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HopperUK posted:I hate being messed with so I never set out to do it to anyone. god damnit if you didn't have that blue star I'd gently caress with you so much
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Jun 12, 2023 04:25
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I'm leaving that snipe as a monument to my respect for authority figures who actually earned their authority position 
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Jun 12, 2023 04:26
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I think a lot of the gobliny stuff was born out of a masking I'd cloak under the guise of irony or "sarcasm". Devil's advocate stuff for things I found very engaging. Not really anything I feel a need for now. I will try to do an extremely facetious self-depreciating joke every now and then when I forget but always ends up a "huh?" And I'm reminded that oh yes that's why I don't do that anymore after I embarrassedly explain it's a joke.
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Jun 12, 2023 04:49
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FirstnameLastname posted:me too Yeah, or recalling that work safety video about how you'll fall down stairs and break your spine every time you walk down the staircase. Thanks to everybody who posted they have the same issue, it's always nice to hear I'm not alone.
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Jun 12, 2023 05:55
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nesamdoom posted:Some people though I feel zero problem with eye contact though. I haven't figured out what makes like 1% of people not trigger my avoidance habits. With eye contact, we know it can signify you're listening and engaged yes, but then as a teenager I read that intense eye contact can be seen as threatening, and prolonged eye contact can indicate sexual interest. There's a very fine line between not enough and too much, and I believe that allistic people can just ride that line subconsciously. They don't even realise they're doing it. But we do. In the same way you can gently caress someone up for a bit by reminding them that they have to breathe manually, and then they have to think about it for a while until it eventually slips back into being an unconscious process,* autistic people have to think about things like that every time. There's some parallels with executive functioning issues, like how it's been claimed that neurodiverse people get so exhausted because the tasks that become 'automatic' for others have to be thought about every single time with us. But my main point is about the lines. The things where there's such a slight difference between too much and not enough, and there's no guidance about which is which apart from 'vibes.' Things like that, I tend not to be great at, and I'm pretty sure it's down to the autism. * i am so sorry Kalsco posted:I do enjoy being a goblin but I've found very consistently nobody ever can tell when I'm joking or not unless they have already spent an intensive amount of personal time with me, and even then it's sorta hit or miss.
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Jun 12, 2023 13:23
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Bobby Deluxe posted:
I read that halfway through pulling a cone so thanks for that mate lol. On a slightly more relevant note, I think you're right about lines, the situations which seem to cause me the most difficulty always have that sort of invisible point where I'm either too much or too little, usually the latter. Slightly too flat or reckless, slightly too uninterested or interested, not quite where I'm supposed to be in relation to everyone else is probably the best way to put it
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Jun 12, 2023 13:41
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bagmonkey posted:god damnit if you didn't have that blue star I'd gently caress with you so much Hey post in Games no reason  e: Only joking of course I love you bagmonkey but for the record I don't have mod powers outside games so the blue star is impotent and cannot hurt you HopperUK fucked around with this message at 19:41 on Jun 12, 2023 |
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Jun 12, 2023 14:56
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Something I've been realizing lately in the "how the gently caress did it take so loving long for me to get diagnosed?" column is that facial expressions are very manual for me to some extent. I've been paying attention to my facial expressions when I talk and while some of it is natural (like smiling/laughing at something I find genuinely amusing or interesting), there's still kind of a "I have to go out of my way to make sure I'm doing this to an appropriate extent". Like forcing my face into a relaxed, polite smile rather than my default  when listening to something neutral/positive, or forcing it into a frown, but not too much of one, when someone is talking about something serious or bad.I have memories of contorting my face in the mirror and paying attention to what muscles controlled what as a child, and trying to mimic the cartoons I watched to learn what facial expressions were supposed to look like. I guess part of me just thought all of this was normal for a really long time. It's weird the sort of stuff you assume is normal in the absence of being told otherwise. Masks have been kind of nice because I haven't had to do that as much and can let my tone do the talking - flat affect has never been an issue for me, though I also vaguely remember talking aloud to no one, practicing my tone and mimicking the way other people do it. It's hard not to mimic people's expressions and tones even now, though I've heard some mirroring is normal neurotypical stuff. Come to think of it, I wonder if this is why I also enjoy streaming. I don't have to worry about my facial expressions at all, or mimicking someone else. Tiny Myers fucked around with this message at 17:36 on Jun 13, 2023 |
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Jun 13, 2023 17:33
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Tiny Myers posted:... you too? It's how I taught myself the People's Eyebrow. It's not an everyday facial expression, but it's still handy  I also remember learning a lot about (what I now understand to be) affect and modulating my delivery from the media I steeped myself in psychically as a kid. but I could never keep it up indefinitely, so from folks who knew me I got a lot of well-intended comparisons to Christina Ricci's Wednesday Addams
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Jun 13, 2023 18:06
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SatansOnion posted:you too? It's how I taught myself the People's Eyebrow. It's not an everyday facial expression, but it's still handy Yeah! I have a lot of early memories of being cringe from imitating anime characters when I was 9 or whatever but I try to remind myself kids are weird and do things like that all the time. 
