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Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you?
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Aug 30, 2021 21:34
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Lieutenant Dan posted:How bad do you have to bother the Coast Guard that they'd have to send a lawyer after you? Honestly, not much. When I joined the Navy they sat us down while doing next of kin and emphasized repeatedly that you could choose anyone you wanted. They also went over in close detail what would happen if someone who was not next of kin tried to contact you. Then they emphasized that you could change your next of kin, told you the form necessary, and told you how to get that form both at boot camp and at your eventual duty station afterward. As I recall the JAG had form letters they sent out for people trying to contact you that weren't authorized. Can't speak for other services, but in the Navy they seemed quite familiar with parents like mine.
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Aug 30, 2021 22:58
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Yeah, they did a similar footstomp when I went through Air Force basic training. Makes sense, though. In the US, military service provides a middle class paycheck for a few years, a hopefully useful technical and/or managerial skillset, and the promise of funded college education afterwards, plus a housing stipend. All things you'd want to land on your feet if you're about to sever from the assholes you're related to. While escaping lovely family isn't the most common reason people join up, I'm sure it's far from the most uncommon reason, either. Common enough to have standard procedures for dealing with estranged family members.
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Aug 30, 2021 23:39
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ElHuevoGrande posted:Honestly, not much. When I joined the Navy they sat us down while doing next of kin and emphasized repeatedly that you could choose anyone you wanted. They also went over in close detail what would happen if someone who was not next of kin tried to contact you. Then they emphasized that you could change your next of kin, told you the form necessary, and told you how to get that form both at boot camp and at your eventual duty station afterward. As I recall the JAG had form letters they sent out for people trying to contact you that weren't authorized. Can't speak for other services, but in the Navy they seemed quite familiar with parents like mine. What did the form letter say? I don't know about the coast guard, but other government departments have a polite form letter that goes something like "Thank you for your interest in our department. Due to security concerns we cannot answer your questions. " She must have annoyed the lawyer on a personal level order to get a hostile response. Clearly she's an unreliable narrator, but now I really want to know what she said.
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Aug 30, 2021 23:46
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If she's really coddled/thin-skinned, any form of push back might read as 'hostile' to her.
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Aug 30, 2021 23:47
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Disappearing into the night to live your own life is always a great move. 10/10.
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Aug 31, 2021 03:27
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A thing that hasn't been commented on yet is that after the one sister spied on the other one's computing history and dobbed to her parents, (which to me is a huge deal. Who tells their parents what their teenage sibling has been looking up on the internet?), the parents then tell the OP to keep an eye on her sister. Parents telling one sibling to spy on the other one is a very creepy thing. And what's wrong with actually talking to her? Why can't the parents ask their own daughter, "Hey, we hear you might want to join the army. Let's talk about that." Finally, I don't see what's so bad about the daughter joining the army/coast guard in the first place. She finished high school, so she has her education. She did it by doing extra classes, so she seems hard working and motivated. She's 18, she can do what the gently caress she wants to do with her life. And whilst I personally am an enemy of the military-industrial complex and understand why many would not ever want to join up, joining the army/coast guard is a solid stable job that will allow her to provide for herself. The parents and other sister have no reason to be lovely. I mean, it is slightly rude to do a midnight runner like that. But given what little of the story we are privy to, I am sure she had more than enough reason to.
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Aug 31, 2021 04:33
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ElHuevoGrande posted:Honestly, not much. When I joined the Navy they sat us down while doing next of kin and emphasized repeatedly that you could choose anyone you wanted. They also went over in close detail what would happen if someone who was not next of kin tried to contact you. Then they emphasized that you could change your next of kin, told you the form necessary, and told you how to get that form both at boot camp and at your eventual duty station afterward. As I recall the JAG had form letters they sent out for people trying to contact you that weren't authorized. Can't speak for other services, but in the Navy they seemed quite familiar with parents like mine. 'Broken homes' is a big, big driving factor in recruitment on a personal level. That's how they almost got me  BrigadierSensible posted:A thing that hasn't been commented on yet is that after the one sister spied on the other one's computing history and dobbed to her parents, (which to me is a huge deal. Who tells their parents what their teenage sibling has been looking up on the internet?), the parents then tell the OP to keep an eye on her sister. If the family were rational actors, than she probably wouldn't have felt compelled to graduate early and disappear to boot camp in the middle of the night. The part about the sister nonchalantly saying "Oh I have a friend who does a random side job as a PI" is chilling, and IMO a good indicator of how far the immediate family would go to keep their scapegoat in place. Good for this person on running from an obviously toxic situation, and for being smart enough to recognize how far they needed to go to get out.
