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ikanreed posted:Have you considered the Kurt Vonnegut "Write it, then rip it to shreds, because the act that mattered to you was the writing" approach? Sorry about your QAmom not op but i do this sometimes and it’s quite cathartic. although i will burn it too, just to make sure. staring at the fire is pretty meditative i remember i was transferring shrinks and the old shrink gave me a copy of my chart or something that included basically everything big i ever told him, including my smoking weed and all the abuse that she did to me, as well as my sexual assault. and it found its way into her hands, and my life was made an even worse living hell for it nishi koichi fucked around with this message at 01:20 on Jan 12, 2021 |
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Jan 12, 2021 01:17
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Re: journaling. An option, (although to my mind not a particularly healthy one, and one that is very difficult to maintain), is to write 2 separate journals. One for you, and one for your parents to find. I got this idea from Everybody Loves Raymond, (the tall policeman brother does this because of the insane mother). My experience with this is similar to the others already recounted here. When I was around 10-12 I wanted t o start writing a diary, and did so without telling anyone. It was supposed to be for me. I didn't hide it or anything, but it was not for public consumption. Anyway I don't remember the details but I do remember being confronted by my parents about something relatively minor I had written in it, and so stopped writing anything. Because, as I said, it was for me and not them, and also what the gently caress are you doing snooping around in my stuff, then finding a book to open and read through. Some other minor 'my parents don't respect my privacy' issues. For the last 13 years or so I usually live in a different country to my parents, only coming home to sleep on their couch for a few months whilst setting up my next overseas job. As such all my Australian mail gets sent there, as it is a hassle to be continuously be telling the bank etc. that I have changed countries again. So the bank, my superannuation, etc. will often send important private mail to my parents house, with the big PRIVATE DO NOT OPEN stamp on the front. My dad takes this to mean "I must open and read my son's mail". I know he is only doing so because it might be important or urgent, and therefore is doing it with the right intentions. But it still shits me. What shits me more is for a while I was still getting the school newsletter from my old high school, a school I didn't like, don't keep in touch with anyone from there and have not attended for 2 decades. But he would keep these as they piled up, and would show them to me with a "look, I kept your mail and haven't touched it because I respect your privacy" in the same breath as he shows me a bank statement clearly marked "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" that he has opened and criticize me for not saving enough, and asking why I spent $200 on candles. It's a minor thing but it does poo poo me.
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Jan 12, 2021 02:26
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Does Aus have anything like Mailboxes Etc? Adding myself to horribly long list of goons whose parents regularly rifled through their stuff looking for evidence. If anything bad was happening to me, they had the right to know, and gently caress boundaries and privacy. I had to tell them everything, and if I was withholding something that was more important than whatever bullshit was going on. I just learned not to trust them. And they were angry that I didn't trust them. When I was a teenager my dad would just go rifle through my room when I wasn't home and take stuff back he'd given me whenever he was pissed at me. Sometimes my dad would tell me about his coworkers and how their kids had relationship problems. He would get very judgmental, and then congratulate himself, and talk about how glad he was I didn't have any of that going on. It's like, fucker, you'd be the last to know. v oh lol ohnobugs fucked around with this message at 05:12 on Jan 12, 2021 |
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Jan 12, 2021 04:47
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ohnobugs posted:Does Aus have anything like Mailboxes Etc? we literally have a company called mailboxes etc
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Jan 12, 2021 05:02
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This is just a very distinct memory that comes back often. It's not related to current discussion, so I apologize for the derail: My parents were very, very controlling while I was growing up, to the point that I was not allowed at one point, as previously mentioned, to have writing instruments and paper for an extended period. Several months. I remember when I was a bit younger than that, my parents told my sister and I we were grounded from reading. Not just books, which they made us pack into boxes and carry down to the constantly-flooding basement to store on the floor to ruin. They meant reading anything at all. A cereal box, a telephone book, recipes for cooking. Anything at all. So I just... didn't read, for an entire summer. I don't remember even why I was grounded exactly, I just know that it happened. The last time we were all in the same room together, over a year ago now, my sister mentioned that time we got grounded from reading and we kinda laughed about it. And my mom, from across the room, just kind of scream-hissed "that never loving happened." It seems to be that my parents need that polite fiction in order to be decent people. It blows because I want to think my parents have grown and changed, but they haven't grown enough to acknowledge that some of the poo poo they did was intensely hosed up.
