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TotalLossBrain
Oct 20, 2010

Hier graben!
Content: at another (nuclear) government contracting job in the early 2000's, I saw a couple of people get fired over various poo poo. One person was busted gambling online while on the clock and using government computers.
You could get away with a lot of poo poo at that job, but porn or making money on the side (gambling) were the sure ways to get fired and this guy found it.

Another guy would always drive the company vehicle (some 90's minivan, I think a Sienna) around, even privately. He was also really into exposing himself while driving, so one thing led to another and he got the cops called on him for having his dick on parade while in the company-branded minivan. Big lol.

Then a mid-level manager went on some work trip and didn't come back. His office got locked up with police tape around it. Turns out he had been soliciting an undercover cop for underage sex on his work trip. As soon as he got there they nabbed him. Never heard from him again.

Another time a young guy, relative new hire, got let go because he'd constantly play with LEGO sets at his desk in view of the boss. He was probably a goon tbh.

Edit: The company didn't get rid of the exposer's minivan, of course. We still used it, but referred to it as the Van of Shame from then on.

TotalLossBrain fucked around with this message at 20:19 on Feb 19, 2021

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NapalmWeasel
Aug 10, 2012

TotalLossBrain posted:

Content: at another (nuclear) government contracting job in the early 2000's, I saw a couple of people get fired over various poo poo. One person was busted gambling online while on the clock and using government computers.
You could get away with a lot of poo poo at that job, but porn or making money on the side (gambling) were the sure ways to get fired and this guy found it.

That reminds me of this guy who worked in the same office as me, not sure what team he was on. He was looking at scantily-clad ladies on the work computer, in the office, in full view of *everyone*. He was not seen back in the office shortly after that.

kumba
Nov 8, 2003

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

enjoy the ride

Lipstick Apathy

NapalmWeasel posted:

That reminds me of this guy who worked in the same office as me, not sure what team he was on. He was looking at scantily-clad ladies on the work computer, in the office, in full view of *everyone*. He was not seen back in the office shortly after that.

this happened to me in my call center days in 2012, there was a guy who was constantly looking at women in lingerie in open view on the call center floor and i don't understand how the gently caress he thought that was going to be okay

this same guy was super mormon and one day i saw him looking at the diablo 3 forums which i thought was a little weird. i was into d3 at the time so i was like 'hey cool i play a wizard, what do you like to do in d3?' and his response was that he doesn't play that game and then he never really spoke to me again. i guess he was reading about how d3 is the devil incarnate or something

cardinale
Jul 11, 2016

jkk posted:

Yeah, I have to record my time in 6 minute intervals. As in, 6 minutes is the smallest amount of time I can record for a specific project/task. I do have a couple of projects that take about 6 minutes per day, then a few in 30 to 90 minute range. Everything else, internal meetings etc, go in the "admin" bucket.
:same: and I must be institutionalised now because I'm used to it. Happily I don't have a utilisation target. Some of my colleagues are scrambling to hit 85% billable time metrics.

Combo
Aug 19, 2003



On the lighter side, back in the day I worked at a place that decided that a fun game for a christmas party was a White Castle eating contest.

3 participants each ate over 20 of them, with the winner eating an entire crave case (30).

They all spent the rest of the day in the bathroom making GBS threads their intestines out and the company never did that again.

SkyeAuroline
Nov 12, 2020

Combo posted:

On the lighter side, back in the day I worked at a place that decided that a fun game for a christmas party was a White Castle eating contest.

3 participants each ate over 20 of them, with the winner eating an entire crave case (30).

They all spent the rest of the day in the bathroom making GBS threads their intestines out and the company never did that again.

Oh hey, our old manager loved bringing in crave cases to celebrate events. Fortunately never that bad of results.

Dumb poo poo my work fails to do: have any documentation at all... Any suggestions on tracking down software manuals from a company that hasn't existed for almost two decades and whose successors have gone through a mess of mergers? Only way I'm going to be getting any documentation at this rate.

Whipstickagostop
Apr 30, 2006

Planet: Xeno Prime

kumba posted:

this happened to me in my call center days in 2012, there was a guy who was constantly looking at women in lingerie in open view on the call center floor and i don't understand how the gently caress he thought that was going to be okay

this same guy was super mormon and one day i saw him looking at the diablo 3 forums which i thought was a little weird. i was into d3 at the time so i was like 'hey cool i play a wizard, what do you like to do in d3?' and his response was that he doesn't play that game and then he never really spoke to me again. i guess he was reading about how d3 is the devil incarnate or something

Our finance manager was this really quiet, very religious guy who mainly kept to himself. Would eat lunch in his car, but would be friendly enough if you forced a conversation with him.

