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mind the walrus posted:I have literally never seen this happen outside of lovely television and movies To boomers and other people who've never meaningfully experienced life outside suburban homes and schools, that doesn't matter.
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Mar 23, 2021 14:30
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Ghost Leviathan posted:To boomers and other people who've never meaningfully experienced life outside suburban homes and schools, that doesn't matter. Yep, Hallmark Channel and Lifetime movies have an audience for a reason. I'll admit I've watched bits I've caught on TV to see if I can guess whether or not they were filmed in Canada on the cheap. I found out one of them was actually filmed in my hometown, too.
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Mar 23, 2021 14:47
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So my husband and I decided to temporarily move out of our house due to a mold/mildew problem in the basement, we're living with his mom for now while we gut, clean, and redo our basement. And oh my god I struggled the first few days. I know she's the complete opposite of my own mom, but I'm so loving scared of making noise, or looking stupid by searching through drawers for dishes, I've been given permission to use any space and eat any food with zero exceptions. All my terror as a kid came flooding back, it was normal to always get yelled at or mocked for everything and anything. It takes me like 2 hours of trying to gas myself up in the morning just to go and eat my own food I brought from home. It's absurd. I'm legit really angry that I ended up like this. It's so stupid and I know it's stupid, but I just can't seem to get over it. It's only been a week, so I'm sure I will, but adjusting is hard. Realizing what I grew up with wasn't normal is hard. It might be good for me though. Maybe I can actually finally heal this part of me that I didn't realize was still very broken.
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Mar 23, 2021 21:03
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WrenP-Complete posted:To Megan Markle, according to her, is to emasculate a man to the point where the qualities that you admired in him in the first place are gone. Shouldn't this be "To Kardashian someone?" I mean, look at the history of that family
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Mar 23, 2021 21:06
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Picnic Princess posted:So my husband and I decided to temporarily move out of our house due to a mold/mildew problem in the basement, we're living with his mom for now while we gut, clean, and redo our basement. I hope that the anger at yourself can lead to sympathy and healing. I can definitely empathize at being mad that you feel like this stuff is normal, but as a kid the only normal you know is from your family. When my therapist first asked me if I had domestic violence in my home, I downplayed it because I felt like it was pretty normal but then kept checking my memories and getting more and more mad. (I made the mistake of asking my mom about it and she 'didn't remember' which like blew my mind and upset the hell out of me, that my mom could forget all the trauma she inflicted on my life, but that's another story.) But I'm proud of you for recognizing your fear isn't normal and that it was a self preservation action when you were younger.
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Mar 23, 2021 21:38
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Picnic Princess posted:So my husband and I decided to temporarily move out of our house due to a mold/mildew problem in the basement, we're living with his mom for now while we gut, clean, and redo our basement. From everything you say, it seems that your Mother in Law is very sweet, very kind and very understanding of your trauma. So there should be no worries. But even so, your anger and fear are still there and still real. But they will fade, because they are only there because you aren't used to experiencing this sort of kindness, and understanding when living under the roof of a "family home". But living at your husband's mum's house, (even if only for a while), will show you that you can have peace and love living in a family home, you can be welcome and safe in a family home, and you can have, and do deserve to have all of that in a family home that belongs to your family. Also, adjusting to living in a new house is always hard, even without years of horrible family trauma. So don't be hard on yourself for not feeling super comfortable immediately. These people love you, and understand you. It'll be OK.