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Jan 12, 2021 05:16
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Narcissists can't deal with shame, and your mother has some things to be ashamed of. My dad's the same. He'll just straight up lie about what happened. This stuff shaped your life, no need to let it slide so they can save face.
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Jan 12, 2021 05:23
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It bothers me that I know this intellectually but even after almost twenty years of therapy I still can't emotionally absorb it. I spend a lot of time worrying that I'm a narcissist because of a possibly faulty statistic I read one time in a single scholarly article about children of narcissists and now my brain sticks on that. It is what it is, I guess.
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Jan 12, 2021 05:30
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In the Group Home, they would toss your room regularly if they suspected you or your roommate was carrying contraband, and they would take anything not allowed, so keeping a diary or journal was not something I did, since they would confiscate it and look for proof of contraband. They also had a motion sensor on the bars outside of the window, so if you pulled the fire escape lever to pop it open, say to sneak out / hide things they would rush to your room and toss it to see what you were trying to hide. There also was a clothing budget, but a lot of designs and things weren't allowed for being "controversial" or "political" I remember I had a T-shirt with Piccolo on it (I liked him because he seemed like a good Dad to Gohan,) and they took it. I can't imagine trying to keep a diary or journal in that environment, but one of the kids did so. He was kind of dumb and trusting, so everyone terrorized him, and we'd get so mad because the staff would take his journal, and he'd have written something about what we did, or imply that something bad would happen and everyone would get questioned about it. We ended up agreeing with him that he could keep a journal, if he threw away the pages. Instead he gave it to a staff counselor (NOT a therapist, and didn't seem to have the same rules of confidentiality,) and he got his rear end kicked because his roommate had an 1/8 stolen/confiscated from him. They ended up switching him out because he felt like his life was in danger. e: I still feel insanely lucky compared to the people who post in this thread about their parents, largely because I couldn't imagine having someone who you loved and trusted would go out to hurt you. In the group home you knew intrinsically, the staff were not your friends, they did not love you, and only some cared about your life being comfortable. Your family had already either left, abandoned, or hosed up so bad that they couldn't see you anymore, so you knew where you stood in the world. Boba Pearl fucked around with this message at 05:32 on Jan 12, 2021 |
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Jan 12, 2021 05:30
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You guys want to see a monster? My(16F) mom(43F) lied to me about my health for years. How do I talk to her about it? quote:My mom has been lying to me about my health for years. When I was seven, I collapsed during gym class (at school) and was taken to the hospital. Later was diagnosed with a heart condition and had surgery. I don't remember much, and my mom has never told me anything about it. However, after the surgery, she told my my heart was too weak due to it having been caught so late in my life. She told our whole family this. update: My(16F) mom(43F) lied to me about my health for years. quote:posted about a week ago. Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/kp9ou8/my16f_mom43f_lied_to_me_about_my_health_for_years/ - sorry, not sure how to properly format that.
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Jan 12, 2021 21:24
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That's bizarre because it's not even like remotely like your standard munchausen's by proxy MO, it's just incomprehensible.
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Jan 12, 2021 21:31
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hallo spacedog posted:That's bizarre because it's not even like remotely like your standard munchausen's by proxy MO, it's just incomprehensible. It almost reads to me like the mom saw the daughter as future competition/threat and sabotaged her as much as possible to keep her in her place.
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Jan 12, 2021 21:33
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Dienes posted:It almost reads to me like the mom saw the daughter as future competition/threat and sabotaged her as much as possible to keep her in her place. Could be this. Could also be that the mom resented the amount of attention her daughter needed as a baby/child for her illness and decided to punish her for it.