He suprised everyone by turning up to the unofficial Xmas party one year. Proceeded to get peer-pressured into keeping up drink for drink with the two idiots in the accounts department - one of which was a typical "football lad" (read: functional alcoholic) who could put away some beer.

He basically turned into a complete feral animal - ripped his shirt off when they sat down to eat, kept trying to bite the sales girls sitting near him, dropped one of the older ladies while trying to carry her without asking.
The sales girls had to ask the doorstaff at the bar they went to afterward not to let him in as he was getting super-handsy with them.

They found him outside an hour or so later covered in puke with police standing over him. His wife turned up to collect him, and we never saw him again.

Quantum of Phallus
Dec 27, 2010

TotalLossBrain posted:

Content: at another (nuclear) government contracting job in the early 2000's, I saw a couple of people get fired over various poo poo. One person was busted gambling online while on the clock and using government computers.
You could get away with a lot of poo poo at that job, but porn or making money on the side (gambling) were the sure ways to get fired and this guy found it.

Another guy would always drive the company vehicle (some 90's minivan, I think a Sienna) around, even privately. He was also really into exposing himself while driving, so one thing led to another and he got the cops called on him for having his dick on parade while in the company-branded minivan. Big lol.

Then a mid-level manager went on some work trip and didn't come back. His office got locked up with police tape around it. Turns out he had been soliciting an undercover cop for underage sex on his work trip. As soon as he got there they nabbed him. Never heard from him again.

Another time a young guy, relative new hire, got let go because he'd constantly play with LEGO sets at his desk in view of the boss. He was probably a goon tbh.

Edit: The company didn't get rid of the exposer's minivan, of course. We still used it, but referred to it as the Van of Shame from then on.

These are all amazing

Bad Purchase
Jun 17, 2019




regarding stories of actual workplace crimes and assaults, this one isn't firsthand, but i worked at a government contractor with a team lead who had been this guy's manager:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Brennan_Crutchley

all that stuff happened years before I started there, so i only heard hushed rumors. there's more info on the wiki page than i ever heard from office gossip. the guy who was his former manager would only say that he had always seemed weird and creepy.

it's been at least 10 years since i worked on that team, but i've kept in touch with some of the people who work/worked there and comparing someone to a "vampire rapist" when describing how awful they are has been a running joke.

Tetramin
Apr 1, 2006

I'ma buck you up.

Whipstickagostop posted:

Our finance manager was this really quiet, very religious guy who mainly kept to himself. Would eat lunch in his car, but would be friendly enough if you forced a conversation with him.

He suprised everyone by turning up to the unofficial Xmas party one year. Proceeded to get peer-pressured into keeping up drink for drink with the two idiots in the accounts department - one of which was a typical "football lad" (read: functional alcoholic) who could put away some beer.

He basically turned into a complete feral animal - ripped his shirt off when they sat down to eat, kept trying to bite the sales girls sitting near him, dropped one of the older ladies while trying to carry her without asking.
The sales girls had to ask the doorstaff at the bar they went to afterward not to let him in as he was getting super-handsy with them.

They found him outside an hour or so later covered in puke with police standing over him. His wife turned up to collect him, and we never saw him again.

Lol that guy must’ve been a recovering alcoholic or something

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

69420 basic bytes free

NapalmWeasel posted:

That reminds me of this guy who worked in the same office as me, not sure what team he was on. He was looking at scantily-clad ladies on the work computer, in the office, in full view of *everyone*. He was not seen back in the office shortly after that.

Back at helljob, we had an in-house customer service team, whose cubes were all super densely packed in rows and had just half-walls between them. Not a lot of privacy.

At least twice, people got caught masturbating at their desks.

Our standards for hiring were basically "do you have a pulse, and can you at least stop masturbating long enough for us to interview you", it seemed.

The local temp agency absolutely loved us, we were grinding through temp customer service people like crazy and probably paying them insane amounts in fees because of it. We massively overworked customer service, and the turnover was ridiculous.

Hasturtium
May 19, 2020

And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Tetramin posted:

Lol that guy must’ve been a recovering alcoholic or something

Yeah, my first thought too. When someone in a social setting politely declines alcohol, respect it. You never, ever know what they've been through or what doors will open inside them when they're pushed.

Whipstickagostop
Apr 30, 2006

Planet: Xeno Prime

Hasturtium posted:

Yeah, my first thought too. When someone in a social setting politely declines alcohol, respect it. You never, ever know what they've been through or what doors will open inside them when they're pushed.

Agreed, but this guy wasn't an alcoholic. Someone messaged his wife on Facebook to see if he was okay and asked if he had ever done that before. He had the occasional beer on special occasions but that was it.
He just had too much too quickly and was egged on.