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Mar 23, 2021 22:23
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Currently on the cusp of a shitstorm, so I need to vent. For years now my mother has inflicted her mental illness on me - she has paranoid delusions or some kind of extreme deep-set phobia of me dying in my sleep. I have no idea where it comes from. It's not based on anything from me. I may not be in perfect health but I'm certainly nowhere near deathly ill either. What happens is that if I'm not awake after X hours of sleep based on whatever arbitrary standards she pulled out of her rear end that day/night*, she will come into my bedroom to make sure I'm not dead and sate her panic. This generally involves noisily opening my door and even turning the light on in the dead of night so she can properly gawk at me and make sure I'm still breathing. Weirdly enough this tends to wake me up and is pretty goddamn upsetting. At this point getting angry with her doesn't faze her at all. She will literally smugly say "go ahead and yell at me" because she's internalized it as the cost of doing what her diseased mind tells her she's perfectly justified in doing.** So the previous time she pulled this poo poo my father took her aside and had a more thorough conversation with her that not everything is about her and about her comfort and her need to be invasively in control of everything. He also gave her an ultimatum: If she pulled this poo poo again, she would have to leave the house and move back in with her parents. Because it simply was not acceptable behavior at all and, at that time, she had been hammering on the same nerve for a week straight by doing other lovely things. Well, she went back to it again tonight. And now my father is beside himself because he clearly doesn't want to take the very step he threatened to take (he's actually threatened it before and obviously never actually followed up on it), and it's clearly very painful for him to do it. I think on some level he really did hope she would grow the gently caress up and just stop inflicting this on the household, but tbh I knew it was going to happen again eventually because she's simply not right in the head and there's no getting around it. This week has already been stressful for other reasons, so emotional exhaustion is already high. Naturally she has zero capability to read the loving room. *It's flimsily based on things like if she saw when I went to bed to start with (often she's still asleep herself so she has no clue) and things like how often I get up to take a piss. This creates a self-defeating act because she's infinitely more likely to think I"m dead if I'm having *an actual good night's sleep for once in my loving life*. She also obviously has no conception of whether or not I was fighting through insomnia, if I just decided to sleep in that day, or literally any other perfectly normal reason why someone might not spring straight out of bed after 7-8 hours. As long as my bedroom door is closed it is a black box that she simply cannot tolerate not knowing the inner workings. **She tells herself that this is normal mother behavior that all mothers do. She's claimed that all of her friends with kids act the exact same way. Emotional availability? Interest in my life? Support for my LGBTQAI+ poo poo? Nah, it's all about utter emotional neglect punctuated by random flare-ups of intense, crippling Worry and paranoia. Would you guess that her mother is a similar kind of overly pushy, smothering and constantly hovering type? Would you guess that she loving hates her mother and tries to avoid her at all costs? Would you guess that she also tells herself that she's nothing like her mother and that she isn't a bother and everything is totally normal and her children love her?
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Mar 24, 2021 05:22
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Wake her up every 2 hours for a week, see how she likes it.
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Mar 24, 2021 11:28
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Lord knows I've been tempted.
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Mar 24, 2021 12:02
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It sounds like it mostly bothers you that she is waking you up, not that she is watching. If that's true, you could try a baby monitor. Turn it on when you go to bed and she can stare at you all night long without bothering you. Or a little less intrusively maybe a smart watch? The kind that monitor your heartbeat and send it to a phone or a web page. If your heart is beating you aren't dead. Doesn't solve the real problem, mental illness, but it could be a band aid to help you survive for now.
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Mar 24, 2021 13:58
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No, it's definitely both. Beyond hating being observed at the best of times I'd fully expect such a solution to backfire and she'd come barging in every time I made a weird-sounding snort because I must have swallowed my tongue or some poo poo. Edit: To whit, we live in a noisy neighborhood where there's always somebody having their roof redone or somebody peeling out on their maximum loud crotch rocket or a plane flying overhead. Several times she's justified barging in by saying she "heard a noise" because obviously the first thing any sane person thinks is "loved one's death throes" and not "neighbor slammed their car door". John Murdoch fucked around with this message at 14:39 on Mar 24, 2021 |
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Mar 24, 2021 14:30
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John Murdoch posted:Currently on the cusp of a shitstorm, so I need to vent. This just sucks. Sorry, goon.
