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I adopted an ND kid from foster care (they were 12.5 when they came to live with me, adopted as a 14-year-old). They have ADHD and I suspect ARND on the fetal alcohol spectrum. It gave me a chance to deep dive in a few other subjects; I have book recommendations aplenty for trauma.
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Jun 19, 2023 15:25
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I didn't think I wanted kids until my sister had some and I helped raise them now I'm 38 and feel like I'm running out of time, it seems like most people of my age and politics (far far left) don't want to have kids or are already done having kids 
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Jun 19, 2023 21:49
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TIP posted:I didn't think I wanted kids until my sister had some and I helped raise them Big same, neighbors and friends kids really got me wanting one and I’m 39 now, soooo… idk, my cousins had kids around this age and seem to be doing fine so we will see Trying to take more opportunities to hang with kids tho, I loving love them and I honestly get along with them way better than adults a lot of the time. I also see it as an opportunity to treat them the way adults never treated me, more as an equal than some stupid incompetent being that annoyed them
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Jun 20, 2023 01:50
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Like some others who've posted, I do great with children in general, and I think my husband and I would be great parents. We're Advanced Gay, and unlikely to ever be able or willing to pay for surrogacy, so it'll be adoption for us and the weird genes won't be an issue. We've agreed we're not planning on it for at least another few years, though. I am mindful of the incredible strain that a new kid represents, but my husband does a very good job of buffering my struggles and vice versa.
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Jun 20, 2023 02:12
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whydirt posted:ADHDer with an ASD 5yo here. The toughest parts have been his speech delay and his sleep problems. life-changingly magically good, I've always had trouble falling asleep unless I'm exhausted , i couldn't ever fall asleep during naptime in kindergarten or any time since i was 3-ish, I'd just lay there rolling back and forth every 5-15min or so and still take have to lay in bed a few hours before I'll fall asleep not w/ a weighted blankey tho; the first night my diaphragm and chest/back muscles all started relaxing one after another the same way they do right before you pass out under general anesthesia no hyperbole it gave a tingly butterfly feeling from how quickly things that never seem to relax started to relax ones like this witha glass bead layer for weight so it's not hot this ones heavier than your kid prolly & they wouldn't be able to move it around themselves - but a smaller one at the same avg density is worth it, it's not an uncomfortable amount of pressure for a kid, kitties hang out under it fine & even denser might work better https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B07RZQ9HXC/
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Jun 20, 2023 02:44
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It’s honestly a relief to read everyone’s thoughts here on having/raising kids. Even if my concerns and fears end up unfounded in some sort of future situation, I know I’m not the only person who’s reflected on it. I still feel like an autism poser half the time without a formal diagnosis, but I relate extremely hard to the posts in this thread.
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Jun 20, 2023 09:46
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Late but no kids for me for a shitload of reasons. My cerebral palsy isn't genetic but it sure doesn't help. Plus pregnancy is horrifying imo.
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Jun 20, 2023 21:32
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I missed the opportunity to have kids because I married someone who beat the poo poo out of me every day and barely escaped. Now in my mid-forties, I regret every minute of those years, and grieve for the family I will never have. It's just as well, though, because the constant daily abuse left me with severe cPTSD and chronic debilitating pain, so it's not like I could care for kids anyway. YAY! Isn't life wonderful?
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Jun 22, 2023 02:06
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Kesper North posted:I missed the opportunity to have kids because I married someone who beat the poo poo out of me every day and barely escaped. Now in my mid-forties, I regret every minute of those years, and grieve for the family I will never have. It's just as well, though, because the constant daily abuse left me with severe cPTSD and chronic debilitating pain, so it's not like I could care for kids anyway. YAY! Isn't life wonderful? I'm so sorry. 