That was the second time the 2 accounts idiots had peer-pressured someone to drink too much though. First time was a new hire at one of the remote depots coming down for some training. Was only a young lad so he was trying to keep up. Got him so drunk he ended up in hospital as he burst a blood vessel in his throat from puking so much.

BitBasher
Jun 6, 2004

You've got to know the rules before you can break 'em. Otherwise, it's no fun.


NapalmWeasel posted:

That reminds me of this guy who worked in the same office as me, not sure what team he was on. He was looking at scantily-clad ladies on the work computer, in the office, in full view of *everyone*. He was not seen back in the office shortly after that.

This takes me back to tech support long, long ago. Me and two other people (Call them Jason and Frank) worked for an outsourcer that handled all the tech support calls for Sony VAIO computers west of the Mississippi from 10pm to like 5AM PST. This was so long ago that the new computers we were supporting were the VAIO 310/330 if memory serves. This was 1995-1997, somewhere in there.

When I say that we were the support, that is not an exaggeration. We three were literally the support for the West half of the country with Austin, if memory serves, supporting the East half of the country with who knows how many people there. Me Jason and I passed the time by serial networking two of the machines that weren't being used that shift and playing Total Annihilation versus for hours, or running MAME. Frank on the other hand, pretty much kept to himself. There as no management of any time, because they didn't want to pay a manager to work over 2 people most of the time, so when someone demanded to speak to a manager you would just put them on hold and pass the call to the other dude who would then pretend to be a manager, which worked surprisingly well.

This was fine until one day when Frank left about an hour before I did. An actual manager showed up, went to print something, and found a bout a ream of paper in the printer with porn banner ads on it. Not actual full images of porn, but the horizontal banner ads, maybe an inch high and 4 inches wide each with teeny tiny naked people on them. Thousands of them. Hundreds of pages. I was asked if I knew anything about this, and I said I did not, but it wasn't hard to find the culprit because frank's login was on the bottom of literally every one of the hundreds of pages. Since there are only three people on graveyard I tried hard to talk them down from firing Frank outright because I had no desire to work a shift alone in an empty building. I was successful.

The next shift I asked Frank WTF and asked him to maybe not print out hundreds of pages of tiny porn banner ads. He thanked me, sheepishly apologized and we worked the rest of our shift.

That next morning, Frank left, managers came in, and when I looked across the sea of cubicles I could see one staring at the printer with confusion. I walked past on the way out to glance over and see another couple inches thick stack of porn banner ads that frank had left in the printer. Again. Never saw Frank after that.

BitBasher fucked around with this message at 03:03 on Feb 20, 2021

Son of Rodney
Feb 22, 2006

ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Whipstickagostop posted:

Agreed, but this guy wasn't an alcoholic. Someone messaged his wife on Facebook to see if he was okay and asked if he had ever done that before. He had the occasional beer on special occasions but that was it.
He just had too much too quickly and was egged on.

That was the second time the 2 accounts idiots had peer-pressured someone to drink too much though. First time was a new hire at one of the remote depots coming down for some training. Was only a young lad so he was trying to keep up. Got him so drunk he ended up in hospital as he burst a blood vessel in his throat from puking so much.

I'm reminded of the first time I and many of my friends had beer at a private graduation party at the age of 15 (in Germany some people finish school in grade 9).
We were all dumb teens but what the alcohol unleashed was some primal poo poo where hornyness and testosterone went rampant. I still remember it because that first rush of being truly drunk was a complete breakdown of social etiquette and behavior, we literally lost control. When you drink more you learn to control it and learn your limits, but I can absolutely believe that people who never drank before just go literally hog wild.

teen phone cutie
Jun 18, 2012

last year i rewrote something awful from scratch because i hate myself
weekly update meetings at 4:30 on a friday

Tetramin
Apr 1, 2006

I'ma buck you up.

BitBasher posted:

This takes me back to tech support long, long ago. Me and two other people (Call them Jason and Frank) worked for an outsourcer that handled all the tech support calls for Sony VAIO computers west of the Mississippi from 10pm to like 5AM PST. This was so long ago that the new computers we were supporting were the VAIO 310/330 if memory serves. This was 1995-1997, somewhere in there.

When I say that we were the support, that is not an exaggeration. We three were literally the support for the West half of the country with Austin, if memory serves, supporting the East half of the country with who knows how many people there. Me Jason and I passed the time by serial networking two of the machines that weren't being used that shift and playing Total Annihilation versus for hours, or running MAME. Frank on the other hand, pretty much kept to himself. There as no management of any time, because they didn't want to pay a manager to work over 2 people most of the time, so when someone demanded to speak to a manager you would just put them on hold and pass the call to the other dude who would then pretend to be a manager, which worked surprisingly well.