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Mar 24, 2021 15:27
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Facebook Aunt posted:It sounds like it mostly bothers you that she is waking you up, not that she is watching. If that's true, you could try a baby monitor. Turn it on when you go to bed and she can stare at you all night long without bothering you. Or a little less intrusively maybe a smart watch? The kind that monitor your heartbeat and send it to a phone or a web page. If your heart is beating you aren't dead. they should absolutely not have to do this what she’s doing is considered torture, op is entitled to sleep, privacy and bodily autonomy nishi koichi fucked around with this message at 16:08 on Mar 24, 2021 |
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Mar 24, 2021 16:05
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nishi koichi posted:they should absolutely not have to do this For sure, Op just shouldn't have to give up their autonomy because someone else's mental illness. Goon Mom needs help. Goon Dad probably has to step in sooner or later.
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Mar 24, 2021 16:12
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Like, actually really step in. Not just like threats of banishment.
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Mar 24, 2021 16:12
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John Murdoch posted:Currently on the cusp of a shitstorm, so I need to vent. I'm 100% on your side here, but this really sounds like OCD, and is treatable with therapy. Of course that would require her to realise that she is doing something wrong, which will clearly will never happen, but "get therapy or get out" is a reasonable ultimatum here. Good luck either way.
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Mar 24, 2021 16:46
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Make dad stay up outside your door and stop her. Once he experiences sleep deprivation, force an argument and get her kicked out.
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Mar 24, 2021 18:46
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It's very much not okay, I had to deal with that too, but mine wasn't that compulsive about it. For me it was "Two minutes late coming home from school? Dead. Listening to headphones instead of playing the stereo out loud? Dead." She absolutely needs therapy, it's extremely not okay to live life presuming someone is constantly dead.
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Mar 24, 2021 19:00
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John Murdoch posted:Currently on the cusp of a shitstorm, so I need to vent. That sounds horrible! Hopefully you can move out at some point.
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Mar 24, 2021 19:09
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Picnic Princess posted:It's very much not okay, I had to deal with that too, but mine wasn't that compulsive about it. For me it was "Two minutes late coming home from school? Dead. Listening to headphones instead of playing the stereo out loud? Dead." Oh. Oh. I moved three states away because my mom would not stop barging in my house in the morning because she thought I killed myself, as I didn't respond to her texts for two days. She still thinks something terrible has happened, and constantly tells me that she's be on a plane right now if it weren't for COVID. Going to have to talk strategy with my therapist soon.
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Mar 24, 2021 19:18
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John Murdoch posted:No, it's definitely both. Beyond hating being observed at the best of times I'd fully expect such a solution to backfire and she'd come barging in every time I made a weird-sounding snort because I must have swallowed my tongue or some poo poo. Can you put a lock on your door? You have the right to your own space here.
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Mar 24, 2021 22:46
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ohnobugs posted:Can you put a lock on your door? You have the right to your own space here. OTOH you're being woken up anyway, so it's worth a shot. And it's better than indulging the compulsion with a baby monitor or whatever - indulging irrational anxieties and compulsions just makes them worse.
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Mar 24, 2021 23:02
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Dongsturm posted:I'm 100% on your side here, but this really sounds like OCD, and is treatable with therapy. Of course that would require her to realise that she is doing something wrong, which will clearly will never happen, but "get therapy or get out" is a reasonable ultimatum here. Not to armchair doctor but, yeah, it really seems like ocd, and the baby monitor idea would be very bad because it facilitates engaging in the compulsion, when that's the opposite of what you want to do.
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Mar 24, 2021 23:06
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nishi koichi posted:they should absolutely not have to do this Absolutely, nobody should have to deal with it. Nevertheless, lots of people do. If a loved one has a mental illness sometimes it makes your life harder. The person with the mental illness isn't going to just get over it or grow out of it. Sometimes you can negotiate to make the situation more tolerable for a while. It would be great if their mom could get treatment to deal with their crippling anxiety, but that doesn't seem to be on the table.
