:58
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I read "takes on an LGBTQ identity to be trendy" more as bi-erasure and bi-phobia. But much like the poster above reads it as trans-phobia because they themselves are trans, I am most likely doing the same thing. Either way, this womans daughter is LGBTQ, and she is waving it away with "no you're not. no daughter is mine is one of them filthy perverts. You are just an attention seeking loser.". Following it up with "it would be best for everyone if you changed your surname so you won't be associated with us, and moved away and we never saw each other again." And don't discount the anger of the brother, who probably grew up watching his sister being emotionally abused by this monster, and has been offering support to her for as long as he has at the attack on his already vulnerable sister. If the poor daughter had done what her mum suggested and cut of contact, he would not have known why and would be devastated and blame himself.
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Sep 4, 2020 03:45
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BrigadierSensible posted:I read "takes on an LGBTQ identity to be trendy" more as bi-erasure and bi-phobia. But much like the poster above reads it as trans-phobia because they themselves are trans, I am most likely doing the same thing.  I did the exact same thing.
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Sep 4, 2020 03:53
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so cool and trendy 2 b a minority ppl dunk on
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Sep 4, 2020 03:58
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StrixNebulosa posted:I'm not 100% on if this one goes in this thread but boy howdy is it an estrangement: So much to unpack with this one but it’s better to just throw the entire loving suitcase into a skip.
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Sep 4, 2020 03:59
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Miss Broccoli posted:so cool and trendy 2 b a minority ppl dunk on I mean, am I cool and trendy? Yes, yes I am. But it has so little to do with my orientation or gender.
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Sep 4, 2020 04:00
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Miss Broccoli posted:so cool and trendy 2 b a minority ppl dunk on no but you see it's cool and trendy to be a REBEL against SOCIETY punk rock hail satan 666 and it's a phase that their precious children will grow out of because that's what all teenage rebels do
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Sep 4, 2020 05:20
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I'm almost 40 and I just keep gettin' gayer! Sorry, parents. Did anyone else's parents communicate almost entirely in picking on you, jabs, and just straight up nonstop insults all the time? And, like. Mine never drop it. They'll fixate on a thing they can make fun of me for decades. I liked a movie once in the 1990s that they did not and they STILL make fun of me for it. It just comes up in conversation sometimes it's insane. It's nuts but to be honest the way they cannot stop needling me and making fun of every little thing I like bothers me way more than the time my dad pulled a gun on me. I guess because that was a one off incident but the digs never end. Sometimes I have a real conversation with them and it's like coming up for air after being underwater. They actually seem to be doing it less lately? I snapped at them a while back about it and maybe it woke them up that I hate it, I don't know. Me and my dad have so much in common, I wish we got along better. I keep meaning to call them, I haven't talked to them since April, and you know, pandemic and all I should check in on them... I feel guilty.
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Sep 4, 2020 05:38
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Skratte posted:I'm almost 40 and I just keep gettin' gayer! I think we need to know the movie.
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Sep 4, 2020 05:43
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It was the Blair Witch Project. Man they HATED it. I thought it was neat and interesting at the time.
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Sep 4, 2020 05:51
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Yeah, that's a weird thing to seize on.
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Sep 4, 2020 05:57
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Skratte posted:I liked a movie once in the 1990s that they did not and they STILL make fun of me for it. You deserve to be made fun of for liking Cool as Ice. I’m sorry, but that’s just how things have to be.
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Sep 4, 2020 05:58
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Sometimes this thread is good because I remember messed up things about my childhood and can relate them to others, and feel like I'm not the only one. It's also good if I feel like a lovely parent then I just need to read some of this stuff and be like, I can do better but at least I'm not doing that! Parenting is hard as poo poo though.
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Sep 4, 2020 08:27
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Blue Moonlight posted:You deserve to be made fun of for liking Cool as Ice. I’m sorry, but that’s just how things have to be. Respectfully disagree. A movie where Vanilla Ice rides an awesome motorbike, and teaches a small town the joy and beauty of rap. What monster would not love this? Also, young me would have killed for a jacket like Vanilla Ice wore on the cover of the video. Old me would merely maim for it.