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Jan 12, 2021 21:38
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At least where I live, 16 is old enough to make autonomous decisions on which parent someone wants to live with, so hopefully she and her dad can kick that psycho out for good. I worry about the younger brother though, not all golden children continue to get treated well once the scapegoat is out of the picture. But the daughter needs to have the mother removed from her life completely and forever.
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Jan 12, 2021 22:00
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It sounds like she created circumstances where one child would be "low effort"—no clubs, no after school activities, no outings, no college—so that she could focus all her time and attention on the golden child. I also get the vibe that she resents her daughter for having had medical issues as a young child, and feels like she used up her lifetime attention allowance.
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Jan 12, 2021 22:22
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I think that maybe the daughter ought to contact the press to see if they want to do a human interest story. Get the mom good and shunned and maybe some people might want to help her make up for lost time, though I guess that's less likely during a pandemic. Also, iirc you can sue for anything in this country and I don't think she would have trouble finding a sympathetic judge and/or jury, although I guess the mom is kind of judgement proof. drat it, just lop off her hands with a hatchet or something. See how that slows her life down.
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Jan 12, 2021 22:26
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I'm doing pretty well today, all things considered. I've had enough therapy to where my genetic donors no longer spin me up. Except for health stuff. IBS (which I suspect may be something worse but am too scared to find out) since the age of 10, endometriosis at 13, pelvic floor disfunction at 15, back problems at 17, all completely untreated until I joined the Navy at 22 and all carrying very preventable side effects that could have been prevented if they had seen fit to take me to a doctor ever. They couldn't even bother to finish vaccinating me. I've spent thousands of dollars as an adult trying to manage this crap and its all so . . .unnecessary. We could afford a maid but my mother would get butthurt over an office visit copay. There's a clinic in my hometown that I'm still banned from because I could not afford a $50 bill when I was 17. Basically what I'm saying is when I hear stories of medical neglect I want to punch someone through the internet
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Jan 12, 2021 22:42
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For me, (and this is bullshit armchair psychology on my part), this seems like Narcissism. Look at how, once called out, she went "You are all crazy, and by the way gently caress off and don't come back. I am doing great without you". So I reckon she was doing it, (claiming her daughter was sick), for the sympathy and attention and to make herself feel special. Much like Munchausens Syndrome. But she didn't give a poo poo about the daughter, nor did she want the daughter taking any of the attention sympathy. Look at how she would tell other kids parents in private, so she would get all the sympathy and attention, rather than the girl. Also the mum gets none of the hassle of actually having a sick kid, and gets to say "No, you can''t do that coz it's unsafe. I am being a good caring mother" a lot whilst sitting on her arse on the couch. Glass half full thinking though. This 16 year old healthy girl now gets to enjoy the pure wholesome joy of going for a run on a sunny day, as an example, for the first time. Which is a nice thing.
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Jan 13, 2021 01:44
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My parents told me separately that they knew "something was wrong" with me since early childhood but actively chose to ignore it, focusing on teaching me to be silent, obedient, and hard-working. Basically a submissive slave they never actually intented to leave the house. If there was anything wrong with me it wasn't addressed as long as it didn't interfere with my servitude. It turns out I'm a high functioning autistic and the moment a stranger offered me the chance to leave I took it. It turns out he was a predator who recognized someone groomed for servitude and took advantage of my naivete. I had to learn everything people usually learn from childhood in my mid twenties, so I didn't think life was supposed to be anything else than this. He was definitely a predator and used me in every way a person can be used but I put up with it because being with him was so much better than being with them. I haven't seen my parents since 2009. They try to make contact and talk but I know they don't understand the horrible situation they conditioned me into. They honestly believe they were the best parents ever and I had the best childhood ever and should be grovellingly grateful. Just... no.
