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Their desire to subjugate their son overcomes their desire to have him move out. It sounds contradictory because they want him gone, but if he leaves they have no one to control. Plus they don’t want anything good for him so why not do all they can to prevent him from doing anything he needs that will facilitate him getting the gently caress out of there? Guessing it’s their car he is using to do all these things?
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May 3, 2021 18:59
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Light Gun Man posted:
These kinds of people do love using living arrangements to control people. Easy way to shut people down is to threaten to kick them out and then use all the anger and anxiety that causes against them. Until they actually do move out, then they try and stop them. They overcommited and are now losing their punching bag.
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May 3, 2021 19:02
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yeah, that's basically what I thought as well and told him. it is their car but it's like a "spare" one only he uses and has had permission to use until just now, because abuse. They each have their own, newer/nice car to use. edit: for the sake of establishing the kind of poo poo he's dealing with, his mother recently demanded he "fix her phone" because it's "not working". turns out she's been swiping right to answer calls (which on her phone is the red / don't answer) when she needs to swipe left. he tells her this and shows her several times and gets something like "WELL IT'S RIGHT FOR ME". Lady cannot even accept she's in the wrong when it comes to left and right. Light Gun Man fucked around with this message at 20:14 on May 3, 2021 |
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May 3, 2021 20:10
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I really hate that "What Other People Say" song that's getting played constantly on the radio. It keeps reminding me of this thread: "If your child doesn't call you every week, they don't love you and/or don't care that you love them. They're probably drug addicts or involved in violent crime - but what do you expect when they not only leave home but leave town for a big West Coast city? And they used to be so good when they were a kid, going to church and everything, but now they don't even respect the parent! They put other people above the parent, not caring that their actions reflect back - they don't care that they're carrying around [my] last name, which I gave them, and they're yet to be grateful for! That is something deserving of such devotion that they should want to be just. like. me." Perhaps the problem is with me, but that song really grates on a nerve because I just know how some of the estranged parent forums will hear it.
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May 3, 2021 23:23
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I have a friend who's abusive parents literally tried to get legal guardianship over him when he escapwd on his 18th birthday, and tried to argue the (perfectly pleasant if slightly weird) people who took him in and basically adopted him had kidnapped him. Fuuuuuck controlling people. Edit: Just in case anyone was worried the whole thing worked out fine but it was a lot of stress on him just to inflict stress. PetraCore fucked around with this message at 23:48 on May 3, 2021 |
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May 3, 2021 23:41
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be prepared for them to call the cops on him the day he leaves. not saying it's a certainty, but it's absolutely a possibility. make sure everything is square and he isn't taking anything that doesn't legally belong to him, even if he was given express permission to use it it happened to me
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May 3, 2021 23:52
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Funnily enough when my dad and I had a row last time he was mainly mad because I’m not just like him. He even said he wanted me to be like him in an email. The fact I’m not was a fact that caused him much distress and he told me repeatedly in email (I wasn’t taking his calls, see, and when he said if I didn’t take his calls that he would show up at my house, I told him that should he show up here at my door it won’t go well for him) that I was being disrespectful and not honoring him as my father. Then he would eventually start complaining that I was being so cold and distant to him because, I poo poo you not, I was basically not giving him the reaction I knew he wanted as he hurled accusations and insults at me. Everything I read on issendai has at least a little piece of something he’s done or said; I can read passages or quotes from EPs and think back more often than not to a memory that is a perfect example of what I’d just read.
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May 3, 2021 23:54
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nishi koichi posted:be prepared for them to call the cops on him the day he leaves. not saying it's a certainty, but it's absolutely a possibility. make sure everything is square and he isn't taking anything that doesn't legally belong to him, even if he was given express permission to use it If he can afford it then it might be a good idea to leave a day early and stay at a motel. So they think they have one more night for their final plays, but he's just gone without warning.
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May 4, 2021 00:15
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Mother's day sucks for two reasons. The first is that it's a huge source of guilt, anxiety, sadness, anger, etc. for so many people. Particularly if you don't have the perfect Hallmark relationship with your mom. The second is that in its current form, it exists almost entirely to sell Hallmark cards and whatever else corporations push for the holiday.