This was fine until one day when Frank left about an hour before I did. An actual manager showed up, went to print something, and found a bout a ream of paper in the printer with porn banner ads on it. Not actual full images of porn, but the horizontal banner ads, maybe an inch high and 4 inches wide each with teeny tiny naked people on them. Thousands of them. Hundreds of pages. I was asked if I knew anything about this, and I said I did not, but it wasn't hard to find the culprit because frank's login was on the bottom of literally every one of the hundreds of pages. Since there are only three people on graveyard I tried hard to talk them down from firing Frank outright because I had no desire to work a shift alone in an empty building. I was successful.

The next shift I asked Frank WTF and asked him to maybe not print out hundreds of pages of tiny porn banner ads. He thanked me, sheepishly apologized and we worked the rest of our shift.

That next morning, Frank left, managers came in, and when I looked across the sea of cubicles I could see one staring at the printer with confusion. I walked past on the way out to glance over and see another couple inches thick stack of porn banner ads that frank had, left in the printer. Again. Never saw Frank again.

Lmfao that is baffling

Full Metal Jackass
Jan 22, 2001

Rabid bats are welcome in my home
Ngl, Frank is kind of a badass.

Quantum of Phallus
Dec 27, 2010

Grump posted:

weekly update meetings at 4:30 on a friday

:blastu:

Trapick
Apr 17, 2006

I work for a weird company, in that it's technically a co-op, but it's owned by other co-ops. So as the whole co-operative system in my country gets more corporate, so does my company, but even faster and more so. So now our latest CEO, instead of coming up through the co-operative system, is a standard piece of poo poo corporate CEO. So we're on our second year of real bullshit.

We've had regular (small) layoffs but are constantly bringing in consultants from places like McKinsey at 5x the price, because somehow that's a cost savings.

We were forbidden from using a software product that was very widely liked and useful in favour of something garbage, because it saved about $10/month/person, in an organization where a typical salary is maybe $100k. Also we've taken on several extra execs, whose salaries dwarf these cost savings by a factor of 10.

We longer get to choose between Mac or Windows, because again the extra few hundred bucks over three years is just too expensive. People who work on our iPhone apps can remote into one of the Mac Minis when they really need to.

We have company wide meetings (thankfully they figured out the muting problem early, now everyone but the presenter is force-muted the whole time) where the CEO gets anonymous questions, heavily upvoted, all about how he's ruining the company.

We're heavily committed to the cloud and using microservices, because that's what the business folks decided on, but they refuse to change any business practices that may actually make those things useful at all. We're "agile" but it still takes months to get changes into production and they need to be perfectly documented and approved and requirements decided upon well ahead of time. So basically we just have scrum and other "agile" meetings all the time.

They restructured all of our teams at the start of the year, and now no one is clear who's responsible for what, because they moved everyone over before the software tooling to match the new structure was ready. Also as a result I'm really not sure what my job is, so I basically just chill and help people when they ask me directly.

On the plus side they've been really good about COVID, the office is still basically closed with like 95% of employees working from home.

AHH F/UGH
May 25, 2002

Was Frank like, so efficient in his hog jerking that he didn't have time to go into the sites themselves and only just beat off to 1997 porn banner ads?

Or was he like, making a compilation of which ones he wanted to go to later at home?

I must know what the motivation here was

Amarcarts
Feb 21, 2007

This looks a lot like suffering.
I used to work for Target and the system they had at the time in their backroom for keeping the shelves fully stocked involved barcoded locations that you would scan items into. Bins at mid level for loose items while open cases would be at ground level and unopened cases on the upper shelves that required ladders. The bins and locations were basically always packed full. Whenever we were putting up product from a truck you would basically have to split it up in multiple spots since not all of it would fit in any given spot. It would be very common if you were looking for an item for it to be in like 10 different locations since it was really hard and time consuming to deliberately relocate items to free up space and consolidate things. The system would know what was sold during the day then send us up and down the aisles scanning location codes and the barcodes on the products to pull a certain number to be put on the shelves.

I realized after working there for a little while what was happening was that the picking system would send us to every location in an aisle to look for a product first, including the upper shelves where unopened bulk cases of product were sitting. It might want 1 can of soup to replace the one that was sold that day so it would have you open a full case just to get the one can, even though there is a small bin in the next aisle with 3 loose cans. Then you would have to find an empty bin to put all the new loose ones you had made by opening the case. This is why the entire backroom was exploding with product and there were no empty spots to put backstock. It is incredibly time consuming when backstocking to scan an item and then try to find one of it's 10 locations since some of them don't have any room or don't have the right number of items logged as being there. We would have hundreds of shopping carts full of small numbers of random items of backstock that we had no room to store on the shelves. It really sucked when working in the dairy cooler because on the days I was assigned there I'd find and have to throw away massive amounts of expired food.