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Jan 13, 2021 03:04
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I've talked a lot about how my husband effectively rescued me from my lovely situation, back when we were 17. Well, today is the 22nd anniversary of us deciding we wanted to date. I told him I had a huge crush on him, and he told me he had one on me too. I don't remember the exact date I ran away after not being allowed to see him, it was sometime in the summer of 1999. My life changed really fast, only a matter of months. And goddamn, am I ever glad I did it.
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Jan 15, 2021 22:06
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 Speaking of anniversaries.... AITA For Blowing up on my mother in law for what she did on my deceased son's anniversary? quote:My M37 son passed away at the age of 9 ftom Leukemia. After a long road of struggle and pain. My son was strong, ambitious and blessing to be around. I bought him a bicycle before his passing and he only ride it twice. I remember brining it to the hospital garden and watching him riding it for some time. It brought joy to me and I had hope that things would get better but It was all just wishful thinking.
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Jan 15, 2021 23:37
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His wife knew this would happen she needs griping at too.
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Jan 16, 2021 02:10
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Grandparents who are all like "that's MY child" really bother me on a whole different level
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Jan 16, 2021 02:25
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Picnic Princess posted:Grandparents who are all like "that's MY child" really bother me on a whole different level There’s something so creepy about it isn’t there? They just claim ownership over anything that’ll get them attention, including children that aren’t theirs.
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Jan 16, 2021 02:42
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The mum calling them first time parents  The dead one doesn't count, you see!
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Jan 16, 2021 02:51
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CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:The mum calling them first time parents Well, that defective child wasn't HER blood.
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Jan 16, 2021 03:50
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Sisal Two-Step posted:Well, that defective child wasn't HER blood. For this grandmother, her daughters husband/partner only exists as a grandchild delivery system. His feelings don't matter. His dead child doesn't matter. The fact that he is sad about the death of a 9 year old son he loved dearly is a minor inconvenience, because she needs the joy of being able to tell people that SHE is going to be a grandmother. gently caress this performative bullshit. She was told about her daughters pregnancy, (because she is important in her daughters life. this is a good and fine thing). But she was also told to be respectful of a grieving father, but instead had to make it about HER and HER NEWS. I guarantee she barely knows the name of the dead boy, and will be encouraging her son-in-law to chuck out all the valued keepsakes/toys long before he is emotionally ready to.
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Jan 16, 2021 04:38
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Arcella posted:His wife knew this would happen she needs griping at too. Yeah, he's naïve if he sees the wife telling her mom and then not sticking up for him at all as isolated events. He's in for a lifetime of this.
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Jan 16, 2021 05:06
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I realized I missed a bit of the grandmas arseholery. "Your son, (who is not part of my family), died 5 years ago. Get over it pussy." The grandma is an arsehole. I'm not blaming the wife too much for not backing him up because, as everyone here knows, speaking out in front of arsehole family members can be ... complicated.
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Jan 16, 2021 08:28
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Picnic Princess posted:Grandparents who are all like "that's MY child" really bother me on a whole different level I am absolutely terrified to adopt a kid one day because I think my mom would just... take him. Like invite for a "grandma" holiday in my home country and never let him come back. Edit: Somewhat thanks to this thread I now have a journal! I've just been pasting pictures in it like I'm 13 again. I never really got to do this, but it's cause my ex used to read my diary, not my parents, but eh, it's still very nice to have something all my own! Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 14:07 on Jan 16, 2021 |
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Jan 16, 2021 14:03
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My son passed away five years ago, and the thought of this narcissistic crone behaving in such a way tremendously pisses me off. Decent human beings tend to be very sensitive about such things, to the point where I sometimes kinda have to conversationally ‘rescue’ them when they’re trying to reference my dead child and don’t quite know which words to say. I’m not big on ultimatums, but I’d probably be a complete rear end in a top hat and tell my wife ‘either we as a couple go no contact with your shitstain of a mother, or this marriage is over’, which, of course, would most likely result in a divorce. Life’s too loving short to put up with people so far up their own rear end that they would behave in such a way.
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Jan 16, 2021 14:08
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It's a level of selfishness I can't wrap my mind around. I think wife will come around in time, but they don't have a lot of time.