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Aug 31, 2021 05:01
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She replied twice, and it's weird. She didn't answer any of the questions for more information about the situation, just 2 that asked what was wrong with the military. Gotta show that you support our troops.quote:YTA sounds like your family is a bit of a cult. What is wrong with being in the military? quote:INFO: Im curious about the letter. Also, whats so bad about joining the military, even if its the CG? Lol The amount that isn't being said is massive.
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Aug 31, 2021 05:03
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Vampire Panties posted:'Broken homes' is a big, big driving factor in recruitment on a personal level. That's how they almost got me really not liking the concept of this gig economy stalker-for-hire, especially not one that gives a friends-and-family discount to abusers but considering how much personal information people tend to passively radiate online these days (even if they don't use social media, think about all the dumb poo poo everyone signs up for that requires your phone number for 2 factor authentication, or how many websites ask for location data etc) it's probably a lot more common than any of us realize
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Aug 31, 2021 05:07
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My younger sister was absolutely like that. I remember her telling our mom about me watching South Park when she was mad at me for not letting her have something of mine that she thought she deserved to have more. If she thought I could get in trouble for something to benefit her, she would absolutely throw me under the bus.
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Aug 31, 2021 07:15
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How do Golden Children function when the scapegoat leaves the house? Does poo poo just melt down?
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Aug 31, 2021 16:40
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A rather common outcome is the golden child ends up an unemployable NEET living off mommy and daddy's dime for for as long as the scapegoat bothers to keep in touch.
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Aug 31, 2021 17:02
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Lieutenant Dan posted:How do Golden Children function when the scapegoat leaves the house? Does poo poo just melt down? Someone's going to have to get in that barrel. Most will gratefully shrug if someone else starts drawing all the fire. There's nothing to be done for them without acknowledging the elephant in the room. Which makes them the new barrel candidate.
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Aug 31, 2021 17:05
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Picnic Princess posted:Disappearing into the night to live your own life is always a great move. 10/10. didn't work out that way for me (at least not for a while) but I dreamed about that a ton as a teenager
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Aug 31, 2021 20:59
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Sigh. My dad sent a drawn-out email alleging conspiracy poo poo and fake news against the covid vaccine and masks. This is the second such email he’s sent—the first was to just me and my wife. After that my mom sent one, completely independent of my dad (they’ve been divorced for a long time). This one my dad sent is to the entire family that is in the city, so one or two aunts and uncles, etc, plus my sister in Seattle. Of course he wants to debate it and have us send him refuting evidence and articles showing him where he’s wrong, but if presented with such I am absolutely certain he will call it bullshit from the media whilst holding his own evidence from YouTube hacks and hyper-conservative news outlets, completely infallible. He can never be wrong, and if proven so, he’ll double down. All this because he found out we took the vaccine after receiving the initial email. This email comes before we’ve been invited to his birthday party and received some curt text messages from my stepmom and my dad after saying we wouldn’t be able to make it that day, and offering other days we could see them also. We were gonna make the effort and show up a different day with masks and socially distance, but as long as my dad is sending emails that border on the offal of a psychotic break, I want to go even less than before which is saying something. I don’t wanna spend a Friday evening at the Vaccine and Mask Inquisition being put under siege until I explain myself when I owe him poo poo. JFC why?
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Sep 1, 2021 00:24
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Just tell him you can't come because you don't want to expose him to vaccine cooties. edit: That came out sounding more flippant than I meant it to, but there's literally no way you can win, right? Damned if you do, damned if you don't, but if you don't at least you don't get interrogated in person. HelloIAmYourHeart fucked around with this message at 00:55 on Sep 1, 2021 |
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Sep 1, 2021 00:53
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HelloIAmYourHeart posted:Just tell him you can't come because you don't want to expose him to vaccine cooties. Pretty much. My wife and I did decide last night that we were probably going to issue a vaccine ultimatum: if you wanna see your grandkids, better get vaccinated. With delta going around and being a bit more dangerous for kids, we aren’t taking my kids around them. So more than likely will not be seeing them, possibly for a long while depending on their response to this It sucks having to have hard conversations with your parents about stuff like this. I shouldn’t have to be the only adult taking part in that conversation, and I feel strongly that my dad will probably choose not getting vaccinated over seeing his grandchildren and blame me for giving him the ultimatum life is killing me fucked around with this message at 13:55 on Sep 2, 2021 |
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Sep 2, 2021 13:53
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All you can do is set your boundaries and stick to them. You are likely correct about the outcome and I'm sorry. It sucks.