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Jun 22, 2023 05:25
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Tiny Myers posted:Maybe that last one seems unrelated but also like... it's not like all autistic people are aromantic - obviously, far from it - but for me, it doesn't feel not related to my neurotype. I've wondered if it's a symptom sometimes. It dovetails pretty well with the autism either way, I guess, as another way in which I am alienated from the typical human experience. I'm not asexual or aromantic, but the number of people I've been attracted to can be counted on one hand, and I definitely feel like my habit of overthinking stuff is related to this. My first reaction to someone showing interest in me wasn't to feel flattered or go with it to see what would happen, but to closely examine the potential future relationship and make a decision based on that. I suspect that I did the same thing whenever I saw someone I was attracted to, but am not sure. I'm pretty sure it was a good idea to shoot certain people down, but clearly this wasn't how most other people would have handled it. I've also flat out not experienced any kind of attraction to anybody outside my marriage, which I'm told is unusual. I try not to mention it, because the same people who claim that "Everybody has those thoughts" would most likely also think I was lying or trying to make myself look better than them, so I don't know if this is actually true or if there are lots of people who don't get that. In either case, I don't feel like this makes me a better person or anything, because there's no virtue in not doing something that I don't care about, but you know how it is.
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Jun 22, 2023 06:08
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Tiny Myers posted:To cap it all off, I'm aromantic and thus do not have a partner to raise a child with. Which is increasingly less feasible in our capitalist hellscape, but even neurotypicals struggle with single parenthood. I thought I was aromantic and it took a lot of patience on the part of my now SO but I'm not. The feeling is just very subtle, and it took me a long time to realize it. It took me feeling jealous of her going on a date with someone else to figure out that there might be something more. Not gonna say you aren't aromantic mind you, but if you aren't in the boat where romance stuff seems weird/uncomfortable to you, you might be in the same boat as me.
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Jun 22, 2023 15:09
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I've been reading about demisexuality, and that seems baffling to me that it's not the norm? People are really out there having sex with people they have no emotional attachment to?
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Jun 22, 2023 15:21
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A few people do that but they're highly visible so a lot of people assume that it's a lot more common than it really is.
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Jun 22, 2023 15:56
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I’d also say that emotional attachment is a wide spectrum.
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Jun 22, 2023 16:12
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I was talking with a friend last night that I don't get to see very often. I told her that since we last talked I've learned that I'm autistic, and her response was essentially "I forgot you hadn't actually come out to me because it's been obvious the entire time I've known you". I was surprised at how really glad I was to to hear that because it's honestly one of the most validating things anyone has said since I started coming out to friends about it.
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Jun 22, 2023 16:21
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bagmonkey posted:I also see it as an opportunity to treat them the way adults never treated me, more as an equal than some stupid incompetent being that annoyed them This was my whole approach to being a dad. Seems to work pretty well treating them like people and not chores. I'm nigh 38 and got a 3 year old that is the most fun person I know. And he's so close to the ground that it's easier for him to hand me stuff than for me to bend down to pick it up.
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Jun 22, 2023 20:12
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I thought about whether or not I am demisexual and observed that I definitely do experience attraction to people I not only do not know, but may even dislike. (Looking at you Chris Pratt, you homophobic-church-going, disabled-child-abandoning jackass!) So yeah, I'm an allosexual. I similarly concluded that I am definitely cisgender, which is why am personally offended whenever anybody suggests autistic young people are being tricked into thinking they're trans. If Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria is real, how come I didn't get it from all the trans and nonbinary people I talk to on the computer? I felt alienated from conventional womanhood for years, so how come I still think I'm a woman? It's almost like autistic people don't need neurotypicals to tell them what gender they are!