Since there would not be a quick easy way to just change the software my solution was to just have all the guys skip the bottom and upper shelves in an aisle by hitting S + enter on the scanner guns really rapidly to skip through all the casepack locations in an aisle (which were identifiable by a section of the location code) so essentially you just went up and down all the aisles hitting up the loose item bins before you went back to the first aisle to open a new case. My little system essentially over the course of a couple of weeks dramatically consolidated the entire backroom to the point were we had miles of empty space to store extra product. Backstocking became easy because you could just dump anything anywhere and the new picking system would self-correct the multiple location issue after a day or so. The backroom was way easier to navigate because it wasn't full of hundreds of shopping carts. For a brief period of time morale for the night crew was super high and it felt like we really made a difference for the better and were part of something (An attitude hard to foster when folks are making $10 an hour)

I told my boss and he said we had to stop doing it because when you hit S+Enter on the gun it got tallied into some report and the higher ups didn't like to see those numbers so high.

teen witch
Oct 9, 2012
- I once worked with someone who vaped at his desk in an open office among other idiotic maneuvers and ugh god I hated him. Was the worst among the men when he had kitchen duty that day (and most of them were pretty loving atrocious)

- when working retail I once worked with someone who was so constantly thirsty. All the time. Nonstop. One day I somehow got a whiff from his water bottle anddddd it’s straight vodka. He was confronted and asked to just go home for the day, we can offer covering rehab costs, we need to call his boyfriend to pick him up and instead he LOST IT and stormed out and drove off into the gorgeous Hamptons summer day (so there were ample day drunk drivers). His boyfriend came by fifteen min after that and had the look on his face of “not again”. Never saw either after that.

- one girl we hired for the same retail job was straight up doing xanax in the back (because she was sloppy about cleaning up) and threatening the other new girl we hired (and was equally sloppy about hiding that as well)

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

69420 basic bytes free
Crossposting myself from the basic poo poo you don't understand thread

(for context, someone mentioned in an interview that they knew pivot tables, and the interviewer said cool people do poo poo in SQL)

Code Jockey posted:

In my experience, that is all fine and good for data that is either already in SQL or can be loaded into SQL, but that is not always an option

And there are plenty of enterprises with such lovely security / permissions delegation that I absolutely would not want non-technical people with SQL access

Helljob liked to just use the sa account for everything, which in Microsoft SQL land, is the keys to the entire castle. Thankfully no one ever learned about the TRUNCATE TABLE command, but we had people executing such terrible queries that our primary DB server would routinely grind to a halt, and we'd discover later that some doofus in our vendor relations team was running some horrendously structured query to pull sales data for a vendor. Good times! We eventually spun off a separate SQL server for people to throw their awful queries against that was not literally our production transactional database, AKA where new orders were landing from the front end (except when the server was locked up due to aforementioned bad queries, and timing out)

said critical transactional database server was sitting in a rack in our warehouse below our office space, out in the open, where people could have easily just yanked the power or spilled a drink into it or something.

AHH F/UGH
May 25, 2002

For some reason my clock out didn't go through at 5PM today, so when I noticed at like 6:30PM, I got on slack and said "I'll get back to Sean on that last request. Have a great weekend all!" and used that as a sort of cover for why I just clocked out super late. I didn't screw up my timeclock you see, I was working and capped the day off right! Sent off a 2-line email and logged out.

If I'm feeling really fair and nice I'll clock out 90 minutes early on Monday to balance it out. Maybe. We'll see.

Zarin
Nov 11, 2008

I SEE YOU

AHH F/UGH posted:

For some reason my clock out didn't go through at 5PM today, so when I noticed at like 6:30PM, I got on slack and said "I'll get back to Sean on that last request. Have a great weekend all!" and used that as a sort of cover for why I just clocked out super late. I didn't screw up my timeclock you see, I was working and capped the day off right! Sent off a 2-line email and logged out.

If I'm feeling really fair and nice I'll clock out 90 minutes early on Monday to balance it out. Maybe. We'll see.

As someone who has routinely been working 10, 12 hour says since the pandemic started (lol I'm exempt so gently caress me I guess): gently caress 'em


Edit: This post should be in no way construed as proper career advice

Elder Postsman
Aug 30, 2000


i used hot bot to search for "teens"

NapalmWeasel posted:

The "high-stress/low-pay" job I had required us to report in 6-minute intervals (.1 hour) attributed to either a project or a client general catchall bucket. Even though the client I was Account Focal for was pretty much dead, that general bucket got a LOT of my hours.

