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Ograbme posted:drat it, another letter from a collections agency about the delinquent cable TV account my stepdad set up using my SS#. Uh, that’s no poo poo identity theft and will haunt you and gently caress you over. Take that power back and yes it’s a Reddit link but 100 percent sincerity you NEED to take action on this https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/identity_theft
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May 14, 2021 07:42
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teen witch posted:Uh, that’s no poo poo identity theft and will haunt you and gently caress you over. Take that power back and yes it’s a Reddit link but 100 percent sincerity you NEED to take action on this Gotta cosign Teen Witch on this one, that Identity Theft will gently caress you over (if it's not doing so already), and if you do nothing, your stepdad might get bolder and start using your identity for other things, like large cash loans, mortgages, things that will gently caress over your future if left unchecked. It might be a headache to get this resolved, but the faster you get it resolved, not only the faster the credit check companies might make you whole, but also the faster you can prevent future attempts by him to gently caress your credit. Also, if you have proof it was your stepdad, file a police report.
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May 14, 2021 10:49
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wins.
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Mormon Nailer is a beyond god-tier username. gently caress.... Anyway, I've been reflecting for the last few months on my own family situation, and it's really confusing. It's not literally abusive as so many of you have had to deal with, it's more about the absences. Never getting brought to the doctor, or dentist past early childhood. Never feeling safe or reassured or knowing 'you can come to me, I'll support you, no matter what' the absolute opposite in fact. It's always been the fact that if I've had a big problem, I have to work out a way to communicate it to them in a way they can handle so as to not make them completely freak out. I never get to break down and get supported, I have to keep it together so they aren't overwhelmed. I have to manage my own trauma so as to not be a bother. My father ignores everything as long as there isn't the slightest whiff of criticism directed at him, and my mother has two reactions - ignore the problem, or scream at the problem until it goes away. It's surprisingly effective! We all learned to be toxically incapable of accepting help or support because hahaha accepting help always ends up meaning paying back a debt you never saw coming.
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May 14, 2021 20:57
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Pookah posted:Mormon Nailer is a beyond god-tier username. gently caress.... Neglect absolutely is abuse. This is beyond neglect though, because you have had to provide emotional support for your parents, rather than the other way around. I hope that you can get away from it soon
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May 14, 2021 21:08
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That that stuff still totally sucks. If you can distance yourself, you will probably enjoy your life more by doing so.
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May 14, 2021 21:11
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Dongsturm posted:Neglect absolutely is abuse. This is beyond neglect though, because you have had to provide emotional support for your parents, rather than the other way around. Thank you, that is 110% the plan. Covid makes it harder but also in a weird way, easier, because the lockdowns made poo poo more obvious. Just how many of my stressors are family-related is INSANE. Rents/house prices here super suck, but I really want to get me and my brother out. He's a really good guy who deserves better 
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May 14, 2021 21:15
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What I can never understand is that, I get that my mother probably got her issues from my grandma, who got sent away from home to childless relatives when she was little, so definitely had huuuge trust issues. But I was raised all weird and my reaction is to protect my dog (rescue, many many trust issues) from being afraid and to help him feel safe and loved. Like they were hurt, and they do the same thing, I was hurt and I really loving don't want to pass it on because it's awful. Goddamn you idiots, dont keep doing the same poo poo, it's awful 
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May 14, 2021 21:31
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Pookah posted:Thank you, that is 110% the plan. Covid makes it harder but also in a weird way, easier, because the lockdowns made poo poo more obvious. Just how many of my stressors are family-related is INSANE. Rents/house prices here super suck, but I really want to get me and my brother out. He's a really good guy who deserves better Keep us updated, and best of luck with it
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May 14, 2021 21:37
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Pookah posted:What I can never understand is that, I get that my mother probably got her issues from my grandma, who got sent away from home to childless relatives when she was little, so definitely had huuuge trust issues. But I was raised all weird and my reaction is to protect my dog (rescue, many many trust issues) from being afraid and to help him feel safe and loved. It sucks, but the the world is getting better. Thanks to the internet, this might actually be the first time in history that people are sharing and experimenting with wild ideas like "maybe we shouldn't get drunk and abuse our children" The future might end up good, if we don't completely destroy the environment first.
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May 14, 2021 22:37
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I got my weird worried puppy asleep in my arms and I'm not gonna move because it'll make him uncomfy. I love this good dog and it makes me feel better about human connections, because if I can care about making a little dog feel safe, then I'm not a gently caress up. They are, I'm ok 
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May 14, 2021 22:38
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Pookah posted:What I can never understand is that, I get that my mother probably got her issues from my grandma, who got sent away from home to childless relatives when she was little, so definitely had huuuge trust issues. But I was raised all weird and my reaction is to protect my dog (rescue, many many trust issues) from being afraid and to help him feel safe and loved. Our generation is less lead poisoned than our parents'. Seriously.
