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Directed by: Dante Thomaselli Starring: The Amazing Kreskin! It's time to kick off our review section with a title that's very near and dear to my heart, errr... spleen. No wait, a film very near and dear to my liver, that's the organ that produces bile! I am of course talking about the aptly named "Horror", so named because it's the emotion you're least likely to experience while watching it. I think a more appropriate title would be "Confusion" or "Boredom", or even "What the gently caress Happened to Our Budget?". I'd like to start off by letting you know that this review will be quite different than every other "Horror" review I've yet seen on the internet. Your average "Horror" review goes something like this: This is the greatest horror movie I have ever seen! Director Dante Thomaselli is related to the guy who directed "Alice Sweet Alice"! Plastic jack-o-lanterns are a frightening! Christmas lights are a visual treat! I like ending all of my sentences with exclamation points! The plot is incredibly deep because it was directed and written by Dante Thomaselli and he's a genius like Lex Luthor! I love the movie "Horror"! ALSO I AM A HORRIBLE MONSTER AND I PRAY FOR DEATH! I'm not quite convinced that the majority of the reviews aren't being written written by Mr. Thomaselli himself or his lackeys. You cannot find a review (besides this one) out there that fails to mention these points: Dante Thomaselli is related to the guy who wrote "Alice Sweet Alice" The actors are incredibly convincing The script is worthy of Shakespeare Dante Thomaselli is a talented up-and-coming horror director The special effects are an astounding visual treat for the eye This movie deserves every major Academy Award available, even the ones that have nothing to do with it Dante Thomaselli is Jesus Christ and probably lives on the moon DANTE THOMASELLI IS A GENIUS!!! SERIOUSLY, gently caress OFF EINSTEIN! THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY EATS rear end COMPARED TO THIS MOVIE! Either that or everyone else was watching you were all watching another movie, a magical mystical movie about robots who dance the charleston on a bridge made of rainbows. Because that movie would kick rear end in an extreme manner! (Not gay) Yes it is true, Dante is the nephew of the guy who directed "Alice Sweet Alice" and not a whole lot else as far as I can tell. That film was perhaps most well-known because it features a young Brooke Shields being murdered within the first ten minutes. It's an interesting parallel because I think "Horror" will become most well-known for murdering your brain within the first ten minutes. Now before I finally get on to the movie itself I'd like to thank my friend Elan for introducing me to "Horror". The movie is filmed in her hometown and she was an extra in the movie. She plays a lifeless, expressionless, emotionless zombie which ultimately makes her no different from any of the other actors I guess. She can be seen in the special features meanu as the zombie with the "X" carved into it's forehead. She made me sit through an hour and ten minutes of this supposed "horror" just so I could see her stumble across the scene for half a second. And that was the best part of the movie because no one talked! I now wonder if she really is my friend because she obviously doesn't have my best interests in mind. However she is a cute girl and I'm a horribly pathetic troll who makes lovely pages on geocties thinking people will read them so all is forgiven. Now to the movie itself! The movie starts with a group of kids escaping from the elementary school- errrrr... I mean "drug rehabilitation facility". Even if Elan hadn't been there to tell me it was an elementary school I might have guessed anyway because a school bell rings and I guess editing things like that out would cost money. Before hitting the road a priests gives them a bag full of candy, drugs, and an empty beer bottle because that's what priests do all day. From then on we're treated to what I guess is supposed to be a plot but could actually be a mistranslated version of Turkish stereo instructions for all I know. Eventually our friends decide to go to a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere where some religous nuts keep their daughter isolated and drugged up or something. Upon arrival our lead actor promptly shoots both of them so they're completely unimportant to the story. In between and during all of this we get dialogue that would sound better coming out of a polar bear's rear end than actual people. Also characters die and/or have weird poo poo happen to them only to show up in the next scene appearing no worse for wear. The actors are not very convincing as people that might actually exist in reality. I actually knew one of them, hey Kevin! Remember when me you and Beardo went to Nyack and saw that girl get hit by a car? Evan THAT was more entertaining than this. Oh yeah your movie sucks! This is also Kreskin's first (and hopefully last) acting role as some evil preacher guy named Salo whose evil plans include making church