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The college was calling her to tell her that her adult son was misbehaving in his classes? Yeah, right.
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Sep 11, 2020 14:45
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RoboRodent posted:The college was calling her to tell her that her adult son was misbehaving in his classes? I suppose it might happen if he was a freshman who wasn't a legal adult and got in huge, massive trouble. At 18 it would be a FERPA violation. Related note, I'm a university professor and you'd be amazed how often estranged parents contact me demanding information on their 25yo son/daughter.
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Sep 11, 2020 14:52
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RoboRodent posted:The college was calling her to tell her that her adult son was misbehaving in his classes? "Your child is failing and might have to pay us *more* money to retake classes. Please do something about this, quickly!" Lady chose to keep a child at 18 and is *still* holding a grudge against said kid over the life they *could* have had instead. Yeah, that wont bleed out in totally unhealthy ways and your kid totally won't feel the resentment and misdirected blame *at all*.
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Sep 11, 2020 14:55
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I can totally see one of those inexplicably accredited christian colleges whose whole deal is blind obedience to the rules doing that, I guess.
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Sep 11, 2020 15:09
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There's a lot about that story that makes me question how much of the father situation was genuine negligence -- which could be true, for all we know -- and how much of it could have been the mother playing keep-away with her bouncing burden baby.
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Sep 11, 2020 15:21
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Did anyone else develop depression in high school/early adulthood? How did your parents react to that? My parents didn't believe that I had depression and refused to take me to see a doctor about it and told me they'd call the cops if I took their car to drive myself to a doctor. Due to a lack of mental health support, I botched a suicide attempt in my last year of high school and had to go to the hospital. My parents were mad at me, but not for trying to kill myself. They were upset that they had to pick me up from the hospital. They proceeded to make fun of me for having "an episode" (as they called it) and bring it up at literally every family gathering as if it's a funny anecdote.
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Sep 11, 2020 15:28
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Dr.D-O posted:Did anyone else develop depression in high school/early adulthood? How did your parents react to that? 
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Sep 11, 2020 15:36
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Dr.D-O posted:Did anyone else develop depression in high school/early adulthood? How did your parents react to that? My mother informed me that I was just a kid and had nothing to be depressed about and then went on a 20 minute rant about how stressful her life was. She eventually petered out when she forgot what started the conversation. A month later she let me know I could share anything with her and she'd be there to support me. Hilarious.
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Sep 11, 2020 15:50
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ElHuevoGrande posted:My mother informed me that I was just a kid and had nothing to be depressed about and then went on a 20 minute rant about how stressful her life was. She eventually petered out when she forgot what started the conversation. A month later she let me know I could share anything with her and she'd be there to support me. Hilarious. Sibling? Is it really you???
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Sep 11, 2020 15:52
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trickybiscuits posted:DWIL Nation might be useful. It's almost all married women with children but they're very good at understanding issues and interpreting things that people (posters and their family members both) say or write. thanks! he's a bit lonely feeling about this and going somewhere like this seems like a good place for him to start processibg everything. his mom is losing her marbles over bring estranged so any support for him is a big help Dr.D-O posted:Did anyone else develop depression in high school/early adulthood? How did your parents react to that? Thank You Card fucked around with this message at 15:58 on Sep 11, 2020 |
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Sep 11, 2020 15:54
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Dr.D-O posted:Did anyone else develop depression in high school/early adulthood? How did your parents react to that? I developed depression and suicidal thoughts by grade 4, I had social anxiety even earlier than that. When my grades plummetted from honor roll to near failing, I was told I was just being lazy because I used to be so smart! They joked about sending me to the crazy house, forced me to go to doctors then took medication away because they didn't trust me with it. I did admit suicidal thoughts once in grade 7 and I got to skip half a day because I had been crying for hours and going to school with puffy eyes would just make kids bully me probably. Can't have people know you need help! Just hide it!
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Sep 11, 2020 15:55
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Picnic Princess posted:Can't have people know you need help! Just hide it! I feel like this is one of the boomer mantras.
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Sep 11, 2020 16:14
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Dr.D-O posted:I feel like this is one of the boomer mantras. The problem is how hard of a habit it is to break when you finally get away from the boomer.
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Sep 11, 2020 16:20
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I begged my mum to get me some mental health help and she scoffed and shrugged like it was an impossible demand. Also once told me to go outside because I was crying too loud.