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May 4, 2021 00:26
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nishi koichi posted:be prepared for them to call the cops on him the day he leaves. not saying it's a certainty, but it's absolutely a possibility. make sure everything is square and he isn't taking anything that doesn't legally belong to him, even if he was given express permission to use it Facebook Aunt posted:If he can afford it then it might be a good idea to leave a day early and stay at a motel. So they think they have one more night for their final plays, but he's just gone without warning. We've been considering this exact plan, yes. Up to him i suppose. I told him we can get a few nights at a hotel to hopefully guard against this. I wonder if they would actually attempt to figure out which one he went to though... Grimdude posted:Mother's day sucks for two reasons. The first is that it's a huge source of guilt, anxiety, sadness, anger, etc. for so many people. Particularly if you don't have the perfect Hallmark relationship with your mom. assuming he can get to his flight, he's gonna be leaving on mother's day, which is accidental but still feels like a power move.
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May 4, 2021 00:32
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Light Gun Man posted:We've been considering this exact plan, yes. Up to him i suppose. I told him we can get a few nights at a hotel to hopefully guard against this. I wonder if they would actually attempt to figure out which one he went to though... There's no car for them to recognize while cruising the parking lot, and he can request to stay privately or anonymously. That means the hotel won't give out his room number to randos. Might check and make sure that's an option for whichever hotel. Once he's out of the house, if they show up, he can call the police on their asses. Assuming he's over 18.
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May 4, 2021 01:07
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Don't forget about credit card receipts or digital paper trails of which hotel he's booked, just in case they're the kind of parents who trawl their kids' email / access their bank account. I wish your friend all the best!
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May 4, 2021 02:05
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Light Gun Man posted:assuming he can get to his flight, he's gonna be leaving on mother's day, which is accidental but still feels like a power move. lol nice
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May 4, 2021 02:12
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Light Gun Man posted:assuming he can get to his flight, he's gonna be leaving on mother's day, which is accidental but still feels like a power move. But you know they'll assume it was to hurt them. Mother's Day every years reminds me of the manager I had once who conversationally asked me if I was planning anything for Mother's Day twice before Mother's Day and once after and every time I had to tell her that my mother was dead. She lived with one of her sons, who was divorced, and had some extremely unflattering and unlikely things to say about his ex-wife. She was a piece of work.
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May 4, 2021 03:14
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ohnobugs posted:There's no car for them to recognize while cruising the parking lot, and he can request to stay privately or anonymously. That means the hotel won't give out his room number to randos. Might check and make sure that's an option for whichever hotel. Once he's out of the house, if they show up, he can call the police on their asses. Assuming he's over 18. good advice, thank you. Lieutenant Dan posted:Don't forget about credit card receipts or digital paper trails of which hotel he's booked, just in case they're the kind of parents who trawl their kids' email / access their bank account. I wish your friend all the best! thankfully this part shouldn't be an issue. at least we got that going for us. nishi koichi posted:lol nice lol right trickybiscuits posted:But you know they'll assume it was to hurt them. seems like a them problem to me!
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May 4, 2021 03:21
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Best of luck to your friend, Light Gun Man! May he never have to talk to those assholes again after he leaves.
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May 4, 2021 03:40
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Deki posted:My mom treated my adhd diagnosis like being diagnosed as retarded (her wording). Having mad flashbacks to a partner I had in college who did that when she found out I had diagnosed ADHD. Probably should've been more of a clue as to what she was, frankly.
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May 4, 2021 15:24
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Worst part is when they treat you like a genius savant or an invalid depending entirely on what's more convenient for them at that moment.
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May 4, 2021 15:43
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"You're way too smart to be behaving in such a stupid manner!" vs "You have no common sense you'll never make it in the real world." When I decided against reenlisting in the Navy, it turned into "You'll never survive on your own without an institution to take care of you."