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Jan 17, 2021 00:55
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Kief Richards posted:It bothers me that I know this intellectually but even after almost twenty years of therapy I still can't emotionally absorb it. I have exactly the same fear. When I asked my therapist about it she said "If you were a narcissist, you wouldn't be able to ask that question" So every time you worry about it, you are confirming that it isn't true.
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Jan 17, 2021 02:43
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Dongsturm posted:I have exactly the same fear. When I asked my therapist about it she said "If you were a narcissist, you wouldn't be able to ask that question" The thing about narcissists is that it's very hard for them to raise narcissists even if they try, I think, simply because of the way their disorder demands they interact with others.
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Jan 17, 2021 05:25
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Ghost Leviathan posted:The thing about narcissists is that it's very hard for them to raise narcissists even if they try, I think, simply because of the way their disorder demands they interact with others.
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Jan 17, 2021 05:30
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PetraCore posted:And yet, somehow Ivanka Trump arose. I don't think her father contributed much to the actual raising.
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Jan 17, 2021 05:49
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Ghost Leviathan posted:The thing about narcissists is that it's very hard for them to raise narcissists even if they try, I think, simply because of the way their disorder demands they interact with others. I think if they designate a 'good' child in their social structure that can lead to a feedback loop where the good child views criticism of the narcissistic parent as baseless and unfair. Because the parent doesn't abuse them it's the word of the parent that gives them positive attention for agreeing with them versus the word of people who won't shower them with attention just for seeing the obvious. If the narcissist runs out of people to gently caress with they'll turn on that child and probably destroy their relationship, but will that be enough for the kid to question the behaviors they learned from them? No guarantee either way, though I think this is one of the few instances of the internet being helpful because they can relatively safely talk to other people about what normal interpersonal relationships are like. Which will presumably involve a lot of the phrase "I thought that was normal..."
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Jan 17, 2021 05:52
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just seeing how my mother behaved, the way she treated everyone as filth unless they had something to offer, that made me swear to never be like her. i don’t think i realized exactly how monstrous she was until my friends managed to wake me up fully (why abusers like to isolate), but my whole life was spent wanting to get away from her in every possible way
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Jan 17, 2021 05:58
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Ghost Leviathan posted:The thing about narcissists is that it's very hard for them to raise narcissists even if they try, I think, simply because of the way their disorder demands they interact with others. Gonna disagree here. You would think anyone who's had to put up with a narcissist for any length of time would be more aware of their own behavior, but plenty of people aren't. There are also different kinds of narcissists. My father's mother was a narcissist who enjoyed spinning people out and creating drama. My dad is also a narcissist, but his behavior was very different. He could never admit to making a mistake and refused to change his behavior, regardless of the consequences. But he wouldn't go looking for relationships to ruin like dear dead grandma. I think he really tried to be nothing like her, but he was still an abusive rear end in a top hat. The other thing is, being raised by narcissists and other dysfunctional people, you don't learn the best habits. Most of us end up with some bad learned behaviors, or responses, etc, because we were raised by these morons. But it's not real narcissism. It's like a secondary effect. I've heard them called fleas.
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Jan 17, 2021 06:17
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Ghost Leviathan posted:The thing about narcissists is that it's very hard for them to raise narcissists even if they try, I think, simply because of the way their disorder demands they interact with others. Naw, that commonly happens to a narcissist's golden child. They emulate that parent to continue to be the favorite (re: avoid their wrath), and it's just what they know.
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Jan 17, 2021 06:34
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Even among those who aren't the golden child, the Issendai "estranged parents" website makes note that in their own words, a lot of these people basically are going "my kids says I was abusive but that can't be because I only smacked my kids around, now my mom, she made me pick out the the switch" or remark on how they weren't abusive because they were only verbally and emotional abusive, unlike their own physically abusive parent. Sometimes people basically only learn to avoid the specific worst things that were done to them, but replicate the whole rest of the pattern of behavior because it's all they know.
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Jan 17, 2021 07:01
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