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Sep 11, 2020 16:35
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Dr.D-O posted:Did anyone else develop depression in high school/early adulthood? How did your parents react to that? I think I made mention of this previously in the thread, but along with puberty depression hit me bad. I withdrew, stopped talking to people etc. My dad openly mocked me/belittled me; like calling me 'Marcel Marceau' because I didn't say anything at dinner. They figured I was just being a ~difficult teen girl~. I had a suicide attempt not long after I turned 13, by downing a whole bottle of pills. My parents berated me for being 'stupid' and 'lashing out for attention' and that if I was being bullied at school just let it roll off your back. And if I had that much energy to do something like that, I should instead do something positive like bake cookies. They also only took me to the ER the next day when I couldn't stop vomiting. I saw the school counselor once, and a child psychologist for two sessions, with my parents in the room talking over me and correcting/steering my answers the entire time. It was never spoken about again. Years later when I was finally seeing a counselor in grad school, my dad made some lovely comment about 'you're not better yet?' and when I brought up my suicide attempt, they acted positively scandalized I mentioned it, because 'You weren't serious about that!'
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Sep 11, 2020 16:39
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I had my first panic attack at age 10. I didn’t know what it was back then, just that I got really sick feeling from losing something I couldn’t immediately replace and it spiraled quickly. Also, if your partner ever says, “why are you still in therapy? If you’re not fixed yet, she must be incompetent.” That’s...not how therapy works.
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Sep 11, 2020 17:03
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e: wrong thread, not gonna leave it in the middle of this conversation
TheKennedys fucked around with this message at 19:15 on Sep 11, 2020 |
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Sep 11, 2020 17:06
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Dirt Road Junglist posted:I had my first panic attack at age 10. I didn’t know what it was back then, just that I got really sick feeling from losing something I couldn’t immediately replace and it spiraled quickly. "Why are you still seeing a doctor, they must be incompetent if they haven't fixed you." At 19 I tried to schedule my annual physical with the doctor. My dad told me adults don't do physicals and only go to the doctor when sick. So for 10 years I didn't do annual checkups until I hit 28. Saw the doctor then because I almost died of complications from multiple hereditary conditions my parents also didn't tell my siblings and I we were at risk for. E: I suspect my dad's doctor aversion was either because they told him to do less drugs or because he'd once again lost a job because drugs and was trying to cover it up unt he got another one and we didn't have insurance at the time.
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Sep 11, 2020 17:10
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Soylent Pudding posted:"Why are you still seeing a doctor, they must be incompetent if they haven't fixed you." Not wanting to go to the doctor is intensely American Also an annual physical is one of the few things that most American insurance plans will cover in full
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Sep 11, 2020 18:07
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Dirt Road Junglist posted:“when I fell pregnant” It's the standard British idiom.
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Sep 11, 2020 18:14
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Dirt Road Junglist posted:I had my first panic attack at age 10. I didn’t know what it was back then, just that I got really sick feeling from losing something I couldn’t immediately replace and it spiraled quickly. I realize this anecdote isn't directly related to the thread topic, but I feel like it's relevant to this post. I've had mental health problems since I was very young, but I didn't have my first panic attack until I was in my 20s. I woke up feeling very much like how you describe - like I'd lost something and couldn't find it. At the time, I was in grad school to be trained as a psychologist (masters-level, not doctorate). I spoke to my supervisor about it. She was a full-fledged practising clinical psychologist who works with anxious kids and she literally couldn't tell me what was wrong. Neither could the campus psychologist, my doctor, or my parents (who I told only out of desperation). All of them basically framed it as a "me problem" and not a mental health issue - despite most of them having medical or mental health training. It's real scary having regular panic attacks and no mental health support, even from the people that are supposed to provide it.