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Jun 15, 2023 01:26
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Tiny Myers posted:I have a lot of early memories of being cringe from imitating anime characters when I was 29 or whatever but I try to remind myself kids are weird and do things like that all the time. HAAAAAAAA 
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Jun 15, 2023 01:35
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Car Hater posted:HAAAAAAAA You're never too old to be Goku. Goku would want you to imitate Goku and he would be proud of you
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Jun 15, 2023 01:54
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Which Goku are you thinking about when you vote Goku on a poll?
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Jun 15, 2023 02:18
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Papa Was A Video Toaster posted:Which Goku are you thinking about when you vote Goku on a poll? Adult, non-Super Saiyan, Goku from DBZ. Just a good old fashioned Goku
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Jun 15, 2023 03:15
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Same but Bruce Lee
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Jun 15, 2023 08:44
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How do the people in this thread feel about having children?
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Jun 18, 2023 21:33
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Dance Officer posted:How do the people in this thread feel about having children? I would have liked to but it was never the right time, and now it is probably too late. I have children in my life though, nieces and nephews, so that's all right by me really.
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Jun 18, 2023 21:36
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I don’t have children, but I could and am a good age for it. I love and care for kids, but I doubt we‘ll have or adopt kids unless we feel stable financially and mentally—that is, we can afford whatever they need and we’re prepared to take on the responsibility. In a theoretical world where we had a child, I’d worry that I couldn’t contribute what I’d need to when I need to, especially during my low energy phases. I get overwhelmed by high energy folks in general. I’d want to bring my best to parenting but I struggle to imagine a scenario where I’m happy with how I’m doing. I barely have the energy to care for myself and our pets some days. I’m curious if anyone with kids here experienced similar feelings and how it’s going now! I wonder if I’m overthinking it. The thing I hear is usually that you’ll never feel prepared enough but it’s always a beautiful thing… but uh, I have mental health things going on.
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Jun 18, 2023 21:51
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Dance Officer posted:How do the people in this thread feel about having children? nope
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Jun 18, 2023 22:14
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I wanted kids but I could not deal with the body horror of pregnancy, I eventually figured out I'm non binary so that might be why pregnancy is so repugnant to me. I'm too old now and I think I burned myself out trying to fit where I don't fit, career wise, so I'm barely able to look after myself let alone a child, even if I could handle the stress of trying to adopt. I have my sister's kids that I spend time with when I can, and advocate for, since we think the oldest is ND too. I see kids as just people who need the same respect and empathy that I want for myself.
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Jun 18, 2023 23:28
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Dance Officer posted:How do the people in this thread feel about having children? that's one's a fait accompli for me, actually
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Jun 19, 2023 00:39
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I've spent enough time with friends' young kids to know that I absolutely would not cope with the disruptions to sleep, living schedule, general lack of chaos in my life. I didn't want kids anyway though so that's just given me something I can explain to people who ask that they more or less understand instead of just don't wanna.