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Sep 2, 2021 14:05
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life is killing me posted:Pretty much. My wife and I did decide last night that we were probably going to issue a vaccine ultimatum: if you wanna see your grandkids, better get vaccinated. With delta going around and being a bit more dangerous for kids, we aren’t taking my kids around them. So more than likely will not be seeing them, possibly for a long while depending on their response to this This is the line my pregnant sister and my BIL have taken with our extreme right-wing grandparents. Want to see your pregnant granddaughter or great-grandkids? Get vaccinated. She's pissed off a good half of our extended family, and more power to her.
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Sep 2, 2021 14:08
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life is killing me posted:Pretty much. My wife and I did decide last night that we were probably going to issue a vaccine ultimatum: if you wanna see your grandkids, better get vaccinated. With delta going around and being a bit more dangerous for kids, we aren’t taking my kids around them. So more than likely will not be seeing them, possibly for a long while depending on their response to this This is an absolutely maddening mindset of the anti-vaxxer. They love to bleat on about "it's their right to choose!!!" but refuse to acknowledge that everyone else has just as much right to choose when it comes to spending time with them, employing them, serving them, etc etc
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Sep 2, 2021 14:23
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Sisal Two-Step posted:This is an absolutely maddening mindset of the anti-vaxxer. They love to bleat on about "it's their right to choose!!!" but refuse to acknowledge that everyone else has just as much right to choose when it comes to spending time with them, employing them, serving them, etc etc “Don’t push vaccines and masks on me! That’s violating my freedoms!” posts diatribe on social media about vaccines with misinformation and fake research coming from a “news” website no one has ever heard of That’s my dad in a nutshell. The views are nonsensical and often contradictory with each other, ignoring basic facts and refusing to research post confirmation bias. Ultimately to him, his “freedom” is more important than the health of others
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Sep 2, 2021 14:42
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-snip-
capitalcomma fucked around with this message at 23:37 on Sep 5, 2021 |
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Sep 5, 2021 18:27
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This thread has been helpful to me though I never post in it. It helped me to sever from my mother 3 years ago and stick to it, with the exception of a short interlude earlier this year when she learned of some misfortune that had befallen my brother and I. This year I was able to push back strongly as soon as she started doing what she inevitably does. Now I am no longer troubled by her. I learned better scripts for doing that from this thread. My life has been improved by reading this thread. Thank you.
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Sep 6, 2021 18:28
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My sister's 18 year old son has been in and out of the hospital for a week. Intestinal obstruction, emergency surgery, sent home, then back again with complications and another emergency surgery. Our aunt's concern, while her niece and favorite grand-nephew are having one of the worst weeks of their lives? What about ME and MY feelings?? Of course I've talked to my sister multiple times a day this week because she's my SISTER. When I relay news to our aunt? She's just upset that she's hearing it from me instead of special constant updates just for her. Today my sister sent me this screen shot. Henry is my sister's husband. "And I'll kill anyone who gives her his number." 
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Sep 7, 2021 02:10
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Me again. posted:This thread has been helpful to me though I never post in it. It helped me to sever from my mother 3 years ago and stick to it, with the exception of a short interlude earlier this year when she learned of some misfortune that had befallen my brother and I.  Congrats! It keeps getting better from here.
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Sep 7, 2021 10:13
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You guys are good people bc I would probably stop responding to this person.
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Sep 7, 2021 10:29
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aunt susie can get over herself
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Sep 7, 2021 10:32
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If my nieces/nephews were in the hospital I fully expect that I would find out from my mother or one of my other sisters who live closer because their mom just would not have time to relay all that information personally, particularly not while it's happening. My aunts would find out from my mother if they're lucky, or through their children or facebook. And one of them would probably never find out because she's a candidate for this thread through and through.
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Sep 7, 2021 13:37
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Anyone else have that moment where you're describing how your mom acted when you lived with her and then pause and realize you just described a cycle of abuse in different words? Gonna need a hot minute or two to process that one.
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Sep 7, 2021 14:14
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What kind of support would ya'll have appreciated from friends when you were contemplating limited/no contact? Friend's parents are narcissists and have been incredibly nasty recently. I'll ask my friend directly when she's not so fresh off parental verbal abuse/DARVO spree.
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Sep 7, 2021 15:38
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ThePopeOfFun posted:What kind of support would ya'll have appreciated from friends when you were contemplating limited/no contact? Friend's parents are narcissists and have been incredibly nasty recently. I'll ask my friend directly when she's not so fresh off parental verbal abuse/DARVO spree. Just being a friend and not a flying monkey was supportive enough for me. I spent a long time in some kind of weird real life spy movie while I figured out which of my "friends" were giving my phone number and address to my family. (Spoiler: It was all of them) I'm assuming that you are already managing that, but if you want to do more, then invite them to something normal so they can enjoy a relaxed day doing something normal, like a normal BBQ with normal people who do normal things and don't randomly snap and start screaming hysterically that they wish you had never been born. That sounds kind of unimpressive, but when my family life was a tornado of shrieking insanity, a normal afternoon was a royal loving treat.