people think they're paralyzed or made out of ham or whatever it is he does. I guess it's all part of his plan to "gain more power" or "confuse the audience" or whatever. Oh did I forget that Kreskin is AMAZING? Now if you're like most of the people out there you're probably asking yourself "Who is The Amazing Kreskin"? Well he's some famous mesmerist or hypnotist from the '70's, meaning he's been in showbiz for over thirty years and he just now landed his first acting role! Does that give you a confident feeling about his character? It shouldn't, all he does in this film is go through his hypnotism act and it's supposed to be scary. Speaking of things that are supposed to be scary, one central theme of this movie is a black billy goat. Everytime the goat shows up it's supposed to make us vomit in terror and give us a hint that something terrible (and baffling) is about to happen. The goat of course has no clue about any of this and most often looks confused as to what these humans are doing with him. He's quite cute and just looks like he wants someone to feed him some goat pellets and pat his head. Everytime I saw him all I could think was "Awwwwww!", which I think is a bit different than the "flee in terror!" emotion that I think the director wants us to feel instead. In the meantime the movie decides to "visually treat us" to floating plastic jack-o-lanterns and pathways decorated with christmas lights for our heroine (the daughter) to run through. The plastic floating pumpkins are supposed to be hell demons of some sort. What they actually look like is "On Sale at Wal-Mart". If you look at the special features the christmas lights are supposed to represent memories of happier times or some crap like that. What they actually look like is "This movie has a cheap budget". See, it is a good movie! Nothing is as it seems! Anyway I think Dante Thomaselli had no idea how to end this horrible cinematic abortion so the ending is as nonsensical as the rest of the film. Eventually the movie tries to pull a Pulp Fiction on us where the end is really the beginning. The kids are back in the elemeny- uhhh... "facility" where the most pulse pounding scene occurs where the security guard nudges our hero for what feels like five minutes! This is hands down the greatest scene in the movie. It's a life or death struggle where Luck (that's his name) just has to get through that door, if only he can withstand the gentle shoving of an annoyed slightly taciturn security guard who really wishes Luck would just stay where he is! I could watch this scene all day but Luck decides he has better things to do. Eventually he steals the security guards cap pistol and shoots him with it. See you in hell you slightly-nudging motherfucker! He escapes and finally Salo's plan of whatever the hell he was trying to accomplish is complete. I'd like to leave you with a suggestion so if you liked this movie I suggest you might also enjoy sticking rusty nails into your eyeballs! It's that good(bad). While doing some research on the web I came to a shocking discovery that this movie had a budget of two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars! What... the? I have a few theories regarding the budget of the movie "Horror"; either someone is walking around with $245,000 in their pocket or Thomaselli left the budget on the bus one day. Seriously, where could that money have possible gone? Good, convincing actors? Nope. Great script writers and dialogue coaches? Nope. Realistic floating jack-o-lantern effects? You get the idea. The money had to go towards something, maybe there were real drugs in that bag, I don't know. In the special features we can see that the extras were treated to pizza and pizza can be quite pricey, especially with toppings! Judging by the reviews I've read I'd say Dante Thomaselli used the money to personally buy three crack rocks for each critic to smoke before viewing this movie, thereby convincing them that the movie they just watched was worthy of praise. This leaves me with one question, where the gently caress is my crack, Dante? One last thing, if you want an idea of what I'm talking about check out the User Comments at the IMDB for "Horror". One person even goes so far to say that he wants a cd of the "sounds" of the film. The only "sounds" I want from this film are "Mr. Thomaselli apologizing for each and every scene in order". RATING: .5/5 PROS: It will make you feel something CONS: That something will probably not be horror ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0304166/ http://www.frontiernet.net/~jets12/lanterns_H.jpg Oh now I see where the budget went. These demons would make a tasty pie! http://www.frontiernet.net/~jets12/scream_H.jpg This woman apparently has the ability to unhinge her entire loving jaw. http://www.frontiernet.net/~jets12/horr1.jpg Four times the horror! Cornstore fucked around with this message at 17:57 on Aug 3, 2004 |
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Aug 3, 2004 17:48
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| # ? Apr 27, 2024 07:03 |
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