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Jun 22, 2023 21:51
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I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences vis a vis their romantic experiences! No worries, I don't take anything as suggesting I'm not aromantic. It's certainly something I've had questions about myself. I don't want to get into too many details, not out of discomfort but rather not wanting to come across as oversharing about TMI things, but my sex drive is definitely intact. I've had little flares of romantic attraction in my life, but they're nowhere near as vivid or unmistakable as sexual attraction is, and they never really go anywhere - they have always felt forced, more than anything, like something I was "supposed" to do. In fact, having them reciprocated seems like a great way to kill them dead in the ground.  When people talk about how they experience romantic attraction, love, pining, etc, it's always just felt like... I don't know, reading about someone living in another country or working in a field I don't. Interesting experience, can't relate though. Pththya-lyi posted:I similarly concluded that I am definitely cisgender, which is why am personally offended whenever anybody suggests autistic young people are being tricked into thinking they're trans. If Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria is real, how come I didn't get it from all the trans and nonbinary people I talk to on the computer? I felt alienated from conventional womanhood for years, so how come I still think I'm a woman? It's almost like autistic people don't need neurotypicals to tell them what gender they are!
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Jun 22, 2023 23:54
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Bobby Deluxe posted:I've been reading about demisexuality, and that seems baffling to me that it's not the norm? People are really out there having sex with people they have no emotional attachment to? Why not? Sex is fun!
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Jun 23, 2023 04:41
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Tiny Myers posted:When people talk about how they experience romantic attraction, love, pining, etc, it's always just felt like... I don't know, reading about someone living in another country or working in a field I don't. Interesting experience, can't relate though. I don't experience it in the way people usually seem to do. No butterflies in the stomach, etc. If I'd start describing what I do feel I'd start gushing though.
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Jun 23, 2023 04:57
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I wouldn't describe what I feel for my husband as butterflies in the stomach or anything romantic. I do love him, but it's more of a feeling of safety? Which I'm told is literally the worst thing to say about your romantic partner, but it's true. I feel safe and relaxed when he's around, more than with anybody else. He's fine with that.
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Jun 23, 2023 05:55
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There is a loss for people that don't see comfort as optimal. What could be better than comfortably being around someone? Infatuation is great like a carnival ride. it's fun, but it's sickening to stay on. I'd rather wake up and kiss my wife every morning than deal with the massive poo poo Show that is dating for the benefit of having a few more 'fun' nights a month.
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Jun 23, 2023 08:00
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Actually that's a really good point that I haven't thought about in that way before. I don't know if this is an autistic thing or not but the way you're saying it seems like maybe? I've just never understood why people get into relationships with people they aren't totally compatible with, like where they just seem uncomfortable with each other but for some reason are in a relationship. I guess it never occurred to me that people might prioritise factors other than how comfortable they are with someone. Like obviously attraction should be there, but I would never dream of dating someone who I didn't fundamentally feel comfortable around. Being absolutely at ease in the presence of another person, like I can show them absolutely any side of me and be accepted and loved, is the absolute single most important part of being in a relationship to me.
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Jun 23, 2023 10:56
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Cloacamazing! posted:I wouldn't describe what I feel for my husband as butterflies in the stomach or anything romantic. I do love him, but it's more of a feeling of safety? Which I'm told is literally the worst thing to say about your romantic partner, but it's true. I feel safe and relaxed when he's around, more than with anybody else. He's fine with that. That’s where my partner and I are, we’ve been married for almost 16 years so apparently it’s working out okay. Neither of us can imagine being with anyone else at this point.
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Jun 23, 2023 14:27
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Dance Officer posted:How do the people in this thread feel about having children? I have one. I’ll probably have at least one more. The chaos and noise and unpredictability is hard to deal with but at least my wife makes enough that I don’t have to go to work and can watch her full time. The noise and messes can be hard to deal with and communication with my wife about when I need breaks is essential. My daughter is super social and, at least so far, has no sign of being ND besides being verbally delayed. She’s just two so it might be a nothingburger in the long run. We’re trying to find her speech therapy anyway which is difficult because all the therapists around here tend to be army wives and turnover is super high as their husbands get reassigned every two to three years.