Are you working at the place I worked from 2007 to 2014? They had the same poo poo. Also, gave me a "promotion" from tech to analyst that didn't change my responsibilities, but did move me from hourly to salary. But they also expected salaried workers to put in 45 hours a week, and at my old hourly rate, 40 + 5 hours OT would have made me almost the same as my new salary lmao

I posted about it before, but my last job had a 3 page document outlining rules for time tracking and billable vs unbillable time and I hated everything about it. If you're paying me hourly, with OT and everything, sure, I'll do that. But If I'm salaried, you're paying for my work, not necessarily my time, and all that time tracking bullshit can gently caress right off.

Zarin
Nov 11, 2008

I SEE YOU

Elder Postsman posted:

Are you working at the place I worked from 2007 to 2014? They had the same poo poo. Also, gave me a "promotion" from tech to analyst that didn't change my responsibilities, but did move me from hourly to salary. But they also expected salaried workers to put in 45 hours a week, and at my old hourly rate, 40 + 5 hours OT would have made me almost the same as my new salary lmao

I posted about it before, but my last job had a 3 page document outlining rules for time tracking and billable vs unbillable time and I hated everything about it. If you're paying me hourly, with OT and everything, sure, I'll do that. But If I'm salaried, you're paying for my work, not necessarily my time, and all that time tracking bullshit can gently caress right off.

bUt ThEn HoW wIlL tHeY kNoW hOw MuCh To BiLl TeH cLiEnT

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Zarin posted:

bUt ThEn HoW wIlL tHeY kNoW hOw MuCh To BiLl TeH cLiEnT

I work in an industry where everything is FTE based and yet they want % of your time allocated to projects. This sort of makes sense to prove to each client the time you spend matches the FTE, but fundamentally if the work gets done it gets done or doesn't theres no hard stops I can't tell someone "sorry that was my 20% to you for the month". They also across the entire industry regularlu over allocate you, like on paper I was at 150% allocation across clients, so in my mind the timesheet is like having a document labled "my_scams.db".

This is probably why they are giving me an exit interview specifically because Im leaving for a client job that manages the entire relationship from the other side.

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

69420 basic bytes free
That reminds me of a point that was made when I was doing my agile training. Story pointing is something that is for the scrum master and the engineering and other resources on that team only. The second anyone outside, especially management, gets wind of capacity, points allocation etc, they're going to start asking "why are you capping at 20 points (for example), can they do 30? 40? How many points did they deliver the last 5 sprints? Why is this work item rated so high, it doesn't seem very complex" and so on. People outside the engineering team, project management, etc should be concerned with engineering delivering what is promised on the dates promised. Opening up the inner workings of the team just leads to micromanagement. A good scrum master should be calibrating these things on their own after each sprint, upping the capacity the team can take on or lowering it as the situation demands (people being out sick, and other challenges the team might face)

(For non-computer-touchers, story points are meant to be a rough estimate of the complexity of a given work item, or the relative amount of effort required to do a unit of work. It's entirely arbitrary and should be defined per-team, each team decides on what a 1 pointer - typically the smallest unit of work - should be (say, editing a line of static text on a webpage), to defining what a much higher point user story would be pointed as, such as changing how an API endpoint retrieves data from a system, or having it retrieve new data. Each team also defines how many points they're able to accomplish in a development sprint, which is a period of time they commit to get work done. Most places I've been at go with two week sprints, but at my current job ours are a month long to better align with the finance department's schedules and when we can release code for them)

My current job had an absolutely rear end-loving-backwards idea of what agile was, thanks to some remarkably dumb people in IT leadership (who are gone now thank god), and wanted to standardize pointing across all teams and expose capacity / points commitments / etc in management level reporting. Thankfully they got distracted by something else and dropped it, because that was making me nervous. My team does entirely different work than, say, the team that maintains our main website, and we run on different sprint schedules (which is fine, we don't collaborate on any work, ever, which would make us want to have synchronized sprints). Our capacities are entirely different, our points scales are different, the user stories themselves are entirely different and execute differently, and again, management should be more concerned with "are we delivering the things we promised when we promised to?" which we all are. I still don't really know why they suddenly started caring, except I have my suspicions that one of the engineering teams was dragging its rear end and not delivering things, and bringing increased scrutiny on all of us...

(and to further express how little they understood agile, the IT leadership thought story points were a measure of business priority. Like they confidently believed this and argued with me about it. I still have no idea how they arrived at that. There was a separate "Priority" field on the work items, even...)