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Sep 4, 2020 09:06
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I got teased for my interests a lot. I really like whales but lived on the prairie so obsessing over whales was dumb. They made fun of music videos, songs, TV shows. There was a town we would drive by often that had a mental hospital in it, biggest one in the province. Every time we passed, they'd laugh about how we had to pullover and drop Picnic Princess off at the crazy house! Kind of stung considering I was already chronically depressed and anxious by age 6 and suicidal and suffeirng from gender dysphoria by age 12. I kind of always thought I would end up there someday. So far managed to stay out of it 
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Sep 4, 2020 10:19
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Skratte posted:Did anyone else's parents communicate almost entirely in picking on you, jabs, and just straight up nonstop insults all the time? And, like. Mine never drop it. They'll fixate on a thing they can make fun of me for decades. I liked a movie once in the 1990s that they did not and they STILL make fun of me for it. It just comes up in conversation sometimes it's insane. Yes, this. Everything I was into that they weren’t was the subject of endless mockery, by both them, my sister and my youngest brother. Eventually I stopped telling them things I liked since nothing I was interested in was good enough for them to either ignore or actually be interested in themselves, so it got to a point where they were telling people I still liked things I had long ago lost interest in because of them. BrigadierSensible posted:Respectfully disagree. A movie where Vanilla Ice rides an awesome motorbike, and teaches a small town the joy and beauty of rap. What monster would not love this? A movie where Vanilla Ice, the protagonist, tries to Christopher Reeve his love interest at first sight. My fiancé hated it.
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Sep 4, 2020 11:32
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Skratte posted:I'm almost 40 and I just keep gettin' gayer! Sorry, parents. This something about boomers in general. Their idea of dialogue is a never ending series of quips and snide/snarky comments. It’s not natural but it is reflected in a lot of media as well as experience with them.
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Sep 4, 2020 11:59
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Picnic Princess posted:I got teased for my interests a lot. I really like whales but lived on the prairie so obsessing over whales was dumb. They made fun of music videos, songs, TV shows. Hey I think I had relatives in that place!
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Sep 4, 2020 13:12
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Dirt Road Junglist posted:Hey klapman, I read what you wrote, and I'm glad you were able to feel something out of writing it. Just wanted to acknowledge what happened to you and offer support if you need it. e: ahhh, excellent, drunk posted. 
klapman fucked around with this message at 06:13 on Sep 5, 2020 |
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Sep 4, 2020 13:18
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Blue Moonlight posted:You deserve to be made fun of for liking Cool as Ice. I’m sorry, but that’s just how things have to be. You can bad mouth academy award winning cinematographer Janusz Kamiński somewhere else, but you can't do it here.
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Sep 4, 2020 13:40
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Wutang-Yutani CORP posted:This something about boomers in general. Their idea of dialogue is a never ending series of quips and snide/snarky comments. It’s not natural but it is reflected in a lot of media as well as experience with them. This would explain a lot about Joss Whedon
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Sep 4, 2020 14:07
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Wutang-Yutani CORP posted:This something about boomers in general. Their idea of dialogue is a never ending series of quips and snide/snarky comments. It’s not natural but it is reflected in a lot of media as well as experience with them. I still have a lot of sensitive buttons that can be pressed based on this. That feeling of doing something, getting made fun of for it, getting frustrated about *getting* made fun of, and then getting made fun of *more*, is just too much. Sometimes my brain will travel back to that feeling of being trapped in a corner and being mocked and it's a horrible feeling.
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Sep 4, 2020 16:17
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Klapman, I read all that and I want to offer my sympathies. I think you've done well to survive. I think having something like that written up for a prospective therapist would help a lot. I hope things continue to improve for you.
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Sep 4, 2020 18:03
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PooInAnAlleyway posted:Yes, this. Everything I was into that they weren’t was the subject of endless mockery, by both them, my sister and my youngest brother. Eventually I stopped telling them things I liked since nothing I was interested in was good enough for them to either ignore or actually be interested in themselves, so it got to a point where they were telling people I still liked things I had long ago lost interest in because of them. Yeah my parents think I still like the same stuff I liked when I was 12 because that's when I stopped telling them about stuff I liked. And they use that to make fun of me for liking childish things. It's just all one long joke to them. I mentioned a TV show I thought was good to them a few months back and now whenever I think about it I just feel anxious. Are they going to hate it and then mock me for it for years? (It was The Tick)
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Sep 4, 2020 18:14
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My grandparents, and my parents back before going no contact, would refuse to believe my interests and tastes changed from whatever fragments of my childhood they remember. That's how at the restaurant for my birthday dinner I ordered a dish with onions in it and my grandma spent 15 minutes arguing with me that I don't like onions.