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May 4, 2021 17:57
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ohnobugs posted:There's no car for them to recognize while cruising the parking lot, and he can request to stay privately or anonymously. That means the hotel won't give out his room number to randos. Might check and make sure that's an option for whichever hotel. Once he's out of the house, if they show up, he can call the police on their asses. Assuming he's over 18. Adding to this a piece of advice I've seen around: if he calls the police, he shouldn't say that it's family or parents who are trying to harass him or gain entry to his hotel. Cops are so wonderfully competent that they are unlikely to take any family issue seriously. I saw someone post on JustnoMIL about her MIL trying to break into her home and when they reported the attempt to the police, they were chided for not letting the mom in. "She's your mom! She just wants to see you."
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May 4, 2021 18:25
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ElHuevoGrande posted:"You're way too smart to be behaving in such a stupid manner!" vs "You have no common sense you'll never make it in the real world." When I decided against reenlisting in the Navy, it turned into "You'll never survive on your own without an institution to take care of you." the fun thing about this too is that it often also comes along with the parent(s) not actually teaching you life skills and keeping you sheltered, depriving you of the "common sense" you need to make it in the "real world" and thus creating and perpetuating the reason to continue controlling you.
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May 4, 2021 19:00
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Classic Comrade posted:the fun thing about this too is that it often also comes along with the parent(s) not actually teaching you life skills and keeping you sheltered, depriving you of the "common sense" you need to make it in the "real world" and thus creating and perpetuating the reason to continue controlling you. See also 'You're too young, you'll just mess it up' slipping smoothly into 'You're old enough you should already know this by now'.
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May 4, 2021 19:22
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I've been through all of the above, and it's all a means of keeping you controlled, they do whatever they can to make you wrong to prove that you're incapable of anything. I am hoping for your friend to get out as smoothly as possible, even if that's still a rough exit. Life can get harder when you flee your parent's home, but it also gets better, making it worth the struggle.
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May 4, 2021 20:11
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Just found this thread and woooboy. My ex-girlfriend of 6 years had an extremely controlling mom. Her mom would expect a call/facetime every single day. Lied to her mom that I was over at her apartment almost everyday because we were not married (we are in our early 30s). Lied to her mom about going to church every Sunday. Lying was her way of just make dealing with her mom 'easier'. If her mom wanted to do something or go somewhere with my ex-girlfriend, my ex didn't know how to say no. My ex-girlfriend felt like she had very little autonomy even though she lived 100 miles away. So that's why my ex-girlfriend would visit her parents (and roped me into it) almost every weekend. The reason she is my ex is because the abusive stuff her my ex experienced from her mom — my ex did to me. I fell into depression, lost my appetite, woke up drenched in sweat multiple times, cried almost everyday, started having suicidal thoughts, and yet she still kept emotionally abusing me. I didn't know I was being abused because I was made to believe everything 'wrong' in the relationship was my fault. Now I have trauma/cPTSD, still cry a lot, but at least I'm not being abused. Despite how much it all sucked for me in the past couple of years, there's something interesting about how boundary crossing and abuse can pass on like a virus. My ex grew up with a lifetime of emotional/mental abuse and control from her mom and then continued the same behaviors onto me. 
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May 4, 2021 21:58
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Back when I was seeing a therapist, I explained to her my frustration with how my parents, even when I explicitly asked, never bothered to teach me how to use the laundry machines. And her response was to simply say "well you know you can look that sort of thing up on Youtube". Just not at all understanding what I was trying to articulate and not taking it as the red flag it is. 
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May 5, 2021 06:57
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Oh boy mother's Day time to act like her alcoholism and neglect didn't result in her kids getting molested by a sexual predator, a fact she remains completely unaware of over 15 years later.
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May 5, 2021 08:00
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ben shapino posted:Oh boy mother's Day time to act like her alcoholism and neglect didn't result in her kids getting molested by a sexual predator, a fact she remains completely unaware of over 15 years later. Why act like that. Throw it in her face until the day she dies.