Barudak
May 7, 2007

You just reminded me a year ago one of the accounts I worked on sent out a huge email that we were going to switch to agile development and we had to brief the client and all this jazz. None of the material ever went into describing what a story was, calibrating points, and you know the other stuff that makes agile like actually function. Everyone worldwide starts panicking as nobody anywhere in this business has ever done agile before because, uh, this is an advertising company and Agile makes no loving sense whatsoever. There is no training material ever shared and every market is left to their own devices to figure out how the hell they're supposed to make it work.

Of course the entire thing was quietly dropped about a week after its supposed launch and has never been mentioned again.

AHH F/UGH
May 25, 2002

I'm kind of glad I have no clue what agile, scrum, jira boards, all that stuff is. Everyone who talks about that stuff makes it sound like they're constantly getting kicked in the balls from behind and told to run faster.

That said, they all probably make 3x my salary so who am I to judge.

CarForumPoster
Jun 26, 2013

⚡POWER⚡

AHH F/UGH posted:

I'm kind of glad I have no clue what agile, scrum, jira boards, all that stuff is. Everyone who talks about that stuff makes it sound like they're constantly getting kicked in the balls from behind and told to run faster.

That said, they all probably make 3x my salary so who am I to judge.

For SW development Agile is legit pretty great. Its not possible to detail plan software years ahead of time, so Agile says: cool, don't...maybe just detail plan it a couple weeks at a time. Jira is just software to do that detail planning in couple week increments if you need something more than post it notes because your whiteboard isn't big enough.


Where it all goes wrong is where management steps in.

Charles Bukowski
Aug 26, 2003

Taskmaster 2023 Second Place Winner

Grimey Drawer

AHH F/UGH posted:

I'm kind of glad I have no clue what agile, scrum, jira boards, all that stuff is. Everyone who talks about that stuff makes it sound like they're constantly getting kicked in the balls from behind and told to run faster.

That said, they all probably make 3x my salary so who am I to judge.

Come join me in my wood chopping venture. No time sheets, no jargon. Hell we ain't even gonna pay taxes.

Trapick
Apr 17, 2006

CarForumPoster posted:

For SW development Agile is legit pretty great. Its not possible to detail plan software years ahead of time, so Agile says: cool, don't...maybe just detail plan it a couple weeks at a time. Jira is just software to do that detail planning in couple week increments if you need something more than post it notes because your whiteboard isn't big enough.


Where it all goes wrong is where management steps in.
Yeah, the agile manifesto (much less murdery than most manifestos, honest - https://agilemanifesto.org/) is great, but as soon as it's surrounded by layers of management it's just the worst of both worlds.

Also, as a funny (and maybe apocryphal) story about Jira:
https://twitter.com/isislovecruft/status/1292331568330022913?s=20

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

69420 basic bytes free

CarForumPoster posted:

For SW development Agile is legit pretty great. Its not possible to detail plan software years ahead of time, so Agile says: cool, don't...maybe just detail plan it a couple weeks at a time. Jira is just software to do that detail planning in couple week increments if you need something more than post it notes because your whiteboard isn't big enough.


Where it all goes wrong is where management steps in.

God I miss Jira. I used to administer our Jira system at helljob, and maaaan we had it running smooth. Customized, workflows with notifications and other nice bells and whistles, it was great.

I use Azure DevOps now. It is not Jira.

(and the name is stupid, too)

Where we are at now, we're doing kind of a hybrid waterfall / agile thing. The c-suite and directors want schedules, so we give them relatively rough schedules (read: overestimate time by 2x or 3x or so) and give them iterative milestones inside of that schedule once an initial scope has been declared for a project. Okay, this new system will have X Y and Z feature, all of which we can roll out progressively. We'll deliver feature X in Q3, Y in Q4 and Z in Q1 2022, based on what we know now. The directors, c-suiters and people who sign the checks nod, and off we go, iterating away against those dates. More often than not we deliver ahead of time, even with challenges / scope changes, that overestimation covers our asses - and when things go smooth, surprise! Your poo poo is done early! And we look great for it. :v:

And sometimes, as we get closer to delivering feature X, suddenly one of the stakeholders has a great idea, and they just must have a new thing added to the feature. At that point, we all get together on the engineering / project management side, swear a whole bunch on a Teams call, and then turn around and tell them to file a change request. That goes up to our steering committee, and if they approve the change, we recalibrate dates (or, if the dates are inflexible, talk about bringing on new resources or sacrificing other features) and continue on.

Thankfully I work at a relatively sane place, where all this tends to go smoothly. We do get change requests, but everyone tends to be an adult about it, they understand engineers are human beings who are an expensive as gently caress and finite resource, and can only do so much (my company is very, very conscious of work / life balance, and I love them for it) so those change requests usually aren't a big deal. The times they have been, when middle managers would start with the "how hard could it be? I'm not asking for that much" bullshit... those managers didn't last long, thankfully.