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Jun 26, 2023 20:47
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something that's been really clarifying for me re children has been thinking about the necessity of community and support networks for child-raising it's helped a lot for making it feel possible as a contrast to the way my parents did it where child-raising was a private thing with various issues resulting from that at the same time it's taken some of the pressure out of it because we know other people who have decided they'd like children and also believe in the 'it takes a village' style thing so choosing not to isn't necessarily deciding not to have any experience with helping raise children
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Jun 29, 2023 00:42
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is that good posted:something that's been really clarifying for me re children has been thinking about the necessity of community and support networks for child-raising There's a huge amount of value in that sort of "community based parenting" in general I think. Probably even more so for autistic people, even if it might feel like goes against our nature sometimes. One of the more beneficial experiences as a child was exposure to all my parents odd mates (Dad used to be a bikie, so some of them were pretty bloody odd too!). The exposure to a range of diverse outlooks and styles of communication was more beneficial than any sort of lessons in socialisation could have been, especially when it comes to things like handling conflict/disappointment and developing enough of a range of available expression that I can do that without accidentally making people uncomfortable and often scared. Being relatively fit, pretty direct and having a very flat affect most of the time apparently tends to convince people that I'm a bit of a brute or a psycho (especially since somewhere along the line I picked up a habit of staring at peoples throats if I'm uncomfortable, especially if it's with how much eye contact they need(still beats everyone thinking I'm looking at their tits though)) and that would be infinitely more difficult to navigate without that early social exposure to a grab bag of ideals/concepts/approaches/behaviours...(you get the idea...) regarding what is appropriate and why in a social relationship. I'm lucky though, in that I find people mostly interesting in a broad sense if not a specific one. Figuring out social structures and approaches is a complex technical challenge to work through, with interesting information because people are frankly just weird and figuring out how weird things work is fun.
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Jun 29, 2023 12:00
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This thread feels like all my secrets have been put on blast.
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Jun 30, 2023 18:11
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Zeg posted:This thread feels like all my secrets have been put on blast.
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Jul 1, 2023 03:57
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Zeg posted:This thread feels like all my secrets have been put on blast. 
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Jul 1, 2023 06:43
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FilthyImp posted:Did anyone mention how they feel like everyone leaves you once they realize you have no utility to them, and that your life seems to be in service of others? Or that no matter what, no matter how many times you speak up, your boundaries are only ok when it suits them? Not even worth noticing, let alone respecting, even when you're begging for the whole loving world to stop.
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Jul 1, 2023 07:22
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FilthyImp posted:Did anyone mention how they feel like everyone leaves you once they realize you have no utility to them, and that your life seems to be in service of others? But only when it suits them and when they have enough, after 19 years of friendship, you see how they really think of you when they're angry and want an emotional punching bag. Yeah, it took me a long time to realize that the people I most cared about did not give much of a poo poo. And then you turn that spotlight on to the rest of your relationships and start analyzing all of them over the course of the next year and a half. That friendship ended over pokemon of all things. I've never known this thread exists and have felt for years that SA, while awesome, felt alien to me because I didn't really "get" anyone else here. Finding this thread yesterday was like finding SA for the first time, and I'd be lying if I said my hands weren't shaking from the nervous energy.
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Jul 1, 2023 13:01
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FilthyImp posted:Did anyone mention how they feel like everyone leaves you once they realize you have no utility to them, and that your life seems to be in service of others? This has lead me to often do very little for people. I suppose if they wanna hang out when I'm useless then I can relax and feel less like I'm a tool/service. I still can't get over how some people refuse to accept that I don't want to be around a bunch of people. It doesn't help me that they are fine around the people.
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Jul 1, 2023 13:49
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FilthyImp posted:Did anyone mention how they feel like everyone leaves you once they realize you have no utility to them, and that your life seems to be in service of others? oh yeah big time. It's exhausting on some days but whatever. I've become A LOT better at setting and following my own boundaries over the years, which has led to some people being confused when I just don't do poo poo they expect me to. I'm luckily at the point where I get to tell them "Well learn to set better expectations with yourself and maybe you won't be so disappointed, huh?"