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Sep 4, 2020 18:38
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Ghost Leviathan posted:This would explain a lot about Joss Whedon Joss Whedon is Gen X af Skratte posted:I mentioned a TV show I thought was good to them a few months back and now whenever I think about it I just feel anxious. Are they going to hate it and then mock me for it for years? (It was The Tick) Anyone who dislikes The Tick voids their right to have an opinion on anything.
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Sep 4, 2020 19:48
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Man, my parents used to mock me for anything I liked too, to the point I would avoid or hide my interests. They weren't abusive but I identify with a shocking amount of the stuff in this thread, which has led me to reading a LOT about CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) and like, yikes. Turns out all the negative parts of my childhood (that they convinced me I misremembered) might have hosed me up after all.
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Sep 4, 2020 20:30
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My bandmate isn't famous, per se, but he's a legend within his genre, and being in a band with him was an enormous opportunity for me. My parents have never understood my musical goals. I remember asking them for a bass guitar in my early teens, and they told me no, that's expensive and silly. (One of the first things I bought after high school was a used P-Bass Special and 100w amp.) I was told getting a keyboard was silly, too, even as I was teaching myself music production on the basement computer. I never made a play to get my music recognized because I assumed I was too far behind and didn't know what I was doing, so it was a shock when I met this legendary musical figure and he told me I should have contacted him sooner. I'm currently signed on my favorite record label, I have multiple recording and engineering credits, and I'm a part owner, and I could have been doing this a decade ago if I hadn't felt like it wasn't worth the effort. The worst was when we were invited to play in Ukraine. Turns out my bandmate is legitimately famous in Eastern Europe. I mean, we got recognized by a guy who was sharing a van with us between Kiyv and Odessa, which still blows my loving mind. My parents didn't want me to go. They called me repeatedly in the weeks while I was packing and rehearsing to tell me not to go. Biggest loving opportunity of my musical career, plus an all expenses paid trip to a country I've always wanted to visit, and you think you can call me and tell me not to go? gently caress off. I could have put up with this, because I have been putting up with it for my entire life, but we set up a Facetime call so my bandmate could join in and tell them how important this was for us. My mom said, verbatim: "I hope you're never too successful. Like, it's okay to be successful, but not too successful." Just...imagine that. You're about to live your dream, and your mom is like, "That's nice, but I hope you kinda suck." I know she intended it like, "I want you to be safe, and people with a high profile are often not safe," but for gently caress's sake. Say what you mean, and if you're a parent, never loving stomp on your kid's art like that.
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Sep 5, 2020 00:28
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Peanut Butter posted:Man, my parents used to mock me for anything I liked too, to the point I would avoid or hide my interests. They weren't abusive but I identify with a shocking amount of the stuff in this thread, which has led me to reading a LOT about CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) and like, yikes. Turns out all the negative parts of my childhood (that they convinced me I misremembered) might have hosed me up after all. Count me in as someone who didn't have explicitly abusive parents, but who identifies with a lot of stuff in this thread. My dad would always tease me for my interests and make jokes out of the stuff I liked, to the point where now at 31 I justify everything I do to death. My mom pretty much never showed any real interest in the things I did or said so I just stopped sharing deeper stuff with her. I still talk to my mom, it's just mostly me saying everything is fine, and then she tells me family gossip for an hour. My dad doesn't bother keeping in contact.
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Sep 5, 2020 00:48
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My psychiatrist was telling me there's 3 fundamental parenting styles: the plant, the clay, and neglect. The parent can plants you and you flourish through great care and support, or they try to mold you forcefully into what the want, or they do neither. There can be a lot of overlap and combinations depending on situations, so it's not uncommon for mostly good people to screw up in some ways, and that's normal and pretty okay. It's when it becomes so consistent and normal with the good bouts few and far between or completely nonexistent altogether that kids end up becoming extremely messed up basketcases. And for a lot of us, part of the healing process is to escape the perpetrators permanently, especially if they haven't changed and refuse to acknowledge that what they did was awful and wrong.