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May 14, 2021 23:15
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Pookah posted:I got my weird worried puppy asleep in my arms and I'm not gonna move because it'll make him uncomfy. I love this good dog and it makes me feel better about human connections, because if I can care about making a little dog feel safe, then I'm not a gently caress up. They are, I'm ok Nothing feels better than earning the trust of a skittish animal. Enjoy that snuggle (hope you don't have to pee).
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May 14, 2021 23:33
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The cycle has to stop, and it takes a resilient person to realize that. My dad, for all the negative poo poo in my life I’ve dealt with because of him and all the endless screaming and lectures about my grades in school and the politics and authoritarianism and all that, really did try the best he could. He stopped the cycle of dads walking away, in my family. His dad left him, his two younger brothers, and my grandma to fend for themselves and they grew up dirt poor...my dad didn’t get a chance to really be a kid because he was surrogate dad to his brothers. He definitely has some narcissistic tendencies, but at least he didn’t leave his family. On the flip side, I have a lot of learned behaviors I’ve had to unlearn upon becoming a parent and it’s incredibly hard—I just refuse to be the same parent my dad was, I want to give my two kids the childhood I didn’t have, to give them the chance to be a kid. My had insane expectations of me that were impossible for a child to meet, so when I inevitably didn’t meet them it was less than ideal
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May 15, 2021 01:22
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You can also take proactive steps in education and support to help you break the cycle. If no one modeled good parenting for you, you may not know how to do it. You know what don't want to do, but not what to do instead. My mom went to college and took a year long child care worker certification course to help her learn the skills and techniques her own abusive family never taught her. That's probably excessive. But there are parenting classes and support groups that can help you learn the skills and techniques you missed out on. You're not a hamster, you can't expect instinct alone will teach you everything you need to know.
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May 15, 2021 01:40
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Early on in therapy, I did the making excuses for my parents thing(they both had genuinely hosed up childhoods). My therapist stopped me. "Where are you, right now?" "A therapist's office?" "Right. You recognized you had a problem and needed help. You're here taking responsibility for yourself. What stopped them from doing that?" That was the end of excusing my parents' actions.
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May 17, 2021 22:18
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your therapist just blew my mind
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May 17, 2021 23:17
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Pookah posted:I got my weird worried puppy asleep in my arms and I'm not gonna move because it'll make him uncomfy. I love this good dog and it makes me feel better about human connections, because if I can care about making a little dog feel safe, then I'm not a gently caress up. They are, I'm ok This is how I feel about my little cat, I just want to protect her and love her and pet her and see her run around all happy and cuddly. Making her feel safe makes me really happy.  Honestly though, the more I love and care for my cat and girlfriend/friends, the less I understand why the hell my mom acts the way she does.Clitch posted:Early on in therapy, I did the making excuses for my parents thing(they both had genuinely hosed up childhoods).
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May 18, 2021 14:25
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"Fighting back won't get you anywhere. That's just how it is." Shut the gently caress up, mom. Jesus Christ.
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May 18, 2021 14:54
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The worst part of having a lovely parent is eventually having your own kid and feeling this sick urge to in some ways parent like they did. Every once in a while I can feel my dad about to crawl his way up my throat and out my mouth and it's a serious "whoa gently caress no" and walk away moment for me. My wife's education is in child behavioral therapy so she's been a saving grace to help me be a good parent but loving hell your parents filth can stick to you like tar.
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May 18, 2021 15:06
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I find myself almost saying things my parents used to say, like "this is MY HOUSE and there are RULES" and I always stop myself before I can get mad and say it. I just, I hate it. It's a loving virus.
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May 18, 2021 15:11
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A common term I've seen used for things you pick up from abusive people is 'fleas'
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May 18, 2021 20:06
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Tunicate posted:A common term I've seen used for things you pick up from abusive people is 'fleas' Yeah, this was revelatory for me the first time I learned of it. It makes so much sense now, just being immersed in all this horrible energy and behavior is destined to affect someone, especially when they're developing. I don't have kids but just knowing it helps a lot to recognize bad behavior that I will almost perform on instinct. But I try really hard not to.