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Mar 24, 2021 23:10
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Haifisch posted:This is what I was thinking, although I wouldn't be surprised if that was followed up by your mom breaking down the door/banging on it so loud it wakes you up/calling 911/etc. At least if she's pounding on the door every two hours she's waking everyone else up too and they can experience how awful OP has had it.  Edit: Ask your dad if you can install an exterior door lock with a key rather than the standard interior locks with the safety pinhole. If you trust your father and have genuine concerns about your health, you can give him a copy of the key, but I'd make him promise to either not tell your mother he has it or otherwise find a way to secure it. Either way, she doesn't touch it for any reason and she can't interrupt your sleep without interrupting his first. PoptartsNinja fucked around with this message at 23:21 on Mar 24, 2021 |
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Mar 24, 2021 23:10
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Haifisch posted:This is what I was thinking, although I wouldn't be surprised if that was followed up by your mom breaking down the door/banging on it so loud it wakes you up/calling 911/etc. It's going to be an argument, but it's a boundary that needs to be set. Mom needs to change behavior no matter what. I'm glad dad has at least half a spine. I think telling mom to get therapy, it's non-negotiable, etc, is better than threatening to kick her out. Thirding the baby monitor is a bad idea.
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Mar 24, 2021 23:11
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Dr. Stab posted:Not to armchair doctor but, yeah, it really seems like ocd, and the baby monitor idea would be very bad because it facilitates engaging in the compulsion, when that's the opposite of what you want to do. Aren't people with OCD generally capable of knowing their compulsions are irrational? This is through the lens of my own life, but I get the vibe that there's a big power element to what she's doing.
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Mar 25, 2021 00:48
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Clitch posted:Aren't people with OCD generally capable of knowing their compulsions are irrational? Often the compulsion isn't irrational. Obsessively checking that all the doors and windows are locked is OCD, but if they live in a bad part of town where murders have happened, they do have a good reason. You won't be able to convince them that checking 10 times before bed is too much. Similar for hygiene OCD, if they live in a country with poor public sanitation. Often the problem behaviour is good and rational, it is just happening too much. I agree with you, this sounds like a combination mental illness and lovely person. The smirk gives it away. If she genuinely believed in what she was doing, she would be confused when people tell her to stop. Plus, what could she do if he were dead? She can't bring him back to life, so leave the body until morning.
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Mar 25, 2021 02:23
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PoptartsNinja posted:Edit: Ask your dad if you can install an exterior door lock with a key rather than the standard interior locks with the safety pinhole. If you trust your father and have genuine concerns about your health, you can give him a copy of the key, but I'd make him promise to either not tell your mother he has it or otherwise find a way to secure it. Either way, she doesn't touch it for any reason and she can't interrupt your sleep without interrupting his first. No. This behavior should not be enabled, in any way. Mom's behavior needs to be addressed here. Which is difficult when you're dependent on a person like this who refuses to admit they have/are the problem. With people like this there's usually more than one issue as well. New behaviors will start popping up over time. e: Your heart's in the right place, but you cannot bargain with people like this. ohnobugs fucked around with this message at 02:38 on Mar 25, 2021 |
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Mar 25, 2021 02:34
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Dongsturm posted:Plus, what could she do if he were dead? She can't bring him back to life, so leave the body until morning. This is something my dad will often half-jokingly say in an attempt to assuage her. (And no, she doesn't know CPR or first aid or anything either.) ohnobugs posted:With people like this there's usually more than one issue as well. New behaviors will start popping up over time. Yeah I guess I should stress that this isn't like, a single one-off weird bullshit thing she does. She has a long, storied pattern of doing stuff on this same level. Ever since finding this thread I've been tempted to just lay out every last little thing, if only to vent. And I guess receive confirmation that I'm not being overly sensitive or neurotic and exaggerating how bad this all is. Haifisch posted:This is what I was thinking, although I wouldn't be surprised if that was followed up by your mom breaking down the door/banging on it so loud it wakes you up/calling 911/etc. So my dad actually did install a proper locking doorknob on