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Sep 11, 2020 18:24
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Soylent Pudding posted:"Why are you still seeing a doctor, they must be incompetent if they haven't fixed you." Ugh this brought back some recent awful memories. Getting my Lyme diagnosis was a huge struggle, because 40 year old data showed there was no Lyme in my province. GPs are trained with this old data. Obtaining new data is highly political because acknowledging climate change exists and has changed the situation goes against our oil industry which we cling to like a cult. So going through provincial health care was near impossible. I don't blame the individual doctors for not being up to speed because the system won't provide them with new research and medical developments. It's a whole thing and very frustrating but I've managed to find help elsewhere. But good lord, anytime I vented a tiny bit of frustration on social media, certain family members responded with "WELL IF YOUR IDIOT DOCTOR WASNT SUCH A loving R***RD YOU COULD GET BETTER, YOU NEED TO FIND A DIFFERENT DOCTOR BECAUSE YOURS IS A STUPID BITCH" And honestly reading poo poo like that was worse than running into medical dead ends. My doctor was fine, she just wasn't given the resources to help with a rare disese and while it sucks, I would never personally attack her like that. I had to filter so many posts after a while because there was just so much viciousness left on them. I don't think any of them even noticed I deleted a lot of what they said, they just lashed out and then instantly stopped giving a poo poo lmao
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Sep 11, 2020 18:33
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I developed intense anxiety and depression by the time i was in second grade, mostly because i was autistic and didn't receive any help for it. I had a panic attack my freshman year of high school and was convinced that i was going to throw myself out of the window i was sitting next to in class on the third story, so i told my mom about it and she promptly took me to the psyche ER and had me committed to a stay in the children's psyche ward for two weeks. My mental health got better because i want around her, oddly enough. Then came a year of bouncing from pill to pill until i was on Wellbutrin XL (a black box prescription) at age 14 and i took five pills at once as an unconscious suicide attempt and gave myself a seizure disorder that i still have. I attempted to overdose on a couple other meds in the next year but i was dumb and Tylenol and Benadryl don't work like that. Anyways, my grandmother still brings up the "episode" i had with the window and laughingly asks me if other furniture "talks to me" because i had explained as feeling like the window was telling me to jump out of it. Also my mother never forgave me for embarrassing her for being in the psyche ward even though it was her decision. E: it was also intensely embarrassing for her that i allowed her co-workers that lived around town to see me being homeless after her and my dad both kicked me out number 1 snake fan fucked around with this message at 03:27 on Sep 12, 2020 |
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Sep 12, 2020 00:46
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I want to Falcon Punch every single one of these lovely family members into oblivion.
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Sep 12, 2020 01:07
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I was in 3rd grade when I started banging my head against the wall, and my parents took me to therapy where they had me play with toys and asked me questions. At the time, the therapist, at a hospital, seemed pathetic to me, so I just tried to say the right things so I didn't miss class time. In 4th grade my dad was put inpatient for therapy because he broke down at his job. He ended up taking a demotion and pay cut so he didn't have to be in charge of people anymore. In, I think, 8th grade I was sent back to therapy because at camp I chased a complete rear end in a top hat with a knife in my hand. For a whole week he had been pissing at my tent and it smelled awful, and then he went to do it again and I just snapped. I'm lucky no one got the law involved. At college, I tried to schedule all my calls home when my dad was at work so I didn't have to talk to him. He had an extremely short fuse, but it was never physical, just yelling. The idea that it was abuse is still something I'm trying to wrap my head around. According to my mom things got exponentially worse after I went to college. My private theory was that he was jealous because he couldn't afford to go, and he was really a smart guy who probably would have thrived. Instead, he married my mom straight out of high school. At 20 my dad killed himself. At one point I believe he was on antipsychotics, but mostly he self medicated with cigarettes and alcohol, which he tried hard to hide. It's possible he was ashamed because I was unemployed at the time. I think he was manic depressive because he was tired all the time except suddenly he'd get into something new and the next few weeks he was excited and engaged and not really sleeping so he could work on it. I've noticed the same tendency in myself, but I'm on pills, and pills and pills and pills. I get anxiety attacks, but more often my anxiety manifests as physical pain in my jaw. Up to about a 6. My brother was pretty much broken by everything and lives mostly in his room, has never had a girlfriend, never did college/trade school and works a limited amount of time as a bartender at the firehall half a block away. As far as I know he takes no medication. Tldr; bleh
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Sep 12, 2020 02:29
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All of the kids that my mother has raised have learned how to cry themselves to sleep silently by age five. My little sister told me when she was in first grade that she wished she had never been born and i had a meltdown about it in health class the next day bc we were talking about mental health. Soaking of mental health, my mom's therapist that's she's been seeing since she was pregnant with me is a complete narcissistic Boomer enabler and when i went to a joint session with them they made fun of me, gaslit me, and laughed at me the whole time.
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Sep 12, 2020 03:32
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Beachcomber posted:It's possible he was ashamed because I was unemployed at the time. Yo, please don't put that on yourself. You didn't cause anything. You're not responsible for any of it. You have a life to live, and at 20 especially, there's no justification for feeling like what he did is something you caused.
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Sep 12, 2020 05:47
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Not to derail, but my grandmother (who was the stay-at-home figure when I was growing up) hit EVERY single one of the items on that checklist a few pages back. I want to curl up in a fetal position and just scream into the abyss. It's no wonder that I'm so emotionally messed up. I remember begging her for help getting therapy and her saying "You're 17, what do you have to be depressed about?" when I was literally so depressed that food was tasteless mush and I operated on like 3 hours of sleep most nights after sobbing myself into exhaustion. If she hadn't died when I was like 23, I would have literally cut off pretty much my entire extended family just to free myself from her. Dirt Road Junglist posted:Yo, please don't put that on yourself. You didn't cause anything. You're not responsible for any of it. You have a life to live, and at 20 especially, there's no justification for feeling like what he did is something you caused. Seconding this. As someone that was gaslit and repeatedly convinced that my abuses were brought onto myself as a kid, I can tell you that its not. You did not kill him. Not even indirectly. Parents (and similar figures) blaming their kids for their depression instead of seeking real help is sadly way too common, but it is also false. You didn't cause it. It was not your fault. I know I'm just a random voice on the internet, but I promise you. It was not your fault. He should have sought help, for himself and for you--his child. But it was never your fault.