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May 18, 2021 20:33
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I remember ten years ago or so my ex-wife and I held a barbecue at our apartment for our respective families and friends after they helped us move into the new place. At one point I used the word “loving” as an adjective and my father interrupted me in front of everyone to ask “Since when do you curse in front of your parents?” I replied “I know you usually forget my birthday, but you do know I’m twenty-seven, right?” “I’m your father” he countered and that’s when I responded with “And it’s my house” and with that he convinced my mother to leave with him because his hernia was acting up. It still took another two years before I cut all contact.
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May 18, 2021 22:06
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I never found the courage to swear in front of my own family when I got older, it never made them mad or offended, but they'd make a big deal out of it, and tell others later "Picnic Princess said "poo poo!" and actually swore! Can you believe it?!?!?" And everyone would laugh about it and I just really loving hated being the center of that kind of attention. I was 21 when it happened and my mom would bring up the story years later to laugh about. It was so fuckin weird. But as a young kid, if I repeated a bad word I heard an adult say, I got the good ol bar of soap crammed in my mouth. Like my mom stepped on a lego and yelled "what the hell was that???" and I said "Yeah! What the hell WAS that?!?" and got my mouth washed out, I was probably around 7 or 8. So swears started as terror then turned into humiliation.
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May 18, 2021 23:43
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Pope Corky the IX posted:I remember ten years ago or so my ex-wife and I held a barbecue at our apartment for our respective families and friends after they helped us move into the new place. At one point I used the word “loving” as an adjective and my father interrupted me in front of everyone to ask “Since when do you curse in front of your parents?” I replied “I know you usually forget my birthday, but you do know I’m twenty-seven, right?” “I’m your father” he countered and that’s when I responded with “And it’s my house” and with that he convinced my mother to leave with him because his hernia was acting up. Being infantilized by ones parents when you are an adult is a really lovely thing. There is an old racist saying that says "It doesn't matter how old you are, or what you have accomplished in life, if you are a Jewish man, to your parents you will always be a 12 year old boy." I am not Jewish, but that saying resonates with me and my parents SO hard. And the worst thing about it is not the way they treat me like a kid, but the way I become that petulant, frustrated early teenage kid so easily in their presence. If you know what I mean.
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May 19, 2021 09:56
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BrigadierSensible posted:Being infantilized by ones parents when you are an adult is a really lovely thing. This is a really, super common thing with boomer parenting. We were only meant to rise as high as our knees.
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May 19, 2021 10:00
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To our boomer parents, we will never be equals, and will always be subordinate to them, needing their guidance. So if we do or say anything contrary to how they “raised” us, it just becomes a huge thing.
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May 19, 2021 13:33
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life is killing me posted:To our boomer parents, we will never be equals, and will always be subordinate to them, needing their guidance. So if we do or say anything contrary to how they “raised” us, it just becomes a huge thing. That's my inlaws. I haven't seen them without being visibly high in over a year because they have me poo poo about using weed for my lovely shoulder. gently caress you I'm an adult, don't patronize me.
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May 19, 2021 13:59
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Samuel L. Hacksaw posted:That's my inlaws. I haven't seen them without being visibly high in over a year because they have me poo poo about using weed for my lovely shoulder. I was serving in the military and came home on leave one time with tattoos. It didn’t go over well and the rest of the time it was just awkward.
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May 19, 2021 14:04
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My mom once threw a full on screaming fit when I was 27 because my lipstick was "too extreme" (she didn't like the color). It was just loving weird. I was visiting for Christmas and put on some makeup and went into the living room, and here's this grown rear end woman screaming at me like I'm 16. She refused to go out for dinner until I changed my lipstick, but eventually accepted everyone else's reasonable response of "it is weird to shout at a grownup about their choice of lip color, please stop". I also once went shopping with her and she physically pulled me around the store to shout at the sales girl because she didn't like the foundation color I was sampling from her. Same trip. Weird mom. Super inappropriate. Ma'am I have an apartment and a job and a fiance please do not lay hands on me Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 14:10 on May 19, 2021 |
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May 19, 2021 14:08
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The point where my parents turned poo poo around was when they started treating me like an adult with similar lived experiences, and not a child requiring constant supervision. They're still weird around the edges (we don't talk body stuff with my mom, and they still tell me they would rather I never went to Ukraine), but I can drop full fat f-bombs and no one cares anymore.
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May 19, 2021 14:54
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my mom takes that patronizing stuff into her views on me being trans, as well. oh i can't be trans, i was so girly when i was little! i loved princess dresses! i could only think i was trans because my dad was abusive and creepy, it's gotta be a trauma thing. --and then never listening when i try to tell her otherwise, of course. reading about transphobic believers [well there's no other type of believers in this lol but yknow] of "Rapid onset gender dysphoria" always throws me a bit because they all sound like my mom. they think they know better than their own kids about how their (sometimes college-age or older!!!) kids feel and identify, while all the while making it impossible for their kids to trust them or confide in them.