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Sep 7, 2021 16:00
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For yourself; If you find yourself puzzling over why someone would act like that I would suggest reading something rather than thinking about it.. I spent alot of energy trying to understand why my wife's dad would be so horrible but it was a total waste. There's a Lundy Bancroft book I found helpful but don't know if it'd fit your friends situation. If you have a problem solver mindset these people will just be a horrible puzzle you'll never work out.
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Sep 7, 2021 16:22
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ThePopeOfFun posted:What kind of support would ya'll have appreciated from friends when you were contemplating limited/no contact? Friend's parents are narcissists and have been incredibly nasty recently. I'll ask my friend directly when she's not so fresh off parental verbal abuse/DARVO spree. Include them but just keep an eye on them. Obviously if something seems wrong, just being there will help so much. If they need to have a kvetch hear them and affirm that they aren’t insane. Also on the off chance any of their family members try to contact them, keep it to “they exist on planet earth”, nothing further and Be Ready. Let your friend know ASAP when it happens.
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Sep 7, 2021 16:38
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this thread was recommended to me in one of the discords after posting about my chud parents - Is this the kind of place where you can post about your own situation for advice? I know other threads have rules against that...
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Sep 7, 2021 19:49
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Oh yeah you’re in the right place! Indeed there are threads in D&D about chud parents going off the deep end but it’s cool to post here as well!
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Sep 7, 2021 19:58
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Ghostnuke posted:this thread was recommended to me in one of the discords after posting about my chud parents - Plenty of people have, it seems to be ok. There's also the E/N subforum, which exists just to
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Sep 7, 2021 20:03
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Neito posted:Anyone else have that moment where you're describing how your mom acted when you lived with her and then pause and realize you just described a cycle of abuse in different words? Hahaha yep. It's a nasty shock and I found myself scrambling to deny/justify it to myself.
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Sep 7, 2021 20:15
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Dongsturm posted:Plenty of people have, it seems to be ok. Currently e/n's more about helping than mocking, for the record.
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Sep 7, 2021 20:22
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I don't even know how to put this all into words that make sense, hopefully it's not too bad to read... I've been thinking about cutting out my parents for a few years now, my wife usually talks me down but I think I'm done this time. They're both far-right conservative religion types and I'm about as far from that as possible. We've been butting heads for a while but just recently I made a FB post, and my dad made a reply about what a stupid brainwashed idiot I am. I think that's the last straw for me. I wouldn't say I've been close to either of them since I was very small (never was close to dad, he's a step-dad and just never really clicked). They both have a history of hitting me as I grew up and I can vividly remember my mom telling me she hated me once when I was probably 7 or 8. Beyond that, it was just indifference really. I can't think of a time when either of them were interested in anything I was doing, or gave encouragement etc. As long as I got good grades I pretty much flew under the radar. If I didn't though, out came the belt or my dad's fraternity paddle or whatever was close at hand. Mom's famous move was twisting her wedding ring upside down so the diamond was on the palm side of her hand and then giving me a good whack in the head. Nowadays she just comes over and tells me my house looks like poo poo and berates me for not letting her see the grandkids during the pandemic. I went to borrow her car not too long ago and she cursed me up and down over the kids and then tried to gaslight me into thinking it never happened later on, my brother was there and he just kinda slunk down in his seat and didn't say a word. She tends to throw money around to try to make things better and it's been useful/needed quite a few times, I'll admit. I think dad would've ignored me completely decades ago if it weren't for mom, since I'm not really his. They are both 100% more involved and caring with my two younger brothers that they had together. If I didn't have kids of my own, I doubt I would hear from them much. I did let them keep my oldest daughter once for a few days over the summer, and I found out later that dad had hit her. I came very close to driving down there and beating him to death, since violence is all he understands, but realized that wouldn't help anyone. I've tried to just ignore them and basically just have a polite/businesslike relationship with them when I'm forced to, but they've really turned up their spouting of racist chud stuff the last few years and I just can't do it anymore. I grew up overhearing all kinds of nasty poo poo about "those (insert any number of racial slurs)" up the street, or in the government or where ever and I am 100% not going to have that around my kids. I know none of that is even close to what some people have been through, and I honestly feel guilty about even posting because of that. I could give other stories, but you get the idea...
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Sep 7, 2021 20:33
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