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Sep 12, 2020 13:26
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My mom recognized my decent into depression during high school, but instead of acknowledging it to myself, I chose to treat her horribly and blame her for a lot of problems. Then in college it finally set it that my brain wasn’t working right and got medication and eventually help. My mom is awesome tho, sorry some of your moms kinda suck. They sound like the product of a society that has deemed mental health as not a real thing for wayyyyy to long, and I just got lucky enough to have a mom who was a nurse and had dealt with her own issues.
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Sep 12, 2020 16:20
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There was kind of an interesting article in the NYT where they interviewed a Cornell sociologist about his new book about estrangement: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/10/...mp_id=124288462
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Sep 12, 2020 19:43
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Beachcomber posted:he was jealous because he couldn't afford to go So if you do well he's jealous, and if you do poorly he's ashamed, and either way his mental illness is your fault?  Alternate hypothesis: your dad, your brother and you all have struggles with mental illness because a tendency toward certain traits that are maladaptive in the current setting runs in your family. It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault.
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Sep 13, 2020 03:53
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Dirt Road Junglist posted:Yo, please don't put that on yourself. You didn't cause anything. You're not responsible for any of it. You have a life to live, and at 20 especially, there's no justification for feeling like what he did is something you caused.
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Sep 13, 2020 10:43
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Thanks for the concern. I don't really blame myself. I know it's all brain chemicals.
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Sep 13, 2020 11:19
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God, that checklist makes me sad. So many checks, except forquote:I didn’t get much attention or sympathy from my parent, except maybe when I was really sick. lol I would get a little sympathy only if people were looking and a lot of berating when they weren't, because HOW DARE YOU GET SICK YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY FAKING IT AND TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A BAD FATHER, YOU'LL BE TAKEN AWAY AND NOBODY WILL EVER BE STUPID ENOUGH TO LOVE YOU AGAIN Parents (and family members in general) that don't abuse you for getting sick sounds fake but they must be real, I've heard about them a few times. I still have to fight off panic attacks when I even think about medical help for anything.
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Sep 14, 2020 00:08
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mine was a nurse. make of that what you will.
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Sep 14, 2020 00:16
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"You're not actually sick if you're not throwing up. Throwing up once isn't enough. It needs to be a lot. You're just being lazy and finding an excuse to stay home and watch TV all day. No I'm not taking your temperature, unless you puke a bunch. Your forehead doesn't feel that hot to me, I think you're lying. You're fine, stop crying, make your lunch, and get the hell to school!"
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Sep 14, 2020 00:27
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it was back and forth for me, “shut up and get to school, you malingerer” or “here’s a bunch of pills, left them on the table”, especially when i got older nothing about her was consistent, and i grew to fear, despise, and depend on her, all at once
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Sep 14, 2020 01:14
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Had a glass of water thrown in my face once for having a fever. I remember dad reading the thermometer and the dread as I waited for the building rage to break. Grown man with his fist cocked, barely holding back punching a 6 year old. How dare I make him look like a fool. He has done a lot of therapy to process his own abuse. It doesn't change the past, but hearing him acknowledge and regret his actions helps. It's an instant "I'm sorry" and talk about how I felt, feel, what triggered the memory etc. We have a pretty good relationship now. My mom is still repeating the "I don't remember that. You must have remembered wrong. That was the past. Why are you still angry about it? You need to get over it. You'll never be a happy person if you keep talking about this" mantra. Pretty much no contact. This thread beings back some rough stuff but it helps.
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Sep 14, 2020 01:43
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“i’m sorry”. “i was wrong”. i cannot loving understand why it’s so difficult to admit you made a mistake, that your actions had consequences. i apologize to a loving table if i bump into it, sometimes
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Sep 14, 2020 01:49
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bad posts ahead!!! posted:“i’m sorry”. “i was wrong”. i cannot loving understand why it’s so difficult to admit you made a mistake, that your actions had consequences. I apologize to any inanimate object I inconvenience. I also talk to my car like she's a horse.
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Sep 14, 2020 02:05
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