Having "agile but with waterfall-ish deliverable dates" makes sense for what I'm doing, because sometimes finance/accounting poo poo has to be done by a certain date, or that thing we're working on is going to save the company an absolute assload of money, so the board / people in control need more clearly defined dates as to when things will be delivered.

e. lmao that jira tweet is amazing

Code Jockey fucked around with this message at 08:41 on Feb 20, 2021

CarForumPoster
Jun 26, 2013

⚡POWER⚡

Code Jockey posted:

God I miss Jira. I used to administer our Jira system at helljob, and maaaan we had it running smooth. Customized, workflows with notifications and other nice bells and whistles, it was great.

I use Azure DevOps now. It is not Jira.

(and the name is stupid, too)

Where we are at now, we're doing kind of a hybrid waterfall / agile thing. The c-suite and directors want schedules, so we give them relatively rough schedules (read: overestimate time by 2x or 3x or so) and give them iterative milestones inside of that schedule once an initial scope has been declared for a project. Okay, this new system will have X Y and Z feature, all of which we can roll out progressively. We'll deliver feature X in Q3, Y in Q4 and Z in Q1 2022, based on what we know now. The directors, c-suiters and people who sign the checks nod, and off we go, iterating away against those dates. More often than not we deliver ahead of time, even with challenges / scope changes, that overestimation covers our asses - and when things go smooth, surprise! Your poo poo is done early! And we look great for it. :v:

And sometimes, as we get closer to delivering feature X, suddenly one of the stakeholders has a great idea, and they just must have a new thing added to the feature. At that point, we all get together on the engineering / project management side, swear a whole bunch on a Teams call, and then turn around and tell them to file a change request. That goes up to our steering committee, and if they approve the change, we recalibrate dates (or, if the dates are inflexible, talk about bringing on new resources or sacrificing other features) and continue on.

Thankfully I work at a relatively sane place, where all this tends to go smoothly. We do get change requests, but everyone tends to be an adult about it, they understand engineers are human beings who are an expensive as gently caress and finite resource, and can only do so much (my company is very, very conscious of work / life balance, and I love them for it) so those change requests usually aren't a big deal. The times they have been, when middle managers would start with the "how hard could it be? I'm not asking for that much" bullshit... those managers didn't last long, thankfully.

Having "agile but with waterfall-ish deliverable dates" makes sense for what I'm doing, because sometimes finance/accounting poo poo has to be done by a certain date, or that thing we're working on is going to save the company an absolute assload of money, so the board / people in control need more clearly defined dates as to when things will be delivered.

e. lmao that jira tweet is amazing

custom is haram
you hosed jira up badly
now others will pay

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

69420 basic bytes free

CarForumPoster posted:

custom is haram
you hosed jira up badly
now others will pay

lol

We had permissions defined as to who could change work items between what states - devs couldn't move their own poo poo out of code review for instance (the leads typically did, just to make sure nothing bypassed code review), only team leads could move things into special states, etc. After my company got bought out by the giant group of dickheads who bought us out, the front end development lead who I hated, and who fought me on everything I tried to improve, who immediately became the biggest boot licker to the new owners he could (and therefore survived every wave of layoffs and still works there to this day) came up to me and told me that I needed to take all of that out, because the new corporate people were having a hard time updating work items in the boards lmao

He never bothered to ask why corporate stakeholders were moving engineering work items around and updating their information, of course.

I smiled and did it, because I could still keep my team insulated from that nonsense. It's not like he really managed his own team, so I suppose taking care of this "problem" made him look better to them and what does he care if they're in there moving poo poo around?

AHH F/UGH
May 25, 2002

Charles Bukowski posted:

Come join me in my wood chopping venture. No time sheets, no jargon. Hell we ain't even gonna pay taxes.

Not gonna lie, I’ve been watching a lot of mountain man building log cabin/off grid videos during working hours lately and a lot of it seems really appealing. I mean, I’m sure I would hate it, but I also like the idea of selling wood and poo poo you have on your land for money. I’m in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=ohVyve_QZN4&feature=youtu.be

AHH F/UGH fucked around with this message at 10:21 on Feb 20, 2021

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goatface
Dec 5, 2007

I had a video of that when I was about 6.

I remember it being shit.


Grimey Drawer
The prospect of having a task in front of you that is absolutely in your control and immediately of obvious purpose, consequence and value. Gloriously simple.

You'd probably end up spending half your time working on advertising it and the other half managing a system to organise inventory, sales and delivery.

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