the door to my computer room, to help take a step against this behavior (she'll do the same thing when I'm up there, especially because I often fall asleep at the keyboard*). Except in his usual incompetence and laziness the latch doesn't actually securely fit in the latchhole (or maybe the hinges are loose? idk). So if I do lock the door what happens is that she will find the knob won't turn, so she'll throw her entire weight against the door which will pop the drat thing open anyway. And the concept that the door being locked (or even closed) means at the bare loving minimum she should knock first does not exist in her mind whatsoever. He bought a second knob to do the same for the bedroom door and then just...didn't. And considering how well the other one worked it's a question of if it would even be worth doing. If I'm in my bedroom with the light on, for any reason, she feels that that's cause enough to come in to see what I could possibly be doing. The other month I was taking medication that could cause stomach upset if I lied down right after taking it, so one night before bed I sat down and noodled around on my tablet before going to sleep so the pill could settle. This freaked her right the gently caress out because it was something out of the ordinary, even though it was totally benign. She's actually walked right in on my buck naked rear end at least twice because her priority of making sure the used towels end up in the laundry basket completely overrides common loving sense that someone who just took a shower and is in their bedroom might be still getting dried off and dressed and doesn't want someone to storm in. (And it's not as if she was doing the laundry *immediately* either.) And as I think ya'll kind of intuited, my dad did not in fact throw her out and instead just kinda moped about it and then it's been brushed off yet again. He doesn't seem to understand that by making empty threats he's enabling her. She's clearly learned that there are no real consequences to her behavior. *Multiple times when I've nodded off at my computer she has barged in, talked at my unconscious body, and then when I finally stir from the noise she'll basically just go "oh" and leave and then later claim I was already awake when she came in and there was nothing unusual about the situation. In general she either concocts excuses to come in or like the towels thing inane bullshit overrides any basic sense - letting me know I can have the rest of the rye bread is treated with about the same level of gravitas as when she threw open the door to tell me my paternal grandfather had died. John Murdoch fucked around with this message at 03:49 on Mar 25, 2021 |
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Mar 25, 2021 03:47
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Yeah, she's insane and has no real concept that you are a person with boundaries and needs.
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Mar 25, 2021 05:05
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She allows you no boundaries at all. That's cool and normal 
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Mar 25, 2021 05:38
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Install your own locks. It's extremely easy. I would use deck screws or similar like shown in that video, because they specifically add strength against people throwing their weight against the door. The other important thing is that the strike plate is solid metal. Avoid buying cheap locksets, because they'll have flimsy plates (some so bad you can bend them by hand).
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Mar 25, 2021 06:13
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Get a nice, hefty strike plate too. Sustained sleep disruption can be traumatic and have long-term effects. It's a legit torture tactic. Take care of yourself.
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Mar 25, 2021 06:42
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Thank you to everyone in this thread; all of your contributions have given me strength to stay NC with my immediate family. I'm always excited and dismayed when I see it pop up again. To add: I went no contact with my immediate family over a year ago, for various reasons. Specifically the backstory with my brother - I was working in the bay area, and I was traveling a lot (flying over 50k miles a year). My brother the golden child has no concept of a budget or credit, so he was living in a crappy apartment and really struggling to make ends meet. I feel bad for my brother, because he has no idea how to be an adult, so I figured it would be a win-win situation to have him rent out my spare bedroom. He pays less in rent, I get some extra cash, somebody is around to watch the house while I'm gone, and I can teach him how to be an adult. That was a horrible failure. He trashed the house, spent every penny on DoorDash, and the entire time he was telling everyone that I was mentally weak, and that he was taking care of me. He learned nothing. There's a lot of other things going on when I finally told him to never contact me again for any reason, but it could be summed up by saying that he is literally the shittiest person I have ever known. Well I guess that his lovely habits have caught up with him - I got a text a month ago from my aunt saying ''not sure how much you care, but