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Jun 19, 2023 00:53
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I have two. My eldest started school this year and it's been tough. Lots of behaviors that mirror my own growing up, though he's a little more volatile, I think. I dont remember having meltdowns in school (until I was a teenager at least). Smart as heck and it took a while for me to just be able to accept that when people mentioned it instead of saying "ehhhhh, really?" I had to catch myself and modulate a lot of responses with him in mind, since I want to be supportive. I have had to pick him up early and say sorry to so many people this year, so many times. It's very despiriting sometimes, but we're fortunate to have the Instructional Specialist advocating for him. After a rough first semester he received an IEP to provide some services and supports. I've observed him in class and it's very interesting. Can't (or won't) sit still, will do stuff like run using all 4 of his limbs, just kind of explore the class, but is paying attention to storying and instruction the whole time. Which is like, yeah, I would doodle or read ahead or daydream a little in class when it was slow but still keep up. He's very popular with the school staff-- despite the usually negative reasons for him interacting with them. Hoping next year is a little easier. Looking for play-based therapy during the summer to help a bit. Youngest is pre-K aged and he's a lot more chill, if a little aloof and stubborn. Really gentle and kind and funny as all gently caress. Kid's super into Halloween and slasher icons even though he hasnt seen their films and poo poo. Dude's also like a Lego Master. He's made some cool poo poo just because and loves telling stories. Also an adventurous eater. And sneaky. I mean, shitload of guilt for bringing them into a hosed up world, dooming them to contemplate their mortality, and cursing them with genetic sadbrains... but at least mom and I are aware enough to know that they're not just "weird" and get services and diagnoses as needed. Really just amazing watching them make sense of the world or have random questions or crack jokes or really fall in love with films. They loved Predator and Aliens. A big reason why I jumped into therapy and medication is to be better for them, and for my own sanity. Dealing with them as babies wasn't that bad (oh god I hated the poop and the crying). Disturbance to sleep schedule really hurt with the second and made me definitely sure I didnt want to go through it again. It's sometimes not easy dealing with the noise and the chaos and the constant flow of things going wrong, so being present can be hard some days.
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Jun 19, 2023 05:20
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I love kids and click really well with them - in short bursts of a few hours that I can recover from afterward, not a sustained, round-the-clock commitment. Also, echoing what everyone else said about how I don't think I would trust myself to meet their needs. I grew up a very sensitive child (hello, combination ADHD and autism) and it absolutely destroyed me every time I got yelled at. If I did that to a kid of my own, I don't think I could forgive myself, and what parent hasn't snapped and yelled at their kid? The sleep disturbances and unpredictability would definitely cause issues for me too. Aaaaand sensory issues. To cap it all off, I'm aromantic and thus do not have a partner to raise a child with. Which is increasingly less feasible in our capitalist hellscape, but even neurotypicals struggle with single parenthood. Maybe that last one seems unrelated but also like... it's not like all autistic people are aromantic - obviously, far from it - but for me, it doesn't feel not related to my neurotype. I've wondered if it's a symptom sometimes. It dovetails pretty well with the autism either way, I guess, as another way in which I am alienated from the typical human experience. (Not asexual though. Funny how that works out.)
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Jun 19, 2023 06:45
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I'd love to have children, but it's not working. We're looking to adopt right now, or long-term foster care. I've decided to hide my diagnosis from the social workers though, because I fear they'll misunderstand. I've talked to my (neurotypical) husband about what possible issues we see. He thinks it'll work out and I'm carefully optimistic. While my father isn't diagnosed and not even entertaining the thought, we certainly share a lot of personality traits, to the point where being "just like Daddy" was a huge part of my personality during my childhood and reconciled me with a lot of issues I had growing up. So while he suddenly doesn't want me to be like him any more since my diagnosis, I think it's a safe assumption to make that my parenting style will be similar to his. Obviously my mother was the more typical parent, but my (neurotypical) sister and I never felt like our father loved us any less, or didn't take as good care of us or anything. It's actually kind of funny, sometimes my father will do or say something that makes complete sense to us, but confuses the hell out of our partners. I've been asked by the social workers if my father ever hugged me or told me he loves me. I technically speaking wasn't lying when I answered in the affirmative, he did that when prompted by the therapist I was seeing for my anxiety. I told him it felt weird and unnecessary, because I already knew, he didn't need to say it. He just expresses it differently, and both me and my sister know that when he's worrying about our cars breaking down, or us being out late at night, or randomly decides that we're going to visit soon, or signs himself up for job portals when we're looking for a job, or gives us weather warnings, or takes our partners aside to give them financial advice, that's all his way of hugging us and telling us he loves us, and we're completely fine with that. It drives our partners crazy, but they both accept this explanation. As for my, if I'm ever lucky enough to have children, I'll make sure to do the classic parenting stuff as well. I already know it's important for my husband to hear me tell him that I love him, which is why I do it. Same for children. Anything like that I can do for them, they'll have it. And they'll have my husband for when I don't immediately see it. And I think, looking at myself and my sister, that they'll understand it when I forget to smile or when I start solving their problems instead of giving them a hug.