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May 5, 2021 08:25
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I was also a "gifted/difficult" child, and when I kept bumping into things as a toddler, my parents took me to the optometrist and got me glasses. When my kindergarten teacher called them and said I might be developmentally challenged they said "he gets testy if you ask him to fit pegs into holes, try asking him something that require a little thought," which they did and it turns out I was perfectly functional, if a bit contrary. Super basic poo poo, and it baffles me how many parents manage to stumble over those hurdles.
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May 5, 2021 10:51
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I haven't told my parents I'm Gender Mysterious yet and frankly I don't think that's going to go over well, but it's weighing on me so much that I may just have to tell them, let them do what they're going to do, and decide on the fly if/how I'm going to respond. If they act lovely, that's that and I'm not going to have them in my life anymore, because I'm non-binary, it's not going to change, and I can't keep pretending to the outside world that I'm a high femme girl anymore. It would be likely much easier for them to swallow if I were binary trans but, that's not going to be a thing. Almost everyone in my social life knows, most of them well before I did. I've been out to most of my IRL friends for a few years. But it's starting to hurt to pretend to work people, my parents. I already cut out all the Q-people in my family a few years ago so thankfully they don't know poo poo about me. They don't even know I moved cross country twice. Oh well.
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May 5, 2021 13:00
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My spouse's mother isn't as bad as my family, but she's one of those people that thinks she knows better, regardless of the situation, and that everyone else is full of poo poo, especially her kids and their partners. "I've never heard of that" is her way of telling you that she thinks you're either lying or lazy. So unfortunately last week we had to put down our cat after eleven years because he developed an inoperable cancerous tumor in his mouth. There was absolutely nothing that could have been done and it's been particularly hard on us. When we first told her it was happening, she showed sympathy. Then, the morning of the euthanization, she started texting "Why wasn't this discovered during his checkup last year? Why didn't you take him for this or that test? What about chemo?" and we're both still livid. She hasn't spoken to her mother since, but now has to get on the phone with her on Sunday for Mother's Day.
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May 5, 2021 14:36
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Pope Corky the IX posted:My spouse's mother isn't as bad as my family, but she's one of those people that thinks she knows better, regardless of the situation, and that everyone else is full of poo poo, especially her kids and their partners. "I've never heard of that" is her way of telling you that she thinks you're either lying or lazy. My egg donor does this, but she says "what does that even mean???" like it's utterly incomprehensible. She last did this to me when i told her i was nonbinary five years ago and would not loving listen to me when i tried to explain it, just brushed it off. I cut her off later that year, she sent passive aggressive emails to me every year on my birthday, often containing things like pictures of her pregnant with me and saccharine bullshit. She didn't send one this year or last though, so i hope it's over. She has a loving replacement family anyways, in her eyes I'll always be a fuckup.
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May 5, 2021 15:25
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This is the first mother's day since I told my dad exactly how lovely and actively abusive my stepmom has been to me since I was a kid. Always when nobody else was around, and always sadly/ faux-compassionately denying it when I tried to bring it up to him. "I don't understand why you'd say such mean things about me when I've done nothing but be kind and try to love you! Don't I get to be part of this family too? Why are you pushing me out when I care about you so much?" Dad bought her poo poo hook, line and sinker-- "she'd never do that" "why are you lying" "you're just trying to poison my relationship because you're jealous you don't get all my attention any more" "you just don't want me to be happy." She took especial delight in telling me horrible things she thought about my dad (her dissatisfaction with their sex life, the fact that she'd leave him if he ever got cancer, saying she was just with him for his salary), knowing that if I told him, he'd assume I was just trying to poison his relationship. And, if I didn't tell him, she got to watch me suffer with the knowledge that someone I loved very much was going to hurt and there was nothing I could do about it without risking homelessness. A large part of me suspects, though can't confirm, that he knew she was abusive toward me but didn't care because of his demonstrable contempt for me as a person. Even now all he does is clam up instead of actively denying it. I'm going to wish my grandma and my fiance's aunt a very happy Mother's Day, and if my dad tries to get me to wish his terrible wife one, I'm going to tell him to find and suck the grossest most unwashed gangrenous chode he can find.