your brother is in the ICU with diabetic ketoaciditosis, your mom found him on the floor after the weekend'. I didn't care then, but I thanked my aunt for telling me and said that I hoped he learned his lesson but I was doubtful. As it turns out, he had a lot more going on. From his (absurd, self serving) social media post: - Laying on the floor of his apartment for the entire weekend with a blood sugar over 1000 (he made sure to point out he could've had a heart attack or a stroke, but he survived) - LOL it was like being super drunk - MOMMY came and found him and took him to the hospital - ICU, diabetic ketoaciditosis, 'Guess I'll just have to learn how to live as a TYPE 2 diabetic' -' I guess my body just wasnt done with me, because I had to go back to the hospital for pancreatitis and a chest infection' Not a single iota of personal responsibility, all just coincidental horrible things that happen to a 40 year old (who eats drive through twice a day, is at least a hundred pounds overweight, and is a heavy smoker). I thought him suffering would be cathartic, especially being a victim of the exact thing I was trying to prevent, but it's not. The hardest part is imagining how incredibly lovely that would be for my brother... my dad would have been furious that he showed weakness, there is no chance that anyone visited him at all, and I can absolutely promise that my mom hit a drive through when she took him home from the hospital (I can even hear her saying 'but I'm huuuungry') Even if he has fantastic health insurance, he is going to be paying for this visit for a very long time. That is the biggest nightmare scenario I could imagine realistically happening to me, and it happened to the aforementioned shittiest person I know, and for whatever reason I'm still sympathetic. Not sympathetic to get involved in any possible way, but still sympathetic. I wish I could stop caring for people who only want to hurt me
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Mar 25, 2021 06:47
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Facebook Aunt posted:Absolutely, nobody should have to deal with it. Nevertheless, lots of people do. If a loved one has a mental illness sometimes it makes your life harder. The person with the mental illness isn't going to just get over it or grow out of it. Sometimes you can negotiate to make the situation more tolerable for a while. indulging her isn’t the answer and op has rights. the father needs to step in and be a father i have ocd, i understand compulsion. but when my compulsions interfere with another person’s human rights, that needs to be dealt with, one way or another. giving in to her ridiculous smothering will not work like, what happens when they do put a baby monitor in the room (christ, how infantilizing!) and the woman hears op snort in their sleep or something, and freaks out anyway? or should she stare at op’s pulse monitor all night? gently caress no i’ve been in similar situations with my harridan mother and it will never end. you have to draw a line somewhere. autonomy. autonomy. Clitch posted:Get a nice, hefty strike plate too. yes, it is a torture tactic. nishi koichi fucked around with this message at 15:36 on Mar 25, 2021 |
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Mar 25, 2021 15:11
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it’s such bullshit to have all the sympathy and coddling in the world for the abuser but none for the abused
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Mar 25, 2021 16:26
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Clitch posted:Aren't people with OCD generally capable of knowing their compulsions are irrational? Even when I was younger and a lot less in control of symptoms, yeah. I always knew my compulsions were irrational and self destructive. I also tried to hide them as best I could because I didn't want to have to manufacture excuses for them.
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Mar 25, 2021 16:43
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Besides, even if mental illness is a factor - which is likely - it's her responsibility to take responsibility and get treated. Mental illness doesn't make someone force everyone else to enable their unhealthy behaviors rather than try to get help and work on their own behavior, and if someone is truly unable to regulate their behavior and stop hurting themselves and others even when they are getting appropriate help, then they need to be in an environment where they're not able to abuse people.
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Mar 25, 2021 16:52
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And yeah, I wouldn't say I have full-blown OCD, but I have some OCD behaviors/symptoms, namely tricotillomania. When it flares up, I know I have no reason to pull out my hair strand by strand and that it will make things harder for me in the future, but there's a sort of mental pressure and release cycle going on there. Anxiety and stress builds up as pressure, and when I engage in my compulsions, there's an instant sensation of release and relief. No idea if that's how other people feel about their compulsions, but I figured my experience might be interesting to someone.
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Mar 25, 2021 16:59
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