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Jun 19, 2023 08:04
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echoing the "I don't think I am able to meet a child's needs" w/r/t parenting. me and my partner have made the conscious decision to not have kids.
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Jun 19, 2023 09:13
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It's sad how many people here say they don't think they'll be able to meet their children's needs. I don't think that's true at all. My own experience with a probably-on-the-spectrum parent has been positive and I actually think it helped teach my sister and I to understand from a young age that not everyone expresses themselves in the same way, and all ways are valid. Not to mention that having a parent who needed regularity was a very good thing for me. The books I've read on autistic parents also support that. That's something that gives me hope for myself, because if we do manage to adopt, there's a decent chance the child will have some sort of disability. Fetal alcohol syndrome is so common in adopted children, they have their own support group. One of the orientation trainings we had stressed that children like that need stability, regularity, quiet, room to destress, could have strong emotional reactions, anger issues, ... Sound familiar? So at least in that scenario, I might actually be at an advantage. Please note, if you don't want children that is fully okay and I'm not trying to convince you or anybody otherwise, this is your choice and yours alone. I just noticed that a lot of people said they didn't think they could do it because they were too autistic for it, and I don't think that's the case. There's different challenges for sure, like in every situation, but it's still possible.
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Jun 19, 2023 10:07
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i want to be a dad more than anything in the world but i also know i am too messed up to raise and support them right so barring accidents i doubt i ever will
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Jun 19, 2023 11:04
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Took my kids to a farm that does equine therapy yesterday to explore and see if they would be receptive to the idea. Despite being non verbal they both had no trouble making it clear that horses were not going to be in the cards for them. It's a shame because after seeing how they interacted with other animals like my nieces cat it seemed like this could have been a success.
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Jun 19, 2023 11:19
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I was abused as a child by my parents and I think it's likely I'll be a repeat of them, as much as they were a repeat of their own parents. And all my aunts and uncles were a repeat of their parents. There's also the issue that I probably am not capable of round-the-clock commitment. But I think there might be ways to deal with both these issues.
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Jun 19, 2023 11:23
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I am father of two, a 2 year old daughter and a son of 6. Oftenly it's hard. Especially all these social things that comes with being a father like interaction with other parents, teachers, birthdays, certain festivities etc but the way i feel connected with my children is something I never thought was possible for me and being with them sometimes make me feel like a normal person. Still it's oftenly just hard work and I certainly wouldn't be able to do it on my own, without their mother. It looks like they're not on the spectrum and neither is my wife.
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Jun 19, 2023 11:40
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Dance Officer posted:I was abused as a child by my parents and I think it's likely I'll be a repeat of them, as much as they were a repeat of their own parents. And all my aunts and uncles were a repeat of their parents. My father was a bipolar (and maybe autistic) alcoholic who commited suicide eventually and my mother is probably autistic and maybe has ADHD with a lot of other stuff mixed in I can't even put my finger on. To me my youth was always an inspiration to be a much better parent than they could ever have been and eventhough early to say, i am doing pretty fine.
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Jun 19, 2023 11:46
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Really wanted to be a parent, and my wife and I tried for three years. Then it turned out I have crashingly low fertility, then my wife came out as non-binary and it’s all gone a bit fubar. So probably for the best it didn’t happen, but it is a bit crushing.
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Jun 19, 2023 11:46
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I have three kids, I probably wouldn't have any if the first one didn't come from me loving up and getting someone pregnant when I was 15. That said, I wouldn't change it. MY own misgivings about my parenting aside (did you know they bite? and try to dismantle the patriarchy/gender binary? loving mayhem and stress), most of the people in this thread who don't feel like they could do it seem like they have the sort of self awareness that tends to produce successful(??? doesn't feel like the right term, but it's what I have for now(capable maybe?)) parents. It's a bit of an incomplete thought though, so make of it what you will.
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Jun 19, 2023 12:20
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I'm against the biting but in favor of dismantling the patriarchy/ gender binary. Is there a way to get kids to only do the latter?