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Jul 1, 2023 14:25
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I will mention: Surrounding yourself with the right people does a lot to fix that problem, at least its gone a long way for me. Most of my friend groups feel like an even give-take and I'm rarely put in a position where I feel like I'm saddling a large amount of the burden. The only place poo poo becomes unbalanced is soccer supporter-related poo poo but that's also 100 levels more dramatic than it should be lol
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Jul 1, 2023 14:27
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Zeg posted:I've never known this thread exists and have felt for years that SA, while awesome, felt alien to me because I didn't really "get" anyone else here. Finding this thread yesterday was like finding SA for the first time, and I'd be lying if I said my hands weren't shaking from the nervous energy. How would people feel about a new thread / relocation & renaming of this thread to E/N? There are a few reasons I'm suggesting it, the main reason being as Zeg points out, people aren't necessarily able to find this one easily. I was only pointed to it by asking in another neurodiversity thread. The thread title is also not clear - No shade on OP because this isn't what they intended when they made the thread, but I would probably have scrolled past assuming it was all about asking OP about how they experience the condition rather than an open chat. If I was to make a new one I'd probably call it "Autism Spectrum thread: Yes, this is the objectively correct thread." E/N feels like it would be a better place since it has different moderation standards and protections than A/T for this kind of discussion. It'd also be nice to have useful links in the OP, like links to common tests, advice, helplines etc. However I'm also aware that this thread has built up its own protective community and I don't want to seem like I'm screwing with that if it's not what people want. So I'm asking instead. Clearer thread title in E/N to make it easier to find, or no?
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Jul 1, 2023 15:03
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bagmonkey posted:I will mention: Surrounding yourself with the right people does a lot to fix that problem, at least its gone a long way for me. Most of my friend groups feel like an even give-take and I'm rarely put in a position where I feel like I'm saddling a large amount of the burden. The only place poo poo becomes unbalanced is soccer supporter-related poo poo but that's also 100 levels more dramatic than it should be lol All sport poo poo seems that way though. A mate called me up the other day because his footy team lost (or possibly traded someone, Im not sure, they may have lost because they traded someone??) and I swear there was more drama than my 16 yr old sons drama class practicing death scenes. Amazing. You're right about focusing on people who respect boundarys and by extension you though. I have difficulty with that but that's partly due to people just flat out being unable to tell when Im serious or upset a fair bit of the time without me having to make it really obvious (yelling at them to please gently caress off doesn't even help sometimes, apparently it just reads as sarcastic) even if they are genuinely trying to be respectful. One of the less than helpful results of the flat affect I guess, that and as I said earlier randomly intimidating people (Staring at throats doesn't really have much to do with it I think, though people do find it off putting (useful if you're stuck in retail though heh)).
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Jul 1, 2023 15:08
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Bobby Deluxe posted:This brings me to a question I asked a mod last year, and typical me have done nothing about until now. I like the suggested title either way, if that helps.
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Jul 1, 2023 15:17
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Bobby Deluxe posted:This brings me to a question I asked a mod last year, and typical me have done nothing about until now. There either should be a sister thread in E/N or this should be moved there imo. And yeah, I don't want to disrupt the community at all but I also think the E/N mods are better suited for protecting this thread and continuing to foster that awesome community that's developed here Just my 2 cents tho, if the thread sentiment is otherwise, then so be it 
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Jul 1, 2023 15:44
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bend posted:All sport poo poo seems that way though. A mate called me up the other day because his footy team lost (or possibly traded someone, Im not sure, they may have lost because they traded someone??) and I swear there was more drama than my 16 yr old sons drama class practicing death scenes. Amazing. One of the things that I've had to warn people who want to be close to me about is that they really gotta listen to what I say because I'm not always good at getting my needs across. They also gotta be okay with me being "too emotional" sometimes because it's the only way I can get the severity of something across. I'm super loving lucky to have been able to find a poo poo ton of other ND people to live my life around, it makes the communicating and boundary respecting/setting so much easier. Most of my friends these days don't mind at all if I last second cancel because I don't have the headspace to deal with stuff, because it's a two way street. It sucks being cancelled on, but it's also nice to think about how like, letting your friend do that is a very good way to support them
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Jul 1, 2023 15:48
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