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May 19, 2021 14:54
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Classic Comrade posted:my mom takes that patronizing stuff into her views on me being trans, as well. oh i can't be trans, i was so girly when i was little! i loved princess dresses! i could only think i was trans because my dad was abusive and creepy, it's gotta be a trauma thing. --and then never listening when i try to tell her otherwise, of course. same here. I'm a trans dude and came out to my boyfriend in high school, but my mom still "doesn't believe me". When I visit her (in her conservative home country) I have to shave my actual mustache and throw on a dress like a drag queen and pretend I'm a chick again, or she yells.  I realize this is fully insane but I have also recently stopped talking to her. My dad, however, does call me "son" now, and everyone else in my life isn't insane about it, so that's real nice. 
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May 19, 2021 15:02
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BrigadierSensible posted:Being infantilized by ones parents when you are an adult is a really lovely thing. My mother doesn't speak to me like a child or anything but if I said oval office around her I honestly think she'd stab me, but the respectful way you'd stab another adult.
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May 19, 2021 15:42
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Just lol on the gender stuff. My mom is deeply, deeply offended that her oldest daughter turned out to be a butch lesbian. Up until around 30, every time I came home I would get the "you could be so pretty if you tried." And "Lets get you a nice dress for [EVENT]." Then eventually she tapered off into passive aggressive "I guess you just don't care how you look." If that woman only knew how much $$$ I've blown on bespoke suits. . .well she'd have something else to feel aggrieved and superior over. The answer turned out to be working on my relationship with my 4 siblings. The last time she tried to shame me (over my wallet, of all things), I just narrowed my eyes and called her the heteronormative gender police. She tried again so I said it again. Then one of my brothers repeated it. Then ALL of my brothers started banging on the kitchen table, chanting HETERONORMATIVE GENDER POLICE until she threw her hands up and literally fled the room. It's one of the best memories of my life, and she has never mentioned my gender presentation again.
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May 19, 2021 16:53
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ElHuevoGrande posted:Just lol on the gender stuff. My mom is deeply, deeply offended that her oldest daughter turned out to be a butch lesbian. Up until around 30, every time I came home I would get the "you could be so pretty if you tried." And "Lets get you a nice dress for [EVENT]." Then eventually she tapered off into passive aggressive "I guess you just don't care how you look." If that woman only knew how much $$$ I've blown on bespoke suits. . .well she'd have something else to feel aggrieved and superior over. Lmao that's good stuff
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May 19, 2021 16:58
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ElHuevoGrande posted:Just lol on the gender stuff. My mom is deeply, deeply offended that her oldest daughter turned out to be a butch lesbian. Up until around 30, every time I came home I would get the "you could be so pretty if you tried." And "Lets get you a nice dress for [EVENT]." Then eventually she tapered off into passive aggressive "I guess you just don't care how you look." If that woman only knew how much $$$ I've blown on bespoke suits. . .well she'd have something else to feel aggrieved and superior over. Extremely powerful.
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May 19, 2021 17:14
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ElHuevoGrande posted:Just lol on the gender stuff. My mom is deeply, deeply offended that her oldest daughter turned out to be a butch lesbian. Up until around 30, every time I came home I would get the "you could be so pretty if you tried." And "Lets get you a nice dress for [EVENT]." Then eventually she tapered off into passive aggressive "I guess you just don't care how you look." If that woman only knew how much $$$ I've blown on bespoke suits. . .well she'd have something else to feel aggrieved and superior over. I'm tried to figure out the chant and bang cadence HETeroNORMative GENder police I think that one works the best. Do you remember how it went? Somehow it doesn't seem right to put a table-bang in "police". I want this in my pocket if I find myself in your brothers' situation.
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May 19, 2021 17:39
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ElHuevoGrande posted:Just lol on the gender stuff. My mom is deeply, deeply offended that her oldest daughter turned out to be a butch lesbian. Up until around 30, every time I came home I would get the "you could be so pretty if you tried." And "Lets get you a nice dress for [EVENT]." Then eventually she tapered off into passive aggressive "I guess you just don't care how you look." If that woman only knew how much $$$ I've blown on bespoke suits. . .well she'd have something else to feel aggrieved and superior over. My sister and I have done a similar thing when my dad will go down one of his chud rants, we'll just say something snippy and liberal that may or may not be entirely true, and then high five and giggle.
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May 19, 2021 17:40
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Uncle Enzo posted:I'm tried to figure out the chant and bang cadence I was trying to make it fit to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", but the cadence of "police" defeats me.
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