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Jun 19, 2023 13:00
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ADHDer with an ASD 5yo here. The toughest parts have been his speech delay and his sleep problems. The first obviously makes it harder to negotiate stressful situations because we have to rely much more on body language, context clues, and intuition to help navigate. And it makes us nervous in terms of it being harder for him to advocate for himself when we’re not there. Bad sleep just magnifies the stress all the other problems. Thankfully he goes to sleep pretty well, but multiple times a week will be awake and need supervision for a couple hours from like 2-4 in the morning. I’m a stay-at-home dad, so I’m the one up with him most of the time since mom’s schedule is less flexible due to work. There are definitely days, especially when he doesn’t have school or therapy, where I’m both over- and under-stimulated from watching him all day and left with nothing in the tank by the time mom is done working. He’s super sweet, very curious, and has a heart-warming laugh. He has hyperlexia and hypercalcula. He’s learned all the Japanese katakana and hiragana from YouTube videos and can essentially count as high as he has time and attention for. When doing a shapes unit at preschool, he named all the shapes in the exercise 100% and then started naming ones his teacher didn’t know like a heptagon. He’s also never intentionally hurt other kids, although he’s sometimes obvious and plows past others to go down a slide. When I take him to an indoor playground he loves, I see other kids his age yelling or hitting each other and am reminded that oh yeah NT kids can be rude as hell.
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Jun 19, 2023 13:08
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Cloacamazing! posted:I'm against the biting but in favor of dismantling the patriarchy/ gender binary. Is there a way to get kids to only do the latter? sorry no, best option is to aim them at other kids and try not to worry. Don't forget to remind them that other kids bite back though, or they'll be in for a shock. Actually that's been a significant portion of my parenting strategy in relation to socialisation now that I think about it. Seems to work well so far, mind you my kids are about as neurotypical as a box of ferrets on speed, and tend to respond really well to just having things explained to them in general terms and being left to figure it out. If you try to make them think/react like most people it's a bit like wishing on a monkeys paw, you get exactly what you asked for?...
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Jun 19, 2023 13:39
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My genes are garbage. Not only the autism which is a struggle, but all up my family tree is nonstop alcoholism, cancer, neurological disorders, dimentia. It all culminates into me, and I got snipped as soon as I could. No way I want to pass on this mess of mutant chemistry.
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Jun 19, 2023 14:18
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credburn posted:My genes are garbage. Not only the autism which is a struggle, but all up my family tree is nonstop alcoholism, cancer, neurological disorders, dimentia. It all culminates into me, and I got snipped as soon as I could. No way I want to pass on this mess of mutant chemistry. Fair enough too, that sounds like a hard run mate, and I'm sorry it's yours. I think a lot more people have more of those sort of issues in their genes than they'd care to admit, and probably do a far worse job of parenting than they'd be inclined to admit most of the time. I had to figure out how to do it way too early, with all the fuckups that entails (seriously ALL the fuckups), and the kids are doing OK so far (mostly?health issues aside anyway). A large part of parenting is the ability to recognise when you're being a bit of a fuckwit, and most autistic people tend to over sensitive in that regard I think ( Hello to all the people who somehow existed wrong and were very upsetting to their peers, you're not alone trust me). I hope I didn't imply that people's reasons for not wanting kids weren't valid, I didn't intend to and I apologise for that.
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Jun 19, 2023 14:58
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I do have a memory of asking my parent about growing up, life, working 9 - 5 in an office, finding a partner/having kids, etc. She said that is what people generally do and hopefully, it would happen for me too. I remember having this deep gut feeling and thinking "That's not a life I am going to have". This was not a stubborn 8-year-old thought. It was almost like a voice in my head told me not to get attached to that idea of a happy family and stable adulthood. I never had the desire to have kids. I always been bad at communicating with kids. I generally find them annoying as a hack. I was bullied badly enough that I ended up in the hospital once. I figured if I do change my mind, I would adopt, as I wasn't raised by my birth parents. I don't get goooy when I see babys. I've gone 20 years telling people I do not want kids, I am happily single, etc. Though if I am honest, I am at the age where so many of my peers are getting married (if they're not already) and having kids, and a little bit of pain stirs inside of me. I get confused because I really don't desire kids. I am happy pretending to be a parent to a special needs cat. I guess... I am just mourning the fact that I will never be normal. I grew up in an era where I was told that I would grow out of all this. So I guess I still hold some of that thinking.
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Jun 19, 2023 15:22
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