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Sep 5, 2020 01:30
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Dirt Road Junglist posted:My bandmate isn't famous, per se, but he's a legend within his genre, and being in a band with him was an enormous opportunity for me. My parents have never understood my musical goals. I remember asking them for a bass guitar in my early teens, and they told me no, that's expensive and silly. (One of the first things I bought after high school was a used P-Bass Special and 100w amp.) I was told getting a keyboard was silly, too, even as I was teaching myself music production on the basement computer. Congrats on your successes, you worked hard for those and you deserve them! I hope you go on to many more successes because honestly that's brilliant, fantastic!!
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Sep 5, 2020 01:34
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big dyke energy posted:
I also have never thought of my parents/family life as particularly abusive, or traumatic. What you describe, I have always thought of as normal. I have never understood the people who feel the need to call their parents once a day, and who share intimate details of their lives with them. And have mean spiritedly judged them as weird and clingy. For most of the past 10 years I have lived in various countries overseas, and even then the most I got and the most I wanted was a 10 minute call maybe once a month where Dad tells me the football/cricket scores and mum tells me what she has been sewing. Now, due to COVID-19, I am back at home in their spare bedroom during lockdown, and the relationship is still much the same even though we are now staying in the same house. This is not to say we don't love each other, etc. I think it's just that, even from late childhood, we led our own separate lives. To add a thing which in my case is minor, but the others in this thread with really bad parents may identify with: One of the reasons I don't share any important of meaningful details/themes of my life with my parents is that the less they know, the less they will try and shoehorn themselves into, and thus the less I have to deal with the hassle. They have a magnificent ability to make even the smallest of things into a production and a hassle. Turning things that should be simple, easy and fun, into complicated extended chores filled with resentment and stress. The other thing, and this is another petty annoyance that others may identify with is: I remember as a small child I had done some project or other for school. I was happy with it, so I showed my mum. She declared it was not good enough, why was I wasting my talent, why did I not show any pride in my work etc. and then proceeded to "jazz it up" (the exact phrase she used) and make it better. This happened many times, so that the lesson I learned was that "having pride in my work" actually meant "letting my mum do it so it will meet her expectations". So I stopped showing her stuff 1) to avoid the hassle, and 2)because I was happy/proud of MY work, and I didn't care if her work got a better mark or whatever, I liked MY work, and didn't want her to make it better. So now, they don't get to hear much of my triumphs or tragedies. I fully understand that these are minor things compared to the abuse some of you have suffered, and I do not want to make light of your suffering and bravery by comparing it to my tiny annoyances.
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Sep 5, 2020 01:34
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big dyke energy posted:Count me in as someone who didn't have explicitly abusive parents, but who identifies with a lot of stuff in this thread. This post is plagiarizing my narrative. Though, my Dad was also an abusive drunk at times. I remember being stiff and afraid despite him trying to pal around and play, he didn't take kindly to my fear of him, which of course led to him demonstrating why it was justified. I also have my sneak skill tagged for the same reason as many of you.
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Sep 5, 2020 02:20
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I never thought of it as abusive either until much later, like in retrospect. Like I'd be telling friends or my husband about stuff and they just have this look on their faces like wtf. Oh, haha, you know how sometimes you parents just haul up and beat you haha you know? Or the time dad broke down my bedroom door because he was mad and so on. I just thought it was normal. I mean, hell, the school principal got to beat me too, so I guess it's just normal to beat children. Turns out I was just one of the last generations to get corporal punishment because The South. The beatings were pretty rare and they were framed as punishments so I just rationalized that away as normal. I'm glad to say, though, that if I had children, I wouldn't be one of those "Well I got hit and I turned out fine so I'm going to hit my kids!" assholes. Unfortunately I don't want kids. Whoops. I'm glad my parents at least don't hassle me about that. My sister spat out like 5 kids, so I guess they're all grand-kidded up. I get to watch from a distance while they play favorites with their grandkids like they did with my sister and I.
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Sep 5, 2020 05:56
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"That was for doing nothing. Just wait till you do something"
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Sep 5, 2020 06:05
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