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May 5, 2021 15:38
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They clam up, claim ignorance, or warble it off with mealy-mouthed rambling because they don't want to acknowledge or think about it. There's nothing there to be gained.
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May 5, 2021 15:45
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Ghost Leviathan posted:They clam up, claim ignorance, or warble it off with mealy-mouthed rambling because they don't want to acknowledge or think about it. There's nothing there to be gained. There's also the classic "shout at your kid for even daring to bring it up, and it didn't even happen, so how dare you"
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May 5, 2021 16:04
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The enablers are every bit as lovely as the abusers.
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May 5, 2021 16:16
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I cyberstalk my dad from time to time since I need to know when he's dead so I can challenge his will and try to claw back something, and it never fails to irk me that he mentions his volunteer work with orphanages because "kids need help from the more fortunate since they dont have families." I turn 32 in a few weeks and I'm just starting to finish cleaning up after his divorce when I was 13. This is the dude that turned everyone but my mom against me, including the church community (adultery is okay but resisting your dad trying to kill you is just not acceptable  ) and then spent the next 17 years harassing me with lawyers and proxies while sitting in a country with no extradition treaty. The only reason he stopped was because I finally managed to cut off every tie in 2019, followed by a weaselly "hey we lost a lot of time together do you wanna meet" email, a sure sign I finally beat him.God drat I cant wait until he's in the ground
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May 5, 2021 16:24
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i still have no idea how im going to come out to my mom and siblings as trans (well, coming out again; i tried the first time at age 16 and it was horrible) i don't like the idea of doing it over the phone or zoom but on the other hand i live more than an hour away from my mom (and quite a few hours away from one of my siblings) so the only way we'd meet up in real life would be for something like mother's day or my mom's birthday and then i'd feel like i was ruining a chill event this isn't stopping me from transitioning or anything; i have my first appointment for setting hrt up in a few weeks. i just know coming out is going to be extremely bad and i don't know how to make it any easier for myself. this thread (and a book on c-ptsd, and moving out of my mom's house) has really helped me realize how toxic things with my mom have been for years (i used to mainly focus on my dad because he was more obviously abusive) and also helped me work thru a lot of that trauma so there's that at least 
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May 5, 2021 17:17
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Light Gun Man posted:We've been considering this exact plan, yes. Up to him i suppose. I told him we can get a few nights at a hotel to hopefully guard against this. I wonder if they would actually attempt to figure out which one he went to though... Have him tell them he's leaving on the 11th or something, when in fact he's leaving on the 9th. Drop a fake ticket or whatnot, then go to a hotel and stay anonymously. I had a family member who MAGICALLY had car accidents/illnesses/disasters on important days, who also magically continued to have those problems on dates we listed were our travel days. I'll never forget how mad she got when she found out we were already in Florida, just as she called to tell us that we couldn't possibly go on vacation due to her most recent tragedy.
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May 5, 2021 17:37
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FearCotton posted:Have him tell them he's leaving on the 11th or something, when in fact he's leaving on the 9th. Drop a fake ticket or whatnot, then go to a hotel and stay anonymously. I had a family member who MAGICALLY had car accidents/illnesses/disasters on important days, who also magically continued to have those problems on dates we listed were our travel days. I'll never forget how mad she got when she found out we were already in Florida, just as she called to tell us that we couldn't possibly go on vacation due to her most recent tragedy. yeah for whatever reason he's been resistant to properly withholding info and or lying to them about a lot of this. he did finally say hard no to answering where he was going specifically. your story sounds great though, hell yeah. anyway, he's in a hotel now. hopefully it's just rideshares for a couple things and delivery food from here. chill at a hotel until plane time and gtfo. hopefully.
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May 5, 2021 18:39
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Classic Comrade posted:i still have no idea how im going to come out to my mom and siblings as trans (well, coming out again; i tried the first time at age 16 and it was horrible) Why tell them? Will it help you?
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May 5, 2021 19:28
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